Change of plans
by fraukey
Summary: How life can change in one instant. My take on a Jo/Alex future- with lots of flashbacks to present time. Lots of angst/hurt/comfort/mush! True to all presently aired GA episodes, trying to keep it that way as long as the episodes keep coming :) Rated M for later chapters. This is going to be multi-chaptered!
1. Chapter 1

„Dr. Shepherd, good, you made it here," the nurse looked relieved.

"What's going on, Harriet?" Derek asked, a little out of breath.

"Dr. Wilson has been moving a lot, seems like she's waking up," the nurse told the neurosurgeon expectantly. Derek couldn't help but cast a small smile.

"I knew she could do it," he said. "Shall we?" he held the door to the patients' ward open for Harriet.

They entered Jo's room, meeting groggy, confused eyes.

"Good to have you back, Jo," Derek smiled at her in anticipation. He walked closer, trying to get a good view of his patient. The nurse stood by, handing the chart to her superior and pushing some more morphine for the patient.

Jo wriggled slightly, seemingly uncomfortable and coughed.

"Dr. Shepherd?" she asked in slight discomfort. "What's going on?"

"Take it easy," Derek replied, watching the young woman trying to get up. The nurse helped the woman to a sitting position and couldn't help but smile either. The patient seemed to be doing very well considering what had happened to her. Jo grimaced in pain.

"You still have a very sore body. Your arm was completely crushed and you had a brain bleed we had to fix. Also you came in with a lot of contusions to your torso and limbs, so let's be reasonable about getting up."

Harriet put some more pillows behind Jo's back and provided her some physical comfort. She also brought her a wet cloth to freshen up and some ice chips for her dry mouth. Jo immediately seemed to feel better. Her looks were still a little confused.

"How are you feeling?" Derek gave her a scrutinizing look.

"Um…" Jo cleared her throat. "A little squished to be honest," she smiled crookedly.

"Do you feel like answering some questions for me so we could clear the air for neurological damage?"

"Uh… yeah. As long as I don't have to do advanced math or something," Jo joked, closing her eyes and sighing.

"You'll be fine. The surgery went very well but you did hit your head pretty bad. So let's make sure everything's still as it is supposed to be." He smiled encouragingly. "Please be sure to tell me when to stop anytime, we don't want to overdo it, alright?" Derek asked politely, telling the nurse quietly to page Dr. Karev while she was heading out to the nurses' station. She nodded.

"Okay, let's start with some warm up. Just tell me your name, your date of birth, where you were born," Derek looked at her expectantly.

"Jo Wilson, March 13th, 1987, Boston, Massachusetts," Jo rolled her eyes a bit. Derek chuckled.

"Well, it's a good thing you think that's something to joke about," he said. "Can you tell me where we are right now?"

"Seattle Grace, oh wait, I mean Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, Seattle," Jo said.

"Great, you are doing a fantastic job," Derek gladdened genuinely. "Alright, Jo, this will be harder. Don't panic if you can't recall everything at once, okay? Can you tell me, what is the last thing you remember, before you blacked out?" Jo nodded and closed her eyes for a moment.

"I remember finishing my shift and driving home. We had been fighting at the hospital already, so I was anticipating the fight to continue," Jo started. Derek frowned but encouraged her to go on.

"When I came home, we started the fight back up instantly. It just got out of hand. He was yelling things at me and I didn't have myself under control either, to be fair. But then all of a sudden he hit me. I mean he lost all control and he punched my face. I tried to get off him, I tried to, you know, defend myself, and I think I got him somehow but he wouldn't stop hitting me. He was so enraged, I think he wasn't even in his right mind," Jo dried the tears that were coming naturally while telling her story. Derek looked at her weirdly. She couldn't quite place it. She expected anger or something like that… or maybe at least sympathy. But to her, it seemed like confusion. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"Well, Jo, please don't get upset, but I am confused. Can you tell me what day it is?"

"Um… I really have no clue how long I have been unconscious. But I guess it must be a couple a days from what was that, July 7th or 8th," she tried to recall.

"Were you talking about Karev?" Derek asked unbelievingly.

"What? No! No, why, what? No, I'm talking about Jason," Jo said, baffled about the question. She looked like she was getting upset. "Why would I be talking about Alex?" Derek looked at her, trying to put the pieces together.

"Jo, what year are we in?"

"2013," she shot out. She could see how the doctor in front of her tried to put on a mask but initially failed because she managed to get a glimpse of shock. "What's wrong?"

"Alright, Jo, you must not get upset now, okay?" Jo nodded slowly. Derek sighed heavily. "Today's date is October 17th, 2019," he said, trying to sound calm. Jo just looked at him.

"What are you saying?" she gulped heavily. Derek just nodded and walked back to the table at the window and retrieved the papers. He gave them to her and pointed at the date. October 17th, 2019.

"What does that mean?" she said, trying not to panic.

"It seems like you have a form of retrograde amnesia. I can't tell you much more, I will need to examine you," Dr. Shepherd said.

"Okay," Jo said, feeling uncertain. She thought about it for a minute. "Does this mean, I am not in here because Jason hit me?"

Shepherd shook his head. "No, Jo, that did happen, it just didn't put you in a hospital bed. That happened 6 years ago and you did defend yourself and it put him in a hospital bed and you got out," he mused. "Do you remember anything after that day?" Jo looked at him uncomprehendingly.

"I… I… I don't think so. I feel like this happened yesterday. I mean, how can you be sure, I mean, are you sure that… this is a little much," she said quietly.

"I know, Jo, but we will get behind this and we will do everything for your memory to come back, okay? I will order another round of head CT and MRT and you will have to go through some more exams with me, is that alright?" Jo just nodded.

"So, what did happen to me?" Jo asked part curious, part scared.

"You had a car accident. Two cars collided and a truck tried to bypass and hit you while doing it. You did a pretty nice maneuver, if you hadn't reacted that quickly, you would not be here right now," he said. Jo nodded again. She felt empty, she didn't know how to respond or where to start. Dr. Shepherd was scribbling in her chart while she was watching him suspiciously, when the door banged open and a frantic Alex came hurrying in. Jo smiled instantly, the first sign of comfort coming her way.

"Alex," she said sighing in relief.

"Karev, listen to me," Dr. Shepherd said sharply which made Jo turn her face around to look at him in confusion and looking back at Alex, who was quickly making his way over to her bed with a scary look on his face. He sat down sloppily on her bedside and engulfed her in his arms completely.

"God," he sighed heavily with a trembling voice. Jo was struck by how worried he seemed and hugged him back tightly with as much enthusiasm as her sore body allowed her.

"Alex, you need to listen to me before you do anything rash," Dr. Shepherd said again, a little louder. Alex didn't listen. He loosened their hug and looked at Jo piercingly, making her feel vulnerable.

"Don't you _ever_ do this to me again, ever, do you hear me? You scared the shit out of me," Alex said in a still trembling voice, before kissing Jo full on the mouth, holding her tightly to him, careful though, knowing about all her bruises. The kiss was soft, but very intense and Jo's right arm immediately found its way in Alex's hair while her left arm was still fixated on a stabilizing tray since it had been crushed in the car crash. Jo's heart was beating fast and her breathing already got out of control. She could feel how Alex was fighting with emotions but the only thing she could really think about was how he was kissing her and how she couldn't get enough of his smell. They parted when Alex pulled back slightly, only to lean their foreheads against each other and softly stroking her cheek. He pecked her one more time before pulling away and getting up and examining her.

"How do you feel? Are you hurting? Did they give you enough morphine?" he looked between a shell shocked Jo and a sympathetic looking Derek. There was an awkward silence in the room. Since Shepherd didn't look like he was giving any answers to him, he turned back to Jo. "You look like I just kissed you for the first time, babe, what's going on?" he tried, his voice carefully joking.

Jo, who was trying to get herself back under control after that unannounced, unbelievably hot kiss she just shared with her best friend, and still confused about what the hell was going on with her, was trying now to get some words out. She coughed. "Well… you kinda just did…" she looked at him apologetically.

"What the hell's going on?" Alex asked suspiciously, again looking in between Shepherd and the patient.

"Alex, you need to hear this and I need you to not get upset when I tell you," Shepherd started. Alex was getting impatient.

"We know little about it as of now but it seems like Jo has lost some of her memory with the head crash. She seems to get everything right up until a little over 6 years ago when Dr. Myers put his hands on her," he said slowly.

"What are you saying?" Alex again looked frantically between Derek and Jo who was giving him another very apologetic look. "You know who I am right?" Alex directed towards Jo.

"Of course, Alex, but I did know you before I met Jason," she said calming down a little, trying to calm Alex as well.

"So, you are saying…" Alex was confused.

"When I woke up, I thought I was in the hospital because Jason had brought me there after hitting me one too many times," she said matter-of-factly.

"And you don't remember anything after that…? Anything at all?" He looked at her unbelievingly. Jo shook her head slowly. Alex was speechless. He looked at her for a couple of minutes, mulling it all over in his mind. What happened? What did that mean? What _did_ she know?

"I mean, we didn't elaborate much on it but for me, right now, I believe it's July 2013, I just got out of that relationship with Jason, I don't have a home because I didn't listen to you when you told me not to move in with that asshole, I am 27 years old, I am an intern at Grey Sloan Memorial and you and I are not on talking terms… and I guess I am talking a lot of crap. We obviously aren't on the same page since you just kissed me and in my world you won't even be in the same room with me right now," Jo rambled, speeding up the last part a bit out of embarrassment. Alex listened closely, trying to process what was happening. All of a sudden, he realized what he just did.

"Jo, I am so, so sorry, I shouldn't have, I mean, I didn't know, but I shouldn't have come in and just kissed you, I am so sorry, I didn't think, I didn't realize, I just, you were in that car crash and I couldn't think anymore and, God, Jo, I really am sorry," he rambled.

"Alex, Alex, stop! You couldn't have known, please stop apologizing. It's fine, really, you're fine. You're a good kisser," Jo tried to joke. Both doctors looked at her. "I guess it wasn't our first kiss, then?" she added a little less happy. Alex shook his head. He turned round to Derek for help.

"Alright, this is a lot now and I'm not expecting you to do everything at once. It is really important for you to rest and let your body heal. If you are okay with that we will go ahead and do the CT and MRT and then we will talk some more. Also, I know you are most probably not all in, but I would really urge you to talk to a therapist. We have some in the neurological department and he or she will help you try to get your memories back and also how to handle life from now on. I can't tell you anything right now, I don't wanna worry you but I also don't wanna give you too much hope."

Jo nodded understandingly.

"Does this mean she could be getting her memory back in an hour but this could also mean she could have lost it for good?" Alex asked in defeat. Jo looked up at him in sympathy. She thought about how much pain it must be to not be recognized. Well, at least, that's what she thought she saw in Alex's eyes. Pain. She couldn't remember 6 years of her life. 6 years were a long time, she couldn't even imagine what must have happened in those 6 years. Maybe they had a life together? Is that why he was fighting with all those emotions? Or maybe they were just dating? This was going to be hard. She looked back at Shepherd.

"Unfortunately, that's exactly what the prospect is as of right now. But let's do the exams first, then we'll know more, alright?" he smiled at her and left the room, squeezing Alex's shoulder on his way out. Alex stood a few feet away from her bed, not knowing what to do with himself. Jo felt like she should be upset, which she really was, but she also knew, right now, there wasn't anything she could do.


	2. Chapter 2

"Alex?" Jo said in a whisper. He turned round to look at her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I… I probably shouldn't be here, I… I need to get used to that situation, I'm so sorry, I should be better at this…" he rambled, trying to get his things together to leave.

"Alex, stop," Jo said panicky. He stopped and looked at her. "Please, I know this is hard and weird and whatever else, I just… can you just stay with me? I have no idea what happened the last 6 years, I mean at all, but I don't know what happened between us either, I just… Alex, you are my best friend, you are the only person I have. Would you please just stay with me?" Alex could see how tears were forming in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, of course I'll stay, I just – God, this is so hard! I don't even know how to talk to you, I just don't wanna do something wrong or upset you or… fuck, this is not what you signed up for," Alex seemed to get upset.

"What are you talking about?" Jo said, trying to stop her tears from falling. Seeing his love crying made him weak and forget their circumstances for a minute. He walked over to the bed, sat down next to her and pulled her close to him, giving her comfort, kissing her head and temple.

"Oh baby, it's going to be alright. We'll pull through this, remember, we're good at this, right? It's okay, I'm here," he shushed her slightly. Jo let herself fall deeply into his comforting arms, letting all the tears out that were stuck in her. Tears of helplessness and confusion and hurt.

Jo kept on weeping bitterly into Alex's shoulder and Alex couldn't stop himself from losing a couple of tears as well, which he tried to hide unsuccessfully. Jo looked at him helplessly, hugging him a little tighter. "I'm so, so sorry, Alex," she whispered into his shoulder.

"Stop, Jo, please stop it," Alex shook his head. "You are the one whose life has been compromised, and you are the one hurt and lost, and you are the one having lost years of her memory, I should be strong for you, I am the one to apologize. I didn't mean to break like that, I just… I mean… the sight of you in this hospital bed…," Alex tried to explain. Jo looked at him understandingly, turning his face round to look at him square in the eyes.

"Hey, stop it, Alex, please," she begged him. "I know that this situation is crap, and I _am _hurting, and I _am _kind of lost but that doesn't mean it's not just as hard for you. I don't want you to feel guilty because you look like hurting, which you obviously are," she said, still holding his face since Alex was trying to look away. "Alex, I can't remember the last freaking 6 years of my life, and right now, I don't have any idea why the hell you are sitting in the bed with me – no stop, Alex, I don't want you to get up – I need you and this feels right. All I'm saying is, apparently, at least part of the last 6 years wasn't my life but _ours_. And I can't remember our life. So it affects you just as well as me. So, please, stop trying to get out of it." Alex looked at her in pain.

"I just don't know what to do. I can't help you. I promised to always protect you, to always be there for you." Tears were streaming down his face which made Jo cry even more.

"Alex, you _are_ here with me, that's all I need right now, since you are the only person I trust enough to let them be here. Even though I don't remember the last 6 years." They looked at each other. "What are you thinking?" she asked quietly. Alex shook his head. "What is it?" she urged him, still holding on tightly. He shook his head again.

"Please don't make me say it," he pleaded with her. She let her head fall to the side and regretted it instantly since it put her skull in a sharp pain which made Alex jump. "Do you need another dose of morphine?"

She chuckled. "I honestly don't think that the morphine could cover all this," she pointed at all her bruising. Alex sighed, trying to calm down. "Tell me what you were thinking," Jo said again. Alex continued to shake his head. "Alex, I have no idea what our relationship is made of right now, since you don't seem to wanna tell me at all but I have the feeling I_ can_ get what I want from you, so _tell me now _or else," Jo told him in a very wife like voice. Alex looked at her wide eyed. Then his face turned into a small smile with small eyes.

"Babe? Are you shitting with us right now?"

Jo had to laugh out loud but then turned her face quickly to apologetic but still smiling. "I really wish I was, I really do," she said firmly. Alex sighed.

"Well, at least I know you didn't lose your personality and charm," he said, squeezing her lightly. They smiled at each other.

"Alright, mister, but if that is so _like me, _you should probably know I'm totally serious. Spit! Now!"

"Jo, it's not something you wanna hear right now," he tried to defend himself.

"Trust me, Alex, I wanna hear everything right now. Especially _your_ thoughts," she tried to make him believe.

"I was just… I mean… well, I didn't think right… I – I mean it's just…," Alex stumbled upon his own words.

"Oh, come on, spit it already," Jo teased him.

"The only thing I am thinking is I wanna kiss you so badly right now," Alex rushed it out and immediately wanted to take it back. They looked at each other for a minute before Jo pulled him closer and kissed him square on his mouth. Alex froze for a second but he could feel Jo's tongue begging for entrance and he couldn't help himself, he needed her. He pulled her flush to his body and kissed her passionately, forgetting everything around them, just basking in the sensation of her lips on his, their tongues dueling wildly, her hand in his hair, her body reacting to his. Jo unconsciously moaned into his mouth, making him wild, wanting to never let go. He slowly ended the kiss, knowing this wasn't right, still holding tightly to her, leaning his forehead against hers again. He looked at his counterpart, discovering all the red spots on her cheeks and neck and what he could see of her cleavage. He had to get a grip on himself and accept that she had no idea that he was her husband of 3 years and romantic partner for pretty much 6 years. He had to start being there for her without thinking about their relationship for a bit. There was so much she had to learn again. She needed him. For support. Not kissing and well, especially anything else physical. He pulled back and got up from the bed. He went over to his things and got his phone out. Jo cleared her throat and he turned back to her, both of them sharing a look of uncertainty and awkwardness.

"I'm sorry," he said automatically.

Jo gave him an irritated look. "I kissed you," she said matter-of-factly.

In that moment they heard a knock and a nurse came in. "Excuse me, Dr. Karev, Dr. Wilson, I just wanted to let you know we are ready for your CT now. If it's alright for you we will get you to the CT and do all the exams at once, so you could rest later," she half stated, half asked.

"Yes, of course, thank you," Jo responded immediately. Turning back to Alex, she inquired, "What are your plans?"

"Well, if you don't mind, I'll let them do whatever all they need to do. I need to check on a post-surgery patient and then I need to go down to dayc….," Alex stopped shortly, realizing what he was saying. Jo seemed to realize he was giving something away from what she couldn't remember and he seemed unsure if he should. Since she didn't know what to do with her situation either, she let him cover it up, albeit not very smoothly. "Well, I need to take care of some… stuff. I'll meet you back here, alright? Maybe they can inform us about some things by evening rounds," he mulled that plan over in his mind.

"Sounds good," Jo answered, smiling slightly at him. He nodded.

"I'll see you in a bit, okay?" Alex took his very large bag he was carrying with him and left the room. Jo sighed and closed her eyes. She was all upset inside of what had happened the last few minutes. So many emotions. She couldn't get the kiss out of her head. The feel of his lips on hers; that brand-new feeling of apparently being allowed to have butterflies building armies inside her upon seeing her best friend. When did that happen? When did she start to have feelings for Alex? Right now, all she wanted was be held by him and smell him and feel his lips on her. Get a grip, Jo. The nurses were coming in and wheeling her down to the tomography floor. She kept wondering. Were they in a relationship? Or were they still friends and now that she had experienced a life threatening accident he had realized what he actually felt for her. But on the other hand, he kept calling her nicknames… of a romantic nature, and she didn't even think he did it consciously. It sounded automatic. What the hell was going on… she needed to hear it. She would be asking him once all the exams were over.

Meanwhile, Alex was heading towards the pediatric ward when he passed Meredith and Derek at the nurses' station. "Karev," Derek called after him. He turned quickly and walked back.

"How is she?" they both looked concerned. No surprise to him, they had all become close friends, accepting Jo as a part of their group, as Alex's wife. He shook his head in defeat.

"I really don't know. She's really lost. But on the other hand she seems so gathered, so calm. She actually comforted _me_, which is really abominable, I know," he shook his head.

"Oh, Alex," Meredith just said and squeezed his shoulder. "It's okay for you to grief, too, you know," she said meaning really well.

"Grief? I am happy! I have never been more relieved in my life! She could have died, you know," Alex half sobbed. "They could all have died," he said. They both nodded, bowing their heads.

"They didn't, though," Meredith said. "And now it's time you all get back on track, and I'm sure this amnesia thing is just temporary. We'll all work together to get a grip on it, alright?"

This made Alex look up and gather himself again. "Oh hey, Derek, they are already wheeling her down to CT, just FYI," he said. Derek hurried down towards his patient, while Meredith still looked very concerned.

"What are you doing now?"

"I need to go get the twins," he said. "They need to be fed and bathed and put to bed. I already called the sitter, and I'll be back by evening rounds. This is all a little much, but they still can't be here right now," Alex said.

"Does she know yet?"

"About the kids?" he asked. She nodded.

"She doesn't even know we're married," he exclaimed. Meredith looked at him curiously.

"Derek told me about the kiss," she stated slowly.

"Yeah. We actually kissed again after that first kiss," Alex said. "I couldn't help myself."

"Didn't she ask?"

"Well, no not really. I mean, yes, kinda. I don't know. Everything is so messed up right now. She just woke up. We'll hopefully get to talk to the therapist soon. They need to tell us how to handle this. I don't even know if I'm supposed to tell her stuff, or if she's supposed to remember, you know? I'm just not good at this," he explained.

"Well, why would you be? People don't usually experience this several times in their lives." Meredith reasoned.

"Yeah. It still is a lot to take in. And I just feel so helpless. I don't know how to support her best."

"Alex, you really need to give her a chance. I think, right now, she knows best what she needs and what she actually gives a shit about," Meredith pondered. "What I think is most important right now is that you are well," she looked at him piercingly. "I mean it. You need to sleep, you need to eat, and you need to talk to people about what you are going through. Otherwise you will be no help at all to your wife," she squeezed his shoulder again. He sighed.

"Alright, I gotta get going, the daycare people are waiting for me. Page me immediately, if you hear something, alright?" Meredith nodded and hugged her friend quickly, watching him leave with a very bad feeling in her stomach.


	3. Chapter 3

When Alex returned to Jo's room, she was fast asleep. She looked like somebody helped her clean up and put on some of her own clothing. Her bedding had been redone and she looked comfortable and peaceful. Thank God. He walked over to her closet and put some personals in that he picked up at home. He passed over to her bed and opened her chart. The CT and MRT were clear. Nothing else other than her morphine doses had been noted. He closed it up again and sat down in the chair next to Jo's bed.

That day hadn't at all gone as he had imagined it. He wasn't even thinking about how his wife had basically forgotten their whole life together since he was a doctor himself and knew how the brain could act out after serious trauma. He had gone home with the kids and waited for the sitter until she turned him down on the phone after telling him she came down with the flu and that was the last thing they needed under their roof at this moment. So he had started calling every person he knew. Finally he had gotten a hold of April Kepner who had been kind enough to help him out. Still, she had to wait for Jackson who had just finished up a 10 hour surgery, so she could leave the house due to her 4 year old sleeping. When Alex could finally leave the house it was way past evening rounds. He had called up Shepherd who could only tell him that after all the exams, he couldn't say anything different than they all already knew. Jo's brain had suffered serious trauma and she had to recover from that and there was a fifty/fifty chance of her getting her memory back. The therapist had come to visit with Jo and they had talked a little and she apparently seemed a bit better after that. She had promised to visit with them both the next day. He had told Meredith to tell Jo he was sorry for not coming back earlier but he still didn't know how she had reacted. Now she was sleeping which calmed him a bit but on the other hand worried him since he couldn't talk to her. After watching his wife sleep for a while and mulling the whole last week over again and again, Alex fell asleep and woke a couple of hours later in a still dark hospital room. He decided to go home since he couldn't leave the pregnant April with his kids all night. He checked on Jo one more time and left a note that she would find easily upon waking up. He bent down and kissed her softly on her head and left for the night.

When Jo woke up, she had to blink a few times until realizing where she was. She had woken because of a really bad nightmare. The very moment she realized she was in a hospital bed because she had had a car crash that she couldn't remember including the last 6 years she couldn't recall even if she tried hard, she couldn't decide which one was worse. The nightmare she had just woken up from or the nightmare she had just woken up to. Her arm made her inflexible and it annoyed her. She tried to wiggle into a comfortable state, looking down her body. The clothes she was wearing looked so much like her. They even felt like her. She still felt like she was wearing the joggers of someone she didn't know. That afternoon she had gotten a first look in the mirror and what she saw shocked her. It wasn't only that people had told her she had forgotten 6 years of her life but she even looked it. Of course, she looked like herself. She wouldn't even say she had gotten old or something. She still looked super young and she didn't feel a day older except for learning she was thirty-freaking-one years old. Her hair had been cut to a dangerously short style. It did look good, it just freaked her out that apparently she had made the decision to wear it shoulder length from one day on and she couldn't remember. Everything freaked her out at the moment. But she didn't dare voice it. Well, except for towards her newly assigned therapist who she had talked to after rounds. She was nice enough. She didn't feel at all like all the shrinks she had met in her career. It was nice talking to her. Talking to someone who had actually not met her before and didn't know anything about her past that Jo herself didn't know. Well, except for the very large case file she carried with her. Anyways, it still was a relief.

Jo turned around to look at her nightstand and found a note pinned down by what must have been her phone. She reached over and read it.

_Jo – so sorry I didn't make it in time to see you tonight. I hope you are feeling a little better – at least physically. I will try to come in tomorrow morning as soon as I can. I put your phone on the nightstand; call me anytime if you need anything or if you just wanna talk. I deleted the code, so you can use it without getting frustrated. Don't worry, we are going to get through this together – Alex_

Jo put the note down besides her in bed. Alex. She didn't know what to think. She had been so disappointed when he hadn't shown up as he had told her. Of course, he had a life too. One's life didn't stop just because she had had a car crash. What made her go nuts was that she didn't even know what his life was. She could feel how he was ringing with his emotions. He had been so sweet. Turning to the nightstand, Jo retrieved her phone. _I deleted the code. _There was no way they weren't a thing, now. Why would he know her code? She unlocked it and started to go through her contacts.

Jo didn't know which one she dubbed odder – the fact that the first contact she had saved to her phone was a certain Leo Anderson that she had never heard of before or the fact that she had saved Jackson Avery's phone number. Avery. Was he still seeing Stephanie? God, so many people she hadn't even talked to! 6 years! Was Stephanie even still working at the hospital? Were they still friends? Speaking of which, was _she_ still working at the hospital? Oh well, judging from how the nurses and doctors were treating her, probably yes. 6 years. That meant she would be done with her residency and had chosen a specialty. 6 years meant she was a board certified doctor. She kept scrolling through the contacts, including a lot of doctors but also a lot of people she had never heard of. When she was through, she opened her messages and started to read. First thread – obviously ? – was the one with Alex. She started reading them from the last one to earlier ones.

_A – What the hell is going on? Thu, 1.07am_

_A – Pick up your phone, woman Wed, 11.54pm_

_A – Emergency came in, gonna be late again, Wed 8.31pm_

_A –Alright, see you later, Wed 5.30pm_

_J – Picking them up now. Swinging by Ruth's on the way, Wed 5.27pm_

_A – Not sure I'm gonna make it in time. Sorry, Wed 5.05pm_

_J – I have a consult right now, what time are you getting off? Wed, 2.43pm_

_A – Coffee? Wed, 2.17pm_

_J – Since you decided not to care enough, Tue 9.12pm_

_A – Since when did you decide it was fair to tell Mer? Tue 9.11pm_

_A – Give me 20 mins, Tue 12.03pm_

_J – Lunch? Tue 11.57 am_

_A – 60 bucks I think? Mon, 12.57am_

_J – How much did you give Lauren the other day? Mon, 12.56am_

_J – Alright, see you in the morning, Sun, 7.28pm_

_A – Nothing much, she was running late, Sun 7.26pm_

_J – Did she say anything? Sun, 7.26pm_

_A – Yeah easy, Sun 7.24pm_

_J – Did it turn out ok? Sun, 7.10pm_

_J – Just make sure he doesn't have a temperature, Sun 3.00pm_

_A – They'll be fine, don't fuss, Sun 2.59pm_

_J – Are you sure it's a good idea for me to go to April's? Sun 2.13pm_

_A – You look gorgeous. Get your ass in the car now, Sat 10.45am_

_J – I'M NOT DONE, Sat 10.44am_

_A – On call room on 3, Fri 4.59pm_

_J – Where are you? Fri 4.33pm_

_J – I love you, Fri 10.10am_

_A – You are a rock star, remember? Go kick ass, Fri 10.10am_

_J – I'm nervous, Fri 10.09am_

_A – Why, what's up? Fri 10.09am_

_J – Why aren't you in the lounge as we talked about? Fri 10.04am_

_A – OC5 NOW love you, Wed 2.03am_

Jo put the phone down. She didn't know how to digest all that. One thing she did know by now was, she seemed to definitely be in a serious relationship with Alex. Everything else – _everything else _was a blur. What the hell was going on? Why wouldn't she remember? For some reason she had believed that reading her messages would make her remember her life. But it didn't. She had read them over and over again. She could have read more and more, she just chose not to. The more she read about whatever she had once said herself but couldn't remember, the more she panicked. At least she knew one thing now. That relationship between Alex and her that she had believed to be a part of her imagination – it was actually true. Well, true to her messages. However, seeing so many signs of them being a couple, that made so much sense, it still didn't mean that it was true for her. Because it really wasn't. She couldn't remember being in a relationship with Alex. That was freaking her out. And what was all the other content of their messages about? Jo didn't dare to imagine further. She decided to ask the next day. She would only spiral down in one of her crazy mind tunnels about what may or may not be true.

Picking her phone back up, Jo decided to risk flipping through the pictures on her phone. She entered the folder only to be greeted by a request to enter her password. She paused. Was she really the person to lock the pictures on her phone? Did Alex actually put a password to the photos in case Jo looked at them before talking about… well, everything? No, she couldn't believe that for a second. He wouldn't do that. Or would he? Would he think about such a thing at all? She tried the password she had been using for a while now. It failed. She tried another one. Fail again. Alright, that was definitely Alex's doing. She paused again. Really? Alex unlocked the phone for her and actually thought about locking the pictures so she wouldn't be able to look at them? Well, he knew her well - that had to be said. Why didn't he lock the messages, though?

Jo went back to reading more messages. She scrolled down, passed her and Alex's thread, to the next one. Lauren. Good, she had been wondering who that was. And why she would be interested how much Alex had had paid her.

_L – No worries, everything's good, Sun 11:37pm_

_J – How's everything going? Sun 11.32pm_

_J – E has been running a fever the last couple of hours. Please be sure to keep an eye on that! Tue 7.05pm_

_L – Quiet now. Tue 7.02pm _

_J – How's everything? Tue 6.48pm_

_L – No problem! A rushed out as soon as I was there. What's the deal? Tue 4.29pm_

_J – Lauren, sorry for the short-notice! Thanks a million for your help! Did Alex tell you about the sick spell we've had? Tue 2.27pm_

Jo looked at the messages from Lauren. Who the hell was she? A nurse? A doctor? Was it a good idea to canvas through all 'her' messages even though the only thing it did was puzzle her more? Jo felt like she was reading someone else's private thoughts. Maybe it was best to let it rest for the night. She could ask everything she wanted the next day. She definitely would. Jo felt like calling Alex. Since she knew now they were a couple of some sort calling him would definitely not blow their boundaries. Also, he explicitly said to call him. But it was in the middle of the night. Why would she call him? Just to hear his voice? Well, at least that somehow felt calming to her. But she didn't dare, right? No. He needed to tell her exactly what was going on between them before she could call him in the middle of the night. On the other hand, she probably would have called friend Alex just as well before. Ugh, everything was so complicated. She put the phone down, next to her. The next few hours she spent blissfully sleeping off her exhaustion.


	4. Chapter 4

When she woke up, the phone was still lying in her hand on top of the note Alex had left behind. She quickly put it away and looked at the alarm clock next to her head. 7.13 am. Thank God, she still had time. She didn't have any nightmares after waking up at night and thinking about Alex. Was it that easy? She wriggled into a sitting position and rang the nurse since she was still fully stabilized with her arm.

"Good morning, Dr. Wilson," a nurse came in smiling brightly. She smiled back. It still irritated her when she couldn't place people and didn't know if they were friendly by default or they actually knew her. It was creepy.

"Good morning,…" Jo started.

"Oh," the nurse started laughing. "I'm sorry! Jackie," she said, shaking Jo's hand.

"Hi Jackie," Jo said relieved with her reaction.

"How are you feeling today?" Jo thought about it a bit.

"Physically, I feel fine actually. I wanted to ask, can we do something about that arm. It doesn't even hurt that much." She pointed at her stabilized arm.

"Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to tell – I am all confused today," she laughed again. What a cheerful person. "Ortho is coming by before rounds and will put your arm into a soft bandage. That bruising is really not the worst we have seen. But first, let's get you freshened up before all the handsome doctors and of course, Dr. Karev, come and stare at you" she winked at the patient, meaning well. Jo just smiled. She felt slightly uncomfortable. She so needed to talk to Alex. The nurse scurried away to retrieve towels, water, a toothbrush and new clothing. After they were done, the nurse hurdled out humming a tune and closing the door but before Jo could lay her head back and rest again, the door was swung open again in a smooth movement. In came what looked like a 6 year older Stephanie Edwards. She looked super hot in her navy scrubs. Jo smiled brightly, mirroring her counterpart's facial features.

"What the hell, Jo? A girl goes out of town for once and her best friend decides to get herself treated to a nice car crash?" She started, coming closer and hugging her friend.

"It's really good to see you, Steph," Jo said genuinely happy and surprised. "Those navy scrubs look good on you," she commented with raised eyebrows. Steph chuckled, enjoying the uncomplicated small talk.

"You should see them on yourself, people frequently stop to look at you when passing them in the hallways," she winked at her. Jo smiled another small smile. So, she did make it through her residency. "How are you?" Stephanie asked more concerned now, also looking at her chart and walking over to the bruised arm.

"I'm actually really well. My head still hurts like hell and let's say, I'm not comfortable, but the bruising is a lot better today actually. And the arm can absolutely be mobilized." She looked at her expectantly. "Well, they said Ortho was coming by before rounds anyways," she mused. Stephanie looked up and grinned at her friend. "What?" She chuckled.

"I'm Ortho, Jo," she explained. Jo looked at her with big eyes.

"You went into Ortho? Are you serious? Wow!" Stephanie laughed again.

"Yeah, wasn't easy at all. I was the last one choosing their specialty. You know, I always liked Ortho okay. It just never sparked inside me. Until one day, I was working with Torres on this bone cancer cure, and everything changed. And it did help that I got a kick ass 3 month internship at _the _best orthopedic clinic in Switzerland in our 4th year. After that, it was pretty crystal," she nodded while sitting down on a stool and cutting part of Jo's bandages. Jo smiled at her. She loved how easy it was talking to Stephanie. Her friend didn't even blink an eye about telling her stuff she should probably have known.

"I still would have never put you into Ortho. The Steph I remember had the hots for Cardio!" she laughed.

"Oh well, lots of things have changed," Stephanie mused, looking at her friend sympathetically.

"Yeah, they really did," Jo smiled a little more insecure. There was a small pause.

"It's going to be fine, you know," Stephanie said, while still working on removing all her bandaging.

"That's what everyone keeps saying," Jo countered a little too irritated.

"Yeah, because that's what will be the future. Crap like that happens, Jo. It's terrible. However, the Jo that I know does not give up that easily. So what, you have to learn all new names again? You have to find your way around your house? Fall in love with Alex again? At least you got out of the accident okay, is all I'm saying." Stephanie concluded.

Jo looked at her contemplating what she had just said. "It's not that easy, you know," Jo said.

"Oh, nobody said it's going to be easy. It's going to be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. But still, at least, talking for myself, I am so relieved, that you are still here instead of having to be mourning you. I'm serious. This sounds crass but I do believe with all of my being that you will pull through this and get your memory back and also, you have an amazing support system, starting with a wonderful… speaking of which, Alex," she smiled at the door. Jo, hanging on to every word her friend had been saying, hadn't even realized the door opening. She turned her head to the door, meeting eyes with Alex. She smiled a little insecure. He put his stuff down and came over to her bed. He bent down to her and kissed her temple making Jo close her eyes for a second.

"Hey," he said quietly. "How are you doing today?"

"Better, actually, Stephanie's just getting me a more flexible bandage for my arm and the bruising seems to be healing well. My head is still trying to explode, though," she looked at him shyly. He smiled and squeezed her hand, while turning to Steph.

"How was the conference?" You could see, Stephanie was immediately on fire.

"You wouldn't believe what they did to that kid!" she exclaimed with the most enthusiasm she could muster. Jo laughed and Alex raised his eyebrows in anticipation. That moment the door swung open and an awful lot of doctors and two nurses entered the room and rounded on them.

"Since when is it allowed to have so many people in the ICU?" Alex grunted immediately. Jo gave him a slight smack on his thigh which was closest to her uninjured hand and shook her head at him half amused half sternly. "They're all here to stare at you, I hope you know that," Alex hissed towards her.

"Ohhh, protective much? Let them all have a look, she is such a hottie, anyways, even wearing these joggers" Stephanie chuckled. Jo smiled slightly about the seemingly super-cheerful Stephanie and turned back to Alex.

"Just sit down, will you?" she said pleadingly, trying to tell him with her eyes how scared she was. Initial reaction Alex gave her was a shake of his head until he picked up on her emotions. He didn't sit down but pulled her closer to him, so he could put an arm around her.

"Dr. Josephine Wilson, 32, serious head trauma after a car crash, brain bleed in the left hemispheric parietal lobe, post-operation day 6, contusions to the upper torso and left arm and leg. Left shoulder dislocated in the crash, successfully relocated," a blonde seemingly 20 year old male intern popped up after they had all settled down and beamed at Jo expectantly. She gave him a small smile, looking at Alex for reassurance. Alex rolled his eyes only for her to see which made her chuckle. She looked back at the crowd of doctors. Every single one of them were smiling or nodding enthusiastically at her or mouthing 'Welcome back!'. She felt quite odd.

"Alright, settle down, people, let's begin," Shepherd quieted everyone down. "Jo, first things first. How are you feeling today?" It felt like it was the hundredth time Jo told someone how she felt. People were scrutinizing her, some of the younger doctors scribbling frantically on their notebook. After she finished the required task, Stephanie chimed in.

"Her arm is a lot better. I'll need to get some more x-rays done but it seems like she really didn't break anything. Hey Jo, let me try to move your arm a bit and you tell me when the pain gets too bad." She moved her arm, trying out her joints and fingers. "Nothing?" she asked with a surprised look on her face.

"It hurts but it's not that bad at all. It just feels sore but nothing that I couldn't cope with," Jo answered truthfully. Stephanie beamed.

"I do not know how you got out of that car in the shape that you seem to be in," she directed this at the patient, turning her head to Shepherd and adding, "I'll put on loose, flexible bandaging for now and schedule an x-ray for later today. But she's good to go from my side. Her shoulder is fixed for now, it should heal by itself as long as she doesn't strain it." With this comment, she directed a pointed look at Jo, who nodded, and got up. "I'll come by later with a coffee to catch up," she winked at her and waved to Alex before finding her way through the crowd and left the room. Two seconds later, the glass door opened up again and a very pregnant looking April Kepner entered the room.

"So sorry I'm late," she exclaimed breathing a little heavy and making her way to the front. She waddled around the bed and hugged Jo tightly, which surprised her. "I'm so glad you got out okay, Jo," she said sympathetically. She looked at her with piercing eyes and smiled. "You already look like you could come back to work within a week or two," she said jokingly. Jo smiled at her politely. April Kepner hugging her – lots must have happened. Dr. Kepner went to stand next to Dr. Shepherd and focused on the chart before her. "How's our patient doing?"

"Excellent. Her body does seem to be healing very quickly which isn't all that surprising," he turned around to look at Jo, "since you had been unconscious for the better part of four days. The swelling of your brain has gone back to normal and your head wound seems to be healing all by itself as well. You'll probably be experiencing severe headaches possibly with adjoining nausea for a while, however, that is the normal result of head trauma like you experienced it, nothing to be worried about. We will keep you on pain medication for another while, trying to get the doses down, though, gradually. The CT and MRT from yesterday are clear, which means that we can't trace your memory loss back to anything pathological or surgical. This may sound disappointing to you but all in all this is good news. It just means that the hopes that your memory loss is a normal result of your brain trying to get back on track after the trauma it experienced are a lot higher. Maybe it just needs some time to regenerate and since you are not fully well yet, your brain is somehow protecting you. Have you been able to remember anything at all from the period of time we limited your memory loss to?"

Jo shook her head. "No, nothing," she said. Alex squeezed her back lovingly.

"To be fair, we haven't been challenging you at all until now," he said.

"I see you have seen your assigned therapist yesterday. It is really important for you to try to do your mind exercises regularly and I know Karev will probably 'challenge' you until your brain decides to just remember because it will be sick of how persistent he can get," he chuckled. Jo looked at Alex and smiled.

"I'll try to remember that," she said.

"We will have you down to do the x-rays later and I will come check on you in the afternoon but if nothing changes, you'll be able to leave the ICU by tonight and move to the regular ward. We will need to keep you in a while longer though, since we have to monitor your brain after we removed the bleed," Derek said, hopes up high. "Where's her blood count?"

"I got it," April replied, looking for it in her files hastily. "Um," she turned around looking through the interns and trying to pick one. "Roberts," she pointed at one. "What can you say about Dr. Wilson's blood count?" The blond intern who had presented her case came to the front and stared down at the sheet without saying anything for a while. Jo could see Alex shaking his head out of the corner of her eye. "So?" Kepner asked expectantly.

"Well, there isn't anything much out of the ordinary," he said hesitantly.

"What a professional," Alex whispered more to himself than to anyone else. Jo tried to not laugh. "

Well, except for the hCG, which suggests… it suggests a pregnancy," he looked up with a surprised look on his face. Shepherd's head snapped up and Kepner fumbled for the blood count. Jo felt like she was going to vomit. _What did he just say? _Alex's arm tightened on her. He didn't seem to breathe anymore. Kepner studied the sheet.

"Where in the world did you read that?" she spat out flippantly. The young doctor looked at the sheet nervously.

"Um, it was right there, I mean… no I can't see it… I must have read it wrong," he said, his face turning dark red.

"Can somebody tell us what the hell her hCG says?" Alex raised his voice dangerously.

"Alex," Jo whispered, putting a hand to his side. He looked at her quickly, before turning to April.

"April," he said warningly. Shepherd turned his head to look at the blood count as well.

"No, no, no, Alex," April said hastily. "You're not pregnant, Jo," she looked at her half desperate half impatient. Jo nodded. That was the only thing that came to her mind. _Car crash. Memory loss. Alex. Pregnant_? Slowly, but pretty surely, she was feeling like her life was spinning out of control. Alex let out a long breath.

"I can't believe you chose that guy to assist with your surgery last week," he said aggressively. Jo looked at him. She started to laugh and let her head fall down on the cushion.

"I can't do this anymore!" she whispered, putting her face in her hands, abruptly going from laughing to crying.

"Alright, people, time to go," Shepherd shooed the people, still staring at Jo having her breakdown, out of the ward. Alex sat down on the bed and pulled the panicking Jo into his arms. Between sobs, Jo tried to voice her helplessness.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," she sobbed.

"Shhh, baby, just shh, it's okay, let it out, everyone's left, it's just us," he whispered back to her. His heart hurt like hell for seeing his love like that. He drew comforting circles on her back and she gradually relaxed into him.

"I thought I had come to terms with the situation," she finally said. Alex looked at her with sad eyes.

"After a day and a night? I know you have supernatural powers but I haven't seen anyone in my life before who has 'come to terms' so quickly after what all happened to you," he said, smiling slightly and kissing her temple. "But I'll tell you again and again: we'll pull through this together, okay?" She looked at him sadly and nodded after a minute. She wiped away her tears and reached for a tissue.

"God, I hate all that crying," she chuckled. They turned around to see Shepherd coming in again. He smiled slightly.

"I apologize for that," he said. "Everything's completely normal with your blood count. And as I said, everything else is healing really well. I'll come back this afternoon and make everything ready to move you to the regular's. Do you need anything else?"

"No, thank you so much, Dr. Shepherd," Jo spoke up, trying to sort her thoughts. He left the room. Alex turned to look at her.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I think so. Lots of information to process. How are you?"

"I'm sorry I didn't make it yesterday," he stated apologetically.

"Except for that you did," she smiled.

"Well, not while you were awake, anyways," he said, rubbing his eyes.

"It's okay. You have a life, too, I know that. Speaking of which, don't you have little kids to save?"

"I'm off duty for a while," he said, scooting a visitor's chair closer to the bed, so they could continue their conversation.

"Why?"

"Because taking care of you is a lot more important than going to work right now," he stated simply. A minute or so passed by before Jo continued their talk.

"Can I ask you something?" Jo looked at Alex shyly, feeling a knot building in her stomach. Alex looked back at her concerned.

"Shoot," he said, trying to hold her shaky gaze. There was a slight pause, while Jo searched for the right words.

"Are we… I mean… well… this is weird," Jo laughed loudly, fumbling around with her bedding. Alex put his hands on hers and squeezed them.

"Just ask," he reassured her.

"How long have we been dating?" Jo asked quietly, looking at their hands. Alex's face looked surprised. He was, he didn't expect her to ask this question like that. He sighed heavily.

"Pretty much the last 6 years," Alex admitted, carefully looking for Jo's reaction. He couldn't put a finger on what she was feeling. "I'm really sorry, Jo, I'm trying to understand how weird and way too personal and way too close this must feel for you," Alex started. "And I'm not trying to be extra protective or extra creepy, it's just really hard not to treat you like I would if you weren't having troubles remembering me," he tried to explain.

"No, Alex, you're doing fine, really. Yes, it is really creepy, but it's not you that is creepy. The creepy part is that people tell me stuff minute after minute that I have no knowledge about and I just have to process. When the nurse gave me the bag you packed for me this morning, I felt like I was going through someone else's stuff. It all looks like me, it all smells like me, I know it's mine, it just felt so wrong putting on those panties." She sighed and looked at him. "I don't mean to make it extra hard for you," she added. Alex shook his head.

"No, no, I know you don't. And that's what I'm saying. I'll be trying so hard to get this right, I just really need you to talk to me, okay? Tell me if you need space, tell me if you want me close, tell me about stuff like your underwear, that's the easiest thing, let's go out and buy new ones. I just need you to keep me updated." Jo smiled at the sweet gesture and nodded. They fell into easy silence for a bit, just playing with each other's fingers.

"So… six years, huh?" She looked up at his expectant eyes. He laughed, this time it seemed genuine joy.

"Yeah, I know, I can't believe it myself sometimes," he joked.

"How in the hell did that happen?" she asked, genuinely trying to get to more information.

"Don't ask me. You are definitely the one managing our relationship," he said, averting her eyes.

"That doesn't sound like me at all," she said. "So, I guess we live together?" she asked curiously, pointing at the bag of personals he had brought her. Alex looked up from their hands in surprise.

"Wow, is that a sore point?" Jo asked, regretfully. Alex chuckled.

"No, no, not at all. It's just…. I mean, do you want me to tell you these things? I think it's a lot to take in and I'd feel a lot better if we waited for the therapist to come help us a bit."

"Well, I talked to her yesterday and she did seem to have a similar opinion about that but what she also said was that right now, it is very important for me to sort my mess up there, and all the questions that can't wait for being rediscovered, I'm supposed to ask. And since I've woken up, there have been so many questions in my head, but most of them are questions concerning you. And I really just need you to tell me what it is we are," she looked at him urgently. "Look, Alex. I looked through my phone yesterday and I read a few of our messages and there's no denying that we are something… and then I saw that you locked my photo-files which I thought was weird or at least it makes me think that there's stuff you are scared to tell me about. And I know that this situation we are in is horrible. It's crap. I just need you to trust me enough to let me tell you, I am not going to break even though this will not be the last time I lose tears over this," she hadn't averted her eyes and they were sharing an intense gaze. She squeezed his hands. Alex sighed and nodded. He turned their intertwined fingers around, so his hand was lying on top. She stared at them, trying to get what he was telling her. He let go of her hands and reached inside his jeans pockets, matching her eyes to his again.

"We're married, Jo. We've been married for a little over three years now," Alex held out what looked like an engagement ring and a wedding ring to her. She broke the eye contact and stared at the wedding set and slowly realized that he was wearing his ring, too. For some reason, she hadn't seen that before. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. She didn't know what to say. And – oh my goodness – she couldn't lie about that, the rings were so beautiful, she had to refrain from taking them and immediately putting them on. She looked back at Alex again, who was patiently waiting for a reaction.

"I didn't see that one coming," she stated very neutrally. Alex laughed.

"Yeah, you were playing hard to get for the longest time," he joked.

"What do you mean by that?" She asked him curiously.

"Ah, nothing much. I once proposed to you when we were still pretty new and you accidentally agreed and then withdrew your vote again when you realized I had proposed. Then I asked you again a couple of years later and then you finally agreed wholeheartedly to marry me," he smiled at her sadly. Jo looked at him half amused half sympathetic.

"Sounds like I gave you a hard time," she said.

He chuckled again and closed his eyes, "nah, I just… we both knew the day would come someday… we just needed more time, you needed more time. Now that I think of it, for you this must sound like I pressured you into marrying me. Haha. It's not at all like that. You came around to liking me as well during the last 6 years, I swear," he concluded. She studied his dejected face.

"I wouldn't doubt that for a second," Jo said, feeling how the butterflies in her stomach woke up all afresh to exercise.

"I can keep them for you if you want," Alex said, pointing at the rings. "Or you can keep them, I don't know." He looked at her carefully.

"They're mine, right? Of course I am going to keep them," Jo said in a new found confidence and swiped them from his hands. He chuckled.

"I brought your necklace that you wear during surgeries to put the rings on. That may seem a little less weird for you than to put them back on your fingers." Jo smiled at him. She couldn't believe how sweet he was. She nodded.

"I think that's a fantastic idea," she said, taking the necklace and sliding the rings on, looking at them up close one more time, shaking her head in disbelief. "They are so beautiful," she mused. Alex smiled.

"Yeah, you really do love them," he said, making her look up at him.

"Help me put the necklace on?"

Alex got up quickly and closed up the tiny lock while she was holding her hair up with her good hand. She smelled so good. He was going to have to think of something how to cope with not being able to have her all to himself, at least for now. He sat back down and watched her still holding on to the rings that were now around her neck. They stayed in silence for a bit, mulling over their conversation.

"Hey, Shepherd told me we could go out a bit today if you wanted? The therapist doesn't have to come down, I could help you upstairs. Or maybe you wanna go to the roof, it's a beautiful day out."

"That sounds wonderful." Jo smiled. She finally felt that she was going the right direction even though she still felt so lost. "You may need to help me more than you think, though," she added.

"I'm a doctor, too, you know," Alex said pretending to be offended. "I know how recovery after brain surgery works," he offered. "I'm not going to let you climb up to the roof. There are these things – they must have invented them at some point in the last six years I guess - that are called wheelchairs," he said completely scandalized. She laughed, matching eyes with him again.

"I'm glad you're here with me, Alex." She said truthfully, asking for his hand again. He squeezed it.

"I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else," he replied, petting her cheek softly.


	5. Chapter 5

Jo was feeling a lot better that day. Having cleared her confusion about what Alex and she were to each other made everything easier. It didn't make the emotional tornado inside her calm down, but she did handle daily life better. At least for now. She felt like she could trust Alex with her life. She did feel that before, too, Alex was probably the one and only person she had ever trusted that much. However, knowing 6 years had passed and a lot could have happened in between those 6 years, she initially hadn't been sure if trusting Alex was still something she practiced. Now that she knew, things must have turned out that good between them, she felt safe again. Alex was her safe haven. They had wheeled her down to do the remaining x-rays a little later that morning and Alex had waited for her. He had helped her get ready to go out as a 'real' person again and he had wheeled her down to have lunch at the cafeteria.

The food hadn't improved much, it still felt so comforting to her that there was one thing she _did_ know. Even if it was the fact of how bad the cafeteria food tasted. The couple had had a laugh or two about it and conversation was easy going. They hadn't talked anything deep after their exchange about their marriage anymore. Jo needed to ease into her life again and enjoyed long stretches of break in between. She appreciated all the time Alex took to be with her, especially seeing how grateful he was that she seemed to cheer up a bit. They had loads to go from where they were now, especially since she felt guilty of having thoughts like that. She needed to be able to voice how insecure she was towards Alex. How everything overwhelmed her and at the same time she wanted him so much. And wanted to know everything. Now and then, some familiar faces came by and greeted them or even hugged her. She seemed to have gained a very respected part in that hospital. That relieved her immensely. Jackson Avery came by and sat with them for a couple of minutes before being paged to the E.R. To her it seemed they were some sort of friends. That was really weird. When he was gone, she sipped at her coffee and thought about it.

"Is Jackson still seeing Stephanie?" she asked Alex.

"No," he simply stated.

"What happened?"

"God, Jo, the few things you ask really are those that can't be answered in one simple sentence," he looked at her. She looked at him apologetically and put on her 'but I do know I can get anything from you if I just look cute' smile. He laughed, shaking his head.

"Unbelievable, woman," he chuckled.

"Well, didn't you say something about how glad you were that my character hasn't changed yesterday?" her eyes gleamed dangerously. He laughed again.

"Well, that sure is true. It makes annoying Jo so much more tolerable," he said earning a light smack.

"Oh come on, tell me, or do you want me to ask her about it?"

"By now she should definitely be over it. He left her for April."

"WHAT?" Jo exclaimed a little too loud. Alex looked at her warningly and shushed. "Sorry!" she mouthed, shocked by her own reaction as well. "Why?"

"Well, April decided to marry Matthew, we actually all went to the wedding – which didn't make the situation any better – and in between vows and rings or something, whatever, Jackson got up and confessed his love for April – Stephanie sitting right next to him," Alex recounted. Jo looked at him flabbergasted.

"I hope she got him good for that," she said mulling the new information over.

"Yeah, the months following the almost-wedding were a pack of crap for all of us. Stephanie tried to transfer a couple of times, you reasoned against it continuously. She eventually decided to stay and get over it. Good for her, she wouldn't be a kick ass orthopedic surgeon unless she had learned from Callie's hands."

"Speaking of which," Jo stated suddenly. "What specialty did I choose?" her heart actually fluttered in excitement. Alex grinned at her playfully.

"What's your best guess?"

"Hmm… I have no freaking idea. In my time reckoning I'm still an intern. But what I know from certain text messages you sent me and that creepy wide-eyed blonde intern who stares at me like I'm a goddess or something I'm pretty kick ass at it," she smiled proudly. Alex laughed.

"Yeah, you are indeed," he said.

"I wouldn't have thought it until you showed me," he added. Jo looked scandalized.

"You didn't believe in me?"

"I always believe in you," he said putting on his sweetest voice. She looked at him sideways.

"Is that what you sound like as a husband?" she chuckled.

"Absolutely," he said. "But you should hear the things you tell me sometimes, it's ridiculously hysterical," he laughed.

"Well, but it is my first marriage, right?" she countered. "You should know better. As far as I can remember, I'm not your first wife, right?" she challenged him.

"Good memory keeping, Mrs. However, our success at our marriage highly correlates with the fact that my first marriage was complete crap and I sucked balls at it." He pointed out. She laughed. Everything was so easy.

"So, you'd say our marriage is successful?" she wondered.

"Greatest achievement of my life," he commented truthfully. She smiled.

"I'm glad," she said.

"Well, do you think I would tell you if we were getting divorced right now?" he asked her.

"Well, I'd hope so! Except for if you were the one that had messed up and now enjoy the fact that I can't remember," she said with a malicious look on her face. Alex frowned.

"You don't actually believe that, right?" Jo laughed.

"No, why would I? Right now the only chance I have is trust in you," she said. "Also, Stephanie told me I am terribly in love with you, so… I guess that's it," she said, matter-of-factly.

"Well, who wouldn't be, right?" Alex joked. She beamed.

"You are awfully sure of yourself, you know that?"

"Ugh, you tell me that all the time. But how could I not be, I have the best wife on my side and she doesn't seem to be a runner even after 6 years," he said.

"Sounds like a valid reason for your self-confidence," she admitted.

"Alright, you made me completely lose my train of thought. Tell me what specialty I'm in?"

"Well, you haven't guessed yet!"

"I don't know, Alex. Best guess? Peds?"

Alex nodded. "You did have a really hard time choosing between Peds and the winner of them all. Good thing with your specialty, you still get to work in Peds a lot and most importantly – work with me a lot of times," he said. She looked at him in anticipation.

"So?"

"You're a kick ass trauma surgeon, Dr. Wilson," he said festively.

"Are you kidding me? I'm in trauma?" she looked baffled. "I wouldn't have thought," she said. He smiled at her.

"Yeah, sometimes I think you love your job more than me," he joked. Jo looked at him contemplating his words.

"Am I that bad of a wife?"

"Oh come on, you know I was joking. I'm just saying that you really love your job. You did things since being board certified, others could only dream of. We are both workaholics. Well, we're doctors. That's why our marriage works as it does. We're both into our work and we are supporting each other achieve the goals we set out to reach," he said.

"You know, I can't believe that you are talking about you and me. It seems our life is so in order and so ….," she fumbled for the right words. "…perfect, somehow," she said. "I mean, it's us we are talking about. When I looked at us both last time, we were sitting on a couch, drinking beer and making fun of whatever it was that crossed our ways," she recounted.

"Yeah, lots of things have changed," Alex replied. "Lots of other things haven't, though, don't go thinking we are not the same people any more. Because we definitely are. We just grew up a little and have to combine fun and responsibilities now. It works, trust me," he laughed.

"Sounds like it really does," Jo looked at him almost feeling like she knew what he was talking about. Why the hell wouldn't she remember?

They finished up their lunch and got ready to go upstairs to meet their therapist. Jo felt like walking. Alex wheeled her out of the elevator and helped her up, supporting her fragile body. She sighed while taking her first few steps.

"Whoa, whoa, take it easy," Alex slowed her. He raised his eyebrows at her. "You don't need to push yourself that much," he reprimanded.

"My feet weren't hurt in the crash, though," she answered like a little girl pouting.

"Oh," he laughed out loud. "You are such a baby, you know that? You are a surgeon yourself, you know how hard it is for one's body to adjust to so many changes and withstand all that pressure. So, let me tell you, don't push yourself so hard," he told her sternly. She was the one to raise her eyebrows now.

"Yes, sir," she said, teasing him with a smile. He shook his head, trying so hard not to break a smile. "Oh, come on," she squeezed his back where she had put her arm for stability. They grinned at each other. They looked up when they were standing face to face with a psychiatric.

"Jo, hello, you look radiant today," the woman told her smilingly. She turned to look at Alex. "And you must be Dr. Karev," she shook his hand politely.

"Yes, Alex, hi," he said, slightly surprised.

"I'm Dr. Zappaturi, call me Mina. You are a little early but you can make yourself at home in my office. It's the one way down the hall on the left side. You'll see my name on it. I gotta go look after one more patient before I'll be with you, alright?" They nodded and thanked her. Jo walked all the way down the hall and they entered the doctor's office. Alex snorted.

"Let me guess, you are making fun of the fact that it looks so much more like a spa than an office?" Jo met his eyes grinningly.

"Well, at least I don't have to feel guilty if you feel the exact same thing," he winked at her. Alex helped her sit down on one of the couches and stood to look at the diplomas that were exhibited on the wall.

"She's not a fraud, you know," Jo studied him. He turned around and chuckled, passing by a huge mirror.

"I bet this is actually a window and she's watching us right now," he said, frowning. Jo laughed.

"Let's give her something worth watching, then," her eyes sparkled. "

You make it so hard to believe that you actually lost part of your memory," Alex said, sitting down on the couch as well.

"Just because I can't remember part of what happened doesn't mean I lost track of who I was, Alex," she looked at him, concerned.

"I know," he said. "It's just… so surreal," he voiced his thoughts.

"Yeah, it sure is," she replied, letting her thoughts get the better of her. They sat in silence for a while, both of them staring off into space.

"You nervous?" Jo asked after a few minutes.

"Yeah," he replied quietly, playing with his hands.

"Me too," she said, looking down into her lap. That moment, the door opened and the psychiatrist came in, smiling at both of them.

"Sorry for the wait, guys. Alright, let's begin then. How are you feeling, Jo?" she sat down on the opposite couch and looked at her patient expectantly.

"Nervous, to be frank," Jo laughed uncertainly. The doctor smiled at her without saying anything. Jo looked at Alex and then back at the therapist. "I'm not sure how this will work," she said truthfully.

"What do you mean by that?" Mina said. Jo sighed.

"I don't really know what I'm supposed to talk about," she said with her eyes darting between the two other people in the room.

"Maybe you could tell us a little about what you think we should talk about," she suggested quietly.

"Okay. So, what I basically do, is try to help you guys handle this situation. This is more than an extra-ordinary situation for you and this means that you will need some guidance. Right now, it is really important that you, Jo, digest what this new situation means for your life after the hospital. Since we don't know yet, how long this will last, we will try to talk about two main things. First and foremost is how you can ease into your life again. This will take a lot of effort from both of you and sometimes you will feel like you have stretched all your limits. And that's what I can help you with. I will try to accompany you on your way back to your life. The second objective here is to try to get you back to who you were, to try to reach your memory. This will include Dr. Karev quite a bit since he will most probably be the one who will help you with this the most," she said. Jo looked at Alex who stared at the doctor almost as if he were in a trance. "Before we do anything of that sort, though, I need you to understand that I am here for you both," she stressed the last part of her statement. "Even though this is an unbelievable situation you might find yourself in, Jo, this also affects Dr. Karev's life in a lot of ways, and I need you," at this she turned to Alex. "to be just as open-minded and motivated to work with us as Jo is," she stated. Both Jo and Alex nodded at this.

"Of course, anything," Alex offered. Jo looked at him sadly. This was not how she had imagined her life. It probably wasn't what he had in mind either. He realized how she was looking at him and made contact with her eyes to reassure her. The moment was gone in a second when Alex blurted out, "but how do we do this? I mean, how are we supposed to handle this? What am I supposed to do? Should I tell her about her life? Or should I make her remember?"

The doctor smiled. "Sadly, it's not that easy," she said. "Right now, I'd suggest for you, Jo, look inside yourself and try to figure out, what you need to sort out first. There must be a lot of questions popping up in your head, and it's very important to ask them. Once you know a little more of what is going on, going back to your life will seem easier to you and more acceptable. After a while, you will maybe find your way back piece after piece." Jo nodded.

"I don't know where to start, either," she said after a couple of minutes of thinking. "It's already too much, I don't even know if I wanna know more. I mean, I do, all I do is wake up and every second there's a new thing that I remind myself that I have forgotten. Every minute I see something or someone is reacting to me, and I don't even know why. I don't know how much there is to know," she said slightly panicky.

"That's okay, Jo, there's one thing you have to remember. It's your life and all the information that you don't know will be brought to you. You will have to remember on a lot of occasions that you are not intruding into someone else's life, but refreshing yours. Nobody wants to hide anything from you. I suggest you start at the very beginning."

Jo looked at her for a minute before shaping the words she wanted to say. "I need to know what happened in the car crash," she said matter-of-factly.

"I don't know, Jo, don't you think that's a bit much for today? It has been a really rough day already," Alex interrupted. Jo shook her head.

"I know that but Alex, from now on, there won't be any days that will be easy. There won't be any days that will have no new information for me. If I keep pushing everything away just because I think it's too much I will never get back to who I was," she insisted. Alex bit his lip and shook his head.

"It's only your second day, though," he said, Jo still shaking her head.

"Alex, I know the only thing you wanna do is protect me and I really appreciate that but I need to know these things," she said. "Even though I might not have reacted as you wanted me to, I feel a lot better now that I know we're married," she said. Alex sighed.

"Can I interrupt for a minute?" the doctor asked in between their conversation, both jumping a little for having forgotten there was a third person in the room. They looked at her, waiting for what she had to say. "Alex, you want to protect your wife very much, and that is the first thing anybody would do. However, you need to trust Jo more than ever right now because she is the only person who can judge how much is enough. She's fragile, yes. But that doesn't mean she's weak. Be careful to remember that," the doctor said.

Alex looked at Jo. "It's just. I don't want to make you run away," he said truthfully, letting his head hang.

"What? Why would I…," but Alex wouldn't let her talk.

"I know you, Jo. I've known you for such a long time now and I know who you are. The more things overwhelm you, the faster you run from them. No, wait, that didn't come out right. I didn't mean you are a runner in general but you run from me. Every time you think something is way over your head, you start running from me, you think I deserve something better or whatever. I've seen the looks you have given me today and yesterday and I can almost hear you think you don't want me to waste my life on you. So, please, don't make me throw all that new information on you that will most probably overwhelm you since it is absolutely horrible to have done things that you seemingly have no control over. Because I can't lose you," Once Alex was going, he couldn't stop.

"Alex," Jo took both her hands and turned his face to hers. "I need you to stop freaking out," she said very calmly. "You are the one and only person in my life that keeps me calm. I need you to do this with me. And I promise you, I won't run. Where the hell should I run to anyways?" she said, looking him in the eyes deeply. He shook his head.

"Jo, you don't understand. I don't want to tie you down either. This is a whole new life for you and your head and your feelings and everything else is still 6 years behind. We were something completely else to each other that time. And it could have gone a completely different road as well. So, if you're back to that point, maybe this time you won't fall in love with me or this time you don't wanna marry me or I don't know finish your residency or keep the friends you have or live in Seattle, for that matter," he said trying for her to understand.

"Alex, please," Jo held his face very tight and tried to hold his gaze just as much. "You need to trust me," she stressed. "I mean, I have no idea what this means for my life or ours or our future, I can't give you that. Because I don't know either. But I know I wanna do it with you, I know that with all my heart. I need you with me," she concluded. Alex clenched his teeth and sighed to calm down.

"Okay," he said finally.

"Okay?" she asked again. He nodded. She let go of his face, but while he was already meaning to turn back to the therapist, Jo grabbed him by his shirt collar and pulled him into a tight hug. Alex reacted surprised for a moment, before hugging her back enthusiastically. They stayed in this position for a while. "I am not leaving you," Jo whispered so quietly, it was only meant to be heard by one person and he did. He closed his eyes and kissed her shoulder sweetly. They parted and looked at the doctor sheepishly.

"Sorry," Jo said. The doctor smiled.

"No need for apologies, you are doing a great job voicing your feelings to each other. And you will probably curse about that later on, however, without the proper communication between you two right now, you will not travel far. For both of your sakes, I hope you will keep telling each other what you need." They both nodded in unison. "But I guess, even though you might not remember your marriage, Jo, some things are engraved in our brains. And since you two have been friends for such a long time, trusting each other will not be a very hard challenge, right?" her eyes twinkled at them. Jo smiled slightly. "Go ahead," she encouraged her.

"Tell me what happened in the accident," she pleaded, turning around to Alex. He sighed.

"Stop me anytime, alright?" Jo nodded. "It happened last Thursday. We were supposed to get off at the same time and drive home together. Thursday night was crazy, though. We had so many traumas coming in, so I had to stay and you headed home." He looked up at the therapist questioningly. She nodded. Jo looked between them in confusion. "From this point on all I can tell you is from what they reported from the scene," he told her honestly. "The next time I saw you, you were coming in strapped to a gurney." He gulped.

"Okay," she said, comforting him.

"You wanted to run downtown really quickly because you had told Ruth that you would stop by," he said. Jo's eyes went wide. She still knew Ruth? Alex interpreted her look right. "Yeah, that old bat is still alive," he chuckled and earned a slight smack. "She's old though and needs to be cared for. We visit with her as much as we can. That day you got off pretty early, and as said, you wanted to run by her house before going home. You sped up to pass rush hour but a lot of others did too. There was a pile-up way ahead on 99 which you saw and you slowed down but the car that drove behind you didn't, so he sped up and tried to pass you when he saw that there wasn't anywhere to go. So he tried to evade the head-on crash and cranked his car over to your lane – with high speed – and then you had to get out of the way. He would have crashed your left backside completely but you managed to pull the car around far enough, so he crashed your front side and hit you badly." Jo was listening intently.

"Wait, why would I do that if he only hit my backside?" Alex looked at the doctor, showing his insecurity but she didn't react. He turned back to Jo who was looking at him in confusion."What's going on? What don't you wanna tell me?" she asked puzzled.

"Well, you weren't alone in the car," he said carefully, letting her get ready. Her eyes went wide.

"What are you saying? Who was with me in the car? Are they okay?" Her legs shivered and she pulled her cardigan closed.

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down, calm down, Jo," he said, putting his hand on her thigh to physically settle her. "Everyone got out okay, you were the only one coming out with severe injuries," he said. Jo was breathing heavily.

"Who was in the car with me, Alex?" she said warningly. Alex closed his eyes and let out a long breath.

"You were driving with our kids," he said slowly, carefully holding her gaze. Jo froze. She just stared at Alex, uncomprehendingly. _You were driving with our kids. _Alex looked at her, waiting for a response. Waiting for some kind of reaction. She didn't show. He needed to be patient. After what seemed like an hour, Jo cleared her throat.

"Are they okay?" she asked in the lowest voice he had ever heard her talk in.

"They're fine, really, thanks to you nothing much happened to them. You saved their lives. They're well," he assured her. She looked at him for another minute, trying to understand what he was saying. She breathed in slowly and let herself sink down to put her face in her hands. Alex closed his eyes. He wanted to cry. Or break something. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. He just stared at her. When he wanted to put a consoling hand on her back, he saw the therapist shaking her head at him confidently.

"Let her process this for a minute," she mouthed at him. The minutes passed with silence in the room. After a while, Jo sat back up, turning around to look straight at Alex. She hadn't cried. Her face was steady.

"That's why you put a restriction on the photos, right?" she simply asked. He nodded, and she joined him doing so. She sighed and looked at the therapist.

"What are your thoughts, Jo?" Mina said.

Jo just shrugged and shook her head. She felt empty. She felt dazed. There wasn't much she could articulate. Nothing much to offer from her insides. She was just empty."I really don't know," she stated after several more minutes spent in silence. "All this seems like a dream. It's like a really, really bad Hollywood movie." She laughed. Alex looked at her worried.

"I'm so sorry, Jo," he gulped. She turned around to look at him.

"Please, stop apologizing," she urged him, almost seeming irritated with him. "I need you to understand that as soon as I can remember all this, I will kick your ass for apologizing to me for our life constantly," she said, almost joking but without the tiniest hint of humor in her voice or eyes. She sighed. "Within one day, I was dubbed married, pregnant – even only for 2 seconds but still – and now I have kids. As in – plural." All of a sudden, something sparked in Jo's eyes and she turned around to look at Alex."Tell me about our kids," she said, seemingly shaken about the fact that she hadn't even asked yet and there was something wonderful waiting for her. He gave her the tiniest smile.

"They are our greatest achievement," he told her. She smiled, appreciating the choice of words that he had already used to describe their marriage. "They're twins, they're 8 months old this week. Their names are Ethan and Madison. They both look like you even though people keep telling us there's no way I can get out of my daddy duties with those eyes and attitude." Jo beamed. "Do you wanna see a picture of them?" he offered. She nodded completely engrossed in the new information. Alex got out his phone and slid through his folders. He gave her the phone to look at a picture and watched her reaction closely. Jo's hand flew to her mouth, she looked like she was about to cry.

"My god," she said really quietly. "Look at them!" Alex smiled down at her. "They are beautiful," she commented, completely forgetting where she was.

"They're all yours," Alex patted her back lovingly. She looked at him.

"How could I forget my kids?" she sobbed quietly, her lips trembling. Alex took both her shoulders and held her steady.

"Jo, this has nothing to do with the kids or me or you. Things like that happen. You are a surgeon, you know that. Think about it rationally. You didn't forget your kids. You forgot 6 years of your life. And we'll get it back," he concluded with a strong voice, believing in it so much. Jo looked at him with all her guard down.

"What if I don't? What if I never get my memories back?" Alex wiped away the single tear that rolled down her cheek.

"Then we'll make new memories," he told her, completely honest.

"Do you mean that?" she said. "Can you live with a wife that forgot about the first 6 years of their relationship and the first 8 months of their babies' lives?" Alex didn't blink once.

"We have a lifetime ahead of us. We'll have years and years to make up for what you can't recall. The kids will grow up with both their parents and we will grow old with each other. I don't care about the last 6 years. I care about you and I care about the fact that you survived when I thought I had lost you forever. I love you, Jo, and it's not a question of can I live with you but a question of how could I not?"

Jo had listened to Alex closely. She couldn't believe what he had just told her. She couldn't believe how he had just told her without a blink how much he loved her. She couldn't believe how the man she had known had grown into the man that sat before her and talked sense like that. She stopped thinking, closed her eyes and kissed him. It was short, but sweet, though Alex pulled away quickly – as he had kept doing every time, she noticed. They both looked at the therapist.

"Well, I must say, this is going a lot better than I initially thought it would," she said. "I didn't anticipate such a strong bond between you two. Your relationship must have a very, very long history to create such a bond. I believe we have exhausted our limits for today and would suggest meeting again in a couple of days if that's alright with both of you." They nodded. Alex helped Jo up from the couch and sit down in the wheelchair. She was way too exhausted to walk one step now. They bid their goodbyes and Alex brought her down to her new room where she fell asleep in a matter of seconds.


	6. Chapter 6

When Jo woke up it had gotten dark outside and somebody had switched on the lamp on her bedside table. She got up and went to the bathroom. Then she opened up the door to the hallway and looked out. The halls were pretty empty except for one person strolling towards her with a tray of food in her hand. A beaming Dr. Grey.

"Jo, you're up. Perfect timing," she said happily, embracing the younger woman.

"Did you come to see me?" Jo asked showing a surprised face.

"Of course," Meredith laughed. "I wouldn't be carrying around dinners for any other patient, trust me," she winked. "How are you feeling?" she looked at Jo concerned, while they both sat down at the table in her room and Jo looked down at the plate. Jo shrugged.

"Tired, I guess," she said truthfully. Meredith nodded.

"I don't blame you. Alex told me about your day," she said. Jo looked up at the doctor.

"What'd he say?" she asked curiously.

"Nothing much, just a tiny recap of what you guys talked about on psych and that the Roberts kid messed up your labs," she recounted. Jo nodded.

"How is he?"

"Roberts?" Meredith asked, frowning.

"No, Alex," Jo smiled slightly, before trying the pasta on her plate.

"Oh," Meredith laughed. "For a minute I was thinking you actually cared," she said.

"Would that be such a horrible thing?" Jo shot back, smiling.

"Hm, yeah, I don't know. You are one of the nice ones. But after what he pulled today, nope, you have no right to care about your students anymore," Meredith concluded. Jo didn't know if this situation was nice or weird. She had always had a rather good connection to Dr. Grey but it seemed like they actually were on a friendly-ish basis.

"Alex went home with the twins. Your sitter is really sick and he's still trying to find someone to sub for her." She told Jo matter-of-factly. Jo nodded. It felt odd, having to think about trivial stuff like that. "He said to tell you to call him, anytime," Meredith said, looking at Jo curiously. She put her fork down, the food was not edible. She sighed.

"Okay, thanks," she replied.

"You know, Jo, I know you see me as your superior but in the last years, we have grown to be friends, so if you ever need anyone to talk to other than Alex, you can always come to me, alright? I mean, I know he is the biggest support anybody could imagine and he _is _your husband and all but you may need some other people with this, too. Especially if you feel like talking _about _Alex," Meredith wasn't quite sure if she had said the right words, since this was very delicate. Jo smiled gratefully, though.

"That is really sweet of you, thank you, "Jo said truthfully. "Right now, though, I need to get some stuff sorted out with myself and with Alex. It's been quite a few hours. And I haven't even begun to digest half of it. Or understand for that matter." Meredith nodded understandingly.

"Well, let's hope it's going to get better every day," Meredith tried to sound cheerily, getting up."I hope you don't mind but I really need to get going, too, before my kids go to bed," she said, offering another hug to the patient.

"Thanks for stopping by," Jo said and bid her good-byes. She watched her boss walk towards the door pensively, biting her lower lip. She wasn't sure if Dr. Grey was the right person to turn to, however, once the elder had reached the door, Jo plucked up the courage and called after her in a small voice.

"Dr. Grey," she asked, with a nervous voice. The addressee turned around, smiling.

"Meredith," she just said and winked. Jo gave her a sheepish smile.

"Meredith," she said nervously. Meredith raised her eyebrows in anticipation, when Jo hesitated for a minute. Then she sighed.

"Ask anything, really," she tried to encourage her. Jo opened her mouth to say something but couldn't quite find the words expressing her thoughts.

"Well," she started, irritated with herself. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second. "I know it's probably a silly question because first of all this was a long time ago and secondly it probably wasn't such a big deal in _your _life to make you remember but," she started, looking up at Meredith who just stood there waiting for the point. "Well, do you remember that one time just after you guys bought the hospital when Alex made you pick up that kidney at that hospital in Missoula and you let me come even though in the end the kidney took a plane by itself?" Meredith smiled and nodded.

"I do remember that," she said, waiting for the question.

"Do you remember what we talked about Alex on that plane?" Meredith nodded, still not knowing what Jo's question was about.

"Okay," Jo hesitated, trying to collect her thoughts. "Well, what I'm trying to say is…," she sighed again. "I think… I mean, you remember me telling you that I had trouble understanding Alex, right?" Meredith nodded. "And you told me he probably hates me," she said. Meredith chuckled.

"What are you asking?"

"Well, I'm not sure. It's just… you know, I mean… ugh, this is so complicated," Jo was getting frustrated with herself. Meredith closed the door back up and came back to sit with the young woman.

"Take your time, Jo. Try to sort the thoughts in your head. Is there something you want to ask me about that time? Or is it something you want to tell me?" Jo looked at Alex's friend in exasperation.

"I'm not really sure. I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling. Or what I'm thinking for that matter. At that time – which for me is right now – I was trying so hard to 'speak Alex' as you have put it before," she said, Meredith following her. "And I just… I couldn't. I mean, some moments I thought I could and some moments seemed just… completely cryptically for me," she paused for a second.

Meredith chuckled. "Well, but that's Alex," she said. Jo gave her a small smile.

"Is it? Or have I figured him out by now? I mean you told me then that _you_ speak Alex fluently," she stated insecurely.

"I am sure, by now you have mastered the art of speaking Alex; and your talents have reached heights way beyond any of ours. However, that time… when you asked me, you remember what relationship we were in, right? I mean, I was your superior. I had just bought a hospital. I was fighting with pregnancy hormones. And people quitting at the hospital. The chief of surgery running off, the aftermath of the plane crash, first year of my fellowship – I really didn't care about your confused feelings about Alex," Meredith recalled truthfully. "So, of course, I was cold shouldered and told you, he probably doesn't care about you. But that wasn't at all true. And I'm not saying that because a lot of time has passed and you both have shown us differently and you are hurt and lost. I really am not. I was the one who initially asked Alex why he wouldn't admit his feelings for you. And that was way before our ride on the plane. I knew about his feelings for you. Not sure if he did, though," she said, chuckling. Jo listened closely."When you shared your opinion with me about how Alex was hurt and felt abandoned because of everything that was going on, I knew it was true. I just couldn't care less about an intern telling me that I had forgotten my friend for an instant or what he was feeling because you were dating someone else. I really didn't care. But it was true. One hundred percent. So, let me tell you, you spoke Alex pretty decently, even back then. And if that's what's worrying you, then let me tell you, don't! You are doing great and you will definitely find your way back to him," she said. Jo breathed in sharply.

"You really think so? You think that even back then, I could relate to him 'decently'?" Meredith nodded.

"Come on, Jo, you guys were 'best buddies' back then, right?" Jo nodded.

"Yeah, until I started dating Jason," she admitted.

"Well, maybe that was the key to you both slowly figuring out your feelings for each other," the elder one tried. Jo nodded slowly, a little uncertain.

"But I didn't. I mean I can't remember feeling like I was in love with him. Or was I? I mean… no, that can't be. I'm with Jason. I mean, I was with Jason. I was dating him. I liked him. Right? Ugh, this is really hard, you know? I mean not because of the amnesia… it's hard to try going back to what I felt for Jason in view of knowing now what he has done to me." Meredith nodded again, sharing her pain. They were silent for a minute. "I'm sorry, Meredith, you should really get going. Your kids will be waiting for you. I didn't mean to ramble. Until I have my thoughts and feelings sorted out, your kids will be grown up and ready to date themselves," she tried to joke. Meredith looked at her empathetically.

"I can stay, it's not a problem," she said honestly. Jo shook her head.

"No, no, I… thanks, really, for staying, I just… I need to go over this in my head again. I don't even wanna know what the hell it is that's bothering me," she said quietly. Meredith nodded and got up.

"As said, you can come talk to me anytime. You have my number. Call me up whenever you need to talk or hang out, really, I'll come to your rescue," she winked again. Jo smiled.

"You really are a nice person," she said, already regretting it. "I'm sorry, that came out really wrong," she said. Meredith chuckled.

"It's fine. You are the intern, I'm the attending, trust me, I get it. Good night, Jo, try to get some rest," she said, waving before she went to the door and walked out.

When the attending had left, Jo's look was still clung to the door she had just closed behind her. She sighed .She wasn't sure if she was okay with what she had told Alex's friend. Maybe she shouldn't have. But maybe Meredith was right. She did need other people to talk about what she was going through. She got up and walked over to her nightstand and looked at what snacks Alex had left for her. She got out a sandwich and started eating it. Much better. When she was done, she turned on the TV and let it wash over herself. She watched the happenings of some stupid reality show almost apathetically.

_Alright, Jo, just think about it. It's easy. Just go through it one more time. From beginning to end. You started your internship and you were all driven and motivated and focused on what was ahead and when you met Alex you didn't care one bit about him because he was a douche and all your new 'friends' were sleeping with him anyways, and you didn't even have to deal with him at that time. Then you… wait. Why did you just think 'your friends were sleeping with him anyways'? That sounds like… you were… jealous? No, that's not the word… it sounds like you thought about him but since he was already taken… what? No… now you're just mixing up what you feel for him now, or you must feel for him now with what you thought about then… right?_

Jo shook her head and put her face in her hands. Now she was overanalyzing it.

_Just because you are trying to sort out your feelings, doesn't mean that you have to over-dramatize every single thing. This is silly. You didn't even know him. What can you remember from what you knew about him in the beginning? Nothing. And that he was sleeping with every single female, heterosexual woman at the hospital. Or at least close to that. But he _was_ stupid hot. Right? Right. _Is_. But you didn't care. You met him when you were on his service and you liked Peds. You also liked his work. But he was an asshole, right? You didn't care for him much. Even though he was stupid hot. Oh well, you can't have everything. Okay. What happened then? _

Jo felt like everything was a blur. Her head ached badly. Even though she was thinking about a time that was actually way before the time frame in which the amnesia set in, she felt like she had a hard time remembering. She didn't know if it was fatigue, her age, the memory loss, or just overpowering.

_You worked with him a lot. You loved being on Peds. He let you do some kind of procedure. What was it? Can't remember clearly. You messed up, you fought a lot. Wait no, you told him about the foster homes. Wait, why did you do that? And when did you go tell his boss on him? This is confusing. You clearly can't remember it chronologically. Then you got really trashed at Bailey's wedding _with _Alex… and that was the beginning of your friendship…. You saw each other every day. At work, at the bar, at his house. All the time. You drank a lot. You laughed a lot. You messed around a lot. You started to trust him. You didn't care what anybody thought about you guys. Alright, but what happened then? _

Jo took a deep breath.

_I was totally engrossed with the new-found friendship, so how did I go over to dating Jason? I remember sighing for him since the beginning of my internship. Oh, I remember, I actually asked Alex for his opinion on it…. On dating co-workers. And then I asked him out. Him Jason. And then everything got weird. And then the whole hospital thing happened. But why was it weird? And then I remember feeling like I was losing Alex… and I couldn't place that feeling. Was that? Was that the beginning of… I mean… No, I don't remember realizing that they were actual feelings… romantic feelings… no, I was scared of losing my friend Alex. My best friend Alex, who I trusted more than anyone or anything in that world. Right? But why the hell did we fight like that? Why did I not trust Jason as I trusted Alex? And why in the world did I get so mad about… I mean… but why didn't I just break it off with Jason?_

Jo sat in her bed, pondering. Her head hurt badly. Her insides felt weird. It was like she was hurting inside. No, not hurting, it was… like she was dreading something. She couldn't place the feeling. She also couldn't sort out her feelings. She wanted to understand so badly. At the one hand, now that Alex had kissed her and everything, she was one hundred percent certain that she was completely in love with him. She had never felt like that before. Her insides were yearning for him. For his presence, for his touch. On the other hand, she wasn't certain at all. Like _at all. _She couldn't define it. How could anybody be so in love with someone from one day to the next? That was impossible. But she couldn't really put a finger on one day or situation in the past when she started to have feelings – romantic feelings – for Alex. She needed to rest. But she would think about it another day. She needed to figure that out. She needed to understand her own feelings. How in the world could that be so hard? She groaned in frustration_. Stupid, stupid, stupid_. But right at this moment, she was harboring one other very prominent feeling inside her – guilt. Why? No idea. But she needed to talk to Alex. She needed to make up for how she had treated him. Of course it had been more than 6 years ago. But she still needed to make up for how she had behaved. She had probably hurt him badly. She pulled out her phone and called Alex. She couldn't push it any longer.

"Hey," he greeted her, sounding cautious.

"Hey yourself," she said, trying to sound chipper.

"Did you get enough rest?"

"Um, yeah, it was fine. Will be sleeping through the night as well, though. I'm exhausted," she said.

"Yeah, I imagine," he replied. There was a short pause.

"Meredith told me that the babysitter got sick. Did you find a back-up?"

"Not yet. Today was fine. But Hunt asked me about coming back to work again soon, so I'll need to get one until then. Or at least hope for Lauren to get better," he mused.

"Of course, yeah. When are you going back to work?"

"I don't know. Since I will be in the same hospital, anyways, I thought I could start up again the day after tomorrow or something. I will take off some more days once you are discharged, but Hunt knows about that already," Alex yawned.

"You really don't have to take off work for me, I hope you know that," Jo worried slightly.

"I know you feel better but going home is different. It will be really hard and I am not going to let you in this alone, I told you. I wanna be there with you," he said. "We talked about this today," he added quickly. Jo sighed.

"I know. It's just – I don't want everyone to cut their lives just because I can't remember my past," Jo said.

"Jo, stop it, you know what I think about that," Alex warned her. There was a long pause but neither of them thought about hanging up. Better not saying anything than not hearing each other.

"Are you going to bring the kids in tomorrow?"

"Do you think you are ready to see them?" Alex asked with concern in his voice.

"As ready as I'll ever be. I'm sorry, Alex. I freaked you out today, I know. It was just… really hard. I still can't believe that I'm supposed to be a mother. I can't believe they're mine and we made them and I carried them and then we had them and now we're responsible for them. It's a lot to consider," she needed to say that.

"I know, Jo, you're doing really well. I just don't want you to think you have to see them. You can take your time. I mean, the kids will love being with you, they miss you so much."

"How do you know that?" Jo wondered.

"You just know. Trust me. If we come by tomorrow, you'll see how they react to you," he said.

"You really think that?"

"Absolutely. You are their mother. They need you. They cry for you every day," he said quietly. That broke Jo's heart.

"Oh God, you are evil, you know that?"

Alex chuckled. "I'm sorry. I guess your mommy hormones have kicked in again?"

"They may have. It's a weird emotion - quite difficult to define," she said, also smiling.

"Well, just wait, trust me, it gets better and better every day."

"I really hope so," Jo smiled to herself, lying down between her pillows. There was another pause.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Ah, not much. Watching the game, having a beer, giving up on finding a new babysitter."

"I bet if you wait a day or two, the usual babysitter will come around. She can't be that sick, right? And then once I'm home, I will have lots of time anyways."

"You'll be going back to work at some point too, you know," Alex said questioningly.

"I don't know, do you really think that?"

"Um… yes, of course. Why would you not?"

"Because I forgot everything about surgery?"

"Well, first of all, we're on it to get all that back and second of all, you still remember all your skills from being an intern. You'll just have to assist with surgeries in the beginning instead of rocking them all by yourself. Also, we'll have to see about that but I guess you only lost your episodic memory, your surgical skills might not all be crammed in there," he thought out loud.

"Sounds so easy,"

"Everything that's fun is easy. Don't worry, everything will play out fine," he said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself more than her.

"I'm not so sure I should be standing in an OR if I haven't even met my kids yet, let alone taken care of them or anything else in my life."

"Give yourself some slack. Of course you won't be able to do the same things as before the accident. But we'll get there gradually. Don't worry. Your life isn't over. Also, no offense, but I really didn't marry a housewife. I married a surgeon. Just to be clear on that," he laughed.

"You know, Alex, I would laugh, but I know you're dead serious right now," she chuckled.

"You know me well," he replied.

"Well, yeah. But I also know by now that you would take housewife me just as much as surgeon me," she said quietly.

"True to that, Mrs." He confirmed. There was another silence.

"I wish you were here," she suddenly said.

"Do you want me to come over?" he asked immediately.

"No, I mean, I wish you could stay with me during the night. I hate having nightmares. It makes me feel so much more vulnerable. And I just can't fight them," she admitted.

"I'm sorry, Jo," he said. "I wish I could help you with that. You should talk to Mina about it, I bet she has some kind of dazzling idea how to deal with them," he exclaimed. Jo shook her head and smiled.

"Did I tell you how proud I was that you made it all through the session today?"

"Oh, don't patronize me, woman," Alex said, taking a swig of his beer. Jo chuckled.

"Well, it's not your most favorite place in the whole wide world, or am I wrong?"

"Well, Mrs. If you ask like that. My most favorite place is anywhere near you. And even if I think her 'office' is really creepy, I will go there anytime you need me to," he said truthfully.

"Aw, what a perfect husband you are," Jo teased. They enjoyed the slight banter between them. That was how they knew each other. "Alright, husband, my eyes are falling shut already, I should probably just call it a night before I fall asleep on you," she said.

"Alright. I really hope your nightmares will spare you tonight," he said in a sweet voice. "Call me anytime, alright? I mean it," he urged.

"Okay. Alex, thank you. I really, really wouldn't know what the hell to do without you," she said, a little quieter. "I can't wait to see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, me too," he replied. "Don't be too nervous because of the kids," he told her. "You'll do just fine, they will be all over you once they realize you're back," he said with joy in his voice. She smiled.

"Easier said than done," Jo said. "I've never had kids before, you know," she said.

"Well, at least now I finally get back to you," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I was kind of really nervous when you went into labor and you never let me off the hook because of it." He laughed, remembering the times.

"Haha, oh well, maybe this is it, then." There was another short pause.

"Good night, Jo," Alex said.

Jo hesitated shortly. "Hey, Alex?" Jo whispered really quietly.

"What is it?" he sounded concerned. She paused again.

"I'm really sorry for how I treated you while I was still dating Jason," she said, nervously. There was silence on the other end of the phone. Jo held her breath for an answer.

"I don't understand," he said after a while, puzzled. "Why are we talking about that?" Jo closed her eyes.

"It's nothing, really. I just… I have been trying to figure everything out… my feelings and thoughts… you know… and memories… and I know you must have heard this a thousand times. Or wait – I hope to God you have heard this a thousand times – but I really am sorry about all the things I said to you. About misjudging you and that you were a bad friend. That was not called for. That's about the only thing I have figured out in its entirety as of now. Everything else is still a blur. But as said, I'm really, _really_ sorry about how I treated you. I have never had a friend like you before," she explained herself.

"Jo," Alex sighed deeply, realizing how many huge subjects they still had to conquer.

"No, please, don't say it's okay," Jo pleaded with him.

"I wasn't going to," he said wearily. "I was going to say we _both_ made a lot of mistakes. And I was going to say, I'm sorry, too. And I was going to say, are you sure you don't want me to come over tonight? I don't want you to sit in that freaking stupid hospital room all by yourself going crazy with all those loose thoughts in your mind," he stated. Jo smiled. He knew her better than she had once again expected.

"No, Alex. Let's be reasonable. You can't leave the kids alone and as you have said, you haven't found a sitter yet," she said, immediately anticipating an objection but tried to beat him at it. "And no, you are not going to wake them and take them with you. I'll be fine. I will get off the phone now, turn off the TV and go to sleep. I'm really tired, anyways. And you will do the same. And I'll see you tomorrow morning and I'm sure we'll have loads of time to talk about everything. I really didn't wanna aggravate you. I just… I really needed to say that," she finalized the matter.

Alex sighed audibly. Jo bit her bottom lip. "Good night, Alex," she said pointedly.

"Alright. I get it, you don't want me to come over. I'm glad you called me, though. We'll talk about it another time, okay?" Jo smiled.

"Okay," she said, feeling a lot better because of how safe and protected she felt with Alex.

"Good night," he said. After another short break of listening to the respective other one's breathing, they both hung up and went to bed.


	7. Chapter 7

When Jo opened her eyes tiredly in the morning, she immediately felt the tension wash over her. She tried to get her hands steady and her pulse down but she tried in vain. She got up and stretched – her bruises were getting better slowly but she still felt really sore after spending so many hours lying down in the uncomfortable hospital bed. She was hoping that their beds at home were a little more comfy. She walked inside the bathroom and looked in the mirror. She looked like somebody had driven a car over her head. She needed to get out more, freshen up a little. She hopped into the shower and finished her bathroom routine before the nurse came in.

"Good morning, Dr. Wilson," a mid-thirties from ear to ear beaming male nurse entered. Jo jumped up in surprise.

"Elliot!" she turned around and beamed at the nurse. "Finally somebody I do know," she laughed. He came over to hug her tightly.

"How are you doing?"

She pulled away from him and tried to do her bedding.

"I'm awesome, as you can see. The hospital food is ensuring a brilliant bikini figure and all the meds make my skin so smooth and soft like a baby's ass." She laughed as he looked at her like she was going cuckoo. "I'm joking, Elliot," she added half seriously.

"Oh, really?" he shot back.

He put a tray of breakfast at the table which Jo just glanced at and said, "You really shouldn't have bothered. I'll get something at the coffee cart later, this food is not edible," she shook her head.

"Well, why don't you let me say what I wanted to say," Elliot reprimanded her. "Dr. Hunt told me to apologize to you that he hasn't been to see you but he is so happy to hear that you are making fast progress and he will come by sometime soon. And, most importantly, he sent you breakfast," he said, batting his eyelashes. Jo had raised her eyebrows.

"Wow, are you serious? The chief of surgery has sent me breakfast?" Elliot laughed.

"You are not an intern anymore, you know," he said chuckling. "And you are actually good friends with him from what I hear," he said mulling that idea over in his head. Jo just nodded, positively surprised. That moment, the door swung open and Alex put his head in carefully to look if she was there. Jo beamed at him and waved for him to come in, slightly leaning back on the bed she had just made. Elliot opened the door for him all the way and Alex came in with a sleeping baby in a car seat, a babbling baby in a baby sling and two steaming hot coffees held in a tray in his other hand.

"Hey," he said, putting the coffees and the car seat down. He looked between Elliot and Jo questioningly.

"Alright, I'll see you later, Jo," Elliot got the hint and left, Jo not responsive to him anymore. She was looking at the baby, Alex was carrying. He smiled at her. Then he put on the most ridiculous but cute baby talking voice and took the baby out of the sling.

"Well, who's here? Huh? Is that mommy? Are we going to go see mommy? Look, buddy, look who it is," he turned the boy around and pointed at Jo. Jo was grinning slightly about Alex talking like somebody quite else but quickly turned to emotional overload when the baby reached out his hands and widened his eyes when he saw his mom. "Yeah, let's go say good morning," he said, carefully walking closer to where Jo was standing. She stared at the baby in wonder. "Do you mind holding him?" he asked her gently. She shook her head and reached for him immediately. The boy laughed out loud and hugged his mom tightly, putting his head on her shoulder and humming. Jo hugged the baby to her and tried to hold the tears in that were threatening to fall. Alex sat next to them and watched, trying to swallow all the pain down. _She was alive. Everything was good. No more angst. No more tears. They were all going to be fine. _Jo finally looked up from the still cuddly baby in her arms and tried to read her husband's face.

"Are you okay?" he whispered slightly. She broke out into a huge smile and nodded,

"Yeah," she chuckled out. He smiled slightly. She looked at him sadly, realizing he wasn't enjoying the moment as she was. "What's going on, Alex?" He raised his eyebrows to her question.

"Nothing, I'm just trying to be as grateful as I can," he said, patting his baby's back, who turned his head around, still lying it down on Jo's shoulder and smiling at his dad. They both chuckled.

"They're perfect," she said quietly, looking straight into Alex's eyes. He nodded.

"I know, they really are," he said, letting his arm wander over to hug her from the side and pull her closer. Jo leaned into him thankfully, closing her eyes for a minute. Realizing how silent it was in the room, Ethan jumped up and started laughing, looking at his parents having a moment. He started babbling loudly, throwing his hands all over and then touching Jo's mouth in consideration. The adults chuckled.

"What's up, baby?" Jo said and immediately turned around to Alex in shock who laughed at her uncontrollably. "Did you hear that?" she said in horror.

"Yeah, that happens when the mommy or daddy hormones kick in, trust me," he nodded vigorously. "It's ridiculous and embarrassing but they _love _it," he said, patting his son's head who was still touching Jo's lips softly.

"Do you wanna have a kiss? Do you wanna give your mommy a little kiss?" Alex asked joyfully, watching his son. At this, the baby opened up his mouth really wide and just leaned forwards meeting Jo's lips. Jo laughed hysterically. "Oh cutie," she said, still laughing, wiping her son's drool from her mouth, not believing how much she loved that kid already. "Did you just kiss me, oh honey, that was so nice of you, thank you," she said lovingly, kissing the baby all over his face, making him chuckle. She turned around to look at Alex, putting an arm around his waist and tightening it. They looked at each other for a few seconds, before Ethan grabbed Jo's hair and pulled. Her face distorted horribly and Alex's free hand reached for Ethan's grip and told him to let go which he did after a couple of seconds of smiling gleefully. "I was just about to thank you for these amazing kids," Jo chuckled. "But after this, I need to rethink," she said, smiling at him.

"Oh, you know, that was nothing," he said, rolling his eyes, looking at his daughter, still fast asleep in the car seat. "You should have been home with me and seen what this sweetie did last night instead of sleeping," he teased. Jo looked at him in anticipation. "She thought let's be cruel and annoy my dad while he tries to get some sleep," he recounted, using a mocking voice.

"Awww," Jo said a little mockingly herself, using the arm that she had slung around Alex to pat his back. "I bet she just couldn't sleep without you," she said, defending the little one. Alex laughed out loud.

"Yeah, that's probably it. She's a little angel and all she does is because she looooves us so much," he chuckled. Jo nodded pointedly. "Nah, this one is a little rascal, she's playing us all the time, you'll see," he said, smiling.

"So, at least one that has descended from you directly," Jo commented, grinning widely.

"What?" Alex exclaimed offended. "Says the one who started her career using tears to get into surgeries?" Jo laughed, remembering.

"Well, would you rather I'd have used sex?" Alex looked at her in mock contemplation.

"I'm not sure…," he said hesitantly. "You probably wouldn't have come very far," he said, getting a questioning look from her. "At least with me," he said.

"I don't believe that for a second," she said convinced he was lying.

"Why not? I never brought the girls I slept with in the OR. And you don't count because we were actually going out. And before that I let you scrub in because you were my friend. And I was in love with you, obviously," he said, casual tone. Jo was surprised he was talking so freely about that. She enjoyed it.

"Well, so it actually gets back to the fact that I'm the smart one in this in using tears instead of sex and saving the sex for bribing you for other stuff, right?" she looked at him challengingly. Alex laughed a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah you certainly did," he said. She laughed.

"I really hope our daughter – or son for that matter – never trades in sex for surgeries. Or anything else. Tears, baby! I got you every time," she said with lots of pride lacing her voice.

Alex chuckled. "You wish now, but once you get to know Maddie, you'll change your mind about the tears. She knows how to use them. It's annoying," he said. Jo looked at him with mocking angry eyes.

"Don't you dare insult my kids," she said in a wicked voice. He laughed.

"Yeah, let me remember that until Maddie wakes up," he said, smiling slightly, leaning in to kiss his boy who had been playing with his mother's shirt. "Don't you undress your mama, there are too many people here to make fun for all out of it," Alex added, patting his diaper butt slightly. Jo looked down to see the baby had opened up a pretty large part of her zipper and revealed her bra slightly.

"And you couldn't have said anything a little earlier on, right?" she looked at Alex testily. He blushed slightly which almost made her soft.

"Um, sorry," he said in embarrassment. She squeezed his side lovingly that she was still holding tightly.

"Can you hold him for a second?" she asked, already moving him over to his dad who took him with a wide smile.

"Come here buddy," he said, earning a tight hug from the boy. "Oh, you're such a hugger today, huh?" Alex observed frowningly, holding the baby tightly to him. Jo had pulled up the shirt she was actually wearing underneath the sweater vest and then zipped it up carefully. She walked over to the coffees and took a sip.

"Do you want some breakfast?" she offered Alex. "Hunt sent me some," she said smiling. Alex turned around mirroring her face. He declined gratefully. "So how long did she keep you up?" Jo asked interestedly.

"Well, it's really not about how long she kept _me_ up. But she didn't sleep much herself. And now she's sleeping in the morning which she really shouldn't be. I can't deal with a messed up sleep schedule as well right now," he thought about it and sighed. Jo looked at him, sighing as well, looking down at the breakfast and breaking the croissant in halves and started munching on it.

"Can I help with anything?" she asked offering. He looked at her.

"I don't really think so," he replied. "I mean, there's nothing much to do, you know, they'll be fine. I hope Lauren's coming back soon. She's had some time now to recover and I could really need her help," he said.

"So, Lauren's the babysitter, right?" Jo asked.

"Yeah," he said questioningly.

"Alright, everything starts to make sense," she said, smiling. "I was really wondering why the hell you paid some lady 60 bucks a night for whatever…," she chuckled. He smiled.

"We are way more conventional than you might think," he said, winking. Jo laughed and shook her head.

"I'm not even sure what I thought she was to us. I mean, I may even have thought babysitter or something else… I don't know, personal assistant? Something fancy?" she laughed. "I just didn't dare think about it too much but it stayed in the back of my mind constantly," she said.

"How's Elliot?" Alex changed the subject.

"Um, good I guess? Don't you talk to him?" she said.

"You know I can't stand that guy," he said, sighing dramatically. Jo thought about it for a minute before nodding,

"Yeah, true, I remember something like that," she said. "Why was that again?" Alex frowned.

"I don't know, he's a jerk," Alex said moodily. Jo frowned and smiled at the same time.

"Actually, he isn't," she said, shaking her head. "What's the matter? Tell me the juice," she said, teasingly. Alex looked down at his son trying to make out if he was sleeping.

"What's wrong, buddy, why are you so calm today?" He shook his head in confusion. Jo looked at them worryingly.

"Do you think he's sick or something?" she asked.

"Nah, I don't think so. Ethan's a little softie. He's had a rough week with the accident and all. They were in shock and when you didn't come back home, he was getting really unsettled. Nightmares and all, crying in his sleep, not talking much when awake, hugging all the time," he said. Jo looked at him sadly.

"Oh poor baby," she said getting up and hugging him. "I'm so sorry," she said, kissing his face and back. Alex hugged her tightly to them, so she was face to face with her son. "I wish I could have saved you from all that," she said, trying to voice her worries. Alex kissed her temple and listened.

"You did save them, remember? That's why you are in here," he said. Jo looked at him with worry.

"But still, I should have… I don't know," she stopped. "They're just babies," she said frantically. "I mean, look at him. He seems so sad," she kissed the little boy again.

"Yeah, but I really think that's because he has missed you so freaking much. We all have," he added silently. Jo turned around to look at Alex, letting her hand that was hugging him slide up towards his neck and pushing him down to kiss her. The kiss was soft and intense but too short, as always, which made her seethe inside, since Alex seemed to pull away every freaking time.

That moment, somebody knocked at the door and a second later Elliot came barging in. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said, slightly embarrassed. Jo smiled at him, letting go of Alex and taking over her baby again.

"Jerk," Alex murmured when passing her to go wake up the girl. Jo tried to smack him but didn't reach.

"What's up, Elliot?" she said.

"Um, rounds are about to come in and they're asking if it's okay the interns are coming in as well," he said, hesitantly.

"Yeah, sure, let's have a party. It's not like they can tell me I'm pregnant twice, right?" Elliot and Alex both looked at her. "What? They're that stupid?" They both grinned and nodded. "Oh, wow," she said, shaking her head. Well," she turned back to Alex. "Make sure you overpay Lauren a bit next time she's sitting for us, we wanna make sure she wants to take care of a new-born soon, too," she chuckled. Alex's head shot around with an angry look. "Whoa, whoa, I'm joking," she said, a little insecure. He took the girl out of the car seat and put her on his shoulder where she kept sleeping soundly. Jo looked at her and smiled. "She's definitely your daughter," she stated, making him smile.

"Yeah, I never doubted that for a second," he said. "Stop joking about being pregnant though, we just had two kids, it's not funny," he told her honestly.

"Oh come on, I can't seriously be pregnant, right?" she said, turning joke to worry. He shook his head.

"No, not really. I mean of course, there's always this chance of everything going wrong, but no, it really shouldn't be the case," he told her. She nodded.

"Alright, I'll stop joking about it, then," she said, sharing an awkward look with her husband.

"Don't worry, everything will be fine," he said. She nodded.

"So, I'm on the pill?" Alex nodded. "Did you bring it?"

"Um, no not really," he said sheepishly.

"Well, make sure you bring it next time, before another cycle starts and we're compromising this whole third baby thing again," she said matter-of-factly. Alex looked at her uncertainly.

"What?" she said. "Um… I don't think we'll need that just yet," he said, blushing furiously. Jo smiled, turning her head away from Alex trying not to laugh.

"What?" he said a little offended.

"Alex," she said, trying to get back to serious. "You need to stop getting so self-conscious when you are with me," she stated. He looked at her for a second, a little shell-shocked, before remembering something and chuckled.

"What?" she asked curiously.

"You just reminded me of a conversation we once had," he recounted.

"When was that?" she asked.

"Well, actually it was after our first time together," he sighed, averting his eyes.

"Okay," she said, waiting for more information.

"I can't remember all of it but you definitely told me back then already to not be that self-conscious about you," he said, making her smile.

"You know, I'd never have thought I get something out of you except for grumpy, angry, rude or mocking," she said. Alex looked at her in surprise.

"Ouch," he said. She laughed.

"That was a little harsh, sorry," she apologized. "I just meant, when we were friends, this all had a whole different dynamic," she stated, pointing in between them. He nodded.

"I know," he said. "That has changed a lot since," he said. "Although – wait what was it? – grumpy, rude, teasing… yeah, I'm still pretty good at that," he laughed.

"I bet you are. But you have been so sweet. In my opinion, that counts for a lot more than the grumpy Alex. It's like you are this whole different person," she voiced.

"Well, I really am only like this with you," he said. "That's why you keep hitting me all the time for being rude to other people," he winked. That moment the door swung open and again, lots of doctors came in. She smiled at him with what he knew as pure love in her eyes, which made him uncomfortable because she couldn't have that look, right? His wife used to give him these looks, not friend Jo. He looked down when Maddie seemed to wake up and they both turned around to look at the doctors.


	8. Chapter 8

The next couple of weeks went by slowly. Jo had gotten into the routine of getting up, waiting for rounds, having breakfast and then walking down to visit the twins in daycare. She loved playing with them. Even in the few weeks she had gotten to know them she felt like they had grown and learned stuff that they hadn't been able to do 2 weeks before. Most of the time she would just watch them and study their faces. They did look a lot like her – if babies looked like anyone much. Ethan was the calmer one and his personality was drawn on his face with soft features and dark round eyes. Maddie was the wild one, Alex hadn't been kidding about her feistiness. She also looked a lot like Jo, although she had definitely inherited Alex's eyes. Every day when she went to see them they were crazy happy to see her and squealed joyfully. She enjoyed being with them, she felt like her kids were the only people in the world not constantly watching over her and not thinking about how to talk to her best. There were always people coming to visit around lunchtime, sometimes people she anticipated to see, sometimes they were doctors that she did know from before she lost her memory but made the exchange awkward since she had gotten close to so many of them during the years but couldn't remember.

She had started to write everything down and tried to make sense of the information. She had asked one of the nurses to give her a blank sheet that was usually used for EKGs or EEGs, so she could draw a timeline and after the visitors left, she would add some new information here and there. Her therapist had advised her to find a way to make sense of everything and although she was not fan of writing a "diary", she felt like that's what she was doing. Especially, because she hadn't told anyone about it. Her timeline and notes had gotten lots of input in those two weeks except for information on her marriage. Alex had started work again a couple of days after she had woken up and although he had been to see her a lot, he hadn't come around to tell her about it. She had tried to steer the conversation in that direction several times but she had bumped into a very big and hard wall. Alex had been really sweet though, a few days after she had met the babies, he had brought her scrapbooks and memorabilia she had obviously kept from the pregnancy and the first few months after the kids were born. She had loved seeing it even though it still gave her the creeps when she thought about the fact that she had been the one who had given birth to them.

Thrice a week she would walk upstairs to sit in with her therapist. Alex hadn't been able to make it following their first appointment. She totally understood why, he was a surgeon, there was no time for all of it. She had been glad to talk to Mina in private a couple of times but sometimes she wished Alex would come too, since they – as a couple – hadn't made any effort since the day she met their kids. The sessions with her therapist were filled with talking about where to go from now and what her feelings were, which was very complicated – even if she had all her feelings right there – but the sorting and understanding was very exhausting and she was grateful that she had help doing it. When she wasn't due to go to her sessions, she spent afternoons wandering around the hospital, sneaking into the OR galleries or taking long walks in the park to clear her mind. She wasn't supposed to wander off by herself, after all, she was still a neurosurgical patient, however, the staff mostly gave her a free pass and didn't tell on her when Shepherd asked. It was only a couple more days before they had promised her to be discharged and finally be able to go 'home'. Even though she didn't know how that was going to go, she was looking forward to it. Alex had said he would take another week off so they could settle in properly and get her started. She put all her hopes into that week for him to tell her more about their relationship. And to get their 'new' relationship going. Even though Alex was the most caring and comforting source she had, he had been acting very distant with her and they had fallen into a rhythm of talking a lot and no touching or anything else. She had let him off the hook because she wasn't supposed to be the one who remembered them being a couple. But she hadn't forgotten. When she would wake up from her still residing nightmares, she would lie in her freaking uncomfortable hospital bed and think about him and more times than others she would think about him holding her or kissing her again.

As much as she had tried the last few weeks, nothing had come back to her. Shepherd had asked repeatedly and Mina had given her advice and shown her tricks of how to maybe reach something in her mind that wasn't quite accessible, but no success. She had been frustrated a lot of the hours she spent with herself but tried to keep optimistic. Shepherd didn't seem to be too worried and told her repeatedly that the severity of her brain bleed and the impact of the accident were reason enough to let her brain rest for a while. She should have come out of the car with a lot more injuries than a 'harmless' memory loss. Jo realized she was lucky. But she wasn't very patient. Not with herself anyways. She had just finished her lunch and a study about episodic memory loss in brain injured patients and tried to decide what to do with the still early afternoon, when her phone beeped. Stephanie texted her to ask if she was available for a walk in the park. Jo immediately replied and smiled about the unplanned, very much positively anticipated meeting. She got herself ready to go out and walked over to the nurses' station to tell them where she would be going. Hearing about Dr. Edwards, they immediately approved and she just wanted to make her way to the elevator when she heard Alex calling out her name. She turned around and saw him hurrying down the stairs. She smiled.

"Hey there, busy man," she said, reaching for him to hug her. He looked at her with worrying eyes.

"Where are you going?" he asked suspiciously. She smiled.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" she said teasingly. He raised his eyebrows.

"I believe if you were allowed to walk freely around this hospital, they would have discharged you by now," he said.

"Ugh, I've been walking around the halls for weeks now," she pointed out.

"Well, I know, I saw you in the gallery yesterday, watching my surgery," he said disapprovingly.

"Yeah, you kicked ass in there, I didn't have the chance to tell you yet," she said, hesitating. "You didn't come see me afterwards,"

"It was getting really late, I didn't wanna wake you," he said, averting his eyes.

"You should have, though. I never get to see you these days," she said.

"I'm sorry, Jo, it's been crazy lately. I promise we'll spend every minute together once you get home," he said squeezing her hand. This wasn't entirely true and they both knew it. Of course, for Alex it had been crazy at work. But that was because he had dove into it for safety and distraction. He needed time to think everything through. He was quickly getting frustrated with the situation. He wanted to help Jo so much but he couldn't find a way. He wanted to make her better, make her well, but he couldn't. So he had started to avoid her at any cost. He had gone to visit her every day of course, but he had pulled himself back a lot, not showing any emotions or talking about serious matters. Alex knew this wasn't at all going great, she needed him to talk to her. He just couldn't. At the moment. He was so scared to do or say anything wrong.

"Are you sure you won't be missed here? You know you don't have to take a whole week off," she looked at him questioningly.

"They'll be fine. I wanna be with you and the kids," he said, looking at her with honest eyes. He had told himself he would be there for her and try to be more supportive and helpful once they had the time and space at home. She smiled.

"Well, I for one can't wait," she said, meaning every word. He chuckled.

"I bet."

"So, where are you going?" he said, pressing the topic. She smiled.

"I'm going for a walk in the park." She rolled her eyes when she saw his look. "With Stephanie. I'm going to meet with Stephanie and she will be holding my hand during every step I take outside the hospital," she teased. Now it was Alex's turn to roll his eyes.

"You know, I'm just worrying," he said.

"I know you are. You shouldn't be though, I'm fine. My headache's a whole lot better today, actually," she told him, not entirely truthful.

"You know, Jo, I can tell when you are lying," he said, raising his eyebrows again. She smiled at him with her 'please forgive me' smile. He laughed and shook his head.

"Just go," he said, pushing the elevator button for her.

"Will you swing by my room before you head home?" she asked him, turning serious. Of course she realized he was avoiding her. This made her miss him even more.

"I'll try to get out of the OR earlier tonight, I promise," he said.

"Okay," she smiled, matching her eyes with his. She took a step closer, trying to get him to kiss her. He looked away when he heard a nurse calling his name. She sighed and closed her eyes in defeat. _Why can't he just kiss me?_

"Alright, gotta go," he said, turning back to her and kissing her cheek swiftly. "See you later," he added, already heading towards the phone the nurse was holding out for him. She got on the elevator and went downstairs to meet with a very cheerful looking Stephanie who was holding out a steaming hot coffee for her. They exited the hospital together and Stephanie shared today's hospital gossip with Jo who enjoyed herself to the fullest.

They walked down the little park adjacent to the hospital and sat on a bench near the waterfront.

"So, how's it going with Alex?" Stephanie asked curiously. Jo sighed and took a sip of her coffee.

"I don't know to be honest," she said, looking at her friend in concern. "The more I try the more he seems to pull away," she mused.

"Try what?"

"Well, you know… make our lives as close to normal as they would be if this hadn't happened," she tried to explain.

"Well, maybe he doesn't want you to do that," Stephanie looked at her earnestly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean maybe he wants you to just try to – I don't know – find yourself and start a new life. Make new memories," she stated.

"It's not that easy with a template laid out for you, you know," Jo shot back, a little irritated.

"I don't wanna criticize you, Jo. I'm just saying, it's hard for him, too. I heard him talk to Jackson the other day and I really think he just wants you to be well and comfortable. He really tries to redeem himself a little, so you can just try to figure out what you want."

"I don't get it - doesn't he want me to be with him? I mean get back to the point where I wanna be his wife and the mother of his kids?"

"He wants that more than anything, Jo, it just doesn't seem right to him. He wants you to figure out what you want, and if you even still wanna be with him and your kids. The last thing he wants is to trap you and make you play house with him," she said, taking another sip of her coffee and looking back at Jo who seemed to be juggling this information in her head.

"It doesn't make any sense. I'm trying so hard to act like you know… like everything's good," she murmured.

"Yeah, that's what makes it awful, Jo, can't you hear yourself? You _act _like everything's good? Tell me what's going on inside you," she looked at her with wide eyes.

"No, that got out really wrong. Of course I'm not acting. I just, I'm trying so hard to make him comfortable, too. He is struggling so hard and he is so insecure, how to talk to me, how to touch me, he is always restraining himself, I can see it in his features. He tries to not call me nicknames and not say 'I love you' and not say anything that could hurt me or remind me that I can't remember – even though I know that every second of every day. There's this big elephant in the room, wherever we go. He's even embarrassed to bring the kids in because it suggests we have had sex before, I swear, sometimes I wanna smack him over the head," she tossed a twig out on the lake. "It's just… that's not how I know him. The Alex I know doesn't care or at least he doesn't show that he cares. He pretends to not care and he pretends to be the coolest guy on earth and he's all like, fetch me a beer and shut up," she finished her rant. Stephanie looked at her with compassion.

"I'm sorry, Jo, this sucks," she said. "It really does, I don't even know what to say. He sure doesn't seem to be at all like himself. Have you talked to the therapist about that?"

"No. I couldn't. I can't even talk to him about it, I don't wanna call him out in front of somebody else. The one thing I can remember is that there are things between Alex and I that are just better not to be talked about. We can live with that." She concluded.

"Well, that's where you get it wrong," Stephanie told her. "That was when you guys were still friends. And it happened because you guys were trying to silence the fact that everybody counted on you guys to sleep with each other at any moment. But you never did, and you never talked about it. But now that you guys are married, I don't think you have any secrets from each other. I mean, you know, I don't mean you tell him e_verything," _she stressed that word.

"What do you mean by that?"

"No, nothing much. I just didn't mean that you come home and tell each other every sandwich you had that day, but all the important stuff, you really talk about," she said.

"How do you know that?"

"Because I have known you guys for a while now. You are my best friend and he has been my co-worker and I have known you as a couple and I just know."

"Sounds like _that_ argument has a valid foundation," Jo rolled her eyes. "Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot," Stephanie said immediately.

"Be honest. How would you describe us as a couple?"

Stephanie laughed. "Hmmm… where to start?" She chuckled, losing her grin after seeing Jo's face. "You guys are… well one of the most admirable couples there are in this hospital," she said. Jo frowned. "I just mean, you guys have been together for years now and you really seem to have something good going. You fight and you've had rough patches, of course, but you never once called it quits, you never once carried your relationship problems out in the open for everyone to see. At work, you function seamlessly, and nothing personal gets in the way. And in private, you just work. You guys are fun to be with and easygoing and I think you just don't think too much."

"So you think it's more casual than something else?"

"No, not casual. I mean, yes, your atmosphere is casual and you are both very down-to-earth people, so yeah, it's fun to hang out with you, there's not much drama and you have it all together. Personally, I think you guys have a pretty intense connection," she said, stumbling on her words a bit. "It's weird to talk about it. I'll get you back for that once you have your memory back," she winked at her friend who smiled politely. "You guys are so in love. That one hasn't ceased the last six years. You'll make out any time, at work, or at the bar, or at a dinner, you just don't. You guys are tactful," she winked again. "I mean you do, just not all the time. You just… the looks you give each other and the small gestures and touches, it's really sweet," Stephanie mused. "I hated you for a while when I couldn't find the right person after Jackson dumped me. You had your Mr. Perfect right then and there, even though you didn't even actively look for him. And he supported you through your whole residency and then getting yourself started as an attending. He would have gone anywhere if you had decided to take a fellowship in… whatever… Zimbabwe. I don't think your marriage is easy, don't get me wrong, you are both stubborn and well, you know how you both are. But in the end, it is worth it because you need each other and well… as I said, you guys are madly in love," she concluded. Jo mulled that over in her head.

"Are you making all of that up to make me feel better?" she teased, not knowing what else to say.

"Nah. Seriously, I talk a lot of crap but I couldn't be that mushy if I hadn't seen you live like that for years now," she replied. Jo laughed.

"It does sound mushy!" They both laughed. There was a long pause that Jo took to digest all that info.

"So," Stephanie started the conversation back up, looking at her carefully. "What's it that you feel for him?" Jo studied her face while trying to answer the question. She shrugged her shoulders self-consciously. "Do you think he can make you fall in love with him again?" Stephanie offered. Jo looked at her friend, biting her lower lip. She shook her head, making Stephanie's eyes go wide. Then Jo smiled.

"He doesn't need to," she started. Stephanie frowned.

"I am already madly in love with him," she just stated. Stephanie smiled at her questioningly.

"Seriously? That fast? How does he keep doing that?"

"Well, I guess I must have been in love with him while I was still seeing Jason," Jo said quietly, blushing a little. Stephanie smiled.

"I knew it!" She laughed out loud which made Jo raise her eyebrows.

"Have we talked about that before?" Stephanie tried to get back to serious.

"Loads of times," she said. "And so have you and Alex," she added. "However, at least with me – you never coughed up the whole story," Stephanie said.

"Why?"

"You mean, why did you and Alex talk about it or why did you never tell me about the Jason thing?"

"Both, I guess," Jo shrugged.

"Well, as said. You guys talk a lot. And you had a really hard time getting over the whole Jason thing. Totally entitled to, I give you that, but still. You couldn't make sense of all your emotions for a while. Why you had been with Jason for so long, why you had moved in with him, and then from one day to the other fell in love with Alex that hard. You didn't know what to do with that. And you did tell me that you had some feelings for Alex that you had noticed before, but you weren't sure about those either. I honestly believe that you never consciously thought about Alex that way. But the relationship with Jason made you wonder. You compared them a lot I think. To me it sounded like you wished you were dating Alex but not because you were consciously in love with him but because you wished for Jason to be more like Alex. Which sounds really stupid and it actually says that you were in love with Alex but I think you didn't realize it. I really don't think so. I mean, that's from what we talked about. And I'm pretty sure you didn't tell me everything," Stephanie paused, waiting for a reaction.

"Even though this all sounds really messed up, it actually makes sense to me. Jason was this guy I was fancying from the beginning, if you remember. He was a price that I finally received, you know? I was proud to be dating him. But in between starting my internship and laying an eye on Jason and actually starting to date him, Alex came along, and I hadn't expected that at all. And I needed a friend so badly – no offense – we just clicked. I just… I didn't put the pieces together, I think. And also, since everyone was talking about us, I naturally denied it to all you guys but I also denied it to myself. So when I started dating Jason, I… I probably thought that was reason enough for people to quit bugging us. But I remember once I started dating him, my feelings for Alex got really confused. And I'm not talking about romantic feelings yet, I just… everything got so complicated. Everything he did or I did or we did… everything was so pronounced and that I _did_ realize. And I did think about that, I just… I don't think I realized that I was in love with him. I mean… ugh, this is all really complicated, trust me. I mean, I'm sorry, you have to listen to me ramble. I swear, if I knew how to say this in one sentence, I would," she apologized to Stephanie.

"Don't worry, I'm glad you're opening up," she reassured her.

"What I do remember is that I was really horrified about the thought of not working with Alex anymore when everything at the hospital seemed to go south and I think I was dreading the day when we wouldn't work with each other anymore which also meant that I wouldn't get to see him anymore. Because why would we meet, right? I had a boyfriend… and I was pretty sure he was getting some as well… and… we were just colleagues… so that freaked me out. And then I tried to save our relationship but he pushed me away and I'm not sure if I ever told you but there was this time when he was a real jackass towards me when the board bought the hospital… but he came to apologize to me at Joe's after that day… and that was the weirdest experience I've ever had. I… I can't really tell if that was maybe when I realized… that it wasn't all friendly between us but… something else… but I really didn't wanna know… I didn't wanna realize. So what I did is use my perfectly working defense mechanism and we started fighting a lot. That's the only thing I do know. That fight we had. Me telling him what a crappy friend he was… that was not something I truly felt. That was made up of thin air. I felt threatened. He was too close. The first time in my life I felt like there was somebody who truly cared and who could read me perfectly. And I couldn't deal with that. So I started the fight. And that's about it with all my memories. So yeah… I can't tell if I actually realized I was in love with him before. I must have been though. There's no other explanation," she said. There was a short break during which both the girls digested what all had been said.

"When did you realize you were in love with him?"

"Well, I told you that he came in on the day I woke up and kissed me, right?" Stephanie nodded. "Well, right about then. There were 5 seconds when he came in that I was really glad to see him and so grateful he was there, and all I wanted to do is be in his company and then he hugged me and that was really weird because we hadn't really hugged before, I mean yeah, we had on a few occasions, but you know, casually, or whatever, but not like that, he hadn't ever hugged me like that, and I just… I felt like my whole world was spinning… and all I wanted in that moment was for him to never let go because it felt so safe, so right… but then I realized that we were friends and that I had just gotten out of a relationship with Jason and we had had that horrible fight and he wouldn't even be talking to me if I hadn't had that accident, so all my hopes went away again and that was – I think – when I realized, it's not a friendship that I want from Alex. I want so much more," she recounted. "And then he kissed me, and then that feeling was signed and ready to go," Jo smiled insecurely, thinking about it.

"Did you tell him that?"

"Tell him what?"

"That you _are _in love with him?"

"Well, I have been trying to make him see. I can't tell him, though. He wouldn't understand. He would take it the wrong way. I've been trying to have him close and make him realize how much I want him but he just… he's so blind to everything I do because he tries to restrain himself that much."

"But it must be really weird for you if he acts like your husband, right?" Stephanie asked.

"No… I mean, of course, some things are weird, because I wouldn't have counted on it before and I know that lots happened in all that time, but it's fine because I know that it would be completely normal for me if I remembered. And right now, since I just found out that I'm in love with him, I really want him to do all that stuff to me and be my husband." She blushed again.

"But you realize now what it's like for him, right? I mean, it's not fair. You don't get brand-new-in-love Alex and he doesn't get wife Jo, you guys just need to figure it out some more. And as far as I know from your stories and rants, he is the type to push the person he loves away when he's insecure about something," Stephanie said, Jo nodding.

"I know…" she said. "I just need him to see that I do love him, even though I don't remember. I really do. All I wanna do is go home and you know… maybe we'll have to figure everything out anew. But that's okay. He said himself, let's make new memories. But why won't he start doing so? Why won't he let me start new memories with him? Why is he pushing me away that hard?"

"Probably because of what you told me from your first session with the psych?"

"You mean because he's scared I will not wanna share my life with him anymore? I don't get it. I wanna get closer to him and he wants to get away from me because he thinks if he gets too close I will walk? It's so messed up, Steph," she sighed.

"Yeah, it is. That's why I suggest: talk to him," she emphasized the last three words.

"Yeah, I know I should… it's hard though. I really haven't learned how to… I mean it's the easiest thing to talk to him, trust me. It's so smooth. But I can't… I mean I don't dare talk to him about us… I feel like I don't know him that well and it would be way too personal."

"You know, Jo, you switch a lot between the Jo you woke up to, that you actually wanna be and the Jo you feel like you are. Maybe you should think about what you really wanna do with that. It's either this or that. I know, that sounds harsh, but maybe that's the cut that you need to start this new life with him," she thought out loud.

"Yeah, maybe it really is," Jo said, turning around to her friend. "Thanks for caring so much, Steph," she squeezed her shoulder. "I know this really isn't what you wanted to talk about," she said with compassion.

"It's fine, really, I enjoy not being the one with problems for once," she teased, making Jo look at her with raised eyebrows.

"Considerate, really, my friend," she just said, laughing and shaking her head. They walked back towards the hospital, arm in arm, and Jo let everything they talked about seep through her mind. She really needed to do something about Alex.

Later that night, she had just put away her notes about that day and switched on the TV, when she heard a soft knock and saw Alex come in.

"Hey," she smiled at him genuinely. He looked exhausted. It was after ten and everything was quiet.

"Hey," he whispered, putting his stuff in the visitor's chair and coming closer. She moved over in her bed to make some room for him. He sat down at the edge and looked at her with tired eyes.

"You look completely drained," she commented, reaching out for his face. He leaned in and kissed her palm and smiled.

"Yeah, long day," he said. She smiled at him sympathetically. "How was yours?" he asked.

"Good," she said. "Bo-ring," she added, chuckling. "Can you just take me home?" she asked, giving him her puppy-dog eyes. He rolled his eyes. "Nobody'll notice, I swear."

"It's only 2 more nights, Jo," he told her compassionately.

"I know," she sighed, leaning back on her pillow. "It seems like the final stretch is so much longer though than the last few weeks," she said. He smiled. They sat in silence for a while, Alex putting his hand on her hip unconsciously – or that's what she concluded to since he wouldn't have done that consciously trying so hard to keep his distance lately. "Hey, will you be there for our last session before I get to go home tomorrow?" Jo asked Alex quietly after a few minutes. He looked up at her like he just remembered.

"Oh yeah, that," he said, trying to collect his thoughts. "When's that again?"

"Two thirty," she said, waiting for a response.

"Okay," he said. "I'll try to be there," he looked at the clock on the wall as if he was trying to ask it if he was going to make it to the appointment.

"I would really appreciate that. Maybe she can tell us what to do when we get home," she said slowly, not sure what he thought about it. He nodded. "Or maybe you have something to talk about as well," she said carefully, trying to catch his eyes. He looked up at her a little insecure, not saying anything. She put her hand on the one he was still resting on her hip. She bit her lip. She was comfortable with their long stretches of silence; they both still had a lot to process. She just wasn't sure if he was.

She didn't know if it was the darkness that engulfed them, only having the lamp on the night stand switched on, or if it was the growing relationship between them that gave her the courage to do what she had been wanting to do the last couple of weeks or if maybe talking to Stephanie earlier that day did the trick but Jo finally made a move herself. She slowly sat back up, shifting a little to make Alex sit a little more comfortable and leaned towards him. When she looked up at Alex's eyes, he just stared at her. She reached out both her hands, one resting on his chest, the other one going through his hair. He closed his eyes and sighed. She knew he was wrestling with himself. And she would wait for him to decide that it was time for them to get back to normal life which included taking care of their relationship. Jo felt like she was just entering the moment, she had been waiting for the last two weeks. She could feel the butterflies fly crazy circles in her stomach just because he hadn't pulled away yet. She could feel her heartbeat and got goose bumps when he opened his eyes back up and gave her an intense look. She gave him the tiniest smile and licked her lips before she bit down on her bottom one. The longer they sat there, looking at each other, the more she noticed how her breathing had become very fast. _Oh Alex, come on, nothing's wrong with kissing me. I know you feel like this is wrong, but it's not. _

That very moment he closed his eyes again. He could read her face, he knew she wanted him to make a move, he wasn't stupid. He had known it from the beginning, she had sought him out for comfort and touches and she had shown him that she wanted him to kiss her and hold her and be close. He just couldn't get over the feeling of mistreating her. Of the fact that this could go so terribly wrong. He didn't wanna do anything wrong. Of course he knew what she was doing. Of course he knew what she asked from him. And he was nearing the end of denying it to her. Alex opened his eyes and slowly reached his second arm behind her and pulled her whole body closer, turning around to face her.

She smiled slightly before he bent down to kiss her. She leaned her whole body into the kiss, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, freeing her legs from underneath the blanket and moving closer to sit on top of him, intertwining her legs behind his back. Their bodies were flush against each other from the groin up to their faces. The kiss was soft and slow and intense, Alex put so much passion into it, Jo felt like he was reaching down her soul, her guts started to make knots in her stomach. She could feel his strong arms around her, holding her in a tight embrace, his heart thumping loudly against her chest, she could smell his unmistakable scent that made him the man she knew and loved. He started stroking her back which made her go wild. There wasn't anything in her life that moment that she wanted more than get closer to him, get more of him. Their tongues were moving on their own accord and her hands got caught up in his hair, touching him, telling him how much she wanted him. She moaned quietly into his mouth, letting her arms slide down to his chest and further but she knew there was no further. Alex had realized what she was doing and loosened his embrace to stop her hands from going there, still kissing her deeply. When she slackened her hands, he brought one of his to her back and one up to her face, tucking her hair out of her face, still not breaking the kiss that they had both been needing for a very, very long time. After a while, Jo could feel how Alex was trying to pull back slightly, and she grudgingly let go of his lips, opening her eyes and looking him straight into his.

"Don't give me that look," he whispered, stroking her back lovingly.

"What look?" she asked quietly.

"The one that you have been giving me since you woke up," he said, sighing deeply.

"And which one is that?"

"The one where you try to be cross with me because I don't treat you like my wife but like a friend," he said. She just looked at him, trying to read his face, but he just looked tired and she wasn't entirely sure if it was due to spending all his days in the OR.

"So you have not been ignoring me?" she asked. He sighed, smilingly, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"Jo," he began, trying to find the right words. "I'm really trying," he said. She nodded, looking at him sincerely.

"I know that, trust me," she said, her hands stroking his face and hair.

"But for right now, I think it's best if we just…," he started but Jo just shook her head and silenced him with a peck on his lips.

"Don't, please," she said pleadingly. "Let's not ruin this," she whispered. They looked at each other for another minute before Jo bent down one more time and kissed him, longingly. He reciprocated but she knew the moment was over. He shifted them slightly, as if he was trying to lie her down, so he was on top, only that he put her down and then broke the kiss to get up. He kneeled down besides her bed so that he could look her in the eye, take her hand and kiss it.

"Not tonight, alright," he whispered and she closed her eyes and sighed.

He knew she was mad and didn't know what to do or say either. But this was not the right time. They had so much to talk about. They had so much to relive. There was no way he was going there tonight. Especially in this hospital room. When she didn't reply anymore, he got up and got ready to leave. He bent down one more time to kiss her temple- she had turned around to face away from him, trying to hide tears. He walked out and closed the door behind him softly, taking a minute before starting to walk towards the exit. _What a day._


	9. Chapter 9

Jo sat on Mina's couch, waiting. It was 2.24 and neither Mina nor Alex had shown up. Her legs were trembling up and down and she checked her watch every half minute. _He wasn't gonna come. _Being all alone in that big spa-like room made her feel anxious. It was her last day at the hospital. And as much as she couldn't wait to go home, she was scared of doing it alone. She was scared of having lost Alex over a silly struggle to make him realize she loved and needed him. She got too emotional the night before and now she was scared he was never going to touch her again. But when he held her in that tight embrace, the way he kissed her, the way he had pulled her so close, she couldn't think anymore. All she wanted was go home with him and continue what they had started in that hospital bed. It felt so good, so right, she just wanted to touch him and be touched by him. Rationally, she knew what he was afraid of and she totally understood, but she couldn't understand, once he held her or pushed her away. It hurt. It felt like a rejection. It felt like she loved somebody who didn't love her. Which was absolute bullshit and she knew that. Still. Heart and mind didn't always discuss which output they gave the person carrying them around. She looked down at her watch. 2.27. This was not gonna happen. _Crap._

That moment the door opened and she looked up in hope for Alex but was disappointed immediately, when she saw Mina coming in. The therapist smiled at her brightly. She returned the gesture without much joy.

"Hey Jo, what's going on? You should look a lot happier now that you've finally reached your last day here!" she sat down opposite of her and looked at her patient curiously.

"Yeah, I'm excited," Jo just exclaimed, not really being genuine.

"What's wrong?"

Jo sighed. "I talked to Alex yesterday and I really thought he was going to come sit in today," she said without much intonation. "I really wanted him to be here today," she added.

"Did he tell you he was not going to come?"

Jo shrugged. "I haven't talked to him since yesterday," she admitted.

"Well, then, maybe he's just running late," Mina said rationally. "What would you like to talk about today?"

Jo looked down at her watch. 2.39. He wasn't coming. She might as well go ahead and ask Mina about what she had talked to Stephanie the other day. She just wasn't sure about it. Jo didn't wanna talk to Mina, or anyone for that matter, about her relationship with Alex. That was private. It was a private matter. But she really didn't know what to do anymore. Jo counterbalanced the two options.

"I'd like to talk about Alex," she decided eventually. Mina nodded.

"Anything in particular that you are having problems with?"

"Well. I'm not sure. I've been trying to… I mean… trying…," Jo let out a long breath. "I'm not sure I even wanna talk about it," she voiced truthfully. Mina nodded again.

"How about you describe a situation for me from the last weeks which wasn't going like what you had wanted it to?"

Jo nodded and thought about that. Alright. Where to begin?

"Since we've established the whole family thing, I have been going down to daycare to visit with the kids every day. Not that I mind, I really love seeing them play in their natural environment, you know. It's just what we actually talked about in the beginning was him coming to visit with both of them every now and then – to spend some time together. You know, all of us," she tried to explain. Mina sat and listened.

"Well, after I met them initially he only brought them back once and then never again. So I started going down to daycare and asked if everything was okay. They were nice and all but nobody could tell me what or if anything was going on. Since I know him well and I am pretty much able to read his face, he seemed really awkward about bringing the kids in. Why? I guess because they are a living symbol of us having slept together before," she tried to explain to Mina and looked for a reassuring facial expression.

"So, you are saying, he doesn't want you to think you had sexual relations before?"

"No, I don't think so. I mean, that would be stupid. I just think he really, really wants me to 'find myself' again and he doesn't want me to feel pushed into something I don't want. I once voiced how weird it is to know about all these things I supposedly did but can't remember towards him, which creeps me out now and again – not anymore so much but in the beginning, that feeling was very prominent. Now _that_ makes me believe that he thinks the fact that we are married and obviously sexually active might have been too much to 'bear' for me – at least, that's what I've been thinking about because I don't know any other reason why he would believe I can't handle the fact that we are a couple. And the thing is, some facts can just be ignored but the fact that we have kids together, can't. So, I kinda think that's where it's coming from," Jo said, growing a little quieter.

"How are _you_ doing with that fact?"

Jo looked at Mina incredulously. "Are you asking me how am I doing with knowing that we have slept together before even though I can't remember?" Mina nodded. Jo looked at her, not knowing what the hell to answer. As much as therapy has helped Jo, she slowly but surely also got irritated with it.

"Why would you ask me that?"

Mina smiled. "Well, you just voiced that you were having trouble believing or at least digesting what all had happened during those years. And as we have discussed, your relationship with Alex – at least your romantic relationship with Alex – started up _after _the cut of your memory loss," Mina explained completely oblivious to the fact that Jo was fighting with the urge to just walk out on her. When Jo didn't reply, Mina raised her eyebrows in expectation. After a while, the therapist sighed.

"Is that something you are not ready to answer?"

Jo frowned, again in an irritated fashion. "No, no, of course not. I just don't know what to tell you. I'm… I feel like we have talked about this before," at this Jo gestured wildly in between the two women, "and this is really not about what_ I_ feel or think but what _he_ feels…and how he acts…," she stated seemingly on edge.

"Have you ever asked him about it?"

Jo shook her head in embarrassment.

"So, there is a chance that this might all be just due to the fact that your husband is a surgeon and he didn't find the time to bring your kids in to see you?" Mina looked at Jo expectantly.

"Hm… I actually don't believe that. I know my story sounds made up of thin air but I know him. And it's not only the fact that he won't bring them in but when we are in company he won't even talk about them. I mean he will, just… really, really awkwardly. And trust me with one thing, Alex is not an awkward person." She sighed.

"Okay," Mina told her.

"So, you believe me?" Jo asked hopefully.

"Jo, this is not about believing you. It doesn't matter anyways because no matter if this turns out to be true or something of your imagination, you care about it and you feel like this is a problem. So that's something we need to solve. Do you have an idea how?"

Jo looked at her sideways, mockingly bored. "Talk to him?" Mina chuckled.

"You got it," she said.

"Well, it's not only that though, I mean…," Jo just wanted to start one of her other examples when the door swung open and Alex came sprinting in, his breaths coming fast. Mina smiled at him and Jo was shocked.

"I am so, so sorry, I tried to get out of the consult but they made me stay until the end," he apologized, looking at Jo intensely. She just nodded and smiled quickly before looking at her watch. 2.54. _He came. _He walked around the couches and coffee table and got himself a coffee from the machine, before sitting down next to Jo and kissing her cheek and then turning his attention to Mina.

"We were actually just talking about you," Mina told him without hesitation which made Jo look at her in horror. _Why the hell would she tell him that?_ Alex looked at Jo expectantly but saw the eyes she was giving Mina.

"And I guess you don't want to talk about it right now," he said, Jo blushing. She shook her head and pulled her knees up on the couch.

"I'd rather talk to you about it in private," she said quietly, keeping her head down. Alex, who seemed completely chill that day, put a comforting arm around her and smiled.

"It's okay, Jo, we'll talk about it at home, alright?" She nodded and smiled at him thankfully, still pissed about Mina ratting her out.

"I actually have something I wanted to talk about before they discharge you," he said, directing it both to Mina and Jo. Jo looked at him in surprise and something that looked like fear to him. He squeezed her back before pulling his arm back to shift to a position in which he could comfortably talk to Jo but also the therapist.

"Go ahead," Mina encouraged him.

"Well, I have been trying to voice this since the very beginning, I think we even talked about it in our first session here. And I have been noticing it a lot over the last couple of weeks and now that we are about to head home together I really need to talk about this," he started, looking down at his hands before changing the direction to look at the therapist.

"I have been really scared about Jo not grieving properly for having lost her memory," he said, risking a look at Jo who seemed to be completely puzzled. He turned back to Mina. "What I mean with that is, she woke up and she didn't even have time to digest all that because she just got pumped with information and all she did the last 2 weeks was try to cope with that information but she never once put her head down and said, not now, I don't wanna hear it. She didn't once talk about how she was feeling, how this all is really difficult and hard and you know… she never once cracked… if you know what I mean," he looked at Mina helplessly.

"What are you talking about?" Jo asked him completely baffled. "I did crack. Remember the time when they told us we were pregnant?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "That is not what I'm talking about at all," he said.

"You are talking about the feeling of everything's too much and desperation because this is not the life I know, this is not the life I have chosen for myself – at least in my mind? Yeah, Alex, that back then when they told me I was pregnant, was me cracking," she told him angrily.

"You cried for a bit," he said.

"Yeah, and then you made me feel better," she added.

"You didn't crack, though," he said.

"I would have if you hadn't helped me with it," she replied. Alex just looked at her. Then he shook his head.

"Jo, you lost 6 years of your life in memories and you are telling me all you did to cope with it is cry once?"

Jo looked at him half unbelievingly, half patronizingly. "Alex, I have been crying my eyes out the last two weeks," she said sharply. "Do you want me to cry some more?" she asked sarcastically. Alex looked like he wanted to kill her for being like that.

"You know that's not what I'm talking about. I don't want you to cry, of course I don't want you to be hurting, I just… I just really think you are whitewashing the whole thing… you are denying yourself the grief about everything that's happened," he said earnestly.

"Alex, I have been trying to cope actively with the situation. I'm having nightmares every night. Nightmares that I can't escape and when I wake up from them I constantly have to decide if I just woke up _from_ the nightmare or _to_ the nightmare. I walk up here three freaking times a week and spend a lot of time talking and screaming and crying up here. You'd know if you had come up here every once in a while. I have been talking to lots and lots of people. Friends, colleagues, people I have no clue who they are but apparently I know them. I have been trying to remember. I have been looking at photos, I have been watching videos, I have been reading, I have done so many things to try to recollect my memory, to try to escape from this situation that is freaking creeping me out. Of course I'm not happy with it. Of course I wanna go back to my old life. Whatever that is. But when I think about my _old life _I get scared too, because what is my old life? Is it the one that I thought I just got out of? A boyfriend, that had hit me, a best friend, that I wasn't talking to, interns, I only liked every other day, an apartment that I didn't have anymore because I had moved in with the boyfriend – that hit me," Jo half yelled at Alex completely agitated. "Or is my _old life_ the one that I have forgotten. And should I even be wishing for my memory to come back? Of course I wish my memory would come back but honestly, I don't even know what I'm coming back to. I don't know if all you and everybody is telling me is true. I don't know if I even like my life. Of course, if I keep thinking rationally, I must love my life and so many different people told me the exact same story, so it must be true, but really? The story everyone tells me is just too perfect. That can't be my life. How in the world am I supposed to believe it? So yeah, my life is a nightmare. And you were the only freaking person who could relieve this whole nightmare because I trust you and you make me feel like I'm safe and everything will be alright, when I'm with you I feel like I don't need any one of those 'old lives' because I can have a life – with you. But you know what you do? You pull away and you make me beg for your attention and you make me beg for some comfort and you make me feel like crap because you don't seem to want me at all. But what you don't get is that you are the most important part of my recovery. Don't you get it?"

Alex stared at her for a minute before trying to voice what he was thinking.

"Jo, I'm sorry. Of course you are coping, I know that. I shouldn't have said that. I know everything's crap and I really wish I could help you with that, but I just can't and it drives me crazy. But I can't give you what you have been asking from me because you are not asking for comfort and you know that," he said, looking at her piercingly.

"Of course I'm asking for comfort, what the hell?"

"Really?" he questioned, raising his eyebrows. He could see how angry Jo had gotten. Maybe that was what she had needed all along. Get angry at someone or something or at the situation.

"Alright, alright. I wasn't looking for comfort yesterday. I wasn't. And you know it. But I'm looking for comfort more times than not. You pull away because you are scared to touch me or kiss me or goodness gracious, sleep with me, and you don't even realize that sometimes all I'm looking for is someone to lean on. No, let me correct that, not someone. You. I need _you_ to lean on. And I know this is a terrible thing to ask for because I put all my faith and my trust in you and you need to cope with that," Jo started tearing up when Alex interrupted her.

"No, Jo, stop it, you know that's not how it is. I need you just as much and at another time you support me more than you might think so stop with the 'it's unfair for Alex to be held responsible for you'. I wanna be there for you. I just… Jo, you need to understand that I cannot act like nothing's happened. Everything's happened and I…" he said, trying to articulate his fears.

"No, Alex, now you stop it. I know how much has happened. I know better than anyone else. And I realize that it is just as bad for you. Sometimes I think it's even worse for you. I know that, believe me, I do. I just. I really can't do this without you. Don't you see? I need you to be my husband right now. Because even though I have no recollection of that, I doubt that this means something I can't handle. I can't remember what made me decide to marry you. I can't. But if I was to marry you right now, one of the things I would definitely take into consideration is the fact that you are my very best friend. And this is a large part of being in a relationship. Being a friend to someone. And I need you to be my friend. And then there's love, and I really… I've been trying to tell you that I…," she started.

"Do you feel like I have not been giving you all these things? Friendship and love? If that is what you are saying, I really have failed," Alex gulped.

"No, no, Alex, no, that's not what I'm saying. I just wanted to make you see that being my husband doesn't necessarily mean that you gotta have sex with me," she said, matter-of-factly. Alex stared at her. "I need you to be my husband, because I can't do this without you. And yes, I have been trying to get closer to you, I have been trying to kiss you," she said, trying to not lose eye contact. "But I didn't do that because I feel like that's what a wife is supposed to do. I need you to understand that. That's not why I seek you out. It's because this is what I feel. I feel like kissing you."

The room got very quiet. Jo and Alex kept staring at each other, not quite knowing if anyone of them had made their point.

"I'm glad you didn't go into neurosurgery," Jo added after a while. Alex frowned and shook his head questioningly. She smiled. "It's not a decision we make when we kiss someone else. You see someone and then you need to kiss that person. Because that's what it is when you love someone," she said, slowly. Alex looked down, swallowing hard.

"Jo," he tried to start again. She put her hand on top of his which made him look up. "I know you lost your memory. You do not need to act like you are my wife. We will pull though this and I will be just fine, you don't need to feel sorry for me. And once we get your memory back, we can talk about everything else," he said.

"For god's sake," Jo shouted at him. "I AM NOT ACTING LIKE I AM YOUR WIFE," she yelled, completely losing control over her temper because he just didn't seem to get it. "I want you, Alex, I want _you. _It has nothing to do with our marriage because as we have established that by now, I can't remember our marriage. It has to do with the fact that I have been growing since then. You know, nobody ever realizes that but even though I lost my memory, I didn't lose my life. Since the accident I have kept on living and we have been keeping up our relationship. And my feelings have not stopped to work since then. So, no, I'm not pretending to be your wife. I am trying to tell you that I love you all the same," she said. Alex breathed in sharply and frowned. He didn't say anything. She didn't say anything. They just stared at each other. After a while, Jo cleared her throat.

"I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, Alex. I'm not. And I realize that you try so hard to help me out of this horrible situation and make the best of it. And I realize what your fears are, I really do. I just need you to see that I have current feelings too. Not only feelings that I had before the stretch of the six years or feelings that I have forgotten. I have feelings right now, right here. And in taking yourself back the way you have been, restraining yourself and not coming near me, you took a lot from me, too. You are the only person who can comfort me and calm me down and make me feel like everything's going to be okay. I'm going to say this again and again. You are the only person in the whole wide world who makes me feel like I'm the most important person in their lives which sounds super narcissistic I know but this is really important to me because I need to be involved in other people's lives as well, I have days when I feel like if I had died, nobody would have noticed because everything seems to be just fine, even though I'm strapped to a hospital bed," at this Alex wanted to intercept but she wouldn't let him. "In restraining yourself, you made it pretty clear that you don't need me. Whereas I need you so much," she sighed. There was a short pause.

"Guys, you have been communicating fantastically to each other today. Please, don't ever stop that communication. I see you have had a rough patch already, and why was that? Because you hadn't been voicing your feelings like I have asked you, right? So, especially in the light of going home tomorrow, I need to remember you, please don't forget to voice your thoughts and feelings to each other. As we can see, there are lots of them. I'm so sorry to end this right here, I feel like there would have been a lot more but I have other clients waiting for me. Jo, I hope you have a great welcome back at your house and remember the things we talked about the last couple of times. I would really appreciate it if you both come see me again once a week from now on," she said, smiling brightly. She got up and looked at the couple expectantly. They both looked like somebody had just slapped them. They got up quickly and shook hands with a still beaming Mina, and walked out. They had just literally been dismissed.

None of them talked. They were still completely engrossed in what they had been talking about before being interrupted so rudely. Alex walked towards the elevators and Jo followed him swiftly, reaching for his hand to hold. He took it and squeezed it lightly. When the elevator came, they walked in and the doors closed, leaving them all alone. Alex looked over at Jo who seemed slightly nervous. He reached over and pulled her close, embracing her in a tight hug. She reciprocated the sentiment and held on to him tightly. They stayed like that for a few seconds.

"I do need you," Alex whispered quietly before parting with her. She looked at his eyes, seeing the sincerity of his exclamation. She squeezed his hand again and gave him the tiniest smile. The elevator dinged and the doors opened for them to step out. They walked towards Jo's room without talking and entered, seeing Elliott and Jackson waiting inside.

"There you are," Jackson called out, half relieved, half mad.

"What's going on?" Alex asked, while he held the door open for Jo to enter and closed it behind them.

"I have been paging you," he said. "Kayla's parents really want to talk to you before the surgery tonight," he sighed. "And I wanted to go over the treatment plan with you."

Alex looked down at his pager and saw the page. He turned around to look at Jo. "Did you hear it beep?" he asked her, frowning. She shook her head, turning back to Jackson.

"We were at the therapist's," she told him. He looked at her apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Jo, I didn't even think that far," he said.

"It's fine, really," she smiled at him. Alex looked at his watch.

"I'll come fetch you in the conference room in like half an hour, okay?" he directed towards Jackson. He nodded, and gave Jo a quick hug before walking out. She sat down at the edge of her bed and looked passed Alex expectantly. Alex frowned."What is it?"

"Elliot, can I help you with something?" she asked in a very friendly voice. Alex startled. He had completely forgotten that somebody else was still in the room. He looked at him, frowning. Elliot looked slightly uncomfortable and nervous, which made talking hard."What's going on, Elliot?" Jo said, concern lacing her voice.

"Nothing," he said quietly. "I'll come back later when you have some time," he said, quickly getting out of the room, banging the door behind him. Alex turned around to look at Jo questioningly; she just shrugged, mouthing 'no idea'.

"You should go," she said, pointing at the door. "Jackson seemed like it was really important for you to come," she explained her thoughts. Alex shook his head and stepped closer to Jo who was still sitting at the edge of the bed. He reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and kept his hand there. She looked up at him.

"Jo, I'm so sorry. I should have been here for you more. Asked about your feelings and you know, talked more. I'm sorry. I really am. I've been trying so hard to make this easy for you. And as it seems everything I've done was complete BS."

Jo smiled and shook her head. "It's okay. It's not that easy, I know that. I probably haven't been voicing my concerns and thoughts very clearly either. But, Alex, please. It's not easy that I want. I know it's not going to be easy. It's _you_ that I want."

They looked at each other for a while. "Jo, I… I didn't even realize that I was going in the exact opposite direction of where I should have gone. So, please, let me make one thing very clear," Alex hesitated, Jo waiting patiently. "I… will try to say this just the way I would have said it if you were still remembering me, okay?" Jo nodded expectantly. "I just, it's really hard to tell someone what you feel if you know for the other person it hasn't been said…I feel like I'm 12 years old again and about to tell a girl I have a crush on her," Alex explained himself, Jo frowning slightly, taking his hand.

"Jo, you are the love of my life. The moment when I first told you that I loved you and you actually smiled and reciprocated that feeling was the best moment of my entire life. I can't remember ever being that happy. It didn't matter if that new 'relationship' was going to be a short fling or long-lasting, I had told you and you had accepted it. We have been together for so many years now and nothing has changed between us except for our legal status and some more responsibilities coming with the kids. If something has changed, it has only gotten stronger or more pronounced. I want you so much. Every day. I need you so much. All the time. I can't imagine a life without you. When they told me you had been in an accident, my whole world broke into pieces. I… I don't… I can't think of… I mean… god, Jo, I love you. I will always love you. I'd do anything for you. I just need you to not think about us right now but think about you first. Please. Of course I want us to… you know… get back on track. But for that I need you to be more than okay first. I need you to feel safe and good about yourself and about our house and kids and life and… well… me. Then we can talk about us. I do need you. I do want you. But I love you too much for me to let anything happen to you or make a mistake in going at this the wrong way."

"Are you done?"

Alex nodded.

"I. Love. You." Jo just said. She got up and kissed him, not waiting for a move, not waiting for permission or acceptance. Alex wrapped his arms around her and picked her up. Jo fixed her arms around his neck and lost herself in the kiss. She couldn't describe what she felt when he was kissing her. She had never felt anything like it before. The kiss was full of love and regret and want and need and passion. They both gave their whole being into that kiss. They both didn't know how long they stood there but after a while, they broke to touch their foreheads together and rest a bit. After that, Alex slowly let her loose and Jo slid down to touch her feet back to the ground. Their bodies reacted to each other and it didn't stay unnoticed, although neither of them mentioned it. Jo looked at Alex expectantly, still being held in his arms.

"Please don't ever withdraw from me like that again," she said, pronouncing every word. He nodded. "Let's conquer this together, alright?" she said, standing on her toes and pecking his lips one more time. He nodded again. Slowly they parted and he told her his good-byes for he had to go do his consult. Jo lay down on her bed. She was exhausted. Nothing exhausted her more than fighting with Alex. She needed them to understand each other. Be with each other. She hoped with all her heart that they would work better from now on.


	10. Chapter 10

When Jo woke, she was slightly dizzy and confused. It was still broad daylight outside and she was still lying in a hospital bed. Something had changed though. She sat up, rubbing her eyes, trying to put her finger on what it was. She felt… not quite right. _What the hell was going on?_ She tried to make out what happened before she fell asleep. Yeah, she had been in therapy. With Alex. They had had a fight. Yes, they had had a fight. She felt bad because of the fight. Was that it? But why in the world did she feel like that… she felt like… something was wrong. She wanted to talk to Alex. Or Shepherd. Or someone else. She couldn't pick. Jo searched for her phone and tried to ring Alex. Voicemail. She typed a message really fast to let him know she was looking for him.

_J: Alex, I need to talk to you. Something weird happened. I can't really figure out what it is. Call me, please_

She put her phone down and got up and went to the bathroom to freshen up. Even after the quick wash she felt like… like… something had…_moved. _Jo frowned at herself in the mirror. _What the hell was that supposed to mean? _She put on a wool jacket because even though it was warm and cosy inside the hospital, she was freezing, and walked outside to the nurses' station, only to be greeted by Elliot, again.

"Hey, where are you going?" he asked suspiciously.

"I'm gonna go find Alex," she said, absent-mindedly.

"As far as I know he's still in surgery," Elliot hesitated, looking at her insecurely. "Won't take long, though, they just had to do an emergency appendectomy on a 3 year old," he replied.

"Oh, ok, I'll go see the twins, then," she said, already walking towards the elevators, still deeply in thought.

"Do you wanna have coffee with me? I could use a break and we could go out in the park or something," Elliot called after her, seemingly nervous.

"I'm not sure I'm up for walking right now. Thanks, though, you're sweet. I'll take a rain check," she answered, determined to reach the elevators before the nurse could latch himself onto her. Even though they never talked much, before her accident or after, he was slowly but surely annoying her. Elliot looked after her a little disappointed. She went down to daycare and only found Maddie up while Ethan was taking his nap.

"Hey baby girl," she said, smiling at her beautiful daughter. Maddie laughed hysterically and crawled over to her mom. She took her in her arms and hugged her tightly before letting her down and playing with her. Jo's head was buzzing. Something was definitely wrong. She could feel how something wasn't quite right or maybe just different from before she took her nap. Half an hour later, she said her good-byes and took the elevator upstairs again. She decided to swing by the attendings' lounge to see if Alex had made it out yet.

"Hey there, stranger," Dr. Grey greeted her smiling brightly. She was sitting on the couch, having a coffee and reading up on some research. "Come on in, do you want some coffee?" Jo smiled.

"Yeah, definitely," she said, pouring herself some and walking over to where Meredith was sitting and plopped down.

"How are you doing?" the elder asked. Jo sighed.

"Fine. I just went to visit with Maddie. Ethan's asleep." Meredith smiled.

"Were you looking for Alex?"

"Well, yes, but I know he's probably still finishing up his appendectomy, I just thought I might come and see if he made it out already."

"Yeah, he should be done by now. Are you excited to go home tomorrow?"

Jo nodded enthusiastically. "I know I should enjoy it more but being here on a 24/7 basis is only fun when you get to scrub in every once in a while," she chuckled. "And I don't feel like I am sick enough to stay in bed all day." Meredith nodded. They both looked towards the door when it swung open.

"Hey," Shepherd came in, beaming at both women. "This is a surprise," he said, bending down to kiss his wife and then going over to hug Jo. "Are you bored out of your mind already?"

"Oh yeah, you wouldn't believe it," Jo admitted. "Hey, can I ask you something?" she said, a little more serious that time. Shepherd sat down besides his wife, looking at her in concern.

"Yeah, go ahead," he encouraged her.

"I don't know how to describe it really, but I just woke up from a nap an hour ago or so, and I feel really weird. I was really dizzy when I woke up, which is nothing too odd after having slept deeply but then I was really confused and I don't really know why. I tried to remember what I did before the nap and everything's clear as day, really, I just felt like something's wrong. My head has been buzzing since then and something tells me I… I don't know… could it be that I remember something? I mean, I don't seem to remember any situation or something from my past… I just… Alex and I had a fight earlier today and then before I took a nap we talked some more about it and now afterwards I feel a little like… this has happened before. You know what I mean? I kinda feel like this is not the first time I feel this way… Am I making any sense?"

Shepherd and Grey had been following her story closely, and Shepherd got really excited. "No, Jo, that's good, that's really good! Your memories are not limited to episodes like a situation or a story you can tell, sometimes you only remember images or smells or, like you said, feelings. That is absolutely great, Jo! This means that there's a really high chance that this will only be temporary!"

"But I can't even put my finger on what it is, you see? I mean… I have this weird feeling that I can't even place… a feeling of… like we fought about the exact same thing before. Which is complete rubbish because we kinda fought about something related to the memory loss…," she said.

Shepherd studied Jo's face closely. "Hm… well it's possible that you might have fought about something similar before or not even that, maybe it was similar in how you guys parted or some words you said or something like that. It's not necessarily the content of the fight that made you remember," he said. Jo thought about that for a minute.

"You guys are okay, right?" Dr. Grey chimed in. Jo looked over at her in surprise.

"Oh, yeah, sure, of course. Everything's okay, now. Well, at least I hope so," she said, giving Meredith a small smile.

"Would you mind terribly if we did another MRI? It may tell us something more, now something has changed." Jo nodded. "Yeah, sure, I have time," she chuckled. That moment, Alex walked in, talking to Robbins vividly not noticing the people sitting on the couch.

"I'm just saying, it worked out with Oliver back then, why wouldn't it work out now? I mean, I'm happy to go find more sponsors but you know…he's right here," he chuckled, pouring himself some coffee.

"Yeah, but we can't just ask him for money all the time. And besides, how much money can he spend?" Arizona looked at him unconvinced.

"Trust me," Alex said with a wide grin. "He has the money," he nodded dramatically and turned around to look at his colleague in anticipation for a reply but saw Jo first and startled. "Hey," he said, walking closer. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I was waiting for you to finish your surgery," she smiled at him. "Don't let me interrupt you, though, you sounded like you had a point to prove," she winked at Arizona who smiled and walked closer as well. He looked at her questioningly before sitting down next to her, stretching his arms from surgery before putting an arm around her shoulder and pulling her closer to kiss her.

"What's up?"

"Well," Jo began teasingly slow. "Don't get too excited but I just told Dr. Shepherd, I might have remembered something." Alex choked on the sip of coffee he just made and looked at her with big eyes.

"You remember something?" he asked, excitement shimmering in his eyes.

"No, Alex," she looked at him pleadingly but not being able to contain a wide grin herself even though she knew there was a high chance this was only a fluke, "I said don't get excited! It's not really anything. I just woke up an hour ago and I felt really weird and I kinda feel like I remember the feeling I had after our fight today," she explained, making Alex blush a little with Jo being the only one noticing.

"What do you mean? I mean, what does that mean?" He looked in between Jo and Shepherd. Shepherd shrugged.

"We don't know yet. I already ordered another MRI," he pointed at his phone. "Maybe we can see something. Not likely but we'll try. It just means if she really does remember a feeling, the chances are extremely high that this is only temporary," he told him. Alex looked back at Jo, beaming. She smiled back at him, touching his cheek with her fingers.

"I said, don't get too excited," she tried to tame him. He chuckled.

"_This," _he made a point stressing that word, "is something to get excited about," he said, pulling her close, to kiss her temple, Jo leaning into him in complete relaxation. They kept chatting for a while longer until Shepherd told her when to be down at the MRI and Alex brought Jo back to her room after arranging another time for Arizona and him to continue their conversation.

"I knew you could do it," he said, looking at her with loving eyes. She smiled.

"Alex, please, don't put all your hopes on this…_feeling_. I don't even know what I remember. I just feel like there is something that wasn't there before."

"Well, and that's only the beginning. Let me be happy about it. If there's a chance of you coming back to me, I will be as happy about it as I can," he said, hugging her tightly.

"Yeah I know. But also, if I won't come back you will be desperate. And I don't want that," she said.

"Yeah, but that's fine too. I told you. I'm gonna make you fall in love with me again. It's fine. Not that hard." He winked at her. She laughed.

"Yeah, because you are soooo irresistible," she said. He nodded. She laughed again. Everything was so easy. "Yeah, you really are," she said, looking at his eyes deeply.

"Jo," he said, warningly.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"I know we talked about it yesterday. It doesn't mean I changed my mind." Alex scolded her. She took a step back.

"Yeah, I was afraid you didn't." She sat down on the bed. "So, why do you think I remember something after fighting with you?" Alex raised his eyebrows and grinned.

"Because we fight a whole lot?" he said, questioningly.

"We do?"

"Yeah. All the time," he said, trying to be honest.

"So, I thought you said we are great at being married?"

"We are," he said.

"Doesn't sound like it so much anymore,"

"We fight a lot. But we also make up a lot. This is the only way it works. We are both stubborn and opinionated and honest. We tell each other everything. There's a lot to fight about. Or let's say discuss. We discuss a lot. It's not always fighting. But it's not as bad as it sounds. We need that. To remind us how grateful we are to be with each other. And to tease," he said, winking at her again.

"So, you're saying, we bicker a lot. But do we fight about us – I mean our marriage or relationship – too?"

"Yeah, sometimes," he replied truthfully.

"But these are bigger fights? Fights that continue for longer than 20 minutes?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said, not knowing where she was going.

"So, when we fight about something concerning us, is that really, really bad for our relationship? I mean, did we ever break up?"

"No," Alex said, shaking his head.

"So, we never broke up but were we ever close?"

"No," Alex repeated, still shaking his head.

"But if we fight that much how come we are still that happy with each other?"

"Because we love each other," he said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but is it worth it?"

"Every second, yes," he said.

"So, is it really intense when we have a fight?"

"Yes," Alex said, sighing.

"And we don't really like to fight because we'd rather be with each other, right?"

"Well, of course. Does anybody like to fight?" Alex looked at her questioningly. Jo took a second to digest.

"I think that's the feeling I'm trying to describe. When I woke up I felt really tired and exhausted and… like I didn't wanna fight with you even though I really wanted to fight with you because I wanted you to understand but what I wanted to even more was not fight with you. Do you know what I mean?"

"I can imagine. You tell me that a lot. Nothing is more exhausting than to fight with me. Because you love me and you don't wanna be fighting with me. But you don't wanna not fight either cause this is what ruins relationships. Not talk things out. That's what you tell me all the time," he contemplated. Jo smiled.

"Sounds like that's exactly what I felt today. Ahhh. I can't believe it," she squealed, jumping up and down. Alex laughed and pulled her into another hug.

"I knew you'd come back to me," he whispered into her ear. "It's not gonna be long from now," he said, Jo nodded and stayed right there, enjoying the strong arms engulfing her.

After a couple of minutes of swaying in each other's arms, Jo loosened her grip on him and looked back up at his still beaming face. She had to giggle. "You are so sweet, you know that," she commented on his reaction.

"Don't do that," he said, trying to pout.

"Do what?" she asked, frowning.

"Call me _sweet_ all the time," he said. Jo had to laugh.

"Awww but you _are _such a sweetheart," she replied, stretching the word extra long. He rolled his eyes at her. "So," Jo said, looking down at his shirt where she had put her hands and played with the rims of his white coat. "Tell me about our worst fight," she said, not sure how he was gonna react. He didn't. When she looked up at him, he had his eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face. She hadn't anticipated that reaction. "What?" she asked, quite a little offended.

"Why the _hell_ would I do that?" Alex laughed. Jo smiled.

"Because I asked you to?" she said giving him her innocent eyes.

"You do realize that you have been giving me these since day one and I am so over getting on my knees for you," he said, winking. Jo pushed her fist in the air, mockingly frustrated.

"Dangit," she warbled. He laughed but Jo got back to serious pretty fast. "I just… I really wanna know more about us… like… how do we work if we keep on fighting this much…," Jo said, hesitantly.

"I just told you," Alex said.

"Well, that's not what I mean. I wanna judge for myself. Why can't you just give me an example?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Alright," he said, immediately jumping into a story.

_Jo was sitting at the kitchen table, having a bowl of cereal while reading a letter that was propped up in front of her when Alex entered the room. She looked up swiftly before going back to her morning perusal. "What are you reading?" Alex inquired, getting himself some coffee and a pop tart. _

_"The invitation from the clinic in Malawi," Jo replied soberly. Alex turned round and gave her an irritated look._

_"Why are you going through my mail?" he asked, Jo hearing the mad in his voice._

_"Because," she said, defending herself actively. "You won't talk to me about it and I wanna know if I'm about to lose my boyfriend to cute little orphans or not," she grumbled at him. Alex turned back to get his breakfast out of the toaster. _

_"Well, you are not going to find the answer in there," he said. Jo groaned. _

_"Why won't you talk to me about it? I'm serious, Alex, this _does _concern both of us," she voiced exasperatedly, getting off her stool and walking around the kitchen island to stand next to him, looking at him pointedly. _

_"I haven't decided yet," he said truthfully. _

_"I'm not asking for a decision, Alex, I'm asking you to share your thoughts with me," she pointed out. Alex wrapped his pop tarts in a napkin and bent down to kiss Jo on her cheek._

_"Running late, gotta go," he called from halfway down to the front door, leaving Jo standing completely stunned for him running off like that._

"That was it. We fought a little more when I came back home," Alex concluded, looking at her expectantly. "So?"

"You were invited to go to Malawi?" Jo asked completely amazed.

"That's what you got from what I just told you? I thought you wanted to judge the fight," he said.

"Well, you didn't tell me the story of a fight, you told me the story of one of our morning chats. Don't think I'm stupid, I'm not. I may not remember but I know us. The story you told is… well, cute," Jo said, grinning at him. "But has nothing to do with the topic at hand," she completed her thought. Alex sighed, rubbing her arms up and down.

"Let's wait to start the heavy stuff until we're at home, alright?" he asked her turning to serious himself, his guard down completely. Jo looked at his defeated face.

"Promise?" she asked, not sure if he was leading her on again.

"Yes, Jo, I promise," he said before she pulled him tighter once more and pecked his lips.

"Thank you," she said quietly, before Alex was paged away again on an emergency.


	11. Chapter 11

The next day, Jo woke early. It was something with a 5 in the front but she didn't mind. She was excited! Going home day! She wanted everything to be perfect. She got up and treated herself to her own little spa in the very sparsely equipped hospital bathroom, however, she had made a list a while ago with one hundred things she had needed Alex to bring her from home and she was happy with those. When she was done she looked in the mirror and decided that this was going to be the day, she was going to start living again. She had almost gotten used to her short hair and unfamiliar clothing and put on just enough make up to make everyone look but nobody say anything. Just the way she liked it. She packed all her stuff, which by that time had accumulated around her. When she was done, it was almost half past seven. She opened the window all the way to let the beautiful November sun in which felt pretty warm on her skin. She stood there for a while to bask in the beauty of the morning until she heard a knock. "Come in," she called cheerfully.

"Good morning," Elliot came in beaming. She turned around and gave him a sparkling look. "Wow, Jo, you look extraordinarily beautiful today," he exclaimed, taking in her radiating looks.

"Well, thank you, Elliot," she came back, stepping closer.

"Are you excited to go home today?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"I can't wait for Alex and the babies to come get me," she said, laughing.

"I brought you coffee," Elliot said, grinning sheepishly.

"Well, thanks, Elliot, this day is getting better and better," she smiled at him genuinely and took a sip. "Mhhmm… nothing like the first sip of coffee on a beautiful morning like this," she said.

"Well, staff is going to miss you around here, you know," Elliot tried to make nice conversation. Jo chuckled.

"Are you saying you don't want me to be discharged?" She looked at him with twinkling eyes.

"No, no, of course, this is a big day for you," he said, trying to put his statement in the right light. "Just saying. You have become a very pleasant regular!"

Jo beamed at him widely. "Well, I am going to look forward to come back here to actually work," she said. "The hospital does get annoying if you look at it from the wrong side," she said. Elliot laughed.

"Depends on who you see all day," he said.

"Well, I'd rather see my kids' and husband's faces all day than just be another patient to you guys," she winked at him. Speaking of the devil, in that moment Alex stepped in with both babies fully awake and looking excited. Jo rushed over to him to relieve him of one half of the twins.

"Well, good morning, my loves," Jo exclaimed cheerfully, kissing Ethan all over the face. "I am so excited that you are here to come get me," she said, kissing Maddie on the cheek. The twins roared out in excitement. Alex chuckled.

"Alright, alright, calm down everybody, I'm only taking the sane ones home," he said, beaming at Jo, whose eyes were sparkling with delight. "You look beautiful today, Jo," he added, making her blush slightly with the look he gave her.

"Thank you," she breathed out before leaning over and kissing him. As always, Alex pulled back after a second. She rolled her eyes. "Well, are we gonna have fun today?" Jo turned back to her son squealing in anticipation. Alex laughed.

"Are you all packed?" he asked. She nodded.

"Yes, just waiting for the discharge papers," she said. He frowned.

"Have they been in already for rounds?"

"Nah, slow as always," she replied.

"Well, then, let's get settled, this could take a while," he said. He put his stuff down and looked at Elliot.

"Oh, I was just leaving," the nurse said and walked out. Alex frowned and looked at Jo who just shrugged her shoulders.

"Did I interrupt?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"We were just small talking," she answered, playing peek-a-boo with Ethan who laughed hysterically. "By the way, you never got around to telling me why you don't like him," she said, pretending to not be interested at all.

"I don't like anyone who wants to steal my wife from me," he said, shrugging his shoulders and laughing for Maddie was trying to give him a hickey. Jo seemed amused. A second later her face changed to an epiphany.

"Ahhh, this actually makes sense," she said, chuckling.

"What does?" Alex asked.

"He keeps asking me if we wanna have coffee together," she explained. Alex nodded, waiting for more. "And he gives me these weird long looks and always rushes out as soon as you come in here," she said.

"Really? And you couldn't figure that out by yourself?" Alex asked with raised eyebrows.

"To be frank, I have other things on my mind than cheating on my husband right now," she said, matter-of-factly. "And, apart from the fact that he is so not my type, I wouldn't need to anyway," she added.

"Uh-uh. Why's that?" Alex questioned her further.

"Because even though I can't remember doing it, I made a pretty darn good choice in marrying you," she said, beaming at him. He laughed.

"Let's just wait until we are home, you'll change your opinion pretty soon after having us all around 24/7."

Jo laughed. "No, believe me, I can't wait," she said. There was a long pause in conversation when they both just talked to their respective twin and the babbling of the kids.

"I know I shouldn't say that, Ms. Maddie, but you do carry a smell with you," Alex noted after a while. Jo laughed. He put her down on the bed and got the changing equipment out.

"Ohhh, it's so hot seeing you change a diaper," she said. He looked at her bemused.

"You are unbelievable, woman," he just said. She chuckled.

"So, how long has he been taken with me?" she asked, casually.

"Umm…," Alex said, focusing on getting his daughter cleaned up. "Forever, I'd say," he said, trying to make the little one stay still, screwing up his nose to show his distaste of what he was doing. Jo smiled, watching him.

"Are you seriously bothered by it?" she asked. Alex laughed and shook his head.

"No, not really. He's a fool. I don't believe that a guy like him has a shot with you," he said arrogantly. Jo smacked him. "Ouch," Alex yelped.

"You are almost too self-confident, Mister," she reminded him. He gave her a lopsided grin.

"Nah. I'm just saying. There's a whole lot of more serious competition out there for me. They line up for you wherever you go," he said.

"Well," Jo reasoned. "Good for you." Alex raised his eyebrows, closing up the new diaper on Maddie. "The way I see it, this only tells you one more time of how much I must love you," she said. He let out a long breath, finishing up Maddie's good looks.

"Yeah, it must," he whispered. Jo, who had noticed how fast their conversations went from happy and light to intimate and serious, tried to save the mood.

"I don't wanna imagine how many girls are lined up for you," she pondered. Alex turned around, pushing Maddie into Jo's free arm.

"Hold her for a second, will you," he just said, walking over to the bathroom, getting rid of the smelly diaper and washing up.

Jo looked at him piercingly, when he came back, still not having replied to her thought. He took Ethan out of her hands, kissing him.

"It's different with us boys, isn't it," he told his son.

"Why the hell is it any different with _boys?_" Jo stared him down questioningly.

"Because when we are married to girls like _you,_" he stressed the last part, "we can't even think of anyone else. We are just too taken with the girl at hand," he said.

"And that's something that doesn't apply for me?" she asked, looking amused. He shrugged.

"I wouldn't know," he said.

"You are an idiot," she just commented, shaking her head. That moment, Shepherd and Kepner came in.

"Well, someone looks like they are ready to leave any minute," Shepherd smiled at Jo. April squealed when seeing the twins and took Ethan out of Alex's hands and sat him on her pretty big baby belly.

"Hi there, handsome," she greeted him, smiling and waving to Maddie. Alex looked at Shepherd with his business face and put his hands on his hips.

"What did the MRI show?"

Shepherd shook his head. "Unfortunately, just as we thought, nothing. But that's okay. Even better, that's good. It may mean that nothing, nothing at all was damaged and the fact that nothing changed in your brain – visibly that is – even though you remember something just proves that," he said, mulling that thought over in his mind again. "Everything else came back normal, you look radiant today, by the way," he turned to Jo, "and you are good to go. I already brought your discharge papers, I thought you would be sitting on needles today," he smiled at her.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd," she said.

"And do me a favor," he asked her. "Stop calling me Dr. Shepherd. I know this must be weird for you. But it just sounds wrong," he chuckled. She smiled at him sheepishly, mouthing 'Sorry'.

April handed the baby back to Alex and smiled at Jo. "Freedom!" she exclaimed, laughing, and hugged her. "Take care of yourself though, we put all the stuff you'll need and the things you should be watching out for and take care of in the envelope. And please don't forget about the baby shower tomorrow," she winked at the other woman who looked surprised, but nodded quickly. They both waved at them and walked out. Jo looked over at Alex and sighed heavily.

"Yay!" she rejoiced quietly. He laughed.

"Let's get going, then," he said, looking over at all the stuff she had, raising an eyebrow. "God, I don't even know if all _that _will fit in the car," he said, looking at her pointedly. She gave him an innocent look and smiled. He closed his eyes and shook his head. "Why? Why, oh, why?" Jo laughed and took Ethan from him to let him shoulder all her bags. They walked over to the nurses' station to make their good-byes and left.

When they were walking towards the car, Alex unlocked it and opened the trunk while Jo was staring at the sports car big-eyed. "We drive our kids in that thing?" she asked, unbelievingly. Alex laughed.

"Actually, we're not," he said. Jo pretended to be relieved. "The 'family car' is totaled and I'm still waiting for the replacement," he said, putting Ethan into his car seat, Jo doing the same thing on the other side.

"Oh, yeah, ok, I kinda forgot about that," she said. "I'm sorry, I hope it wasn't an expensive car," she said, strapping the baby in and handing her a little squishy book she found in the middle seat.

"We have good insurance," he said, winking, "and also, I really don't care about the car. I'm just glad you all made it out okay," he said, finishing up Ethan's seating arrangement and sitting himself down in the driver's seat, looking at Jo. She smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah. Me too."

"Hey, speaking of which… do we have an agenda right now?" Alex shook his head, backing the car out of his parking spot. "So, would it be okay for you to drive by Ruth's?" He looked at her quickly.

"Yeah, sure, no problem, she'll be thrilled to see you. She's been asking about you constantly." He smiled.

"Does she know?" Jo asked, concern lacing her voice.

"She knows about the accident. She doesn't know about the amnesia though," he said, hesitating. "You can tell her if you want, I just didn't know how she would react. She's fragile, you know," he said.

"Of course," Jo immediately replied. "No, that's okay. I just want her to know that I'm fine," she said. Alex nodded. They made their way over to Ruth's house, Jo silently trying to remember anything from the route they took – since it supposedly was the exact same on which she got into the accident. Nothing. When they stopped at Ruth's house, they got out and Jo looked around.

"I have never been to Ruth's house before," she noted. "It's a beautiful spot," she said, looking out over the water.

"It's Curt and Angela's. She's living with them now. She needs care and couldn't live by herself anymore. She has gotten so old," he mused, taking out Ethan. Jo was frowning, and cursing slightly for she couldn't get the strap off of Maddie.

"Who's Curt and Angela?" she asked.

"Oh," Alex said, surprised. "I'm sorry. It's funny how I forget your amnesia while I tell you something because you have the amnesia. Does this make any sense?" he laughed. Jo smiled.

"It's okay. I try to forget all the time," she winked at him and walked over to stand with him waiting for the people who lived at the house to open the front door.

"I'm sorry, Jo, I didn't mean to rub it in your face," he said, looking at her sweetly.

"It's fine, Alex, now tell me before they…," she couldn't finish the sentence since a middle-aged woman had opened the door.

She saw them and cheered. "Oh, Jo, it is soo good to see you up and running," the lady called out giving her and Maddie a big hug. Jo reciprocated the sentiment and smiled. The lady, supposedly Angela, gave Alex a quick hug and ushered them in. "Oh, Ruth will be so delighted to see you," she said. "Go make yourselves comfortable in the living room, I'll go get her," she said cheerily. Alex ushered them into a room at the end of the hall and they steered towards the couch.

"Hey bud," Alex greeted a probably 14 year old who was looking like he was leaving for school.

"Hey," he said, bumping knuckles with Alex and grinning at Jo. "Good to see you up, Jo," he said, "gotta go, though, see you later," he jogged out of the room and shut the front door behind him loudly.

When they sat down on the couch, Alex caught a big frown on Jo's face. "Have I met those people before? Cause I can't remember that I have but I totally know their faces I just don't know where to put them," she tried to put the pieces together. Alex smiled.

"Yeah, you know them. Remember that 'cool tumor in a bag surgery' I let you scrub in on your intern year?" Jo listened to Alex closely, scrunching up her face. Two seconds later Alex watched her have the second epiphany of the day.

"Oh my God! Was that little Bobby Bran?!" Alex laughed out loud, nodding.

"Not so little anymore," he commented.

"What is he doing here? Why is Ruth with the Brans?"

"Actually, we found out a little while after we started dating, that Curt, Bob's dad is Ruth's nephew. We've been keeping in touch ever since. Ruth didn't have any kids so they were the closest relatives she had. That's why they took her in when we all started to worry about her health," he said. Jo couldn't believe it.

"Oh my goodness, this is just so weird," she said, laughing. Alex smiled.

"Yeah, it kinda is. We don't usually keep in touch with patients," he winked at her. She nodded. "But since you and Ruth had kinda hit it off from the start and you - cruel as you are - took me to meet her like two days after we started dating, we've become part of the big family," he winked at her.

Jo looked touched. "I can't believe it," she mused. "So they are pretty much my family now, is that what you are saying?" Alex nodded.

"Yes, pretty much," he said. "They didn't wanna upset you more that's why they didn't come to see you at the hospital," he explained.

"Oh, of course, no, that's totally fine," she said. They turned around when Angela came back in.

"Would you like some coffee? Ruth is just getting up, it'll be another ten minutes or so." They both nodded in agreement, and Angela bustled off to the kitchen. "How are you, Jo, honey?" she called over to the living room.

"I'm doing great," Jo replied happily. "I am so excited to be out of that hospital bed – to be honest," she laughed. Angela came back in with a basket of croissants.

"Oh I bet you are," she said, smiling happily, sitting down with them. "We were so worried when we heard," she said, looking at her in concern and touching her arm. "But Alex told us about the amnesia, so we thought we'd better let you recover before crowding over you," she said. Jo smiled.

"You are sweet," she said.

"So, how have you been? Do you still have troubles remembering?" the woman asked, and both the doctors noticed how fidgety she got on the topic not really knowing anything about it.

"Having trouble is the understatement of the year," Jo chuckled. "I remember nothing of the last six years," she said.

"We think it's only temporary, though, Angela," Alex tried to reassure the older woman who looked completely taken aback.

"So, do you even know who I am?" she asked, curiously.

Jo looked at her apologetically. "Alex just told me, to be honest. I did remember you but couldn't quite place you but Alex reminded me of the coolest surgery I've probably ever had the chance to assist in all my life," she chuckled, Angela smiling. "But no, I can't remember the fact that we know each other outside the hospital," she answered truthfully. "Heck, I don't even remember this guy being my husband," she chuckled, making Angela cry out.

"Oh, honey, I am so sorry, this is awful," she said compassionately.

"It's fine, Angela, really, it's okay. We'll make it back to who I was in plenty of time," she said, Alex reassuring her with a smile. Angela looked a little insecure.

"So, we didn't exactly tell Ruth about your memory loss… do you think you could…," she said, blushing a little.

"Yeah, of course, of course, no, no problem, I'll keep it light," she said, understandingly. Angela smiled and rushed back to the kitchen to retrieve the coffee. Jo looked at Alex a little shaken.

"You okay?" he asked immediately. She smiled.

"No, no, I'm fine, really." She sighed. "I just… I completely suppressed the fact that once I'm out of the hospital there are other people to face," she said, biting her lip.

"It's going to be fine, I promise," he said, squeezing her knee lovingly. Angela brought their coffee and rushed out of the room to go get Ruth. They came back together, Angela pushing a very old and fragile looking Ruth sitting in a wheel chair. Jo took in a sharp breath. Her heart tore, seeing the old lady, beaming at her. Alex took Maddie out of her arms, immediately handing her over to Angela who had been eying both kids the whole time.

Jo got up and walked over to Ruth and hugged her tightly. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Jo broke the hug and wiped away the old lady's tears. She looked at her broken hearted. "Oh, Ruth," she said apologetically. "I'm so sorry I haven't been to see you," she said. The old lady laughed and reprimanded her immediately.

"Don't you go apologizing, Mrs.," she said. "What did you think when you crashed that car? Explain yourself!" The old Ruth croaked shakily.

"Oh Ruth, I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to worry," she said, with a desperate voice.

"Oh, my child, I am so glad we have you back now," she said, hugging her again. After that Jo got up and sat next to her.

"Let me give your handsome husband a hug and oh, those beautiful kids of yours," she said, raising her arms in anticipation. Alex chuckled and walked over to give the old bat a hug. After that he put Ethan in her lap and let her kiss him senseless. Everybody laughed happily. "So, when did they discharge you?" Ruth questioned Jo.

"We just drove over from there, actually. They kept me prisoner for weeks!" Ruth raised her eyebrows.

"Well, you look well, my darling. They put you back in good shape. Alex here told us how badly you were injured. I didn't think I would see you like this again," she shook her head in worry. Jo looked at her sympathetically, taking her hand. "Oh, what am I saying, with a husband like that, if they didn't care for you well he would have brought you home and nursed you himself, right?" Alex chuckled and Jo gave him a loving look. They small talked for a while until they noticed that Ruth visibly got weaker and almost fell asleep in the end.

"We should get going soon," Alex took the initiative and got up. "Angela, thanks for having us without notice," he said, hugging her quickly.

"Yeah, of course, anytime," she said with a big smile. "Make sure to come over soon again to meet with Curt and Bobby," she said in a friendly voice. They all said their good-byes and Jo took Maddie back from Angela who was still cuddling her. The couple walked out, still hearing Ruth mumbling after them.

"….can't believe she made it out… how big the kids are already…. Ugh, such a pleasure to see the Karevs again…," they could make out of a long speech. Alex closed the front door behind them and met a very amused Jo looking at him expectantly. He raised his eyebrows questioningly, walking towards the car.

"The Karevs?" Jo asked, grinning widely, both of them strapping the twins in their respective car seats. He chuckled.

"Yeah, that old bat keeps calling you Mrs. Karev," he told her, shaking his head with another chuckle. "She can't get over the fact that people sometimes keep their names nowadays," he said. Jo laughed and sat in the passenger seat. "In the beginning you kept telling her, especially because she also keeps doing it in writing," he said, getting on the road again. "Like on invitations and stuff. Mr. and Mrs. Karev," he told her. "At some point you just gave up and accepted that she would never change her mind about that one," he winked at her. They drove in silence for a while, just enjoying the sun nearing its highest spot.

When they drove towards the neighborhood of their house, Jo looked surprised. "We still live at your house?" she asked.


	12. Chapter 12

Alex nodded and smiled. "It looks a lot different now, though," he said, grinning. "Probably has to do with a certain _Mrs. _Karev moving in a while ago," he winked at her. She laughed.

"Well, at least one thing I come home to that I know and love," she said, beaming, making Alex smile widely.

Alex pulled in the drive way and stopped the engine. "Welcome home," he said, a little sheepishly. She smiled at him.

"It's okay, Alex, I'll be fine, I promise," she reassured him, getting out of the car and breathing in the sharp November air. She looked up at the house she knew so well. She couldn't tell how many times she had slept on that living room floor up there or how many beers they had killed on all their late-night talking and drinking sessions. It seemed odd to her that now this house was supposed to be a family home. The still glowing November sun and gleaming fall leaves on the trees all around the house made it more believable to her. She got Maddie out of the car and waited for the fully packed Alex to lead the way. He walked up the stairs and turned the corner before unlocking the front door. First thing he did was curse. She giggled. He had stumbled over what looked like a baby toy."Watch out, there, Mister," she advised him, thinking about the baby in his arms. She walked in and took Maddie out of her car seat before looking around _their _house. It looked homey. Comfy. It looked like a family home. Jo chuckled silently for not quite being able to believe it yet. Alex watched her warily.

"What are you laughing at?"

Jo shrugged and walked around the living room. "Last time I was here I swear I would have called the police on you if you had let a kid enter this house," she joked good-naturedly. He chuckled.

"Yeah, lots has changed," he replied, Jo nodded while looking at the pictures on the mantelpiece. It all looked so orderly. Pictures of Jo with the kids, pictures of Alex with the kids, pictures of other kids she wasn't quite sure who they were, except for one of Zola and Sofia, pretty grown up by now. The picture that graced the center of all of them caught her eye. A family picture of what seemed to be them both with their brand-new babies. They both looked so happy. So proud. Jo tried to wrap that around her head. "Are you hungry yet?" Alex asked her, startling Jo. She shook her head.

"Not really, no," she replied.

"I'm gonna feed them lunch and then try to have them take their naps," Alex informed her, pointing at the kids and she followed him in the kitchen after deciding she would explore everything a little later when she had the time and didn't feel like he was observing her. She followed Alex's example and put the girl in one of the high chairs adjoining the kitchen table and strapped her tightly. She gave them both a kiss and then got up to see if Alex needed some help. When she turned around, she laughed out.

"Seriously, I would never have thought that refrigerator had the ability of storing food instead of beer and vodka," she giggled. He shook his head and grunted.

"Is that what you are going to comment on everything you are going to see in this house?" She nodded, not being able to keep it in.

"Yeah, probably. This is just so weird. It makes all the family stuff and the marriage and the kids part so real," she pondered. He smiled at her understandingly.

"Yeah, I know, that's what I was talking about back in the hospital. Being sheltered is one thing but here you are exposed to what's going on for real. And that's nothing you can just brush away with an 'oh well, I'll get used to it'," he explained, while cooking up some carrots and rice.

"How did you manage to think of all that already? I feel like I'm so slow…," she said.

"Well, I've had a lot of alone time lately, especially at home at night. I tried to think everything through, so I could take some workload off your shoulders, even though I know that's complete bullshit. I can't take anything much off your shoulders," he completed his thought.

"That's not true, Alex, you know that," she looked at him sympathetically. "You are helping me so much with this. I couldn't do this alone, trust me," she said. They walked over to the table and Alex handed Jo a bowl of mush to feed to Ethan who was sitting closest to her. He squealed at her in anticipation. She gurgled and babbled at her son. When they were done, they cleaned them up and Alex got their water bottles.

"Usually we put them down in the playpen after meals and let them suck on their water for a bit but they seem to be knocked out today. I don't want them to fall asleep in the wrong place. Let's let them have some water and then get them straight to bed," he said, Jo nodding and smiling. "What are you smiling about now?" he asked, a little irritated.

"You don't wanna hear it," Jo said, playing with Ethan's fingers while watching him suck on the bottle happily.

"Spit," Alex responded, a little annoyed.

"I can't believe how good you are with the kids. I know you are great with your patients… I just… you look like a natural, doing all that," she said, blushing a little.

"Well, comes with the territory," he said. "It'd be sad if I hadn't learned by now, don't you think?" he winked at her. She smiled. This felt good. After a few minutes the babies seemed to be ready to be taken to both took one and walked upstairs, taking the first door on the right. She walked in and marveled. She loved what they had done for the kids' room. There was a big window at the center of the opposing wall and a huge changing and clothing table underneath it. The beds were lined up on both the walls to her left and right and the walls had been decorated with the letters of their names and pictures. There was a playing rug on the floor and boxes with toys and books and a small radio besides one of the beds. She had to smile. They had grown up indeed. Meanwhile, Alex had put Maddie down and started to change her before putting her down in her bed and giving her a pacifier and what looked like a little blanket with her name embroidered. He took the boy out of her arms and did the same to him. They both fell asleep instantly and Alex closed the blinds so that they wouldn't wake because of the afternoon sun. He ushered her out, looking at her still melting face. "That was easy," he said contently. "Please, don't go all mushy because of the kids," he added, analyzing her reaction.

"But they're so cute," she whispered with a half-squeal.

"I know they're cute, we made them," he said, matter-of-factly. She chuckled. "Do you wanna see the rest of the house? I mean there isn't much left… you know," he said, hesitating. She nodded.

"Sure, let's do it," she said. He walked over to the far right door and opened it up for her to see a guest room. Then he walked the opposite direction to show her the bathroom.

"It's supposed to be a guest bathroom but we use it for the kids," he said, shrugging. It sure looked like it with bathing toys and baby hygiene stuff all over. When she was done looking, he turned around and entered the only door left. "And that's our… well, that's the bedroom," he blushed slightly. She risked a glance at him trying to not make him too uncomfortable. Then she got her head up, looking around. She took in a deep breath. Jo had been in that room before. But she hadn't been in _their _room before. She looked around. It wasn't too messy but it wasn't straightened either. The sheets were left like somebody had just gotten up. Both nightstands had personal stuff lying on top of it, the one with an alarm clock, a kindle and some papers lying messily on top and the other one with a book, a box of Kleenex, a water bottle and weirdly a pack of M&Ms. Jo chuckled. That looked a lot like her. She took a tentative step inside the room. There was a big cupboard lining the back wall and a dresser underneath the window, which housed some more loose things lying on top of it, Jo blushed at the sight of a black lace bra, among further picture frames with what looked like a picture of them as a couple. She could feel how she was slightly becoming a little uncomfortable. She looked around for Alex.

"Are you okay?" he asked, insecurely. She gave him a small smile.

"Yeah. I just… need to get used to everything," she said.

"You don't have to, you know. Not right away, at least. I just thought you might wanna see. I'll sleep in the guest room, of course," he said, already signifying to pack his stuff before stopping and turning around. "Or… I mean, maybe you wanna sleep in the guest room? If you don't wanna stay in here. I totally understand. This must be the weirdest bit of all," he said, trying to sound convincing. She smiled.

"I'll be fine, Alex. We can both sleep here. It's not as if I have never slept next to you before," she said.

"It's not?" he asked, frowning.

"No! Admittedly, it only happened at times when we both had passed out due to the alcohol level in our blood," she said, chuckling slightly. He nodded slowly.

"This is different, though, Jo, let's take this slowly," he said.

"Let's talk about it when the time comes, alright?" Jo suggested, not wanting to discuss the topic. He nodded, a little uncertain. Jo walked over towards the bathroom but turning around midway. "May I?" she pointed at the door and he nodded.

"It's your house, Jo, I know it's weird but please stop asking me stuff like that," he said, genuinely annoyed. She smiled, mouthing 'sorry'. She entered and switched the lights on. It looked a lot like her in there. Again, it wasn't too messy, but nothing in there was where it was supposed to be even though it kind of looked like the stuff initially had a spot somewhere. The tall shelves besides the sink were lined with feminine products, hair products, face wash, lotions, everything that was hers. There was a small board which looked like belonged to Alex. The whole room smelled like Alex too, he had probably taken a shower before coming to get her at the hospital. This was a little too intimate for her. But she would get used to it. She just felt like her insides were turning around. She felt like she was intruding into someone's extreme personal life. Even though it was someone she cared for a lot. She turned around and noticed that Alex had gone. When she walked towards the door, he came back in again, throwing all her luggage down on the bed. "You decide where you wanna put it," he just said, walking out of the bedroom again.

They spent their afternoon relaxing, not doing much. Alex had gone downstairs and switched the TV on to some college basketball recap. He fell asleep 10 minutes later. Jo used the time to look around the house. She tried to look at the details and imagine how they had gotten there. Which of all the things were supposed to be like that? Which ones had just emerged over time? Had she decided what pictures went on the mantelpiece? Or had they decided together? Who had decorated the nursery? And when had they started to take pictures of themselves? Who was doing their shopping? And cleaning? Jo walked upstairs to go back to the bedroom. She needed to get acquainted with the room. She walked in and stopped in the middle of the room and stood there, for at least 5 minutes before touching anything. It felt so wrong.

First, she would only look through obvious stuff, then she started to rummage. She opened the closet doors and chuckled when she realized she definitely hadn't left a lot of space for Alex's stuff. Then she opened drawers and doors to the dresser and the nightstand. Condoms. _Of course_. She closed the drawer quickly, blushing slightly, not wanting to be detected in the middle of browsing. After a while, she sat down on the bed. It seemed comfortable. She mulled her thoughts around in her head. It was buzzing. Apart from the headaches she still carried around from the head trauma, her mind was buzzing. This was all so freakishly weird. She tried so hard to brush it all off as 'okay' and 'totally fine' and 'Alex, it's not like I hadn't known you before' but it really wasn't. It was hard. The fact that she had already brewed up overwhelming feelings for Alex again wasn't making it any better. Jo felt like she was intruding into someone else's life even though she knew the person, she felt like she shouldn't know so many intimate details about him. Like his sleeping arrangement. Or what toothpaste he used.

She shook her head and got up. Get a grip on yourself. You are going to be fine. She unzipped her luggage and sorted 'her' clothing in two piles. Laundry, and unworn. She looked around her cupboard and tried to fit the stuff in. Then she put all her toiletries back to where she thought they might have come from. When she was done, Jo picked up her laundry and was just about to walk downstairs when she heard babbling from the nursery. She put the pile next do their room and walked inside. Ethan was up, looking at her expectantly.

"Good morning, baby boy," she cooed in a whisper, trying not to wake Maddie up yet. She cuddled the boy and played some tickling games with him before changing him into a fresh diaper and taking him downstairs. Alex was awake and on the phone.

"…give me a second, she's just coming down, let me ask her," he talked to the person on the phone. He looked over at Jo. "Jo, do you wanna do something tonight? Maybe go out, have dinner or something?" he looked at her expectantly. She grinned at him cheekily.

"Are you asking me out?" He rolled his eyes, still waiting for a response. "Yeah, sure, why not," she said, eventually, frowning at him. Alex turned back to the phone.

"Alright. Let's do… I don't know, seven-ish. If that's okay with you. And then we'll talk about the rest of the week later, alright?" He paused to listen to what the person on the other line was talking. "Alright, sounds good. See you later, then. Yeah, you too, bye, thanks," he said, hanging up and throwing his phone on the coffee table. Jo had put Ethan down in the play pen and gotten his bottle for him.

"Who was that?" she looked at him curiously.

"Lauren," he answered, not taking his eyes off the TV.

"Oh," she answered, surprise in her voice. Alex looked up, hearing her reaction, giving her a questioning look. "I was just thinking… why do we need a babysitter when we're both home?"

Alex looked back at the TV. "Because it's exhausting to be trapped at home all the time, trust me, you'll get there," he said, clearly speaking of experience. She nodded slowly.

"So what are we going to do with all that freedom?" she asked him, smiling like a little girl wanting to get into mischief. He chuckled.

"Whatever you want to," he said, taking a sip of his soda can. Jo got down on the floor with Ethan who was trying to rip a stuffed elephant's head off. She laughed. This was fun. She knew, this probably wasn't what they'd know as everyday life but she enjoyed it. After a while, they could hear Maddie waking up on the monitor. "I'll go get her," Alex offered, getting up from the couch. When they came back, Alex put Maddie down next to her sibling. The little girl beamed up at her mom.

"Hi darling, did you have a good rest?" Jo chatted cheerfully.

After playing inside for a while they decided to take a walk outside, enjoying the last bits of the sunshine that year and running by the store to get some essentials. When they came back it was already high time for the kids to have a bath. Jo had the time of her life. Alex laughed at her uncontrollably for almost jumping in with all her clothes on because she was enjoying herself so much. It felt good to watch her rise in the company of their kids. She genuinely seemed to accustom to being a mom well. They had just taken them out and dried them off, when the doorbell rang. "That must be Lauren," he told her. "I'll go get it, are you going to be fine?" She nodded, still cuddling both of her kids in their little bathrobes. She undressed them and put lotion on both of them and then carried them over to the nursery. She tried to make out what Alex and Lauren were talking downstairs but couldn't quite get the words they were saying.

"Hey there," he opened the door for Lauren. "How are you feeling?"

"A lot better, thanks," Lauren answered with a smile to her face. "How's everything going with Jo?" she asked, concern lacing her voice. They walked towards the staircase, Alex waiting for her to get her coat and shoes off.

"It's okay, she's trying really hard. We all are. I'm glad you take some work off our shoulders," he said, giving her a grateful look.

"Oh, anytime, really," she said, nodding. They walked up the stairs and into the nursery. Jo had just dressed Maddie in her pajamas and turned around to greet the newcomer. "Hi," she said a little uncomfortable.

"Jo, that's Lauren, our babysitter," he introduced them. She walked over and shook hands with her, smiling.

"I know you don't remember me but I'm really glad you made it out of the car okay," Lauren said, a little sheepishly, not knowing how to act around her boss who didn't seem to remember her. Jo smiled.

"Thank you," she said.

"Hi baby," Lauren immediately squealed at seeing Maddie and taking her from Jo. "How are you doing? I haven't seen you in forever! I'm sorry I couldn't come last week, I was really sick," she explained to the little girl who just laughed and babbled at her nanny. Jo watched them closely and felt a little odd. What was she supposed to do now Lauren was here? How many times a week was she with them? She seemed so… close to them. Lauren had walked over to Ethan's crib and was talking to him cheerfully. Jo looked at Alex and realized he was watching her.

"What?" she asked him, a little surprised. He shook his head.

"Nothing," he said. "Do you wanna go get a shower before we go?" She nodded.

"Yeah, definitely," she said, still watching the unfamiliar woman interact with her babies. She walked over and kissed them goodnight. "I'll see you in the morning, alright, sweethearts," she said, a little bummed out about leaving. Lauren smiled at her understandingly.

"They'll be fine, I promise," Lauren told her. "They're used to your late work hours and me getting them to bed," she said. Jo looked at her uncertainly.

"I'm not sure that makes it any better," she chuckled.

"Well, we both didn't stop being surgeons when we had the twins," Alex jumped in, trying to calm her. "But we spend plenty of time with them, trust me," he said, trying to convince her of it. She nodded. Jo caressed both the babies' heads one more time before walking out. Alex sighed. Lauren looked at him compassionately. He smiled and went over to kiss the kids good night as well and then followed Jo.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked her, watching her sit on the bed. She shook her head.

"No, it's fine. I just… I can't really comprehend how our lives work and I mean… as you say, we're both surgeons and we work like… a lot of hours every week, and now we have twin babies at home? How does that work?"

"We make it work," Alex told her sympathetically.

"Yeah… but does that make me a bad mom?" Alex laughed and earned a very deadly look from Jo.

"Jo, you are the best mom anyone could ever wish for. You go above and beyond for those little rascals. It's ridiculous. Really, you are perfect. They get to see you work but they get to have you with them all the time as well," he reassured her. She looked at him with big eyes.

"Do I ever sleep?" she asked, joking without humor in her voice. He chuckled.

"Barely," he replied.

There was a short pause. "Do we ever get time to ourselves? I mean, you know… to spend with each other… apart from work or being with the kids?" Alex watched her struggle with her thoughts.

"Yeah, sure, we do. Not as much as we would want and we used to but it's okay. We make it work," he said again, truthfully. She nodded. After a while she concluded that she just had to see for herself if what he told her was true. She got up and walked over to stand in front of the cupboard.

"Are you gonna watch me get ready?" she asked cheekily. He blushed slightly.

"No, ma'am," he said, walking out of the bedroom, leaving a very confused Jo looking at a huge array of clothing, not knowing what to get out.

Half an hour later, Alex had just killed his first beer and watched some more college basketball when he heard Jo call for him. He rolled his eyes at Lauren, who was sitting next to him, folding laundry.

"She'll get used to it," the babysitter just said, smiling. He got up and walked upstairs to find a frantic Jo in her silk bathrobe in front of the dresser.

"What am I supposed to wear for tonight?" she asked, looking at him in what looked like pure desperation.

"Shhh, you're gonna wake the kids," he walked in and closed the door. Jo's face immediately changed to apologetic.

"I'm so sorry, I kinda forgot," she whispered. He looked at her questioningly. "I mean, where are we even going? What is it I am supposed to wear?" she asked with a very low voice.

"Hm, I've made reservations at a place… it's… well, kinda dressy," he said slowly. She nodded with raised eyebrows, still awaiting more information. "Well, just put on one of your three million things, it'll be fine," he shook his head in amusement to her 'situation'. "Are you done with the bathroom?" She nodded. "Alright, then," he just replied and walked into the adjoining bathroom and closing the door behind him. Jo went for a dressy, but not too fancy little black dress and put it on. She was nervous. They could probably define this as their first date. She wanted to be ready. She put on just enough make up but not too much and made some finishing touches. When she decided it was not going to get any better, she gave herself one more look in the mirror and walked downstairs.

"Hey," Lauren greeted her from the couch. Jo looked at her in surprise.

"Oh, you don't have to do that,… I think," she just got out, pointing at the stack of the kids' laundry, Lauren was working at. Lauren chuckled.

"It's fine," the babysitter said. "I wouldn't feel comfortable if you paid me for taking them to bed and then just watch out for any troubles the next couple of hours without doing much other than watch TV and do some reading or whatever. They've been sleeping through the night for months now," she explained. Jo nodded. She hovered a little. She didn't quite know what to say but she felt like she needed to ask a few things.

"I get that this is weird for you also, Lauren, I just…," Jo started, stuttering. Lauren looked at her expectantly. "I mean,…" she was still looking for words when Lauren interrupted her.

"Ask me anything, I don't mind," she offered. Jo thought about that for a minute before walking closer and sitting down on the other end of the couch.

"How long have you been working for us?" Lauren looked up, surprised about the rather superficial question.

"We met before the twins were born. You asked me if I would want to babysit for you. When they were a month old, Alex forced you to go out a couple of times so the transition to going to work again would be easier for you," she narrated. "When they were six weeks old, you started back up at work and that's when I came to nanny for you regularly. After a while you took them with you to daycare and that's when you started to use me for evenings. I've been with you ever since," she completed the short trip down memory lane. Jo followed the story closely and nodded.

"Would you mind terribly telling me how we met?" she asked, a little uncomfortable.

"No, no, not at all."

_It was Christmas time again and the pit was completely overloaded with patients – patients out sick, patients drinking too much, patients getting into family fights or accidents. Jo used to love that time of the year – it always brought in the best cases. This year, all the christmasy cheer was a little clouded, since she was carrying two already very heavy babies around with her. She had been paged 911 but her feet wouldn't carry her faster than she already was. When she arrived at the pit, she felt uncomfortable and queasy. Way too many people in there. She took one of the tablets off of the nurses' station and pulled the curtain open to meet with the patient. _

_"Hi, my name's Dr. Wilson and I'm going to try to help you with your injuries," she introduced herself to a young woman who seemed to be in a lot of pain. "Would you mind telling me what happened?" The twenty-something girl looked at the doctor with pain in her eyes and coughed. _

_"I was hit by a car downtown. They ran the red light. I tried to step back but he had speed. He rammed me with full force. My arm and shoulder really hurt and I fell on the ground, so I have a little headache. Also, I feel sick to my stomach," she explained. Jo nodded. _

_"Alright, let's get a look at those bones of yours and I'm going to prescribe some fluids for you for your head trauma and nausea. I'm going to order a CT right now and then we'll see what's going on. You'll probably be here overnight, is there anyone we can call for you?" The young woman looked up at her desperately. _

_"I actually just moved here, I don't have anybody much. My friend, who brought me here, is the only one who should know and he does, he just went home to get some things for me and he'll be back later," she answered, a little unsure. Jo picked up on her insecurities. _

_"Don't worry, Lauren, you'll be in good hands here, I promise."_

_Later that day, Jo revisited with the patient who was already put into a room. "Hey Lauren, are you feeling any better?" she asked compassionately. _

_"The pain killers are surely working," she voiced happily. Jo chuckled. _

_"They are, aren't they? Alright, your head CT came back clear, you might have suffered a mild concussion which we will monitor the next 24 hours. Your upper arm has been broken and your shoulder has been bruised badly, we will have that fixed shortly, an orthopedic doctor will come to see you soon. Everything else came back clear. You'll be good to go tomorrow! I hope you don't have any big plans for right now though, these fractures seem pretty nasty," Jo advised her. The patient shook her head. Jo walked over to stabilize the patients' arm. "What's that you have moved to Seattle for?" The patient seemed thankful for the distraction, still wincing when the doctor touched her arm. _

_"I got into the technical science program here at University of Washington – well, I got one of the spare spots, somebody has dropped out. I'm so excited. But I don't know anybody yet. _This_ actually doesn't make moving here easier, I was trying to get the job hunt going one of these days. College doesn't pay itself," she pondered. _

_"What kind of job are you looking for?" Jo asked compassionately. _

_"Well, I have been nannying a lot over the years. I started babysitting in high school and after that I went to college for nursing but I didn't like it that much so I started to work as a nanny for different families. So, I thought I could actually do that some more since it's the only thing I have experience in. Also, people tell me I'm good at it. I mean, I don't wanna sound like I wanna do that forever, it's just… I always loved being with the kids and if you get good recommendations I don't see anything wrong with that. At least for now," she explained. _

_"No, nothing at all," Jo replied. "You know, if you have a little patience – which you will need to cure your fractures anyways, I might have a job for you pretty soon," Jo pointed at her baby belly. Lauren smiled at her. _

_"Really? Are you still looking for someone? I'd love to nanny for you. When are you due? Sometime soon I guess?" the girl said with sparkling eyes. Jo laughed. _

_"No, it's actually gonna be a while longer. I'm only 30 weeks right now," she said, meeting big eyes. "I'm having twins," she said, explanatory. _

_"Ohhhh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…," the potential nanny tried to explain herself. Jo laughed. _

_"It's fine. I know I'm big. I don't even wanna think about the next 2 months. I can barely walk right now," she joked. "But I mean it, if you are still looking for a job in the beginning of March, we could definitely swap numbers and once they're born, we'll see if you're a good fit with our babies. I'll talk to my husband – but I don't actually think he has looked into it, so this would definitely be an option," she said joyfully._

"Well, that's pretty much it," Lauren recounted the story for Jo. "You called me up again when the twins were born and I came to meet with everybody when they were like… I don't know 3 weeks old I guess. You did a real good background check, that's for sure and I spent some time with you and the kids before actually taking care of them myself without you being around. You had a hard time leaving them with someone else in the beginning. I guess that's normal," Lauren said. Jo nodded, five hundred thousand questions in her head.

"How did I get over it?" she finally asked.

"I don't know. I guess Alex had a lot to do with it. And also, there was not much choice. You needed and wanted to go back to work. And everything worked out really smoothly. The twins were 'easy babies' – as easy as twins can be. And we worked out a really productive schedule. You both took a lot of time off to be with the kids and you really let me help you, so yeah. It figured itself out," she voiced her thoughts.

"Can I ask you something else?" Jo asked after a while.

"Sure, go ahead," Lauren answered, finishing up the last few onesies.

"Please be honest with me though," Jo started. The younger woman nodded."How would you judge me? I mean as a mom? Do I spend a lot of time with my kids?"

Lauren raised her eyebrows and nodded vigorously. "Yeah, you are awesome at it. Trust me, I've seen a lot through the years and I can't remember any mom ever being that thorough and clear about her kids. You work a lot and honestly, I have no idea how you do it but you spend a lot of time with your kids as well. And when I say A LOT, I really mean it. Both of you. I barely come to work for you now. I mean of course, you need me like 2 or 3 times a week, but you really try to spend as much time with them as you got. I've been impressed with how you handled the situation from the start," she said, truthfully, watching her boss's reaction. "Don't get me wrong, my story may seem a little… perfect . Of course you guys are exhausting yourselves a lot. It's not easy what you do but you make it work. Other people don't. That's the only thing I'm saying. And I'm glad you decided that it's okay to let somebody else help you," Lauren added. Jo nodded and got up, not feeling too comfortable, asking the babysitter all those questions. She got herself a bottle of water out of the fridge and started some small talk about Lauren's school situation. Several minutes later they could hear Alex coming down the stairs, dressed in black pants and a fancy grey shirt. Jo gasped. He looked so handsome. She walked over to meet with him the hallway. When Alex came down the last few steps, he hesitated and gulped.

"You look gorgeous," he said slowly, his pupils visibly dilating while looking at her burningly. Jo got goose bumps and blushed slightly seeing that look on his face.

"Thank you," she said, walking a little closer and Alex swept down to kiss her cheek. He matched their eyes for a second and smiled before turning around to look at Lauren.

"Alright, we'll be back before midnight, hope everything will be good," he said, Lauren nodding.

"Sure, you guys have fun," she said, while Alex helped Jo put her coat on and ushered her out. Both of them felt nervous. Like it was their first date.


	13. Chapter 13

Alex opened up the passenger door for Jo and helped her climb in before taking a seat himself. He fumbled around for the heat to start working and put on an acceptable radio program. Wasn't that easy in the light of what those programs kept playing nowadays. They drove in silence for a bit before Jo took the initiative.

"So, where are we going?" she asked him, shyly.

"Um… this place… you'll see," Alex stuttered. Jo laughed, looking out of the window.

"When did you start being so nervous around me?" Jo asked sympathetically.

"I'm not nervous," he told her, untruthfully. She chuckled.

"Yeah, you are," she replied, matter-of-factly, studying his profile. He glanced at her quickly before focusing on the dark road ahead.

"Well, aren't you?" he asked back.

"A little, to be honest," she smiled. "Maybe it's more excitement than nerves. I don't know. I've never been on a date with you before," she winked at him. He smiled. That excuse again.

"You'll like it, I promise," he said. "I mean, you'll like the restaurant," he corrected himself, blushing a little. Jo snickered.

"I bet I'll like the date just as much," she said, breathing slowly.

Alex drove on for a while, not saying much, until he finally turned into a parking lot and stopped the car. He got out and met Jo on the other side to help her out. They walked to the front entrance of the restaurant silently. When he opened the door for her, a wave of Italian food smell greeted her.

"Ugh, that smells delicious," Jo started, trying to hide her grumbling stomach. They both laughed. "And I'm hungry," she added.

"Yeah, me too," he said, turning around to the clerk and telling him about his reservation. They met with a waiter a couple of minutes later who brought them to their table, a cosy little 2 man booth at a window. They took their seats and started studying the menu.

"Do we come here often?" Jo asked curiously.

"It's your most favorite Italian restaurant," he commented, not taking his eyes off the menu. "Actually, let me write down what you are most probably going to order, I wonder if that's still the case," he said, looking for a napkin. Jo chuckled.

"That'll be interesting," she mused, looking over the dishes and trying to decide if there was something she couldn't take her eyes off. Alex scribbled down a pretty long list before putting his pen down. "Did you just write the whole menu on that napkin?" she asked him, playfully. He smiled.

"Nope, just the top 3 choices you usually choose from," he said, winking. They picked a bottle of wine and then Jo bugged Alex a while what he was going to get because she needed to adjust both their meals to get the most out of it. Alex grinned knowingly.

"Stop smirking at me, Mister," she said, smacking him playfully with her menu. When the waiter came, they ordered a shared antipasti appetizer and Jo tried to pick the best sounding entrée.

"I'll have the… hmm… ugh, what the hell, I'll have the White pizza with the ricotta, red onions, pistachios and rosemary WITHOUT the garlic, please," she decided, putting down the menu and smiling up at the waiter. Alex ordered his spaghetti marinara that he swore to be the best in town and looked at her with his eyebrows raised.

"I thought you liked garlic," he said, not seeming to care much.

"Show me the napkin," Jo ordered. He beamed at her and handed it over.

_You will order White Pizza Cipolla Rossa without the garlic if I'm having Spaghetti. (Because one dish of garlic between us is way enough)_

_You will order Angel Hair pasta with the egg plant sauce if I'm having Cardinale._

_You will have the antipasti risotto if we're not getting the antipasti appetizer (if we will not order the antipasti appetizer you will complain about it later. Even though you love their shrimp cocktail). _

She stared at it for a while trying not to laugh. Then she focused her eyes on Alex. "But I can't remember ever having eaten here before," she started, still not trying to grin.

"I know, this place opened a few years after we started dating," he told her.

"But then, how come I'm ordering the same dishes now that I would have when I still remembered," she questioned even though it looked like she was awaiting an answer from the napkin more than from her date.

"That's what we've been talking about, Jo. You didn't lose your personality, you only lost part of your memory," he said, smiling. "And that's how I know I will win you over again," he added, winking. She grinned at him playfully.

"Really, that self-confident all of a sudden," she asked.

"Well, no, not really, but pretending to be that way makes it easier," he said, biting his lips. She smiled at him, touching his hand, not saying anything for a while.

"I would not have complained if we had gotten the shrimp cocktail," she pretended to pout. He laughed out loud.

"Yeah, you would have," he said, still chuckling. They engaged in a little chatter about nothing much but the conversation was easy going until the appetizer arrived and Jo felt like she was in heaven.

"This is delicious," she said, taking a bit from everything. He smiled at her.

"I'm glad you enjoy it," he just said, taking a bite himself.

The entrées were served and Jo was fully satisfied with their choices. She appreciatively munched on her pizza, stealing bites from Alex now and then and their conversation never ceased. It was fun. It was easy. She loved it. Alex felt good about this as well. Everything was just perfect. It made him feel safe that a few things in their lives would never change. Even if they were little things like what kind of food she loved or what kind of subjects they would never tire of discussing. It felt so good after doing so much mind work with the entire rest of their lives. When they finished, they both leaned back and rubbed their stomachs. "That was exceptionally good," Jo reported back to Alex and he grinned satisfied. "Thanks for taking me here," she added, with a grateful look.

"Well, dinner's not over, Mrs." He stated, pointing at the dessert menu.

"There's no way I can indulge anything else right now," she replied, making big eyes at the choices.

"Oh, trust me, you can," he said.

"I don't care about dessert much. You get what you want and I'll steal a bite or two," she said, making him giggle. "What?" she asked.

"Well, that's what you always say. Turns out you eventually always eat most part of it," he winked at her.

"Oh, you're lying," she accused him playfully. He shook his head.

"No, ma'am, not about food I'm not," he said closing the menu and telling the waiter their order. They only waited a few moments before they got served their Panna Cotta with two long spoons. Alex watched Jo struggle with herself about not wanting him to win but wanting to taste the sweet dish so much. "Go ahead," he said. "I ordered it for you!" She gave him a sharp look before going weak.

"God, this is heaven," she said, taking her first bite. Alex laughed.

"You gotta trust me sometime," he said, knowingly. They sat in silence for a while, finishing up the dessert and sipping on their wine.

"So, I've been wanting to ask you something," Jo said, getting Alex's attention. "I mean, I know this is probably bad timing to ask but we rarely seem to have the time to discuss serious matters and I've been thinking a lot about it and…," Jo tried to explain herself. Alex looked at her expectantly.

"Go ahead, ask," he nudged her.

"Well, you know, when I woke up I thought Jason had put me in the hospital. And as far as my calendar goes, I'm still in 2013. So, I really need to talk about what happened with Jason. I realize that we probably have been through this a lot but if you didn't mind… I just… I need to get some kind of closure with that," she looked at him shyly. He nodded.

"Of course, Jo, absolutely. I'm sorry I haven't given you any information on that already, I totally didn't think that far. Of course you don't know anything about it. Please, ask me anything. Or talk about your feelings for that matter," he encouraged her, leaning forward a bit to put his elbows on the table and look at her.

"Well, would you mind telling me what happened? Or maybe I'll tell you what I still know and then you'll fill in the blanks?" she asked him, insecurely. He nodded.

"Okay, so, remember that day when we had that awful fight about you telling Jason about my childhood and I telling you never to talk to me again?" Alex nodded. "We started that fight that day. Several days passed and we never got over it because I mostly blocked him off and tried to not talk about it much. Then there was that day when you and I had another little fight, when you told me that you are sick of me," she slowed down recalling the last part.

"Yeah, I told you I'm sick of crazy chicks with problems, you can say that, I know what I said," he told her, guilt in his voice.

"I didn't say pretty things to you either," she admitted. "Alright so that night when I went home, we had the worst fight and we kept yelling at each other and throwing really colorful vocabulary around the room. And at some point he kind of threw me on the couch with all his strength which made me really mad. And when I get mad, I tend to… I don't know… I tend to… I mean, I'm really scared of that myself and… and I really… I'm not proud of it but I tend to…," Jo stuttered.

"Jo, it's okay. I know. You tend to react aggressively yourself. I know you, don't get scared of telling me," he calmed her. She nodded.

"Alright, so I got really mad and I got up and you know… I pushed him back and that made _him_ really mad and he was still yelling at me that I was a liar and he couldn't trust me anymore and…. Well it got really bad, and at some point… I still don't know if he didn't think any more or… if it wasn't meant to be that hard… well, he hit me, and I tried to push him away, but he wouldn't stop hitting me. So I hit back, and I got him in the face which made him pause for a second. Then I hit him in his crotch which made him unmoving for a while. Then I tried to calm down a bit because you know… who the hell does that? A fist fight in a relationship? What the hell? So I bent down, to breathe it out and next thing I know is him turning around and coming towards me with that really scary look on his face and then everything goes black," she said, ending her story.

"Everything goes black? In that moment," Alex asked, astounded.

"I never told you as much?" she asked. He shook his head.

"No, not the details. You told me pretty much everything I needed to know, but no, you never told me the full recap," he said, mulling it over in his head. She let him think for a while before clearing her throat and looking at him insecurely.

"So, could you tell me what happened next?"

He looked up at her and sighed. "You panicked and hit him. You hit him hard, you defended yourself. He fell down and hit his head at the fireplace. You thought it was okay when he was still yelling and cursing you. So, you took your chance and got out. You packed a few things and drove over to my place, that's where I met you first thing after the fight," he paused for a second, Jo nodding.

"What do you mean with I thought he was okay?" she asked.

"Well, he actually wasn't. When I found him he had lost consciousness and I brought him to the hospital where Shepherd had to operate on a brain bleed," he recalled slowly. Jo took a sharp breath in and her hand flew to her mouth, eyes wide open. "It's okay, he made it out okay. It was an accident. As you said, you defended yourself. He hit the fireplace with his head, that's all. He got out fine, he's okay now," Alex tried to calm her.

"I put him in the hospital, Alex. I could have killed him," she said, panicking.

"You didn't mean to, though," Alex said, shrugging.

"That doesn't make it better," Jo replied, looking at him thunderstruck.

"I know that. But you never did anything like that ever again," he said, matter-of-factly. Jo nodded.

"So what happened when I came over to your house? I mean, we were not talking to each other, right?"

"Well, you came over to my house with bad bruises all over your face and body. Do you really think I would let you walk away with that? I took you in and you told me what happened. You stayed with me. After that I went to look for Jason, planning to kill him, to be honest, but I found him in pretty bad shape so I brought him in and Shepherd had a look at him. I told Meredith and Cristina – they all thought I was the one who had done it to him. You clarified that instantly. When he woke up, I threatened him I would get him kicked out the hospital if he decided to call the police on you. I silenced him for good with that threat. It's not a proud moment but I didn't know what else to do. I needed to protect you," he finished his story. Jo looked at him with a mixture of complete shock and love for what he said about protecting her.

"Is he still working at Grey Sloan?" Jo asked after a while. Alex shook his head.

"No, he recovered and then moved to Florida, what I heard, and went to work at a private practice. I think he didn't want to ever cross paths with any of us ever again. Never heard from him again after that," he concluded. Jo nodded, mulling everything over in her head.

"When you say I never hurt anyone after that ever again, how do you know that?"

"Because I trust you and you tell me you didn't," he said.

"Did I tell you about having hurt people before Jason? Putting them into a hospital bed?"

"Yeah. I mean, not immediately. It was way after when we had already started dating that you told me about your problems keeping your anger in. You told me about two guys you had punched into hospital beds. You actually thought about going into Ortho because of that. You know, using your rage to put into something useful," he explained, watching her closely. "It didn't last long. You did love it a lot, but trauma really got to you. Then you lost a bet to me once and we had decided that whoever lost the bet would have to go into anger management classes for at least 6 months. We both needed it badly but neither of us would actually take the step. You finished them and learned how to channel your anger differently. As far as I know, you never had any bigger problems with fist fighting again after that," he told her. She thought about it a minute before smiling.

"Really? I had to do the anger management classes? I would have thought you needed them much more than I did…," she began. He laughed.

"I actually did them at the same time at a different class. I never told you before now. I never wanted to. I just needed them badly and I thought if you had to, I could do it, too."

Jo raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Why did you never tell me?" He shrugged.

"Well, because… I don't know… I don't think there's a valid reason. Not about my ego though. Well, maybe a bit," he chuckled slightly. "I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it, I guess," he finished his thought. She nodded.

"Well, I'm glad you told me. Yay! You actually told me something that you have never told my "your wife" alter ego. I feel so special right now," she laughed, infecting him with it and they enjoyed the moment for a bit before becoming serious again.

"So, you never thought anything bad about me? About getting all wild and unpredictable when I'm mad? About me having been to jail before?" He shook his head.

"No. I would have probably done the exact same to him if you hadn't done it. I actually drove over to his place to tell him what I thought about all that. We're both hot headed and have a temper. Of course it's not okay. And we talked about that many times. But as I said, we tried to deal with it. But it doesn't make you a bad person," he voiced. She nodded, a little unsure.

"So what happened next? I mean, did I stay with you? Was our fight over?"

"Yeah, mostly. I mean we fought about Jason a bit. Because you know… as reasonable and adult this all sounds when I'm retelling it, it wasn't back then. We discussed it all out. But you stayed with me. And then the storm happened – I don't know, did they already forecast it at the time you still remember?"

Jo nodded. "Yeah, was that really bad?"

"Yeah, it was catastrophic. A tree crashed my living room. Thousands and thousands of dead people. We had a power outage at the hospital. We ventilated the babies on NICU by hand. A whole night long. Webber and your intern friend Brooks, they were electrocuted," he said, touching her hand slightly.

"What?" she said, a little panicked.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about having to tell you that again. Webber survived. Brooks didn't," he said. Jo stared at him with big eyes.

"Heather's dead?"

"Yeah. It was bad. Shepherd operated on her for ages. But in the end, he couldn't help her. I'm sorry, Jo," he said, squeezing her hand, trying to comfort her. She looked at him sadly and gulped.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Nobody told me at the hospital," she said, pensively.

"Hm, yeah, she's been gone a long time, now. You can't blame people for not telling you some things. It's hard to get it right what you remember and what you don't. I only know because the cut from what you remember and then don't was very significant regarding my life, too," Alex articulated, Jo nodding. "So, after spending the night at the NICU together, I sought you up in your locker rooms and talked to you. I told you that I was in love with you," he said, hesitating. Jo smiled.

"How did I react?"

He chuckled. "Well, first you told me not to tell you. You already knew. I have been wanting to tell you for a while. Amongst other times, I wanted to tell you right before the tree came crashing down my living room. So, you already knew. And you wanted to convince me not to tell you. Because you thought we would be greater staying friends and you would mess things up if we started seeing each other… as a couple," he said, smiling at her. "But then I told you anyways and you just smiled and then I kissed you," he recounted. "Yep, that was pretty much it," he said. Jo smiled. They sat in silence for a while, Jo watching Alex's face and trying to decide what to say next.

"You know," she started, making him look up, their hands still linked.

"That's exactly where my mind and heart are right now if the last 6 years hadn't happened," she said slowly, trying to make out if he got what she was saying. "That's exactly where I am right now," she repeated, to make herself heard. Alex looked at her sideways and let out a humorless chuckle. "That's why I keep telling you I'm not making things up," she continued, studying Alex's pensive face. "I really am in…," she started but Alex shushed her.

"Trust me, Jo, I know that. I really do. I've been thinking about that a lot. I've been wondering about it," he hesitated, Jo listening closely. "But still, we can't just pick up where we left off. It's too soon. First, we need to figure out where you are in your life and if this life will be working out for you," he said. "Because – as you said in therapy – time didn't stop since your accident. You live and you keep having feelings and they may alter. I just wanna make sure this is the right path for you," he finished his thought. Jo shook her head lightly, smiling sadly.

"You are one stubborn husband, you know that?" she said exhaustedly. He smiled and nodded. He took her hand and kissed it. They smiled at each other. It was going to be okay. They were going to be okay. But they surely weren't going to get there at the same speed.


	14. Chapter 14

"Do you wanna dance?" Alex asked softly, bringing Jo back to reality after their little moment. Jo looked around. She had been so engrossed in their conversation that she hadn't realized that staff must have cleared a little spot for dancing and an accordion player was playing soft, romantic tunes. She smiled and nodded at him. They got up and Alex led her to the makeshift dance floor. A few couples were already swaying to the music and Jo got goose bumps when Alex pulled her closer and started to lead the dance. She sighed and put her head on his shoulder. Their date had been so perfect. Even though the situations quickly changed from relaxed to awkward to funny to romantic, she didn't think it could go any better. As Stephanie had told her – it wasn't going to be easy, but it was so worth it.

Jo wondered what it was like to be married to Alex. What their relationship was made of. She had heard so many things about them as a couple but what she really wanted to know was what it was _really_ like. She could feel the butterflies in her stomach and noticed how Alex's hand on the small of her back held her firmly and how he steadily breathed on her shoulder. The only source she could ask about the most intimate parts of their relationship was holding her in that very moment and he clearly wasn't ready to tell her. _Why wouldn't he tell her? Was he really that scared that now that she couldn't remember she would not fall for him anymore? She was already falling for him… and she had told him about that. What was he so afraid of? Was it really the fact that he was afraid of losing her or was there something he wouldn't tell her? Something that had happened between them in the past?_ She was sure he wasn't going to tell soon but she decided for herself that she was definitely going to find out. But for right now, she kept swaying in Alex's arms and enjoying the intimate moment with her date. After a couple of songs, Alex pulled her back to their table and she chuckled.

"What? I didn't say I was going to dance with you for the rest of the night," he excused himself. Jo laughed.

"That's okay, I enjoyed myself anyways," she said truthfully, looking into his eyes deeply. They were still holding hands.

"Do you want me to get the check? We'll have an early morning tomorrow, you know with the kids and all," he pointed out to her. She shook her head.

"I'd rather stay another little while. Just a bit. I just wanna talk to you some more. With the kids, we never get to talk much. Let's just enjoy it a little bit longer to get to be with each other, okay? And anyways, it's only 10.28," she looked over at his watch and chuckled. He nodded.

"So what do you wanna talk about?" he asked. She smiled at him.

"How about you tell me how I made you meet Ruth, I'd really like to hear that, especially because you said it was that early in our relationship," Jo smiled and leaned back. Alex chuckled.

"Alright, I'll tell you. It's actually the same story of how we found out that the Brans and Ruth are family," he said. She nodded interestedly.

"So, remember how I told you that you made me meet Ruth very early on in our relationship," Alex started the story. Jo nodded. "Well, actually, it was after our first… I mean, the morning after our first night together," he said, sheepishly. Jo raised her eyebrows in surprise and chuckled.

"Do go on," she said curiously. They both laughed.

_They both got up after relaxing for a while and Alex had a shower, while Jo was drying her hair and getting dressed. When they were both done, and Jo had diligently made the bed, Alex looked at her. "Well, what do you wanna do with this still early day?" Jo smiled at him widely. _

_"Actually," she said, stepping closer to her partner. "I wanted to propose breakfast to you." In response, Alex' stomach growled loudly. They chuckled. _

_"Not a bad idea, princess." Jo rolled her eyes. "I am definitely starving," he added, loosely putting his arms around Jo's waist. "Where do you wanna go? There's nothing left in the fridge, as you might have guessed," he joked. _

_"Actually," Jo repeated with a questioning look. "I wanted you to meet someone." Alex raised his eyebrows _

_"Oh yeah? And who might that be?" _

_"How about we start driving and I will tell you all about it," Jo unwrapped herself from Alex and pulled him out of the bedroom. _

_"Are you going to make me beg for details?" Alex asked irritated by Jo's mysterious outputs. _

_"Baby, the only place I will ever make you beg for something is in there," Jo murmured, gesturing to the room they had just left. Alex laughed. They got in the car and Alex waited for directions which she gave him instantly. _

_"So?" Alex tried to not be impatient. He didn't like surprises. He also didn't like being kept in the dark. However, he supposed he needed to get used to a lot of new things with the beginning of their relationship. So he waited patiently._

_"When I first moved here, I didn't know anyone. As you know I've never had a real family or relatives, and all my friends were staying back East. I came here weeks before the intern year started, mostly because I had finished my old job and I wanted to make friends and get to know Seattle before starting a job that would take up my whole time and, well, life. I moved into that god awful small apartment in Belltown. I had no friends. I had no clue where to go from there."_

_"Wow, you sure get chatty once you establish the boyfriend-girlfriend thing," Alex joked. For that, he earned one big slap on the shoulder. "I'm kidding, I wanna hear the story," he chuckled. Jo glared at him. _

_"Well, I really don't care if you wanna hear it or not, you are gonna!" she stated half mad at him for interrupting her, half joking. Alex reached over for his girlfriend's hand and intertwined them in her lap. _

_"Go on," he pushed her, rolling the car through a school zone. _

_"Well, alright then. If you can't live without it, I'll tell," Jo winked at him. "So, the first few nights I grabbed a drink at different bars around the city. Going from Belltown to Capitol Hill, over to the University district, nearby the hospital, well, all around. I met a handful of nice guys, but all they wanted was sex. Every freaking time," she explained exasperatedly. _

_"I don't blame them," Alex whispered, earning another glare from Jo. _

_"You know, I probably wouldn't have liked you very much if I had met you in a bar back then," Jo stated. _

_"Babe, you didn't like me much when you met me in the hospital back then, either," Alex pointed out. _

_"True that." She smiled lovingly. "Good thing I screwed up your good graces and got to know you better," she said, squeezing his hand softly. "Anyways," she resumed her seemingly never-ending story. "What I did was I started to go to this diner a lot. I liked it there. It's near Pike Place-," Alex interrupted, _

_"So, that's where we are going," he said. _

_"Putting together the puzzle pieces, good job!" Jo cheered theatrically like talking to a two-year-old. They laughed. "It's cozy and low-key and I just liked it from the first moment I went in there. A__nyways, I sat in there for hours and hours at a time, reading the research I was getting acquainted with at the end of my term at my old job and drinking too much coffee and actually meeting a lot friendlier people than in all the bars. So, one day, this tiny lady comes out, I guess she must be like – I don't know – say, 90 years old? And she comes and sits with me. She tells me how she had been watching me and asks why I was alone all the time. Later, it turned out she's the owner of that little diner and even though she isn't running it anymore, she still bakes all the pies and spends all her time chatting up the customers and friends she has made over decades of working there. Since I started working at the hospital I have been going to visit with Ruth every week. She has been such a sweetheart and I feel like she's my surrogate grandma." She smiled absent-mindedly. Alex watched her for a second. _

_"We spent one night together and you are already introducing me to your family?"_

_Jo laughed out loud. "Well, you could say that," she said earnestly. "Nah, it's not like that. During my run this morning I realized I haven't been to see her for a while now. So I thought we could take a bit of a trip downtown. Is that okay?" _

_"As long as I get food in my system, everything's fine with me," he smiled at her. _

_"Good," Jo watched Alex drive down the freeway exit contently. After parking the car, they got out and went to stand in line. _

_"Are you sure you want to wait in line with all those people?" Alex studied the huge line. There had to be something about that diner that people actually stood in line in the parking lot. Especially, considering how many diners Seattle sported. _

_"I'm gonna go look if there's something I can do about that," Jo smiled at him and walked past the line to talk to the hostess. A couple of minutes later, she exited the little building again and came to stand with Alex. "It's not going to be long. Cathy says it's a come and go this morning," she informed him. "It's Sunday, after all," she added, looking back towards the restaurant. Alex hugged her from behind and Jo leaned back on his broad frame, resting her arms on his, which were bolted around her waist. They waited in comfortable silence, walking up a couple of steps every few minutes. Both of them were in deep thought, when suddenly they heard a young boy's voice talking to them. They both turned around to see 8 year old Bobby Bran running towards them. _

_"Dr. Karev, Dr. Karev," he called out ecstatically. Alex's face lightened up immediately. _

_"Hey, Bobby," he said, rumpling the boy's hair. "What are you doing here?" They both smiled down at the happy boy. _

_"Mom and Dad brought me and my cousin to have pancakes," he said proudly, rubbing his tummy in anticipation. Alex pulled the boy closer to the line. _

_"Hey there, just because you finally got rid of that evil man doesn't mean you can conquer all, especially big cars steering towards you," he scolded the youngster good-naturedly. _

_"Bobby, Bobby, you can't just run off like that," Mrs. Bran came jogging towards them, obviously confused about who her son was talking to. _

_"Mom, mom, look who it is! It's Dr. Karev and Dr. Wilson, mom!" he shouted out excitedly. His mother gave them a surprised look and changed her worried face to the friendly demeanor they had met her in before. _

_"Oh, hi there," she said, still bewildered about the meeting. "I guess I didn't expect that surgeons ever get off," she joked awkwardly, before her husband joined them with another boy seemingly the same age as Bobby. They laughed. _

_"Doctors," he exclaimed, seeing them for the first time. He shook both their hands, looking pleased. "So, you've heard about Ruth's famous pancakes?" he asked, all of them adopting a good mood. _

_"Ah, well, I do prefer her salmon-scrambled eggs on hash browns with the bacon crust," Jo answered smilingly. Mr. Bran nodded excitedly, _

_"Well, somebody knows the menu pretty well," he laughed. _

_"Dr. Karev, have you taken another evil man out of somebody else?" Everybody smiled at the boy. _

_"Actually, Bobby, yours has been the last one conquered for a while," he sighed. "Which is a good thing," he added, winking at the boy. _

_"Yeah. Food wasn't so great in there. I wouldn't wish it on any other kid," Bobby stated thinking hard. The adults laughed. _

_"No kidding, buddy," Alex agreed. The mood was very nice. The adults small talked another couple of minutes while making their way up the line. _

_"Dr. Karev," Bobby interjected again, "you never told me Dr. Wilson was your giiiirlfriend," he chuckled wildly and high fived with his cousin. _

_"Bobby!" his mother reprimanded him. _

_"Well, Bobby, you never asked," Alex only replied, enjoying their little chat. _

_"Jo," the girl at the seating chart called out which made them both jump. _

_"Well, that's us," Jo announced happily, turning to the Brans. "It was so nice seeing you again," she told them. _

_"Take care, Bobby," Alex said, bumping knuckles with his young patient. He said his good-byes to the parents and followed Jo, who was already led to a little table by the window._

_"That was weird," Jo stated, watching the Brans from the window while Alex studied the menu. He looked up at her in confusion. _

_"Weird?" he asked, making her look at him and sigh. Before she could explain, she was interrupted by the waitress. _

_"Jo, hey, how are you?" the middle aged friendly looking waitress exclaimed. _

_"Sarah! Hi!" Jo got up and hugged the lady. Sarah smiled at Alex who smiled back politely. They small talked a bit before ordering coffee and their respective breakfasts. Sarah hurried away to place the order, Jo's eyes following her to the counter to look for what Alex thought might be Ruth. He reached for her hand and took it in his softly to get her attention. She looked at him smiling. Alex waited._

_"I guess I'm just not used to being seen with you. No that got out wrong. I'm just not used to people realizing that we are a couple. It's weird," Jo tried to voice. Alex looked at her empathetically. _

_"Everybody knew about you and Jason," he noted after a while. Jo sighed and took Alex's second hand in hers as well, intertwining them both. _

_"I didn't mean I don't want to be seen with you, Alex, the only thing I meant was I am not used to it yet," she said, kissing his hand softly. Sarah was back with their coffees and they thanked her before getting back to their conversation. "And also, it's a lot harder with you than it was with Jason," she rounded up._

_"Okay," Alex stated questioningly. "Why is that?" _

_"I don't know. I didn't care at all what people thought about Jason. I wasn't serious about him. I really didn't care. They could have thought whatever the hell they wanted. I didn't care if they liked him or approved of him or anything. If you remember, you were actually the only person I asked for their blessing because I did care what you thought. With you, it's different," the last sentence was a little quieter; Alex struggled to not miss a word. __"I feel like you are so different from anyone else I have ever dated. I just, I feel like this is really serious. And I want the world to know that. And I need them to see what they're missing out on. And how lucky I got. And how much I…I..," Jo fought for words and simultaneously tried to not ruin the casual setting they were in. Alex smiled and stroked her arm up and down._

_"Alright, I think I understand." He smiled at her. _

_"Do you really? Because it's important to me that you know that I am absolutely not jumping from one bed to the next. It's important to me that you know that I lo-," but Jo couldn't finish her sentence because Alex had reached over and kissed her. The kiss was soft and longing and as usual, expressed far more than they could ever say. They broke breathing a little faster._

_"I know," Alex just whispered, their foreheads still touching. Alex wondered what had gotten into him. Never in his life had he imagined a situation like this, when he would act as he kept doing with Jo. She smiled at him. _

_"Now you are thinking how mushy we are," Jo teased. Alex chuckled and pulled back, leaning back on the bench. _

_"Yeah, actually, I am," he replied._

_"Well, if it makes it any better, I am not used to such a show of affection either," she said truthfully. "However, I feel like I can't tell you enough," she sighed. "I don't know why but I still feel like we wasted so much time," she looked at him questioningly, as if she expected an answer to her odd feelings. _

_"I don't think it's a feeling of wasted time. After all, if we wanted to we have our whole lives before us," Alex contemplated. "What I think is nagging you…," Alex slowly fumbled for the right words. Jo looked at him curiously. _

_"Go on," she chuckled slightly. _

_"I think you unconsciously blame yourself for not wanting to realize your feelings for me before," Alex said, nervously looking down at his coffee. Jo laughed. _

_"Oh! Is that so?" _

_"I'm not trying to say I'm irresistible – which by the way, I am," Alex remarked. They laughed. _

_"Agreed!" Jo called out. Alex turned serious again. _

_"I am trying to say that I think you reprimand yourself for not believing in your feelings for me and you unconsciously blame yourself for going into the relationship with Jason." Jo looked at him with big eyes. She didn't know what to say. She also didn't exactly know how to read Alex's words. Was he saying he was blaming her? Or was he actually concerned she was torturing herself? She bit her lower lip. _

_"Alex…," she began to shape the words in her mind. That plan didn't go too far because a tiny little – seemingly ancient – lady was hugging Jo from the side. Jo laughed in surprise and turned to hug her friend back._

_"My dear girl, why haven't I been seeing more of you?" the old lady croaked. Alex had to smile. Jo's description of the woman fit her one hundred percent. The girls parted and Ruth sat down on the chair besides Jo. _

_"I am so sorry, Ruth, I have been super busy at work – you know, with the storm and all – and then I had lots of stuff going on privately…" _

_Ruth smiled understandingly, patting Jo's hand soothingly. _

_"It's fine, it's fine, you youngsters have a life to go after, don't you?" She winked at the younger woman. __"So, I see you finally brought your special someone to meet with me," she exclaimed cheerfully, observing Alex good naturedly. Alex smiled at Jo's slight blush creeping up her cheeks. _

_"Yeah, Ruth, I wanted you to meet…," Jo started like a schoolgirl bringing her date home to meet her parents. Ruth waved a dismissive hand at her. _

_"I know who he is! Well, shake my hand, Mister! I have heard lots about you, now I finally get to meet you. I hope you are treating this very special girl with due respect, Jason," Ruth said with as much enthusiasm as she could, shaking Alex's hand firmly._

_"Oh no, Ruth, this is not Jason," Jo exclaimed panicky. "This is Alex," she added. Ruth raised her eyebrows, looking back and forth between the couple. _

_"You mean, this is Alex, the doctor you have been talking about nonstop since you first met him?" Ruth asked half confused, half amused by the situation. _

_"Ruth!" Jo bleeped, Alex chuckling. _

_"Well, it's not as if I'm telling lies," Ruth winked at Alex. "Well, as you can hear, I have heard lots about you as well," she told Alex. Jo bit her lower lip again, looking at Alex seemingly embarrassed. "So, what happened to Jason?" Ruth didn't blink an eye about her curiosity. _

_"How can you tell that I'm not still seeing him?" Jo asked cautiously. Ruth chuckled and leaned back in her chair. _

_"You are cute, girl. The entire café can tell that you guys are madly in love with each other," Ruth informed them, making them both blush. She didn't seem to notice that she made the couple slightly uncomfortable. "I am happy for you, Jo. I don't know why but I always felt like I wanted to meet this young man before Mr. Jason," she contemplated. "Alex has seemed a lot more important to you. There must have been some truth in that." She smiled, pleased with herself. Sarah, the waitress, brought both their breakfast plates. Jo was considering what Ruth had said, not touching her food._

_"So, my relationship with Jason seemed off to you?" she asked her truthfully. "I mean, how could you tell Jason wasn't the right guy for me? And why didn't you tell me?" Ruth considered this. _

_"You know, Jo, you are young. You need to find your own way. Jason might have not been the guy but the time with him most certainly taught you something, didn't it? I can't tell you how many things I have done in my life that I thought wouldn't have been necessary. However, in the long run, there's usually something you wouldn't have done later on or you wouldn't have learned unless you walked the way you chose initially," Ruth pondered. Alex couldn't believe how easily Jo talked to that woman. Also, he couldn't believe how Jo didn't seem to mind him being there. Jo was deep in thought. She startled, when Ruth suddenly got up and clapped her hands. "Alright, darlings, you enjoy your breakfast and I will come chat some more later on," she said and already busied herself again, waddling towards the kitchen. __Alex had started his food which he dubbed as most delicious. Busily shoveling eggs and bacon into his mouth, he needed a while to register that Jo hadn't touched her food yet. _

_"Earth to Jo," Alex waved his fork in front of her. Jo smiled. She took her cutlery and started eating. Alex realized, she still wasn't back to real life yet when she kept them in silence. He reached under the table to pat her knee. "Hey," he said softly, connecting their eyes, "we're going to survive this together, okay? I'm not leaving you alone in this," Alex reassured her. Jo smiled. She sighed. _

_"You are the best, you know that, right?" Alex nodded enthusiastically with his mouth full. Jo laughed, relaxing a bit. They finished their breakfast and Sarah offered them dessert, which they declined politely, Alex rubbing his stomach in pleasure. They sat in comfortable silence for a couple of minutes, sipping their coffee._

_"You need to talk about it, you know," Alex picked the conversation back up where they left it, looking at her earnestly. _

_"I know," Jo sighed heavily, putting her face into her palms, rubbing her eyes before taking Alex' hand into hers again and started playing with his fingers. "It's just, I can't figure out why everyone seemed to see what a jerk he was except for me," Jo stated exasperated. _

_"Who figured that out before you?" _

_Jo rolled her eyes. "You?" she asked slightly confused. _

_"Nah. Of course I thought he was a jerk. I mean he got you when I didn't. Also, I thought he was an idiot – which means I didn't like him. AND I didn't appreciate how he was doing his job much. But no, I didn't see coming what happened then," Alex concluded, shaking his head still not wanting to believe what he knew happened with them. _

_"Well, Ruth seemed to know about it," Jo said half-heartedly. _

_"Ruth didn't see something like that coming, either. All she said was that you seemed more eager about telling Alex stories than Jason stories," Alex tried to calm her. "Just because some people aren't perfect for each other doesn't mean the relationship is meant to escalate like it did with you guys," he added, caressing Jo's cheek. She looked at him with all her guard down. Since the day he found her on his porch he realized now, she hadn't let him see how vulnerable she really was. _

_"I don't know, Alex. Sometimes, I think, I must have seen it coming. I mean, how could you not see something like that coming? How could you just be in a relationship with someone and from one day to the next he hits you? I mean, I moved in with that guy! I shared a bathroom, a bed with that guy. I freaking slept with him," Jo seemed to panic slightly, tears pricking her eyes. _

_"Hey," Alex soothed her, taking both Jo's hands into his. "Hey, it's okay, it's alright, you are safe now," he told her repeatedly. "Nobody could have seen that coming, you know that. You need to stop blaming yourself for that," Alex said, trying not to think about what he wanted to do to this guy for hurting his girl as he did. Jo looked up at him, smiling slightly. _

_"I don't know what I would do without you," she said. "Ruth is right. I would probably have never admitted my feelings for you unless Jason hadn't messed up so royally." She took a deep breath. _

_"I don't want you to go find positive outcomes from what he did to you. What he did was horrible and there's nothing more to that. If he hadn't hit you, we wouldn't be together? Come on, Jo, you're not serious, right?" Alex got somewhat agitated. Jo looked at him patronizingly. _

_"Yeah, because we both know we were acting like perfect adults and if he hadn't hit me, we would be talking to each other again by now. Nuh-uh!" Jo shot back._

_"Well, not exactly. We are a couple of morons - that much has been established. But I'd rather not be with you than knowing he hit you," Alex stated truthfully. Jo looked at him thoughtfully, mulling over what he just said. _

_"So, what are you saying? You'd rather have Jason and me still going out, and you and me not talking?" _

_"Well, yeah, if that means he hadn't put a hand on you," Alex said._

_"What about us? What about all the… I mean… all the…well, this," Jo gestured wildly between them. _

_"Jo, I can't tell you what would have been. I have no idea what would have been. I'm just saying you would have been a lot better off without him hurting you."_

_"You know I hurt him, too," Jo offered for the first time, unsure how her counterpart would take it._

_"Yeah, I saw that," Alex just replied, sighing heavily._

_"That doesn't bother you?" _

_"Yeah, it bothers me. Of course it bothers me. Because I know how unbelievably horrible he must have hurt you for you to put him in the state he was in when I found him," Alex hissed. Good thing they were seated in a corner booth, people couldn't hear a thing from where they were and with all the noise coming from the other diners. Sarah refilled their mugs and they both smiled at her gratefully. "But Jo, you are not naturally violent. You just have had enough in your life. You know how to defend yourself – thank God you do, otherwise you most probably wouldn't have been able to come to my place on your own afterwards. You wouldn't have hit him, if he hadn't bothered you, right?" Alex looked at Jo expectantly. _

_"Probably not, no," Jo said reluctantly. "But it still wasn't okay for me to…"_

_"No, it wasn't. It wasn't okay. But it was justified. At least, it was in my opinion. And I'm not saying that because it was you he hurt. Any woman should protect herself from what is coming her way, heck, any person should protect him- or herself. It's not a girl thing. It's not okay for females to hit, either. The thing is, most guys are a lot heavier and stronger and can hurt more easily than women. No offense. And aggression is more common in males than females. It is what it is. As said before, if you wouldn't have done it, I would have killed him, and yes, I'm scared of that too. I was so angry at him I couldn't even think straight. And with me it wasn't self-defense. So stop treating yourself like you are the monster in this. You're not. Defending oneself is nothing to be ashamed of," Alex spit out angrily. _

_"I'm sorry," Jo said._

_"What are you sorry for? I don't mean to 'tell you off', I just can't have you thinking you did something wrong," Alex said impatiently. _

_"You are getting pulled into this mess and I don't even know what to do about it myself," she apologized. _

_"Jo, I wanna be in this with you. Because it's not a 'what would have been' but a 'it is what it is' and in this one, I am with you now, and we for once chose to bury our gazillion differences and tell the other what we mean to each other. We got over our childish fight and we got over how it's actually not so gross to do it with one another but really – at least for me as the guy in this relationship - the only thing I wanted to do since I first saw you. So, after getting over all that crap, now we're getting over Jason. I mean it, take your time and all, but don't exclude me. Cause – shown by example A sitting opposite the table from me: 'Present Jo' – she jumps to completely messed up conclusions about what happened to her," Alex said, trying to get a little teasing tone in the last statement. _

_"I still can't believe you," Jo frowned._

_"What?"_

_"I still can't believe how you… what you… I mean, why would you do all of this? You seem so organized, so… well, you seem to be good with this. I don't even wanna ask why you are managing this like a 90 year old with just as much experience as wrinkles on his back."_

_"I must have been a really crappy friend to you," Alex said._

_"Why would you say that?"_

_"Because apparently you know nothing about me. This is who I am. I will always be there for you. I will always try to protect you from something. I promise, if we ever break up it's because of that reason exactly. I'm a freak," Alex chuckled. Jo looked at him sideways._

_"You are my freak," she whispered, "come here," she gestured, pulling his face over the table and kissing him hard. Their foreheads still touching, Jo closed her eyes and shook her head. "I don't know anything anymore. It's just so confusing and I wish it'd all go away". _

_"It will, in time. It's gonna leave a scar but it's going to heal. I promise," Alex said, pecking her lips again. They leaned back slowly into their respective chairs. _

_ Alex looked at her deeply in thought. "What?" Jo asked him. Alex just shook his head, realizing that he hadn't put on his blank mask. "Hey, ask away, I owe you answers, I know that," Jo whispered, fidgeting in her seat uncomfortably. _

_"You don't owe me anything, Jo, you don't owe anything to anyone," Alex stated with emphasis. _

_"You know what I mean," Jo argued. "Tell me, come on!"_

_"I don't know, Jo, this might be too intimate," Alex voiced his concerns. _

_"I don't think there's something I don't want to share with you," Jo said honestly. _

_"Alright, you don't have to answer though, if you change your mind," Alex said. Jo nodded in agreement. Alex fumbled for the right words. "I totally realize I just said I don't wanna talk about what would have been… but… what do you think? Would you still be together if he hadn't messed up? I mean, you had feelings for him, right? Otherwise you wouldn't have moved in with him, right?" Alex looked at her uncertainly. Jo looked at him in concentration, biting her lower lip again, trying to form a reply in her head. She didn't know what to say. She had been thinking along the same lines as Alex had. _

_"I admit, I am not sure. See, if we hadn't fought, I wouldn't have come to your house or would have asked for refuge. You and me, we would probably still not be on speaking terms and I would still be living with Jason. You wouldn't have any reason to tell me that you love me," she recounted the scenario. "And I would probably still be grasping for reasons to be with Jason," she added. Alex looked up at her in surprise._

_"What do you mean by that?" _

_"Well, it wasn't like I was madly in love with him. I mean, of course he attracted me. And I liked him. But it wasn't like I wanted to spend my life with him. I guess, I just needed something in my life to change; I needed some stability. So, I moved in with him. I never really thought much about it. Now that I think of it, I must have definitely known about my feelings for you. I just didn't want them to come to the surface. I needed you as my friend. I don't know. This is all so stupid when I think about it now. Ugh, that irritates me," Jo sighed. Alex nodded. _

_"Well, let's leave the 'what would have been's behind for today, what do you say?" _

_"Music to my ears right now," Jo answered with a small smile. Alex caught Sarah to get the check, while Jo was looking for Ruth to say her goodbyes. She spotted her over at the Brans' table. Ruth saw the couple and waved them closer. _

_"Jo, Alex, I want you to meet my nephew and his family," she said joyfully. The whole party looked surprised at their second meeting that day. _

_"Ruth, these are Bobby's doctors! How do you know them?" Mr. Bran asked curiously. Ruth looked between her nephew and Jo before focusing on both doctors. _

_"You are the doctors who fixed my sweet Bobby?" she said tearfully, already engulfing them in a hug. They both raised their eyebrows in surprise, looking at the Brans who chuckled and Alex patted the old lady's back awkwardly. When she let them go, she still held their hands. "Oh, Jo, I didn't even know you were operating on the young ones," she said. "And your Dr. Alex… if I had known you were the one saving my little Bobby… oh, you are such a good man," she said, not believing her ears. Jo and Alex both laughed. _

_"Well, it's my job," Alex said quietly, Jo nudging his side. The Brans smiled. _

_"So, how do you know each other?" Mr. Bran repeated his question, intrigued. _

_"Well, when my dear Jo moved to Seattle she came to visit me regularly and since she didn't have anyone we became a little family, haven't we?" Ruth winked at Jo who smiled. _

_"Yes, indeed," she said, touched. _

_"And this fine young man I just met. They're a couple, you know," she said, nodding at the Brans knowingly. They laughed. _

_"You don't say, Ruthie," Mr. Bran laughed. After a little more small talk, they parted ways and Jo and Alex left the diner almost visibly a little more light-shouldered. _

Jo looked at Alex playfully. "What?" he said defensively, signing the check the waiter had brought them a while ago.

"You tend to tell really long stories, now that we are boyfriend and girlfriend," she winked at him, earning a glare from Alex and she laughed out loud. "Aw, I loved that story, thank you for being so truthful," she told him earnestly, trying to catch his eyes. He smiled.

"Well, I'm glad you liked it," he said. They left the restaurant and got in the car. They drove home in silence, enjoying the last few minutes to themselves. Alex parked the car in the driveway and helped Jo up the staircase. Before they turned the corner to unlock the front door, Jo slowed down and hesitated. Alex turned around.

"What is it?"

"This was a really nice first date," she commented slowly. Alex smiled.

"Yes it was," he said. They shared an awkward moment.

"So… I wouldn't have picked you for the careful type of guy," she said. Alex frowned.

"What are you saying?"

"Well… with this being our first date and all… aren't you going to kiss me goodnight?" she smiled at him expectantly. He let his head fall to his side and rolled his eyes. They stood there for a second, Alex considering the situation. After that second, he caught her waist and pulled her a little closer. Jo placed her hands on his shoulders and waited in anticipation. Alex bowed down and kissed Jo softly, just like on a first date. No tongue, no intrusion, just a light, romantic version of 'when can I see you again?'. He pulled back and looked at her.

"Thank you for dating me tonight," he said, making it as realistic as he could. Jo gave him a genuine smile.

"I can't wait for the next one," she said, honestly. And with this they walked inside to meet with Lauren.


	15. Chapter 15

When they had said their good-byes to Lauren they walked up the stairs together and into the bedroom. Jo sat down on the bed and got off her strappy high heels, yawning. Alex took off his suit jacket and hung it back in the closet.

"I'm going to use the bathroom really quick and then I'll go over to sleep in the guest room," Alex informed Jo businesslike. Jo looked up at him in surprise.

"No, Alex, you should stay here," she said, looking at him directly.

"I don't know, Jo. Really, we should handle this more carefully. You're probably gonna wake up in the middle of the night and startle when you see me. And I want you to be comfortable about everything. _Ease_ into things, if you remember, what Mina told us?" Jo smiled at him.

"Don't you go using Mina's words on me! I know what you think about her," Jo snickered. Alex rolled his eyes.

"I'm serious, Jo. It'll be better that way," he said again. Jo looked unsure. She hesitated before taking a couple of steps towards Alex.

"What in this world do I have to do or say to just make you stay with me tonight?" She gave him a small smile, raising her eyebrows in expectation. Alex sighed but didn't reply. "I mean it, Alex, it'd make me feel a lot better if you stayed close to me. And we're just sleeping next to each other. I promise, I won't attack you or something," she said mockingly. Alex chuckled humorlessly. "You know, with all my nightmares and staying at the hospital the last month or something like that, I could use someone to comfort me. And I really want you to be that person," she explained further, still not getting a reaction out of him. "Am I making you that uncomfortable? Didn't you miss me at all?"

Alex gave her a warning look. "Stop twisting my motives," he hissed. "Even though I know you know I will tell you again: you know by now how much I have missed you. I just don't think we are there yet. This has nothing to do with easing into your life again. You dated Jason, he hit you, you woke up at the hospital, learned you had lost your memory, learned we had married, learned we had kids together, and three weeks later we sleep in the same bed?" he recounted the Jo-version of their timeline for her. "It's just not right, Jo," he said, taking her hand in his for comfort. She looked at him dejectedly.

"And once again you make me feel like you don't need me at all," she said, smiling sadly.

"And once again you are wrong," Alex just said, stroking her cheek softly before turning around to go do his bathroom routine. When he came out she had changed into a pair of grey joggers and a shirt. She looked at him like a lost deer. He laughed. "You make it so hard to say no," he said. She smiled cheekily.

"Well, I'm trying," she said.

"Good night," Alex told her with determination. Jo's lips were only a thin line and she looked something in between mad and defeated. She sighed deeply.

"Good night, then," she said, walking into the bathroom. Alex closed the bedroom door behind him and walked towards the guest room. When he turned on the lights and looked at the barely ever been used bed, he thought about what they had just talked about. He was only trying to do the right thing. It was too early for them to share a bed. Alex didn't know if he denied her the contact due to her being vulnerable and hurt or if he denied it to her because he was scared of his own emotions overwhelming him. Who knows what would happen if they shared a bed. He had been restraining himself so hard. It was fine. He loved her. It wasn't a big task to pass on their physical relationship for a while in light of what had happened. But once they were sleeping in the same bed… he couldn't promise nothing would happen. And he was sure she wouldn't fight him off either. She rather anticipated something like that considering her moves at the hospital. However, he still couldn't shake the feeling of mistreating her. He couldn't do it. She was vulnerable. She was hurt. She had freaking lost her memory. He couldn't pretend nothing had changed. He just couldn't.

Alex switched the lights back off in the guest room and closed the door. He turned around and quietly walked down the stairs and got himself a bottle of water from the fridge. He sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. No way was he going to be able to sleep right now. He turned the volume down and let the movie engross him. He needed distraction.

Upstairs, Jo had finished her wash-up and got ready to go to bed. She switched off the overhead lights and slipped underneath the blanket on what she thought had to be 'her' side of the bed. The bed was comfortable and she felt somewhat relaxed. She turned off the bed lamp and looked around the room in the dark. She didn't wanna sleep in this room without Alex. It was his room. Of course, she knew it was _their _room, but she needed him to be with her. She felt odd. But she didn't find the strength to win the argument they had about sleeping arrangements. So she tried to fall asleep on her own. Even though she was longing for him so much, especially knowing he was only feet away.

_Alex's feet were running as fast as they could. He had been paged a dozen times by different doctors to the E.R. Arizona. April. Jackson. Two nurses. Arizona, again. Shepherd. Meredith had been calling his cell phone frantically. He just got out of the emergency surgery he had scrubbed in on 4 hours earlier. What the hell was going on? Alex didn't even wanna think what had happened. Jo still hadn't replied to his messages or picked up her phone. He pleaded with the universe that all those pages and calls to meet everyone in the E.R. weren't related to the fact that Jo hadn't contacted him back. She had fallen asleep in front of the TV certainly. He was sure of it. Alex didn't even notice all the turning faces that he passed; his mind was only focused on one thing. Get to the E.R. at high speed. He could feel fatigue coming over him – from exhausting himself at the OR all day – and at the same time sharp alertness from not knowing what was going on behind the E.R. doors. He sped up the last few corridors and there he was. Finally. He pushed open the E.R. doors forcefully, meeting chaos. It was mayhem in there. First thing he thought to himself was "Thank God" – they paged me for assistance. There were wounded people everywhere. Children crying, nurses yelling to doctors, crash carts actively beeping in the trauma rooms. There was one very prominent sound to his ears though that he could make out through all the bustling and pretty high acoustic level. He followed the noise. He had to be wrong. This couldn't be… _his _kids screaming and crying. Right? _

_Without thinking he tore open a curtain and was immediately greeted by shock. Meredith and Arizona's eyes met his and they mirrored horror. He looked from one baby to the other, they were both screaming their lungs out, Ethan wearing a head bandage. He froze. Arizona turned around and opened her mouth to say something. _

_"What the hell happened?" Alex came back to life immediately reaching for his son and hugged him to his body, shushing and petting him, whispering soothing words close to his ear while he was mustering his daughter skeptically who was still in Meredith's arms. His knees seemed to slump, he trembled slightly but held himself tightly to the baby to steady himself. Once Madison saw him, she immediately tried to wriggle out of her aunt's arms and cried for her father. He took her into his arms as well, trying to calm them both, which seemed impossible. He looked back up at the women. "Would somebody tell me what the hell happened here? Where's Jo?" They both looked at him desperately. His windpipe tightened. _

_"Alex, you need to calm down, please," Meredith said, trying to reach out for his shoulder. _

_"What happened, Mer?" he asked her sharply, not letting them off the hook. "Where the hell is my wife?"_

_"Alex," Arizona tried to make her voice steady. "There was a mass pile-up on 99," she started, gesturing at all the beds in the E.R. Alex closed his eyes. His guts felt like they contained a million tons of lead. All his concerns were being confirmed. He was one hundred percent sure Jo had taken the 99 when she had gotten off work and driven over to Ruth's as this was the last information she had passed on to him. He opened his eyes back up and shook his head frantically looking at Arizona. _

_"Please tell me she's alive," he said, pleading with her. Arizona nodded quickly, looking over at Meredith questioningly. Alex followed their exchange. _

_"Alex, Jo came in severely injured. She was one of the first ones coming in but still __we don't know how long she had been lying in her own blood at the scene. She came in with a bad head injury and contusions and probably fractures all over her body. Derek and April are operating on her right now," she explained, looking frightened. Alex looked up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears in. He felt lost. His friends had just told him that his wife and kids had been in a serious car crash and his wife had been operated on for God knew how long already. He looked at his kids rocking them softly. "I'm so sorry, Alex," Arizona said, squeezing his arm._

_"Do you have any updates on her condition?" he tried to collect himself. _

_"Last time I checked was 20 minutes ago. April had fixed Jo's shoulder and arm and was working on a liver bleed. Derek has been trying to get to the brain bleed the MRT showed," she looked at him sympathetically. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. _

_"Where's the bleed?"_

_"Left parietal lobe," she said, looking tense. He nodded. He looked down at his kids. _

_"Have you checked them out yet?" he asked frantically. Arizona nodded and got out the paperwork. _

_"We checked them both thoroughly. Ethan has suffered a small head wound but it's only superficial. Maddie seems completely intact. They're both in shock, though," she looked at them sadly. _

_"Are you sure there isn't anything else? Inner bleedings? Concussions?" Arizona shook her head. _

_"We checked, Alex. They're fine. I swear. The paramedic who brought them in told us about what he saw on the scene. Your car was turned around 180 degrees and another one had crashed into the driver's side. The backside was completely intact. The paramedic guessed that Jo's last action was trying to get the kids out of the way," Arizona gulped. Alex looked at her without any emotions. Arizona put her hand over her mouth. "Alex, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I meant her last action before the cars crashed, of course. Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Alex. Derek and April are doing their very best, you know that. It's not over yet," she rambled, her eyes glistening with tears. _

_The kids had stopped screaming their lungs out and they had both put their heads on their dad's respective shoulders, whimpering quietly, both of them completely red in the face and sporting swollen eyes. Maddie had put her thumb in her mouth while Ethan just looked completely distraught, eyes wide open, looking into space. Alex tried to collect himself again. _Fuck. What the hell was he going to do?

_"Do you want us to give them sedatives?" Arizona asked cautiously. He looked at her for a second and weighed the options. He closed his eyes. He needed to go see Jo. He took a deep breath. "You know the amount we're giving babies at their age. They won't even notice. It just makes them sleep without any nightmares. And it's only for tonight. Until we know what's going on with Jo," Arizona coaxed him. When he didn't say anything, she added," They won't let you go, and you know it." Alex looked at her in concern. _

_"I don't know, Arizona," he said truthfully. "I really don't want to. Jo wouldn't want them to be sedated," he said, pain lacing his voice. _

_"Okay," Arizona said, compassionately. Meredith got up. _

_"How about we try to put them down on Peds. Once they're asleep we can go see what's going on with Jo," she suggested. Alex nodded. They walked out of the E.R. _

_"Mer, go find out what's going on with Jo right now, please," he begged his friend. _

_"Alright, will do," she said immediately and ran off the other way. Arizona and Alex rode silently on the elevator. Alex bit his lips. _Don't lose it now, man. Everything will be fine. _They got out on the Pediatric ward and found an empty room that a nurse had already prepared for them. He put Madison into Arizona's arm and kissed and hugged Ethan good night. His heart hurt for his babies. He didn't even wanna know what they must have seen before their very eyes. Ethan didn't make one sound when Alex put him down in the crib and tucked him in. His eyes were still wide open and he was lying on his tummy. Alex patted his head once again before turning to Madison who had already started up crying again. He took her over and started rocking her again and shushed her whispering nonsensical words in her ear. He did this for about ten minutes before she fell asleep and he put her down in the adjacent crib. He turned around towards the nurse and waved her outside. _

_"Dr. Robbins has already given me instructions. I will stay with your kids all night and page you immediately if anything happens," she said trying to sound calm and supportive. He nodded and thanked her. _

_"You should go down to the E.R., they were probably not the only kids injured tonight, right?" Arizona shook her head at his question and looked at him sadly. _

_"I'm so, so sorry, Alex," she said. He just looked at her, feeling completely lost. He didn't know what to do or say or think. He bit down on his lips and he felt how hot tears started falling down his cheeks. Arizona strode towards him and engulfed him in a tight hug. They stayed like that for a while before he pulled back. _

_"I gotta go see her," he said. She nodded, squeezing his hand one more time. _

_"I'm going to come back here and stay with the twins once everyone has been aided," Arizona informed him, Alex nodding gratefully. __He turned around, starting to run towards OR 1 where he knew he would find his wife. He tried to prepare himself for what he was going to see. He slowed down a bit when he came to the entrance of the gallery and looked down on the operating table. There she was, lying on the table, completely naked, completely vulnerable, his Jo, his love, injured from head to toe. He tried to stay calm. After looking down at the scene for a couple of seconds he pushed the intercom. _

_"Shepherd," he said, making Meredith who was sitting in the first row of the gallery, watching the on-goings intently, startle. Shepherd and Kepner both paused in what they were doing and looked up at him. He could see their sad eyes. He immediately panicked. _

_"Karev, I'm truly sorry for what happened with your family," Derek said sympathy lacing his voice. April just nodded. She was trying not to cry, he could see it in her eyes. _

_"How is she?" he just said. _

_"She's doing okay. Her stats are stable and I have successfully removed her liver bleed. I'm closing her up right now. I relocated her shoulder and everything else seems nonsurgical although we will monitor her very closely of course," April said, looking over at Shepherd. _

_"I'm about to remove the bleed. I haven't had any complications yet. I'll be finished in about an hour," he said, looking Alex in the eye directly. He nodded and pushed the intercom button again to let them finish the surgery. Meredith indicated for him to sit next to her but he didn't. After a while he could feel a hand squeezing his shoulder and looked back to see Avery standing next to him. _

_"I'm sorry, man," he said, Alex nodded. At that moment the monitors started beeping loudly. He turned his head around wildly and ran down to knock at the glass. _

_"What's going on?" he yelled panicking._

Alex started awake, breathing fast and sweating. He had had a nightmare. Jo was alive. His kids were alive. Everything was over. They had survived. Alex sat up and took a swig of the water bottle he had gotten earlier. He took a deep breath and looked at the TV. He must have fallen asleep without turning it off. He looked for the remote and hit the button to black out the screen. Then he went into the kitchen and washed his face and his neck. He stood there for a while, calming himself down before going back to the couch and trying to go back to sleep.

The next couple of hours, Alex wrestled with himself in his sleep. His dreams were taking him from one place to the next. He shifted from position to another, not finding peaceful rest.

_They were lying in bed, Jo resting peacefully in Alex's arms, tired from their passionate love making mere minutes ago. She looked at him with gleaming eyes. He laughed. _

_"You really need to stop starting arguments in bed, especially if they're work related," he smirked at her. _

_"Oh, wipe that stupid grin off your face," she replied irritated with her husband, not being able to hide a smile herself. He pulled her closer. "I hate you, you know that," she said, biting his neck playfully, not quite managing to restrain herself. He chuckled. _

_"You love me," he just answered, matching her eyes to his. She looked at him, her eyes shaped like slits. If looks could kill. _

_"Yeah," she admitted eventually. "I do," hesitating shortly. "Jackass," she added. Alex threw his head back and cackled. She smacked him playfully and pulled him into another passionate kiss. _

_The machines were beeping loudly and quickly. He hammered on the glass. _

_"Shepherd, what's going on?" he yelled his lungs out. Meredith had gotten up and had put a consoling hand on his waist, not turning her head from the scene downstairs. Avery tried to restrain Alex from breaking the glass but he wouldn't stop. Kepner and Shepherd were talking frantically and the OR was bustling. His heart was thumping in his chest and he could feel Jo slipping away from him. _

_He looked down at the brand-new baby in his arms. She was beautiful. She was his daughter. She was perfect. He looked over at Jo who was holding their new-born son, watching him in wonder. He stepped closer, trying to catch her eyes. They looked at each other, both sets of eyes glazed over with tears. Jo smiled at him. _

_"Alex," he heard her say, but she wasn't moving her mouth. She kept on smiling. "Alex," she heard her again but she still wasn't saying anything. "Alex, wake up," she said, a little louder._

Alex startled awake for the second time that night only to see Jo standing in front of him, looking distraught. "Jo," he said groggily, trying to sit up. She took a step closer and put a hand on his chest to make him lie back down.

"What are you doing down here?" she asked in a small voice.

"I fell asleep while watching TV," he said, watching her with a confused look. "What are _you_ doing here?" he said, mustering her, seeing her red-rimmed eyes for the first time and realized she was shivering slightly.

"I was having nightmares again," she answered, bowing her head. He stretched out one hand and squeezed her arm. "Can I stay with you?" Jo whispered in a very low voice. "Please?" she added, trying to hold her tears in.

"Of course," he said, regretting his earlier decision of denying her the comfort of his arms during her nightmares. He sat up and engulfed her in a hug. She seemed to melt completely into him. After a few minutes, he pulled her back slightly and looked at her face. "Let's go upstairs," he offered, trying to get up. She shook her head.

"Can we just stay here?" she said instead. He frowned.

"There isn't enough space here. It's not as comfortable. Let's just go back to bed. I'll stay with you, I promise," he urged her. She shook her head again.

"No, I don't wanna go back upstairs tonight. Let's just stay here. There's plenty of room," she said, pushing him down again and crawling over to lie besides him with her back towards the couch. Alex sighed. He put a comforting arm around her and she put her head on his chest. Alex pulled the blanket over both of them and they wriggled into a comfortable position.

"Are you okay?" he asked again. He felt her nodding against his chest. He pulled her a little tighter and rested his chin on top of her head, drawing circles on her back. They closed their eyes and fell asleep instantly, both of them completely drained from all the energy their bodies had put into their respective nightmares.


	16. Chapter 16

Jo woke up, moaning. _God, what's going on? _Trying to realize where she was and why she had woken she blinked a few times realizing she was lying in a very intimate embrace with Alex on the couch. They had shifted a little from their positions they fell asleep in and were now turned towards each other, arms wrapped around the respective other, legs entangled and full of heat. Jo closed her eyes and sighed. _God, Alex, you are so freaking hot. _Jo thought trying to get herself under control. She could feel his very hard penis pushing against her, feeling her own nipples harden at the touch with Alex's staggering upper body, his breath steady on her shoulder. Her breathing was already out of control and she tried to keep her moans back. Every little shift she did, Alex reciprocated. If possible, the only thing he did was coming closer, rubbing against her, making her feel dizzy in her head and extremely wet downstairs.

"Alex," Jo whispered quietly, not quite knowing if this was the best approach to this. But she needed him so badly right now. She got her arms out from under his and wrapped them around his neck to pull her body up a bit, rubbing dangerously close to his erection. "Alex," she said again, trying to wake him. She kissed his cheek and trailed her mouth down his neck. "Come on, wake up," she said with slight desperation in her voice. She felt like she was ready to explode at any moment now. Jo didn't know if it was the situation she was in or if she just felt everything so much stronger after her memory loss or if specifically feeling Alex's body was the reason for _her_ body to go completely crazy but she needed him, now, fast. She kissed him on the mouth. He still didn't seem to wake up, even though she held him so tightly, teasing his penis with her hips. Alex sighed hard and kissed her neck and shoulder which made her groan even louder.

"God, Alex, wake up already," she hissed, eyes fluttering, her heart beating like she had run a marathon. Suddenly she felt how the embrace around her tightened and Alex's head popped up from her shoulder. _Finally. _She thought to herself before Alex kissed her like he had never kissed her before – at least from what she knew. It took her breath away. _God, did he always kiss like that? She needed to die. This was just too much._She kissed him back enthusiastically, her hands fighting with his hair, pulling him closer, his hands roaming her back, sliding down her ass underneath her panties. She moaned loudly, letting her head fall back for a second for him to kiss her sensitive spot next to her left ear. _Alright, this he actually knows, at least now that's a confirmation of them actually being married. _She sighed in content, anticipating a fast move forward.

All of a sudden, Alex pushed her softly back into the couch and she couldn't even look fast enough before he got up and stared at her, unbelievingly. "Alex," she shouted out in surprise. Her hands flew to her cleavage as if to cover something up. She felt vulnerable and exposed, all the passion and heat and want hit back at her with cold air and emptiness. She looked at him with wide eyes. "Alex?" she asked him in confusion and desperation.

"I'm… I'm sorry," he just stumbled out and turned around to walk away.

"No, Alex, wait, no," she called after him, trying to get up but was caught in the blanket. "Alex, wait, please," she called one more time but he didn't. She could hear him taking two steps at a time and closing their bedroom door shut. _Crap. _She felt like crying. What did she do? She couldn't follow him into their bedroom, or could she? He looked mad. He looked furious. She had just decided to go up after him anyways when the baby monitor which Alex had taken with him the night before started to make noises. Jo closed her eyes. Of course. They had kids. And they were up now. _Crap, crap, crap. _She got up and switched the monitor off before walking upstairs. She closed her eyes and took one more long breath to calm her nerves and her still shivering body and walked inside the babies' room.

"Good morning, sweetheart," she said with the brightest smile she could muster. Ethan was looking at her with joy in his face and as soon as she heaved him out of his crib he started babbling and touching her face. She laughed. He was such a precious. "Did you have a good night's sleep? Yeah, did you? Let's look if your sister's awake yet," she talked to him in her highest possible mommy voice. It was ridiculous. She had started it day one. She couldn't believe how easily they had wrapped her around their little pinkies. She walked over to Maddie's crib. The little girl had just woken up and rubbed her eyes while looking at them grumpily. "Oh, Ms. Grumpy has just woken, hi baby, well, good morning," her mom greeted her, leaning down the crib to pat her face, Maddie still looking at her a little crossly. "Oh, somebody really is her daddy's daughter this morning," Jo chuckled. She got up and put Ethan down on the changing table and got him cleaned and ready to play. She kept on babbling with him and had just earned another laughing fit when the door opened up behind her. She turned around to see Alex come in all showered and dressed and averting his eyes.

"Good morning, buddy," he grinned as soon as he saw his little champ. He took him from her hands and started to play planes with him. Ethan laughed as loud as he could. Jo smiled. He was a great dad. She turned around to see Maddie trying to pull herself up at the side of the crib.

"Well, what are you doing, baby girl? Trying to climb up the bars? Careful, that's not a good toy," she said in a sweet voice before picking her up and showering her with kisses that made the little one laugh. She hugged her tightly before walking over to stand with the boys. "Say good morning to your brother and daddy," she told the baby and turned to stand as close to Alex as she could. He leaned over and kissed his little girl.

"Good morning, beautiful," he said with the biggest grin he could muster.

"Oh, somebody made her daddy fall in love with her," Jo teased, putting Maddie down on the changing table and doing the same routine with the girl. When she was done, she turned around and looked at Alex.

"Go ahead and get showered. I got them. I'll go down and make breakfast," he said matter-of-factly. Jo's insides turned when he looked at her fleetingly. _How in the hell did he stay so calm? Didn't she make him just as hot as he made her? _She closed her eyes and sighed. She nodded. He came over and took the girl from her and he jogged down with them, chatting and laughing. Jo went back to their bedroom and took a shower, dressing afterwards. It was a warm day, the sun was out and everything was golden outside because of the leaves. She walked downstairs to find her family sitting in the kitchen. The babies were strapped up in their respective high chairs and both looking like they were having a pancake war and Alex standing at the stove. He didn't hear her come in and kept talking nonsense to the babies about what they were going to do that day. She decided to walk over to him and stood next to him, leaning against the counter, putting her hand on his side and trying hard to make eye-contact. He startled visibly and turned away the same moment.

"What the hell, Jo?" he said, sounding irritated. "I could have hit you with the hot pan." She didn't say anything, just looked at him, frowning. _Why wouldn't he look at her? _

"Just sit down, I made blueberry pancakes. Here," he pushed a plate with a huge stack of pancakes in her hands, not even looking at her. She went to sit next to the twins, looking at his back. _What the hell was going on? _Alex got some yoghurt, butter, honey and maple syrup out of the fridge and sat between the twins. He opened up the yoghurt and started feeding them both in turns, talking to them completely casual. Jo took one of the pancakes and spread yoghurt on it herself. She was confused. _Why did he run out on her this morning? _They sat in silence for a little bit before she dared saying something.

"Alex," she started, making him look up in surprise. Before she could say anything though, he started to talk like he was continuing a previously started conversation.

"Do you still wanna go to the mall today? We have to go shopping for the kids and I remember you saying something about panties that you really don't wanna wear or whatever else…," he said with a grin that was so obviously fake she couldn't believe it.

"Alex," she said again, warningly.

"Oh, and I'm sorry but you really need to be the one picking a gift for April's baby shower this afternoon, I am surely not going to do it," Alex chuckled and she nodded. He was not going to talk to her. When she didn't reply, he looked at her slightly, "you still wanna go to the baby shower, right?" he asked, checking out her reaction. "I mean, if you don't it's totally fine, I really don't have to go," he said enthusiastically. She smiled playfully.

"As if I couldn't read you as well. We are so going to that baby shower," she said looking at him challengingly. He rolled his eyes and turned to Ethan. With a silly face and voice he started talking boys with him.

"We really need to find something to busy ourselves with today, buddy, it's going to be a long day!" Jo laughed and ate her pancakes. When they all seemed to be done, she wiped the kids' mouths and put them in their playpen to have their waters. They sucked on their bottles happily and cooed at each other. She got up and walked back into the kitchen, determined not to let this go. He was standing at the sink, rinsing the kids' bowls and she stood next to him.

"Tell me what's going on, Alex," she said in a sharp voice. He looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"Nothing's going on," he said a little too mad to make her believe. She grabbed his arm and said,

"Alex, come on, you can't be seriously thinking I'm gonna walk away with that answer now. It makes me mad that you seem to believe I'm that gullible." If looks could kill, they'd both be dead. "Alex, come on," she tried again, this time a little more desperate. "Look, I don't know what I did this morning that made you run away from me, I just… I really need you to tell me so I can change it the next time… or… I don't know…," this made Alex turn around. _She actually thought she had done something wrong. She could be so dumb sometimes. _He shook his head and let out a humorless chuckle. "What?" she said offended by his reaction. He rolled his eyes and pulled her close, kissing her passionately on the mouth once more. She moaned loudly, kissing him back enthusiastically not having realized for a moment where this was going. All the built-up desire inside her flared up again and she pulled herself up even more to be closer to him. Their tongues dueled wildly while she entangled her fingers in his hair and breathed in his scent. Alex was roaming her back with his hands again and she could feel every single one of his cells on her. He moved them down to her bottom and moaned. _God, he couldn't do this anymore. He needed to stop. _He pulled away from her, having a shell-shocked Jo look at him in confusion. He took a step to the side and walked by her.

"Let's get ready to go, we have lots to do today," he called back at her casually making her roll her eyes. _What the hell, Alex? You sure are a great help with my feelings. _Jo thought and walked over to pack her purse. Alex had started to put Madison and Ethan in their respective coats and outdoorsy clothing and it looked like he had packed a huge diaper bag. Jo chuckled.

"How long are you planning to be gone for?" she asked, pointing at it. Alex turned his head round slowly and mustered it.

"Well, we'll not make it home before the baby shower," he explained. "We'll be gone all day. You wouldn't believe the stupid amount of stuff these two go through in between those hours. Trust me, the bag will be a lot lighter later on," he winked at her. "You ready?" he asked. She nodded and put on her coat as well. It was getting chilly outside. Ethan was already reaching out for his mother and she took him in with a smile. They walked out and put them in their respective car seats before Alex started to drive them in what she thought might be the direction of the mall. Jo leaned back in her seat comfortably and turned her head to look at Alex's profile. He looked… tense. Jo pondered what to say, how to comfort him – or if she was supposed to say anything. Alex definitely didn't want to talk about it, right? But then again, he was so tense. She could see his muscles clenched. She sighed and swiftly looked forwards through the windshield and had to chuckle.

Alex stopped at a red light and looked at her in surprise. "What is it?"

She looked at him, smiling. "I was just wondering why you were so tense," she explained herself, while he gave her a frown. "And I was half accusing myself for it…but then there's one thing I do remember – one thing that makes you more mad and tense and every other negative emotion than I have ever seen another person become," she said, teasing. He looked at her in exasperation. "Traffic," she voiced as if talking about the villain of the movie they were watching. He rolled his eyes. "Well, give me some road rage, then," she said anticipatory.

"We do have kids, you know," he said slowly. "Driving in the same car right now," he added.

"They'll get over it," she decided quickly, looking at him with a smile. Alex laughed. She sure was crazy. And he loved her. He shook his head and started driving the car again.

"Make yourself useful and look up that freaking baby registry," Alex changed the topic suddenly.

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"I guess April must have sent you an e-mail. Look it up on your phone, I'm pretty sure she did. We're probably the last ones getting something today so I hope it won't be all nipples and weird stuff, or worse, expensive stuff that nobody needs," he mused. Jo looked at him in amusement and laughed out loudly. She got out her phone and searched her e-mails. She immediately found what he was talking about. Opening up the link, she considered the selection of gifts. "So?"

"Nah, we're good. Either they only invited like… very few people," she said, Alex shaking his head slowly. "Or people just love to wait until an hour before leaving for the party to get their gifts," she said. Alex nodded and grinned. Conversation flowed easily the next few minutes and they both seemed to relax a bit more.

"Where are we going?" she asked watching him get on the I-5.

"I thought we'd go to the Outlets," he said, trying to queue in.

"That'll take forever," Jo said questioningly.

"Well, at this point I'm not even sure if going through Seattle will take shorter than going a straight highway to Tulalip. Also there's a lot more choices. And," he slowed, actually looking at his phone. "I was hoping the car people would call me at some point. They actually said, they'd going to be done processing insurance papers by today at the latest. And our car guy is out in Everett," he informed her. Jo raised her eyebrows and nodded.

"Wow, you really have thought this through," she smiled. He looked at her a tiny bit offended.

"What? You didn't expect me to be able to plan a day that actually makes sense?"

"Nonsense," she replied sharply. "I was just teasing," she added. "I'm glad we're going there. As you said – lot's more choices. And I hate malls," Jo explained.

"You don't say," he said mockingly, making Jo smile because he knew her so well. "But you _love _owning new clothes," he said theatrically. Jo laughed and nodded in exaggeration.

"I really do," she said. They chatted about light stuff the rest of the drive which was surprisingly short and they were both glad when they finally turned into the huge parking complex at the outdoor mall. They got out and Jo stretched while Alex got out a single stroller.

"Are we only taking one half of our precious kids?" Jo asked cheekily.

"We are only taking one half in the stroller. The other half," he said, reaching into the trunk. "Will be carried in this baby sling," he finished.

"Why?" Jo asked. "Isn't it easier to push a twin stroller?" Alex shook his head with an unimpressed look on his face.

"We both don't like it much. It's too big and beefy and malls are crowded. It's always easier to take one in a sling," he explained.

"What if both want to sleep?" Jo asked further, putting Madison in the stroller and strapping her up, tucking a little blanket in her lap.

"They sleep in the sling," Alex answered, putting it on.

"I can carry him, you know," she offered. Alex smiled at her in amusement. "What?"

"I'm definitely not the one trying to buy new clothing today," Alex answered. "I think having Ethan around will not contribute much to your new underwear," he winked at her. She smiled,

"You are a great thinker," she added with a wide grin. "Why did we use the twin stroller yesterday if we both don't like it?"

"It's fine when we just go out for a short while and most importantly: don't drive," he said.

"Oh, because it's a pain folding the twin stroller?" Alex nodded at her statement. "Everything makes so much sense," she said, still grinning, pushing the stroller towards the shops while Alex was walking besides her, looking at his phone anxiously. "They're gonna call when they're done," Jo tried to reassure him. "Why are you so anxious about it?" Alex hesitated.

"I don't know," he said, not knowing how much to disclose for her.

"I know how the car insurance thing works, Alex. Remember, I lived in a car once," Jo urged him to articulate his thoughts. He nodded.

"I know. It's just… with telling me what they have decided about it, it feels to me like they decide on how 'severe' the accident was to them. And I really can't have them say that it wasn't actually that bad or something. Because it was horrible," he concluded. Jo looked at him sympathetically.

"Yeah. But as you said – they only decide on how 'severe' it was _to them. _It doesn't really count for how it was to us. I'm not gonna be cross if they tell us we have to pay deductible. It doesn't make it any less bad or dramatic. It really doesn't. I won't feel offended, I promise," she said.

"Well, I will," he said.

"Of course you will," Jo laughed.

"It's not funny, Jo," he reprimanded her.

"I know that, Alex. I'm not trying to whitewash it," she explained, thinking about her past. "Once a drug addict smashed my back window with a rock to try to get to my stuff. I wanted to make insurance cover it but they wouldn't because in their minds it wasn't that bad and it seemed to be my fault because who parks a car behind a public high school, right? I felt like this was really bad. I mean, I was scared. I was scared to death. But they decided it was 'not that bad'," she recalled. "So, really, don't get angry if they make us pay. It's fine, I know the feeling," she said.

"Just because you have experienced douche faces at work before doesn't mean we have to go through this again," Alex said. Jo smiled.

"Don't worry so much," she said, looking at him lovingly. There was a short break in conversation. "So, what are we going to do first?" Jo wondered cheerfully.

"Hmm… kids stuff I guess," he said, pointing at a row of children's clothing stores. She nodded and they headed inside the first one, searching for the winter collection. They browsed through the coats only to be disappointed in their selection.

"Can I help you with anything?" a middle aged teacher-like woman asked them in a friendly voice.

"We're actually looking for winter coats," Jo informed her pointing at the twins. The lady cooed at the babies cheerfully.

"Aww, how cute you two are," she said making Jo smile. Alex rolled his eyes.

"Let's find you something, shall we? I gotta tell you though; you are a little late with your timing. The winter selection is coming to an end since it's already November," she reprimanded them. Jo gave Alex a fake scolding look. He chuckled. "How about these?" the sales clerk asked pointing at two coats, one of them bright pink, the other bright blue. Jo looked at her with wide eyes and turned around to look at Alex questioningly. He tried not to laugh.

"Not exactly what we were going for," he voiced towards the clerk.

"But let me tell you, these sweethearts would look super cute in them. And these are really good coats," she said, trying to make them want them. They both shook their heads.

"Anything else you could recommend?"

"Well, there's only this rack of coats left and unfortunately it seems there aren't many on here that will fit them," she pondered.

"Oh well, we'll find some in another store, then, thanks for your help," Alex finalized the matter and started walking towards the exit, missing the reproachful look the lady was giving him. Jo tried to reverse the stroller and walked after him, giving the lady an apologetic face. When they had walked out, they both snorted.

"Did you see her face?"

"No, what'd she look like?"

"Oh, she was very disappointed with us for not taking the matching coats. And I think she was having an opinion on how we haven't bought winter gear for the babies yet," she said, chuckling. Alex waved the thought away. They walked in three more stores before they decided to get them a dark and a light brown coat, both lined with wool and looking quite warm and comfortable. Alex picked up some more small stuff they had been running out of such as socks and onesies and hats. Jo watched him bemused. "You really don't care a whole lot what we make our kids wear, right?" she asked.

"They're babies. It really doesn't matter what they wear as long as they're warm enough and don't look like they're being brought up by a couple of homeless people," he said, not paying much attention and handing the sales lady his credit card. Jo nodded completely content with how they seemed to handle their family shopping. They walked out and Jo started browsing through a few more shops before they walked in a huge kids department store and got a gift for the Averys' baby shower.

"So, what else do we have on our agenda?"

"Um… do you wanna go get yourself new lingerie?" Alex blushed slightly.

"Sure. Do you wanna come?" Jo asked cheekily. Alex seemed to blush even more which made Jo laugh.

"I think I'll pass," he said, pointing to an Apple store. "You'll find me in there," he said, already walking over to it. Jo rolled her eyes and entered the boutique where she was immediately tended to. She bought 4 sets of lingerie and then she walked inside the next store in which she found herself a new pair of jeans and a couple of shirts and accessories. Approximately 40 minutes later she entered the Apple store and Alex looked at her with a smirk on his face, seeing the fully packed stroller.

"Tell me all this is new underwear," he said, smiling, making Jo blush now.

"No," she said hesitantly. "But a big part of it is, yes," she added sheepishly. Alex laughed.

"It's fine. For once I'm not criticizing your shopping mania. You should feel comfortable with what you're wearing," he said. They walked out the store towards the restaurant quarter to look for somewhere to have lunch at.

"You know, the clothing array I found at home isn't that bad," she said, smiling. They walked into a Mexican restaurant and were seated immediately and ordered some drinks and off the lunch menu. Their conversation was easy-going and not too deep going from one thing to the next. They laughed a lot and Jo felt like they were really moving forward from all their heartache and drama. When they were finished and Alex was just cleaning guacamole off of Maddie's face, his cell phone started buzzing.

"Nice timing," he said, winking at Jo who smiled.

"This is Alex Karev," he introduced himself before listening what the caller had to tell him. He had a short conversation with that person and then hung up, smiling. "They are ready for us to come look at new cars," he said looking like a huge rock had unlatched from his heart and gotten lost. They packed up their things and headed towards the car.

"What time does the shower start?" Jo asked interestedly.

"Um…not sure… 3, I think? It's fine. We'll be halfway back to Seattle once we finish looking at the papers and the cars. We might be a little late but I think we can manage," he winked at Jo, who just giggled. They got everything tucked away in the tiny sports car and Alex started driving towards Everett.

Upon their arrival, their kids had both fallen asleep and instead of taking them out of the car seats, they just took the seats out and walked in.

"Ah, Dr. Karev," one of the older looking people in the lobby immediately strode towards them. He shook hands with Alex and then looked over at Jo. "And you must be Mrs. Karev?" he asked, shaking Jo's hand as well. She smiled, nodding.

"Jo Wilson, hi," she said, not meaning to be rude.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Wilson," he said, a little uncomfortable.

"It's fine," she said smiling. The guy had still not let go of her hand.

"Well, I must say, I'm very glad that I see you standing up and well. I have read the incident report and this could have turned out to be a lot worse," he said, nodding at her. Alex growled quietly, only for Jo to hear. She smiled at the clerk again and squeezed her husband's back for him to stay calm and gave him a pointed look knowing he was getting anxious again about what the insurance people had decided. "Please, follow me to my office," the guy, called Mr. Fairwick, offered. They walked inside and both sat down opposite the big desk that graced the office.

"Alright. We just heard back from your insurance company and they decided that they would cover the costs in total, much to your satisfaction, I hope," he smiled up at them. Jo, who had put her hand on Alex's knee, squeezed it and smiled at him happily. Alex let out a deep breath that he hadn't realized he had been holding and put his own hand on Jo's who intertwined their fingers immediately.

"So, right now, all we have to do is get a new car for you ready, right?" Mr. Fairwick said cheerily, and turned the computer screen towards them. "Have you been thinking at all what car you might favor?" He clicked through a selection of family cars. Jo looked at Alex for him to decide something. He looked back at her.

"Do you have an opinion on it at all?" he asked her, insecurely. She shook her head. "Alright," he turned back to the clerk. "I guess we were fine with the car we had if that's a possibility. We never had any problems with it, gas consumption was decent, we loved the storage space and I'd say the car's security measures had lots to do with my wife and the kids sitting here today," he concluded, gripping tighter onto Jo's fingers. She smiled. So did Mr. Fairwick.

"Not a problem at all, wise decision, even. Well, let's get this started," he turned the computer screen back around and started the paperwork. They sat in the office for another while before finalizing everything and signing new purchase agreements. When they were done, the clerk informed them about when the car was ready to be picked up and they bid their good-byes, the kids still sleeping soundly. When they sat in the car, Alex sighed.

"Well, I'm sure glad that's over," he said truthfully, Jo looking at him in compassion. She leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"You worry too much," she told him again. He turned around, looking at her frowningly. She touched his cheek softly before saying, "Everything's okay now. We have us. We have the kids. Nobody died. We all got out okay. Everything else is just… it doesn't matter. Stop worrying so much about everything," she said, looking at him piercingly. Alex took a moment before he leaned in and kissed her softly.

"I know," he said, pulling back and starting the car. "I just… I can't shake it off. And it's a lot easier to just dive into all those 'superficial' problems than admitting that I'm still pretty shaken because of what happened," he said, Jo being completely taken aback due to his sudden honesty. She leaned over and kissed Alex's shoulder.

"We'll pull through this together, remember," she used the same words he had been telling her like a mantra in the last weeks since the accident and smiled. He chuckled. The drive was spent very quietly except for the one or other comment and as Alex parked the car in an unfamiliar parking lot, he turned around to look at her.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked Jo. She shrugged, turning her face from neutral to grinning cheekily within seconds.

"The question is, _are you_?" she said, her eyes gleaming.

"No," he chuckled, shaking his head wildly. Jo laughed.

"Let's do this," she said, before both of them got out of the car and looked at the baby shower venue with mixed feelings.


	17. Chapter 17

The building was sitting pretty imposingly in front of them and Jo looked up at the inscription.

"So, this is a church?" she asked a little confused. "Since when do people throw showers at churches?"

"Well… April Kepner sure does. She's deeply religious. And also, her family is here. Maybe it has something to do with that as well," Alex tried to explain, shrugging. Jo frowned.

"You're kidding, right? But it's not a mass we're going to….right?" she said, a little insecure. Alex chuckled.

"No. Wild horses wouldn't be able to drag me in there if that was the case. Avery assured me it was just a really nice venue and they had plenty of space in their community center and blah blah blah," he said in a monotonous voice. Jo chuckled at Alex's obvious resentment of the matter.

"So I take it I didn't convert to being a faithful Christian or something in marrying you?" Jo tried to steer their conversation around to talk about themselves some more. Alex snorted.

"No," he said laughing. She smiled.

"Good, I couldn't cope with that on top of everything else as well," she said, feeling relieved but immediately going to bewildered. "I didn't mean to offend anyone, though," she added quickly. Alex frowned and grinned at the same time.

"No offense taken," he stated questioningly. She looked at him in mock exasperation.

"You know what I mean," she said, getting the still sleepy Madison out of her car seat when they had finished unclasping the stroller and successfully getting the baby present out of the fully packed trunk. "I didn't mean to sound disrespectful. Towards other people. People who believe in something more than I do," she said, rambling on.

"God, Jo, nobody's here with us. Stop rambling," he rolled his eyes.

"Well, I don't want you to think I'm disrespectful either," she argued. He looked up at the sky, pleading for mercy.

"Since when did you get so considerate?" he blurted out, exasperatedly.

Jo made a point of walking over to Alex and smacking him playfully, giving him a face. Alex laughed while Jo turned away and tried to not get infected with his laughter as well. Alex had taken Ethan out of his car seat and cradled him on his shoulder while pushing the stroller in front of him towards the entrance. Madison was about to wake up, sleepily rubbing her eyes when they entered the building and stopped, completely taken aback. They just stared.

"What the hell," Alex voiced after a few seconds of trying to digest what they were confronted with.

"I was just going to say the exact same thing," Jo answered in a small voice, not turning away from the mayhem before their eyes. _Oh my God_ she formed with her mouth, not letting any words escape her before turning towards Alex who was also fighting with wide-eye-syndrome. The party that was already in full in progress was huge. The whole hospital seemed to be there.

"Who the hell is working today?" Jo stated the obvious, making Alex shrug.

"Interns?" was his best bet. He couldn't believe it. The Averys always made a point of throwing huge parties – ever since they missed out on having a big wedding party to throw due to them eloping. But this? This was a freaking baby shower. Heck, Alex was sure this was bigger than his senior prom had been two decades earlier. They took a few tentative steps inside when they were immediately stopped by an older red-haired lady. She could have been April's mom. They both weren't sure, though, never actually having met _that _person _or _April's mom. She smiled at them politely.

"Well, hello there, darlings," she greeted them pompously. The couple raised their eyebrows in unison.

"Hi," they both stammered out.

"My name is Karen, I'm the proud grammy on April's side," she shook both of their hands. _Well, there you go _"Go grandbabies!" she added with a raised voice, making the twins jump and Jo trying to keep her laughter in. "Awww, how cute you two are," she commented on the slightly distraught babies. When she wanted to pet Madison's hair softly, the girl started to cry and the lady immediately pulled back her hand and looked at the baby sadly. "I'm sorry, baby girl, are you a mommy's girl?" she asked.

"No, she _just_ woke up," Jo tried to excuse her daughter's behavior even though she didn't blame Maddie for being scared of Mrs. Kepner.

"Well, anyways, come on in, make yourselves comfortable – drinks and open buffet are over there," she pointed at the far wall of the ballroom, "and I'll give you a folder of all the little stations we have prepared for you guys," she said cheerily, already greeting the next incoming guests and shooing them away.

'_A folder,' _Jo mouthed at Alex unbelievingly, making him chuckle and shake his head. They walked a few steps over to make room for people to pass and put their heads inside the so called folder. The said folder looked like a mall directory. Baby clothing decorating station, good wishes book, guess mommy's weight station, picture station, decorate cupcakes station, gifts table, wheel of fortune at which you could win to babysit for April and Jackson or help the daddy put up a crib or pay for the ride home from the hospital, and the list went on and on. When they were done browsing, Alex took the folder from Jo and turned it round.

"Is there a description of how to get out of this thing?" he snarled sarcastically. They both looked at the backside of the folder and gulped. It was a program.

"I can't believe this," Jo voiced, making her daughter stop pulling her hair. "Maddie, please," she said in a slightly scolding tone.

"4 p.m. - Mommies vs. daddies?" Alex read.

"That sounds interesting," Jo smiled.

"Speeches," he read further.

"Boring," Jo commented.

"Gift BINGO," he said, raising his eyebrows, looking over at Jo. "Did we accidentally crash an old people's club meeting?" They both laughed uncertainly.

"This is crazy," Jo whispered, only for Alex to hear.

"Let's sneak out, nobody has seen us yet," he suggested, already putting an arm around her when Avery propped himself up in front of them.

"Not so fast," he said in a judging voice. Jo looked at him with innocent eyes while Alex sighed heavily. Jackson looked at them with mad eyes for a second before leaning closer to them. "If I have to make it through this, so do you," he whispered frantically. Jo's eyes widened and they both chuckled.

"Let's get a beer, then," Alex said, patting Jackson's back understandingly. He looked back at Jo. "You want anything?"

"Bring me back some coffee," she said. "I'll go drop off the present," she added. Alex nodded and walked over to the bar with Jackson and Ethan.

"Well, it's just us girls, then, huh, baby?" Jo smiled at her little darling who was still looking quite grumpy from being woken. Jo pushed the empty stroller back to the lobby where she had seen quite a few others parking. Then she went over to the gifts' table. When she was done, she looked around. She had spotted quite a few hospital employees, none of which she wanted to talk to at the moment, though. She had just decided to stroll over towards the guys when a hand on her upper arm stopped her. She turned around in surprise.

"Oh, hey, Elliott," she smiled at him politely.

"Jo, hi," he said. "I didn't think you were coming," he said sheepishly.

"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked, frowning.

"Um… not sure… you've just been discharged, I thought you might still be a little more careful with the partying," he said, making Jo laugh.

"Yeah, I definitely should have been," she said, not knowing if Elliott caught the drift of her distaste of the party.

"So, how are you?" Elliott asked.

"I'm great," Jo said with sparkling eyes. "Going home was amazing," she explained, sighing dreamily. Elliott nodded. He just wanted to say something else, when they were interrupted by another red-haired lady, this time a lot younger though.

"Hi there, everyone," the woman said. "My name is Kimmy, I'm April's oldest sister," she introduced herself. "I think we haven't met," she said, shaking Jo's hand enthusiastically. Jo smiled, freaking out about all the Kepners showing up everywhere. _How in the world had she identified her as a newcomer at a party with…like…a hundred people around, counting all the kids?_

"Hi, Jo Wilson, I work with April and Jackson," Jo introduced herself.

"Oh, so you are a doctor as well?" Kimmy asked with mock interest, her eyebrows vanishing into her hair. Jo nodded at her with the same fake smile the other woman had plastered on her face. "I swear, this place is crowded with you guys," she said, laughing hysterically. "Last time we threw a shower for ducky, oh excuse me, I mean, April, my sisters and I swore to each other that we would not do it at the hospital again," she explained. "I mean, no offense, but you _have_ to get out of there sometimes, and also the environment isn't good for the kids, right, little darling?" Kimmy turned over to coo at Madison who still had her grumpy face on before whispering towards the adults trying to not include Maddie, "you know, with all the sickness and dying going on," the redhead made a knowing face at them. Jo frowned. _What the hell was that lady's problem? _"So, are you already back at work with a baby that young?" Kimmy asked in what seemed like genuine interest.

"Yep," Jo said, Elliott looking at her. She looked back at him, questioningly. The other lady turned around to introduce herself to him.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, you must be this little sunshine's dad?" Jo who had just turned to talk to Madison snapped her head back up.

"Um, no, no, no, he's not her father," she said a little too defensively. Elliott looked hurt. Kimmy nodded slowly looking at her in disdain. Usually, Jo wasn't the type to show off but she felt a little too awkward in this situation and seemed uncomfortable leaving things like that with April's very… opinionated sister. "My husband's over there at the bar," she pointed him out. "With Madison's twin brother, Ethan," she said, looking at Kimmy piercingly. The woman looked like her eyebrows had been plucked and permanently redone at the height of her hairline.

"Oh, so you _are _married," she said, making Jo shake her head in disbelief.

"Why are you…," Jo started when a horrified looking April crashed into their conversation.

"Jo," she breathed heavily, "you made it," April said, hugging Jo tightly. "Hey girl," she purred towards the baby and kissed the little one's cheek. Jo's former superior turned around to look at her sister in agony. "Libby is looking for you," she said pointedly. Kimmy excused herself and hurdled away before April turned back to them and gave them a desperate look. "Guys, I'm so, so sorry! Piece of advice – never get close to any of my sisters. They corner you. No matter what issue. It's always delicate. They always find the one thing that makes people uncomfortable. They're evil. Stay out of their way," she said, pleading with them. Jo and Elliott both chuckled.

"It's fine, really," Jo laughed. "Are you enjoying your shower anyways?" she asked, sympathetically.

"Oh well, I wish it could have just been us and you guys and you know… Mer and Derek and a couple of other people… but yeah, this is nice, too," she said sarcastically, smiling. Right that moment a preschooler raced by them, chased by what looked like a kindergartner. April turned around and moved after them as fast as she could with her huge belly in front of her. "Liam," she yelled after the kid, "Liam, I said no running," she breathed heavily. "See you later," she yelled back at an amused Jo and her bystander, Elliott. He cleared his throat which made her look at him.

"So, do you wanna get a coffee now?" Elliott asked sheepishly, realizing how many times he had asked her that exact question within the last month. Jo grinned.

"Actually, Alex is fetching one for me," she said, pointing at the bar. Elliott raised his eyebrows with a curious smile and nodded his head in the direction she had just pointed to. Jo followed his gaze. She chuckled at the sight of Alex and Jackson having a laugh over a beer and Ethan looking so much like he belonged to 'the guys'. "Or not," she giggled, looking back at Elliott. "It's fine, though, I'll get one myself later," she said, smiling at him.

"So," Elliott started, immediately blushing, making Jo feel slightly uncomfortable. "How are you doing with him?" Jo frowned at the nurse.

"How am I doing with Alex? Why would you ask me that?" she questioned him slowly.

"Oh, I don't know. Just curious, I guess. Must be really hard and all, right?" he said, beating around the bush.

"Elliott, you really are a great guy. I just… I'm a little… confused about… what you are trying to… um… you know… achieve?" Elliott looked at her wide eyed. He shook his head.

"No, it's nothing. I mean… you know… we make an awesome team at work… and… I thought maybe you wanted to spend some time together off duty as well… because… you know… because we work so well with each other," Elliott rushed out. Jo looked at him a little shell-shocked.

"Ok, I might have gotten this all wrong, please, tell me, you did not just ask me out? Right?" she looked at Elliott expectantly. When he didn't say anything and just shifted from one leg to the other, she sighed. "Elliott?"

"No… I mean… maybe? Would you…," Elliott stumbled out before Jo cut him off vigorously.

"Okay, that's enough, I'm gonna stop you right there. What the hell, Elliott? You do know I'm actually married to Alex, right? We have a family… and… I mean… Elliott, I really don't get it," she stated sharply.

"Well… I know… it's just… I thought… with your accident and all… you might reconsider your life… nobody said that you… you know… have to live the life from before… and Christine has told me… that you didn't even know Alex that well before the amnesia set in… so… I thought… you know…," Elliot hesitated, looking at her carefully. Jo made big eyes at him, turning to angry very quickly.

"Stop, please, you are making a fool of yourself. I'm sorry, Elliott, I don't know what made you think that I would wanna get divorced now that 'I don't know Alex all that well anymore' and go out with you. I really don't. Tell me if there's something I did or what I did to make you believe that," Jo begged. Elliott blushed furiously.

"Nothing, I guess," he said in a small voice. "I just… I thought…," his words running dry.

"Alright, I'm glad. I had been wondering if I was the one who had been leading you on somehow," Jo said, knowing she sounded mean but she couldn't let this slide. Elliott shook his head wildly.

"No, you never showed any interest in me," he said quietly, looking at the floor. For a second, Jo felt like she was talking to a kindergartner.

"Elliott, I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you think I am interested in an out of marriage activity. I really am. But I'm also really pissed that you actually thought, now that I'm vulnerable and slowly getting back to my life and missing a lot of my memories, you would try an advance on me. I really… I wouldn't have thought you're that kind of person. You are a great guy, Elliott, I really believe that but you are running yourself into something that's way over your head. I'm married. I'm in a relationship. I have kids. I have a family. I'm happy. I'm not worth the chase, trust me," she said. She reached out to squeeze his upper arm, making him look up. "I think it's best for you to realize that now and go from there," she said. Jo turned around and walked towards the tables, feeling how upset she was inside. As much as she appreciated Elliott, she always had, he was an awesome team member to work with, she couldn't believe what he had just tried to do. It made her feel that much more vulnerable to the entire world. But on the other hand she was sad for him, since she didn't believe that he would have actually voiced his emotions if they hadn't been that strong already. She wanted to go find Alex. She needed his comfort. All of a sudden an approximately 6 year old boy bumped into Jo and hugged her tightly around her waist.

"Hi Aunt Jo," he shouted out and she just laughed, completely surprised. Before she could say anything, he was already gone off again, racing around at an unbelievable speed. When she looked around for potential parents she saw Meredith strolling towards her, waving and smiling.

"Hey," she greeted her, relieved for someone to talk to that wasn't a Kepner or a sticky admirer. They hugged and sat down at one of the tables.

"I actually brought you coffee. I saw you standing with Elliott over there and thought you might need it afterwards," the elder grinned at her. Jo frowned at her questioningly. "He has been stalking you for years now, it feels," Meredith explained.

"What?" Jo asked her, unbelievingly.

"I mean, stalking is a little harsh. He just… he's really smitten with you… ever since you started your fellowship at Grey Sloan; and he will follow you anywhere, I swear. Everybody knows," she said. Jo couldn't believe it. _Why hadn't Alex told her? _"What did you guys talk about?" Meredith asked, still grinning amusedly.

"He basically confessed his love for me," she said, passing Madison over to Meredith who had been eyeing her actively.

"Shut up!" Meredith exclaimed. Jo nodded exasperatedly.

"He was all like… now that you can't remember your husband or something, why don't you go out with me," she sighed.

"Did he really?" Meredith turned to serious. "I really wanna tell you off right now because I have been telling you repeatedly, don't be that nice to everyone – because that's what happens if you're nice. But it is one thing to have a little crush on someone. But _that_ blows all boundaries," she said.

"I know. It was really awkward. But I think I made him back off now," she said, rubbing her forehead, letting out a frustrated groan. "You know, you would really think, Alex would be kind enough and tell me about stuff like that. All he told me was that Elliott has been fancying me for a while. I had no idea _how much _he fancied me. This is ridiculous. I gotta kick his ass for that one. Ugh," she said, looking over at Meredith who looked concerned.

"So, you haven't talked about much yet, huh?" Meredith inquired. The younger woman shook her head.

"Not much, no. I mean, we have. In therapy. A little about us. A little about the kids. You know, the things that couldn't be skipped smoothly. But other than that, nope, nothing. He's like this great, big wall that I try to climb but he makes sure that with every step I take I slide back to the beginning. You know, it's funny because the therapist told me in our very first session that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable about asking questions because it is_ my_ life that we're talking about. But Alex's reactions to my questions make me feel like I'm poking into someone else's," she sighed, giving happy Maddie a smile.

"Ugh, that sounds like Alex. I'm sure he will open up. Just give him some time. He needs to adjust. As much as I've been telling him to take it slow and let it out and talk about it, he's just… he still needs to get over everything that has happened. By now, I feel like you are coping so much better than he is," Meredith pondered loudly, Jo nodding. She was glad she had someone to confide in who knew Alex at least a lot better than other people. Meredith took a short pause before hesitantly asking the next question. "Have you already been sleeping in the same room?" she looked at Jo expectantly. Jo chuckled. "Ok, that got out really creepy," they both laughed. "I was trying to ask if you noticed that he has been having nightmares. I mean I only found him sleeping in one of the on-call rooms once but he was trashing around, I swear. But then again, that was like right after the accident. I'm not sure about it but I think you hadn't even woken up yet. But maybe he doesn't get too much rest at night either. I think his brain is just on overload. He can't relax. He feels like he needs to protect you every second of every day now," she said. "I think he really does feel like he should have protected you better even though he knows that's complete bullshit," Meredith said.

"I know, Meredith, I know that. And yes, from what I have seen, he does have nightmares. At least he had them last night. I just… the more we talk about our problems communicating, the less we talk about stuff that actually gets me somewhere… you know? I… I just feel like I don't know where to go anymore because I have literally tried everything," she said, sounding stressed out. Meredith sighed heavily.

"Give him a little more time. You know he's a slow processor," she said, winking at the younger woman who chuckled voicelessly. They sat in silence for a bit, sipping their coffees before they changed to small talk. "Have you met April's sisters yet?" Meredith asked Jo, her eyes gleaming dangerously. Jo let out a laugh.

"Only one! Are there more?" she asked, a little uptight. Meredith laughed, sipping on her coffee and showing her three fingers.

"What? God! How could her parents not have stopped with so many annoying kids," she wondered, making Meredith snort.

"How did she get to you, then?"

Jo beamed at her. "So that's another thing everybody knows around here, huh?"

Mer nodded. "They threw her first wedding shower. You know, the one with Matthew. I'm not sure you went there… hm… it was at the hospital, you may even have come by. Anyways, they were really cruel… you know…," Meredith lowered her voice and inched closer to keep their conversation private. "They were under the impression that Kepner hadn't done it yet… so they kinda… teased her about it… it got a little out of hand… anyways, people tried to get out of the invitation for this thing once they heard about her family coming to town. My husband sure did," she added a little pissed. Jo laughed.

"Sounds like them," she said. "Why would they think she _hadn't done it yet, _though?" Jo scrunched up her face in confusion. Meredith chuckled.

"Well, let's say... she was a...," she cleared her throat, "late bloomer," she winked at Jo who had raised her eyebrows.

"That _is _cruel," she voiced, laughing.

"Yeah, it wasn't unfounded but it sure was cruel," Meredith nodded. "And it promoted Arizona, Cristina and me to stand next to her at the altar, being in a very uncomfortable highlighted spot when Avery professed his love for her," she recalled unwillingly. Jo chuckled again trying to imagine. "So, what was it that the sister got you with?" Meredith nosed curiously.

"I talked to the Kimmy one. She was super nosy and sounded a little too judgy about me going to work even though I have babies and then she made some weird remark about me actually being married that I haven't gotten yet," she reported.

"Oh, she was probably under the impression that you had the twins out of wedlock," Meredith answered soberly. Jo looked at her confused.

"Why?"

"You're not wearing your rings, remember? "

Jo's eyes widened and her hand shot up to her wedding set on her necklace. "I forgot about that," she said, pausing for a moment, then going back to frowning. "Why does she care? Who does she think she is?" Meredith laughed.

"Well, she's probably a very well respected….um… housewife… I guess… in Ohio," she explained. "Doesn't care much about seeing bastard children playing besides her perfect angels. And in this big city so far from home… who knows what sinful things people do, right?" Meredith continued mockingly. Jo tried to stop her laughter.

"Alright, alright, I get it, stop making fun of them," she said, hoping nobody had overheard them. That moment, the young boy from before came to their table and breathed heavily, sweating from the running.

"Bailey, you heard aunt April – she doesn't want you and Liam running around like crazy baboons," Meredith scolded slightly while Bailey rolled around laughing about his mom's joke. Jo raised her eyebrows. _Bailey Shepherd_? She had forgotten about Mer's pregnancy. Bailey had a drink of water before he pinched the baby's cheek playfully and ran off again, Meredith shaking her head. "I hope you're preparing yourselves for _that _stage of their lives," Meredith said. "I really wish Bailey could be more like Zola at that age," she said dreamily. Jo smiled.

"How old are they now?"

"Zola just turned 10. She's a fourth-grader right now. She should be here somewhere, as a matter of fact. Usually she and Sofia – you know, Arizona and Callie's daughter – are hiding out somewhere, talking boys," Meredith said, winking at Jo. "Bailey turned 6 this year. He's a very proud first-grader. He was born during the storm. You share your relationship anniversary with his birthday," she said, smiling, infecting Jo. "You should hear him talk about it. He's all like, why do you always have to leave early on my birthday?" Jo laughed, making an "oh so cute" face.

"Poor baby," she sighed.

"Can I please have everyone's attention?" A very annoying higher than average voice sounded across the room. They looked up at the makeshift stage they had created at the far side of the room. A lady who had to be another one of April's sisters was standing behind a microphone looking at the crowd excitedly.

"Oh my," Meredith sighed and turned to look at her.

"It's 4 p.m. and as you have probably read on your programs, it's time for a little entertainment! April and Jackson, would you join me up here, please?" she called out, waiting expectantly. "While these two are making their way up here, I'm going to explain the little game we are about to play. I'm sure all of you know it. We are going to have a little baby-version of _family feud _up here today!" Laughter could be heard everywhere around the room. Meredith looked back at Jo who had raised her eyebrows in amazement.

"They sure have been planning this for a while, haven't day?"

"Alright, what we need is five parenting couples who want to participate in the game. The game will be played _Mommies vs. Daddies_, so, do we have any volunteers?" She looked around the room expectantly. Jo saw two couples walking up to the stage that she didn't know and then Ben Warren making his wife Dr. Bailey walk up there, too, even though she looked like he was gonna pay for that one. Owen Hunt had volunteered himself as well, bringing a person up the stage that she had never seen before. Meredith looked over at her smiling.

"I haven't seen Yang around," Jo voiced carefully, questioningly. Meredith smiled.

"She lives in Europe now," she just said.

"Oh, how come?" Jo asked.

"Well, long story short, she got offered a hospital from her ex-fiancé and with all that had happened during the months before she left, she was ready to move on and just take the chance," Meredith said. Jo nodded slowly.

"Wow, that seems… extreme somehow. I mean, wonderful, if she's happy," Jo wondered. Meredith nodded sadly.

"I think she did the right thing," she said. "I mean I don't talk to her as much as I used to. But she seems really well. And she's doing amazing work at her hospital," she said. Jo nodded apprehensively, keeping an eye on Meredith's mood swing.

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are looking for one more couple up here! Let's see some more volunteers, please? I can't imagine that among all of you guys there aren't any more couples present," she said, laughing happily. Callie came over to stand at their table.

"Jo," she exclaimed happily. "It's great to see you," she said, smiling widely at her. Jo mirrored her face.

"Yeah, you too," she said, again a little irritated by how friendly everyone seemed with each other.

"What a show, huh?" Callie asked them, sarcasm lacing her voice.

"Why aren't you and Arizona going up?" Meredith asked Callie mockingly. Callie rolled her eyes.

"You don't actually believe those cowgirls will let a gay couple spoil their perfect family fun?" Jo chuckled and rolled her eyes as well.

"Please, go ahead, I really wanna see their faces," Jo chimed in, laughing.

"Well, how about you guys, then?" Callie retorted masterfully, giving Jo a piercing look.

"Haha, no, not gonna happen!" she said, sliding around her seat uncomfortably. On the stage, April was waddling over to the mike.

"What about Alex and Jo?" she said, already having figured out where she was seated. Jo shook her head wildly and mouthed a big 'no' at the pregnant woman. April nodded in exaggeration and waved her up. Jo looked around the room to find Alex. Once she found him, she realized he looked just as embarrassed as she must have been.

"Alright, let's cheer them on a bit, shall we?" the sister spoke up again. "Give a round of applause for Alex and Jo," she said cheerily. Jo rolled her eyes and hid her face in her hands.

"Go, go, go," Callie teased her and pushed her up, everybody laughing happily.

"I have a kid to tend to here," Jo said a little louder for everyone to hear.

"No, it's fine, really, I can take care of her," Meredith said, earning an evil stare. She laughed. Jo sighed. Last thing she needed was being at the center of attention and having to show off her parenting skills. _That she didn't have_. At the bar, Arizona had taken Ethan off of Alex who looked quite annoyed as well but made his way over to his wife. She looked at him helplessly. He took her hand in his and pulled her on the stage.

"Jackson will pay me back for this one dearly, I swear," he whispered angrily, only for Jo to hear. They stood up next to Ben and Miranda, waiting for instructions, Jo already feeling like she was going to make a fool out of herself big time.


	18. Chapter 18

"That was cruel and you know it," Arizona walked over towards Callie and Meredith carrying Ethan on her hip. Callie just laughed.

"_That_ she gets for ditching me to switch over to Kepner's specialty," she hissed. Arizona rolled her eyes.

"When are you going to get over the fact that Jo chose to go into trauma?"

"Never!" Callie shot out taking over a happy babbling Ethan, immediately changing her mood and voice to cute and happy.

"Look at them, it's so good to see them together again," Meredith brought their attention back to the couple on stage. Arizona smiled and hummed in agreement while Callie still looked a little cross.

"It's not as if they were broken up or something," she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but they _are_ having a pretty hard time," Meredith countered, defending their friends. Arizona nodded. The ladies watched Alex and Jo listening to the Kepner sister intently.

"They look happy though, don't you think?" Arizona wondered aloud.

"Yeah, they do," Meredith agreed. "I hope they'll find a way to cope with everything that has happened," she added.

"Ugh, they'll be fine," Callie ranted. "Since Wilson actually did seem to have figured him out before and she actually stuck with him all those years even though he is the jackass we all know him as, she won't be running now either," she complained. Arizona looked at her resentfully.

"Give him some slack, will you?"

"Oh come on, as if you don't complain about him all the time as well," she pointed out to her wife.

"Well, but it's not that I don't mean well. I'm exaggerating most of the times. And it's work related stuff I'm complaining about. I wish he wouldn't take all the cool surgeries from me," Arizona mused dreamily. Meredith smiled at their marital banter.

"You gotta give him that he's not dealing with an everyday situation right now," she chimed in. Again, Callie rolled her eyes.

"I don't know what it was that made her fall in love with him – I really don't – but they'll manage. If he could do it then, he can do it now," she said.

"I don't think it's their feelings towards each other that they're fighting with though," Meredith said, turning to Arizona. "We've all been part of their relationship. We've seen them grow. He gets a lot of his self-confidence from Jo," she explained further, making Arizona nod in agreement.

"Yeah. He hasn't talked a lot to me about it but what he said sounded like he's scared that he will go back to being the guy he was before he met Jo," Arizona said. "I'm not saying that he changed for her. Which I don't think he did. I just think he can be more himself with her support and actually say and do as he thinks and not put on that Neanderthal act as he had done for so long before they were a thing," she said.

"Yeah, sounds reasonable. He's the type to conclude to something like that. When I talked to him, he seemed to think along those lines. 'Having 'convinced' Jo once was hard enough'. I think he believes that she'll see who he really is. Which she does anyways. He just doesn't get that she loves him because of it and not despite it. Alex's thoughts have always been way complicated," Meredith contributed. Arizona nodded.

"You wouldn't believe anything has changed between those two, though. Just look at them, they seem just as in love as they always have," she nodded at the stage where Alex and Jo had just looked at each other and talked about something.

"Yeah, I can't tell you how glad I am about that," Meredith said truthfully.

"Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, since when did we get so interested in other people's love lives?" Callie complained.

"Since they are our friends," Arizona countered in irritation. "Imagine it was me who was in the accident. You'd have a huge problem to solve with telling me everything about our lives. We weren't even friends before we got together. You'd have to tell me that I actually love you and we live together and we're married and we have a kid together that I willingly raise as mine but isn't actually mine… you know, it's hard. So, if that was the case, please, tell me, you'd be happy about every slice of support you got from all our friends," Arizona chided her. Callie looked at her in surprise, not having anticipated a speech. Meredith raised her eyebrows and smiled at the speechless Callie.

Meanwhile, on stage, the fun had already begun. The couples had split to their respective teams and the first few rounds had been mastered, much to the audience's entertainment. The mommies and daddies had plucked up some rivalry and challenged each other with pleasure and laughter. Jo was still a little insecure. April was standing beside her, giving her controlling looks every now and then.

"Are you okay?" she asked her, the third time since starting the game.

"Stop hovering, April," Jo smiled at her. "I'm not super comfortable but if that was the worst thing I had to conquer in my life right now, I'd be exhilarated," she winked at her mentor. "And also – too late to back out anyways." April looked at her sheepishly.

"Sorry," she said, quietly. Jo squeezed her arm.

"Don't worry," she said. "Let's win this," she made a face at her and April laughed. The next few rounds were fun and easy and Jo was glad that lots of the questions they asked where more common sense than parenting skills and Jo asked herself if April's sisters had realized that they were all doctors or at least working within a health care setting somehow when thinking of questions of what are the most common kids viruses or what do you have to have at home in your first aid kit especially for kids. They moved up every round and a few minutes later, it was Alex' and her turn to go up to stand with the 'host' of the show and battle against each other. Alex grinned at her wickedly and she returned the face. She could hear people cheer for her but focused on the question ahead. April's sisters, leading them through the show, who apparently didn't know anything about her supposed neutrality, cheered heavily for the mommies as well.

"Oh, this one is an easy one for the mommies," Kimmy said cheerfully. "What are the 10 most popular baby boy names of 2018?" April's younger sister asked. Jo rolled her eyes and sighed. Of course it had to be a question that was very specific about dates. Still, not very hard. She could probably say any name and it would be true. She hoped. She hit the buzzer and they all looked at her expectantly. She shook her head and laughed, realizing she hadn't really thought about any name yet.

"Um… I don't know," everyone laughed. "Ethan?" she smiled innocently, looking at Alex, who gave her a patronizing look mouthing 'Nice try'.

"Aawww, no, actually, that wasn't in the top 10," April's sister looked genuinely sad. Jo was amazed of how much somebody could get into a trivial game like that. "Well, let's ask the daddy instead, then, there's still a big chance that he won't know," she said, smiling at Jo. Alex snorted at the host.

"Yeah, you wish," he said. "How about," he prolonged his answer theatrically. "Nathan," he answered eventually. April's sister's eyes got wide.

"Well, Mister, that's actually correct, this round goes to the daddies," she announced, astonished. Jo raised her eyebrows at her husband in wonderment as well but he just chuckled and shrugged his shoulders at her, walking back to 'Team Daddy'. They played for another while until daddies eventually won the game with a final score of 7-6. Everyone was in a really good mood when they went back to their tables.

"You made it," Meredith cheered for Jo who gave her an exasperated smile.

"Yeah, barely," she sighed heavily. "Speaking of which," she said, turning her head around to Alex who had just walked up behind her and bolted his arms around her upper body. Jo placed her hands on top of his. "Why the hell did you know the answer to that question?" The people standing around them laughed, amused by the scene.

"Well, I actually wanted to name baby boy Nathan," he informed her. Jo looked at Alex in surprise, not having anticipated much of a story behind it.

"You did? How come we didn't?"

"Well," Alex laughed. "You wouldn't let me. You didn't wanna name your kids as… wait – how did you put it? – 'half the country names their kids right now'," he imitated her voice, making Jo look at him mockingly irritated before laughing.

"Well, I didn't get very far with Ethan, either," she said and they all laughed again. "Still a very common name," she concluded, laughing about herself. Alex leaned down and kissed her cheek.

"Well, it fits him perfectly now," he said, both looking at their son who was still sitting in Callie's lap, now being mollycoddled by what seemed to be a very grown up Zola and Sofia.

"What about Maddie?" she asked.

"Well, you wanted to name her Savannah," he said, Jo looking back at him gleefully again.

"I did?" He nodded at her.

"However, since you already put your foot down with baby boy's name, I got to veto on baby it's name and chose another one," he recounted the story.

"Baby it?" Jo looked up at Alex in confusion. He snickered.

"We called her that for the longest time, actually," he told her. "We only knew about Ethan before the birth. They couldn't tell us if there wasn't anything to see on the ultrasound or if there wasn't anything there to see at all. So yeah, it was baby boy and baby it," he laughed. Jo looked flabbergasted.

"_We called her baby it_?" Everybody surrounding them laughed.

"Well, you made me call her Madison when she was born," he looked at her playfully. She nodded, now looking at their daughter contently.

"And it's perfect."

They small talked some more with their colleagues and friends present and decided to go home a little earlier than most of them did. When they arrived home, it was high time for their kids to be fed and put to bed. They shared the tasks and the twins went down easily, having had a pretty exciting day themselves. When they walked out the kids' room and closed the door behind them quietly, they both sighed.

"What a day," Jo whispered, Alex smiling at her understandingly. They walked downstairs and entered the kitchen.

"You hungry?" Alex asked Jo who had sat down on one of the stools.

"Starving," Jo looked at him bashfully when her stomach growled loudly. He snickered and opened the fridge to look at what choices they had.

"How do you feel about chicken?" he asked, looking back at her.

"Sounds great," she said, getting up.

"No, stay, you had a big day, let me do the cooking," he told her, making her smile. Instead of sitting down, though, she made her way over towards Alex, browsing the stuff and memorabilia that were pinned on the fridge.

"Honestly, I didn't even know you could cook," Jo mused. Alex smiled at her.

"Well, at least there's something I don't suck at," he said, winking.

"Oh, Alex, stop degrading yourself all the time," she chided him. "I didn't mean to say I didn't think you could do it, I just have never seen you at it," she corrected herself. Alex got out all the ingredients he needed and started chopping up the vegetables and meat, meanwhile boiling water for the rice. Jo kept browsing through the pictures and postcards and got stuck on one from Zurich. She turned it round and smiled at the first line. _What's up, Evil Spawn? How's Hairball treating you? _"Did we ever have a baby shower?" She asked quietly after a short pause laughing about Dr. Yang's silly nicknaming habit inwardly. Alex looked back at her questioningly.

"You saw the pictures in that album I gave you, right?" he reminded her.

"True, yeah, I forgot about those for a moment," she said, remembering.

"Not that we made a fuss about it like the Kepners," Alex laughed. "It was at the hospital," he clarified for her. There was a stretch of silence while Alex sautéed the vegetables and meat and Jo sat back down.

"How did we get pregnant?" Jo asked curiously after a few minutes of negotiating with herself if it was smart of her to ask or rather if she should hope for an answer at all. "What I mean is, was it on purpose? Did we try to have a baby?" Alex shook his head, whisking up a sauce, looking like he knew what he was doing.

"Actually, no, we weren't. You were on the pill," he released the information slowly; pouring the sauce inside the hot pan he was using for the vegetables and mixing it all up. She nodded, intrigued.

"But it was fine, right?" she asked. "We were happy about being pregnant?" Alex looked at her wide-eyed.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, of course we were. It was just a shock and not planned at all. And not the best timing to be honest," he recalled lazily. "But when is, right?" Jo shrugged uncertainly. Alex continued. "And then we got told we weren't having one kid but two, everything was quite a lot," he chuckled. Jo smiled, trying to imagine what it must have been like for them. She wasn't quite sure if Alex was willing to talk about it, only answering her questions dutifully but not giving her much more. Alex got out two plates and put some rice on both. He poured the saucy meat and vegetable dish on top and switched off all the hotplates and lights. Jo got up and got some cutlery and napkins out for them and they walked over to the kitchen table together.

"Thanks for this," Jo said, looking at him lovingly. She still couldn't believe how much he had grown since she had known him last. She found herself reprimanding herself for constantly thinking stuff like _that_ since it felt to her as if she hadn't expected so many things from him. But she really hadn't. Jo felt so lucky. She was so glad that she had apparently taken an effort and gotten to know the guy that was sitting opposite the table from her, already tucking in as if he hadn't seen food in days. She smiled slightly. There was one feeling that she had been experiencing a lot since they came home, even though it was often paired with the feeling of insecurity about their lives together. Joy and satisfaction. It just popped up in her head from time to time that apparently she had made unbelievingly perfect decisions for herself over the years and she couldn't believe how happy she was with them – even though she couldn't remember. She could have woken up to a lot worse. Or to put it another way, she couldn't have woken to a lot better. Everything was perfect. Alex looked up at the still pondering Jo and frowned.

"You don't like it?" he asked, shyly. Jo smiled and shook her head quickly.

"No, no, not at all, I just … I got distracted," she said, blushing. Alex rolled his eyes and continued eating. They ate in silence and finished up their dinner, completely satisfied. "You really are a good cook, I hope you realize that," Jo said, meaning all of her words.

"Well, I'm glad your opinion stayed the same," he said, chuckling. She smiled, sharing an intense gaze with Alex. "Do you wanna hear about it?" he asked eventually.

"Hear about what?"

"How we got pregnant? And you know… the pregnancy and stuff," he said, busying himself looking down at his hands.

"I'd love to," Jo replied, surprised and delighted about his offer.

"Let me get these dishes really quick and then I'll meet you in the living room, alright?" She nodded.

"I'll help," she said. "I don't wanna sit around while you seem to be the perfect house-husband," she giggled. They cleaned up nicely and Alex got out an open bottle of red wine.

"You want some?" he asked her, already getting out the glasses.

"You must know I do," she said, smiling. They went into the living room and both sat down on the couch, facing each other.

"Alright, what do you wanna know?" he asked. Jo shrugged.

"Well, if you ask me like that, preferably everything," she answered truthfully. He sighed.

"You really do push all my boundaries, Jo. You know I'm not a big talker," he said, sipping at his wine.

"I know. That's why I appreciate it that much more that you even offer," she continued, squeezing his knee softly, leaving her hand there.

"Alright, so… we had been married for like… wait, let me count, 2 years I guess… does that seem right?" he looked over at Jo questioningly. She laughed and shrugged.

"I have no idea," she said earnestly.

"Yeah, I think so. We were both really busy at work, you know, you were in your first year of your fellowship and Arizona and I had just kind of split the Pediatrics department at the hospital in two and I had taken over the lead of the newer one which is focused solely on the African orphans program that I had initiated back during my residency," he started the story. Jo nodded positively surprised.

"Wow," she voiced, trying to articulate how amazed she was and always had been with his efforts at work.

"So, it was kind of bad timing… as I said. I mean, at this time, we really… we barely saw each other. And with this I mean neither at home nor at work. I had been going back and forth between here and Salima where our headquarters are and dealt with all the organizational, legal stuff of the program and you were completely snowed in with a new trauma surgery technique that you and Kepner tried to establish at the hospital and overseeing a liaison with some field doctors of war zones in Syria," Alex's story flowed easily until Jo interrupted him.

"Wait, that is s_till _going on? Are you kidding me? God, that's… that's… horrible," she stammered, not quite knowing what to say.

"No, actually, let me correct myself. When you started the whole initiative, the post-war era was just beginning, fortunately" he clarified. Jo nodded, still a little upset. "So, it wasn't really a problem of opposite schedules; our schedules just wholly consumed us both. Some days we wouldn't see each other at all. Other days we would only spend a quick lunch together or you know, randomly getting to spend one or two hours at home before the other one had to go back into work again or back to the airport for that matter," he said, thinking back to the time and wondering just how they had made their relationship work. But then again, they loved each other. And they both loved their jobs so much. They never had any problems.

"Sounds…fascinating… really," Jo said, not being able to imagine what it was like. "Our lives must have changed so drastically after the kids were born…," she mused. Alex nodded.

"Yeah, as I said. Timing wasn't great. But then again, after they were born we had a lot of time on our hands to consider if it had been worth it… and we concluded that it was worth every second. As much as I love my job and you do yours, I would give it up any day to be with my family," Alex said, looking over at her, biting his lips. "Fortunately, we both didn't have to," he said, smiling. "Thanks to Lauren," he added. "We really do have to give her a raise," he exclaimed all of a sudden, making Jo laugh.

"Sounds like it, yeah," she agreed.

"Alright, let's get back before I lose my train of thought," he said, Jo nodding excitedly.

_Jo hadn't been feeling well for a while now. Her headaches came in at the worst of times and she felt nauseated frequently. She really wanted to take herself back a little, just as April had suggested it to her over and over again but right now she just couldn't. She had been working so hard for both her projects and Jo and April were just about to publish internationally. Everything she had never dared dreaming of had come true. There was no time to step back and take a breath. Also, what would she do at home anyways, right? Alex was into his work just as much as she was. _

_Jo felt how her insides flared up when thinking about her husband. She was so proud of Alex. She hadn't seen so much joy in his face in forever. He just thrived. Everything he had dreamed of had come true. Their lives were perfect. Their marriage was perfect. She was so in love with him. And she felt so unbelievingly loved by him. She couldn't have chosen a better life for herself. The nausea kicked in again. This was getting ridiculous. Just one more freaking day. Just give me one more freaking day. I _can_ do this, I just need to get this over with. Then I'll go home and cure this freaking flu until it's gone for good. Jo promised it to herself. Until she vomited into the bin at the nurses' station. __Elliott immediately came running to her side and petted her back. She got up and looked at him._

_"Elliott, I'm fine. Don't you dare tell anyone you saw anything," she told the nurse sharply. Good thing they seemed to be pretty much alone. It was sometime after 1 a.m. Elliott looked at her in concern. She sighed. "Please, just leave it alone, I just gotta get through tomorrow and then I'll go home and be sick, alright?" Jo pleaded with her admirer exasperatedly. Jo sighed. As much as she appreciated Elliott's work – he really was one of the best on trauma - she needed to get him transferred. She hated the thought of that. She didn't wanna be the kind of person or the kind of doctor who decided about others' lives. But this couldn't go on any longer. She hadn't realized Elliott's feelings for her for a long time. She even thought the entire hospital must have known it before her. She had thought he was just one of the nice guys. However, nice wasn't the word she was looking for anymore. He had actually asked her out and everything… he had absolutely crossed some limits that were way off. She wouldn't have had a problem about working with him after his confession as well but even though she had told him off and everything, he wouldn't stop idolizing her. She just hoped he would never blunder at work when he got distracted with her. It was ridiculous. _

_But right now, at that moment, she had to go vomit some more. She felt slightly dizzy and went over to the nurses' kitchen and got herself some water. W_hat the hell was going on?_ There had been a sick spell at the hospital last month but she had believed she had avoided that successfully. Apparently not. Right now, she just wanted to lie in bed, preferably with Alex's arms around her, sleeping off her exhaustion. Well, that wasn't gonna happen. She needed to finish her talk tonight. She bent over the bin again and puked out the water she had just ingested. _Great_. __She decided to go home anyways. She was all done with that day. She tried to ring Alex but he wasn't picking up. Probably sleeping. _Good, that's where she wanted him to be_. He was exhausting himself too much lately. She got her street clothing back on and took the elevator down. The elevator halted on the third floor and a tired looking Stephanie walked in. Jo smiled at her._

_"Long day?" Her friend just nodded. _

_"Jo, you look terrible," Stephanie stated, looking up at Jo in surprise. "What's going on?" _

_Jo just waved Stephanie's worries away. "It's fine. I'm fine. Just a little sick. I swear I'll go on sick leave after tomorrow night, I'll just have to pull through the gala," she said, holding her stomach. Stephanie looked at her with worry written all over her face. _

_"Do you want me to call Alex?" she asked her, rubbing her back soothingly. _

_"I tried, he's not picking up. Probably sleeping. It's fine, I'll see him in a few minutes," she said, holding on to the railing feeling dizzy again. _

_"Jo, you really look like crap. I'm gonna drive you home," she said matter-of-factly. Jo shook her head but immediately raced out of the elevator and barfed inside a trashcan by the entrance. Stephanie raised her eyebrows. _

_"Wow, Jo, you really are sick," she said. "How long haven't you been feeling well?" _

_"I don't know, Steph," Jo croaked. "A couple of days. Maybe a little more. Probably since a few days before Alex came back home from his last trip to Malawi," she recalled. _

_"What?" Stephanie asked her in horror. "Jo, that's been… what? More than a week back… you can't tell me you have been that sick for more than a week! You need to be looked at, Jo, I'm serious," she half yelled at her. Jo shook her head again. _

_"No, Steph, really, I'm fine. I'll get over it. Now, please, will you drive me home?" she added, looking at her friend innocently. The other one nodded and helped her inside the car where Jo only seemed to become even more uncomfortable and held her stomach as if in pain. Stephanie watched her best friend carefully. She started the car and drove towards Alex' and Jo's house. _

_"Can I ask you something?" Stephanie said after a while of alternating between watching the dark highway ahead and watching a cranking Jo in the passenger's seat. _

_"Sure, what's up," Jo replied, suddenly relaxing a bit. She chuckled. "Wow, that was fast," she said, a little confused about how sudden her sickness changed._

_"Jo," Stephanie said, scrutinizing her. "Are you pregnant?" _

_Jo's head shot up to look at Stephanie with her eyes wide open. After a second she shook her head, wildly. Then she frowned. _

_"No," she snorted. _

_"Are you sure?" _

_"Yes, I'm sure. Does this look like morning sickness? To me it doesn't. This is some bug I caught somewhere. Seriously, if morning sickness feels like _this _I'm reclining having kids thankfully." Jo joked, her face distorting in pain again. _

_"Well, maybe you have hyperemesis gravidarum," Stephanie mused in concern. _

_"Stop diagnosing me, I'm not pregnant," Jo got slightly aggravated. "Anyways, I'm on the pill. Chances are next to nothing," she finalized the matter. She got out of the car, reassuring Stephanie again that she was going to be fine and bid her a good night. __When she walked into the house, everything was dark and she couldn't see anything Alex-related lying around. Jo hoped dearly that Alex had come home. She wanted to be with him right now. She needed the comfort of his arms. She walked upstairs quietly, peeking into their bedroom. Emptiness engulfed her. Jo closed her eyes and sighed. She walked inside the bathroom and showered quickly and did her bathroom routine before she lay down in their bed. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the nausea. _She couldn't be pregnant, right?_ There was no way she could be pregnant… she just couldn't. This was not the right time. This was bad, bad timing. As much as she loved to think of her and Alex as parents someday… it just… no, it just wasn't the right time. She wasn't pregnant. She was sure of it. She decided she was not going to think about it anymore. Jo turned around to hug Alex's pillow to her body and fell asleep within seconds._

_When her alarm clock went off in the morning, she woke up to a still empty bed. She sighed and got up, looking at her phone. No messages. _Where the hell are you?_ She got herself ready for the day and packed up a dress and shoes for the night's events and walked down to the garage. _Thank God,_ Alex had left his car here and had taken a ride with her a couple of days before. She got in the car and stopped at the drug store to buy a pregnancy test. _Nothing wrong with making sure, right? Doesn't mean it's true_. She parked the car in the lot in front of the hospital and walked up swiftly towards the attendings' locker room. _

_"Have you seen Alex around?" she called back to Meredith who had just walked by her, smiling. Mer shook her head and mouthed 'Sorry'. __She changed clothes and locked herself inside the bathroom. 1 minute. 2 minutes. 3 minutes. 4 minutes. _Alright, Jo, you can't push it any longer, just look at it._ 5 minutes. _Oh, come on, just turn it around._ She sighed. _Why even turn it around_? She had known it was true the minute Stephanie had suggested it. She just wasn't ready to be confronted with it. Funnily, she hadn't thought about it once, the previous week. _God, Jo, why now?_ She took a deep breath and turned the stick around. _Congratulations, you are pregnant. _Jo closed her eyes in defeat. _Way to go, Alex. Worst possible timing_. She felt the tears coming to her eyes and falling one by one. _Oh, shit. Ugh, why now, why now? Couldn't it have waited another… you know… whatever… while?_ Everything was so good right now. She didn't know if they could handle having a baby right now. She sat on the toilet seat for at least 20 minutes before taking out her phone and typing in a message._

J – Alex, I need to talk to you ASAP. Please, just answer your damn phone

_She put the phone back into her lap where the pregnancy test was lying as well. Tears were still rolling down her cheeks. All of a sudden, a smile creeped across her face. _They were going to have a baby. She was going to have Alex's baby_. She closed her eyes and chuckled voicelessly. They were going to be just fine. Because they were going to have a family. Just as they had always dreamed of. Tears continued to stream down her face but they had changed. They had changed to tears of joy. She needed to go find Alex. Suddenly, her stomach cramped again. Crap. She felt a wave of nausea and turned around quickly to puke down the toilet. When she was done, she got up and brushed her teeth and washed her face. She put on her lab coat and walked out of the locker room, determined to find Alex. Her phone vibrated. _

A – Babe, I'm sorry, fell asleep in the OC. I'm on my way into surgery, talk to you later, alright?

No, no, no, don't go into surgery, please._ She dialed his number as fast as she could and called him. _

_"_What? This can't wait_?" Alex chuckled on the other end of the phone. _

_"Alex, please, I need to talk to you, now," Jo pleaded with him, feeling dizzy because she was walking so fast. "Where are you?" _

_She could only hear how on the other end of the phone somebody was flat lining. She sighed deeply. _No, no, no, no, no._ She was just going to turn around and walk towards the OR floor when a 3rd year resident came running towards her. _

_"Dr. Kepner has been paging you, please, you need to come to the E.R.," the young woman breathed heavily, supporting her arms on her knees for a second. Jo looked down at her pager. _Ugh. Really, today?_ The battery must have died between vomiting and peeing on a stick. _Crap. Alright._ Jo started running, trying to not think about how sick she felt to her stomach. _

_"Fill me in, Nelson," Jo yelled. _

_"A class of kindergartners went on a road trip, bus crashed, kids everywhere," Dr. Nelson quickly recounted. Jo looked at her strangely, while waiting for the elevator to spit them out on the ground floor. _

_"That's your idea of a successful recap?" The younger doctor looked at her intimidated. Jo rolled her eyes. "Just try to not kill anyone, alright?" she jumped out of the elevator and ran into the E.R. __"Where do you need me, April?"_

_"Trauma 1," the other one yelled at her immediately. "Arizona is already in there," she informed her, while trying to examine a screaming and wriggling kid. Jo raced in there and put some gloves on, Arizona quickly telling her about the patient. _

_"We need to get to an OR ASAP," Arizona yelled. Jo looked over the patient and sighed, looking out the window to the chaotic E.R. _

_"You stay," she decided, making Arizona look up in surprise. "This is catastrophic," she said. "There will be so many kids needing surgery, we will need all hands. I got this," she assured the senior doctor. "I promise," she said, looking at her piercingly. Arizona just nodded and walked out. "Let's move, people, quickly! Somebody tell them we're coming," she shouted to anyone who could hear. On her way to the O.R. she sent another message to Alex. _

J – Alex, we really need to talk. I'm in OR 3, find me when you're done

_She pushed the send button before taking off her white coat and putting her rings on her necklace. She could feel the nausea and the vertigo flying in again while she was scrubbing. She called out to a passing nurse to bring her some orange juice. She needed to stay on her feet. This was an easy fix though, nothing much to do. She walked inside the OR and was just about to cut into the patient when she felt like her insides got compressed into a tiny little space not much bigger than a pea and the vertigo overpowered her. Last thing she knew was the OR nurse yelling her name and her toppling backwards. __Alex was just removing a bleed on his kid patient's liver when his pager went off like crazy._

_"What is it?" he directed his question towards a nurse. She looked at his pager and read. _

_"It's Dr. Wilson. 911." Alex rolled his eyes. _

_"She'll be fine," he said. "She has done this a thousand times." __After Alex had read Jo's last message, he had sent someone to inform him what procedure she was going to do in OR 3. He focused on his patient again. This was a tricky one, he found one bleed and stopped it and the next one was popping up. Also, he hadn't slept all that well in the on call room. He had only wanted to wait a couple of hours for Jo to be done with writing her speech. He had actually tried to go home with his wife for once. He had fallen asleep instead and woken up to an emergency coming in. The pager beeped again. He got annoyed. Already anticipating what the nurse was going to tell him, he directed at her sharply, "Tell her to page Robbins, I'm not done here!"_

_The nurse looked up at him in horror. "Dr. Karev, it's not Dr. Wilson that needs help in the OR! Dr. Wilson seems to be the patient," she gulped. Alex looked at her in shock. _What? No, what?_ He had just been talking to her mere minutes ago. He looked at the nurse a couple more seconds before clearing his head. _

_"Call and ask what's going on," he told her, turning his eyes towards the open patient before him. All of a sudden he saw Arizona run into the scrub room and explaining to him that she was going to take over for him, miming wildly. He nodded frantically, looking back at the nurse. _

_"They say she collapsed right before she wanted to make the cut," the nurse informed him slowly, listening what the person on the other end told her. _

_"Alex," the intercom had been switched on. He looked up at the gallery, seeing a worried Stephanie looking down at him amongst several interns and residents. _

_"What's going on, Steph?" he asked his wife's best friend, feeling how his insides turned to mush slowly. Stephanie sighed, and he looked back down to his patient, trying to stop the bleeder. _

_"She wasn't feeling well all week," Stephanie started. _

_"I know that," Alex said, blaming himself for not going after that. "I thought that was just a bug or something," he mused. _

_"Yeah, it probably was… but she pushed herself too hard," Stephanie said irritated. "She's been given fluids and somebody is examining her right now. She doesn't look too good. But she'll be fine," she said. Alex nodded. That moment, Arizona rushed in and took over from Alex. _

_"Go," she told him immediately. He scrubbed out and ran all the way down to the exam rooms. __When he yanked open the door, a slightly worried Meredith was trying to examine a half conscious Jo. He looked at her worriedly. She was pale as the sheet beneath her, even grayish-green. Cold sweat had built a layer on her face and she looked like she was shivering. He ran over to her and took her in his arms._

_"Baby, what's going on?" he whispered frantically at her. _

_"She has lost a lot of fluids," Meredith said immediately. "We don't know what's wrong yet." Jo stirred, looking up at Alex, realizing he was with her. She grabbed for his arm and moved her mouth. _

_"Shh, baby, it's okay, we're going to find out what's going on," he tried to calm her. _

_"No," she whispered. "Alex," she tried to voice but couldn't find the energy to. _

_"I think she's trying to tell you something, Alex," Meredith nodded at him who was still trying to calm her down and make her stop talking. He looked down at his wife, still petting her hair softly, kissing her head. _

_"What is it, Jo? What do you wanna tell me?" _

_"Alex," she said, trying to pull him closer. "I'm pregnant," she said, looking at him, sighing deeply, trying to not puke again. Alex froze. _Had he just heard her right?_ After a long moment of looking at Jo, he turned around to look at Meredith. _

_"Did you hear that?" he asked her insecurely. Meredith laughed. _

_"Yes, yes, I heard that," she said, smiling at him. She got out an ultrasound and freed Jo off her shirt and pulled down her pants a little. Alex looked back at his wife's eyes and didn't know what to say. He was completely speechless. He hadn't even once thought about them having a baby at this time of their lives. He hadn't even thought about the possibility of that happening anytime soon. He saw the face she was giving him because of his non-existent reaction. A tear was sneaking out of her left eye. He let out a long breath that he had been holding since Jo had said the words. _

_"Oh, baby," he suddenly started laughing, bending down and kissing her, and hugging her. "Oh, Jo, it's going to be alright," he reassured her. She started crying harder. "It's okay, we'll be fine, I promise," he whispered soothing words in her ear until she calmed down. Meanwhile, Meredith had found a heartbeat. _

_"Well, congratulations, you two," she grinned widely. "There's no denying it, you're definitely pregnant," she declared happily. Both Alex and Jo looked at her incredulously and she had to laugh. __"Alright, guys, I already put you on fluids, Jo, and I will page OB/GYN for you. They'll look after you in a minute, okay? I'm sure everything will be fine," she said, squeezing Jo's knee. She walked out, turning back to the couple once more and watching them exchange a loving look, Alex still holding on to Jo tightly and her just looking up at him weakly, trying to smile. A couple of minutes later some people came in to transport her to the right floor, where she was wheeled into another exam room. A nurse came in and asked Alex to wait outside. When she came back out and he walked back in, Jo was sitting up slightly and looked at least a little better. He stopped two steps into the room and looked at her._

_"We're pregnant?"_

_Jo nodded slowly. There was a long pause. "Is that okay?" she asked him, her voice trembling. Alex's face split into a wide grin. He nodded. _

_"Jo," he said, trying to not tear up. "We're having a baby," he said, repeating it to make himself believe. She looked at him, already forming new tears. _

_"We're having a baby," she repeated it as well before Alex took several long strides towards his wife and engulfed her in a tight hug. Both their faces were glistening with tears and plastered with smiles. Alex sighed, pulling back slightly, looking at his wife. _

_"I love you so much, Jo," he said, shaking his head in disbelief. She grinned widely, already tearing up again. _

_"I love you, too," she whispered through trembling lips before Alex kissed her deeply. Their moment was interrupted when the gynecologist came in suddenly. _

_"Oh, I'm sorry, you guys," she said, standing at the door awkwardly. Jo shook her head, still smiling uncontrollably. _

_"It's fine," she said. "Please, come in, I wanna hear my baby's heartbeat again," she said, Alex kissing her temple repeatedly making her close her eyes on their own accord. The gynecologist laughed. _

_"Well, it's unbelievably good to see how happy a couple can be about becoming parents," she said, smiling at them good-naturedly. Jo lay back down, Alex holding her hand in his tightly and sitting down besides her, looking at the monitor. All of a sudden, they could hear a steady rhythm, and this time they both realized what that rhythm meant to their lives. Jo's fingers tightened on Alex's and he looked over at her. _

_"This is our baby," she said, breaking out in tears again. "Oh, God," she said, laughing. "Why can't I stop crying?" she asked exasperatedly. Alex and the gynecologist both laughed. _

_"Because," Alex pulled her closer again. "We just became the luckiest people on this planet," he said, and kissed a widely smiling Jo passionately. _

**Note to readers: Please forgive me about the Syrian war reference. I absolutely do not mean to say that this war will go on for another 5 years. I really wish it wouldn't. It's really just a tiny part of truth within a big part of fiction and I needed to have something to relate Jo's work to and as much as I hate having brought up that war, I would have hated making up a 'fictional war' in another country and jinx it, more. I just see Jo doing something big with her career because I feel like that's what she's trying to achieve, at least to me Shonda's portrait of her looks and feels that way. Something big; doing something that can make a difference for a lot of other people. I think that she will or at least I hope that she will channel all her emotions and experiences she had in her past into something as big as this – not necessarily connected to what happened to her when she was a kid – but I do think she'll be a fine surgeon and help others achieve well-being with her competences. At least that's what I'm hoping for and going for in my story. I hope nobody will be offended. And I'm praying for every soul that's out there affected by these horrible present on goings. **


	19. Chapter 19

Alex emptied his wine glass and looked at Jo expectantly. She looked back at him with wide eyes, shaking her head and trying to get actual words out of her mouth. He smiled.

"Whoa," Jo voiced finally. "Just, whoa," she chuckled insecurely.

"Yeah," Alex agreed using his usual eloquence.

"I mean…," Jo started, trying to find words for what she had just heard. She let out a long breath. "We like to keep ourselves busy, huh? I mean… I don't mean the workload we seemed to be doing back then… I mean all those little adventures we seemed to go on," she laughed cautiously. Alex nodded.

"That's why I keep telling you, let's take it slowly. Trust me, there isn't going to be a story from the last six years I will be able to tell without any drama. We like the drama. We attract it like magnets. It's ridiculous. People have actually been telling me that they weren't at all surprised that _this_," at this he pointed at their situation right there, "I mean, the accident and all, happened to us," he sighed, taking over her glass and getting up.

"Wow, isn't it a little too soon for jokes about that?"

"People aren't joking," Alex looked back at her while walking towards the kitchen. Jo got up and followed him. "I think they are pretty damn serious. We've had a pretty action-filled life," he said sounding convincing, putting the glasses in the dishwasher, Jo leaning against the counter. She nodded. There was a short pause.

"So, what exactly was the problem? I mean was it a high-risk pregnancy?" Jo asked, still not having digested what he had just told her.

"Not directly. As Stephanie had already diagnosed you correctly before you even wanted to realize that you were pregnant, you were suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum. And when I say you suffered, I mean it," he looked at her almost apologetically.

"You were severely dehydrated that day we found out. They had to keep you in for I guess it was… 10 days or something. And you were only 7 weeks along back then. It got worse over the following couple of weeks and then easier again and it stayed until way up… I guess until your 26th week or something. You did go back to work though because you were stubborn and wouldn't give yourself some slack," he looked at her pointedly. Jo grinned.

"That actually sounds like me," she snickered.

"Yeah," Alex rolled his eyes at her. "You were giving me bad headaches with that," he said.

"I was giving _you _headaches? Sounds like you were responsible for all that in the first place," Jo scolded him mockingly. Alex laughed.

"Yeah, you made sure I remembered that throughout the pregnancy. But then it was fine and the kids thrived and developed perfectly and you actually didn't give birth until 37 weeks which was amazing," Alex recounted.

"Wait, I had them naturally?"

"Yep," Alex said, grinning.

"Whoa," Jo answered, eyebrows vanishing all the way up in her hair. Alex sighed heavily and walked towards the staircase. "As I said, you gave me some bad headaches back then with all your ideas," he voiced again. Jo followed him silently, and they walked up the stairs and inside the bedroom. They did their bathroom routines one by one and got ready for bed. When Alex came out of the bathroom, he watched Jo sitting on the bed, pondering.

"Where's your head at?" he asked, eying her carefully while rounding the bed. Jo smiled, forcefully having been pulled out of her deep thoughts.

"I don't know," she said truthfully. "This is all… a lot to take in," she added, looking at Alex who gave her an exasperated smile. "As you have been telling me, I know," she smiled at him, lying down on her side facing towards him and tucking herself into their sheets. "But just because it's a lot doesn't mean I don't wanna hear it," she said, nodding at him bossily.

"As you have been telling me," Alex repeated her last statement in light of her reasoning. "I know that," he says. "It's just… it really is some hardcore stuff we've been through. I… you know when I talk about how you did at the time or what you did or what you felt… it just… it feels wrong somehow. I don't wanna be the judge of how you felt," he explained himself for what seemed to be the thousandth time. She nodded.

"I know that, Alex," she said. "Thanks for telling me anyways," she looked at him gratefully.

"I'm exhausted," Alex moved over to lie on his back and rubbed his eyes, Jo still watching him.

"Yeah, I'm tired, too," she agreed.

"Let's call it a night, shall we?" Alex looked over at her and smiled.

"Good night, Alex," she said, smiling back at him.

"I really hope you'll find some rest tonight," he told her. "Otherwise we'll have to think of something new," he said.

"I'll be fine. I'm comfortable knowing that you are here with me," she said. "_Finally," _she added pointedly, making him roll his eyes. She laughed.

"Good night, then," he said, switching off the lights.

They both fell asleep instantly, having had quite the day. They stayed on their initially chosen sides of their bed even though both of them were yearning for the touch of the respective other. For hours, the room was only filled with their steady breathing and normal sleeping sounds until Jo started to trash around. First she would only shift from one side to the other but then she started hugging herself tightly, cramping up, kicking out her legs and whimpering slightly. Not very loudly, but loud enough to make Alex wake to the sounds of Jo having her nightmares.

"Hey," he whispered, his voice still heavy with sleep and feeling like his limbs wouldn't do what he wanted them to quite yet. "Shhh," he shushed her lightly, reaching over with one arm and putting it on her back soothingly, drawing small circles, just as he had used to when they were still happily married. He scrunched up his face in distaste for having had such a weird thought. _They still were happily married. They just needed to figure out their marriage again. Freaking stupid accident. He was so sick of himself always thinking she might not be as happy anymore now that she had a second go at it or she might not consider their lives just as perfect as she had before crashing the car. Their lives were perfect. No denying it. There wasn't a day since he had met Jo that he hadn't been thinking about how lucky he was. How lucky they both were. Because for once the girl at his side was just as happy as he was himself. She loved him. He couldn't get that into his head. She actually loved him. She had loved him for such a long time now. And she still wasn't running from him. They were conquering the world together. Was that it? Had he been experiencing crap all his life long and then karma had decided to present him with Jo? His heart burst just thinking about how much she had changed his life. She was an angel. She really was. Which made watching her struggle with her life at the moment that much harder. He couldn't see her hurting any more. He just… couldn't. It broke his heart over and over and over again. But then, why was he contributing to hurting her? She had told him repeatedly after the accident that she wanted him to be in her life. _

Alex sighed, watching her calm down underneath his touch. _She had been absolutely right, just as she always was. He had been the only one able to calm her for years. He even thought that he might have been the only one in all her life who had ever managed to calm her down. All those years of silently accepting it and rejoicing in the fact that she had decided to love him with all her heart now finally made him feel a little more self-confident. If she even relaxed when having him with her in light of what happened and that she didn't even know him as her long term partner, she must have been telling him the truth all along. Well, he had always known she was telling the truth. He knew that. It wasn't her fault that he was feeling self-conscious sometimes. She made him feel so loved. But even at his 39 years, he sometimes had troubles wrapping his head around the fact that people loved him for who he was. _After a while of watching Jo completely succumb to his calming techniques he himself drifted into blissful sleep again, his heart full of love for his wife.

Jo had been trying to get away from her nightmares for a while and then, all of a sudden, she had. She didn't know how and she didn't know when, but all of a sudden, everything was okay and she continued sleeping her exhaustion off. A couple of hours later though, she drifted into what seemed like a state between waking and sleeping, and she could feel Alex' body pressed up behind hers, his arm resting comfortably on her stomach or, let's say, his fingers were skimming her skin underneath the edge of her panties slightly. Her whole body reacted to his intimate touch. When she woke fully, she didn't move one inch, scared that he was going to withdraw from their embrace. Her insides were burning, her breathing shallow and her nipples hardened. Her eyes fluttered when she could feel his fingers waiver slightly, not moving much from where he had placed his hand but just as if he was having a dream and shivering a tiny bit. It gave her goose bumps. She realized her nightmares must have succumbed after he had given her the comfort of his arms. She smiled slightly, pride washing over her for having known all along that what she had been telling him about that turned out to be true. Alex' breathing on her neck went from steady to irregular. He was waking up, she could feel it. She closed her eyes and appreciated his touch another while before she could feel him pull his hand back slightly. Only an inch though because Jo reacted quickly and put her hand on his and held it there, not commenting on it. She smiled, her eyes still closed, when she could feel Alex nuzzle his nose on the crook of her neck and kiss her shoulder softly.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" he whispered into her ear, making her goose bumps reappear.

"Why aren't you?"

"Not sure," he said truthfully, trying to forget how close his hand was positioned to her private parts that he had been longing to touch for weeks now. He tried to steady his breath. Jo started to run her fingers back and forth on top of his hand that was still holding her.

"Have you been having nightmares again?" he asked her after a minute. He could feel her shake her head slightly.

"Only before," she replied, both of them knowing what she meant with _before_. Before he had finally given in and taken her into his arms. He nodded, kissing her shoulder again softly.

"What are your nightmares about?" he asked her with a very low voice. There was a long pause when Jo tried to summarize the content of her dreams.

"Mostly I walk into some… situation… like any situation… by now I have dreamed about a variety of them… in which somebody tells me I have done some stuff… you know… stuff that freaks me out… or scares me even… and I can't get out of the situation…," she said, turning her head an inch towards Alex, to show that she was asking him if she was articulating herself comprehensibly.

"Care to give me an example?" Alex inquired, starting to softly stroke his thumb up and down her stomach, making her insides flare up again with desire.

"It's really random, actually," Jo explained in a soft voice. "Sometimes it'll be something 'reasonable' like what I'm experiencing in reality right now… having kids or being a trauma surgeon you know… or being faced with an incoming trauma that I can't handle… but most of the times it's something completely unrelated… like they tell me I have murdered someone… and I'm supposed to believe it you know… but I can't take it back either…," she whispered.

"Oh, baby," Jo could hear him say faintly.

"I think it just comes back to the fact that I'm a little overwhelmed with everything that's new. And that I don't really have a say on what I did or did not do the last six years but people just tell me… you know? And the fact that I still don't know so many things and I don't know what to expect… I don't know how much there is to know… and for example… I don't know if I ever did something terrible…," she sighed hopelessly. Jo felt Alex' arms tightening around her.

"You didn't," he tried to reassure her.

"Well, telling me that and actually telling me examples about my life are two different pair of shoes, Alex," she said matter-of-factly, reaching up to touch his cheek softly, her eyes still closed.

"I know," Alex caved in, which made her actually open her eyes and turn her upper body around to look at him.

"You do?" she asked him in surprise.

"Well, I didn't until now. I didn't realize that it affected you that much. I thought it was easier just feeding you pieces of information so you could digest them properly," he confessed sheepishly.

"I feel like we keep running circles, Alex," she smiled at him, feeling his pain. "I have told you so many times what I need. Why can't you take me seriously for once?" she hushed out. Alex contemplated what she had said, looking at her eyes deeply.

"It's hard… I… I told you last night… I don't want to say something wrong," he explained.

"The only thing that's wrong is not telling me stuff," she said, turning herself all the way around, Alex' arms encircling her waist. She gulped before saying what she needed to say and expected to hear.

"Alex," she began, her heart beating fast. "If you don't start telling me stuff about my life, I will jump to conclusions that are far worse than the actual things that happened," she said, running her hand through his hair.

"Like what?" he asked softly.

"Like…," she sighed, looking at him, scared of what he was going to answer. "I have been… mulling over the fact… that I did something like… cheating on you," she voiced quietly, averting her eyes. Alex looked at her with sad eyes and pulled her even closer.

"Jo," he sighed heavily, waiting for her to look at him. She didn't. He brought the arm that was encircling her waist up and turned her face to look at him. She did, horror reflecting in her eyes. "Why would you conclude to that?"

Jo shrugged barely noticeably. "I didn't think so at first. When I first woke up and the two weeks that followed, I was convinced that we had the perfect marriage. But then everything got so weird. You wouldn't touch me anymore and you wouldn't talk to me anymore and… and… well, Elliott kept popping up," Jo rambled slightly. Alex who had been listening intently, sighed at the mention of Elliott.

"So you concluded that you had been having an affair with Elliott?" he asked her gently. She shrugged again, still confused.

"No, not really. But then again, I didn't know. He was always there. And even though I knew him from before, it creeped me out how often he just… seemed to ask me out for coffee or you know… asked me how my day was going… and as I told you… he kept giving me these looks… and he would always… without fail… walk out when you were with me," she said.

"Jo, all of that has a whole different reason than you cheating on me," Alex stated, still looking at her, his heart hurting for having made her so uncomfortable without even realizing it.

"Yeah… Meredith Grey was the one who enlightened me to that situation. Why didn't you tell me?" she asked him frantically, begging him with her eyes.

"Oh, Jo," Alex sighed and closed his eyes in regret.

"You should know… he actually tried to ask me out at the baby shower," she shared the information with him. Alex opened his eyes in shock.

"He didn't," Alex said, madly. Jo nodded. "He wouldn't dare," he half-asked her, desperately.

"But he did," she just said. Alex shook his head in defeat.

"Ugh, I hate that guy. Now he has overstepped the line though. This will have consequences," he said.

"Will you tell me the story now?" Jo questioned him with raised eyebrows. Alex sighed and nodded.

"He's an E.R. nurse as you might remember. So you work with him a whole lot. You never had much contact with him during your residency but then you started your fellowship and he sort of… latched onto you… I don't know how to describe it… he just… he had a crush on you and we were all laughing about it, it was nothing, really," Alex shook his head at her with wide eyes to make her believe. She nodded at him to continue. "But then one day, we had a fight. It wasn't even that bad, it was just bickering and you were mad at me. I can't even clearly remember what it was," Alex scrunched up his face. "Oh wait, I do remember. You had a dinner or something and had asked me to come with you. It was really important to you and I had forgotten and scrubbed into a surgery and well… you know… not a biggie. I mean, of course, at the time you were really pissed and all but it wasn't something blasting our marriage, if you know what I mean," he explained, Jo nodding in agreement. "Well, he overheard that. So the next time he was assisting you with a patient, he kind of… talked to you about it… or made a reference to it or something… and he started commenting on how bad of a husband I was and that he didn't want you to be unhappy and you know… stuff like that. You were completely taken aback by that and you actually told him off pretty roughly. You know… that he had no business having an opinion about me or you or our lives. A couple of days later he apologized to you about that and invited you to have coffee with him. And as far as I know, that occasion when you said yes and actually had a 10 minute coffee break with him, was the one situation that you have always regretted agreeing to because you felt like you should have known where this was going and prevented it. But you didn't because if there's one thing you really don't think about is other men… so yeah, of course, for you it was completely innocent. For him it was just one very juicy input for his creepy devotion to you. From that moment on he would buy you coffee every day, always be on your service, ask you out repeatedly, and it went on," he said.

"How did I handle that?"

"You were annoyed first and made the chief of residents and the head nurses get him off your service whenever you caught him at blundering with the schedules again. You told him off frequently, but he wouldn't budge. You told me about it," he said, sporting a little grin. Jo frowned. "I'm sorry, not funny. I just recalled what words you used when you came ranting about him. You were like… don't you dare get your fists out BUT… I have this little sticky problem…," Alex laughed, making Jo smile but giving her his sad eyes the next moment. "I did ask you if you were seriously bothered by it. But you said you weren't. I knew you only said that because you didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I reacted wrongly, though, and that's what I'm really sorry about. I was patronizing you for caring so much. I had a laugh about it but I didn't realize how bad the situation had gotten. I actually thought he just had a crush on you. You know, people always have a crush on you. Wherever we go. I didn't think this was any different," he said, blushing. Jo moved her hand to his face and petted his cheek softly to show him she was okay with it now. She wasn't mad at him. "Then, all of a sudden, the problem was gone because he was relocated to Ortho. That was actually funny as well. You had of course decided on your specialty way before that. But you were so relieved that you hadn't gone into Ortho, it was hysterical," he narrated. "I was only joking about it, telling you, you should feel honored to be idolized. But then he started playing offense and he actually followed you to the bar a couple of times and stuff like that. Once he followed you home. That was your breaking point. You talked to me about wanting him off your service for good or rather repositioning him to another hospital. You asked me if that was a possibility, as guilty as you felt for making decisions about his life, you couldn't take it anymore. I was too distracted to realize that you were actually serious about it. When I didn't act, you talked to Meredith about it. When you told me about it I was horrified. I… it got out of hand and I didn't even realize… I can't tell you how sorry I am. We haven't sorted it out yet because your accident came in between…," he finished the story. Jo looked at him sympathetically.

"Oh, Alex," she said, feeling his pain. "Why didn't you tell me this?"

"Because… I thought it might upset you more," he said. She shook her head at him vigorously.

"No, Alex. I mean, it is really creepy and even Meredith downplayed it now that I know the full story. Because what he apparently did_ is_ close to stalking. But don't you see? In not knowing this I couldn't have prevented him from coming close to me again," she said exasperatedly.

"Yeah, I was thinking I had you protected," Alex muttered more to himself than to her. She smiled sadly.

"You can't always protect me, Alex. The sooner you'll get that into your brain, the easier it's going to be from now on," she smiled at him adoringly.

"So, he actually tried asking you out again? Is this guy serious?" Alex asked unbelievingly.

"Yeah, he actually used the words… 'now that you don't remember your husband'… can you believe it?" Jo thought about that again. It gave her the creeps. Alex closed his eyes and shook his head.

"This is outrageous," he said. "Can you please change your mind about my permission to punch his face?" Jo laughed and shook her head, putting both her arms around his neck, leaning her forehead to his.

"So," she whispered softly. "I was completely off with thinking that I might be cheating on you?" Alex smiled at her lovingly.

"Oh, baby," he muttered, leaning down and kissing her. Jo could feel how her head and shoulders heated up not having anticipated the kiss. She felt dizzy, even though she was lying down. Alex pulled back to look at her and shook his head. "Is that what has been bugging you?" His hands were stroking her back while he mustered her face. "Because that is absolute bullshit," he told her matter-of-factly. She smiled.

"Is it?"

"Yes," he said. Jo closed her eyes and let out a small laugh, hugging his body to hers.

"How can you be sure?" she asked again. Alex sighed, looking at her more serious again. He didn't quite know how to answer this, how to make her see even though she couldn't know anything about their relationship dynamics and values.

"Well, apart from the fact that one can probably never truly know, I _know _that you are not cheating on me. I know you too well. You are a horrible liar. Especially towards me. And you make a point not to anyways. We are staggeringly honest with each other. Sometimes that's crude. But it's the only way it works. We vowed to each other that whatever might happen, we'd always tell each other the truth. We vowed to each other that we'd love each other. And even though we might not be able to even influence that at all times… there's one thing we have always agreed on wholeheartedly. If one day, we don't love each other anymore or we get bored with each other or we are attracted by someone else, we'll just tell each other and go from there. Because we both don't see the point in cheating on each other if we just don't wanna be with each other anymore. So, yes, I'm one hundred percent positive you are not cheating on me," Alex paused after his speech. "Is it only the Elliott thing that made you think you were cheating on me or is it something else?"

"No, not really. I mean, I'm wondering about why you don't wanna share stories with me all the time… and if it is because I did something terrible that you don't wanna tell me. But then again I remind myself that you are the guy that you are and that you just wanna protect me and that you are awkwardly sweet at being a good husband and support," she smiled at his blush and licked her lips. "And then there are the nightmares that emphasize all this as well. Even though I know they're not true, they seem so real… you know," she asked him a little insecure. He nodded.

"I know." They looked at each other for a moment.

"I can't tell you how much better I feel right now," Jo said after a while. "You know, if you don't have knowledge about a huge amount of time in your life, you build yourself a pretty big canvas to paint ridiculous illusions on. It never felt to me as if I had been cheating on you. Because even though you are still pushing me away _despite _our talk when you promised me you would try not doing it anymore," she said pointedly, grinning at him. "Still, it always felt to me as if everything… and I mean that: _everything_… everything was perfect in our relationship. Because I know what kind of people we both are and that a little bit of bickering doesn't hurt us much. So that's the feeling that I got, that everything was so perfect. But then due to the lack of information you gave me about certain stuff, I felt like… something was wrong. So, I'm so glad that you have finally coughed up," she continued. "You know, it's one of the most horrible feelings on earth. Dreading that you have done something terrible that you can't back up anymore because 1 you have no recollection of it and 2 you don't support that decision you have apparently made in your past. And that's what my dreams are all about and it drives me crazy," she said a little quieter now. Alex looked at Jo sympathetically before he pulled her into a tight hug, running his fingers up and down her back, Jo melting into him completely.

"I'm sorry about the nightmares. And I'm sorry about making your days turn into nightmares, as well. This time I mean it: I'll try to be better at it. I'll try to open up more, alright? I can't promise anything because to me, it still feels so wrong. Telling you about it all… I just… no, okay, it's alright, I'll try," he concluded, whispering into her neck. She nodded.

"Thank you," she said, pulling him even tighter, although she thought that may not be possible.

"I hope you know I would never cheat on you," she stated after a while. Alex pulled back and frowned at her.

"Wasn't that what we just talked about?" Alex tried to joke hesitantly. She smiled but shook her head. "No, what I mean is, as my _new me_, I hope you know that I'd never cheat on you. You are perfect. There's nothing or nobody else I need in my life," she said, straightforwardly. He gave her a small smile. "And also, I'm really happy that you seem to know that. That you are 100% sure that I wouldn't do that. Because I really wouldn't. But it's really important to me that you believe it yourself as well. And I'm glad this is the way it is," she sighed heavily. Then she laughed out loud all of a sudden.

"What the hell?" Alex asked her, completely taken aback. Jo tried to catch herself but giggled wildly.

"I don't know," she laughed uncontrollably, wriggling around within his arms. "I just," she sighed and laughed again. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. Alex looked at her incredulously.

"Are you going crazy on me?" he asked bewildered. She shook her head, still giggling softly.

"It's just… it's so ridiculous," she said.

"What is?"

"All of this. You know," she asked him. He just frowned. "Everything's so messed up and complicated and everything has to be talked about and well… when I look back at how I used to know you and me… we are both not the chatty kind of people… and now this all… I mean, life itself seems to get back at us," she said. "It's not funny, I'm sorry," she said, wiping away her tears, still grinning. Alex mirrored her face.

"I know what you mean," he said, finally nodding. "Karma's a bitch. I've been thinking about that constantly," he said, getting infected by a fresh outburst of laughter from Jo. They laughed until they were both exhausted, Jo still lying in Alex' safe arms and they were looking at each other gratefully.

"Everything's going to be fine, right?" Jo commented, biting her lips. Alex closed his eyes and nodded with a smile. He pushed one of Jo's curls out of her face and caressed her cheek.

"Between you and me, no matter what's going to happen in our lives, we'll always be perfectly fine," he said, before he leaned down and kissed her with a smile on his lips.


	20. Chapter 20

The next week was spent lazily mostly at their house. They got up in the mornings, playing with their kids extensively and cooking up big dinners at night. The time in between they spent on the couch, Jo browsing through the files on their computer for pictures and reading up on interesting clinical trials and whatnot. After their talk they had had about Elliott, Alex had taken a real effort to comply with Jo's requests for more stories and information about their lives. He had answered her questions dutifully and they had shared some jokes about them. Jo could feel how he was still struggling with himself and didn't want to push it, since he genuinely seemed to try. They hadn't talked about anything serious, though, limiting stories to light-hearted everyday situations and the likes.

At night they would go to bed together, lying side by side and looking at each other longingly. Nothing ever happened though, Jo knowing Alex wasn't ready to touch her _like that_ again. She tried to be patient. She knew he was going to come around. Again, she didn't wanna push him. She was going to wait until he decided that it was time for them to sleep with each other. When she could muster, she tried to not think about it too much because it hurt her. It hurt her that he didn't even seem to need to get stuff going between them. She had thought he would explode after a while. Just like herself. She was trying not to explode. Everything inside her was pent up. Sexual energy and desire and want. She needed to touch him. And the small touches they shared only made it worse.

Nonetheless, every morning without fail they found themselves tangled up somehow. She knew Alex was trying to avoid the mention of it but he still always achieved to be awkward about it. They succumbed to not ever bringing it up when talking and upon waking up they just acted like it was the most normal thing on earth._ It was._ Jo just couldn't get her head wrapped around the fact that he wouldn't go from always touching her, sometimes even intimately, to sleeping with her. It was only a tiny leap. But he wouldn't. Maybe he thought that doing something unconsciously could justify his actions. She really didn't know.

One morning, Jo had just woken up to a still dark day – considering it was late November that was nothing out of the ordinary– she found herself in a cozy embrace with Alex. She lay, facing towards the bathroom, legs pulled up to her stomach, one of Alex's arms snaking across her right shoulder and holding on to her upper body tightly while the other one was running up and down her thigh, grazing her butt lightly. He was awake. She yawned quietly and put her hand on top of his, trying to still it.

"You are tickling me," she whispered good-naturedly, and pulled his hand towards her stomach, him immediately bolting it around her waist. She turned around only a few degrees to get a good look of his face. He was still fighting off the drowsiness of sleep and his eyes looked puffy. She smiled and leaned over to peck his lips. "Good morning," she said teasingly to a smiling Alex, who was still keeping his eyes closed. He grunted. Jo chuckled. She played with the short hair that was sticking out at his hairline and they lay in silence for a while.

"Did you get to finish your paper last night?" he asked her in a low voice, still not opening his eyes. Jo's guts were washed with excitement.

"Actually, yes, I did," she said happily. "It's so cool, I can't describe it. Their techniques are truly amazing, you should read about it," she suggested. "It'd definitely benefit your field work in Malawi, I'd guess," she pondered, Alex nodding slowly. There was a longer pause when they were both mulling over their thoughts.

"You know, if you make me look, I'm sure I could find some old records of field surgeries somewhere. We had a stack of videos in the attic. You were poring over them when you tried to decide what specialty to choose," he offered lazily. Jo's eyes widened.

"That'd be amazing, Alex," she cheered. "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Watching someone do the surgeries is a lot more exciting than reading about them," she said. He chuckled slightly.

"Sorry, forgot…," he just said, pulling her closer.

"Are you gonna wake up anytime soon or should I be getting up without you?" Jo looked at him lovingly. Alex scrunched up his face, still not ready to open his eyes.

"The kids aren't even up yet, I don't see the point," he defended himself. She studied his face. He had gotten some wrinkles over the years. No obvious ones but now that she had the chance to study him up close, she could make them out easily. She guessed that if he hadn't been cutting his hair that frequently, there would be some salt'n'pepper showing as well. She smiled.

"You know, it's nice to have some time to ourselves sometimes," Jo started slowly.

"As much as I love morning sex, not gonna happen. I feel whacked," Alex answered casually, making Jo frown. _Was he actually awake or just talking in his sleep?_ She looked at him cheekily. Suddenly, he opened his eyes and looked at her in shock, realizing what he had just said. Realizing that he had forgot about Jo's amnesia for a second. Jo laughed at his blush.

"Too bad, I was just going to say, I am totally up for it," she teased him, squeezing his waist, snuggling into his shoulder so she wouldn't be looking at his face and making him even more uncomfortable. He ran his fingers down her middle, Jo breathing in sharply. "Alex, you need to stop. You are a horrible tease. If you're not going to sleep with me, stop fumbling. It's not fair," she reprimanded him. To her surprise, he chuckled.

"Sorry," he said, turning her face up and kissing her, deeply. As usual, Jo's insides started to wrench and she could feel all of her blood going south.

"I'm serious," she murmured against his lips. He smiled, kissing a trail down her neck. "Why are you so evil?" she sighed at his touch. He grinned at her cheekily.

"Because the kids are up and I have an assured exit," he winked, Jo giving him a death glare.

"Someday you are going to suffer for this, I promise you," she said before pulling away and getting up.

Their morning was spent with driving out to Everett and picking up their new car. Alex had called Shepherd beforehand and talked to him for what seemed to Jo like an hour to assure she was ready to drive. She had been telling him he was acting silly, she didn't even remember the car crash but he wanted to make sure her brain injuries were healed properly. They came back around noon and once they had put the kids down for their naps, Alex got out the promised videos for Jo and she started watching them excitedly on her laptop, sitting on the couch next to Alex who had switched on a football game.

An hour went by and Jo was still engrossed with the surgeries, when her cell phone rang. She startled, looking up from the screen.

"Steph, hey," she answered the phone immediately.

"_Hey, Jo_," the other one replied, sounding happily. "_How are you doing_?"

"Good, good. I'm watching videos of what have to be the coolest surgeries I have ever seen in my life," Jo narrated happily. Stephanie chuckled.

"_So, remember we talked about meeting at Joe's sometime? Do you already have plans for tonight? I'm getting off early and I thought you might want to meet up?_"

"Oh, yeah, that sounds awesome. I swear, if we stay in one more night we will both go stir-crazy," Jo admitted looking over at Alex who was smiling at her conversation, still looking at the TV.

"_Oh, good, you're planning to bring Alex. I was going to ask if you'd mind if I brought Jason,_" Stephanie mused. Jo gulped. _What? _"_Jason's my boyfriend, by the way,_" Stephanie added immediately, realizing what her statement must have sounded like to her friend.

"Oh," Jo snickered, relieved. "Yeah, sure, sounds like fun," she said, leaning over to where Alex was sitting. "Do you think Lauren can sit for us tonight?" she asked him quietly. He shrugged.

"Depends on what we're doing," he grinned at her.

"Going to Joe's?" she asked him expectantly.

"Yeah, sure, I'll call her," he said. She smiled at him.

"Alright, sounds like a plan," she let Stephanie know. The other one sounded joyful.

"_Cool, let's say… 8.30?_" she asked. Jo smiled.

"We'll be there," she said. "See you later," they said their goodbyes and hung up.

After that, Jo continued watching videos while Alex had rang Lauren and asked her to cover for them. They lay on the couch lazily before getting the kids up and playing in the living room some more. Everything was very relaxed.

"So, are there any other videos… you know, videos that might show _us_?" Jo asked, sitting on the floor and cuddling Madison who still seemed grumpy after waking up to the dark weather outside. When Alex didn't reply, she looked back at him, seeing him grin at her cheekily. Jo rolled her eyes and smacked him playfully. "I didn't mean it like that, you perv," she said, chuckling. Alex laughed. Jo's face went from playful to serious in a second and she threw him a concerned look. "Oh God, are there?" she asked, making Alex laugh out even louder.

"I already told you, we are way more conventional than you might think," he told her, snickering. Jo breathed out in relief.

"I'm so glad right now, I can't even tell you," she said, pretending to wipe sweat from her forehead. "I meant like… I don't know… anything, really," she pondered. Alex screwed up his face to think.

"There might be some on your laptop actually," he said pulling the device over into his lap. "Yeah," he said. "There's one about your pregnancy," he informed her. "Little clips pulled together into one video," he explained, making her look up. She smiled excitedly.

"Let's see," she cheered.

"I'm not sure, though, isn't that the one I showed you at the hospital?" he asked her, frowning. Jo shook her head.

"Nah, you only showed me videos of the babies," she said. "None of the videos had us in them," she added. He nodded. He turned the laptop towards Jo and watched her watch them in excitement.

"Oh my goodness… I was SO FREAKING FAT," Jo commented after a while. Alex raised his eyebrows and chuckled.

"You were carrying two of them, you know," he told her matter-of-factly.

"Still, I look like a whale. No, let me correct that. I look like a pregnant whale," she said, laughing. Her hand found its way to her stomach, and she sighed. "I can't believe that's me in there. I just can't get over the fact that this," at this she pointed at her stomach, "used to be that big," she explained. "It's so weird. And it wasn't even that long ago," she shook her head, Alex smiling at her insecurely. "Hey, so, tell me about how I gave birth to them, will you?" Jo remembered him mention her natural birth at some point. Alex sighed, exhausted from all the storytelling he was practicing lately and looked at her. Jo gave him an innocent glare.

"Alright, alright," he gave in after only a second.

_Jo knocked at Alex's office, already making her way in, not anticipating to meet anyone other than Alex. She stopped in the doorway when she saw a 50 something guy sit opposite the table from Alex and talking to him intently. _

_"__Oh, I apologize, I didn't mean to interrupt," Jo said immediately, looking at her husband apologetically. The visitor smiled and got up. He looked friendly. _

_"__It's fine, Jo, we were finishing up anyways. Dr. Nkumbwa, this is my wife, Dr. Jo Wilson," Alex walked around the desk and introduced them. The doctor walked straight towards Jo and shook her hand merrily, smiling at her kindly. _

_"__Dr. Karev hasn't ever mentioned how beautiful his wife was," Dr. Nkumbwa stated, making Jo smile. _

_"Well, thank you, doctor," Jo said politely, mirroring his facial expression. _

_"__And he hadn't told us that he was going to be busy at home as well besides managing our project so diligently," he said, pointing towards her baby belly. She smiled again. "How far along are you, may I ask?" _

_"__Of course. I'm 37 weeks. But it really could be any day now. We're having twins," she explained to the kind doctor. Her conversation partner raised his eyebrows in surprise. _

_"__Oh, wow, Dr. Karev, are you sure you are going to be okay with managing everything? Maybe you should lighten your workload a bit," he chuckled. _

_"__I've been telling him so for weeks now. He won't listen. He's too dedicated to his project," Jo said, smiling at her husband adoringly, who was rolling his eyes. _

_"__Well, I will be on my way, then," Dr. Nkumbwa announced, packing up his bags. "It was really nice meeting you, Dr. Wilson," he said, shaking her hand one more time, turning around to face Alex. "Dr. Karev, it was a pleasure talking to you, as always. Let's keep in touch about the Kuduri family situation. It may not pass that easily, you know," he said, Alex nodding. _

_"Yes, I will wait patiently for an update from you," Alex said, seeing off his guest and then returning to his chair, looking up at Jo while trying to sort his papers. __"__What's up, beautiful? How are you?"_

_Jo groaned, leaning against the desk. "Horny, to be honest," she said truthfully, blushing at Alex's wide eyes. He laughed. _

_"__I thought I had taken care of that last night," he said with a smirk, pulling his wife closer. _

_"__Well, I can't seem to get that out of my head, either," she confessed shyly. Alex got up and started kissing her sensually, playing with her hair softly. Jo inhaled deeply, trying to get his belt open but groaning in frustration when once again, her belly seemed to be in the way. Alex chuckled. _

_"__Oh baby, you need to be more patient with yourself," he told her giving her a piercing look. _

_"__I can't wait for this to be gone," she pointed at her belly seemingly mad. Alex raised his eyebrows at her. _

_"__Really? And you are saying this in context of being frustrated when having sex and not because you are excited to meet our kids?" he chuckled. Her eyes grew wide. _

_"__I didn't mean it that way, you know that," she immediately corrected herself, sighing for Alex had pulled down her scrub pants and snaked his fingers underneath her panties. _

_"Well, you sure are ready," he commented slyly, earning a light smack on his head. He stood next to her, one arm around her back, kissing her wildly, and pleasuring her with his fingers. _

_"Oh God," she murmured, closing her eyes in ecstasy. Alex could feel how she was getting agitated, and got encouraged to make her even hotter for him. He stroked his fingers inside of her rhythmically while encircling her clit with pressure, making her buck her hips at his touch. She moaned repeatedly, falling into Alex's right arm evermore. Alex could feel how his penis slowly hardened. There wasn't much that turned him on like his wife coming underneath his touch. He sighed, kissing her again, deeply. _

_She wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him closer, before her eyes got wide and she pulled back abruptly. Her face was distorted and her hands flew to her stomach. Alex immediately squeezed her upper arms and tried to calm her. "Jo, talk to me, are you okay? What's going on?" _

_She looked at him wide-eyed. "I think," she stuttered. There was another cramp. "I think, I'm…," she started, suddenly yelling out and looking at Alex in horror. She looked down, realizing in annoyment that she couldn't see anything once again and added, "I think my water just broke," she said, breathing heavily. Alex just looked at her, baffled. Jo waited for him to react but he didn't. She raised her eyebrows and smiled. _

_"__Alex?" she said, trying to breath out another contraction. "Baby, you have to do something," she said, trying to stay calm. "Like, right now, please," she urged him steadily. He didn't react. She rolled her eyes, trying to deal with the pain that shot through her. "Really, Alex," she squeezed out, "That's the moment you decide to take to freak out?" she asked him, half jokingly, half mad. She reached for his phone that was lying on his desk and dialed the nurses' station. _

_"__Hi," she said, still breathing heavily. "Please, bring me a wheelchair to Dr. Karev's office, I'm going into labor," she said, waiting for a response. "Yeah, thank you," she said. "And do me a favor. Would you bring me a bucket of ice water that I can pour over my husband's head to make him react to me going into labor? Thank you very much," she added sarcastically. _

_When the nurse came in hurriedly, Alex still hadn't moved. She tried to deal with the pain while she was still talking to him frantically. "Alex, come on now, this isn't funny. You can freak out later, I need you right now," she told him madly, sitting down in the wheel chair. When the nurse wheeled her out, he followed them without a reaction. They went over to stand by the elevator when they met Meredith who looked at them with sparkly eyes. _

_"So, today's the day, huh?"_

_Jo smiled painfully, nodding. She pointed at Alex. "He has gone into shock," she informed Meredith who looked at Alex bemusedly and smacked him. _

_"Alex," she said, he turned around to look at her. "Your wife is in labor, you are supposed to make her feel better right now. Stroke her back, bring her ice chips, tell her you love her, let her break your hand, squeeze her shoulder, that kind of thing," Meredith listed. "Snap out of it, it's her time to freak out, not yours," she said, matter-of-factly. She watched them get onto the elevator, wishing them luck. _

_The midwife that already awaited the soon-to-be-parents, helped Jo up into a birth chair. Alex stood beside her, still not having said anything. She looked at him, slowly turning to desperate. _

_"__Alex, please," she begged him. "Please, snap out of it. As funny as I think this, I need you right now," she tugged at his shirt. The midwife grinned knowingly. _

_"Yeah, that always freaks them out, no matter their surgical careers. But watching their wives give birth is traumatizing," she chuckled. Jo turned her face around to stare at the middle aged woman. _Was that the kind of thing she thought was calming laboring moms?_ She sighed.__"__Well, doctors, this is not going to be long," she said, looking at her cervix. "How long have you been laboring?"_

_Jo looked at her in surprise. "Except for the normal contractions the past six weeks, not at all. They started like twenty minutes ago," she explained. The midwife looked at her in surprise, also. _

_"__These are your first kids, right?" Jo nodded. "Well, good for you. You are already at 7 centimeters. Keeping in mind that twins will be a lot smaller than a singleton, we'll start the pushing very soon," she said matter-of-factly. Jo gulped. W_hat? She was going to have a baby now? Like in the next hour?_ She could feel her heart beat rapidly._

_"__Alex," she turned around to look at her husband, reprimanding him in a sharp tone. "Look at me," she turned his face around to look at her and taking his hand to lie on her stomach. "I'm scared, too, alright? But I need you in this. You need to snap out of it and help me, alright? I can't do this without you," she said, begging. He nodded, suddenly getting agitated. _

_"__What does she need? How much did she dilate already? Where's the doctor?" he started. Jo let out a long breath. _Thank god, he had snapped out of it._ She squeezed his hand tightly when another contraction hit her. Alex turned around to look at her, petting her head softly, shushing her. He leaned in to whisper in her ear, making her close her eyes. __"__It's going to be okay," he started softly, intertwining his hand with hers on her big belly. "You're going to do great. It's almost time. We're going to see our babies in no time. They're gonna be so perfect," he rambled soothingly, watching her face distort in pain while she was nodding, thinking about what he was saying to her. "We're having our babies, Jo," he purred into her ear, making her smile. A single tear was streaming down her face._

_"It hurts, Alex," she said, breathing steadily. _

_"__I know, baby, I know," he said. "I'm sorry," he said. "You're doing great," he reassured her. They continued this for another hour before the midwife decided it was time. _

_"__We're at 9 centimeters, with the next contraction, you will need to start pushing, Jo, alright?" she informed the soon-to-be-mother. She nodded. She took Alex's hand into hers and tried to lean forward a little bit. Alex put his second hand on her back and started rubbing it soothingly. "Alright, push now," the midwife ordered, and Jo's face distorted horribly, almost breaking Alex's fingers. _

_"Oh God, oh God, it hurts so badly," Jo cried out. _

_"You're doing great, Jo," the midwife said, trying to motivate her.__"Give me another push," she ordered. Jo complied with everything the nurse said, pushing and breathing and helping the baby come out. Alex hated watching her. There wasn't anything he could do to help her with the pain. He rubbed her back soothingly, letting her squeeze his hand but other than that, there wasn't anything he could do. He watched the belly tremble with contractions and sighed. It had been three and a half hours. He wondered how long this would go on._

_"__Alex," Jo cried out again, tears streaming down her face, shaking her head. "Alex, I can't do this anymore," she said, whimpering. "I'm so tired," she pressed out. Alex's heart ached for her. He pulled her close, kissing her deeply. _

_"Hey, hey, Jo, you are doing a brilliant job," he calmed her. "The baby is almost out," he said. "It's only gonna be a few more pushes," he said, stroking her hair, kissing her lips softly, while she kept crying. _

_"Yeah, and then there's another baby, having to get out," she snarled at him sarcastically. Alex smiled. _That's what he needed to hear. Jo's usual feistiness._ She squeezed his hand again, pushing and screaming. _

_"I can see your baby's head," the midwife announced cheerily. "Come on, Jo, it's not gonna be long now, give me another big push to get its shoulders out."_

_Alex looked down between Jo's legs to see a blood-smeared head resting in the midwife's gloved hands. Jo pulled him back desperately. _

_"Don't look, please," she begged him, making him smile. _

_"Oh, baby," he said, kissing her cheek. _

_"No, don't look, I don't want you to never touch me again," she cried. He laughed, kissing her lips. _

_"You're an idiot," he told her, earning a smack. _

_"Really? I'm in excruciating pain because I'm having _your_ babies at the moment and you tell me I'm an idiot?" Jo said, before scrunching up her face again, letting out a loud groan. _

_"One more push and the baby's out," the midwife told them, and got ready. Jo looked up at Alex's eyes in pain. _

_"We're having a baby," he told her smiling, and Jo pushed as hard as she could. Alex could see how Jo's belly convolved slightly, before he heard the sharp cry of a new-born baby. He froze looking at the blood-smeared, puffed up baby in the smiling midwife's hands. _

_"It's a girl," she exclaimed laughing, before a nurse wrapped her up in a blanket and they cut the umbilical cord. Jo had leaned back slightly, squeezing his hand tightly, crying. _

_He looked at her completely taken aback. "We have a baby," he said unbelievingly, making Jo smile with tears running down steadily. _

_"We have a baby girl," she answered, not being able to get a grip on herself. Alex leaned down towards her and kissed her deeply. She smiled at him. Her eyes reflected wonder and amazement and shock and disbelief, the exact same emotions Alex was going through. They both looked up when the nurse brought the girl over for them to look at her. Their eyes got wide. _

_"__Oh my God," Jo's hand shot up to her mouth. "It's our baby," she whispered. The nurse chuckled. _

_"Congratulations," she said, taking a few steps away again. _

_"Where is she going?" Jo exclaimed desperately. "Where is she taking my baby?" she asked frantically, before her uterus cramped up again and her second amniotic sac broke. She sighed, making Alex smile. _

_"Well," Alex said, feeling her pain. "First we'll need to take care of baby boy being born, as well, then they'll bring both in, I promise," he told her soothingly, making her nod. The midwife reached into her uterus trying to find out if the twin baby was lying in the right direction. She could feel his head. _

_"__By the way, I changed my mind," Jo pressed out after she gave another hard push, Alex watching all the blood that was streaming out of her. _

_"About what?" he whispered towards her. _

_"__You are not gonna touch me _ever_ again, I promise," she said, closing her eyes in discomfort. He chuckled, leaning towards her and kissing her temple. _

_"I'm sorry, baby," he whispered into her ear, squeezing her hand. "I wish I could help you with this," he murmured, her tears wetting his face as well._

_She got a hold of Alex and leaned herself forwards again to make it easier to push the baby out. "Well, here he comes," the midwife announced, making Jo push in anticipation. The second baby came out much quicker than their first baby, but to be fair even their daughter had been born in record time. Alex thought to himself how glad he was about that knowing how difficult the pregnancy had already been on Jo and he sighed in relief when he heard his son shriek at the first encounter with the outside world. "It's a boy," the midwife smiled and squeezed the little one into a blanket as well. Jo cried, reaching out for him. _

_"__Oh my God, I can't believe this," she whispered frantically, before they took him away to do the tests. Alex looked at her adoringly when she turned her face to smile at him. "We're parents," she said, unbelievingly._

_Alex smiled at her widely before bending down and kissing her feverishly. He could feel how tears were streaming down his face as well and Jo reached up to wipe them away, smiling. She laughed exhaustedly. "Well, congratulations, doctors, they are beautiful," the midwife told them. Jo gave birth to the placentas and they cleaned her up before pushing her into a private room and bringing in their brand-new babies. Alex and Jo both looked up, their hearts racing. The two nurses carrying the two small bundles in smiled at them brightly. _

_"__Congratulations, Dr. Wilson and Dr. Karev," they chimed up, handing Jo baby boy while Alex got baby girl into his hands. They both looked down at their newborns. Minutes passed without anyone saying anything. Everyone had left the room to let them have their special moment meeting their kids. Alex sat down at the edge of the bed and held his daughter next to his son for them to be able to look at them both. Jo smiled at him. _

_"God, they're so beautiful," she said, not believing that she was actually holding _her _babies. _

_"Yes, they really are," Alex said, bending down to kiss them both softly, before kissing his wife again. "I can't believe you did it," he said truthfully. "You were absolutely amazing," he said, looking at her eyes earnestly. _

_"I couldn't have done it without you," she said, smiling at him gratefully. "Which was almost the case," she teased him slightly for what had happened before she went into labor. He smiled sheepishly. _

_"Sorry about that," he said, making her chuckle. _

_They looked down at their kids, sleeping off the exhaustion of coming into this world. "Look at them," she said dreamily. "They look so content," she said. _

_"Well, they're knocked out," he pointed out, looking back up at his wife. "You should be sleeping as well, you know," he told her. She smiled, shaking her head. _

_"I don't want to," she said, looking back at her treasures. "I wanna stare at them forever," she said, making him chuckle. "So, it's not going to be Ethan and Nathan, but Ethan and Madison, huh?" she continued looking up at him expecting an answer. He nodded. _

_"Sounds perfect to me," he said, looking back down. "Welcome to our family, Ethan and Madison," he said, trying to get into his head that he had _actually_ just become a daddy. _


	21. Chapter 21

Alex was driving through the dark streets stretching the speed limits since they were already late. He sighed when they hit another red light.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Jo asked him, crossing her legs to face him. "It's just Stephanie and Jason and they won't be mad if we are a little late," she pointed out.

"I'm not in a hurry. I just don't like red lights," he said. She rolled her eyes.

"Always so impatient," she commented on his behavior. They sat in silence for a bit until Jo chuckled and shook her head. Alex glanced at her quickly before focusing on the road again.

"What's funny?"

"I still can't believe we were about to… do it when we had the babies," she smiled a little bashfully. Alex smirked.

"Well, it's old news that orgasms can kick-start labor, you know that," Alex told her indifferently, shrugging.

"Yeah, I know, it's just… I didn't think that you could actually have sex with two babies in your uterus at 37 weeks," Jo laughed.

"We didn't actually have sex," Alex winked at her. "We did though, the night before," he smiled, remembering it as if it had been days before. He tried to block out the very clear image in his head. _Stop haunting me, naked Jo. I'm trying to be a good guy here for once. _

"Of course," she replied, smiling at the thought of it. "I can't believe I let you see me naked looking like _that_," she commented dryly, like she had been having the same image in her mind.

"Horny trumps embarrassment," Alex replied, making Jo laugh. It still didn't make sense that by now, Alex could talk about having sex so freely but not actually do it. He sure was one complicated guy. And she loved him even more for it. "And besides, you were gorgeous," he commented, making Jo blush slightly. They arrived at Joe's and after parking the car they walked in, finding Stephanie and her boyfriend already occupying a booth.

"Hey guys," Stephanie exclaimed, getting up to hug them. "Jo, you look beautiful," she said, "And well-rested," she added.

"Well, I'm actually enjoying my sick leave to the fullest at the moment," Jo laughed and hugged her friend back.

"Jo, this is my boyfriend Jason," Stephanie turned around to introduce her boyfriend. They shook hands and she smiled at his face.

"I know this is awkward," she smiled at him knowingly. "We've probably met before, right?" she asked him good-naturedly. He nodded. "It's fine, don't worry about treating me any differently," she told him. He looked relieved. They got some drinks and small talked for a while, Alex putting a casual arm around Jo while he talked guy talk with Jason.

"So, how's everything going?" Stephanie asked, excitedly.

"Pretty good, actually," Jo smiled at her. "The kids really enjoy having us both at home I guess," she narrated. "Not for long though, Alex is starting work back on Monday as far as I know," she said, leaning herself into his hug. Stephanie nodded.

"You guys are probably bored out of your mind already, right?" she chuckled.

"You bet," Jo nodded theatrically. "I didn't know having so much time on your hands could be that difficult, to be honest!" They laughed together.

"Well, I can't wait for you to come back to work," Stephanie voiced. "It's time, you know, it's been… over a month, right?" Jo nodded.

"I don't know, though," she articulated her cares. "I'm not quite sure how to go back to work," she said. "To be honest I have no idea what I'm doing. The last thing I can remember is messing up constantly because I was an intern. And it was okay for me to mess up. But now I'm supposed to be an attending trauma surgeon. I don't really know how to handle that," Jo mused. Stephanie looked at her, nodding.

"Yeah, must be hard. But you know, you can take it easy. You'll have Kepner following you like a stray and nobody expects you to start back on full terms. You'll get there. You'll just need to take it slow and give yourself some slack. I think you put out the highest expectations to yourself," she reasoned.

"Probably, yeah," Jo agreed, thinking about it hard.

"How's it going with Alex?" Stephanie's eyes twinkled. Jo smiled at her questioningly.

"Anything specific you are talking about?" She asked her skeptically. Stephanie giggled.

"No, not really," she laughed. "I just wanted to get the gist," she said.

"Yeah, we're fine. Taking baby steps, to be frank, but well, better than nothing, right?" she sounded a little exasperated.

"Let me guess, Alex is the one controlling the speed of your progress," Stephanie inquired. Jo nodded. Her friend rolled her eyes.

"He's such a softie. I can't believe him. Acting all tough and hardcore at work but not daring to take a leap at home. He's an idiot," Stephanie ranted good-heartedly, looking over at Alex. Jo smiled at how close everyone seemed. She loved that Stephanie and Alex were actually getting along.

"It's okay. I wish he'd go a tiny bit faster but he will have all the time he needs," she said quietly, not wanting Alex to hear.

"You know, it was you who was in the accident and you who can't remember. Why does he get the slack?"

"Because… he has fears, too. It's not that easy, Steph, trust me. He's really trying. And we made huge progress since we are out of the hospital. I mean, we can even talk about sex now. What do you think about that?" Jo laughed and infected Stephanie with it, making both the guys look at them weirdly.

"Oh, he is such a grown-up, unbelievable," Stephanie commented sarcastically.

"Are you talking about me?" Alex asked gruffly. Jo grabbed his hand that was rounding her waist and intertwined it with her fingers, looking at him cheekily.

"Yes, we are talking boys," she gave him a dramatic look and pulled him in to kiss his lips gently, immediately pulling away again, making him chuckle. "Don't you dare listen to us. Go back to your guy stuff," she grinned at him while he pulled her closer to kiss her neck. Stephanie watched them in surprise. From what Jo had been telling her, she hadn't anticipated them being that close with each other. They almost looked like… like they were completely back to normal.

"I thought you told me the other day that he wouldn't touch you?" she asked a little confused, once Alex had turned back to talk about some Scottish Whiskey he had been wanting to try. Jo sighed.

"Well, I didn't mean it in a casual setting," she answered, a blush creeping over her cheeks. Stephanie caught on quickly and nodded understandingly.

"Oh," she just commented, not knowing what to reply.

"Yeah," Jo just said, letting out a frustrated sigh. "And it's… killing me," she said, chuckling. Stephanie nodded.

"I imagine," she said. "Do you talk about that?"

"Well," Jo tried to find the right words. "We have talked about it before but early on after the accident. And he was saying that he didn't wanna hurt me more and it felt wrong to him that he was touching me because I couldn't remember and the last time I remember him was when I was 'grossed out' thinking about doing it with him. Which actually isn't true and I told him that but he's still insecure. I've been thinking maybe he's scared I won't like it or something, I don't know… or maybe he's scared that… that… I don't know… I really don't know to be honest. However, like this morning we completely casually talked about not sleeping with each other. That was pretty new I must say," she recalled, puzzled.

"You talked about _not _sleeping with each other? You guys are so weird," Stephanie laughed.

"No, I told him off for teasing me if he wasn't gonna sleep with me anytime soon," Jo explained.

"That is… _fair_ I guess," Stephanie decided. They sat in silence for a while.

"Hey, Stephanie, can I ask you something completely else? I mean… we haven't seen each other for a while and I just… I needed an opinion on something," Jo asked, a little insecure about Alex sitting next to hear and the possibility of him overhearing. Stephanie identified the look she was giving her and got up.

"Hey guys, we're empty, getting another beer at the bar," she said, Jason nodding, Alex looking skeptically. _Why could he read her so easily? _Jo thought to herself smiling. Alex gave her a look but she only shook her head and pecked his lips.

"Girl talk," she murmured against his lips and he sighed. The girls got themselves a second round of beers and walked over to stand in line for the darts vendor.

"What's up?" Stephanie asked interestedly.

"Well, I have a question," Jo said, trying to find the best way to ask what had been bothering her.

"What would you say, if I told you that I had been cheating on Alex? I mean, before the accident," Jo looked at Stephanie, her eyes slits, observing her friend's reaction closely. Stephanie looked taken aback for one second before bursting with laughter, making the people around them look at her. Jo raised her eyebrows anticipating an answer. Stephanie tried to calm herself before looking at Jo incredulously.

"I'd tell you, I'm not in the mood to get punked tonight," she said, sincerity lacing her voice. She took a swig of her beer, not breaking the eye contact. "And also, if you wanted to punk me, please, be original and think of something more plausible," she said. Jo sighed.

"Alright," she said after a second. "Not the reaction I was expecting but okay," she giggled softly.

"No, seriously, Jo, what the hell are you talking about? And why are we talking about this _again_?"

"Well, Alex told me about Elliott," Jo began, waiting for a reaction. Stephanie nodded, waiting for elaboration.

"I thought that might be where this was coming from," she said. "I wouldn't have thought, though, that you might jump to thinking you had an affair," she admitted.

"I didn't really. Just for a few moments. It was just… Alex didn't tell me about it right away and it just… it seemed like this big mystery and he didn't wanna tell me and Elliott was always there… so I kept coming up with possible reasons for it and that was one of them," she explained. Stephanie nodded again.

"Alright, sounds reasonable. Sometimes it's not that easy to follow your thoughts because for us it's hard to imagine not knowing some things. So, yes, now that you've clarified your thought, I get why you might have thought that. But believe me, you wouldn't be able to cheat on Alex," Stephanie calmed her. "At least not the Jo that I know. I know I told you before but you are madly in love with your husband," she said. "And also, you are a real charmer when it comes to adultery," Stephanie added with a hairy look on her face.

"How so?" Jo asked, surprise showing in her face.

"Well, as much as you really despise commenting on other people's lives and decisions… we kind of had some incidents at the hospital where we heard about some people cheating on their partners… and you were… well… very opinionated about that," Stephanie tried to reconstruct the story without going into the details. Jo raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, was I?" she asked rhetorically. There was a short laugh between them.

"Could you imagine yourself cheating on Alex?" Stephanie asked more concerned now thinking about the possible origin of Jo's question.

"No, not at all. That was my problem as such. I couldn't have accepted the fact that I would have because… I just… no… I wouldn't do that… but then I didn't think Elliott would stalk me either…," she stated, making Stephanie nod in agreement. "Imagine that hadn't happened like it did and I had still been groping for reasons and I had come up with Elliott stalking me even though it wasn't true… try imagine the eyes Alex would have given me then…," she smiled. Stephanie chuckled.

"True, I didn't ever think about that," she said sighing. "Your life must be so crazy right now, learning all that stuff and trying to distinguish true from imagined," she realized slowly. Jo nodded. "I'm amazed how well you are doing considering," she complimented her.

"Well, I'm really trying," Jo said. "But then again, I seem to have built myself a wonderful life. It's perfect. I have Alex who loves me unconditionally it seems. I have the twins who are the most beautiful creatures I have met in my life. I have a successful career it seems, a beautiful house, expensive cars, amazing friends," she looked at her sincerely. "I think it would be an exaggeration to be uncomfortable with that life," Jo concluded. Stephanie smiled.

"You do look very happy," Stephanie agreed.

"Speaking of which," Jo nudged her friend. "Tell me all about your _boyfriend_," she looked at her in anticipation. Stephanie smiled over at the guys.

"He's… he's perfect. He really is. We've been going out for a year now and he's… well, he's perfect. I wouldn't have thought I would ever be able to date someone who's not a surgeon as well," she chuckled.

"Oh, he's not?" Jo asked, wondering. "How does that work?"

"Well, he's a research assistant, so he is acquainted with the medical world. He logs a lot of hours, too. And he's so considerate and resilient and he's just… he's making my life a lot easier," she concluded.

"Well, that sounds awesome," Jo squeezed her friend's upper arm. Stephanie smiled at her gratefully.

"You know, it wasn't easy for me to find my way through residency," Stephanie admitted making Jo look up from her beer. "I didn't have someone like Alex," she started. "I didn't have anyone much after Jackson dumped me. I mean, I did hook up with guys, you know, I just… I missed having the stability of a relationship, the support and the back-up. I was constantly scared that my history with Jackson would eventually cost me my spot on the program which was complete bullshit but _that_ I didn't realize until way up in our 4th year or something… so, I had a few hard years. But then I met Jason and he took some of my fears. He's… I mean… he's…," Stephanie tried to describe her feelings, looking at Jason with glimmering eyes.

"Do you love him?" Jo asked her cautiously. Stephanie looked over at her, pondering. She took a deep breath.

"I do," she said eventually, a small smile playing on her lips. "I do love him," she said. "I didn't think I would in the beginning… but I… I just fell for him and couldn't help it," she explained.

"Well," Jo nodded, knowing the feeling all too well. "That's what love is about. You can't help it. You just fall and can't stop it," she smiled at Stephanie.

"I'm so glad you made it out okay, Jo," Stephanie voiced, a little unsure. "I wouldn't know what to do without you," she said. Jo smiled trying to hide her burning eyes. She was so glad she had found a friend like Stephanie.

"Are you guys having a moment?" Jason startled them, putting his arms around Stephanie and kissing her cheek, making her blush. The guys snickered. Jo turned back watching Alex stride towards her, smiling at him. He hugged her side, nuzzling his nose in the crook of her neck. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment. Then she opened them back up and looked at Alex lovingly. His eyes were burning holes into hers and she could feel goose bumps covering her body. She gulped not breaking the gaze. Alex's thumb was painting circles on her hip and she could feel his staggering upper body pressed up against hers. She had completely suppressed their whereabouts for a moment. Her eyes fluttered close when he bent down to kiss her, softly, longingly.

"Alright, you two, stop making us all feel uncomfortable with all that palpable desire going on between you two," Stephanie interrupted their moment rudely. "You go get yourselves a room if you need it that bad," she continued, making them both blush. She laughed. "And now you feel self-conscious, really? You guys are adorable," she said mockingly. "Do you wanna play darts?" she asked them, both nodding happily.

They had some fun for a while, having a laugh about one thing and the next, teasing each other for sucking at the game and teaming up against each other, first girls vs boys, then couples challenging each other and lastly switching partners, concluding that romantic partners might not be perfect for each other in winning a game together. Everything was so easy and casual, Jo felt like this was truly working out for her. She had been dreading to think about the fact that her amnesia might never change to the better but watching her friends and husband joke around and have a good time, she could only think how lucky she was and that she would be fine, no matter if her memories got back or not.

"Remember that one time when we played darts interns vs residents/attendings?" Stephanie held her stomach from laughing too much. Alex who had just taken a sip from his beer almost spit it out, laughing and nodding. Jo and Jason looked at them curiously. "That was hysterical," Stephanie tried to breathe.

"Yeah, for you maybe," Alex commented, taking his turn and scoring 110 points. Jo looked at him, acknowledging his well-executed shots.

"Do tell," she said, watching Stephanie giggle in amusement.

"Well, it was during our… hm… wait, when was that?" she turned to look at Alex who shrugged dismissively. Stephanie turned back to Jo, rolling her eyes. "What year of residency did you guys get married again?" she asked her, frowning.

Jo looked back at her, bemused. "I have no idea," she said, giving Alex a pointed look, trying actively to make him feel uncomfortable about the fact that he wasn't coughing up a whole lot about their romantic history. He looked at her soberly.

"Um…," he tried to recall the dates. "You started your 5th year of residency after we came back from our honeymoon, I believe," he turned over to Stephanie. "Does that sound right?" Stephanie nodded appreciatively.

"Yeah, that makes sense. We were in our last year and the new interns had just come in and it wasn't anything official going on but lots of people from staff came down here that one night and we had quite some fun. We had decided to play darts, interns vs attendings/residents," Stephanie started the story, trying to get her laughter under control.

_[October 2016]_

_Jo had had a long day and one of her long-time patients had died on her watch which had devastated her. Even though they had anticipated a downward trend with the patient's health, his untimely death had shaken her. She knew Alex was still in surgery, so she tagged along with Stephanie and Ben who were heading towards Joe's. It was packed in there that night and it seemed like there was a lot of fun going on. She could make out Hunt, Grey, Kepner and Avery in one booth, interns crowding around the darts vendor and nurses and other staff members throughout the bar and at the tables. She raised her eyebrows at the scene. "What's going on?" she asked Stephanie who just shrugged her shoulders. Callie Torres and Arizona Robbins had just come in behind her when they tried to take a seat somewhere. _

_They walked towards the bar and got their beers and watched the on-goings merrily. After a second round of beers, they saw how the interns had slowly creeped towards the attendings' table and talked to them now. The attendings all seemed to laugh about something. She just wanted to turn back when Avery gave her a shout out. "Jo," he called, waving her over. She looked at him dismissively but walked over towards their table when Grey motioned for her to get closer as well. __"__The interns wanna challenge us in a game of darts," Jackson explained, making her raise her eyebrows. "Do you wanna play on our team?" he asked and she could see how his competitive side had overcome him. She chuckled._

_"__I suck at darts," she just replied, wanting to make her way back to the bar. _

_"__We all do," Grey looked at her sympathetically. _

_"__But they can't know that," Torres stared at her with a threatening gaze. Jo grinned. _

_"__Oh, what the hell, let's show them who's the boss in here," Jo exclaimed, making the attendings laugh and get up. Stephanie strolled over to them and joined their team while Ben had met Bailey at the bar and seemed to be in deep conversation with her. _

_"__So, who's on the other team?" Jo asked April skeptically. _

_"__Um… How should I know all their names if you don't?" Her mentor looked back at her, annoyed. _

_"__Um, because you are the one always preaching about how every intern is a person and it makes them succeed if you treat them like it," Jo told her mockingly, making Torres laugh. _

_"__You go, girl," she cheered her on. Everybody laughed. _

_They played several rounds and Jo had had at least one too many beers, having the time of her life, laughing until her stomach started hurting when she saw Alex and one of the interns enter the bar from the corner of her eyes. She still felt the butterflies flutter inside her guts whenever she saw him. She smiled slightly, before taking another turn in throwing the darts. _

_"__Not bad, Wilson," Robbins cheered for her team member proudly. Alex had gotten a beer and strolled over to stand with Jackson and chat whereas the intern tagging along after him had socialized herself with her fellow female interns on the other side. Jo watched them look at Alex intensely before breaking out in giggles. _

_"__I swear this year's batch seems more ridiculous than any of the last ones," Grey commented quietly, only for them to hear. Jo smiled slightly, shaking her head. _

_"__You know there's already a betting pool within the interns of who'll score with Karev the soonest," Torres turned around to inform Jo. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. _

_"__Oh, really," she said, grinning and waving at her dismissively. "I'll be keen to find out who that'll be," she winked at Grey who smiled at her good-naturedly. Alex who had been engrossed in the conversation with Jackson hadn't noticed anything, sipped at his beer and glanced over at his wife who was winking at him cheekily. He smiled, turning back to Jackson. _

_"__How did it go with your intern today?" Jackson asked him meaningfully. Alex sighed. _

_"__Well, could have been worse. She was… nervous. But all in all she did what I told her and barely messed up. Just like any other intern," he informed the fellow board member. Jackson nodded. _

_"__I swear, this year's batch seem dumber than the last ones," he commented. Alex rolled his eyes._

_"__We always say that and you know it's not true. I mean, they're all idiots but we only think they're more stupid than last year's because we get to see their stupidity over and over and over again," Alex reasoned rationally, making Jackson look at him mockingly. _

_"__Since when did you become such a reasonable superior?" he chuckled. Alex shook his head. _

_"__Shut up," he took a drink of his beer and smirked. _

_Jo who had decided two beers ago that she was way wasted and had just flunked her shots at the dartboard, turned around towards Stephanie and murmured, "I think it's time to claim my territory." Stephanie laughed and turned around, watching the interns still sighing for the attending. Jo made her way over towards Alex and surprised him in putting her hands around his neck and kissing him full on the lips. When she pulled back, he stared at her skeptically, trying to hide a smile._

_"__How drunk are you?" he asked her, slightly pushing her off of him, giving Jackson an exasperated look who just threw his hands in the air commenting about how he had nothing to do with how drunk Jo was. They chuckled. Jo stood before him, nodding exaggeratingly. _

_"__I'm wasted," she told him, making him shake his head and snicker. _

_"__Yeah, I can see that," he said, turning back to his conversation with Jackson. Jo walked back to where Stephanie was standing and looked at her expectantly. _

_"__You should have seen their faces," Stephanie burst out laughing. "They were all like… _what is she doing?_ And then they gave you this distasteful all-over body check," she laughed. Jo chuckled, rolling her eyes. They finished the round and cheeringly took the win back home. Callie Torres was out of her mind excited, ordering a round of shots for everybody but the interns. They chuckled. It was a good evening. They all sat down, shattering all over the bar and chatted some more before people started leaving for the night. _

_Alex had just gotten up and walked over to the bar to retrieve another round of beers for him and Jackson and a water for Jo who had had way enough, when he could feel a hand sliding up from his ass to his sides. It definitely wasn't Jo's, he could tell. He turned around and looked at the person, startled. It was the intern whose name he had forgotten but had scrubbed in with him that day. He looked at her in surprise, speechless. When he didn't say anything and just gave her big eyes, she leaned in and kissed him. He pushed her away immediately, staring at her weirdly. The crowd around the table quieted down a little, one by one noticing the scene. _

_"__Um, excuse me," Jo looked at the intern incredulously. The girl looked back at her with an annoyed face. "What do you think you're doing?" Jo asked, half skeptically, half not being able to hide a grin. _

_"__It's none of your business," the intern said cockily, turning back to Alex who looked at her with a mixture of amusement and vicarious embarrassment on his face and walked by her back to his chair next to Jo._

_"__It sure is my business," Jo replied testily, feeling Alex's hand squeeze her thigh in an attempt to calm her down. She wasn't mad but she couldn't believe how bold that intern was. _

_"__You do know that Dr. Wilson and Dr. Karev are married, right?" Meredith spoke up, trying to hide her laughter as well. They all watched the intern's face falling gradually, losing all expression, making wide eyes at them, a shade of deep red covering her everything. A hand flew up to her mouth and she started running towards the bathroom, deeply embarrassed. The people at the table burst out laughing, everyone pretty much trashed. Jo turned round to look at Alex and made a point of wiping his mouth with her sleeve before kissing him. He pulled her closer, squeezing her waist lovingly, before breaking the kiss. _

_"__You are too drunk for your own good, you know that?" Alex assessed sighing. She chuckled. _

_"__Yeah, and I'm tired," she said. "Take me home?" she asked him, giving him her innocent deer eyes. He smiled at her genuinely and nodded. _

_"__Let me finish my beer real quick, alright?"_

[Back in 2019]

Jo burst out laughing at the story they had just told her. "Wow, that is really embarrassing," she commented, making the other ones nod. "So, they actually didn't know that we were married?" Jo asked the other ones. They shook their heads.

"Seems that way," Stephanie answered. "But to be honest, I never asked," she admitted.

"Wow," Jo sighed. "I would never have dared to even look at an attending while I was still an intern," she voiced, making Alex and Stephanie give her patronizing looks. "No, you know what I mean, guys," she said. "It wasn't like that with us," she said, trying to convince them. "I would have never gone over to Alex even though I might have been… attracted to him… and just kissed him. I mean, who does that? And in front of every other doctor in this hospital it seems? In front of the chief of surgery?" she looked at them incredulously.

"I think Lloyd actually thought that when _you_ kissed him and he reacted a little gruffly, you know, pushing you away because you were drunk that you were doing the exact same thing. You know, just trying to 'seduce' an attending. That may have even encouraged her, since he had pushed you away," Stephanie explained her view of the story. Jo mulled that over in her head and realized that she might have had a point with that. Then she chuckled.

"Yeah, but still, this is ridiculous behavior…," she concluded, Alex nodding at her.

"You don't say," he just said, throwing his darts.

"By the way," Stephanie looked at Jo, bemused, pointing to a girl sitting at the bar. "That's the one," she chuckled. Jo turned around seeing a mid-twenties doctor sitting at the bar with some other colleagues she guessed, turning around quickly when they saw who was looking at them. Jo smiled.

"How's that workplace relationship going?" she asked rhetorically. Stephanie laughed.

"Well, I think she's ruled out Trauma and Peds pretty early in her career," she snorted. They finished up their game and drinks and called it a night soon after, both couples going their separate ways.

When they arrived home, they released Lauren off her duties and went to bed quickly. They lay side by side, both staring at the ceiling before Jo started to giggle. Alex looked over at her in amusement. "What?" he asked, wanting to share the good mood.

"Oh, nothing," she said, turning around to face him. "Just replaying the story in my mind," she confessed, still laughing quietly. He smiled. "I honestly think if I ever did that I would have never in my life dared going back to that hospital," she mused. Alex snorted.

"Remember that time when Hunt felt you up?" he looked at her in anticipation. Jo remembered clear as day, still embarrassed about the situation and letting her hands fly up to cover her face.

"Oh God, that was so awful," she called out, laughing, infecting Alex.

"Yeah," he said. "You went back to work the same day," he pointed out. Jo looked over at him mockingly.

"Well, but it wasn't my fault he did it," she defended herself. "If anything, he should have resigned from Chief of Surgery knowing what he had done to me," she said, cockily. Alex snickered. They lay in comfortable silence for a while before Jo initiated another topic.

"I really enjoyed tonight," she admitted, looking over at her better half. "It feels good to go out sometimes, seeing other faces, laughing about other people's stories," she said, her eyes twinkling. Alex nodded, agreeing to her statement.

"I told you back at the hospital you were gonna get sick with seeing _us_ all the time at some point," he told her knowingly, winking at her. She smiled.

"I didn't say that," she corrected him. "I enjoyed being with you just as much as with Stephanie and Jason," she said, grabbing for Alex's hand to entangle their fingers. "I just can't see the insides of this freaking house anymore," she chuckled.

"Yeah, I can't wait for both of us to go back to work, to be honest," he chimed in. She smiled back at him. "And I promise," he tried to soothe her, "you're going to be just fine."


	22. Chapter 22

Alex and Jo had talked to each other until they had both gone to blissful sleep eventually. Next thing Jo knew, she woke up to a horrible shrieking and wrestling besides her. First she thought, she was having another nightmare but when she propped herself up on her elbows and looked around the dark dazedly, she found Alex tossing around and making horrible noises. Jo froze. Alex was holding on tightly to handfuls of bed linen, having pulled them out of their proper place, his arms cramping, his legs kicking out wildly, face distorted horribly and shrieking like she had never heard anyone in her life before. "Nooo," he screamed in pain before hitting the mattress so hard, she could feel the vibrations of it underneath her. Jo's eyes went wide with fear, glazing over with tears. She felt like her heart was breaking with every beat it took, breaking for Alex' pain, watching him suffer. "Noooo, Joooo," he whimpered in a terrible voice, flailing around. "Don't die on me, Jo, don't leave me," she heard between frantic whispers of words she couldn't by the life of her make out. Jo's pulse accelerated quickly, goose bumps running down her spine. Her blood pressure made her feel like she couldn't breathe properly.

"Alex," she whispered frantically, trying to get a hold of his arms but he was lashing out uncontrollably. "Alex, wake up," she cried, her voice trembling. "Please, Alex, please, wake up," she begged, getting a hold of his arm that was already trying to rip off pieces of sheets. "Oh, baby, please, wake up," she continued, feeling how the pain slowly creeped into her guts, making her buck and close her eyes. "I'm here, Alex, I'm alive, please just look at me," she wrestled with him, trying to inch closer. Alex' strength seemed unmanageable, but Jo finally got to wrap her arms around Alex' neck so tightly, she thought she might break him. Alex still fought against her embrace, not having woken yet. His screams almost ripped her eardrum but what was worse than that, it almost ripped out her heart. She could feel tears streaming down her face and she started sobbing. "Alex, please, wake up, I'm here, I'm alive, please, _please_, stop fighting me, I'm right here, see, I'm right here in your arms, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not dying," she tried to soothe him frantically.

When she could feel his arms tightening around her from one moment to the next, she knew he must have woken. He pulled them apart to look at her face in horror. They stared at each other's eyes, Alex breathing heavily from exhausting himself within his dreams. He just stared at her, not quite grasping what had happened. _She was alive. She was right there, in his arms. Jo had survived. She had not died. She was right there, looking at him. Waiting for him to react. She was right there. _He could feel his whole body shaking wildly, and all of a sudden his face erupted with tears, his whole upper body cramping from the pain he was feeling inside, from hurting so much for thinking he had lost her. He crumpled up within the comfort of her arms and started sobbing. They were both trembling terribly.

Jo felt like she was dying. She had never in her life experienced pain like she just had, watching Alex cry and moan for her. She held him tightly, while he was wetting her shirt with all his tears. He was shaking and she started running her hands up and down his back to try to soothe him. After several minutes he moved up slightly, inching upwards, towards her head, hugging her to him with firm hands, resting his head on her shoulder, still weeping, kissing her neck over and over and over again.

"I'm right here, Alex," she voiced soothingly, "I'm right here." Still gripping onto him tightly, she withdrew her hand from his back momentarily to wipe away the tears that were still running down her face. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm safe, I'm safe here with you," she kept on whispering, trying to pull him closer, trying to make him feel better but he was still shaking wildly. "Oh god," she could feel how the soothing didn't have an effect on herself and she broke down on top of him, not being able to keep it in. "I'm so sorry, Alex, I really am, I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to be in so much pain," she apologized irrationally.

They lay completely entangled in each other's bodies, never having held on so strongly to anybody, before Alex finally calmed down somewhat and Jo's tears had succumbed, as well. Jo kept on shushing him, spitting out nonsensical, soothing words, rubbing his back hypnotically. Alex rolled Jo over to lie on top of her for only a second to retrieve a tissue from her nightstand, before rolling back on his side and pulling her against him again, wiping away his tears and pain. Jo was still trembling slightly when he pulled back an inch to look at her. What he saw broke his heart. He hadn't meant to hurt her as well. Alex lunged into a deep kiss that Jo hadn't expected. It felt like he was kissing her like he was never going to see her again. Her eyes started glistening again. Her body hurt so much, she couldn't take it anymore. She could feel how Alex put everything in that kiss, how he told her how much he needed her and how scared he was. She could feel his hands going underneath her shirt aggressively, making her nipples harden and her labia tingle. Jo sighed into the kiss longingly before - for the first time since her accident - she was the one to pull away first. He looked at her, utter fear shimmering in his eyes.

"Alex," she said, pulling him closer, leaning her forehead against his, and stroking his cheek softly. "Alex, this isn't right," she whispered, her heart going out to him. "You don't mean that," she told him rationally. "I'm not gonna do this while you are hurting," she said, staring deeply into his eyes. He closed his eyes under her touch, not letting go of her. They held onto each other for a while before anyone said anything. Jo had pulled one of their sheets over to cover them, and tried to tuck them in. Alex only held on to her, not reacting to anything much.

"Alex," she told him again, taking his face into her palms. "Alex, I'm right here, I promise, I'm not going anywhere," she repeated. "I didn't die, you hear me? I'm still alive and I'm right here with you," she said it like a mantra. For the first time that night, he nodded.

"Sorry," he mumbled against her neck, closing his puffy eyes in extreme fatigue.

"No, Alex," she sighed heavily. "Stop." Jo was devastated to see Alex that way. As much as she had been thinking about how bad the situation must have been for him, she had never in her life tried imagining what it was really like to almost lose all the people that made one's life worth living. She ran her fingers up and down his sides. "Don't apologize for hurting," Jo whispered into his ear. "I don't want you to feel guilty for coping with what happened," she said, curling his short hair around her fingers. After a while of staring off into space, she was distracted by a blinking red light on Alex' nightstand. Her heart stopped.

"Oh god, the twins are up," she spit out, heart beating fast, watching the baby monitor scream visibly but realizing that the volume had been turned down completely. Now that she had said it they could both hear them crying through the walls. _How in the world hadn't they heard them before? _Jo's heart sunk way down into her stomach. _She was a terrible mom. _She pulled back to look at Alex who had his eyes closed. "I'll go," she said frantically, feeling how her stomach faltered for leaving Alex lie in pain all by himself. But the kids needed her. They were only babies. She got up and yanked the door open to rush over to the nursery. Both babies were sitting up in their cribs, screaming their lungs out, completely red in their faces, their breathing uneven.

"Oh babies, oh sweethearts, I'm sorry," she immediately ran over to Maddie's crib, getting her out and doing the same for Ethan a little clumsily with Maddie holding on to her shoulder, hugging them tightly against her body, shushing. She could feel her tears stream down her face again steadily. She wasn't sure how much more she could take that night. The twins clung to her neck tightly, as if their lives depended on her. Jo gulped when she realized how true that metaphor was for them. For not knowing any better, she carried them over to the master bedroom and climbed into bed with them, Alex looking at the scene sadly. He propped up slightly and reached for Ethan who was closest to him. The kids simmered down gradually, gently falling asleep in the arms of their parents. Alex and Jo had both lain down again onto their sides, their respective twin turned towards their torsos, hugging them tightly, looking at each other. When the kids had both fallen asleep, Alex pulled his girls closer to Ethan and him and wrapped an arm around Jo, gazing at her intently.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he admitted softly, fondling with her shirt to get underneath it and rest his hand on her waist. Jo closed her eyes, trying to not make him see how painful it had been watching him struggle. She looked down at their babies, sleeping heavily, their red cheeks slowly draining the blood to a normal color. She bent down to kiss Maddie and petted Ethan's back softly, sighing deeply.

"Do you think we'll ever get over this?" she asked him quietly, glancing up at him shyly. Alex's eyes carried pain and exhaustion.

"I wish I had an answer for you," he confessed, squeezing her lightly. "I really do. I wish I could make this all go away. I wish this had never happened and I wish our babies never had to go through this and more than anything else, I wish I could protect my family from everything that has happened the last couple of months. I… I just… I can't and it is slowly killing me," he stuttered, losing another tear. Jo reached over to dry off his cheek.

"Alex," she whispered, leaving her hand lying at the crook of his neck. "I don't need you to make it go away. I need you to start coping," she explained. "I don't ever wanna see you like that again," she said, her face scrunching up before tears started falling again. "You hear me? I won't survive it, I swear, you… you…," she tried to articulate but succumbed to her sobs. "And I hate this freaking crying," she yelled out even though she was whispering due to their babies sleeping in between them. Alex just kept on drawing circles with his thumb on her waist. They lay looking at each other for ages, feeling like having said all the words that there were to say within their situation. When Alex' eyes started dropping, Jo squeezed him lightly. "Hey," she breathed towards him silently, making him fight sleep for a couple more seconds. She smiled at him. "Are you gonna say it or should I?" she asked, making him smile in return.

"We're gonna pull through this together," he murmured before his eyes shut for good this time and Jo sighed deeply for finally having heard the only thing she had needed to hear after a really rough couple of hours.

The next morning, Jo woke up to a gurgling baby checking out her face with fat baby hands, smiling at her. Jo opened her eyes and saw Madison's shining ones. "Hey darling," she breathed out, trying to hide a yawn. Her eyes were burning and she could feel the dried up streaks of tears on her cheeks and her nose felt stuffy. She reached over and tickled her daughter's tummy lightly, making her scream with laughter. Alex who was lying on his back and busily babbling to his son who was lying on his stomach, face to face with his dad, looked over at her and smiled.

"Hey," he said softly, trying to not disturb their family's morning peace. Jo stretched her arms and smiled.

"Good morning, my loves," she said eventually, turning around to give Maddie a big kiss before leaning over and kissing Ethan. She silently rejoiced the fact that they were still babies and seemed to be getting over rough patches so easily, when she bent down towards Alex and looked at his swollen face and red rimmed eyes.

"How are you?" she asked him, concern lacing her voice, cupping his cheek and streaking it softly with her thumb. He sighed and smiled.

"Perfect," he said, looking at her with genuine eyes. Jo let her head fall to the side and gave him a pained look. "Perfect, now," Alex corrected, knowing what she was on about. "Now that I have you all here with me," he added quietly, turning back to his son, who was slapping his tiny baby palms on Alex' chest merrily. Jo put one of the big head cushions on her side of the bed as a precaution for their babies not to tumble out which was ridiculous anyways since their bed was huge, and heaved Madison over, kneeling besides her while picking Ethan up from his position and placing him next to his sister, Alex watching her with big questioning eyes. Jo scooted over and straddled him.

Alex looked up at her in surprise and latched his hands to her hips before Jo pulled him up into a sitting position and kissed him passionately. Needles were tearing through her guts and she could feel how all of her one and a half gallons of blood in her systems streamed downstairs and pulsated. She pulled herself closer to him, deepening the kiss if possible, feeling how Alex went from surprised to excited within a split second and hugging her tightly to his body, reciprocating the intensity of the kiss, getting his bloodstream focused on one part of his body as well.

Jo moaned into Alex's mouth loudly, her hands going through his hair frantically, feeling how his muscled arms were holding her in an iron grip, before pulling back slightly to breathe heavily, Alex rubbing his hands up and down her upper arms, trying to calm them both from the unexpected encounter.

"I'm right here with you and I'm not going anywhere and we will have forever to be with each other, alright?" Jo spoke under her breath hoarsely. Alex nodded, pulling her closer, making her moan in pleasure at the touch of her groin to his building erection. She gulped and her eyes fluttered close.

"You know, I can't help what I dream about," he whispered, running his fingers down her back.

"I know that," Jo sighed, still leaning her forehead against his, scared she was going to tumble over if she didn't due to the desire for the man underneath her overpowering her. "That's why I try telling you as many times as I can, so that your unconsciousness will recognize it as well," she said smiling.

Alex reached up to kiss her gently before looking over at his kids cooing at each other contently, resting his head on top of her cleavage, feeling how Jo kissed the top of his head. They sat in silence for a while until they both slowly regained self-control again.

"Sorry," Jo whispered bashfully, loosening their embrace and looking down at Alex' face. "I really didn't mean to… you know… not this time anyways…," she said low-voiced, not knowing if she should feel embarrassed for how she had let him know that she loved and would stay with him forever and more or feel embarrassed for apologizing. Alex on the other hand smiled at her.

"I know," he told her, gently. "It's okay," he said. "I tried to… you know… do it last night," he said, sheepishly, turning his eyes down. Jo immediately cupped his face, trying to intercept him at getting away once again. Alex looked up at her eyes. He knew when not to mess with his wife.

"You know I didn't mean to not sleep with you because I didn't want to. I think you know better than anyone else that I do. I just… you have been so sweet with me since the accident. You have been more than fair towards me. And I needed to be fair with you. You weren't in your right mind last night," she talked in a whisper, staring at him intently. "I still don't know the exact reason but there apparently is a reason why you have restrained yourself to such an extent. I just… I couldn't let you do something that you didn't mean. That you would regret late. I want us to be okay. I need both of us to be okay when we do this. And apparently, you really aren't…yet," she explained. Alex nodded.

"I know," Alex agreed. He hesitated shortly, not knowing if he wanted to elaborate or not. "We will, though, Jo. It's not because I don't want to, either, you know that, right?"

"I figured as much," Jo smiled at him.

"Okay," he answered, a little relieved. He hesitated again before pulling Jo down one more time to share a deep kiss, one that said more than most of their words towards each other. Their kisses spoke volumes. Spoke about love and trust and faith for the future.

"Not now, though, baby," Jo said, pulling back slightly, grinning. Alex groaned. "What, really? You choose yourself the most inappropriate moments when you decide you wanna get it on?" she scolded him, trying to lighten the air a bit with a joke. He chuckled, stroking her back.

"Well," he drifted slowly. "I miss you," he said, earnestly. Jo looked down at him in pain, not having achieved the lighthearted mood she was going for.

"I'm right here," she told him again, pecking his lips, running her fingers through his short hair. "But, seriously, this isn't the moment," she laughed, pointing over at their kids with her head. He smiled sadly, kissing Jo's cleavage that was about his eye level. "Oh, don't give me that," she chided again. "I have been waiting so long for this, this is not my fault. Don't be all grumpy now because I'm not sleeping with you with my kids watching us," Jo chuckled. "Come on, let's get up," she ordered before she managed to get up from his embrace.

Their day passed slowly. Every member of the family seemed completely knocked out from the night's happenings. Alex sat himself down at his computer and stared at work stuff he had to get through before starting work again the next day while Jo entertained the kids and took a long walk with them. When they had put them down at night, she decided she needed a run to clear her head. She put on some jogging clothes and a really nice pair of running shoes before walking down the stairs and halting by the office.

"I'm gonna go out for a run, I'll be back in a bit," she informed Alex, already turning back again and trying to leave.

"Hold on a minute," Alex called after her skeptically, making her return.

"What's up?"

"Jo, it's late. It's dark outside and really cold. Are you sure you don't wanna postpone this until the morning?"

Jo looked at Alex patronizingly. "Just because you are having nightmares about me dying doesn't mean you get permission to hover over every tiny detail now," she told him off dismissively. Alex looked at her gruffly.

"That's not funny, you know," he commented, turning back to his computer. Jo sighed, looking at the floor, mulling it over in her head.

"Will it make you feel better if I take a spray gun to scare potential attackers off?" Jo's eyes glimmered at him evilly, her mouth forming a mocking smile. Alex turned towards her slowly, not believing his ears.

"Are you actually making fun of me for last night?" he asked her incredulously. Jo rolled her eyes.

"No, Alex, you know I'm not. I'm just saying, being scared about me dying is one thing but not wanting me to go out for a run at 7.30 is a vast exaggeration. I'll be back before you know it," she said, dancing out.

"You are driving me crazy, I hope you know that," Alex called after a chuckling Jo.

Jo closed the front door behind her and hopped down the staircase to arrive at the street. She started running and could feel her whole body breathe freely. Music was blasting through her ears and soon, the sweat was building a layer on her skin even though the temperatures really did seem frosty. Her legs were taking her long ways, her muscles burning pleasantly when she pushed herself up the neighborhood hills. Her lungs started to stab a little from the cold air she was breathing but her face was smiling. She had needed this badly.

Going over last night's events, she could feel how another big lump started growing in her throat. She shook it away, speeding up just a tiny bit to overcome the pain. She had never seen anyone in her life before that was mourning someone so sincerely. She couldn't believe this was Alex and he was mourning her. It was so incredibly wrong. He was all she got and she wanted to protect him. Protect him from the pain, from the tears. She wanted him to be safe and comfortable. That morning she had thought her heart might explode from all the feelings it was carrying.

Jo didn't know what had come over her, when she had crawled over and straddled him. She just needed him so badly right then. She needed to touch him and convince him that she was right there with him. She wanted to feel his body; she wanted to melt into him. She wanted him so badly. Since Alex hadn't pulled away as he usually did, she thought there might be two reasons for that. One, he was slowly getting over it and sleeping with her was soon gonna be an option or two, the on goings of last night had made him need contact with her just as bad.

Jo sighed. It was probably the latter. But it was okay. As much as it pained her and she wished last night wouldn't have happened and she would still be genuinely wondering about it day and night, now she had no reason to think he didn't need her anymore. That was over for good. No more silly accusations or 'who loves or needs who more' struggles. He needed her just as much. Goosebumps were going down her spine when she thought about how his erection had pushed into her. He must be... decent sized. She gulped, closing her eyes for a second. _Really? He was in excruciating emotional pain and she was thinking about his penis? Wow, Jo, you are one hell of a wife. _Jo shook her head at her thoughts. _Well, at least you guys talked about it reasonably this morning, right? _ She arrived back at the house, walking upstairs slowly and immediately jumping into the shower.

As the water drops were hitting her skin roughly, she took a deep breath. Her nipples were erect and she could feel her swollen, wet lips way down. She closed her eyes, let the water drown her, thinking about Alex. How in the world did he manage such an awful amount of self-control? If it was for her, she would have jumped him weeks ago. In the hospital to be honest. She thought back. She hated doing it but thinking about her sleeping with Jason, she remembered it was fine. But now that she knew what Alex _could _feel like, having felt Alex's body on hers, reeling in exuberant amounts of anticipatory lust and desire, she couldn't imagine what it was like to actually have sex with him. She almost lost her mind when thinking about it she was sure asking herself what it was like when Alex was getting serious. Probably nothing like what it felt like being with Jason.

She stepped out of the shower and dabbed herself dry, putting on her silk bathrobe which was soft and soothing on her skin. She blow-dried her curls and looked at herself in the mirror. Jo thought about the accident all the time. It was mentioned frequently and there were lots of things reminding her of it. However, other than when Alex had to fill her into something, she never really thought about her amnesia any more, though. This was weird; she hadn't thought it would actually be that way but the other way around. She put on black panties and some joggers with a new shirt since last night's was mildly rigid with dried tears. She put on a wool cardigan that was reaching way down to her knees and softly toddled downstairs to find Alex on the couch.

She sat next to him, relaxing into the comfortable cushions of the couch, crossing her legs towards him. He glanced at her swiftly before looking back at the TV and taking one of her legs and massaging her foot gently. She sighed in pleasure. "That is truly amazing," she breathed out, feeling how many sore points she had on her soles. He smiled at her lightly.

"So, you are starting back at work with an all-nighter?" she murmured, eyes half closed in relaxation.

"How do you know about that?" he asked her in surprise.

"Your e-mail account is synced with my laptop, you know that. It popped up while I was reading up on something. I looked at your schedule," she said matter-of-factly. He nodded. "I'm not gonna be able to sleep without you," she added hesitantly. Alex put down her foot and brought up her second one before replying.

"You probably won't if you don't start being more optimistic. You are running yourself into all this. You can't sleep without me, you have nightmares all the time, you won't pull through this without me," he said, sounding a little mean but actually meaning well. Jo looked up at him.

"Is that what you really think?" she asked him, shocked. He nodded.

"Wow, I didn't realize. Let me tell you this. If I could do this alone I would be more than happy to. About the nightmares. I really… I try every night to go to sleep on my own. I wake up having nightmares all the time. And I wish I wouldn't have to seek you out for comfort because you are still very awkward about physical contact at times. But I do because it's the only freaking thing that helps. That's all I'm saying. Yes, I wish for it to go away by itself every day. But as long as it doesn't, I am really glad that making my nightmares shut up is so damn easy with you helping me," she told him off. He looked at her with wide eyes.

"Sorry, Jo," he mumbled. "Didn't realize," he said. Jo looked over at his face. It was ridiculous how much she adored that man. She put down her legs and inched closer to him, snuggling into his side, resting her head on his shoulder and her legs slung across his. He pulled her body closer and stroked her legs softly with his other hand.

"Everything's going to be alright, okay?" he told her again, murmuring against her hair. She nodded, smiling.

"So," Jo started, drawing shapes on his chest. "Tell me what you do for a living," she urged him, smiling. Alex looked down at her frowning.

"Are you going cuckoo?"

Jo laughed exhilarated. "No," she giggled. "I just wanna know what it is that makes you such a successful surgeon and everybody calling you all the time and e-mailing you and not being able to spare you for a short while," she winked at him. He sighed.

"Well, what do you wanna know? You remember the Africa program, right?" Jo nodded. "Well, we actually only expanded it, that's all," he said dismissively, going back to watching the game. Jo looked at him exasperatedly.

"Stop watching the stupid game, you don't care about it anyways," she chuckled. "Tell me about your work, I can see how proud you are when talking about it and how defensive you get," she said. He rolled his eyes at her but gave in when she puppy dog eyed him.

"A few years back, I actually quit my job at the hospital and started working at this private practice with a guy called Oliver Lebackes," Alex started the story, immediately getting interrupted.

"You did what?" Jo looked at him unbelievingly. He chuckled.

"I thought you wanted to hear the story," he asked her cheekily, Jo settling down on his shoulder again, shutting up spitefully.

"So, it took me a while to do it but when I finally got established, you know, had a substantial amount of clients coming in and referring me and stuff like that, I had enough time on my hands to think about my Africa project. It had still been running then, you remember, right, but I felt like I had neglected it somewhat the previous couple of years and I took the time to look into it more. I had visions of expanding it, doing more, helping more people and kids. So, one summer after thinking it through one hundred thousand times approximately, I flew over there and looked at the state of affairs. I actually stayed six weeks to get the lay of the land, meet everybody involved with our project, etc." he narrated. Jo's eyebrows had shot up.

"You left me here for six weeks?" she asked him with a high-shrieking voice.

"We didn't have the kids yet, Jo," he told her matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, I'm not talking about that," she said, looking at him incredulously. "What did I have to say about that?"

"Well, you weren't exactly happy about it. I wasn't either, don't get me wrong. I actually tried for you to come with me. But with your residency and all… you know, it was barely possible," he explained.

"So, that episode you told me about the 'fight' we had about Malawi, was that the same thing?" she asked, trying to put the pieces together. Alex snickered.

"As you have already identified it right, that wasn't a fight by any means. But yes, it was connected to it. I had contacted the people and talked to them a lot beforehand and they had misunderstood and thought I was trying to find a job there. Trust me, they were even happier when realizing what other plans I had been thinking to realize," he said, his eyes beaming.

"So, after I came back I looked for sponsors, which was an easy task, actually, much easier than I had thought beforehand. With holding a part of the shares of the hospital, people recognized me," Alex narrated, Jo slowly pulling away from him in confusion.

"Wait, what? What shares?" Jo slowly spluttered, eyes wide. Alex rubbed his eyes and sighed heavily.

"Ugh, I keep messing up what happened when… I'm sorry," he told her genuinely. Jo shook her head at the apology and waited in exasperation for him to elaborate.

"When Cristina left for Zurich, she officially transferred her shares of the hospital and the seat on the board to me," Alex explained, Jo seemingly having gone into shock. "It was confusing at first and annoying and a lot to deal with… but yeah… it comes down to the fact that my friend Cristina bought me a hospital as a good-bye present," Alex snickered. Jo just stared at him.

"Jo?" Alex waved his hand in front of her face mockingly.

"She gave you her shares of the hospital? What the fuck, Alex? That's something I would have thought you'd have told me by now! That's huge. That's like… huge. I mean… you're co-owner of a freaking hospital. You are… wait… you are more boss of me than ever… I mean… with you sitting in on the board… wait, what? You can't be serious, right? I mean… can she even do that? How?"

Alex chuckled at Jo. "Calm down, there, woman. Yes, it turned out, she can, and she did. She ambushed me, though, since she knew I was never gonna take it if she had asked me. Also, I had quit my job at the hospital. And as much as she 'supported' my decision back then… she never really approved of me going into a private practice," he thought about it hard.

"I can't believe it…. Alex, I can't believe it," Jo sat up straighter and turned towards him. "She gave you a freaking hospital," she said, completely out of her mind.

"Yes," Alex nodded again, looking at her warily. "What the hell's your problem?"

"I'm… I'm… Alex! This is huge! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Jo, stop fussing. I told you now, didn't I? And it isn't anything that interfered with your life much, so why tell you straight away? I just… I forgot…," he said, stupidly.

"You forgot you own part of a hospital?" Jo looked at Alex incredulously. Alex rolled his eyes at her and took a swig of his beer, looking at her exasperatedly. After a short pause, Jo shaped a cheeky grin on her lips.

"What?" Alex asked her, suspiciously.

"Can I kiss you?" Jo asked him, her head bent low and eyebrows hiking. Alex looked at her leery, shaking his head slightly to show his confusion. Jo's grin got really wide and she leaned towards him, burning eyes matching his. She kissed him fully on the mouth, holding his neck tightly, feeling how Alex had put a tight arm around her waist. She pulled back to look at him, only inches away from his face, still smiling.

"I don't get you, woman," Alex stated a little irritated.

"I just never kissed a guy who owned a hospital before," she replied with a sly grin, making him roll his eyes again, this time exaggeratingly long. She laughed, putting her face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent and kissing him there, still laughing.

"So, how did that go? You being my…. _boss_ boss," she asked cheekily.

"You made it pretty clear that at home, you were the boss," Alex came back quickly. Jo smiled against his neck, snuggling deeper into him, still unbelieving of the fact that he hadn't thought of mentioning he had been sitting in on the board for like… ever.

"So, do you wanna hear the rest of the story now, or can I watch the game?" Alex asked her, annoyed. She just nodded, playing with the hem of his shirt.

"Alright. So, what we did was build three separate orphan villages in Malawi – one in Salima, that's also where our headquarters are, one outside of Lilongwe, and one in Dedza. They're like… hmmm let's say they are little settlements with numerous orphanages and what actually makes them different from the orphanages they already got there, the villages all got their own medical facilities with sufficient medical supplies and well-trained staff, access to clean water, beds, education and probably most importantly, people that care for them. When I came back, I built a network here that insured foster homes for the kids when coming over to have their surgeries, however, best thing about it is, most kids don't even have to come over now which makes their health risks even slimmer because we have well-trained staff over there and perfectly equipped ORs. Transporting the kids in between those three villages for whatever procedure they need is a lot easier and safer than putting them on a plane to come to Seattle. Of course, we still do that for some of them. Or I fly over there and do it. I just, it's amazing, Jo. Everything I have dreamed about has come true and once it was running, I got so much support from so many people, it was amazing. It really was building itself, I swear," Alex eyes were flashing while he was telling her the story, completely agitated.

Jo watched Alex's face contort with all its emotions. Her insides had fluttered when hearing what kinds of stupid amazing things he had achieved in his career, and not even only that, but for so many kids out there who apart from Alex's initiative would have probably never been aided. Her eyes shone with pride and her face was plastered with a big smile, listening to him.

"Well, and then apart from the foster homes, we have kind of started linking health care and social care with the little ones in Malawi. We have found so many foster families and even adoptive families back there but also over here. It's under development, but you really made a point, asking me to do something about that and I really… I wanted to make a difference and since we both know too well that having a family is something every kid benefits of, I couldn't see why I wouldn't busy myself with that as well, even though it might not be classified as the doctor's job. But I don't care. I've done so many things with my program, I can take it there as well, I know that," he said, proudly. He looked over at her beaming.

"Oh, Alex, I can't… I really can't believe it," she said speechlessly, trying to wrap her head around it. "I'm… this is… wow," she said, baffled. He chuckled. "Yeah," he said, eloquently as usual.

"Have you ever taken me?" Jo inquired, smiling.

"Only once," he said in disappointment.

"I started the expansion back in the summer of 2015. It took a while for everything to get started and up and running. We got married 2016 and from what I remember you accompanied me in January after that. You were in your 5th year and they actually gave you some time 'off' to go see medical institutes around the country or in other countries to decide on your specialty. You came to Malawi for I think… 20 days and then you actually flew to Syria to meet with the people you have been working with ever since. You wanted to come with me after you passed your boards but they wouldn't give you any vacation days because we were short staffed. And the summer after that, I had actually planned to stay down there for three months and you had wanted to come but then you got pregnant and we couldn't go by the life of us. You were miserable and you felt really guilty for messing up our plans. I told you again and again that having a baby would always trump anything else. Until we were told we were having twins. I kind of took that statement into consideration after that," he smiled, earning a very light smack and the happiest smile he had seen on Jo for a long time.

"But… you are working back at the hospital now, right? How come? I mean… apart from your spot on the board," Jo asked curiously, having followed the story closely.

"Well, the hospital had it pretty rough after the guys bought it. There were ups and downs. Exhilarating ups but devastating downs. Anyways, they needed… something. My project was up and running and it was good publicity and well… awesome," he said, chuckling. Jo nodded with a big smile. "So, we drew up a plan and decided to split the Pediatric ward in two, focusing one solely on Africa. Well, not really, Africa was one part of the whole thing. And they, of course, needed me to bring Africa in. So, they offered me the position of head of Pediatrics next to Arizona. I liked working for Lebackes, don't get me wrong. We still work together frequently. He helped a lot with the project as well. But the hospital's home. I love it there. I missed it terribly. And I didn't hesitate taking the job. And they pay good money," he winked at her.

"You are… I mean this is… what you've done… your career… it's… it's incredible, Alex," Jo tried to sort out her thoughts.

"Wait until you hear about yours," he said, kissing her hand before fetching the remote control and looking over at her like a 5 year old.

"Can I please watch TV now?" he said, giving her a boyish grin. Jo laughed loudly and flicked the back of his head with her finger before cuddling deeper into Alex's side and let the sports channel wash over her, which put her to sleep almost instantly.


	23. Chapter 23

**Sorry for being late on my self-proclaimed update schedule! Life got in between with such intensity that I didn't even find the time to push the update button. However, I am planning to treat you with a double update sometime next week for 2 chapters in the late 20s that are connected contentwise and I have been thinking I would wanna read them without a break in between. So, maybe you'll be forgiving towards me one more time :) **

The next day, Jo and Alex spent the day trying to think of stuff they had to get done before Alex was going back to work. Jo hadn't mentioned it but she was really nervous. Apart from the fact that she was one hundred percent sure that she wasn't going to sleep that night, she wasn't ready for Alex to move on with life quite yet, since it also meant that she was going to have to do the same pretty soon. She wasn't sure if going back to work – even though when she thought about it she missed it terribly – was what scared her most but she sure raised a lot of respect towards it. They went grocery shopping with the kids and had scheduled a doctor's appointment for the twins' 9 month check-up. After lunch, Alex took the time during their kids' nap to snooze a little on the couch himself, due to his upcoming all-nighter. Meanwhile, Jo tried to distract herself with reading up journal articles she and April Kepner had published over the last 3 years. No way was she going to nap now as well – even though she so wanted to just lie at Alex's side and snuggle into him – if she was going to at least try to sleep at night. Luckily, Jo was so amazed about what she and Kepner had done professionally; she didn't even have time to think about napping.

At a little after 3 when all of Jo's three Karevs had woken, Jo and Alex took separate cars to drive into the hospital. They had scheduled both a check-up for Jo and a therapy session with Mina before Alex' shift started since with two surgeons' work schedules; they needed to start thinking time efficiently again. Shepherd was hugely pleased with Jo's healing process and declared her fully healed. When Mina stepped into her office, she smiled at the babies' babbling in the playpen and their parents watching them from the couch, Alex having put an arm around his wife.

"Well, hello, you guys," Mina said joyfully, sitting down opposite of them. "You sure have let me wait a while," she winked at them, meaning well. They both smiled at her politely.

"How have you all been?" Mina asked eagerly.

The questioned couple looked at each other briefly before turning back at Mina.

"Good, I think," Jo was the first to answer, nodding at her. Mina smiled at her before looking over at Alex.

"Yeah, we're trying," he said, thoughtfully, squeezing Jo's shoulder affectionately. There was an awkward pause, both not knowing what else to say.

"Has coming home changed anything about your situation, Jo?" Mina asked, looking at her piercingly.

"Are you asking if I remember anything?" Jo asked her back.

"Anything, really. How it has affected your moving on and dealing with your life," she replied.

"Well, I haven't remembered anything," Jo sighed. "But coming home has been a treat after living in a hospital bed for so long," she chuckled.

"I bet it has," Mina said understandingly. "How do you feel having Jo at home, Alex?" she turned around to look at him.

"Well," he said, surprised about the therapist's question. "I'm glad we're getting back to normal. Jo seems well and that makes me happy. It's good to have her in our family's environment again. But we'll see what's coming up next for us once we both go back to work," he mentioned. Both women nodded.

"Is going back to work something you look forward to, Jo?"

Jo took a minute to think about the question. "I'm not sure, to be honest," she voiced. "As everything else in my life, I probably have to get acquainted again. I just… I think that… well, being a surgeon is big. It's a lot harder than you might think. And I just… I don't want to disappoint anyone. I feel like everyone's hopes are up so high and I'm not sure if I'm ready to meet them," Jo pondered.

"What expectations are there that make you most uncomfortable?" Mina asked.

"Well," she delayed the answer to think. "Alex's, of course," she said, blushing slightly. "And everyone else's. My mentor's, and the chief of surgery's and the patients'," she said.

"Are these expectations that have been voiced to you, or is it a general feeling you have?"

Jo sighed. Mina sure had a way to put her on the spot. "I don't know. I mean, we've talked about it once or twice, not very often though," Jo said, glancing over at Alex who was listening intently. "I haven't talked much to my colleagues yet," she said truthfully.

"When are you planning to go back to work?"

"Not sure. Alex will have me go back sooner than later, I think," she smiled over at him.

"You can take all the time you need, you know that," Alex intercepted. "I'm just saying, you shouldn't push it out just because you are scared. You'll do great. You'll have to ease into it, just like with everything else," he told her. Mina smiled at them.

"Yeah, you've been saying that constantly. I just don't know what it means. How can you ease into doing surgeries?" she asked, a little insecure.

"Well, you've started an internship before, it's not like you've never done this in your life," Alex pointed out.

"Yeah, but I'm supposed to be an attending now. Or are you saying I'm going to have to repeat residency?" she looked at him with wide eyes. Alex sighed.

"I don't know, Jo. But we won't know until you come back to work and try. You'll have to see what kinds of stuff you remember. You'll have to see how easy the surgeries will come off your hands. Yes, in the beginning it will be like you were in your residency again. But we never ruled out that you will maybe overcome your amnesia sooner or later. Again, we'll have to see. I can't tell you anything other than that. But you need to be a little more confident as well. I don't even get why you are not. You have coped so unbelievingly well with everything else – at least from what I can tell. I don't see why that should be any different from going back to work," he concluded, anticipating an answer.

"Alex, as hard as going back to my personal life continuously is but going back to work means I actually have to help patients," she said. "Patients that trust me. Patients that put all their hopes in my competences," Jo articulated frantically.

"It's not as if they're gonna let you cut open the patients without supervising you, Jo, please don't play dumb. It's gonna be okay, you'll see. But you have to start trusting yourself and you have to start trusting your colleagues again. I won't be there to hold your hand every minute of it," he told her.

"Don't be a jerk, Alex," Jo looked over at him, begging. He sighed, squeezing her thigh with the hand he had been resting on the shoulder of the couch until that moment.

"I'm sorry, Jo, I didn't mean to patronize you. I just wish that you would believe in yourself a little more. Maybe that's the key to slowly going back to who you were," he said. Jo bit her lips, looking at him.

"I'm just scared," she said in a small voice, a deep crease forming between her eyebrows.

"I know you are," he said, rubbing her upper arm up and down. "But you have the biggest support system there is, I promise. We'll all be there to help. We'll all be there, I promise. But we can't take the workload off your shoulders. You need to take a leap and _if_ you're going to fall, we're going to catch you, I promise," he said. Jo looked at him sadly.

"I'll try, okay, just give me a little more time, alright?" she pleaded with him.

"Of course, take all the time you need. It's of no help to push you into something, you aren't ready for," he said, squeezing her shoulder again.

"Thank you," she said, leaning against him a little deeper. She looked at Mina, who had watched their exchange. She could feel how Alex pulled a little closer and kissed her hair softly.

"From what I can hear and see, you both are doing very well," Mina told them in an acknowledging voice. "How would you describe the progresses you have made within your relationship and family?"

Jo bit her lower lip again, taking a second before looking over at Alex. He watched her for a moment before taking a deep breath.

"Jo is handling home life much better than I would have ever thought she would," Alex started. "She seems to be genuinely okay with all the stuff that's going on, everything we have built for ourselves during the last six years, our house, how we raise our kids – she is doing an amazing job with the kids, I feel like there was no time she needed to get adjusted to them. She's starting to appreciate everything again, as far as I'm able to judge that," he described their situation.

"You are the only person who can judge that," Jo looked at him, smiling.

"Well, I think you keep a lot to yourself as well," he answered to her statement. "And I think you are actually still suppressing a lot that's happened," he said.

"Like what?" Jo shot back, looking uncomfortable.

"Well, a bit about everything. I think you try to forget about the accident just a tad too much," he told her, trying to make out if he was right.

"I don't need to forget about the accident, I can't remember it," Jo chuckled. Alex looked at her in exasperation.

"You know what I mean," he told her like talking to a stubborn 5 year old. Jo sighed.

"It's not that I'm trying to forget it, Alex. I'm not. I'm just trying to look forward. What's so wrong about that?"

"Nothing's wrong with looking forward. I'm glad we're moving forward. I'm glad we didn't get stuck. I just don't want you to ignore it. No good's coming from that either," he tried to make her see.

"I'm not ignoring it, Alex. But not everything has to circle around it," she countered, trying to make _her_ point.

"Well, but lots of things do circle around that. It's not me that makes everything about the accident. Some things just are connected to that," he looked at her sharply. They both sighed, knowing that they were both too stubborn to try to see each other's points. Mina who had been listening closely, anticipated a pause.

"Question for both of you: What's been the easiest thing to deal with at home?" Jo and Alex looked at her in surprise.

"Adjusting to the kids," Jo said, Alex agreeing wholeheartedly with a big nod.

"What's been the hardest thing to deal with?" she changed the question.

"Alex," Jo shot out without hesitation.

"Oh, wow, that hurts," Alex looked over at Jo, trying to catch her eyes. Jo sighed.

"Well, you haven't made it easy for me, you know that. We are on completely different tracks on how to handle this entire mess. You're denying me so much. Or at least, I think. I can't believe our relationship dynamics went back to normal, did they?"

"No, you know they didn't. But they aren't supposed to," he said.

"Well, and that's where you make it really hard for me. You don't want to go back to being my husband and I do want you to," she explained.

"You know that's not what it's like," he told her, for what seemed like the millionth time.

"You know what I'm talking about when I say that," she looked at him pointedly.

"Look, Jo, you know I'm trying, right? I feel like we've talked this through more than a handful of times," he said, exhaustion lacing his voice.

"Yeah, and I'm not complaining. Mina just asked a question and I answered it as truthfully as I could. I'm not saying I'm making things easy for you, either. I'm just saying I'm having a hard time trying to please you and work with you since we are both very hot-headed and opinionated. And also, pleasing you is what is the most important thing to me. Besides the kids – you are _the _most important person in my life. I want you to be good. But making you feel comfortable isn't an easy task. So I'm putting all my energy into that. And that's all I'm saying. It's been the hardest thing," she concluded, Alex looking baffled.

"I didn't think you thought along those lines. Making me happy? I'm trying to make _you_ happy," he said, chuckling. Mina joined in and they both looked at her.

"To me this sounds like a regular marriage," she winked at them good-naturedly. They both smiled sheepishly.

"So, what's been the hardest part for you, Alex?" Mina steered the conversation.

"Trying to figure out how to juggle Jo's wants and needs," he stated.

"How's that going?"

"Well, I know what she wants. I'm just having a hard time trying to sync her wants with what she really needs right now. And I'm not trying to hold out on you, I'm not," he turned back towards Jo, trying to make her see. "I'm not trying to pull away and not give you the things you want. I just… sometimes I just want to make sure that we're doing this right," he said.

"There's no right to this situation, Alex," Jo alerted him.

"I know. But there's a whole lot of wrongs. And I wanna dodge them by all means. We both know we're both trying and on some days our efforts are mixing well and some days we are head butting. It is what it is," he explained.

"How do you figure out what it is that Jo needs?" Mina asked him, directly.

"Well, I'm trying to understand what's going on in her mind right now. Both in this very moment but also the things that occupied her thoughts during the time before she forgot," he declared.

"Do you include Jo's opinion at all?"

Jo looked over at Alex with a huge grin at Mina's question. He gave her an exasperated look.

"I'm trying," he said, making Jo laugh out loud. Mina's eyebrows hiked. "I am," he emphasized his opinion.

"I know, Alex, I know," Jo calmed him, snuggling closer. "I just had to draw your attention to that, too, if you remember," she ratted him out. He rolled his eyes.

They talked a while longer about this and that before their session finished eventually. They bid their good-byes and Jo and the babies walked toward the attendings' lounge to wait for Alex while he was changing into scrubs and see who was around. When she entered, Meredith and Dr. Bailey were sitting on the couch, chatting. They both smiled cheerfully at her and the kids.

"Jo, it's so good to see you," Meredith got up quickly and hugged her, taking Ethan over into her lap. Bailey reached out for Madison and Jo gladly gave her over and got up to get herself some coffee.

"Is it okay if I…," she managed to say before they both cut her off and told her to just take anything she wanted.

"How are you guys doing?" Meredith asked Jo with a happy grin, playing peek-a-boo with Ethan.

"We're doing great," Jo answered cheerfully for having made it out of Mina's office alive. She looked around when Alex entered the lounge and got himself some coffee as well.

"Well, someone has decided to honor us with his appearance again," Bailey started ranting with a teasing smile, looking over at Alex who sat himself close to Jo, pulling her into a side-hug again. They laughed.

"I'm happy to see you, too, Dr. Bailey," he greeted her, smiling. They small talked for a while before Bailey got paged away and Alex had to report for duty.

"Call me if you need anything, alright?" he looked at Jo urgently. She nodded and smiled. "Do you need anything else? Are you going to be okay?" he asked her again, worriedly.

"Stop fussing," Jo told him, leaning closer, caressing his cheek with her thumb and glancing down at his lips. "I'll be okay. I'm gonna start being more self confident, right about now," she whispered against his lips softly, knowing Meredith was still with them. He nodded, rubbing her back softly.

"Still, don't overdo it. Call me whenever you need me, alright?" Jo smiled at him adoringly.

"You know, baby, you want me to be self-confident and at the same time you are scared about me letting go," she stated, half questioningly, with a good-natured smile playing her lips.

"I just don't want you to think I'm pushing you away and you need to deal with it all alone. I was a little gruff about it yesterday. I just wanted you to know that I _am _here for you, and just because I'm starting work again tonight, doesn't mean we won't be doing this together anymore," he cleared up the confusion. Jo smiled at him. He was so sweet. She leaned in all the way and let him kiss her softly, surprisingly a little longer than she had anticipated with Alex' best friend acting like she wasn't watching them. When Alex pulled back, Jo smiled at him genuinely, her eyes still closed.

"Go have fun," she told him. "Don't come back home without having saved at least one little kid's life," she winked. He chuckled and got up to go kiss his babies good-bye and walked out. Meredith smiled at her.

"You seem to do really well," she noticed. Jo nodded.

"Yeah, we're doing great. Everything will be okay. We'll just have to try get over it some more. Alex had this terrible, terrible nightmare yesterday," she opened up to Meredith and immediately felt a rock unlatching from her heart. Meredith looked at her compassionately.

"About the accident?"

"I didn't ask. But he was wild… I mean he was screaming and trashing around and… I was scared, really. And he kept yelling 'don't die, don't leave me'. It broke my heart," Jo told Meredith half-heartedly, not really comfortable with telling about Alex' secret pains but having carried around an extra heavy heart and needing some advice. Meredith looked just as pained as she expected her to be.

"Oh, Jo, that's terrible," she voiced. "Were you able to calm him down at all?"

Jo nodded. "Yeah, he simmered down after I woke him. He needed a while but… it was okay. It was just so… I… I just… I wish he wouldn't think about that anymore. I'm… I feel terrible for him hurting like that…," she tried to explain her feelings.

"I'm gonna be honest with you, Jo. I have known Alex for more than a decade. I have seen him at his worst. However, when the accident happened… I was… completely taken aback. I have never in my life seen anyone grief that heavily. I mean of course I have but you know… it's always harder if it's someone you know and love. He was a wreck. I have never in my life seen him like that. Of course, I don't even wanna go there, but if you hadn't made it… I promise you, his life would have been over," Meredith breathed heavily, thinking about the unthinkable.

"I'm not sure this makes it any better," Jo looked at Meredith sadly.

"I'm sorry," Meredith shook her head. "I don't know what came over me… it's just… I think all I wanted to say is… he seems very…. composed – keeping in mind what I just said. Maybe you need to cut him some slack, as well," she said.

"I am," Jo answered, scared that people might think she was the one pushing Alex into things whereas he had been the greatest support imaginable. "I am, trust me. I'm doing everything I can to make him feel better and feel safe. And loved. He's my everything. It kills me seeing him like that. It kills me hearing about how horrible this was for him… it really does. But I think we're really doing an acceptable job at helping each other," she finished. Meredith nodded.

"Yes, that was the other thing I was going to say. You guys seem amazing with each other. But if I think about anyone capable of overcoming something like that… I would choose you guys. Your marriage has always been amazing. From what I could tell, anyways. Before I knew you, I wouldn't have thought that there was anyone that could match Alex's mind and character and feelings and handle how he interacts with people that well. I didn't always like you, but I started adoring you when I realized what you were giving Alex. You have always given him everything you had. And that's why I think you guys will survive this just as well," she smiled at Jo who mirrored her face. That moment the door swung open again and April waddled in.

"I heard you were cruising around somewhere," she beamed at Jo joyfully before bending down and hugging her. "Can't split from your husband, can you?" she winked at her.

"I was just catching up with everybody while I was here," Jo shrugged, smiling at her very pregnant mentor. "What are you still doing here? Aren't you supposed to be on maternity leave?"

"Nah, we had the shower early, with the holidays coming up and you know… people streaming the ER. I'm not due until 2 days before Christmas. I'll hopefully be up and running until then," she chirped, happily. Jo laughed. "And, I know you don't remember, but you, Mrs., were carrying twins and you actually did a solo surgery the night before you gave birth to them, so… no judging," she told her with a raised finger. The ladies laughed merrily. After a little small talk, Meredith got up and excused herself to go do evening rounds. Jo decided it was time for her and the babies to get going too, remembering the kids' schedule.

"Actually, Jo, I wanted to ask you something," April chimed up after helping her get the kids ready.

"Shoot," Jo said, looking at her expectantly.

"Well, again, I know this must be weird for you, since we didn't get to know each other too well before I started mentoring you," April started, Jo immediately waving the comment away. "Do you have any evening plans? I'm getting off early tonight and I really wanted to go over some things with you at some point and I thought, now that Alex is busy anyways, I could maybe come by your house and…. attack you," she fumbled with her shirt and looked at Jo sheepishly. Jo looked at her in surprise.

"Oh, of course, anytime. As you said correctly, I got time to kill anyways with Alex working all night. I'd love for you to come over and hit me with whatever you have to talk about. As long as I don't have to be scared about what you're going to say," Jo chuckled, lifting Madison to her waist. April laughed in relief.

"No, no, not at all. Dr. Hunt and I have been thinking a bit about how to make it easier and more comfortable for you to come back to work whenever you are ready and I wanted to get your opinion on it," April shared the information with her. Jo nodded. Talk about the devil.

"Yeah, okay," she said, picking up Ethan as well. "You can come over anytime, you know where we live, right?" Jo asked a little unsure.

"I lived in that house myself for a while," April informed her, smiling.

"Oh, I didn't know that," Jo looked at her, surprise lacing her voice.

"Yeah, long time ago. Not worth mentioning," she winked. They both laughed awkwardly. April walked them out and they bid their good-byes for the time being.

When Jo arrived home with the kids, she felt cold. The house seemed so empty without Alex. She walked into the kitchen and fed the twins their dinners before taking them upstairs and giving them baths. While at it, she thought through what they had talked in therapy that day. She _was_ doing great, considering. If somebody had told her a few weeks back – or a few years, always depending on what perspective you were talking from – that she was going to handle having twins and caring for them by herself, she would have told them they were going crazy. But it was so easy. She looked at the babies, still sitting up a little insecurely in the bathtub, splashing around cheerfully. She had never thought she could love any person alive as much as she loved their kids. They were perfect. And she could feel how they adored her. How they didn't judge, how they just needed her. She softly stroked Ethan's hair, while he was laughing his hysterical baby laugh at something. She had to smile. Two little Alex and Jo blends. Perfect ones. She got goose bumps thinking about the fact that they actually descended from them.

When they were done with their bathing routine, she walked them over to the nursery and started bedtime routine. Ethan went down easily, while Madison gave her a hard time still seeming wide awake and not wanting to go to sleep. Jo took her out of her crib again, when she wouldn't do as she was told and walked out of the room, trying to not wake Ethan who was already in dreamland. She walked over to the bedroom and shushed her lightly, rocking her and trying to get her to lie down on her shoulder. "Go to sleep, baby girl," she hushed her. "Mommy needs some rest as well," she said in a sing-song voice. Jo started humming a sweet little kids' song that she could think of fastest and lay down on their bed, hugging her daughter whose hand was grabbing on tightly to her mom's neckline and fighting against her closing eyes.

_Was this the life she had wanted? Was this all she had ever dreamed of? _Jo looked down at her daughter who was still opening up her sleepy eyes every once in a while for not wanting to go to sleep. She smiled. _Yes, absolutely. This was paradise for her. Of course, she wasn't too fond of how it happened… but becoming a mom… being a wife to somebody… to Alex… yes, this was the perfect life. _Jo started running her hands up and down Madison's back. _I wish I could relive the last six years, though. Not knowing what all had happened was the only thing bothering her. She did love her life and she wouldn't wanna change it. But she needed to know. What was it that made her life go this way? How did they face challenges? How did Alex decide that he was gonna love her the way he loved her, unconditionally it seemed, with all his heart and being, with all he had? How was it possible he stood by her so unwaveringly, so bravely? Why did he love _her _and not some other woman who had given him kids and a life? _When Jo felt Madison's hand loosen on her neckline she knew she had fallen asleep. She got up clumsily and carried her over to her crib and left the room, checking on Ethan one more time on her way out.

Jo got the baby monitor from their room and walked downstairs to see what kind of food she was going to ingest that night. Alex had been bothering himself with feeding them the last weeks, she hadn't once thought about feeding herself. She was just closing the refrigerator back up when she heard a knock from the front door. She walked over and made out April through the glass.

"Hey, come on in, I just got Maddie to sleep," she said, in a quiet voice, ushering her in.

"I brought dinner," April smiled at her, sweetly.

"Oh, I already love you and I'm going to say yes to everything you have to say," Jo gushed. They both laughed and walked into the kitchen, where they could stretch out and talk normal volume. Jo got out some plates and cutlery and some drinks. They small talked a while and ate before April took the initiative and steered the conversation towards where she wanted it to be.

"So, have you thought about coming back to work at all?" she asked tentatively, wiping her mouth with a napkin. Jo looked at her, deep in thought.

"Alex and I actually talked about it today in therapy," Jo let her know. April nodded, waiting for elaboration. "He thinks I'm too scared to go back to work but he actually tries to push me a bit. To be frank, I don't quite know what I think about the matter," she continued.

"Well, I know that Shepherd has already cleared you for surgery," April enclosed. Jo nodded.

"Yeah. I was actually surprised he did. I mean I did have a pretty bad hemorrhage," she pointed out. "I just thought… I don't know… with the amnesia and all… he was going to give me some more time as well," she concluded.

"Just because he cleared you for surgery doesn't mean you have to go back in right away, Jo," April told her soothingly. "It just means you'll be ready to do it physically, and you'd be much appreciated," she winked at the younger one who looked unconvinced. After a short pause, Jo tried to go another way.

"What did you and Hunt talk about?"

April took a deep breath. "Well, we didn't really sink a plan but we were thinking that you should definitely start with shadowing me again," she said. "If working in trauma is still something you want to do, of course," she added questioningly.

"I haven't thought about it much, to be honest," Jo told her truthfully. "But I'm glad for any starting point I might get, so yes, I'm absolutely interested and I'm glad I have you to help me with it," she looked at April appreciatively who nodded.

"So, maybe once you come back, you'll just share a schedule with me and we'll try to figure out where you are and what kinds of stuff you feel comfortable doing," she suggested.

"Are they going to make me repeat my residency?" Jo asked. "Or boards for that matter?"

April sighed. "I really don't know, Jo. We'll have to see. Also, you don't know if maybe you'll get your memory back until then. Let's not move too fast. Hunt and I talked about it extensively and as much as we don't want to baby you, I think you'll need some guidance, right? What do you think about that?"

"Absolutely. I can't do this alone. But I don't want to monopolize an important resource all to myself. I mean that would be counterproductive, right?"

"Are you talking about me?" April started laughing wide eyed. Jo nodded. "You are sweet, calling me an important resource to the hospital. However, that's the plan. You know how I won't be able to do really badass stuff anyways, due to this sweetheart," she said, pointing at her belly, "so, that's what Hunt and I decided. I'm not going on early maternity leave but ease you into surgery again so you can take over for me once I'm having my baby," she smiled at her proudly. Jo swallowed thickly.

"Are you saying you want me to get back to awesome in only a few weeks time?"

"Yes," she said. "No pressure, though," she chuckled. Jo looked at her pleadingly.

"April, I won't be able to do that," she said slowly. April waved her comment away.

"I'm joking. I mean, it is the plan that I will take my time to teach you again, apart from the residents. They don't deserve to be treated like you will be. And it is the plan that you will be able to handle some shifts on your own. But we're not expecting you to be on an attending level by Christmas, we're not, it's okay. But we thought, this might be a good plan for the first few weeks, don't you think?"

"Okay. I mean it does sound reasonable. It's just… please don't be too excited about me coming back. I might suck. I mean… do you remember what it was like when I was an intern? I wasn't all that badass as people tell me I grew up to be," Jo explained her fears.

"That's okay, we're gonna get there, don't worry," April tried to calm her down. Jo sighed heavily, thinking about that plan.

"How soon do you want me to come back to work?" she asked.

"It's really up to you. We don't wanna pressure you into it. Take all the time you need," April stressed. "The only thing that might be a point to consider is next week's Thanksgiving. If you are insecure about going back to work, this will not be a great day to do it. The E.R. will be packed," she told her knowingly. Jo nodded.

"Do you mind if I talk this through with Alex before giving you an answer?"

"Of course, Jo, don't panic, I just wanted to bring all our ideas up to you so you can ponder about them," April smiled. "For right now, I have brought you something different to look at," she said, seemingly excited, trying to get something out of her purse. Jo looked at her expectantly, when her superior pushed the November issue of the _International Journal of Surgery _into her hands.

"Turn to page 29," she instructed her, still grinning widely. Jo did so and when she looked down at the page, her breathing halted. She was looking down at a picture of April and herself with three other doctors, one female, the others male, smiling up at her. Her eyes glanced over the headline which said _The Seattle Method unburdens post-war efforts in Syria. _Jo looked up at April in shock. April looked beside herself with joy and pride.

"Go ahead, read it," she urged Jo.

_Attending trauma surgeons Dr. med. April Kepner and her former mentee, now co-surgeon, Dr. med. Josephine Wilson at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital of Seattle, Washington, take a leap with their newly dubbed 'Seattle Method' and save thousands of lives in the aftermath of the civil war in Syria (2011-2018). The team of doctors was initially published and recognized for their outstanding work in their respective medical field in _Annals of Surgery _in June 2018._

Jo kept on reading the undying praise and recognition from the authors, devouring the entire article, amazed about the way they were talking about the work she and April had done and were planning to do in the future, astonished about the shout-outs from her fellow medical doctors. When she was done, Jo looked up at April who was looking at her in anticipation, still holding on to the journal tightly.

"Wow," she just spit out, not knowing what else to say. "We really did do something… great," she said, still not believing that all the mentions of her name in the article actually meant her, as in… well… her. April giggled.

"You became one of the great ones, Jo," April looked at her convincingly. "You are a badass surgeon, and I am honored to be working with you," she said, seeing Jo's eyes glaze over. "I just wanted to let you know. I just wanted to give you something worth fighting for. To get back to who you were. To try to achieve what you had before," she said, smiling sadly. Jo was deeply touched, to say it lightly. She wiped away a tear that had escaped the corner of her eye for the sweet gesture in irritation.

"I don't even know what to say, April," Jo finally voiced. "This is… this is… it's amazing," she stammered. "I can't believe this is something we did…," she said. April nodded, giving her time to digest what she had shown and told her.

"Thank you, April," Jo said, looking up at April with honest eyes. "Thank you for believing in me."

"If I'm not mistaken, you'd do the exact same for me if roles were reversed," April said, touching Jo's hand lightly. "We all miss you at work. We really do. Also, I haven't said anything until now, since everything was such a mess… but I'm supposed to tell you hello and get well, soon, from doctors Arav, Yedid and Reuben. These are the Syrian doctors we work with. We've all become great friends. They have been just as worried about you as everyone at the hospital here has been. _You're_ one of the most important resources to the hospital, Jo, and we will be so happy to have you back," April finished her little speech. Jo looked at her not knowing if she wanted to laugh or cry. She shook her head and let out a long breath that she had been holding.

"I still can't believe people say things like that and they actually talk about me," Jo told April. The latter nodded.

"I can imagine," she replied dryly.

They sat with each other for another while before April left eventually and Jo was sitting in the kitchen all alone, still poring over the medical journal. _Everything was too perfect, right? _


	24. Chapter 24

After April had left, Jo looked at the clock and it was nearing midnight. She walked upstairs and took her time to get showered and dressed, still gulping at the sight of the empty bed. She switched off the lights and tried to make herself comfortable, wriggling around frequently, not finding the right position to sleep in. After a while, she dozed away, only to wake again after an hour or so, holding on to Alex's pillow tightly. She turned around and looked at the clock. 1:13. Jo had only been sleeping for 26 minutes. Not even close to how long she had thought she had. She sighed and tried to go back to sleep unsuccessfully. After rolling herself from one side to the other, getting more pillows and then throwing them out again, covering herself up with their blanket wholly and undoing that again, she gave up and got up to walk downstairs. She walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and sat down on the couch, looking at the medical journal again. She might be more comfortable sleeping on the couch. She tried, she really did. After half an hour she woke up sweating and crying again, reliving her worst fears in a nightmare. She sighed. Jo grew irritated with herself for having jinxed it. She would have slept just fine without Alex, if she hadn't thought about it that much. She looked at the clock, fighting with herself. The enlightened screen showed her a time of 4:02. Jo tried to reason with herself. _He's just going to laugh about you. Just… make the best out of the situation. Drink some tea. Watch TV. Read up on something. You don't have to call him. He'll be finishing his shift shortly. Don't fret. _Next thing she knew she had grabbed for her phone.

_J – What are you up to? _

Jo looked down at her phone impatiently. He was probably in surgery. Or saving some person's life in some way or another. He was actually doing something productive. Whereas she was sitting on the couch in the middle of the night, hoping he would see her message and reply. Her phone vibrated. _Thank you._

_A – What are you doing up?_

_J – Can't sleep_

_A – I'm rolling my eyes at you over here_

_J – You didn't have to tell me that. It's like I can see them right before my eyes_

_A – Nightmares again?_

_J – Yep_

_A – I'm sorry_

_J – What's going on over at your end?_

_A – Slow night. I actually helped with a c-section since there was absolutely NOTHING I could get my hands dirty with on peds_

_J – That actually sounds like a lot of fun to me_

_A – Are you gonna try sleep some more?_

_J – I told you, I can't_

_A – Try_

_J – I did_

_A – Tell me again Madison's resistance of going to sleep has nothing to do with your genes_

_J – I really don't wanna support your point but she didn't go down easily last night either_

_A – Like mother like daughter_

_J – Shut up and hurry home_

_A – 3 more hours_

_J – Can't wait_

_A – Try to sleep some more_

_J – I don't want to_

_A – You are unbelievable_

_J – Right backatcha_

_A – Gotta work. I feel stupid earning loads of money, texting you_

_J – Alright, go make some well-deserved money. Be home soon. I miss you_

_A – See you later _

Jo sighed and put down her phone on the coffee table. What was she gonna do the next three or more hours? And also, what was she gonna do once Alex was home? She couldn't go back to sleep with him. The babies were going to ruin that plan. She sighed. _Ugh, Alex was so right in telling me I will be so glad about Lauren at some point. _She turned on their laptop and looked at the screen. Before she had decided what she was going to do, a little window popped up and she realized it was an ooVoo account automatically being activated.

_CYang: Are you on?_

Jo looked at the message intently. She wasn't sure what or if to reply to the message. Dr. Yang was surely not meaning to talk to her but to Alex. But then again, she had already seen it, why not answer and tell her that he was at work. Oh well, nothing else to do anyways. She started typing in a few words.

_AKarev: Alex is doing an all-nighter. It's Jo typing_

She hit the send button, curious about what was going to happen.

_CYang: Hairball! I'm glad to be talking to you_

Jo was taken aback by that reply. Why in the world was Cristina Yang delighted to be hearing about her? She was unsure how to go about the next message.

_AKarev: I heard you moved to Europe? _

_CYang: Oh, cut the small talk. How are you?_

Jo was starting to feel slightly uncomfortable about talking to Alex' once-upon-a-time best buddy and roommate.

_AKarev: I'm… great. How are you?_

_CYang: I'm only asking because of the accident, God, you guys didn't turn out to be smarter than when you were still baby-surgeons. I'm telling Shane all the time…_

_AKarev: Shane? As in Shane Ross?_

_CYang: Forgot about the amnesia, my bad. Ross came to work for me at my hospital in Zürich_

Jo was surprised about Cristina Yang actually knowing about her accident. But well, why wouldn't she, right? But then again, she had no idea what their relationship was like now that she didn't live in the U.S. anymore.

_AKarev: There is a whole lot Alex still hasn't told me…_

_CYang: I don't blame him for not talking about Ross between the sheets_

_AKarev: Oh, wow, you were never one to mince the words_

_CYang: How's the healing process?_

That moment, Jo's phone was vibrating again.

_A – Stop using my oovoo_

Jo smiled at the text. Of course he wasn't working, he was reading what she was talking to Yang.

_J – Thought you had your hands full with patients? :)_

_A – I do, all of sudden, but it disturbs my concentration when my phone is constantly telling me I'm having new messages_

_J – Sorry! _

_A – yeah yeah_

Jo smiled at Alex's reaction to her chatting with Cristina. He hadn't talked about his friend leaving Seattle at all, the only person she had heard it from was Meredith Grey and that one hadn't seemed too happy about it either. Jo was sure Alex missed his fellow doctor terribly, even though he would never say so.

_CYang: ?_

_AKarev: Alex just texted me, saying not to use his account_

_CYang: GET TO WORK, YOU LAZY BASTARD!_

Jo chuckled about Yang's mocking outburst before typing in one last message.

_AKarev: You should really get him on here when he's actually off duty. I bet he'd love to talk to you himself_

_CYang: don't be weird, hairball, I was just trying to find out if you're still alive_

Jo rolled her eyes at the dismissive comment and logged out, still secretly laughing about the exchange. She tried to go to sleep again, watching her most favorite sitcom online but she tried in vain. A couple of hours later, she could hear light sounds through the baby monitor and sighed at the babies' extra early morning that day. This was going to be fun. She got upstairs and saw that both babies were sitting up in their cribs, rubbing their eyes sleepily, smiling up at their mom. She got them out one by one and changed them into a fresh diaper, before walking back downstairs with them and putting them in the playpen. Everything she did that morning seemed slow. She walked into the kitchen and got their bottles ready. So slow. _She was so tired. What was she going to do?_ While she waited for the bottles to get to their supposed temperature, she looked at her reflection in the mirroring outsides of the oven. She looked like crap. Her hair was all untidy and her eyes were almost drooping.

She walked back into the living room and got the babies out to sit with them on the couch, having both pulled into her lap and feeding them their breakfast. She stared ahead at the opposite wall, her kids quietly sucking their bottles. _She was so tired_. When she looked at the clock again, it told her it was 7.34. Alex had to get home sooner or later. She went back to staring blankly at the wall. A few minutes later, Jo couldn't tell if it was five or twenty, she heard the front door unlock and a couple of people shuffling in. _Wait, what? A couple of people?_

She turned her head around to look at the incoming people. Her face completely drained, relief washing over her and she let her head hang theatrically before looking back up at Alex' grinning face and Lauren's curious face.

"Oh my freaking God, you brought Lauren," Jo exclaimed, exhaustion lacing her voice. Alex and Lauren both chuckled, Alex getting off his coat and walking closer, Lauren doing the same. "Oh my God, I can't believe you, you are my hero," she said, looking up at him, trying to give him loving eyes but she was just… tired. Alex smiled at her, taking Ethan out of her crossed legs and hugging him tightly.

"I thought you might be in need some rest after a sleepless night," Alex said, winking good-naturedly. "And I sure as hell wasn't going to offer my daddy services after a nightshift," he chuckled. Lauren smiled at their exchange and got closer to take Madison out of Jo's arms.

"Lauren, you are an angel," Jo looked at her and for the first time since she had re-met with their nanny she actually felt genuine gratitude towards her and didn't feel like just because she was there helping, Jo herself was becoming a worse mom. Sometimes life just didn't go as planned. She slowly realized that was true for plenty of times in their lives, probably not only momentarily, either. "I can't believe you made it here that short-notice," she rambled on, still trying to fight sleep. Lauren looked at her with confused eyes.

"Um… Alex asked me to come sit for you like… two days ago or something, right?" Lauren turned around to look at Alex, puzzled. Jo's eyes widened and she looked over at Alex realizing what he had done. Her expression changed to a scolding one quickly.

"Really? You made me think I was going to _have _to make it through the night and then _have _to get up with the kids in the morning whereas you knew all along Lauren was coming in?"

Alex just smiled at her. "As said, I thought you might need some rest today. And I didn't tell you because then I would have supported your irrational behavior," Alex pointed out.

"I'm not behaving irrationally," Jo pouted.

"No, you're just behaving like a five year old," he waved that comment away mockingly. "But that's okay, really, Jo, you do that all the time when you didn't get your sacred hours of sleep," he said, trying to get away from his wife who was threatening to slap him. Lauren laughed about their playful banter and took Ethan from Alex as well.

"Well, bottom line is, you can all go to bed now, because I'm here," she smiled at them. Jo smiled back at her gratefully, and grasped Alex' hands that he had been offering her and pulled herself from the couch. Once standing, Alex tugged Jo closer to hug her to his side and kissed her head.

"Come on, let's go upstairs, sleeping beauty," he told her, stroking her upper arm gently. She just nodded into his shoulder, her eyes already falling closed.

"Good night, momma, good night, daddy," Lauren called after them playfully, having Ethan's hand make waving gestures. They smiled back at them and walked up the stairs. When they got to their bedroom, Alex was sure Jo had fallen asleep already.

"I can't believe you," he whispered into her ear, gently guiding her to lie down on the bed and removing her woolen socks and cardigan. "_Now_ you're falling asleep all of a sudden?"

Jo just grumbled something he couldn't make out and nodded heavily, yawning. Alex walked inside the bathroom and got himself ready for bed as well, yawning and rubbing his eyes just as much as his wife had done it a minute before. When he was done he walked around the bed and shifted his body over to where Jo had placed herself, taking her into his arms and pulling her on top of him.

"Mmh," Jo moaned quietly, lying on her tummy and placing her right hand at the crook of his neck. "Mssdyou," she murmured into his shoulder before deep sleep engulfed her. Alex chuckled about her behavior one more time before closing his eyes as well, sandman at the ready within seconds. Both of their sleeps were blissful and they didn't wake up once even though the cold November sun was shining through the slits of their blinds.

When Jo woke up, her mind still heavily dazed, she found herself in a more than comfortable embrace with Alex, him having put his arms around her tightly and her holding on to them. She could feel how her back was lined with Alex' spectacular upper body, and how his groin was rounding on her butt. His head was nestled in the crook of her neck, nose buried in her hair, tickling her with the deep breathing of sound sleep. She turned around a few inches to face him before she realized she had woken due to some sort of strange noise.

Lauren was standing in the threshold, pitter-pattering from one foot to the other awkwardly, knocking on the door frame softly, calling out their names. _This was awkward. She had never wanted to be in the situation of having to walk inside her bosses' bedroom catching them in an intimate moment like that. Oh well, fortunately all they were doing was sleep. Even though she was slightly embarrassed by her male boss' naked torso. Oh come on, at least one of you, wake up. I hate standing here like the fool that is watching the parents of her babysitting kids sleep. Ugh. _

Jo tried to support herself on her right elbow to look up at what was going on but it was hard with Alex' heavy arms draped over her chest. She squinted her still sleepy eyes at the brightness of the rays of sun coming in and let her eyes graze the room. It took a second for her to make out Lauren standing sheepishly in the doorway, looking at her in what could only be defined as utter embarrassment.

"Lauren," she croaked out in surprise. "Sorry, have you been trying to wake us?"

Lauren shook her head and smiled. "It's okay, I really didn't wanna wake you…. I just," she started, her voice seemingly nervous.

"What's up?" Jo questioned her, trying to get Alex to loosen his grip a bit for her to sit up and look at the nanny.

"I just got a call that I was supposed to sign up for a really important class until noon today and they told me I had to go personally, so I was wondering if you minded me bringing the twins," she asked, a little insecurely.

Jo looked at the nanny in wonderment. "Of course, of course," she waved her away, thinking how silly that request was, "go ahead, take them anywhere, as long as you'll bring them back safely by the end of the day," she winked at the now smiling nanny, already turning to face Alex and trying to lie down again. Lauren cleared her throat uncomfortably, when Jo had just gotten Alex to shift his position and made room for her to snuggle up against his body, remaining face to face with him.

"Would you mind telling me where the car keys are? I couldn't find them….," Lauren asked in a quiet voice, trying not to wake Alex as well.

"Should be in my purse. It's lying on the kitchen island. The family car is the big black key. I suggest you take that one since Alex will go wild if he hears I let you drive the sports car," she snickered lightly, eyes closed and sighing into Alex' shoulder. Lauren was already closing up the door again, when Jo rambled on some more.

"Lauren, thanks again for being such a treasure. I couldn't have done today without you," she told her gratefully, not having left the comfort of Alex' arms. Lauren smiled at Jo's declaration even though she still felt uneasy standing in her bosses' bedroom watching their affectionate sleeping arrangements. It actually meant a lot to her what Jo had said, since she could feel how her female boss was still struggling with the fact that she wasn't doing her mom duties all by herself and had established a certain coolness towards her. "Remind me to give you a raise tonight," Jo mumbled. After this, Lauren closed the door behind her and Jo relaxed into Alex' embrace.

The couple slept for another couple of hours before they both slowly regained consciousness, dozing away the minutes. Alex had started to draw circles on Jo's back, making her smile in contentment. She would never get tired of him doing that. After a while she arched her back slightly to try to stretch out her body, still not wriggling out of Alex' hug. She let her fingers run up and down Alex' side before kissing his neck softly.

"Hey you," Alex greeted her with a small smile, before even opening his eyes.

"Hey you," she gave back to him, studying his still steady face, smiling at his peacefulness.

"What time is it?" he asked her lazily.

"I have no idea," she replied, trying to move around for her to look at the alarm clock but he wouldn't loosen his grip on her.

"It's fine, I really don't care. I was just wondering if it was naptime already since the house is so quiet," Alex told her, fumbling around her shirt, trying to get underneath it.

"I think Lauren and the kids are still out," she informed him. "She came in earlier and asked if she could take them to school with her. There was something she had to do there," she murmured against his neck, sighing at the touch of his hand to her back. She could feel him nod against her head. They lay in comfortable silence for a while, before Alex finally opened up his eyes and looked down at Jo.

"Did you at least enjoy a good rest now that you had me at your service?" Alex grinned. She smiled back at him.

"You did a wonderful job making my dreams disappear and my sleep as blissful as ever," she said, pecking his lips softly. "Thank you."

"I saw the _International Journal of Surgery _lying around downstairs," Alex mentioned slowly. Jo nodded again. "So, Kepner beat me at it, huh?" he smiled at her genuinely. She opened her eyes and looked at him curiously. He sighed. "I have one in my bag, I wanted to give it to you today," he said, smiling. She brought her right hand up to his face and cupped his cheek.

"You are so unbelievingly sweet, do you know that?" she looked at him, brow furrowed.

"Well, I'm super proud of my very successful wife," he stated pompously, making her laugh. "They distributed this month's issue yesterday. I thought I'd bring one home for you. We should definitely frame it," he mulled that over in his head. She chuckled.

"If we start doing that, our walls soon will be plastered with things," she answered. "I mean… look at our lives… we have so many things we can be proud of," she explained herself. He smiled at her understandingly.

"I'm glad you think that way," he stated truthfully.

"How could I not? Our lives are perfect. I mean not close to perfect or almost perfect or going towards perfect, but they are truly _perfect_. How can you live with yourself knowing how perfect your life is? I mean… it flashes me every freaking day," Jo rambled on. Alex snickered.

"You keep going that pace and you're gonna give yourself a heart attack," he nudged her lovingly.

"No, I'm serious, Alex," Jo took his face into her hands and made him look at her. "You told me about your career, which is…. well it's…incredible to dub it as the understatement of the month. And then I read up and listened to what I've been doing career-wise and it really isn't too bad either," she looked at him earnestly, making him nod with a knowing smile. "And then look at us… I mean look at this… we have what seems to be _the _perfect marriage going… we have the most beautiful kids in the world, we have a beautiful, big house and cars and whatever else….we have wonderful friends, aspiring colleagues that help us reach our goals, you freaking own a hospital," she stopped to breath for a second.

"Co-own, sweetheart," he corrected her.

"Yeah, same thing really, don't count the pennies," she dismissed the objection. "It's amazing. It's staggering. I can't breathe. Really, I swear. Everything… it's almost too perfect. Don't you think? I mean what _do_ you think?"

"Well…. I always wanted to own a boat but you never let me," Alex started voicing his thoughts out loud, mocking her at it. She tugged the hair she was playing with a second ago slightly to make him wince.

"I'm serious, Alex," she said, frowning at him. He smiled at her.

"I know, sweetie," he said again, this time trying to be more serious. "I'm trying to imagine what it must look like for you who just woke up to all this… it really is amazing. Our lives are amazing. No doubt about it," he agreed wholeheartedly.

"Can I ask you something? It might sound… stupid, though," Jo looked at him half-heartedly.

"Go ahead," he said. "I'm gonna mock you for it later," he added, earning a light smack as he always did.

"Do you ever think that all this happened… you know the accident… or my unhappy pregnancy – I mean health wise of course – or maybe even… our childhood… do you ever think… it's bad karma… that the universe gets back at us because we are so unbelievably lucky?"

Jo looked up at Alex shyly. He considered what she had just articulated.

"You know, Jo," he started, shifting a little, so he could prop himself up on his elbow and look down at her face. "Not everything that seems _so perfect _now came into our lives like that, wrapped up and ready to be taken out and paraded around. We worked hard to lead lives like we do. We both worked so hard for the careers we have. We went above and beyond for what we believe in and wanted to achieve. Not everything went smoothly. Almost nothing did. But then again, we worked and fought hard for it. Of course you might say but we had the right setting and we met the right people, but you know… you can always counter with that, of course. But then again, we did make friends on our own. We did choose to live here and work at that hospital. Of course, Cristina leaving her shares of the hospital in my hands, that was me being a lucky bastard, I do know that. But everything else was hard work. Even our home life. The pregnancy was awful on you. The timing was crap. Having the kids still is hard work. Having a functioning family besides two very demanding careers is hard work. _This,_" he pointed a finger in between him and Jo. "is really hard work. We have times when we barely see each other. We go through dry spells, you wouldn't believe. I could go on," he told her truthfully. "So, yeah, I see where you are coming from and why you might conclude to the thought that everything's a tad too perfect. But you didn't see how we built everything with our bare hands. And trust me, we did good. It wouldn't be like that if we hadn't achieved over and over and over again. The thing is you don't remember the path we took to be here. And also, you only see the good outcomes since of course we ditched the other ones way back when we realized they weren't going to work out for us. So, please, don't feel bad or guilty or try to reason with…. who- or whatever… that your life is too perfect. _You_ made your life perfect. You _worked_ hard for it. And so did I," he concluded, watching Jo bite down on her lower lip and digesting what had been said. They looked at each other for a few minutes before Jo was ready to talk again.

"Do you think you're ready to talk about things that made it hard during the years?" she looked up at him reservedly, not wanting him to feel pressured again. "Like, what our biggest obstacles were… relationship wise I mean… what kinds of stuff we fight about?"

Alex sighed, intertwining their fingers and wriggling them softly in and out of their matching puzzle piece. "What would you like to hear?"

Jo shrugged her shoulders, glad that he at least didn't seem too repellant from the start. "Anything really," she said. "I just… I can't really imagine what stuff we had to overcome to be like we are right now… the couple everyone seems to admire and you know… just us," she pondered.

Alex sighed again, looking at her a little lost. "We had to overcome a whole lot. There isn't one thing I can tell you that made our relationship what it is now… there's dozens of things, hundreds of arguments I could tell you about. The great thing about our relationship is that we don't believe that at some point a relationship could be right and that's what we're trying to achieve but it's a relationship where we both grow everyday to be the people that we fell in love with once or rather…try to be the kind of person that makes the other fall in love with them every day anew. So, our relationship has grown a lot over the years. It still is. It's a process. We picked up a lot during the years," he said.

"Yeah, okay. But were there any road jams… you know… fights that we almost didn't overcome or… you know… arguments that just wouldn't subside?"

"Well," Alex replied after thinking about it for a minute. "I do think that they grew fewer over time. When we were still pretty new, we had to learn to communicate and that took its time. We fought a lot when we were still insecure and not quite able to grasp what it was that made us so fond of each other, what made us need each other so much. In the beginning, we both had to learn a lot. Learn to trust. Learn to talk to each other. Learn to listen and understand. Learn to trust, again. We had a lot of learning to do. So, the heavier fights definitely happened in the first few years of our relationship. And with saying 'heavier', I'm only trying to say that those were the fights that we almost didn't overcome just because we were so unbelievably unsure and we were both heavily streaked with abandonment issues as you might imagine," he narrated slowly. Jo nodded, her heart skipping a beat for him finally, genuinely opening up to her.

"So, I'm not trying to say that we only fight about superficial stuff now, we're not. But we are a lot stronger now. We know what our relationship can take. Pretty much anything, I guess. Back then, we didn't. And that's where some pretty ugly stuff happened," he told her truthfully, looking down at their still intertwined fingers.

"What kind of stuff?"

"Well… for example… our first fight was pretty rough… and I almost made you walk away I think… you might even be better at remembering the Alex and the Jo we were back then since it happened pretty early on in our relationship, I'd say only a couple of months after where you are with your mind right now. I think I told you I hadn't seen my dad in decades at that point, and he came in with a bad heart and you supported me in taking a paternity test then. All this stuff with my dad… well it was really hard on me and you were trying to help so much but I couldn't let you help… we had only been going out for… I don't know… not very long… weeks maybe, months. I didn't think I could trust you that much, I hadn't learned how to open up to you. So we had huge fights about that. I think I tortured you for weeks. But you stuck with me and I… I… it was unbelievable. Nobody had ever taken such an effort to care for me," Alex narrated, still seeming to marvel about what he had told her. Jo had put the hand that wasn't intertwined with Alex's on his waist and squeezed it to let him know she appreciated how he was telling her everything and wanted him to continue.

"Then there was this misunderstanding about the proposal… that was pretty rough on me too… I was so scared you were going to leave me…," he told her and she could see the truth and hurt in his eyes. She frowned at his pain and looked at him sadly.

"What happened? What did I misunderstand?"

"Well, it was during the time with my dad at the hospital and I was really upset. But I slowly started to realize that you were _the one_. You stuck with me and you loved me and I…. I adored you. You… I couldn't believe you were actually… _mine. _If you know what I mean," he said, looking at her shyly. She smiled back at him.

"So, one day I walked up to you and told you how much I loved and needed you and something about we were a family and we wouldn't need anyone else in our lives and I wanted to be with you forever and you answered 'yes, absolutely'," Alex recalled the scene. Jo looked at him compassionately. "The thing was… I actually meant to propose to you… you on the other hand had no idea… you know… with the ring missing and well," Alex smiled at her sheepishly, "the 'will you marry me' missing… you kind of didn't get the drift," he breathed in deeply. "So, when you finally did catch on, you kind of… withdrew your answer… and accused me of rushing into things due to me grieving about my dad – who was lying in his death bed at the time," he informed her, realizing she didn't know anything about it. Jo looked at him with pain in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Alex," she told him, a film of tears covering her eyeballs.

"No, no, I… that's my point… my dad wasn't ever my family. I think that's all I realized at that moment. You were. In a minimum of time, you had invaded my life completely, you became my best friend, my love interest, my lover, my 'soul mate' as cheesy as that sounds, the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, the one person in my life that I trusted whole heartedly," he clarified for her. She nodded at him not sure if she got it all right due to him only talking about it roughly around the edges.

"Okay," she said, mulling it over in her head. "But we didn't break up, right?"

Alex shook his head. "No. Not when you made me see that you weren't ending it, you just needed more time. You weren't saying no to my proposal, you just weren't saying yes… that kind of thing…," Alex reasoned for her. "But I think… now that you make me actually think about it… even though I said differently like ten minutes ago… but I think there actually was a fight that made us both realize that having conquered that one, we will conquer all," Alex looked at Jo's eyes timidly. She turned from lying on her back to facing him straightforwardly.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

"It's a long story," Alex started.

"I have time," she replied, not blinking an eye.

"It's really… it's ridiculous. It's… it really is just that. Comical really. It's so far in our past… I'm not sure you'll even understand why it was such a cut in our relationship," he pleaded with her not having to tell the story.

"Try me," she stared at his eyes blankly.

"It's just… I mean, I think… I still mean what I told you a few weeks back about we never split up or thought about splitting up… we never did. But at that time in our lives… I think we were both so close to just walking out. We weren't thinking actively about breaking up. It was just… we were both so close to just giving up… on us. Because… it hurt so much. And we fought so incredibly often. It lasted for weeks. No, let me correct that… months. We just both almost hit our dead ends. I still don't know how we made it through it because thinking about it now, it still makes me tired. It still hurts. And more, I was a real jerk. I mean I was awful. I was… such an asshole. But I fear that you won't be able to comprehend… since it's been a long time and we are in a really good place now, and as I said… for us as a couple… the fight back then seems ridiculous and pathetic. But back then, it was… big," he tried to explain. Jo watched him fight with his own words.

"I will try to keep that in mind once you start telling me the story to it," Jo told him pointedly, trying for him to stop finding an exit. "Or are you scared I will walk out on you hearing it now?" she added, teasingly, not knowing if this was going to ease the atmosphere a bit which seemed to have tensed radically. He chuckled.

"I'm always scared you'll walk out on me one day," he said, Jo giving him her pained eyes. "But other than that, no, I'm not," he answered truthfully.

"Oh, baby, you are still so insecure. Have I not taught you better the last few years?"

Alex smiled at her appreciatively. He reached up to stroke her hair and cupped her cheek.

"How could a man not be scared to lose a girl like you?" he pondered.

"Oh stop it," Jo teased him. "You need to go back to your usual self otherwise the chick flick industry will go bankrupt with me not needing the goo anymore. You're cheesy enough," she told him, her eyes full of love. Alex snickered.

"Yeah, I'm so sick of it, too," he answered genuinely, making Jo laugh. They enjoyed the ease of the moment for a second before their laughter ceased gradually.

"Alright," he said, wriggling into a comfortable state. "Are you ready for this?"


	25. Chapter 25

**For everyone who has been waiting patiently, well, here it is, the promised double update. I realize not everyone is going to be happy with this. But then again, I hadn't realized how happy all of you guys seem with the rest of the story before I published it so, I'll still be waiting anxiously for your reviews which I cherish more than anything right now! You guys are seriously the best, can't imagine a day - which will sadly be sooner than later - when I'm not gonna wake up and first thing I do is check if I got any reviews ;-) Thanks a million! **

**P.S. There's a third part of the (long) story within the story. Buuut, you'll have to wait for that one until next time ;-)**

_[January 2015]_

_Jo was on her way over to the conference room; already late for her meeting with Webber and whatever it was that he made them do that day. She sipped on her coffee one more time before throwing it in the trash and pushing the elevator button impatiently. She tried to hold back a yawn. Wasn't that freaking black stuff supposed to be helping her with alertness after a night of waiting for Alex to come home in front of the TV and going to sleep alone again eventually? She sighed deeply, looking up at the display. _Oh, come on, already! _She tapped her foot nervously when she heard a familiar voice talking nearby. Jo yanked her head around to look towards the nurses' station. It _was_ Alex talking, she hadn't been hallucinating. _She didn't know he had an appointment at the hospital today. _Jo looked back up at the display showing the elevator's process and tried to decide between hurrying to Webber's side and going over to say a quick hello to her never seeming to be available to her boyfriend. _Oh, what the hell, Webber could wait.

_Jo hurried over to where Alex was standing with his back towards her talking to another doctor she didn't believe to have met. "Alex," she tried to catch his attention. "What are you doing here?" _

_Alex turned around to look at Jo in surprise, looking so handsome in one of his shirts and tie. She smiled at him slightly, awaiting a response. _

_"__Jo," Alex looked back at the tablet he had been scrolling on. "Have you met Dr. Landsfield," ignoring her query and pointing over to the person standing next to him and slowly turning around. "He's from Boston, too, he's gonna be doing the rest of his residency here," Alex tried to introduce him, oblivious to Jo's halted breathing. _

_"__Connor," she exclaimed in shock, finally having identified the guy Alex was standing with. Alex looked up at Jo in surprise, forgetting about what he had been doing. _

_"__You already know each other, then," Alex concluded, looking in between a shell-shocked Jo and a smirking Dr. Landsfield. "Well, he's on my-," he tried to keep the conversation going before being cut off by an agitated Jo. _

_"__What in the _hell _are you doing here, Connor?" Jo shot out angrily, sporting a deadly look on her face. Alex frowned slightly at his girlfriend's reaction to the newest addition to their group of residents. _

_"__It's good to see you, too, Jo," the newcomer grinned. "I haven't heard from you in… well, years," he conversed easily. Alex looked in between those two. _Wait, they knew each other from outside the hospital?

_"__Connor, what are you doing here?" Jo repeated, her voice having pitched to a slightly rude tone. _

_"__Well, as Dr. Karev has informed you, I'm gonna be one of your colleagues from now on. I felt like my education wasn't well-rounded back at Boston Memorial, so I applied here instead and what do you know? They actually had some space for me," Connor chuckled. _

_"__Why, I mean what? Why in the world did you decide to come here of all places?" Jo spluttered, Alex still trying to figure out what was going on. _

_"__It's a renowned hospital with a kickass teaching program," Connor pointed out casually. "Why, don't you want me here?" he added with an evil grin. Jo rolled her eyes in exasperation. _

_"__So, you guys know each other from somewhere else, then?" Alex chimed in cautiously, seeing his girlfriend's pissed off face. Jo who had almost forgotten Alex was standing with them, looked over at him and sighed. _

_"__We went to med school together," she told him, dismissively. _

_"__Oh, yes, we did indeed," Connor laughed, nodding knowingly. Jo shot him an angry glare while Alex frowned at the weird exchange. _

_"__I'm late, I gotta go meet Webber," Jo turned around to look at Alex. "See you later, alright," she squeezed his arm affectionately before running off without another word towards Connor who had been watching the exchange attentively. _

_Later that night, Jo was waiting tiredly in the hospital's lobby for Alex to meet her. Her day had been crap. As the elevator's doors moved open, she pocketed her cell phone in irritation, having ignored seven incoming calls sporting a Boston area code already – which could only be one person. Alex walked out and she smiled at him exhaustedly, getting up and walking towards him._

_"__Hey," she breathed out, immediately directing him to take her into his arms. _

_"__Hey there, yourself," he greeted her, putting comforting arms around Jo. "Long day?" He felt her nod within his embrace and kissed her temple lovingly. _

_"__Do you wanna go straight home or are you up for a beer at Joe's?" Alex asked her, pulling back slightly. She looked up, giving him a small smile. _

_"__No, it's okay, let's socialize a bit before going home. I feel like all I do these days is work and sleep," she said, sighing, picking up her stuff and joining hands with her boyfriend before walking out of the hospital and across the street towards the bar. They walked in one after the other and looked around for who was present. Alex immediately spotted Jackson and motioned towards her that he was gonna join his table, Jo nodding at him, smiling. She walked over towards where Stephanie was standing, talking to someone she couldn't make out behind the corner. When she arrived at her friend's side, Stephanie looked at her excitedly. Jo turned her face to look at her conversational partner, sighing. _

_"__You again," Jo spit out, annoyed. _

_"__I didn't realize we had parted that badly," Connor just stated, smiling at her. Jo gave him a dirty look. _

_"__Oh, so you know each other?" Stephanie chimed in, looking interested._

_"__I so wish I could deny it," Jo murmured, ordering a beer. Stephanie raised her eyebrows at her. _

_"__Why?" Connor looked at her curiously. _

_"__Oh, wipe that stupid grin off your face, jackass," Jo started out, irritated about Connor's behavior. "Did you follow me here on purpose?" _

_"__Oh, as beautiful and wonderful as you are, my life actually continued after you left, but I'm happy to hear that you still miss me," he teased her. Stephanie looked at them in confusion. _

_"__Were you guys…," she started, Jo cutting her off. _

_"__Oh, don't be smug. It's been years since I saw or thought about you last," she told him sharply. "Don't flatter yourself." Connor laughed at her, taking a sip of his liquor. _

_"__Don't get too defensive, Jo. I'm just here to finish my residency, I promise. I'm not trying to mess up you pretty little life," he looked at her with wide eyes, seemingly genuinely wanting to make an effort. _

_"__Who gave you my cell number and why do you keep calling me?" Jo started, losing her coolness. Connor looked at her with confusion in his eyes._

_"__What are you talking about?"_

_"__You've been calling me all day," she stated, matter-of-factly._

_"__No, I haven't. I've been following your boyfriend like a little puppy dog all day," he pointed out, trying to get a confirmation of his suspicions on her relationship status with the senior doctor._

_"__Sure you have," Jo countered again, fishing out her cell. "There. Seven calls from a Boston number," she held it out in front of his eyes provocatively. _

_"__That's not my number," Connor just replied, looking at her suspiciously. "Are you sure you feel okay? You are behaving very odd around me today," he teased her. Jo looked at him, feeling a little uneasy. _Who the hell was calling her from Boston? This couldn't be a co-incident, right? Two Boston acquaintances re-appearing in one day?_ Jo's face was still showing confusion, when Stephanie spoke up. _

_"__Jo, are you okay? You actually _are _acting a little weird today," she stated carefully, watching Jo's reaction. Her friend waved her away. _

_"__No, no, I'm fine, really, just tired," Jo said, still looking down at the number, trying to think of a person who had an acceptable reason to call her from Boston. She shook her head in puzzlement._

_"__So, continuing our actual conversation," Connor started up again, making Jo look at him bewildered, as if she had forgotten he was there. "Friends?" he asked her, one eyebrow raised. He held out his hand for her to shake when she didn't answer immediately. After a second she gave in and shook his hand unceremoniously, immediately looking down at her phone again. Stephanie still looked confused about the odd exchange but settled with the friendly conversation they were engaging in. After a while, Alex strolled towards them, standing a little apart and calling over to her. _

_"__Jo, are you ready to go?" _

_She turned around, not having seen him before. She nodded. "Yes, absolutely," she said, packing her stuff, Connor watching them interestedly. Jo hugged Stephanie good-bye and walked passed Connor without saying anything. _

_"__We should get together sometime," he called after her, making her turn around and look at him. "For old time's sake, you know," he slowly released, giving her a small smile. Jo sighed. _

_"__Sure, why not," she decided. _Why make a big deal about it, right?

_He smiled at her slightly and she turned back towards Alex, who had been waiting for her patiently. They drove home together in silence, both tired from their respective work days. Lying in bed together, Alex pulled his girlfriend close and kissed her deeply. _

_"__Mmh, Alex," Jo whispered against his lips. "I missed you," she murmured. "I never get to see you these days," she scolded him slightly before kissing him again. They made out a little while, only stopping every couple of moments to breathe and feel each other up. _

_"__So, what's the deal with Landsfield?" Alex finally voiced, in the middle of their intimate actions. Jo closed her eyes and sighed, still fondling with Alex's shirt and trying to get him to kiss her again. _

_"__Nothing," she got out between kisses. "Nothing that I wanna talk about right here right now," she said, disappointment washing over her when she felt Alex pull away and not letting her have it. She rolled her eyes and pouted. _

_"__I know him from medical school," she repeated from earlier that morning. Alex looked at her, waiting for elaboration. She paused for a second, her eyes averting his. "We hooked up sometimes," she admitted, glancing up at Alex's face fleetingly before looking down again. Alex raised his eyebrows and guided her chin up to make her look at him. _

_"__That happened like years back, I swear, I didn't even know he was coming here. He's annoying and I don't even know why I had sex with him in the first place," Jo tried to convince Alex frantically, pleading with her eyes. To her surprise, Alex chuckled. _

_"__You think I never had sex before I met you?" he asked her softly, running his fingers through her hair. Jo let her head fall sideways and looked at him, feeling mocked. _

_"__I just wanted you to know that he is way past. I don't want you to… worry or something," Jo stuttered lightly. Alex smiled at her, leaning back down to graze her lips with his softly. _

_"__I'm gonna worry when you give me something to worry about, alright?" he told her, making her smile against his lips._

_-back in 2019-_

Jo listened to Alex's story intently. "I can't believe that guy had the nerves to show up again," she commented quietly, a small laugh forming in her throat. "He's such a fool," she said, looking at Alex's face, slowly realizing what she was seeing. Insecurity.

"Yeah, you should have told me that back then," he whispered.

"What do you mean?" she asked, concerned.

"Well, I didn't realize that you had absolutely nothing left for him," he explained.

"Didn't you just tell me that we had been talking about the fact that you weren't worrying?" Jo asked him in confusion. Alex sighed.

"That kind of took a bad turn, quickly even," he replied, pain flashing through his eyes. Jo squeezed his waist comfortingly.

"What happened?"

"Well, we kind of hit a rough patch with me working too much and never spending much time with each other. I mean, I really tried but to be honest, back then I didn't even realize that I made you feel lonely in our relationship with everything else going on. You were just a resident, you were trying to pull through, but I was working on big things back then. I was commuting between my patients at the practice and patients at the hospital, sitting in on board meetings and trying to keep my Africa project running. I was so pre-occupied, I didn't realize your attempts to try to get me to spend more time with you," he confessed, smiling sadly. "And worst of all, I didn't realize you had things going on in your life as well. Things you needed me to join in. Things you needed to talk about. And I just… I ignored pretty much all of it." Alex hung his head in shame. "So, you started occupying yourself with other things, for instance, making Landsfield's transition to Seattle easier," he said.

"Are you saying I…," Jo started out, horror reflecting in her eyes.

"No, no, that's not what I meant," Alex dampening her fears immediately. "You just… he was there when I wasn't and you started meeting him a lot… hanging at the bar with him… having drinks, coming home late, rekindling your once-upon-a-time friendship," he explained. "But I didn't realize that… to me it looked like you found your interest somewhere else…," he said, recalling the times.

_-Jan2015-_

_Jo stumbled up the stairs, trying to be quiet but giggling at herself for being so drunk. She had been spending the night with Connor and Stephanie at the bar since it was her day off the next day and Alex had been unavailable to her – again. Jo had had a horrible week. Her job was driving her crazy. Callie Torres was insisting on the fact that Jo had to go into Ortho but as much as she had loved it for a while, she eventually had realized, it wasn't her thing entirely. At the same time she was so worried about the safety of her job, making a board member angry. Also, she had gotten a call from Mrs. Schmidt, one of the only people she had still been keeping in touch with from her past. Mrs. Schmidt had been kind enough to enlighten her to who had been calling her from Boston and telling her a woman she hadn't known herself had been looking for her. Jo hadn't told anyone about it because the only one she wanted to tell her fears and anxiety to was the one person seemingly actively ignoring her at the time. Alex. _

_Anyways, Steph, Connor and Jo had done too many rounds of shots and she was way past rational. The bedroom door squeaked when she opened it slowly and she saw how Alex woke up to her movements. She smiled. Before she knew it, Jo found herself climbing on top of a still drowsy Alex, looking up at her warily. _

_"__You are drunk," he stated, distorting his face in disgust. _

_"__Wasted," she shot out with a giggle, bending down to kiss her boyfriend passionately. Alex pushed her away with determination, Jo looking at him in offense. _

_"__Sleep it off," he told her, trying to get her to move. _

_"__No," she argued a little angrily, trying to make him kiss her again. _

_"__Jo, stop it, you're being ridiculous," he said again, a little sharper. _

_"__What the hell's wrong with you? Since when are you denying me sex?" Jo started to freak out. Alex rolled his eyes at her and moved her from his body and turned around to face the other wall. _

_"__Alex," she shrieked out fiercely. "Don't you dare ignore me," she added, climbing him again. Alex started to get agitated himself. _

_"__Jo, don't make me go sleep somewhere else. I for one have to get up in the morning and work, I can't party all night and get wasted," he snarled at her. Jo looked at him, hurt. Her lips have become a very thin line and she withdrew from him, getting up. _

_"__You know, you have made it pretty clear the last few weeks that you are a big shot and I'm just a stupid little resident who has nothing to do on her hands and busies herself with fun and alcohol. And yes, if you wanna hear me say it, I am having lots of fun going out and drinking and living my life because honestly, you haven't been talking to me, spending time with me, touching me for that matter, in weeks. I mean, what do you want from me? Wait until you are done with your really important work until you finally have a second to spare for me? I have been trying to be patient and supportive and trying to understand but you won't let me in. All you do is push me away and show me that I'm not important enough to take some time off to be with me," Jo yelled at Alex's back. He turned around to look at her with angry eyes. _

_"__You know what, why don't you go be with your little friend Connor? He sure has no objections about taking you in and taking care of you considering that I have been a horrible boyfriend to you," he yelled back at her. Jo looked at him fiercely, breathing heavily. _

_"__I don't know where this is coming from," she shot out, questioningly. _

_"__Well, are you denying that you have been spending most of your time with him at the bar?" _

_"__No, I'm not, but you know I would be spending it with you if you were available every once in a while," she came back furiously. "It's not like I wanna spend time with him instead of you. But it seems he is more concerned with my well-being than you are," she commented, knowing she was completely out of bounds and a little unfair, but she didn't care since she was drunk and lonely and mad. _

_"__Go to hell," Alex spit out before turning around again and trying to sleep. Jo took a deep breath, supporting her arms on her sides and staring at Alex's outlines. _What the hell was happening?_ After deciding that no good was coming from fighting when she was clearly not in her right mind and he was clearly tired, she got herself dressed for bed and washed. She lay down on her side of the bed and fell asleep pretty quickly, exhausted from drinking, partying, working and fighting._

_-A week later-_

_J- Alex, please call me back, Wed 10.02a.m._

_J- Where are you? Wed 11.13a.m._

_J- Alex, I really need to talk to you, please. Meet me for lunch? Wed 12.52p.m._

_J- Ok, seriously, what's going on? Are you ok? Wed 4.39p.m._

_J- Come on, can you just pick up your phone? Please. I need to talk to you, Wed 7.23p.m._

_A-__Sorry, board meeting, Wed 7.40p.m._

_-Again, weeks later-_

_The next couple of weeks went by slowly. Alex had not been paying any more attention to Jo and diving into another load of work while Jo tried to busy herself with studying surgery diligently and spending her free time at the bar or at Stephanie's. She hadn't talked to anyone about their relationship problems; she didn't even wanna realize they were stumbling a bit. When they were both home, they ignored each other quite a bit and their exchanges were polite but cold. At night, they would lay next to each other, sometimes finding themselves entangled in the mornings, sometimes waking up to a huge gap in between them. Jo was exhausted. So was Alex. _

_One night, when Jo had just made it out of surgery and decided it was no use going to the bar again, she drove home and met a much drained looking Alex sitting on the couch and having a beer while watching some movie. He looked up at her quickly before his eyes went back to the screen. She sat down beside him and sighed for her feet were hurting badly. _

_"__How was your day?" she asked him after a few minutes of silence._

_"__Fine," he answered dryly, not trying to engage in the conversation. Jo looked at his profile. _

_"__I scrubbed in with Hunt today," she informed him. "It was so cool, you wouldn't believe it. When the patient came in, blood was everywhere. He had apparently been trampled by a bull on his farm," she dove into the story, ignoring Alex's indifference. "It was amazing, Hunt let me do all kinds of stuff in the OR. I think I really start liking trauma…. I have been thinking, maybe that's a path I should be following for a while," she looked over at him, taking another sip of his beer. _

_She took a leap and inched closer to Alex, cuddling into his side. He didn't reciprocate the affection but hadn't pulled away either. _

_"__How's it going at the practice?" she asked him quietly, running her hand up and down his chest. _

_"__Fine," he repeated. She sighed. _

_"__Alex," he reprimanded him, trying to coax something out of him._

_"__It's fine. Nothing much to tell. There's always something to do," he told her defensively. Jo sighed again. _

_"__Okay," she said quietly, taking another deep breath. Everything was so awkward between them. If somebody tried, Jo was sure they could have cut the air in that room from all the tension. They hadn't talked much after their rough encounter in the middle of the night several weeks back. But neither of them had walked out either. It was just a fight they had to get over with. Jo was still carrying around the information she had gotten from Mrs. Schmidt, and she needed to get rid of it terribly. Now was not the time, though._

_"__Do you wanna talk about what's going on between us?" Jo voiced straightforwardly after pondering about it for a few minutes. _

_"__What's going on between us?" Alex shrugged indifferently. Jo could feel herself getting agitated again. _

_"__Please, don't patronize me. We haven't had a normal talk in weeks. We're ignoring each other, we're fighting a cold war, you are mad at me constantly for something and I don't even know what it is. You never have any time on your hands to spend with me… I have been trying to talk to you… I have needed to talk to you… about things…. But you… you treat me like you don't even want me any more… or love me for that matter," she said, her eyes tearing up a bit, but Alex didn't notice. He just stared at the TV. Jo bit her lips. After a second, she cupped his face with her right hand and turned it over to look him straight in the eyes. _

_"__Will you at least sleep with me if you are not going to talk to me?" she asked him, not sure what she was expecting or where her demand was coming from. But she had missed him so much. He hadn't touched her for what seemed like ages. It probably wasn't even that long but considering how active they were when everything was okay, she was feeling like she was out on cold turkey. Alex looked at her piercingly, seemingly in thought. He pulled away slightly, making her sigh in disappointment and hurt, only to place his still half-full beer bottle on the coffee table and lounging into a passionate kiss that took Jo's breath away. She hadn't expected that. She moaned loudly, trying to give him back just as much and groped for him desperately. _

_He laid himself on top of Jo, starting to undress her, making her buck her hips at him, slowly becoming hard himself. Alex's kisses and touches were rough but Jo couldn't help herself, this was all she had wanted from him. She needed to know that he was still into her. That he was still invested in their relationship. They both breathed heavily and their lovemaking was vehement and once they had both finished, they lay on the couch in silence, Jo having put tight arms around Alex who rested his head on her chest, breathing out his high. _

_Jo had almost fallen asleep, when she felt Alex get up and her alarms went off in her head. When she propped herself up on her elbows to watch what he was doing, she could feel the icy air between them. Alex turned away from her, gathering up his things and walking out of the room. Jo felt her insides cringe. She couldn't help it anymore; she had run out of strength to make Alex come back to her. Jo felt how a big shudder was gathering inside of her and tears started streaming down her face. She cried herself to dark oblivion until hours later she woke up to an empty living room._

_Weeks passed by them and they hadn't made any real progress. They were talking to each other a little more normally again and Alex tried to finish work a little early now and then to be home with Jo but the air between them was still stifling. One night, they were invited to meet with a big party of doctors at Joe's to celebrate April's birthday. It was the first night they spent together in company of their friends since they had started their cold war. _

_"__Alex, have you thought about our offer yet?" Arizona spoke up during light chatter they all engaged in. Alex having put a lazy arm around Jo jerked slightly when he could feel Jo's eyes on him. _

_"__What offer?" Jo asked, insisting on not letting this pass quietly. Arizona looked at her in surprise, before turning back to Alex and giving him a strange look. _

_"__You didn't tell her?" she asked him incredulously, making him squirm, still not replying. When Alex wouldn't say anything, Jo turned back to Arizona, questioning her with her eyes. Arizona sighed._

_"__We – as in the rest of the board – offered Alex a full position back at the hospital… with a really good paycheck and benefits," she informed Alex's girlfriend, Alex still silent at her side. "You know, Alex, I do take offense that you aren't even flattered enough to tell your girlfriend about our offer," she added with an angry voice. Jo turned her head back at Alex, trying to make him look at her. He glanced at her eyes swiftly, sizing up her emotions and faced Arizona. _

_"__I haven't had the time to do so," he answered matter-of-factly, taking a sip of his drink. "I'm still deciding," he told her quickly, trying to calm her down. Arizona gave him another mad glare before engaging herself in another conversation. _

_"__I can't believe you didn't tell me," Jo told him in a disappointed voice, only for him to hear. Alex sighed, not looking at her. _

_"__It's been… a rough couple of weeks," he tried to defend himself, not caring much what she thought about it. Jo faltered. She felt like she was breaking inside. They had reached a point where she wasn't sure they were ever going back to the way things were before. _

_"__Yeah, same here," she muttered quietly, making Alex glance at her fleetingly, trying to observe her face and the meaning of her statement but couldn't since she had clearly put on a mask._

_They spent a couple of more hours at the bar before deciding to go home. When they both lay in bed, both wide awake, Jo turned to her side and looked at him. _

_"__Why didn't you tell me about it?" she asked him, trying to hold the tears back. To her surprise, he faced her head-on._

_"__You know now, don't you," he replied dismissively. _

_"__This can't go on like this, Alex, you know that, right?" she presented him with the facts. "I'm sick and tired of us treating each other like we are not in this together. I can't do it anymore. We need to find a way back to who we were before we started this," she urged him. Alex looked at her, not answering for a while. When he did speak up, she was confused at first. _

_"__He's in love with you, you know," Alex stated matter-of-factly._

_"__Who?" she asked, feeling a little stupid after thinking about it for a second and closed her eyes._

_"__You know who," Alex replied, making Jo chuckle. "Why's that funny?" he asked in offense._

_"__It's not. You just said 'You-know-who' and I was thinking about…," she started in amusement before realizing how serious their talk was. "Forget it, I'm sorry," she said quickly. Then she reached over to hold his hand._

_"__Alex, he's not in love with me. We're friends. We're colleagues. There's nothing more to that. You need to trust me," she offered him. _

_"__Don't you see how he watches you? The glimmering eyes and the polite chuckles and the helpful hand always at your side," he rambled on. Jo listened to his worries closely. _

_"__You're imagining stuff, Alex," she tried to kill his suspicions. "Nothing's going on between us," Jo insisted. _

_"__I didn't say something was going on between you two. I was just saying, he fancies you," Alex explained to her. Jo sighed. _

_"__Alex, you need to trust me," she said again, inching closer to him, surprised about Alex's arm finding its way around her waist and pulling her flush to his body. _

_"__I do," he said, looking at her earnestly. She gave him a small smile, feeling like it wasn't over between them for the first time in weeks. They looked at each other for a minute before Alex swooped down and kissed her gently. She put her hands around his neck and groaned in relief. "I missed you," she murmured against his lips, not wanting to let go just yet. _

_"__I'm sorry for being a douche," he told her shyly, running his fingers down her back. "I just… it's all been a little much and… I… my head was in a bad place and I couldn't tell you about the offer… I'm still not sure what to do about it," he informed her tentatively. _

_"__Alex," she looked at him with pain in her eyes. "I'm not expecting an answer from you… I just wanna be involved in your life," she told him, empathetically. She leaned in for another kiss. "I thought we were doing this together?" she voiced quietly. He nodded at her. _

_"__I'm sorry," he said again. _

_"__Do you wanna tell me what it is that you are so mad about?" _

_"__Nothing," he just said, dismissing her, pulling her into a hug. He ran his fingers up and down her back, feeling how she shivered slightly. She was crying. _

_"__What's up with you?"_

_Jo just shook her head, hugging him a little tighter. Alex sighed. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't even remember how all of this had started. It just felt to him like, one little thing after the other had happened, small things, tiny things really, and he hadn't found the courage to tell her at the time or voice his feelings and then he had felt himself pull away from her and every time he wanted to get back to her, he felt more embarrassed for pulling away in the first place, which made him pull away even more. It didn't really make sense. Well, it made sense to him. And then that Landsfield guy. God, he knew Jo was in love with _him_, Alex, just as much as he, Alex, loved her. He knew, she would never cheat on him, he knew she wasn't interested in her ex-hook-up. He knew that. But then again, maybe there would be a time when he fucked up even worse and she would turn towards him because it was convenient. Because he was there, offering himself. Maybe Alex hadn't fucked up enough already, maybe he would keep doing so and at some point, she wasn't going to stick with him anymore. Even though, at that very moment, she was lying in his arms, sobbing quietly. Wait, what? Why was she crying?_

_"__Jo," he whispered softly. She shook her head vehemently. "Baby, come on," he murmured into her ear. Alex tried to pull her back slightly, to look at her face but she wouldn't budge, and she was strong. She held on tightly to him. "Tell me what's going on," he murmured further. "Besides me being a jackass," he told her, sheepishly. This time Jo didn't move at all, but he could feel how she tried to steady herself and shape words against his chest. _

_"__I… I… no, it's nothing," she stopped again after her first try. _

_"__I'm sorry I haven't been there for you lately," Alex whispered gently. "But I am now. Tell me," he told her again. He could feel tears running down Jo's face quietly. _

_"__A while ago," she started shakily. "A while ago, my old teacher, Mrs. Schmidt, she called me," she explained with a husky voice. "She told me that a woman had been looking for me. A woman she had never seen before. But well… with my history and all… and her looks…. Well, Mrs. Schmidt was wondering if she could have been… you know…," she explained in a very low voice. Alex guts cramped. He was such an idiot. She was going through hell and he had been ignoring her. _God, you jackass_. He sighed heavily, pulling Jo even closer, trying to soothe her. When Jo realized that Alex had already caught on, she crumpled up and started crying even more heavily. Alex tried to calm her for a while, before she could speak again. _

_"__I didn't pursue it. I didn't want to. I couldn't find the… I mean… I can't…," Jo took a deep breath. "I don't even know if it's her. I don't. But you know… if it's her… she should have come back like 27 years ago. I mean… what the hell? It's too late now!" _

_Alex could feel her becoming a little more restless and he shushed her lightly. They lay in silence for a while to digest what had been said. _

_"__Mrs. Schmidt called again the other day. The day I tried to call you a thousand times, by the way," she couldn't help pointing out. Alex sighed, biting his lips in regret. "The woman had been back. And she had left a number. She wants me to call her," she explained, her voice a little more steady now. Alex shook his head barely noticeable and closed his eyes. Jo pulled back slightly to look at him. _

_"__What?" she asked him in confusion._

_"__Jo," he started, desperately trying to think of something reasonable to say. Something that might make his behavior seem a little less…terrible. Nothing came up. "I am so terribly sorry," he got out before Jo put her fingers on his mouth and shushed him._

_"__I don't wanna hear it," she told him, anger flashing within her eyes that were glazed over and red-rimmed. He tried not to break the eye contact but he couldn't. He felt like this was the worst he had ever behaved towards someone who had been loving and caring towards him continuously. Jo grabbed his face and pulled it up again, kissing him, deeply. He reciprocated, hesitantly. She pulled back before hugging him tightly again. _

_"__What the hell is wrong with us?" she whispered into his chest, before losing several more tears. They stayed like that until they both had fallen asleep. _

_-To be continued-_


	26. Chapter 26

_They spent the next week trying to pay more attention to the respective other and spending more time together. Alex's tight schedule didn't allow it much but they at least tried. They hadn't talked much more about it and Jo could feel there was still a lot that had to be discussed but she was gonna wait until a better timing. When Alex had decided, she thought. Once he had decided, what job he was going to take, he would have more time to spend with her and more time to talk about everything. Her problems… well, she had decided she wasn't going to think about them again, ever._

_February was creeping up on them and the entire hospital was getting excited about their upcoming celebration. Grey Sloan Memorial hospital was hosting a magnificent gala, to celebrate their huge successes from the last year and trying to ring in a new year of hope and top-notch healthcare. They would be talking up sponsors and taking in donations for new projects and everything else that was needed badly. Usually, Jo liked going to festivities of the likes but this year, it seemed like another thing put on her list that she didn't have time or nerves for. She had just met for coffee with Connor who had asked her about a certain surgery technique and gratefully noted down her advice on it when she ran into Alex on her way out of the cafeteria. She smiled up at him._

_"__Hey there," she said, happy about the random meeting. _

_"__You know, it's hysterical how you can't see how he's shadowing you," Alex commentated on what Jo thought must have been her coffee date with Connor. She frowned. _

_"__Where's this coming from all of a sudden?" she asked him tentatively, not wanting to get into a fight again over the same old story. _

_"__You know, I do realize that you are texting with him constantly, and you go out for drinks with him every other night-," Alex started._

_"__With him and all the _other _residents," Jo corrected him with watchful eyes._

_"__Yeah, whatever. I heard him talk about how he's gonna win you back again towards some other stupid resident the other day," Alex pointed out to her. Jo looked at him doubtfully._

_"__You are making that up," she accused him, slowly getting irritated with Alex's childish behavior. He shook his head at her, walking away. She followed him and pulled him into an empty stairway before resuming their talk. _

_"__Alex, you need to get over this fantasy of yours," Jo started. _

_"__I AM NOT MAKING THINGS UP FOR GOD'S SAKE," Alex yelled at her, Jo taken aback. _

_"__Don't yell at me, Alex," she shot back angrily. "I don't know why you keep going on and on about that but I told you, I'm sick and tired of it. I'm not in the position to do anything about Connor continuing his residency here and I'm sorry you're uncomfortable about it but I told you, there's nothing going on between him and me," she was on the verge of yelling as well._

_"__I'm not saying there's anything going on between you two but you can't be that blind or dumb to not see what he's up to," Alex blamed her. Jo flung her hands up in frustration._

_"__What do you want me to do? Go tell him to leave? Leave his residency behind? Leave Seattle? Because you are so threatened by one of my exes that you can't lead a normal relationship with me anymore?" Jo yelled at him madly. _

_"__Why don't you just cough it up and accept that he came all the way here for you?" _

_"__Why would I? It's not true!"_

_"__How about we just… we just end this right here and right now and you go be happy with him," Alex replied gruffly, making her eyes wide. _

_"__You don't mean that, Alex, stop it. You're mad, I can see that but we have no reasons to separate now. Stop being such a child about it," she reprimanded him, feeling how desperation filled her insides. She couldn't believe he was actually talking about breaking up. And she couldn't even think of a plausible reason why._

_"__You spend more time with him than me anyways," Alex pointed out half-heartedly, already knowing she was going to bite him for that. He didn't know what had overcome him but the sight of Connor talking to his girlfriend again, especially in the face of Alex still not quite being able to talk to Jo about things normally again, it made him mad. And if he could see his own mistakes so clearly, she surely could. She surely didn't wanna be with him anymore, right?_

_"__And whose fault is that, may I ask?" Jo snapped. "_You _have been ignoring me. _You _have been working like a maniac for weeks. _You _have been pushing me away, not including me in life choices any more, excluding me from anything else in your life as well. You are the one who decided I was not worth the time anymore," she ranted frantically, strands of hair falling out of her pony tail. They stared at each other, both furious, when they heard someone clearing their throat. They both turned around in surprise, seeing a very uncomfortable Stephanie looking at them. _

_"__I'm…. I'm sorry," she told them in a quiet voice. "I… I just wanted to remind you that we have to be at the gala in two hours… maybe it's time for you guys to get ready as well… except if you don't plan to go…," Stephanie stumbled out with a shivering voice. Jo looked at her apologetically. _

_"__No, it's fine, Steph, thanks for telling us. I'll meet you in the locker room in a second, okay?" _

_Stephanie nodded, glancing at a still steaming mad Alex anxiously before leaving them alone again. Jo turned around to look at Alex, deciding what to do next. _

_"__Let's get this over with, okay? I don't want to ruin the hospital's big night just because we are being ridiculous," she looked at him piercingly. "Let's talk about it when we get home, alright?" She took a step closer to Alex, who seemed to be trying to calm down as well. The only thing she needed right now was Alex telling her this wasn't over. This wasn't a break up. He nodded before turning around and walking away._

_Jo and Stephanie had both gotten ready in the locker rooms and driven over together. Jo could feel how even between them tension was palpable. She hadn't wanted Stephanie to overhear their fight and she felt responsible for her friend's mood swing. When she turned the car into the parking lot, she killed the engine and turned around to look at Stephanie. _

_"__Are you ready for the party?" she asked her in a half-hearted attempt to cheer her up a bit. Stephanie smiled at her sadly. _

_"__Sure, let's go," she replied, already getting out of the car. Jo followed and they entered the ballroom. Everything looked spectacular. She mingled among the residents for a while, keeping a look out for Alex who hadn't seemed to have arrived yet and then started talking up the sponsors for a while. It was 9.30 when she finally got her hands on some food from the buffet and sat down on one of the round tables besides Stephanie and some other doctors and watched couples dance to the soft tunes of the band while eating the nibbles half-heartedly. She really wasn't hungry. She stared down at her food. _

_All of a sudden, she could feel how someone – or let's say Alex, since she knew the feel of his hands – put his hands to her waist and got closer from behind, kissing her neck. She startled wildly, almost jumping at his touch. _

_"__Alex," she squealed, her heart racing. "You scared me," she closed her eyes briefly to calm herself. _

_"__Sorry," he said sheepishly, looking fabulous in his evening suit, as always. She smiled up at him insecurely, trying to find out what was going on. He looked at her for a second before voicing his request. _

_"__So, do you wanna dance?" he asked her, shyly. Jo looked up at him, touched. His eyes were studying her with an apologetic glint and he actually looked nervous. She smiled and nodded, getting up with his help. They had joined hands and he led her to the dance floor where he swiftly pulled her into a close embrace and they started swaying to the music. Alex arms held her tightly, she could feel how his muscles were rigid around her, and his movements were small. She sighed and leaned her head against his chest, breathing in his scent. She could feel him bend down towards her and kiss her naked shoulder tentatively, hesitantly nearing her ear. _

_"__You are so beautiful," he whispered into it, making Jo shudder. She closed her eyes and gulped, she really didn't want to start crying. After a few seconds, she opened them up again and glanced up at Alex, who was ready for her to match their eyes. They got lost in each other's eyes for a while, making out all the emotions that were swimming within them. Pain, fear, jealousy, desperation, regret. When Alex pulled Jo a little tighter, she cupped his cheeks and kept looking at him straightly. _

_"__Do you wanna go talk about it?" _

_Jo nodded without hesitation. He gave her a small smile before breaking their embrace and pulling her off the dance floor towards the lobby where he searched for an empty room to usher her in and talk without being overheard. The first room he could find looked like some kind of office. _

_They walked into it and Alex closed the door behind him. Jo walked over to the desk and turned around looking at Alex, leaning on it. Alex sighed deeply. "Look," he started, not really knowing what to tell her. He hesitated, giving Jo room to jump in. _

_"__Alex, I don't even know anymore what we're fighting about," she started, articulating herself a little confused as well. "I mean, we yell at each other and we are angry at each other and we can't seem to be able to be in the same room without exploding… but what is it really all about?" Alex, who had just been pacing up and down the room, stopped to look around at her. _

_"__Are you being serious right now?" he barked at her. _

_"__What?" she barked back, equally mad. Alex just wanted to reply to her with numerous colorful words when her phone rang. "Ugh," she yelled out, clearly frustrated. She shook her head. "Just ignore it," she said. _

_"__No, no, go ahead and take it, I for one already know who's calling you," Alex said, mockingly calm and looked at her expectantly. Jo rolled her eyes and got her phone out of her clutch. She took one look at the display and sent it to voicemail. She looked up at Alex who made an exasperated sign at her. _

_"__What?" she asked a little desperately. _

_"__Well, did I or did I not tell you?" he asked pointedly. _

_"__I can't control who calls me, you know," Jo answered madly. _

_"__Well, why do you think he keeps calling you?"_

_"__I don't even know what to tell you anymore, Alex," Jo said matter-of-factly. "I mean, what do you want me to tell you?" Alex sighed, clearly frustrated with the situation. "I mean, I can't control who calls me and I can't control who wants to spend time with me… and you keep telling me you are not jealous and you trust me… I really don't know what to say or do anymore that will please you," she begged him. Alex let out a chuckle. _

_"__It's not you I don't trust. It's him. You know that," he said sulkily. _

_"__Alex, we've been over this. You don't have to trust him. You don't know him. But you know me. And you say, you trust me. So, please, let's just carry on with our lives. Or you tell me what the hell it is that makes you so angry," Jo clarified. _

_"__Don't you see? We are fighting about him and in between he keeps calling you – since, even though you put your phone on silent I can see it flashing his stupid picture every couple of minutes. You don't even wanna admit that he is so into you and you enjoy his advances on you and that's why you don't want to stop all this," he said. _

_Jo looked at Alex with utter amazement. How could he be so insecure? "Why are you so threatened by him?" she asked. Alex let out a yell. _

_"__I am not threatened by him!" he yelled in frustration. "I just can't stand it if people lie. If you don't wanna be with me, just say so. If you'd rather be with him, go ahead and do it, I just can't stand the lying and pretending anymore," he said, still pacing around the room. _

_"__I thought you trusted me," Jo just said. Alex hesitated. _

_"__Well, maybe, that got compromised, too," he commented after a while. Jo looked at him for a second before putting her face in her hands and sighing. "You know what, you do whatever the hell you want and leave me out of it," Alex started furiously, brandishing his arms in the air. _

_"__Alex," Jo said sharply. If looks could kill. She pushed herself from the desk and walked passed him towards the door. _

_"__So now you're just gonna walk out? Great," Alex commented before Jo had reached the door and turned the key to lock it. She stood there for a second to collect herself. Then she turned around and walked towards Alex who stood, looking out the window which was actually barred with blinds and his arms in his sides. She stepped right in front of him, trying to catch his eyes. When he still wouldn't look at her, she took her hands and turned his face around. _

_"__Look at me," she said in a firm voice. Alex reluctantly turned his head towards Jo, who looked at him with blazing eyes. They paused for a second before Jo lunged and kissed Alex square on the mouth. Alex looked completely untouched and didn't move an inch. Jo looked at him exasperatedly. _

_"__Just kiss me, will you?" she asked, before putting her hands on his chest and inching closer. She looked at him with a forceful stare before leaning in again and this time, Alex couldn't stop his inner demon and he let her kiss him and suddenly embraced her, taking her whole body off the ground and lunging into a rough, passionate kiss. Jo moaned loudly, realizing the emotions that met her. She put her arms around his neck and let all her own emotions flow into the kiss as well. The fire and passion came out of nowhere, and it took them both vigorously. They dueled wildly, almost as if they were fighting with their bodies, expressing everything that they couldn't say with words. _

_"__Oh God," Jo murmured against his lips, trying to get his jacket off of him feverishly. He picked her up, still kissing life and death out of her and easily carried her over to lean against the desk. She got her arms off around his neck and went to work at his belt. He groaned when she succeeded and touched his man parts softly. He bit down on her lower lip before pulling up her dress and trying to get underneath it. Jo, who couldn't help anticipating the fast move forward from all the tension that has been jammed up inside her, moaned, and threw her head back, when Alex simultaneously run his fingers up her thighs teasingly slow and kissing her neck hungrily. Jo opened her legs slightly, giving him room to stand and matched her eyes with his. Alex's stare was burning. She breathed heavily, feeling how her insides had started to turn to mush and her knees shivered. She held herself up to his neck with one hand and had put the other one around his waist, while he was still moving his hand upwards teasingly slow. "Alex," she sighed heavily, before he slowly put his fingers on her panties, teasing her through it. She couldn't take it anymore. She needed him, now. _

_"__Alex, please," she breathed out again making him look up at how determined her voice sounded. He smirked. "Oh, cut it out," she growled before pulling him down into another mind blowing kiss. Her cell phone kept flashing with incoming calls from the person they were actually fighting about but they both were too busy noticing. Alex moved both his hands to her hips and slowly freed her of her panties and put them in his pants pocket. Jo stared at him hungrily, swollen lips and dress askew. Alex's gaze didn't move when he took another step closer to her, pressing his steel hard erection into her thigh, while reaching underneath her dress and starting to encircle her clit. Jo's eyes fluttered shut immediately, trying to support herself with her arms on the desk. Alex took two fingers and slid them inside her teasingly slow, making her moan. His other arm snaked around her body to pull her closer, making her look at him fiercely. They lunged into another kiss, only being interrupted by countless moans and the shallow breathing they were both victim of. _

_"__Alex," Jo murmured into the kiss after a while. "I'm," she stuttered, his tongue dissuading her from saying anything. "Alex, please," she said again, bringing her hand that she wasn't using for support around his neck down to his throbbing penis getting him out of his confines of the boxers Alex was wearing. She stroked him intensely, making him beg for mercy now. He broke the kiss and leaned his forehead on her shoulder, basking in the sensation of Jo's soft fingers pleasuring him. She knew what she was doing and while she could barely think due to Alex's fingers doing his magic with her, she didn't need to. She had done this to him countless times in her life. She knew what she was doing. _

_"__Jo," Alex groaned loudly, looking back up at her face. He was close, she could feel it. She nodded. He put his arms around her and picked her up to walk over to the office chair and sat down, pulling her on top of him. Good thing Jo had chosen one of her more flowing dresses. Made things a lot easier. She inched closer to where she needed to be right now and looked at his face. His gaze made her shudder. It still amazed her, what all Alex could say with a simple look he was giving her. He run his right hand up her arm and cupped her cheek, making her lean into it and gave him a painful look. _Don't give me those eyes_. Jo pleaded with him in thought. _I love you, too_. She leaned down to kiss him, longingly, intensely. _

_Alex cupped her hips with his hands and guided her down onto his erection. They both stopped in ecstasy and moaned. "Oh God," Jo emitted loudly, feeling how her insides embraced his penis, how she had missed that sensation of him grinding into her. He groaned. _God, she felt good_. It would never cease to amaze him how different it was with Jo. How he couldn't even think anymore once they got going. How his mind just stopped working and all that mattered was how staggering it was being inside her. Once they got accustomed, Jo started moving, steadily growing faster, their breathing becoming erratic in unison. Alex's left hand held her hip tightly while his right hand fiddled with her dress and pulled it down to tease her nipples. _

_"__You feel so good," he muttered in excitement, leaning his head back on the chair, watching her ecstasy. Alex could feel how close she was. She was tight and he loved it. He could feel how her hips started to arch barely noticeably and her knees started to tremble even in the position she was in. He moved his arms around her, encircling her, to support her orgasm, to tell her it was okay to let herself fall, he was holding her tightly. Jo leaned her upper body closer to him and stared straight into his eyes while she could feel how her insides started to convulse. He loved to watch her come. She was so beautiful. It was always intense with them but at that moment he felt like she had never come like that before. The anger and hurt and passion all mixed into her orgasm right now. He was so close, too, he needed to fight not to let his eyes close in passion. He wanted to see her face. Her luscious lips. Her heavy eyelids, her burning gaze, watching him intently. They way her breasts moved rhythmically with her hip movements. The curls that entangled her naked shoulders. _

_Jo felt completely exposed to Alex. He was observing her meticulously. She felt his stare grazing her whole body. He brought them back up to match with hers. They shared a passionate glare before she couldn't hold her eyes open anymore and succumbed to a mind-blowing, gut-wrenching, intense orgasm. His arms held her tightly, her breaths came heavily and she felt safe. Safe in his embrace. A couple of seconds later, she could feel him come inside her and heard him groan loudly. She smiled exhaustedly, letting herself be pulled even tighter to him. _God, you are killing me_. Jo thought to herself, letting the aftermath of her world-rocking orgasm wash over her, only focusing on Alex's fingers drawing soothing circles on her back as he always did and feeling his somewhat shortened breath on her shoulder. _

_They sat like this for a while, neither of them talking, just basking in each other's presence. Several minutes later, they could both witness how Jo's clutch tumbled to the wooden floor, shedding its contents including her phone, vibrating loudly on the hard floor. Jo closed her eyes in defeat and gulped. Her heart ached for Alex's pain. She had never wanted him to feel threatened. She hadn't ever wanted for him to think even only for a second that she was straying. _I love you, stupid_. She thought to herself, trying to hold the tears back. She could feel how his hands had stopped moving and she pushed herself up slightly, looking down at her boyfriend. He looked exhausted. She smiled at him insecurely. "It's okay," Alex said quietly, making her close her eyes and bite her lips. "Go, find him," he said. "He probably doesn't know anyone much here," he stated, averting her eyes. _

_Jo sighed and then slowly climbed down from him and adjusted her dress before turning around to reach for a tissue and handing it to Alex. She got all her stuff packed up in her clutch again and looked for potential traces of their love making. She couldn't find any. When Alex got up and closed his dress pants and belt up, she looked at him. He walked by her to retrieve his jacket and came to stand in front of her. She had walked back to the spot they had initially stood at and leaned against the desk, pondering. When he stood there, right in front of her, she silently grabbed for his tie and fixed it for him. "Where are my panties?" she murmured faintly, reaching into his jacket pocket. _

_"__Here," he pulled them out of his pants pocket and handed them to her with a crooked smile. She put them in her clutch and stared back at his face. They didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then she shook her head at him desperately knowing exactly what he was thinking. _

_"__No, Alex, I'm not leaving you," she said, pushing herself up from the desk to stand closer. "I love you, you stupid idiot, stop trying to think of reasons why not. There are none," she pouted almost like a 6 year old before kissing him deeply, longingly. They broke when somebody knocked on the door. Both of them sighed. _

_"__Jo, are you in there?" They heard Stephanie's voice call. Jo shook her head at him and waited until she heard the other girl walk away. She rested her hand on Alex's chest for a second before both of their pagers went off. They checked them and saw the 911 call. _

_"__I'll go out the back," Jo informed Alex quietly pointing to the patio door, before stepping up in front of him and reaching up to kiss him one last time. "I'll meet you back at the hospital, alright?" Alex nodded, waiting until she had left and walked out to the lobby himself, trying to figure out what was going on. _

_After Jo had walked across the patio to go back into the premises of the ongoing ball she headed straight to the bathroom and tried to calm down in one of the stalls. She put her panties back on, wincing at the touch. She was still sensitive, still aroused. She closed her eyes, thinking about how Alex had kissed down her neck, had touched her intimately. She could feel how she was still slightly wet, thinking about the hardness of him. The hardness that he saved only for her. She sat on the closed toilet seat to make her knees stop shivering. She hugged her arms tightly to her body and sighed. They really needed to get over their stupid fight. She couldn't do this any longer. She needed him to be his usual self again. His usual self confident, supportive, loving, 'I don't give a damn' self. She missed coming home to the safety of his arms and soothing of his words. She needed him to stop freaking out about stupid Connor. _

_Jo put her face in her hands and sighed. She steadied herself and got out, looking at the mirror. She was glad she had decided to take the back way in, she looked a mess. Her lips were swollen and her make-up was a complete disaster. She cleansed her face carefully before putting on new make-up. She was going to have to talk to Connor. He needed to leave. As much as she didn't care about him being in Seattle, Alex cared too much. If there was one thing she did know it was that she didn't care one tiny bit if she never got to see her stupid ex-boyfriend's face again but cared more than anything about what Alex thought. She needed to make him see that. She looked at her reflection one more time before turning around and walking out in the lobby. _

_-to be continued-_


	27. Chapter 27

**Guys, this is the third part of the flashback. Regarding some of your comments, I just have to say this: as a person, I feel terrible for having made you feel so awful. As a writer, I feel exhilarated, to be honest. I remember making this whole fight up in my head for days and writing on it forever, changing it and deleting scenes and re-writing them, adding some stuff and leaving it away. The thing is, in my head, it was such a terrible, terrible fight between them, because it was supposed to show how much they could overcome together. And it wasn't only 'a stupid fight about an ex-boyfriend' but so much more. I wanted to portray their emotions in a wide spectrum. I wanted to show that dealing with emotions is so much more than just saying what you feel and the other one reacts. I wanted to show that emotions are messy, ESPECIALLY for those two because they never really learned how to 'do it right' from someone they trusted and looked up to. And I remember, in my head and in my heart, the story hurt so terribly, it hurt me so passionately, that I was moping around for days, which you know, never really happens. I mean, I am a really passionate writer and I try to put words on paper that will capture my emotions perfectly and will affect the reader just as much. But still, it was really weird feeling so absolutely awful for a couple of days in January about something I made up wholly in my mind. So, let me tell you again, a big, big thank you, to all of you guys. Seeing that this affected you just as much as it did me - greatest compliment a writer could get! **

**P.S. My story is still far from done. There's a lot coming up until we'll eventually enter the finale and I'm sorry but observing your reactions to all the previous chapters - I kinda have the feeling that a lot of you won't be happy with me for a while now. I hope you are still going to stick with me through to the end. **

_The premises erupted in mayhem. People were streaming out and shouting about. Jo moved towards the exit when bumping into Stephanie. _

_"__Jo, there you are," she exclaimed frantically. "Let's move, we need to get to the hospital ASAP," she said, dragging Jo towards the parking lot. _

_"__What's going on Steph?" _

_"__Didn't you get paged 911?"_

_"__Yeah, I was on my way out anyways but I'm not the only doctor on call, right?" Jo rolled her eyes, looking for her car keys, ignoring the once again flashing screen of her phone. _

_"__There was some kind of mass accident," Stephanie informed her. "The E.R. seems to be crammed from what Webber told me," she said, getting into the passenger's seat. Jo started the car and drove towards the exit, not responding much to Stephanie's talking. _

_"__Where have you been?" Stephanie asked her after a while. "I didn't see you around much after you guys went out on that dance," she pondered. _

_"__Um… we were there. You know, chatting with people," Jo answered dismissively. _

_"__Are you guys okay?" Stephanie asked, seemingly uncomfortable. Jo risked a glance towards her friend. _

_"__Yeah, sure," she said, her eyes darting back to the street ahead. _

_"__That fight was intense…," Stephanie mused quietly. "Are you sure you-," she started but Jo cut her. _

_"__We're fine, Steph, no need to concern yourself with," she said sharply, her friend looking at her in surprise. "I'm sorry, Steph," Jo apologized, sighing heavily. "It's been a long day already," she explained. The other one nodded slowly, trying to size up the driver. _

_"__Alright, I'm just going to say this right now, alright… I don't even know if I'm supposed to or if this is what you'd want me to do but you are my friend and I can't just ignore what I saw and… I just need to tell you because it will drive me crazy if I don't," Stephanie started rambling. Jo frowned. _

_"__What are you talking about?" she asked a little gruffly. Stephanie hesitated, clearly scared of what was going to happen after she'd said the words. _

_"__I saw Alex coming out of a side room of the lobby just before we left… you know… and before I heard… well… oh, Jo, I'm so sorry, I really am," Jo's friend stuttered, much to her surprise. "But I definitely heard him having sex in there. I… I… I don't even know what to say, Jo, I'm so terribly sorry… I… I mean I wouldn't say anything if I wasn't one hundred percent sure but I am… and I would have looked longer to see who he was with but then the chaos started and everyone was trying to get to their cars you know… I'm sorry, Jo," Stephanie looked at her friend who hadn't shown a reaction yet. _

_"__You really think telling me this while I'm driving you in my car is the best timing you could find?" Jo gave her an unbelieving look before turning back to the street. Stephanie stagnated. _

_"__Um, well, I mean, I didn't know what else to do," she said truthfully. Jo nodded and sighed. _

_"__Well, thanks for telling, anyways, I appreciate your honesty with me," Jo said. Stephanie frowned at her. _

_"__That's all you're gonna say? I just told you your boyfriend had sex with some woman in the closet and you tell me off for telling you in the car due to potentially crashing it and then thanking me for my honesty? What's going on, Jo?" Jo looked at the clearly agitated Stephanie bemused, halting at a red light. _

_"__You are so dumb sometimes, girl, you know that?" Jo stated exasperatedly. Stephanie looked offended. Jo rolled her eyes at her. "Some woman was me in there, you dope," she said, moving the car fast when the lights turned. Stephanie looked something in between relieved and stricken. "You should see your face, it's priceless," Jo chuckled humorlessly. She wasn't in the mood to joke. _

_"__Alright, I'm sorry, Jo. I didn't see you come out. And then when I did spot you, you were coming from a completely different direction," she wondered out loud. Jo breathed out testily. _

_"__I walked out the patio and took the back way to avoid awkward conversations just like we are having one right now," she said, giving her friend a pointed look. "Just leave it, please; Alex and I are fine, I swear. We need to figure some things out but we'll be okay," she said, sighing. Stephanie looked at her friend in concern. _

_"__Alright, if you say so," she concluded. Jo nodded gratefully. She pulled into the hospital parking lot and they both ran straight into the E.R._

_ "__Where do you need us?" they immediately called to a frantic looking Dr. Hunt. _

_"__Edwards, trauma room 3. Wilson, help me stitch up those superficial wounds to make space for incoming traumas," he ordered them immediately. Jo nodded and got herself a gown and gloves. She worked on a couple of people and sent them out, when two more ambulances pulled in with what seemed severe emergencies. _

_"__Wilson, Perkins, I need your help out here," she heard the chief of surgery call inside and she rushed out. He had just taken out a severely injured kid on a gurney. The boy looked no older than 3 and seemed to be unconscious. "Perkins, trauma room 2," Hunt directed. The paramedics were frantic. _

_"__Kid's parents had a car crash, both dead at the scene. A passing driver stopped and called us, the kid was well aided when we arrived. The person tending to him had been hit by on-coming traffic, though," the woman narrated in quick words, already opening up the doors of the second ambulance. When they wheeled out the gurney, Jo's heart stopped in its tracks. This was not happening. _

_Jo couldn't breathe anymore. She couldn't think anymore, hear anymore. Everything was quiet. Everything was a blur. The only thing she was seeing was Alex strapped to a gurney, head stabilized, blood everywhere, unconscious. Her breathing hitched. _

_"__Wilson," she could hear a male voice shout at her. "Wilson, come on," there it was again. She looked around to see a panic-stricken Hunt wheel Alex inside. The paramedic beside her looked at her in shock. "Wilson, come in here," Hunt shouted again. She moved her legs towards the entrance. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. They had wheeled Alex into Trauma 1 and had shut the door; nurses were running in and out of it, bringing fluids, bringing blood, wheeling in a crash cart. _

_"__Noooo!" Jo could hear herself yell hysterically, running towards the trauma room, only to be stopped by steel hard arms wrapping around her, halting her. She screamed. "No! Alex," she could hear herself cry and beg, completely besides herself. The person holding on to her didn't loosen their grip and just stayed, embracing her. Jo watched April coming out of the Trauma room, walking swiftly towards her with a sorrowful face, squeezing her upper arm and saying something to her. She couldn't make it out. Her ears were still on shut down, her eyes wide, her world in slow motion. Spinning. She saw them wheeling Alex out towards the elevators. That meant he was alive, right?_

_She turned around and looked at who was holding her. Jackson. He looked down at her with piercing eyes, still not letting go of her. He shook her. _

_"__Jo," he said repeatedly. "Jo, come on," he said again. She just looked up at him desperately. _She couldn't live without Alex. There was no way she was going to survive without Alex_. Jackson looked at her completely forlorn. He sighed and took her into his arms where she started sobbing uncontrollably. They pulled her out of the E.R. and into the attendings' lounge. Slowly, people started crowding around them. Jo was still in shock. She could see everyone looking at her, whispering, giving her pitiful looks. But she couldn't make out what they were saying. Not because they were talking so low, but because she felt like a shield had constructed itself around her which separated her from everyone else. After a while, people started scattering, and she looked up at the clock. It was already after 2 a.m. She must have sat there for hours. She looked up, seeing all the sad faces around her. All of a sudden, her ears, her eyes, her brain, everything went back to normal. _

_"__What are you guys staring at?" she snapped at Grey and Robbins who sat on the coffee table in front of her. _

_"__Jo, everything's going to be okay," Meredith tried to calm her down. _

_"__Why aren't you helping him? Why are you sitting here?" Jo yelled frantically._

_"__Jo, it's okay. Alex is in good hands. Bailey and Kepner are working on his inner bleedings and Callie is working on his fractures. Everything will be fine. Derek looked at his brain. He didn't seem to have hit his head," Meredith explained. Jo was breathing heavily. Arizona squeezed her shoulder._

_"__Jo, everything is going to be okay. Alex is going to be fine. You don't need to worry, Bailey and Callie and April are fixing him," Arizona repeated for her, realizing she wasn't processing properly. The door opened and April came striding towards Jo, sitting down next to her, engulfing her in a hug. The other two women looked at her in surprise. Jo immediately cracked. She felt how the tears were streaming down her face and her body crumpled. April sat with her for a while before Jo pulled herself together and dried off her tears. _

_"__How is he?" she said, completely back to business. _

_"__He's fine. We could remove all his bleeders and Callie should have finished with his fractures by now. He's probably already out of surgery," she told the younger woman. Jo nodded. _

_"__Thanks," she said quietly, sighing. "I'm sorry," she directed towards the other two women. They both shook their heads. _

_"__It's okay, Jo, don't worry. He gave us all a scare," Meredith reassured her. "But now that we know he's going to be fine. I suggest you start going over your lecture for him. I can't believe how reckless he behaved. Triaging in the dark. So Alex," she shook her head. Jo chuckled humorlessly. All of a sudden, Stephanie came barging in and looked at Jo wide-eyed._

_"__Jo, I just heard," she said. "How is he?" _

_"__He'll be fine," Jo said, relief washing over her as she heard the words come out of her own mouth. Stephanie closed her eyes thankfully. _

_"__I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier, we were going straight to the O.R.," she explained. Jo shook her head. _

_"__It's okay," she said and got up. _

_"__Thanks guys," she turned around to look at Alex's attending friends. She felt a little foolish. She had had a major breakdown. In front of her bosses. That was going to stay with her for sure. But she really didn't care right now. All she wanted to do was see him. Stephanie walked her to the wake-up room, where she waited outside. Jo went inside and straight to his bed. Alex's body looked fragile. Tears sprang to her eyes again. _Oh, you stupid, stupid idiot_. She thought before rounding the bed and going to his side to kiss him. She petted his bandaged head softly and looked at him. She felt the guilt rise in her _guts. Of course you were going for reckless, irrationally thinking you and I were through. You stupid bastard._ The tears kept on streaming down her face as she lay her head down next to Alex's arm on his bed. She stayed there for a while before the nurse informed her that they were going to wheel him to a room. She nodded and stayed back. _

_Walking out, she saw that Stephanie had waited for her. She smiled. _

_"__You shouldn't have," she said quietly, meeting sad eyes. _

_"__It's okay, I wanted to," she said. "I don't want you to think that April Kepner has to be your new best friend," she teased her slightly, making Jo look up. _

_"__You can't be serious, right?" she asked her. Stephanie chuckled, shaking her head. _

_"__No, forget it, I was just trying to lighten the mood with something ridiculous," she winked at her. _

_They entered the residents' locker room and Jo took a shower and changed to scrubs since she didn't wanna go back into her dress. When she was done, she went to visit with Alex. He was still out. She watched him sleep for a while, before she heard a light knock at the door. She turned around to face the visitor. Her eyes widened in horror and she got up immediately, pushing Connor out the door. _

_"__What are you doing here?" she hissed. _

_"__I heard about the accident. How is he?" Connor asked, fake concern lacing his voice. _

_"__You don't really care, do you?" she asked him, anger showing up in her voice. _

_"__He's alive, right? That's all that matters," he stated. _

_"__Yes, indeed. So, what are you doing here?" she pressed. _

_"__Well, I wanted to ask you if you needed someone to stay with tonight?" Connor asked straightforwardly. Jo looked at him incredulously._

_"__What the hell are you saying?" she asked, not believing her ears. _

_"__Let me be frank," Connor started. _

_"__Oh, please, go ahead," Jo said, trying to calm herself from getting too agitated. _

_"__I overheard your fight today. And if you'll be honest with yourself, your relationship hasn't been thriving much lately, has it? I mean, it seems like you guys are nearing your expiration date. I just wanted to let you know that I'm there. Because as sad as this accident happening is, it probably won't change your mind, right?" he looked at her innocently. Jo was speechless. Everything Alex had been preaching to her had actually been true and not been made up out of self-depreciation and insecurity. She couldn't believe how bold people could become at times. But more than that, she couldn't believe how wrong she had been. She took a deep breath, trying not to yell and make people attentive. _

_"__Let me make one thing perfectly clear, Connor," she started, sharply. "I have no idea where you get your guts from but I suggest that you take all those guts and get the hell out of here. I don't know what made you come back but you are not welcome here anymore," she got out before being interrupted. _

_"__I came here for you," he stated completely innocently as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. It staggered Jo that she hadn't seen it before. She looked for the right words. _

_"__Again, I don't know how you jump to the conclusion that I ever wanted to get back with you again. _I _dumped _you_ if you remember. And also, that was about… 5 years ago. I mean, what the hell, Connor? I'm with Alex, don't you get it?" _

_"__Well, I just wanted to let you know that there are alternatives out there," he stated soberly. Jo shook her head in disbelief. _

_"__Are you really that stupid? It was never a choice between Alex and you, Connor. There is no choice. I am with Alex. I wanna be with Alex. It doesn't matter how many alternatives or who is out there, I'm choosing Alex. Every time. I love him. I wanna be with him. I didn't choose between you and Alex. I chose Alex, period. Now, please, just go. I don't wanna see you again, ever. You make me sick. Really, you… no, just go, I don't wanna see your face anymore," she concluded, turning around and walking back inside Alex's room, closing the door behind her and leaning against it, sighing, eyes closed. _

_"__I told you he was into you," she heard Alex croak weakly. She yanked her eyes open in shock and looked at him. _Oh God, he's alive_. Her lips trembled and tears started falling again before she strode towards him in one swift movement and lay down at his side, hugging him tightly, weeping into his shoulder. Alex's uninjured arm snaked around her and held on tightly. _

_"__Shh, it's okay," he tried to soothe her. _

_"__No," she replied sharply. "You don't get to tell me it's okay," she sobbed. "I almost lost you, you freaking stupid idiot. Don't ever do this again, do you hear me? Don't you ever dare doing something like this again," she looked at him sharply, tears streaming down her face, Alex looking at her wide-eyed before pulling her down against him as much as he could with his sore body and hugging her to him, drawing soothing circles on her back. _

_"__I'm sorry," he whispered. Jo nodded into his shoulder. _

_"__You should be," she said, still whimpering slightly, her breathing shallow. Alex placed a soft kiss on her temple and winced slightly, having moved an inch too much. _

_"__Are you okay?" Jo asked immediately. _

_"__I'm fine," he said. _

_They looked at each other for a couple of minutes before Alex cleared his throat again. _

_"__I'm sorry I have been giving you such a hard time," he started. Jo shook her head. "No, let me finish. Of course we still need to talk it out once I'm a little more… stable," he said. "But I want you to know that I was wrong, too. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made your last couple of months hell," he squeezed her shoulder. _

_"__Just shut up, will you? Let's talk about it at home," she said, cuddling closer into Alex's good side. "I love you. Don't die on me, please, I wouldn't be able to cope," she whispered so quietly, Alex could barely make it out. He hugged her. _

_"__I really don't know what I ever did to deserve you," he concluded, his heart heavy with regret and his body feeling like he had been… well, run over by a car, to be exact._

-back in 2019-

Jo's eyes narrowed and her mouth was shaped in a very fine line. Alex looked at her in surprise.

"What is it?" he asked her timidly. Jo took several breaths before shaping her right hand into a fist and boxing Alex's chest roughly. Alex's eyes widened.

"What was that for?" he gagged.

"You let yourself get run over by a freaking car?" Jo questioned him, enraged. Alex looked at her with unbelieving eyes.

"That's what you are mad about?"

"Yes, you moron, you could have died for all we know," she spit out, her voice bathed with anger and part worry.

"I'm fine, this was like more than four years ago, I'm right here, healthy as a horse, as you can see," Alex argued.

"Doesn't matter! You are supposed to be taking care of yourself, so I can count on you being here with me," she threw back at his head.

"You know, I could throw this right back at you," Alex pointed out, trying to calm her, rubbing her upper arm gently. Jo looked at him with burning eyes. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, pulling herself closer to lean her forehead against his.

"Don't do stuff like that, please," she said, her guard completely down, genuine pain lacing her voice. Alex smiled compassionately.

"It's okay, Jo," he told her again. "I survived. You did too. And we're both here," he purred.

"Don't baby me," Jo replied, still sounding cross. Alex opened his eyes and looked at his wife's tense face. He kissed her forehead and then moved down to her temple and cheek, before rolling over to lie on his back, dragging her to lie closely at his side. Jo opened her eyes and looked at him sincerely.

"Did we get to solve our problems eventually?" she asked him quietly, playing with his sparse chest hair.

"Yes, we did. It took some time, lots and lots of hours of talking and well… crying and… misunderstanding. But we did figure it out. And we came out a lot stronger," Alex recounted.

"What was it that made us stronger afterwards?"

Alex thought about it for a while. "Well, first of all – obviously – we learned that there was no way around communicating. Like… efficiently. It's still something we work on every day. But we never had problems with it again as we did that time," he said.

"It's funny how you say that and then look at us now," Jo raised his eyebrows at him.

"What do you mean by that?" Alex tried to not get offended.

"Well… I do think we've been having troubles communicating since the accident," Jo became a little shyer when she saw Alex's expression. He kept looking at her, unable for her to read him. "Alex?"

"I'm trying to… think about the last few weeks. But yeah, you're probably right. I tend to close up really fast when I'm faced with challenges," he conceded. "But so do you, mostly," he added quickly. "I mean, not that one time but usually, if it's something concerning yourself, you close up really fast, too." Jo looked at him with compassion.

"As long as you promise me you will keep it in mind and not ignore me when I'm voicing an opinion, I think we can both work it out," Jo told him, still running her hands up and down his chest. He nodded. There was a little pause when they both tried to go back to what they had just interrupted.

"One of the most important things I learned during that fight was that you actually cared about me. And what I mean with that is not that you loved me but you _cared_ about me, you _wanted_ to know what was going on in my life, you _wanted_ to hear it, you _wanted_ to be involved. I never had anyone to tell all my stuff to. I mean, there wasn't ever a person who would enjoy listen to me talk about what things I loved at work and what my thoughts were and the challenges I had to face and there wasn't ever anyone who really wanted me to make good decisions, decisions that needed to be talked about. That's why I pulled away so hard. Because I… I believed I needed to do this alone. The family that I grew up in taught me that once you were grown up, you were all by yourself. You didn't have anyone who cared shit about you. You didn't have anyone who cared about giving you advice or helping with decisions. _You_ begged differently," he told her, starting to play with her curls. Jo studied his face closely.

"Is that the only reason you pulled away that hard? That you dove into your workload and left me out in the cold…?"

"The biggest part of it yes… of course, when I realized you were maybe finding more comfort or more interest in someone else… that only stoked my fears and I pulled away even harder…," he remembered. Jo nodded insecurely.

"What about the jealousy?"

Alex sighed deeply. "One thing the fight really helped with was getting over the fact that we were not alone in this world and even though we committed to each other, there were still tons of other people out there, people that showed interest in one of us, people we had a past with, people who sometimes wanted to break us up because they thought one of us was better off with them as a partner. But just because there are people that wanna get it on with one of us, doesn't mean we do. That's something that was really hard to realize. But it is so important. Just because Connor tried to win you back, didn't mean that you were into him as well – I didn't get that in the beginning, now it sounds trivial and stupid and completely obvious. Same thing with Elliot, by the way. Just because he fancied you, didn't mean you wanted him to nor you wanted to be with him. I guess this really must sound silly and childish but being in a relationship and being the complicated people that we sure are… it's important to realize that at some point. And that fight helped us with that a lot. Both of us. You had a hard time as well. With me having been married before and all. But we got over it and now we're better off because of it…," Alex concluded. Jo looked him straight in the eye.

"I'm glad we got over it," she said eventually. "As far as I can be a judge of that, this is a huge realization lots of couples lack of." Alex nodded in agreement. "Thank you for telling me," Jo said earnestly. "I know it's hard for you."

"It's okay. It's good to think it over again, to refresh the memory of it. Especially in our situation," he told her. She smiled at him. They lay in each other's arm for the rest of the afternoon, each of them mulling the story over in their heads silently, gripping onto each other for support and not letting go, because being with each other had become the most important thing in both of their worlds.

When the sun was setting early evening, Alex looked over to his wife, trying to make out if she was asleep. She smiled back at him. He took a deep breath and tried to shape what had been in his mind even though every cell of his being screamed "No!".

"So… do you wanna hear… you know… about your-," Alex stuttered out before Jo interrupted him with fear in her eyes.

"No," she spit out wildly. "No, please, don't say it!"

Alex tried to hide his surprise at Jo's reaction even though he knew how she had thought about her non-existent family way back and stroked her arm soothingly. "Okay, okay, I'm not gonna, calm down," he shushed her low-voiced. Jo closed her eyes and took a deep breath, looking up at him again with embarrassment written all over her face.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I'm just… I… I don't think I can… I mean… I can't handle it right now…," she tried to explain herself. Alex smiled a tiny smile at her.

"It's okay, Jo. I just wanted to give you the choice… compared to not mentioning it at all the last couple of months….," he said. "And with bringing it up in the story I told you today… I thought you might wanna know," he explained. Jo smiled and closed her eyes.

"You're sweet. You really are. I just… For once, I really think you are right. I can't handle everything at once. And I really… I can't even believe this is something that has actually happened… I mean… not once have I thought about _that_ being an option of having happened the last six years…. But Alex, I really don't wanna know. If it's… I mean, no, let's not talk about it anymore. I don't wanna know. Not now," she concluded. Alex nodded at her.

"Whenever you are ready, you know who to come talk to, okay?" he looked at her lovingly. She smiled.

"I know. You are my big, soft, cute secret keeper teddy bear," she teased him lightly, pushing herself up to a sitting position and wriggling her eyebrows at him. He laughed before pulling her elbow down slightly and kissing her softly before letting her go. Jo got up and put on some nanny-suitable clothing. Alex watched her at it, still mulling over everything they had been talking about.

"You know, Jo," he started up once again, when she was already crossing the threshold towards the bathroom, making her turn around in surprise, leaning against the doorframe. "About the perfect thing…," he voiced, trying to shape a sentence. "I really don't wanna sound too… I mean… like a pretentious show-off… but…," he stuttered lightly, making Jo raise her eyebrows and biting her lower lip with a smile she wanted to hide dearly. "I'm really glad you think that way. I mean… dubbing our life… our relationship… dubbing everything perfect. I… I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to hear that… because you know, not everybody thinks our lives are perfect. It's _us, _and only _us, _who think that way… because I love you so much…and you love me… and that's everything that counts… everything else… just works out or doesn't… but it doesn't matter… because we have each other…," he rambled. "You know what I mean?" Alex looked over at Jo after his big thinking, seeing her smirk at him. His eyes widened. When she started laughing full-throatedly, he puffed, taking serious offense.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I'm opening my heart to you and you…," Alex started pompously, exaggerating his tone a little as well, before Jo had jogged over to him, leaned down and shut him up with a kiss, still laughing slightly. When she pulled back, he looked at her suspiciously.

"You are the sweetest man I have ever met in my life. And also, a tiny little bit tacky. But just a tad," she smiled at him, cheekily. Alex's head had turned a bright shade of red, which was rare and made Jo laugh even more. She pecked his lips one more time before slapping his arm. "Get yourself dressed properly," she ordered. Alex frowned. "You wouldn't believe the eyes Lauren gave us when she entered the bedroom today," she chuckled.

"She actually came in here?" Alex widened his eyes. Jo nodded at him.

"Yeah, she was almost as embarrassed as you are tacky," she teased him, slipping through Alex's arms spryly before he could catch her. He chased her towards the bathroom door but kissed the wooden surface, moving too slowly. He could hear Jo's cackling laughter inside the bathroom and shook his head, chuckling to himself. _Thank you for surviving, Jo. I couldn't have lived without you._


	28. Chapter 28

When Jo was done with showering and getting ready, she came out of the steaming bathroom with a wide smile, looking over at Alex who had dropped on the bed again, his body sprawled across it, lying on his stomach and reading something on his tablet. He glanced up at her swiftly before his eyes got caught by her beaming face.

"What's with you?" he smiled back at her, questioningly.

"Ugh, I just feel so much better," she exclaimed. He laughed.

"Because you have a tacky husband?" His eyes glinted at her, making her laugh as well.

"Well, that makes me feel good every day," she pointed out before kneeling down in front of him and blinking her freshly painted eyelashes at him, trying to flirt her way into his good graces. "But I was actually talking about having a shower, putting on new clothes, you know… after spending all day in bed," she winked at him, smiling. Alex studied her face mockingly, nodding heavily.

"Ahh, so that's what all those people are talking about… having a shower… must be new on the market, making people feel so good and everything…," he said lazily, giving her back a smile.

"Yeah, you should try it some time, it's awesome," she chuckled, wriggling her eyebrows at him.

"Mhm," he just nodded, grinning and pulling himself closer to her on his elbows, their faces remaining only inches apart. Jo took a deep breath, just enjoying their silly talk and comfortable interaction. She brought her arm up to lean the elbow on the bed and cupped his cheek with her right hand, softly scratching along his jaw, feeling the stubble underneath her fingers, making him purr. She smiled.

"You _are _a big, soft teddy bear, aren't you?" she teased him lightly, her voice and face full of love.

"Hmmm… I like strong, scary tiger better," he reacted, giving her a little roar, making Jo chuckle.

"Yeah," she laughed. "More like a soft, cuddly kitten, you mean," she added, making him narrow his eyes at her. He roared again, infecting her with more laughter.

"I'm gonna show you just how much of a tiger there is in me," he told her warningly, stretching out his claws and embracing her in her kneeling position, leaning against the bed.

"I believe I'm ten times the tiger you are," Jo adjusted her hair and make-up from laughing too hard. Alex smirked.

"Like you wouldn't believe," he said, Jo rolling her eyes. They both laughed, enjoying the light moment. Jo's hand found its way back around his neck, playing with his neck hair while she had placed her left hand on top of his muscular upper arm, their faces still inches apart. They looked at each other deeply, genuinely content with their situation. After a while they could make out soft noises from downstairs, bringing them back into reality.

"Go, get yourself decent, tiger," Jo whispered at him, running her hand through his hair. "I don't wanna scare our nanny away," she added, chuckling lightly. He grabbed her waist that he had been stroking softly for a while tightly and pulled her close to share a sweet kiss. Jo closed her eyes and got lost in the sensation of kissing Alex. It had been a month since she had woken up. 30 days that she had had the time to process that she was actually, truly, genuinely in love with Alex – her best friend Alex. It had been such a long time already. And she still couldn't believe it. She woke up in his arms every morning, and never wanted for him to let go. They shared so many kisses every day, but she still couldn't get enough. She had wanted to savor the feeling of kissing Alex but she had realized quickly that every kiss was different with them. She had put it in contrast with listening to his voice when he told her stories about what had happened during the last six years. He always narrated the same way, he used the same words, he didn't vary on voices much, but still – every word sounded differently. Sometimes she would hear a word or a sentence he had told her echoing in her mind because she just couldn't get enough of hearing him say them. Like how they _fell in love_. Or how they _had started a family. _It was music to her ears, especially coming from his mouth. So every time Alex kissed her, she just tried to savor every tiny movement, every tiny sensation, she tasted him, she felt him, and then she would dream of it later. When she thought of her thoughts about the matter, she had to laugh about herself. She felt like she was a love-crazed teenager again, experiencing that overwhelming emotion for the first time, not being able to believe that this was actually true and not one of those immensely unreal Disney movies she had seen at diverse foster homes throughout her childhood.

Jo breathed into Alex's mouth, feeling how his tongue was grazing her bottom lip, playing with it, enjoying the sensation of Jo's lips on his. She wouldn't let him in. She couldn't. They weren't going to forget where they were at the moment and who else had just come home, especially in the light of the fact that she knew, once she opened her lips to him, she would only regret it later on for building up too much desire and not gaining anything from it. He smiled against her lips, knowing exactly what she was thinking.

"Ugh, you are too sensible sometimes," he murmured, giving her goose bumps down her spine for feeling his every word on her lips. She smiled back at him, pecking his lips again, not wanting to lose the feel of him just yet. They stayed like this for another while, before gradually pulling back, rubbing their noses against each other softly, breathing in each other's scent, eyes still closed, holding onto each other. After a minute, Alex slowly pulled his arms back and opened his eyes to look at his beautiful wife. "Let's go have dinner tonight, alright? I don't wanna waste time in the kitchen," he told her, getting up lazily. Jo just nodded, still smiling at him, carefully turning around to sit on the floor cross-legged and leaning against the bed frame, watching him get up and strolling over to the bathroom.

"Shame, though, I would have loved watching you cook topless," she called after him, her voice still in a low whisper. He turned around smirking.

"Oh well, a tiger would have maybe given in to your hopes and dreams but a kitty cat… a kitty cat just looks out for itself. Doesn't do anyone favors," he mocked her. Jo laughed before getting up herself and finally leaving the bedroom, walking downstairs to find Lauren and the babies settling in the living room.

"Well, who do we have here?" she exclaimed joyfully, having missed her babies all day. She put out her hands for Madison who was closest to her and watched her scoot over to where her mommy was standing clumsily. Lauren and Jo both laughed at the little girl whose crawling efforts were looking hysterical to the adults. Jo picked up her little girl and cuddled her wildly, making little Miss Karev laugh in a high voice. When she looked over at Ethan, he was looking at her with what looked like an angry face.

"Are you having a poop?" Lauren asked, watching him also. Jo laughed, walking over.

"No," she chuckled. "He's trying to move to a crawling position, see," she pointed it out for Lauren. "The way he's moving his upper body forwards and backwards. He wants to move, too. He's always been a little smaller and needed a tiny bit longer for everything since Madison took up all the space inside mommy, right baby girl? You didn't give your brother much space to stretch his legs," she looked back at her daughter, sending her butterfly kisses. When she looked back down at Ethan his face color had changed to a deep red and he looked mad.

"Oh baby boy," Jo tried to hide a chuckle. She sat down next to him on the floor and put down Maddie who immediately scooted around again. She inched closer to Ethan and helped him shift his weight from his bottom to his arms to make him crawl. He immediately started, only to be stopped by his mom again who lifted him high up and kissed him all over. "Little grumpy boy," she called him, bouncing him in the air. Just like his sister, he laughed hysterically before coming back down into her arms and cuddling close. When they were done saying hello, Jo put the baby down on all his fours again and he started moving, obviously very proud of himself. She smiled at him slightly before turning to look at Lauren.

"How was your day?"

"Oh, it was super nice. We have a really nice park around the corner from my school, so I brought them there and we had some fun with the swings and you know, just fooling around a bit. They were both knocked out afterwards, Ethan taking a 90 minute nap and Madison a 2 hour nap," she informed her boss.

"Seriously? Go Maddie!" Jo cheered happily for her sleep-resistant daughter.

"After that we actually only went to Little Gym for a while, you know, it's getting really cold outside already," Lauren told Jo.

"Oh, did they enjoy it? Last time Alex took them he brought back the most hilarious videos," Jo looked at her excitedly. She nodded.

"Yeah, they were having the time of their lives. It was only a free moving thing, no class, but still… with having all the toys and slides, and whatnot… they are in baby gym heaven," she chuckled. "I took some pictures, actually," she grabbed her phone from her pocket and searched some. When she turned the display over towards Jo, she chuckled and cooed.

"What's all this about?" Alex came into the living room, surprising both of them, and bending down to see what Jo was looking at. He snorted when seeing a little video of the tiny baby replica of himself rolling around on top of the mattresses with a ball that was surely same size as the baby himself.

"Are you going to be a wrestler like your dad?" Alex turned around to look at Ethan smilingly, who had reached out his chubby little arms for his dad excitedly. Alex wriggled his head with wide eyes and open mouth at his son mockingly before picking him up energetically, earning a happy scream from the boy.

"Boys, boys, settle down," Jo scolded good-naturedly, still scrolling through the pictures.

"Have you been thinking dinner options?" he asked her while Ethan was exploring his dad's left eyelid.

"Um, no," Jo said, still engrossed with the gym pictures. "We were thinking of going out to eat," she enlightened Lauren. "Do you wanna come?"

"Ugh," Lauren groaned, clutching her stomach. "Yes! I'm starving," she said, making all of them laugh.

"You know you can serve yourself from our fridge, right?" Jo chuckled.

"Yeah, I know. We've just been out for such a long time and I kinda only packed snacks for the kids," she admitted sheepishly. "And I really didn't wanna snatch their apple slices," she added.

"Any ideas where to go?" Alex asked again, his stomach grumbling as well. Both of them just shrugged, engaging in baby talk. Alex sighed. "Fine, let's do _Bitterroot, _then. I need some meat in my stomach," he decided, looking at his cell to check the time. "If we're quick we can still catch early happy hour," he winked at the girls. "Ugh, sometimes having kids has such perks," he added already turning around to usher them out, making them both laugh.

"You're such a charmer, you know that?" Jo told him off mockingly.

"Well, who the hell goes to have beer or bourbon or whatever at 5 o'clock in the afternoon other than people with kids?"

Jo laughed, as she got up and started dressing Maddie for going out again. They packed everything and everyone up before dressing themselves and walking out the door.

"It's funny, we still go there," Jo remarked towards Alex while walking towards the car, Lauren following them quietly. "Didn't we have our spareribs-challenge there?" Alex turned his face around, looking at her chuckling.

"Right, I totally forgot about that," he said, shaking his head in amusement. "Ugh, you were _the_ best friend a guy could have," he fantasized happily, sighing deeply, before putting Ethan into his car seat. Jo just laughed, doing the same with Madison, Lauren squeezing in between the kids. She chuckled when Jo looked at her.

"I feel like I'm the third kid of the party," she said, a little sheepishly, squished in between the car seats, making them laugh.

"You kinda look it, to be honest," Jo snorted, climbing into the passenger seat.

"I'm way too young to have a kid that grown up," Alex reminded them, mockingly smoothing out his wrinkles while looking at his reflection in the rearview mirror. Jo chuckled.

"You're not, I am," she told him teasingly, him narrowing his eyes at her.

"I'm not _that_ old," he told her, pointedly. Jo felt completely relaxed as she smiled brightly at her husband. She hadn't been laughing and enjoying a day as much as she had that day, everything was perfect. She grabbed for his hand that was resting on the console between them intertwining their fingers and gave him a loving look. They drove up north towards their destination while the kids babbled away in the back seats. When they arrived at the restaurant, they all sat themselves and scooted two high chairs around for the kiddos. The mood was easy-going while all of them craved for some dinner and beer.

"So, you guys were friends before you started going out?" Lauren voiced while she was steering down at her salad once their food had arrived, seemingly embarrassed. Alex looked over at Jo with a weird face making her laugh.

"Yeah, we were," she replied, interested where this was coming from. "Why are you asking?"

"Um… just because you said something in the car before… about being friends," Lauren answered, trying to not seem too creepy and intrusive. Jo nodded at her with wide eyes and a smile, not quite believing what she was saying. Alex had turned back over towards Ethan spooning little bits of meat for him.

"Anything to do with your new boyfriend?" Jo wriggled her eyebrows at the nanny. She could see Alex rolling his eyes at her about initiating girl talk. Lauren's face looked flustered.

"Um… no, I mean… no, we're not that new," she stammered out, looking up at Jo in embarrassment.

"Well… you started dating him a few weeks before you started working for us – I remember you girls talking about it once," Alex chimed in, making the girls both look up in surprise.

"That's not been a super long time, though," Jo remarked, when she had recovered from Alex actually remembering something like that. "Were you friends before you started dating?"

"No," Lauren shook her head. "I met him like 2 weeks after I moved here. I didn't have any friends in Seattle before that," she explained again. Jo nodded, remembering how Lauren had told her part of that story before.

"So, you look… kind of insecure about something… I mean, don't get me wrong, I really get it if you don't wanna tell me, or us for that matter… I just… are you okay? You're usually not the type to ask a lot of questions, at least I think," Jo stated, feeding some of her mashed potatoes to Maddie.

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It wasn't my place to do so," Lauren apologized, blushing even more.

"It's fine, Lauren, really, it's not like we're hiding something," Jo chuckled again.

"Okay," the nanny just said, all of them succumbing to silence for a bit. "You know, I was just wondering about how… how some relationships work out better than others… or you know… I don't know… just… considering some people's history… I always hear – from my friends at least – that being friends beforehand makes a relationship that much stronger," she rambled on, meeting astonished faces. There was a short break before Jo tried to voice her thoughts.

"You know, you can't really say that. And more than that, you can't control it. You can't fall in love with someone you've been friends with, just because people tell you it makes a relationship stronger. It just happens. It wasn't like Alex and I were friends forever. I only met him a couple of months before we started hanging out. And I should say that he was my superior at that time – which, people might say, is the worst premise for going into a relationship. So, we were best buddies for like… say 6 or 8 or whatever months… and then apparently it sparked, I can't remember," Jo laughed, looking over at Alex who was actively trying to busy himself with feeding both babies to not have to be involved in the conversation. Lauren chewed on this for a while.

"So… alright can I just ask something that is really personal and I promise I will never ask something like this again but I really… I just need an opinion…," Lauren started out. Alex looked over at her with raised eyebrows, while Jo just shrugged her shoulders.

"Try us," Jo said, curiously anticipating what was coming next. Lauren took a deep breath, seemingly uncomfortable about really wanting to talk to someone who had been there before but really not wanting to talk to her bosses about something like that. Even though when she thought about it, it wasn't all that bad. Her bosses had never treated her like she was their employee. They were nice and courteous and helpful and so grateful for everything she did for them. It really was more a friendship than a work relationship between all of them. But she still felt awkward. But she had to get over with it. She needed some answers. Even if those answers didn't ease her situation.

"When you say you were friends… no matter for how long," Lauren started, Alex also looking up at the younger woman in curiosity now. "Was that a real friendship? Like… I mean… were you guys…," she tried to express herself, both Jo and Alex looking at her confusedly or rather trying to make out if she was saying what they both thought she was saying. When she saw their faces, her eyes grew wide. "No, no, no, oh dear God, no, I was not asking about that…," Lauren spat out immediately, Jo and Alex laughing merrily. "No, I was trying to ask if while you were 'friends'… if you actually already knew about your feelings towards each other… and if you kind of… used your friendship as an alibi… or was it a 'real' friendship?"

Jo bit the inside of her bottom lip, looking over at Alex pondering. The way Jo looked at Alex, he knew she was being self-conscious. He sighed, trying to think back and decide. Lauren had brought up an interesting theory – being friends as an alibi. He hadn't ever thought about it like that. To him this sounded like someone having feelings for someone else and starting a friendship because of it. _And that's not what Jo and him did. Right_? They both stayed in silence for a while until Lauren's low voice interrupted their thoughts.

"So, I guess that was too personal?"

They both chuckled. "No, no, it's fine. I think we're both just trying to figure it out," Jo laughed, Alex nodding.

"You've never talked about that before?"

"Millions of times, trust me," Alex chimed in, annoyance lacing his voice. The girls laughed.

"It's not that easy to say. Feelings aren't always clear and they don't always introduce themselves properly, if you know what I mean. With Alex and I… we just went from one thing to the next, really. He was my boss and we didn't like each other much because well… we are both hot-headed and stubborn and _very _opinionated," Jo laughed, making Lauren smile. "But then at some point we got together and realized we were way more alike than we had thought before. We started hanging out – a lot… it was just, really fun. In the beginning… no, I don't think we were using it as an alibi, what do you think?" she turned around to look at Alex.

"Why do I have to say something?"

"Because you are my husband and I said so," Jo ordered, mockingly stern.

"Ugh," he groaned. "You were an annoying intern and you always brought beer when we hung out, so yeah, I liked you a lot," he mocked her back, making her screw up her nose and narrow her eyes at him. "No, I don't think I had feelings for you from the beginning. I didn't know you at all. I had just met you. You were fun and all but that was it. It changed though, when we hung out more, like every day, and we got to know each other," he made an effort and described their friendship for Lauren.

"So, how did you know when it had changed to… romantic feelings instead of friendship?"

"Oh, that one's easy," Alex replied, trying to clean Ethan's face with a moist paper towel. He looked over at Jo, detecting a tiny blush. "She started going out with someone else," he pointed over at Jo with his head. "And I was crazy jealous," he conceded. "But I didn't realize that from the very beginning. But all in all, yeah, that's how I realized."

Lauren nodded at him, turning over towards Jo. "So, you were dating someone else, huh?" After having asked so many questions and having gained so many insights, Lauren didn't feel all too awkward anymore and just got lost in a world of confusing thoughts about relationships and friendships and romance. Jo had no idea where all that was coming from but one thing she did know, Lauren was trying to align their story to make it fit with her life. She just didn't quite know what was going on with her. Jo nodded at her question, skewering the last bits of meat on her fork and chewing on it.

"So, did you think about Alex at all while dating someone else?"

Jo smiled at her slightly. "Of course. He was my best friend," she told her, trying to slip away. Alex smiled at her knowingly.

"No, I mean, did you already realize you were actually in love with Alex?"

"Hm. I don't know. It's complicated. It really was. I think I would have realized if I would have let myself realize. I do think that I started having feelings for Alex way back. Maybe even before you did," she turned around towards Alex. "I just… well, I don't know. It's not that easy, Lauren. It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell if you are attracted to someone, or you are in love with someone, or you trust someone, or you find someone extremely funny, or all of it or none of it. It's hard to distinguish. But every person is different. It worked out for us, it seems," Jo smiled over at Alex who had decided to not say another word to this. "But it might not work out for other couples," she said, trying to emphasize that. "Not everyone's the same," she repeated for an insecure looking Lauren, who sighed. They all sat in silence for another bit, busying themselves with finishing their meals and cleaning up the twins.

"Well, thanks anyways," Lauren concluded after a while. "I know this is weird. I just… I really appreciate you trying to answer my questions even though it might not be what you guys would usually give away to your nanny," she smiled sheepishly.

"It's fine, Lauren," Jo said, while Alex got up and picked up Ethan, excusing himself to go change his diaper. When he was out of sight, Jo turned back to the nanny. "I don't know what's going on with you at the moment, Lauren. But, please, don't take us as an example for how you should live your life. I mean, Alex and I had to overcome a whole lot as well. It's not like everything was perfect from the start. I can't really talk about it much, since I only remember our friendship and going out with my ex at that time and whatever Alex has told me by now about our relationship. But I promise you this, if you're uncertain about your relationship or about a friendship… if you want to find out about something, you have to work on it. Because it's not going to work itself out on its own. When I met Alex, I was far from settling. I was young and I was just out of med school and when I came here to Seattle, I knew no one. Not unlike you. When I met him, I hated his guts. I really did. He can be such an asshole if he wants to. Our friendship really was more an accident than anything else. I mean, I'm glad it was, I'm glad it happened. I wouldn't wanna have it any other way now. Because, as we have established by now, for us everything worked out perfectly in the end. But it could have gone a completely different direction as well. I'm not sure if we would have ever gotten together if I hadn't dated my ex making Alex realize he was insanely jealous and making me realize that being in a relationship with Jason didn't fulfill me…. all that much. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't the relationship that was bad. Of course I liked my ex. I wouldn't have dated him if I hadn't. But I just didn't like him as much as I liked Alex. But again, Lauren, this could have gone a completely different direction also. Sometimes you are attracted by other people and that doesn't mean your feelings for the person you are in a relationship with aren't true. Don't worry about that. I mean, if you feel like your relationship isn't at all what you want, then maybe you're better off without it. I'm just saying… whatever situation it is, that you are having troubles with… don't just replicate another couple's history or listen to your friends opinions exclusively. You gotta listen to what your feelings tell you. And it's one of the scariest things there are… because you'll never know until you try," Jo finished her thoughts for Lauren, who was looking at Jo anxiously. They both sighed.

"Thanks, Jo, really. You are so sweet for investing yourself so much in this even though I haven't even told you what it is about. But you are very perceptive and I appreciate you trying to give me perspective. I really do. It's just so hard," she said, making the other woman chuckle.

"Yeah it is," she agreed. "But if you choose right, it'll be one of the best decisions you're ever going to make in your life," she said. Lauren looked at her pondering.

"You guys really are happy, huh? I mean I don't think I have met a lot of couples like you. I remember when I first met you, I had the impression that you guys never see each other. You know, with both being surgeons and having new-born twins and I remember the first few weeks of me working for you, Alex had an awful lot of travelling to do," she recalled. Jo nodded, listening to what Lauren told her, not knowing anything about it. "I mean, when I watched you – which is a given once you do a job that's within a family setting – I didn't get the feeling that you guys were unhappy, not at all. You were so much fun and you treated each other… well, like every couple should probably," she interrupted herself, laughing. "But with all of what was going on, I was thinking, you are probably just one of all those married couples that I have met during my 'career' as a nanny… having kids together but not showing much interest for the other one anymore… And I was completely taken aback when I realized just how much you were still invested with each other," Lauren narrated.

"Well, you really must have seen the worst of the worst," Jo pointed out. "If I didn't wanna be with Alex, I probably would have filed for divorce already," she said, startling when Alex came back to the table.

"You're filing for divorce?" he asked her indifferently. Jo smiled.

"Yeah, you wish," she winked at him. "I am going to annoy you until we're old and weird and giving our great-grandchildren advice about who to date and who to hate," she said, leaning back into her chair. Alex chuckled.

"Can't wait," he whispered lowly, rolling his eyes at his mind's picture of annoying grandma Jo.

They all finished and after Alex had taken care of the check, they drove home, dropping Lauren off on their way. When Jo sat in front of the bathtub, watching Ethan and Madison splash around and screaming hysterically, she looked back at Alex who had settled himself on the closed toilet seat.

"That was interesting," Jo remarked, smiling at him. He snorted.

"I felt like a Seattle spin-off of Dr. Phil's relationship advice," he came back slowly. Jo chuckled.

"She seemed pretty upset about something," she mentioned, looking at him, ponderingly.

"Well, life's a bitch," he just declared, trying to finish the topic. "You didn't have to tell her about our whole life, though," he added, rolling his eyes. She shook her head at him.

"I don't think she was particularly interested in our love life. I think no matter what we said, she only tried to apply it to her own situation, whatever that might be. She listened, yes, but I don't think she asked because she wanted to know about us but – as she said – about what she was supposed to do," Jo mused.

"Well, did she even tell what she was having problems with?"

"No," Jo shook her head, getting on her knees to start shampooing the kids. "I didn't wanna push it. She seemed a little off. If she needs someone to talk to, she'll probably know where to ring," she said, shrugging.

"Like we don't have enough problems of our own," he snarked, getting the towels out.

"Oh, don't be such a jerk. She's such a sweet girl. She's never been anything but kind towards us. Let's just try to help her as much as we can, alright?"

"Yes, mom," Alex said, dismissively, making Jo roll her eyes. When she had showered Maddie down, she picked her up from the bath and handed her over to Alex who was holding out a fresh towel. Jo held him there for a moment and pecked his lips, surprising him.

"And anyways, let's just be happy about the fact that she actually thinks we are a great role model for relationships and she was willing to step out of her comfort zone in trying to ask _us _for our opinion," she smiled at him, immediately turning back to Ethan, getting him out of the little tub and dabbing him dry.

"Maybe she just doesn't know any other couples that have been together for a while longer than she has been with her guy," Alex pointed out.

"Or maybe, just maybe, there's one thing in our life that we can be unbelievably proud of!" Jo shot back, smiling at him.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, pulling her closer. "Just let me hear again how great of a catch I am, I really enjoyed that," he chuckled, leaning in and kissing her gently, for everything was okay with their world as long as they were all together.


	29. Chapter 29

Weeks later, Jo was sitting on the couch, her hands clutching an ice cold beer while she was watching reruns of _Dexter _when her phone started vibrating on the coffee table. She sighed before pulling herself up from the lazy position she was in and grabbing for her phone. She looked down at the smiling blonde in the caller's picture in surprise.

"Hey there," Jo greeted Meredith. "What's up?"

"Jo, hey. I'm sorry to call you this late," Meredith greeted her back.

"It's fine. I wasn't sleeping," she countered.

"Oh, good," Mer replied.

"Have you finished the board meeting yet?" Jo asked interestedly, trying to find out if Alex was going to come home anytime soon.

"Yeah, yeah, we have. Alex hasn't gotten home?"

"No, actually, he's still out," Jo pondered, disappointment lacing her voice.

"He left right away, though, he should be there in a minute or two," Meredith informed her.

"Good," Jo gladdened. "So, what's up?"

"Um… well, so, Thanksgiving is coming up… and we were wondering what your plans were for the holidays?"

Jo searched for the remote to turn down the volume before answering, hesitantly. "I have no idea, actually, I mean I haven't given it any thought," she said earnestly.

"Yeah, I thought so," Meredith replied. "The thing is, the last few years you have insisted on having Thanksgiving at your house – much to Alex's dislike I might add – and I was wondering if you had planned on inviting again or if it would be okay for you to do it at our house instead this year," Meredith asked shyly. "I mean, it's totally fine if you wanna keep doing it over at your place I just thought it might be a little uncomfortable for you with all that's going on and well…. Since you don't cook anyways and people have to cook at your house annually, I thought we might as well transfer it to our house this year," Meredith chuckled. Meanwhile, Jo had raised her eyebrows in amusement.

"I make you guys cook Thanksgiving dinner at our house?" she snickered. Meredith joined in. "Why?"

"Well, you've kinda been celebrating the fact that you have a 'family' now… I mean, even before the kids were born, so… you insisted on doing something family-like at your house now and again. So, since Derek and I always get Christmas – due to the fact that it's Derek's most favorite holiday out of the year – you put your hands on Thanksgiving. And made other people cook for you," she laughed.

"That sounds really embarrassing," Jo said sheepishly, still grinning.

"No, we always had a blast. Alex hates you for it, though, I mean we all know he knows how to cook he just doesn't like to do it for… a whole party of people," Meredith enclosed. Jo laughed thinking about it. "And he told me to ask your permission since he'd gladly give it away at least for this year with all that's going on anyways but he wasn't going to have you being furious with him for handing the party off to us…"

"No," Jo replied laughing, looking at the door which had just opened and closed. "It's fine, I wouldn't be able to handle it anyways. It's only four more days, right?" She smiled at Alex who had just walked in but he didn't reciprocate much and went straight upstairs without showing much interest in her phone conversation.

"Good," Meredith concluded. "Well, then I'll await you on Thursday at 5 p.m. sharp if that's okay with you," the older one dictated.

"No, that sounds great. Thanks for having us, anyways," Jo said gratefully.

"Of course. We are family, remember?" Meredith replied good-naturedly.

"So, what was the board meeting about?" Jo changed the topic to what she actually had been keen on hearing. Alex avoiding her when coming home sure wasn't a great sign of a successful day.

"You mostly, to be honest," Meredith coughed up.

"What? Why? Is that supposed to scare me?" Jo asked a little insecurely but still joking.

"Nah. We just talked about your comeback, oh, and by the way, Elliott…," Meredith started, but Jo interrupted her quickly when the doorbell rang and she sighed heavily.

"I should really put up a sign saying no-ringing-after-bedtime," Jo groaned. "Sorry, Meredith, can I call you back?" She got up from the couch and walked over to the front door swiftly, to keep the unannounced visitors from ringing the bell again.

"Yeah, sure, and anyways, Alex can fill you in about the rest of it," Meredith told her understandingly, while Jo was switching on the porch light to see who was their late guest. "Alright, I'll talk to you later, okay?" Jo said, frowning for not knowing the person that was standing on the other side of the glass door and hanging up the phone.

She quickly tucked her phone away and opened the door.

"Dr. Wilson," the blonde woman on her front porch exclaimed in what Jo could only define as – what was it? – embarrassment? Or…nervousness? Jo smiled politely.

"Can I help you?" she asked, a little insecure about who the lady was and what the hell she was doing at their house this late.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I heard about your accident, I just…," the strange woman rambled, Jo still looking at her in confusion. "Alright, let me start over, I'm rambling," she chuckled helplessly. The woman stuck out her hand towards Jo.

"My name's Dr. Lucy Fields, I work with your husband on the Malawi project," the blonde woman informed her, Jo shaking her hand politely, nodding questioningly. "I'm so sorry to interrupt your evening at such an hour but I just flew in from Africa and I missed Alex at the hospital by a moment, I saw him pull out of the parking lot when my taxi drove me there, so I just made the driver follow him. He wouldn't pick up, so I'm sorry if this is really surprising to you," Dr. Fields explained hastily. Jo scrutinized her.

"Well, now that you are here, why don't you come on in?" Jo decided, holding the door for the guest. The woman smiled at her thankfully and took a few steps before standing in the hallway, hovering, looking around for Alex.

"Alex is taking a shower at the moment," Jo informed the newcomer, having heard the running water when she was still talking on the phone. She ushered Dr. Fields into the living room and made her sit down. "Do you want a drink while you're waiting?"

"No, really, that's okay, I just need to talk something over with Alex that really can't wait. When I got off the plane I got in the latest numbers and as I said, I tried calling him but he wouldn't pick up and those numbers really can't be ignored until the morning," Dr. Fields explained.

"He won't be long," Jo told her, a little uncomfortable about the fidgety guest. There was an awkward pause in conversation when both of them were grasping for something to talk about. Jo was having a hard time since she had never met the doctor before – at least in her time reckoning – and the other woman seemed to be so uncomfortable with Jo, she didn't feel at all like with all the other people she had met since the accident who acted all warm and friendly towards her.

"So, where are you from in Africa?" Jo asked after a little while, trying to small talk.

"Oh, I'm not from Africa. I'm from here, actually," Lucy said, sheepishly. "I actually did my maternal-female medicine residency at Seattle Grace before I went to work in Malawi," she informed her further. "I'm an OB/GYN."

Jo nodded appreciatively, interested in her story. "So you guys knew each other from Seattle? I never met you in my intern year, though, right?" Jo asked, a little confused, startling when Alex walked in behind her.

"That's because she walked off and took my job at Namboze clinic in Malawi before you were even in med school," he replied in a snarky voice, substituting for Lucy who was rolling her eyes at him. "What are you doing here?"

"It's good to see you, too, Alex," Lucy replied, getting up and walking a couple of steps towards him. He just looked at her with angry eyes without saying anything else. Jo watched the scene confusedly.

"If you had picked up your phone at least once the last 62 times I called you, I wouldn't have had to chase you down to your house in the middle of the night," she pointed out exasperatedly.

"What the hell is it that can't wait until our meeting tomorrow freaking morning?" Alex just spit out. He looked exhausted. And annoyed.

"I got last week's progress report when I got off the plane and you should really look it over," Lucy stated convincingly. Alex sighed, frowning. After a second of pondering, he glanced at Jo who just watched their exchange and then looked back at Lucy.

"Alright, but let's make it quick, I'm tired. Let's go in the kitchen," he ordered, already walking towards it. Lucy gave Jo one more apologetic smile before following him. Jo was puzzled. What a weird exchange. She tried to make out what the soft talking was about but couldn't get the gist of it. She sat back down on the couch, watching some more TV. An hour later, it was already 10.34 p.m., she decided to go see if they had made any progress. She strolled over to the kitchen lazily and entered cautiously.

Alex was poring over a file, the fellow doctor had surely given to him, while said one was talking frantically and seemingly trying to convince Alex of something. They both looked up when Jo came in, and Lucy smiled at her apprehensively.

"Dr. Wilson, I'm so, so sorry about still bugging you at this time of night," Lucy started again, glancing at her sheepishly. Jo waved her comment away and smiled, walking closer.

"Don't fret, I'm in the same business as you probably know, I know how it works. Some things just can't wait. But please stop calling me Dr. Wilson, it sounds stupid under my own roof," Jo chuckled, looking at Lucy amicably. The other one blushed slightly and nodded.

"Has Alex still not gotten you anything to drink? Can I get something for you?" Jo asked her, walking over towards the fridge.

"She's about to leave anyways," Alex chimed up, his eyes still scrutinizing the papers in his hands. Lucy and Jo both hiked their eyebrows. "There isn't anything we can do about it, right now, Luc… I mean I'm not going back into work tonight and Nkumbwa is fast asleep right now as well. We'll discuss it tomorrow morning at the meeting…," he looked up at her, quizzically. "Or is there anything you thought of that we could do right now?"

Lucy sighed deeply. "I thought with all your spiritedness you would think of something. But no, I'm pretty much done with ideas, too. I mean, we can't take up another close to 100 patients. As long as the Malawian government isn't supporting this, there's no chance we will collect any more money. And we have hit our limits with the pro bono cases," she trailed off.

Jo listened to them pondering, walking closer to stand next to Alex, and putting her hand on his shoulder. "What's the problem?" she asked, carefully, having been watching Alex's mood intently and knowing he wasn't about to fill her in gladly. He sighed, ignoring her. Lucy looked over at Jo's face, ruminating.

"We've been having problems with the Malawian government. The whole initiative was actually negotiated via the U.S. consulate in Malawi and we only ever talked to the ambassadors. It's stupid complicated. They elected a new president in 2019 and he is a conservative, pretty prejudiced about Western countries like the U.S. We've been trying to deal with him, Dr. Nkumbwa and our Malawian attorney have been doing major communication but he's still… he's trouble. With his election campaign he has been trying to redefine health care services in his country, which is awesome but he sees us as the enemy whereas we're just trying to treat the health issues at hand. I don't know how much you know about Malawian health issues but there's a lot of serious diseases plaguing the country and it doesn't help if the president keeps telling us to shut our premises. The infant mortality rates are rising and so are the HIV and malaria rates. It's not easy to get accepted into Malawian health care, so our project is a huge relief for a lot of people… it really is a lot of messy politics we have run ourselves into… and you don't wanna be involved with another country's politics… but you must know about that one pretty well with your efforts in Syria – congratulations by the way for being published in the_ International Journal of Surgery," _Lucy explained, ending her speech with the compliment. Jo smiled at her appreciatively.

"It really does sound like there's nothing you can do much at this hour," Jo responded sympathetically, squeezing Alex's shoulder who hadn't said a word since his suggestion for Lucy to leave. She rubbed his back softly, trying to catch his eyes.

"Don't worry, you'll find a way, you always do, right?" she looked at him with a small smile, seeing the worry in his eyes. He sighed again, leaning back against the backrest. Lucy gave her a small smile before gathering her things. She was just about to get up, when Alex finally voiced his thoughts.

"Did you read the protocol of their last talk?" Alex asked her straightly, Lucy seemingly knowing what or who he was talking about. She nodded. He brought up his hands and rubbed his face exhaustedly.

"It's bad, I know," Lucy agreed with his movements. "That's why they sent me here to make us think of something together," she said.

"How long have they been cooking this up?" he asked her, putting his arms down on the kitchen island.

"About two or three weeks I think," she replied, trying to think of a certain date. "They met on the 5th of November. Yeah, that sounds right. Like, literally a day after you went off on your leave," she continued, weirdly, chuckling. "Haven't I told you before that this whole project doesn't work without you? Every time you take a leave or a vacation or even a day off, things spiral out of control," Lucy laughed, Alex still looking at her stoically. Jo smiled and looked over at her husband's face. He was exhausted, she could tell.

"I actually don't think it makes it any better to tell him that, he will conclude to the fact that this is all his fault," Jo whispered jokingly, knowing that's exactly what he was thinking, trying to defuse the situation. She leaned onto his side, kissing his cheek. "But you will do that, anyways, right?"

Alex looked up at Jo's face, studying it, not showing a reaction.

"Alright, guys, sorry again for barging in like that," Lucy said, getting up from her chair. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, Alex," she continued, walking towards the door. He nodded, still not having said or shown anything on his face. Jo smiled at the doctor and accompanied her towards the front door.

"It's really good to see you up," Lucy turned around to say her good-byes. "I was so sorry to hear about your accident," she said. "I mean we don't really socialize much, you know. Still, I saw how Alex suffered with you being hurt and all," she said, earnestly, smiling a little embarrassed. Jo mirrored her face.

"Thank you, Lucy," she countered, opening the door. "But it's going to be okay. He'll be fine and he'll be taking care of whatever you guys need taken care of, I'm sure of it. It's been a really hard time but we're moving forwards," she concluded, bidding the other woman good night and closing the door behind her, taking a deep breath. When she turned around, Alex was walking towards her, or rather towards the living room, since when she started to approach him, he turned away. Jo was sad to see Alex that exhausted and turned towards the living room to join Alex on the couch. He had turned the TV back on and took a sip of the beer Jo had left there a while before. She sat down next do him and pulled her legs up, leaning against Alex's broad frame. She gave him a few minutes before trying to make some light conversation.

"How was your day?"

Alex just grunted, his eyes fixed on the screen. She smiled at him lazily before putting her hand on his chest and starting to play with his collar.

"I hear a board meeting was held in my honor," she whispered, good-naturedly. Alex glanced at her swiftly, before taking another sip.

"Who are you talking to now?"

"Meredith called me earlier about Thanksgiving and she mentioned something," Jo explained. He nodded slowly, turning his eyes back to Dexter Morgan who had just injected someone with some kind of tranquilizer on screen. "So, what was it about?" Alex took his time before sighing again.

"Can we just… not talk about it right now, I need to rest my brain cells," he replied in an exhausted voice.

"Okay," Jo looked over at him in concern. "Are you alright, though? You seem pretty knocked out," she observed his profile, still running her fingers down his torso.

"I am," he just nodded, not taking his eyes off the serial killer. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes but Jo really couldn't help herself.

"You sure you don't wanna talk about it? It might help to get it out," she suggested, not ready to let it slide.

"Jo, I'm tired, please, just give me some quiet," he told her a little too defensively, making her look up at him in astonishment.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bug you, I'm just being considerate of your state of mind," she told him, intentionally making herself sound like a know-it-all. He looked over at her quickly, pretty annoyed. She grinned at him, before chuckling. "Oh, come on," she nudged him, trying to lighten the mood.

"Please, Jo, just go to bed, I need some peace," he told her unceremoniously, making her wince for not expecting his mood to be that bad. She thought going a little over the top would make him laugh with her. Wrong.

"Did you actually just order me to go to bed?"

"I didn't order," he pointed out weakly.

"Yeah, you did," she countered crossly. "I'm trying to practice some empathy over here, if you believe it or not," she sounded offended.

"Well, don't," he suggested, sounding pretty rude by now.

"You know, I wouldn't talk to me like that, I'm pretty much the only one who puts up with you when you're being a grumpy like right now," she adjusted him teasingly.

"I didn't ask you to. Just, go, please," he told her again, still not seeming to be interested in their talk at all. Slowly, but surely, Jo felt how his rejection hurt her insides and she pulled back a little.

"Are you mad about something? Did I do or say something?"

"Yes, you are annoying me right this moment," he countered aggressively. Jo looked at him in wonder and gulped. _It wasn't the exhaustion that made him lash out, right? Something was up, right? He had been awfully quiet today. not even texting much. Something must have happened at work. _

"What was that board meeting about, Alex?"

"I told you to please leave me alone for the night," he said again, impassively.

"Alex, look at me, I think I have the right to know what you guys talked about if I was the obvious topic. And you reacting all aggressive only makes my point stronger," she argued.

"I'll tell you tomorrow, it's nothing big, I just really don't wanna talk about it right now," he said, looking at her with angry eyes. They sat in silence, Jo snuggling deeper into his side, trying to figure out what was going on. She hated miserable Alex. It made her miserable, too.

"Do you wanna talk about what Dr. Fields informed you about?"

"No," he said, exasperatedly.

"You know, you can't fix everything and everyone at once. Just because you were on leave trying to fix me, doesn't mean it's your fault that things got complicated at your clinic in Malawi. And also, especially with politics, this is so not your fault…," she told him matter-of-factly.

"I know that," he just said. "But I didn't ask your opinion on it, thank you very much."

"Ouch," Jo stated, making him look at her.

"I told you, I'm gonna take care of it. _Tomorrow. _Now, please, just mind your own business."

"Okay, so do you wanna tell me why your colleague acted super awkward around me?" Jo asked him in a sharp voice, technically having decided a couple of hours ago she was going to let that one go but now that they were half-fighting, she couldn't resist. Alex closed his eyes, sighing, and shook his head.

"You are giving me a headache," he pointed out.

"Can you _please_ just tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, Jo. I just had a really hard day at work and I just really wanna drink my beer and watch some mindless TV," he hissed at her.

"_My _beer," Jo replied quietly, for a lack of a better response. She startled when Alex groaned loudly and got up in one swift move, placing the beer bottle back on the coffee table noisily and walking towards the front door.

"You know what, I'm gonna go out and have my _own _beer, then, if you can't seem to be able to shut up for a minute," he yelled at her in a mean tone. Jo was so surprised about the reaction, she was paralyzed for a second, not knowing what to say.

"What the hell, Alex? _Stay_, come on," she said, quickly rushing after him once she unfroze. He had just put on his jacket and opened the front door. "Alex," she said again, trying to get a hold of his hand but he shook her off immediately. He turned around to stare at her eyes madly.

"No," he spit out furiously. "I told you: I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna recount my day, I don't wanna discuss my problems with you, I don't wanna freaking tell you fairy tales about our lives together, I DON'T WANT TO RIGHT NOW," he yelled at a wide-eyed Jo, whose eyes seemed glazed over with tears.

"Alex, come on, let's talk about it," she tried to calm him, immediately realizing how stupid that suggestion was in light of him not wanting to talk. She closed her eyes, feeling stupidity creep over her.

"NO, Jo, I don't wanna talk about it. Right now, I just want you to leave me the hell alone," he hissed, having realized that he couldn't yell around like that with the babies sleeping upstairs. "I told you two minutes ago, please leave it alone for the night. But since you can't seem to listen or consider the fact that for once I am so sick and tired of talking everything out with you and being all mushy and comforting and trying to ease you back into your life, I am going out. Good night," he turned around, storming off to his car. Jo stood at the open door for another while, not realizing what had just happened. She heard how Alex had started the engine and drove off, probably to some bar, probably to get wasted. She closed her eyes in exhaustion and sighed. _Fuck. Why couldn't she have just shut up?_

After a couple more minutes she closed the door behind her and slid down to the floor, putting her face into her hands. _Oh, Jo, you stupid, stupid girl. He told you he didn't wanna talk. Why couldn't you just have given him some slack? _She sat quietly, trying to make out if the twins had woken from their fighting but concluded that the silence meant they hadn't.

Alex was driving through Seattle's dark streets aggressively. His mood was way down the toilet. He had had a horrible day, starting with a kid patient dying on the table. As if that wasn't enough - because seriously, kids dying still was one of the worst things he wasn't capable of digesting - his day had gone on with a very unsuccessful conference call about the on goings with the Malawian ambassadors and president, Dr. Nkumbwa informing him about Lucy Fields sitting on a plane to come to the states due to the fact that he had been reclining their offers for him to fly out to Malawi since the last thing that he was able to do at the moment was leave his family alone, trying to think of a treatment plan for a little girl that was scheduled to be flown over right after Thanksgiving, two surgeries being postponed because of the flu going around the hospital and the spiking fevers of his patients, an intern on his service that definitely was done learning from Alex's hands being told off how stupid he was and then the contents of the incessant board meeting. Lucy coming to his house with more bad news and Jo being the person she was at the moment were just the tip of the iceberg. He was exhausted. And annoyed. He could feel his insides boiling. And the guilt. He hadn't wanted to yell at Jo. She was the last person he had wanted to offend. She was just trying to help. But she had overstayed her welcome at his side for the night. He had clearly told her he had had enough for the day. But then again, she was probably right; she was the only person putting up with his crap. He killed the engine when he had pulled into the parking lot of the hospital and punched the steering wheel hard, grunting in frustration.

Alex sat in his car for a while, pondering what he was going to do. After deciding that going back home to talk it out with Jo wasn't an option, he got out of the car and walked towards Joe's. He yanked open the door and hissed some ugly words at some giggling interns that had run into him. He threw himself at the bar, motioning for Joe to pour him a drink. He took two hard gulps and let the burning liquor drown his sorrows. He repeated the movement and Joe complied.

"Karev," a low voice from around the corner of the bar greeted him. He turned his face and looked at Hunt. Alex only grunted in recognition and turned back to his drink, sipping at it angrily.

"Everything alright?" the chief of surgery asked, observing Alex closely. Alex nodded into his drink.

"Having a bad night as well?" Hunt kept talking, not getting the drift of Alex actually wanting to wallow by himself. Alex nodded, silence engulfing them for a couple of moments.

"What's wrong with you, then?" Alex grunted dismissively, taking another sip.

"My wife has been intent to find out about my ex-wife," Hunt pointed out, sounding drunk himself. "It was just too good to be true, I guess, her never asking much about my love life before I met her, silently tolerating my need to keep my past in the past," he elaborated his misery. Alex looked at him in disdain, not because of the content of what he was saying but the fact that he was talking at all. He sighed.

"Have you been in touch with Cristina lately, or what?" he asked, grumpily.

"No," Hunt chuckled. "Cristina wouldn't for the life of her talk to me," he said. "She's all about clean slates," he slurred, faking a cheerful voice with the last two words.

"How come your wife asks about her, then?"

"How should I know?" Hunt replied dismissively himself, taking a long gulp from his Whiskey. "She's all… why have you never told me about her… why won't you… I mean it has been a long time… you should be able to talk about it with me," he imitated a woman's voice crudely. Alex raised his eyebrows at his boss.

"Women," he just said, knowing this was nothing like his situation at home but still being cross about not knowing how to fix his mess. "They always wanna talk it out," he said, drinking up. Hunt grunted in agreement and motioned for Joe to refill both of their glasses. They sat in silence for another while, both pondering over their miseries before Hunt got up eventually and lurched towards the entrance. Alex sat by himself for another while, looking at the swirling drink in his glass, watching how the dark liquid danced around and glimmered while he was moving the glass in circles, pondering about what was really bugging him.

_He was exhausted. Their lives couldn't have gone better right before the accident. Well, that was probably it. They always managed to somehow go from perfect to who wants these freaking stupid lives. Karma. _Alex groaned at his own words in his head.

_This was stupid. He was so sick of telling Jo and telling other people and most of all telling himself that they were going to be fine. He knew they were going to be fine, he just really needed a time out. Everything was so messy and annoying. It was exhausting to think for two people all the time. Four, to be honest. It was exhausting to try to not upset his wife with whatever he was saying or telling, it was exhausting to hope for her to get better, it was exhausting to try to make her believe in herself again, make her want to go to work again, make her like her life again. It was exhausting watching her at it. It was exhausting doing all kinds of other stuff while exhausting himself doing all that stuff at home. It was just exhausting. He loved Jo. He loved Jo more than anything else in the entire world, she was his everything. But he was hitting bottom. He couldn't do it anymore. He was sick and tired of telling her about their lives. He just needed her to remember. He was tired of being the loving and supportive husband, who was always sweet and who was trying so hard. _

_It was what made their relationship from the start: It was so easy. It was easy talking to her, it was easy fighting with her, it was easy living with her, it was easy. Loving each other was easy. Making a family was easy. Everything was easy. And now everything was complicated. Everything was exhausting. He couldn't do it anymore. The thing that made his life easy, his job easy, having kids easy, multi-tasking easy was that they had each other. They had each other to lean on, to cry to, to discuss things, to support, they had each other. _

_And as much as she was trying, he needed his old Jo back. He needed his wife back. His Jo, who didn't care when he was in a bad mood. Who grunted back at him when he was being his grumpy self. Who was fighting back when he was being ridiculous. Who told him off for being like that. But then being the one who would always without fail lie in bed next to him and hold him when he needed her, kiss him, sleep with him, be there for him unconditionally throughout everything. Laugh about his stupid jokes. Enjoy their late night talks because sometimes that was all they could get. Holding on tightly to every possible moment together. _

_He needed her to be like that again. He needed her to gain self-confidence, he needed her to thrive again, thrive being who she was. A kick-ass trauma-surgeon, a perfect mom, a considerate friend, a passionate lover, a thoughtful partner, a wonderful wife. He needed her to go back to who she was. He still wasn't sure if there was anything he could do or change in how he was behaving for her to go back to who she was more easily. Maybe she had changed though. Maybe she was a different person now. Well, he _could_ see the person she was before inside of her. He could make her out while they were talking or watching her when she wasn't realizing he did, he could. But she still was… trying too hard to be something she never was. But how should she know, right? Ugh, exhausting. _

_I just wanna go home and touch her. Sleep with her. He missed her body, he missed her touches, he missed her kisses on his naked skin, he missed her soft hands doing stuff that he didn't even wanna think about for not wanting to get excited. He wanted her so much, he was going to explode sooner or later. But at the same time, he still couldn't do it. She wasn't his wife anymore. Not like that. She needed to get better first. But was there a better in their equation? Was she going to get better from now on? Or had they reached their limits? Was it going to be like this for the rest of their lives? He just wanted to know. _

_He was exhausted of hoping she would remember every freaking morning when he either woke up to her looking at him or waiting for her call when she got up in the morning, him being at work. He was tired of changing from hope to settling, settling to what they had now. Settling with the fact that she would never remember how they had fallen in love, how they had slept together for the first time, how painful but at the same time exhilarating their first few weeks of really getting to know each other were. If she never remembered, she was missing out on so many things. She would be missing out on how much they had grown. How much they had worked on their relationship. She would miss out on their way to marriage, on how excited they were for being pregnant, on the first few moments they had had with their kids. _

_No telling stories or recounting the days was going to make up for that. He was grieving for her. His insides were hurting for his wife's loss. And then he was grieving for the fact that he didn't seem to be able to help her. He was too weak. He was too emotional. He needed to find a way to cope with the situation just as Jo seemed to be coping so well. He needed to accept that maybe, just maybe, this was all he was going to get. But it was exhausting him to not know. If he knew there was a chance of Jo getting back to her memories, he would fight. If he knew this was the way it was going to be from now on, he would start making new memories. He felt like he would truly be okay with either. He just needed to know which one it was going to be. He would be okay with having her at his side trying to give her everything she needed for her to be comfortable with their lives. But not knowing made him weak and exhausted and it drove him crazy. It exhausted him that one moment, they were lying in bed and laughing and teasing and she would have her glinting eyes and tell him how corny he was and the next moment she was this insecure, self-conscious, clingy version of her… that he just… it wasn't her. Alex loved Jo's soft side. He did. But that wasn't what she had succumbed to. The side he now got to see a lot was desperate Jo. Desperate Jo for not believing in herself. And he couldn't do it anymore. If she didn't believe in herself anymore, he couldn't make her either._

_Fuck this stupid shit. _


	30. Chapter 30

Alex's thoughts were flying around crazily in his mind, changing abruptly from grief to guilt to exhilaration for Jo's survival to grief again. He was so exhausted. He motioned for Joe to pour him another one.

"Haven't you had enough already?" Joe looked at him in concern.

"Mind your own business," Alex barked at him, still deeply in thought. Joe looked at him sympathetically before shrugging his shoulders at someone behind him. Alex turned around and swiftly gazed at who was standing there. He turned back to his refilled drink and sighed.

"D'Jo send you?"

"No," Meredith replied soberly, taking Hunt's vacated seat, looking at his face.

"What are you doing here, then?"

"I checked on a patient after the meeting which turned into a colostomy and since Derek went straight home to relieve the babysitter from her duties, I thought I might as well grant myself a nightcap," she explained, still watching Alex's profile closely. "And I saw your car in the parking lot. Did you go home at all?" Alex just nodded, staring at his drink. "So, why are you here, then?"

"Oh, mind your own business," he spit out gruffly. Meredith looked at him snidely.

"What did you guys fight about?" she replied serenely.

"I _said_, mind your own business," he repeated, giving her his mad eyes. Meredith looked at him in amusement and grinned.

"You don't really think you can scare me away, do you?"

Alex took a deep breath and steadied himself, not saying anything.

"Anything to do with the board meeting?" Meredith tried to inch closer to the problem. She usually wouldn't push that hard but Alex looked drained. He looked completely besides himself. He looked like he needed a vent.

"No," he just said, taking another sip. _Well, at least he was still replying. _

"Anything to do with the accident?"

"Every-freaking-thing has to do with the accident," Alex barked at her, closing his eyes and putting his face into his hands for a second. Meredith waited patiently for him to break and start talking. He did, after a while.

"I just… I am so sick of babying her through her life," he told her eventually, looking up and emptying his glass again, immediately demanding a refill.

"Well, why are you?"

"I have to," he said, turning to look at Meredith.

"No, you don't," she answered, shaking her head. "You are supposed to help her but you don't have to baby her. She has lost her memory. She isn't sick or invalid or incapable of taking care of herself," she clarified.

"Well, you know what I mean. I'm just so tired of giving her pep-talks about her future and I'm so terribly sick of recounting stories of our past. I can't do it anymore, Mer, I'm exhausted," he said.

"What happened?" Meredith asked again, Alex sighing dramatically.

"Lucy came to visit with us at home tonight," he informed Meredith, looking over at her expectantly.

"Lucy Fields?" Alex nodded, chuckling at Meredith's raised eyebrows.

"So, you are fighting about ex-girlfriends?" Meredith asked in confusion, Alex closing his eyes.

"No," he shook his head. "She doesn't even know that. I mean, anymore. She doesn't know it anymore. It's just… Lucy came by the house, straight from the airport – because I have been dodging her calls since I really needed to call it a night after the meeting – and showed me a horrifying progress report of the clinic in Salima. I have not been on top of my game lately with all that was going on and now things are… slacking. I just… I need some time to figure it out. I _will _figure it out, I just… I can't all do it at once," he told Meredith with emphasis.

"I know that," Meredith told him, reassuringly, not sure if he was asking for her acceptance or just what he was saying.

"I couldn't leave the country, not now, not with everything that is going on at home," he explained vigorously, getting all his problems off his chest slowly. "I know I've not been giving it as much attention as I should have but I just… I couldn't," Alex repeated.

"Alex, stop chastising yourself, it's going to work itself out, I'm sure of it. You're great with these kinds of things; we all understand that you have been taking it slowly. Nobody's judging you for not being on top of everything right now. You shouldn't take it the wrong way that they have sent Lucy out here to help you. She _is _on the board of the Malawian project, mind you, she has a say on things, even if you are the boss. They're just trying to help you. Don't react so evasive," Meredith tried to calm him. Alex sighed again.

"It's just… who the hell goes to someone else's house at 10 in the evening? I mean she knows about Jo's situation. It's complicated. And also, I mean… this feels like… I'm never off, you know," he said, exhaustion repeatedly showing up in his voice.

"Not everybody can think about Jo's well-being all the time, Alex. You are thinking too much about it as well. Jo is fine. Jo is very well. The only thing she needs is your support. You don't need to baby her. I'm sure she had no objections about letting Lucy into the house, right?"

Alex shook his head, ponderingly. "It's just… with bringing work home, there's yet another thing I have to explain to her. And I'm so done with explaining things to her. It's so tiring. And she wouldn't stop asking and I just… I completely snapped. I… ugh, Mer, this is too much, I can't deal with it anymore," he admitted, looking at her with all his guard down. Meredith looked at him compassionately.

"I know you don't see it that way, but Jo is trying to help you with that. And I'm sure with asking you stuff like that she just wants you to open up or at least vent about something even if it's crude or idle. I think she really just wants you to cope as well as her," she tried to bargain with Alex.

"The Jo that I married would have just left me alone," Alex spit out, getting agitated again.

"But would she have? I mean, no offense, I have no idea how your relationship dynamics work but I can't see Jo not bugging you about it until you cough up," Meredith smiled at him gleefully.

"Well, but we would have started an argument, anyways," he countered.

"Yes, but eventually, you would have coughed up," Meredith came back strongly.

"That's the thing, though, she would have fought back. Now she barely does. She just takes my moods as they are and she never says anything mean or makes me knuckle under. She's not herself and I need her, I really _need _her to start being herself again," Alex's voice trembled but he tried to get it under control.

"She's just as insecure as you are. She's afraid you'll leave her, you know that, right? She's afraid that this is going over your head and you will leave her because of something like that. Because it's too much work going back to who you both were with and to each other. Imagine you were in her situation. If you had no idea how you got to the place you find yourself in. Imagine Jo was being all dismissive and mean, would you fight back? Alright, I take it back, you would always fight back," Meredith chuckled. "It's just… Alex, you can't expect her to be one hundred percent the person she grew into because she has not in the least experienced herself that way. When she woke up she thought you guys were friends. Instead you were married and had established a family. I know you try to every day but please, again, imagine how that must feel like. She _is _trying really hard and she's doing a very damn well job at it. You just need to cut her some slack, as well," Meredith concluded.

"Somebody needs to cut me some slack," Alex shot back, not knowing what else to say.

"I've been telling Jo this all the time, too, if you believe it or not," Meredith said, making Alex look at her.

"So, you guys talk a lot?"

"No," Meredith shook her head. "Just a bit. She doesn't have a lot of people, Alex. I know, Edwards is her best friend and from what I hear, they talk frequently. But then again, Edwards doesn't know you all that well. I can't believe she talks to April about you guys. And who else is there? I mean, I do know she has a lot of friends but she has never been the person to chat about her private life with someone else. Especially now, that she can't remember a lot of those friends. So, yes, we have talked a couple of times. I have been trying to reassure her a lot. Try to get her to cut you some slack," Meredith said, bending her head towards Alex and smiling at him playfully.

"I didn't mean to sound cross about it. I'm glad if she finds somebody she can talk to besides me and Stephanie. She clearly needs someone," he stated, trying to clear the air. Meredith nodded. "It's just so hard, Mer, and I just needed a night without her," he explained, guiltily.

"I know, Alex, you don't need to be ashamed of that," she told him. Alex glanced at Meredith with an insecure expression on his face, before looking down at the glass of liquor in his hands. _But he was. He was ashamed of the fact that he had run off. He was ashamed of the fact that he couldn't just stand there and look Jo in the eye and tell her that for once he couldn't find the best solution or the best exit to this. He was ashamed. He needed to find answers for her. He was the one who was supposed to protect her and guide her and… be there for her no matter what. But he wasn't. _He looked up when Meredith quietly excused herself to the bathroom and nodded, still deeply in thought.

Meredith walked towards the back end of the bar to lock herself into the bathroom and got her phone out. She sighed. As much as she loved and supported and believed in Alex, she hadn't been able to get rid of the bad feeling in her stomach that she had been hosting since the very beginning of this mess, since the accident. Of course, the steps they had taken towards recovery, watching Jo being wheeled out of a successful surgery, realizing she had woken up against all odds, seeing how well she was doing with her kids, how approachable she seemed about stuff that had happened during the years, how in need she seemed for Alex to just be Alex, everything had been a relief to Meredith, and she had felt how her stomach had taken the ups and downs into consideration. But then again, she had known Alex for such a long time. And one thing he was unbelievably good at was self-destruction.

She had been scared from the start that not everything was going to turn out fine. But that was one thing. Everything turned out okay in the end. However, Alex didn't. Alex – even though he tried so very hard and she could see how much he was fighting and trying to do the right things and to get over it – Alex was stuck. He was stuck in between hope and guilt and misery and hurt and probably relief and exhilaration as well. He was jumping from one conclusion to the next and all he did was try blaming himself for what was happening. He was going down a very wild current and it was taking them all down. Because even though Jo was absolutely capable of doing her own thing, she wasn't doing it right now. She would never. She would never leave Alex behind if she only noticed one tiny thing holding him back. Never. Same thing the other way around. And they were trying so hard. They were both doing their very best. And Meredith knew that. She wouldn't or couldn't do it any differently. And that's exactly what her painful stomach had been telling her. There wasn't anything anybody could do but wait and see. Their situation was dependent on only one thing and they needed to wait it out.

She had been talking to Derek frequently about the amnesia. He had been patient at first, realizing how invested his wife was with trying to help their friends out. But he had grown tired of her talking about it. There wasn't anything he could do either. As much as it pained him, especially because he had been doing his very best and the surgery was one of the very few unbelievably successful ones since when Jo had come in from the scene he was sure she wasn't going to make it, but he knew that he had done all that was in his power. And he had done it successfully. But he still wasn't able to fix her thoroughly. The brain was fascinating that way. So little was known about it. It made him sad. But also excited. Maybe, just maybe, at some point they could learn more about it. There was so much to learn.

However, all those things that all those surgeons did know about the brain… about its unreliability, it still didn't mean that the people behind those surgeons accepted the reality of it. Because – how could anyone accept the fact that there was no answer to the question at hand. _Would Jo ever regain her memory? _

While Meredith was pondering about all the unappeasable thoughts in her mind and trying to get the stomach pains under control, she had typed in a short message for Jo to let her know Alex was with her at Joe's. She could see the younger woman before her eyes, how she would have been desperately hoping for Alex to come home, desperately trying to make things better. She could see Jo fighting with herself to call someone to sit with the kids while she would drive out and look for her husband. She could see it before her eyes. And even though Meredith still was Alex's friend and didn't mean to walk behind his back, she decided Jo deserved to know what was going on.

Jo had been wandering about the house restlessly. She had been looking down at the screen of her phone repeatedly, awaiting a phone call that she knew she was never going to get, trying to decide if it was an option calling him. It always was. She just wasn't sure he would even pick up his phone. Jo sighed, leaning her forehead against the banister of the stairs. She had been trying to keep the tears in that had been threatening to fall since their argument. She wasn't even sure if she could dub it an argument. He had been in a really bad mood and she had known it. And she had still poked him. _You made your own bed, now lie in it. There really is no excuse for tears right now. _

Jo sighed and picked herself up again to walk circles in the living room. She had just checked her phone again and wanted to put it away, when it vibrated with an incoming message and she gulped, looking down at the screen, not knowing what awaited her. Message from Meredith. She sighed. Not what she had been hoping for.

_M – Alex is at Joe's. I'm here with him. Don't worry, I'm sure everything will be fine, he just needs some distance right now. Go and rest, I can't see him coming home anytime soon. I'll make sure he takes a cab _

Jo sighed again, her chin trembling with the tears she was actively trying to keep in. _Get a grip on yourself. Now you at least know where he's at and that he has somebody to talk to. _Jo was glad that he did have someone to talk to. Even though the thought of that person not being her sickened her. It sickened her to realize that she had managed to drive him away and not be the one person anymore that he trusted more than anything. The person that he talked to. She bit her lip and sat down on the couch, pulling up her feet and put her head back on the rest. It was past midnight and she knew she really shouldn't. Still, the next thing she knew was she was scrolling through her contacts and listening to the signal of her phone trying to connect to Stephanie's.

"Jo, is everything okay?" she could make out a frantic voice on the other end of the line.

"Did I wake you?" Jo asked, a little sheepish for being late with being concerned anyways.

"No, no, we're still up," Stephanie calmed her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Steph, I should have realized that you're spending your night with Jason," Jo apologized, her insides still hurting from all their problems, and her mind buzzing because of all the stupid decisions she had been making that night.

"Jo, it's fine. Tell me what's going on," Stephanie responded sharply. Jo sighed before answering.

"We had an argument. Alex stormed out a couple of hours ago. Mer just texted me that he's at Joe's. I just… I… I needed someone to talk to. I feel so lonely, Steph," Jo summarized their evening, still trying to keep her eyes dry.

"Oh, Jo, I'm sorry. What did you guys fight about?"

"I'm not even sure. I was being a bitch and he was being his usual grumpy self and… it got out of hand and before I knew it he was already out the door…," she said, putting her head into her hands in embarrassment. Saying all those things out loud only made them worse.

"I'm sure he only needs a night to relax a bit. You'll talk tomorrow, once he has sobered up," Stephanie tried to reassure her.

"What if he's not coming back?" Jo asked quietly, voicing what she had been dreading all night long.

"Oh, come on, Jo. It can't have been that bad, right? I mean, you have been together such a long time, he won't walk out on you now. This is ridiculous," Jo's friend told her off sternly. "Stop being so insecure. I know you don't remember, Jo, I don't wanna be mean. But you need to start being more confident about yourself and about Alex. He's your husband. He loves you. He'll come back. You've had worse fights, trust me."

"You don't even know what it was about," Jo pointed out.

"You don't either," Stephanie came back immediately. Jo took a deep breath, not knowing what to say. "You know, Jo, I have never lost my memory, so what I'm going to say is only an assumption," she paused shortly, to check if Jo had any objections. She didn't. "I think that with everything that's going on and everything that's new for you and everything that you have to relearn, you are on sensory overload," Stephanie made her point.

"You don't say," Jo said quietly, actually wanting to sound sarcastic but finding herself too weak to do it.

"What I wanna say is that I think you experience everything a lot stronger, a lot more pronounced and a lot more passionate than it actually is. He probably just said something mean and now you interpreted that he has left you for good, right? He probably commented on something really close to home because he was really mad and you concluded that he must hate you, right? I mean, I don't wanna play down your fight, I really don't. But Jo, you have to relax a bit. You have to calm yourself and think this through. And once he's home and you have both slept a night on it, you'll probably see that you can talk it all out. He's always crawling back to you, you have to know that by now, right?" Stephanie ended her speech with a shaky joke. Jo chuckled humorlessly.

"You really think so?"

"I really do. Jo, if you want me to, I can come over, I'm serious. If you don't feel like being alone or something. It's just. I really do think that this is dragged a little out of proportion…," she added, unsure of Jo's reaction.

"You're probably right. I mean, I have no idea. But it sounds reasonable. It's just… everything is so complicated. Everything's too much. And I've been trying so hard. And I know he has been, too. I'm just… I'm so scared that there will come a time when he decides it's not worth the fight anymore. And if it's not tonight, he'll maybe decide it next week or next month. Because as of right now, I can't say I'm all too optimistic about my memory coming back," Jo voiced her fears.

"Jo, I know this is scary. All about this is scary. But you need to trust Alex. And you need to cut him some slack, also. I mean, you can't jump to the conclusion that he's about to leave you, every time you are having a hard moment. But this has nothing to do with the amnesia, Jo. That's just life. It's a marriage. Don't worry, you'll make it through, we'll all help, alright?"

"We just… last week he told me about a fight we had a few years back… like one of the worst we had… and he talked about how we had managed to start communicating over the years… like you know… tell each other what's wrong…and just… try to not… break over every tiny little hiccup… and everything was going so well. And now I just feel like… I feel like we are back to the start. Like we haven't talked at all. This was only a week ago, Steph," Jo recounted helplessly.

"Jo, you need to realize that just because you guys talk about something doesn't mean it's done with or it's all good now. You know, people talk a lot. And even if you agree in the end or make the other one see something he or she hadn't before… it doesn't mean it's not an issue anymore. I'm sure Alex didn't think 'oh, yeah, but we talked about that last week I shouldn't be storming out right now I need to talk it over with my wife' before he stormed out… but what he was thinking was probably how pissed he was. It's not that easy, Jo, you know that," Stephanie answered in what she felt was true Jo fashion. She still couldn't believe how much Jo needed her. Their friendship dynamics had changed a lot since the accident as well. Jo seriously needed to gain her confidence back.

Jo sighed and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry for keeping you from Jason," she apologized again.

"Stop apologizing."

"Thank you, for always picking up in the middle of the night. And in the middle of your shifts. And generally, always. I know I've been a pain lately," Jo spoke in a whisper.

"Jo, it's okay. You are my best friend. You can call me anytime," Stephanie attested. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going to be fine. As you said, this will probably be over before I even know it. I was just… I was freaking out a bit," Jo confessed.

"I know. And that's what I'm here for. Don't hesitate calling me, I mean it," Jo's friend told her sternly.

"Thanks, Steph. I really wouldn't know what to do without you. I really appreciate it," Jo said, trying to end the conversation. As stupid as she felt fussing about Alex and her, she always felt much better talking to Stephanie. Stephanie had a very unique way of putting her cares in different perspectives and presenting them in a whole new light. She needed that.

"Call me tomorrow with results, alright?" Stephanie chuckled, meaning well. Jo smiled gratefully.

"Good night, Steph. Tell Jason I'm sorry," she told her again, only making the other one roll her eyes at her. Of course she couldn't see that. But she knew she was doing it.

"Good night, Jo. Go to sleep. He'll be there in the morning," Stephanie said, waiting for a response, but Jo had already hung up. _If it were that easy._

Jo put the phone back on the coffee table and rolled herself around on the couch for another couple of hours but couldn't get quite comfortable. Her eyelids were heavy but her thoughts kept her up. She just wanted Alex to come home already. She didn't care how drunk he had gotten or what other mean things he was going to throw at her head. But she needed him home. She watched the mute on goings on the TV screen for another while, when shortly after three she could hear someone tripping up the stairs at the front door and knew it must be Alex.

Her heart skipped a beat for having him come home safely and she wrestled herself out of the blanket and walked over to the front door slowly, trying to get her hair in a decent state, before peeking out the door. Jo could see Alex fumbling around to make his key fit in the lock but he failed. She looked at him sadly with her head falling to her shoulder, before taking the last few steps and opening the door for him. Alex looked up at her in surprise, not having noticed her before.

"Whayadoonup?" he slurred, making Jo raise her eyebrows at him.

"I waited for you," she just stated, closing the door behind her and catching Alex' jacket which he had unceremoniously gotten out of. She followed him up the stairs, almost stumbling over his shoes that he had left in the middle of the hallway. She sighed. _God, he was drunk. _She followed him inside the bedroom where he had fallen right into bed without any more words. She looked at him for a second before cracking the window open and sitting in bed next to him, trying to see if he was already asleep.

"Don't you wanna go get out of your clothes? Or at least brush your teeth? The alcohol on your breath is phenomenal," Jo whispered, putting her hand on the side of his face, playing with his hair. Alex grunted and pushed Jo's hand out of his face. She felt how her insides knotted with hurt. He was rejecting her. Again.

"Leavmelone," he mumbled into his pillow.

"I'm not sure I can sleep with the air in here being that thick," she pointed out, making herself chuckle humorlessly about the double meaning of the sentence.

"Then don't," he told her aggressively, opening his eyes and looking at her angrily. Jo startled invisibly for him, shocked about his reaction and realizing he was still really mad and probably going to hurt her more if she kept on talking. _He wasn't in his right mind, _she reminded herself.

"You know I can't sleep without you," she whispered in a very, very low voice not even explicitly meaning for him to hear it, already getting up to walk towards the bathroom. She turned around when she heard Alex mumble her name and the light squeaking of the mattress when he sat up and waited for Jo to face him.

"Then get the HELL over it," he hissed at her maliciously, giving her one last burning look before turning around towards the window and shutting up for the night. Jo found herself standing there, watching his shape rise and fall with his breaths, silent tears running down her face. She tried to calm herself down. _Don't fret. He's drunk. He'll be all apologetic tomorrow. He just needed a vent. Just think about the least complicated problem at hand. _Jo still watched Alex silently, her insides feeling like they had been trampled over before being inflated again and then shot with a machine gun. _Where, and more importantly, how was she going to sleep that night?_


	31. Chapter 31

Jo felt wrecked. After their pretty rough encounter several hours earlier, she had been trying to decide how to best move forward with what was going on. Eventually, she had decided they had probably needed a night apart from each other for a while now and had moved over to the guest bedroom that she greatly disliked. It was nice and all. The bed was comfortable, the temperature was pleasant, there was no tastable alcohol level in the air, everything was okay. She still couldn't sleep. This time, though, it had nothing to do with Alex not being by her side but everything to do with Alex himself. She tossed around heavily between the sheets, restlessly trying to clear her head. She knew most of what had occurred was her fault. She shouldn't have poked him so tediously. But then again, that's exactly what she wasn't sure of. Had Alex been that mad _because _of her overdoing it or had there been something else that he had been carrying around from that day? _What was it that they had been talking about at the board meeting? What was it that made him so obviously uncomfortable when his colleague came to seek advice about their project? What the hell had happened at the hospital earlier that day? And was he angry with _her _for one reason or the other or was he angry with how she had annoyed him later on? _

In between trying to figure out what was going on, Jo revisited the different parts of their previous day and night and tried to think of possible reasons. He hadn't been all talkative via his phone all day either but she had thought that was because of him being a busy surgeon. Maybe not. Maybe there was already something up with that. _Or maybe she was dragging everything out of proportion again. _Wise words, really, Stephanie. _But how do I know if that's the case?_ Jo had been pondering for hours, trying to recreate the one fight she _could _remember when they were still friends. _How could she draw any conclusions from that fight_? _Well, he had been right, then, right? No, they hadn't fought about Jason being her boyfriend… hmm… but still, she had accused him of something that hadn't even been his intention… but then again, he shouldn't have just told Jason… well, but of course he would have thought that I'd have told him myself… after all we had been about to move in together… so… nothing to detract from that situation to right now, right? Or was there? They had misunderstood each other… they were talking at cross purposes… and then again, they probably were both so angry only because they had been in love already and not wanting to realize that quite yet, right? _

Jo looked at the alarm clock sitting on the pro forma nightstand and sighed. 5.59. She hadn't slept one second. Weirdly, she wasn't tired much, just drained. She needed to talk it out with Alex, preferably sooner than later. Sourness was creeping through her guts. Even though she kept trying to think positively and rationally and knew they were just having a stupid fight, she was so indescribably scared that he was going to leave her or lose interest in her, now that she surely wasn't the exact replica of her former wife Jo alter ego anymore. She needed him so much, not because she needed him for his support or his money or because he was convenient and now that they had already built a life together she could stay with him already. She needed him because she was so unbelievably in love with him and it had only been… forty days to be exact… but Jo couldn't for the life of her imagine a life without him. Now that she knew how it felt to be loved and adored by Alex. Now that she knew how it felt to be safe. Now that she knew how it felt like to be allowed to love him. Not having to restrain oneself. Not having to fear that the other one might not feel the same way or make a fool of you for it. Jo smiled sadly, feeling how her insides warmed when thinking about her Alex. She had never in her life felt something like this for anyone. She hadn't ever had a family to love. She hadn't ever had a boyfriend who she was so deeply in love with. With Alex, everything mixed up. Deep love for being her family, love for being tied to him with the kids and the marriage, love for the safety he gave her and also the future he promised her, but also being so unbelievably _in love_ with him, his character, his personality, just him. _Of course we are going to get through this. What the hell are you fussing at, Jo? You will make it work. He told you. You will always make it work between you two. Because it's what's our respective definition of perfect. Being with each other. _

Jo lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. _What if it wasn't anymore? Oh shut up, you stupid, stupid fuss. Everything will be fine. You are running yourself into something once again. _Jo sighed. She wished her thoughts would stop annoying her. She wished she could just believe in the good of their relationship. She wished for once, she could just wake him and kiss him and tell him she was sorry and tell him how much she loved him and just get over with it, hear what he had to say and deal with it from there. But that wasn't an option. She rolled over again, facing towards the window. It was still dark outside but she knew the twins were about to get up. Not realizing it, she finally drifted to sleep, only to be woken up an hour later. It was already 7.20. _Wow, good job, you guys, sleeping in. _Jo thought to herself, getting up, feeling worse after only sleeping an hour. She walked over to the nursery and opened up the door to see both babies standing, holding on to the bars, smiling at her and squealing. She closed the door quickly trying to prevent them from waking Alex and smiled back at them. _Oh, you perfect little sweethearts. _

When they had all gotten up and Jo had put the twins in their respective high chairs, Jo rushed upstairs quickly to retrieve Alex' cell phone from his pants pocket and dialed Lucy Fields' number while she waited for the kids' breakfast to boil.

"A very early morning to you, too," a very tired sounding Lucy answered the phone after a few seconds.

"Hi Lucy, I'm sorry, did I wake you? It's Jo," she said, feeling a little insecure.

"Oh, hey, I'm sorry, I thought Alex was calling?" Lucy stated, while Jo could hear her take the phone away from her ear and looking at the screen before coming back.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't have your number in my phone," Jo explained, even though she really wasn't up for small talk.

"Oh, okay. What's up? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm calling about. I know this is far from productive for all of you but Alex won't be able to make it to your meeting this morning," Jo excused her husband.

"Is he okay?" Lucy stated in part surprise, part suspicion.

"Well..," Jo started, not knowing how much to enclose but feeling like Alex definitely owed his colleagues an explanation. "Look, he had a rough night. He has been exhausting himself so much lately and he needs to sleep in this morning."

"Are you saying he got drunk and now the future of our project is being compromised?" Lucy came back in frustration.

"Look, Lucy, all I'm saying is that he won't be able to make it. He'll probably call you once he's up but he isn't yet. And I can't see him getting up anytime soon. I'm sorry to be bearing bad news but there's nothing I can do about it. And I doubt this will affect the 'future of your project' much," Jo finished a little irritated herself.

"Why can't you wake him?"

"Because even if I did, he wouldn't be able to stand, say a comprehensible sentence or think about the future of your freaking project. He was trashed when he came home and I'm sure there's a reason for that, too. I'm sure that he thought about the consequences when deciding to have ten beers too many or whatever. He might not always make the best decisions but he does think about them. So, please, just cut him some slack and I promise you I will do everything to make him realize that he needs to work with you on this," Jo spoke convincingly while carrying the bottles over towards already whining Ethan and Madison.

"What a professional," Lucy snarked, seemingly annoyed.

"Well, life doesn't always go as planned," Jo shot back. "Look, I know this is bad. But, please, I'm begging you. Can you handle this without him for right now? You surely can postpone the big meeting until tomorrow without making a big fuss and letting every person connected to this project know he has been at the bar drinking instead of preparing for this meeting. How long are you in town for?"

"8 days," Lucy replied, dryly.

"Plenty of time," Jo gave back. Lucy sighed.

"Well, tell him to call me once he's back from the dead," Lucy asked Jo exasperatedly.

"Will do," Jo replied.

"Thanks for calling."

"Yeah, least I could do. Lucy, I'm sorry, I really am. I'm sorry you are all having a hard time because of our private problems," Jo felt like she needed to protect Alex.

"No, it's not that," Lucy tried to soothe her but didn't get very far.

"No, I mean it. I know some problems would have come up anyways, no matter my accident. But I also know that his thoughts and energy lie somewhere else right now and not solely on Malawi. But we're all moving forward and he's gonna, too. You just need to give him some slack if that's possible," Jo begged the other woman, playing with Madison's fine hair.

"As long as it's possible with the project, of course, I'll give him the slack. But I don't think he'll be happy with me later on when he realizes how much the project has suffered," Lucy pointed out.

"We'll not let it slide that far. This all seems a little extreme right now. Don't assume the worst even though we know he's always doing his best. It'll be fine," Jo told her, ready to hang up, getting tired of jumping from reassuring Alex' colleagues to defending him.

They both said their good-byes and she put down the phone, looking at the display, showing a picture of Jo with pretty brand-new looking infants Ethan and Madison. She smiled at Alex' background. Then she realized the date that the cell phone showed before the screen went black. _Oh, no. _She had totally forgotten about having been invited to visit with Angela and Ruth to have breakfast at their place. _Great timing. _Jo looked at the clock. Almost eight. Good, at least she had another hour before she had promised to be there. She relaxed back into her seat, thinking about the breakfast date. She loved to spend time with Ruth. She had even got acquainted with Angela who hadn't been treating her any different mostly Jo thought because she didn't know how else to treat her, so she just ignored the fact that Jo couldn't remember her. Jo sighed. She did love to spend time with them. But today was a bad, bad day. _Oh well, life didn't always go as planned, right?_

Once the babies had finished their bottles, Jo tried to get them up and ready to go, when she realized how unbelievably fussy Madison was becoming. She tried to shush her for a while but nothing she did worked.

"What's wrong, baby girl? Don't you feel well?" Jo murmured, putting Ethan down in his crib when they reached upstairs to check out Madison. She put her on top of the changing table and looked at her.

"Oh baby, do you have a temperature? You feel all hot, don't you?" Jo purred while getting out a thermometer and measuring her, Madison whimpering quietly. She looked down at the display and sighed.

"Ugh, Madison, why didn't you say something sooner?" Jo groaned, realizing how stupid she sounded and being glad that her babies weren't going to give her away or make a fool of her. 102.2. Jo looked down at the seemingly tired baby, trying to figure out what to do. She knew this wasn't all too bad. She couldn't find any rashes on her daughter and she had ingested her bottle normally. Nothing much to worry about, she was probably just fighting a light infection of something. Jo picked her up and hugged Maddie towards her body. Her daughter's head settled on her shoulder immediately and her thumb found its way into her mouth. _Poor baby. _She looked over at Ethan and tried to decide on what to do next. _Oh well. Madison won't mind being at the Bran's for a while. If she needed to sleep, she will do it wherever. _A lump shaped in Jo's throat. She was sure everything was okay, for god's sake, she was a doctor. But then again, nothing like that had ever come up since her accident and she really had no idea how things like that were handled in their family. Was it okay for her to take her out? Jo sighed. She really didn't wanna call Lauren. However, upon weighing the options, she'd rather make a fool of herself than handling it "wrongly" and upsetting Alex later. She grabbed for her phone again and found Lauren's caller information, waiting impatiently for her to pick up. When the call went to voicemail, she sighed again and started packing their diaper bag. A few seconds later her phone rang. _Thank God. _

"Hey Lauren, sorry to bother you," Jo picked up nervously.

"Jo, sorry, I'm in class. I just went outside real quick to call you back. What's up? Everything okay?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lauren, I didn't mean to interrupt… I feel silly calling you," she admitted, blushing slightly.

"No, it's fine, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, sure, I think so. It's just… okay, please know, I really do feel silly since I'm a doctor myself and all… but… well, Madison has spiked a little fever. I know it can't be anything too serious, she's just acting really tired and a little fussy. No rashes, though, nothing else I could detect visibly. She had her bottle completely as usual. No vomiting, no funny diapers. I just… I just wanted to ask you… or make sure… if there's some kind of… you know… certain procedure there is when the babies seem sick?" Jo rambled on, trying to be swallowed by the ground at it. Thankfully, Lauren didn't seem to think she was out of line at all.

"Hm… so nothing except the fever, huh?" she checked one more time. Jo denied. "Well, the only thing that really comes up to mind is that you can't take them into day care since they won't take her with a temperature. But I guess you weren't planning on doing so anyways, right?"

Jo sighed. Of course. Today of all days. "Well," she chuckled humorlessly. "Actually I did. I mean I wanted to bring them in around noon because I had some… errands to run and I thought this would be an option… well, not anymore it seems," she concluded.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need any help? I mean I've got classes until… um, wait, let me think…2 I think if I'm not mistaken but after that I'd gladly help you out if you wanted me to," Lauren offered. Jo hesitated shortly before weighing the options again. She really, _really _needed to get things straight with Alex. And the last thing she wanted to worry about was their kids. As much as it bothered her leaving her sick child with the nanny but if there was one thing she did know it was how she couldn't think straight at the moment and Maddie probably was better off in her hands. Jo just prepared herself to give Lauren an answer when the said one started talking again.

"You know, Jo, just because she's sick, doesn't mean you have to drop everything and sit at home with her. She's a baby. She has a tiny temperature. She's not _sick _sick. I can watch her, make sure she sleeps a lot and gets her fluids. That doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human," Lauren reminded her. "I realize you've been struggling with yourself, I'm not blind. But please, just let me help you," she assured her. Jo sighed. She hated being that transparent. But then again, if people wouldn't notice, she'd probably never ask for help, right?

"Well," Jo sighed. "I really can't say you are wrong. I mean… would it be okay for you? I don't wanna ruin your afternoon plans…," Jo asked politely.

"I offered, you know," Lauren chuckled.

"Well, true. But you are probably too kind to not offer," Jo pointed out, smiling.

"No, if I couldn't make it, I'd say it. Trust me. And also, you have helped me so much let alone with giving me this job and helping me with all kinds of other stuff, so, please, just let me help you today, alright?" Jo smiled sheepishly.

"Yeah, okay. I'd be very grateful if you could help me out today," Jo said, putting on a fake pouting voice.

"Alright, then," Lauren chuckled.

"Call me when you get out of class and we'll come pick you up if that's okay, alright?"

"Oh, that would be even better," Lauren agreed.

"And Lauren – you're sure it's okay for me to take Maddie out? I mean… Alex won't be mad or something, right?"

Jo could hear Lauren hesitate quickly before answering slowly. "Is… is everything okay with you two? I mean, I don't wanna be personal or something… it's just… why don't you just talk to him?"

_Yeah, great job, Jo. Of course you didn't think about _not _saying anything that'd reveal your messy situation right now. _"No, no, everything's fine. Alex is still asleep. I really don't wanna wake him. That's all," she talked her way out of the fix.

"Alright, I'm glad. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to poke around," Lauren apologized.

"No, no, you're fine, really, legitimate question," Jo smiled.

"Alright, I gotta get back in. I'll call you later," Lauren bid her good-byes and they both hung up.

Jo took a deep breath. _Good. At least she had some kind of plan, right? _She got herself and the kids ready and drove over towards the Bran's. It was getting really icy outside. It was almost Thanksgiving, so, that wasn't anything unusual, still, a couple of months ago she was awaiting summer anxiously, now it was nearing winter. Still, least of her problems at the moment. She got out of the car when she had pulled in the Bran's driveway and tried to juggle two car seats, a diaper bag and a purse. Very clumsily, one might add, as usual. Good thing the ladies had been watching her from the kitchen window and she didn't need to take two steps before Angela rushed out to help her.

"Jo, darling, let me help you," she came out, smiling widely. "Hey, sweet angels," she purred towards the babies who were curiously looking up at the older woman underneath their layers of clothing and hats. "Oh, you are so cute, I can't believe it! I swear, they're getting cuter every day," she turned towards Jo and smiled.

"Well, I think so, too, thank you very much," Jo replied good-naturedly and Angela ushered her in, laughing. Jo put down all her stuff and walked over to hug Ruth immediately. She kneeled down in front of her and took the old lady's hands in between hers.

"How are you feeling, Ruthie?" Jo asked, a crease shaping on her forehead.

"Oh, splendidly!" the old bat croaked, laughing. "How are _you_ doing, Jo, my darling?"

"Oh, I'm perfect," she smiled, squeezing Ruth's hands and getting up, looking over at Angela who had taken Ethan out of his car seat.

"Oh, you handsome boy," she cooed at the baby, making him giggle. Jo watched them, smiling, getting Madison out of her car seat and cradling her. "Are you striving to match your daddies' good looks?" All of them chuckled about Angela's purring. When the older lady looked over, she frowned, though.

"What's wrong with little miss?" she asked in concern.

"Oh, I've taken her temperature this morning and it seems she's harboring something. Probably, nothing to speak of. She's just tired," Jo explained. Angela looked at baby girl in pain.

"Oh, poor baby," she pouted at her. Jo smiled sadly, nodding. They all sat down at the healthily packed table and Angela poured Jo some much needed coffee."Speaking of which, how is your handsome husband doing?" Angela changed the topic. Jo sighed, enjoying the first encounter with her best friend caffeine this morning.

"He's doing well. Little stressed out, nothing unusual," Jo winked at the other ladies.

"You doctors always make a point in straining yourself," Ruth croaked, having raised a finger. Jo laughed.

"Well, Ruth, there's lots of people who need us, you know," Jo came back a little too knowingly.

"Oh," Ruth waved her away. "Don't tell me you wouldn't rather have him home with you," the old lady looked at her knowingly, as well. Jo chuckled.

"Well, Ruthie, but that's how life goes. I can't always have what I want," Jo winked at her.

"So, when are _you_ going back to work?" Angela tried to get Ruth to eat some breakfast, putting a ready-to-eat plate in front of her.

"Actually, right after Thanksgiving. December 2nd. It's the Monday," Jo informed her, Angela raising her eyebrows.

"Oh, really? I didn't think you could go in that soon, already," she said in a surprised voice. Jo smiled.

"Yep, I'm gonna be up and running by next week," she said, trying to hide the anxiety she was still carrying around when thinking about it.

"Well, are you sure you are ready for this? I'd have thought with an accident like this you must be out for a while. You know, maybe start after New Year's or something," she rambled on, preparing herself a breakfast plate now, still entertaining Ethan in one of her arms.

"Yeah, no, everything's healed very well by now. It's been over a month, you know. They cleared me for surgery a week ago. So, yeah, that must mean I'm ready," Jo smiled again, politely.

The three of them conversed lightly throughout their breakfast procedures and had a good time catching up on each other's life. Madison had fallen asleep a little after they had come over and she was now safely put to rest on the living room couch, nestled within blankets and pillows. Ethan was having the fun of his life being entertained by Angela and Ruth. Jo excused herself when she got an incoming call at around 11.15.

"Hey Lauren," she picked it up in the hallway.

"Hey," Lauren answered. "I just wanted to tell you that my last class today got cancelled and I am ready to take over anytime from now," she informed her boss. Relief washed over Jo.

"Oh, that is great, Lauren. That is perfect," Jo replied. "Could you give me like… 15 minutes, I can come get you at school. I mean, unless you bought yourself a car since last time I saw you?"

"Yeah, I wish," Lauren chuckled. "No, I mean, it'd be great if you could pick me up. Don't rush, though, I'll have some coffee, just call me whenever you get here, alright?"

Jo walked back into the dining area, feeling a little more light-hearted.

"That was my nanny," she said.

"Oh, did she cancel? I can babysit, too, you know?" Angela immediately put her sympathetic voice and face on.

"You're sweet, but no, actually she told me she can take over anytime from now on, so I'm gonna go get her from school and then I'll finally be able to do what I had planned for today," she said with a smile.

"That's great. I really hope you are not overdoing yourself too much with everything, though," Angela replied, making Jo look back at her from what she picked up in the tone of her voice. Angela looked at her with honest eyes and Jo realized, she was telling her that she _did_ remember her amnesia and how much she cared for her well-being. Jo squeezed her arm, touched.

"I'm okay, really," Jo said, still overwhelmed about all the reactions she got from all her friends and well… family. They got everyone and everything ready and the ladies accompanied them out to the car and said their good-byes. It only took them around 10 minutes to channel through noon traffic smoothly before Lauren climbed in the passenger seat, looking back at both sleeping twins, now.

"Hey," she whispered, a little out of breath.

"Hey," Jo smiled back at her, starting the car. "So, do you mind if I drop myself off at the hospital? I actually have an errand to run there and I'll take Alex' car home later. If that's okay with you," she asked straight away, already heading towards the said destination.

"Yeah, sure, no problem," Lauren answered, watching her boss' profile.

"So, you'll probably have lots of time to yourself today. Ethan just went to sleep and he's a nap champ, as you know. Maddie has been sleeping and fussing on and off all morning. Do you have a baby-suitable apartment?"

Lauren frowned slightly, hesitating. "You don't want me to go back to your place?"

Jo sighed. "No, you can, of course," she chuckled lightly. "It's just… Alex has been having a really hard time, you know at work, and he might wanna have some peace today. I'm not sure how much peace we can give him with Madison not feeling well," she pondered. Lauren kept on watching Jo but couldn't quite make out if or what was wrong. She sighed, deciding it was none of her business and she was just gonna have to drop it.

"Actually, I have an even better idea," she chimed up. "I mean, if that's okay with you," she added, cautiously.

"And that is?"

"I have a friend who had a baby last Christmas. The twins and her are almost same age. The mom goes to school with me and her and a few others are doing study sessions this afternoon. I could go there. I mean, I was already bummed out I couldn't go but now I can go and we can split between studying and entertaining these cuties," Lauren told her excitedly. Jo looked over at Lauren briefly before focusing on the road again.

"Yeah but I'm sure your friend will not be very happy about having Maddie around with a fever," Jo pointed out.

"Well, as you said, it's only a slight fever and she'll be sleeping all day anyways. I'll keep the other ones away from her," Lauren winked.

"Well, if you're sure, then I'm okay with it. Sounds nice to get them together. Even if they won't care at all at this age," Jo laughed good-naturedly.

"Yeah, I know, but at least they'll get into the habit, you know. I mean they already see other kids at daycare but well… socializing never harmed anyone, right?"

"Absolutely. Go for it. Make sure to check with your friend beforehand, though. I don't want her to be mad with my kids for giving her kid a bug," Jo smiled, making Lauren nod. "Speaking of which, I have put the thermometer into the diaper bag – please, check her temperature now and again. Let me know if it's getting any higher," Jo requested.

"Yeah, sure thing," Lauren answered when she watched Jo pull into the parking lot in front of the hospital her bosses worked at. "What time are you thinking for me to drop them off?"

"Um, as said, I didn't mean to ban you from the house, you can come back anytime. It'd be great if you could bring them in time to have dinner and baths at the latest. Anytime before is fine, just let one of us know," Jo said, getting out of the car and opening up the back door to kiss her babies good-bye, observing them both, but especially Madison, with an unsure look.

"It's fine, Jo, really," Lauren told her once she had rounded the car. "It's okay to let them spend a day with me. No matter what the circumstances are," she tried to reassure her again. Jo smiled at her and Lauren could clearly see her boss was putting on a mask for her but well, nothing she could change about that. They said their good-byes and Jo watched them drive away. When she was sure, the car was out of sight Jo immediately started walking towards Alex' car which she had spotted instantly upon pulling into the lot. Of course, she didn't have any errands to run. She had needed to create a time slot for her and Alex to have some breathing room, to clear the air.

Jo was deep in thought and completely engrossed with the insides of her purse, trying to find the car keys, when she heard someone calling her name shakily. She had almost made it to the car and whipped around in surprise, looking up at the person standing a few feet away.

"Hey," the nurse said sheepishly, holding on to a cardboard box and fidgeting slightly.

"Elliot," Jo just said, a little out of breath for startling. They stood for a minute in awkward silence, none of them really knowing what to say.

"What are you doing here?" Elliot asked a little clumsily after a while.

"Oh, I'm just about to go home," she smiled a tiny smile at him, pointing at the car.

"Yeah, right," he replied nervously. Jo smiled at him questioningly before turning around and walking a couple more feet towards the car, when she heard Elliot following her. She turned around quickly only to see he was uncomfortably close to her and she took a step back without hesitating, watching him warily. Elliot who had seen her face and movements widened his eyes and made an appeasing hand gesture.

"Whoa, Jo, I'm not… I'm not gonna hurt you, you know that, right?" he said, shocked about Jo's reaction to him.

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry," Jo told him in embarrassment. She bit down on her lips, looking at him.

"Look," Elliott started, taking a deep breath. "I never meant for this to… to escalate as it did. I didn't even realize what I was doing to you when I was doing it… I… I… I just… you… I mean," he started stuttering, weirdly pointing at her to make her understand. Jo tried to but for that moment, she couldn't yet. "You are so… you are so beautiful, Jo," Elliott stammered out bashfully, blushing a bit. Jo sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Please, stop," she begged him, becoming exasperated. "You are making it worse." Elliott hung his head.

"Yeah… I'm just… I'm trying to explain myself…but I guess there isn't a good explanation other than… I fell for you… I fell for you badly and I can't seem to catch myself," Elliott confessed, still looking at the ground. Jo stared at him, not knowing what to say.

"You know, Elliott, I don't believe you," she said, eventually. This made him look up and give her a quizzical look. "You can't just fall for me. I never gave you anything to make you fall for me. You don't know me. You have no idea who I am. I can't remember but I think we never once talked about something unrelated to work. Yes, I probably acted friendly towards you but I didn't act any different around you than with every freaking other person on the floor, right? So, no, I don't believe you. You may have a crush on me, okay. But you're not in love with me. Trust me. Love is something very different. And at its best, it's being returned," she concluded.

"Just because you don't feel the same way doesn't mean my feelings are not true, you know," Elliott pointed out, making Jo sigh even harder.

"I don't even know why I'm still standing here, Elliott. There's nothing that could change my mind. I don't want to change my mind. So, please, just back off. I've been trying to understand, I really have. I have been telling people to cut you some slack when you actually, from what I've heard, don't really deserve it. But please, don't approach me again. I'm tired of it. And you start to creep me out," Jo voiced very clearly. Elliott looked at her with sad eyes.

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to tell you before I got distracted with… you," he said, immediately rushing on when seeing her face. "Alright, alright, please just let me say this. And then I'll promise you, you'll never see me again, alright?" Jo just nodded curtly. "I am truly sorry for making you uncomfortable with all the attention I have been giving you. I am so sorry if I made you uncomfortable at work and at the bar or wherever. I… I really have no idea what went through with me… but I took my affection for you to such levels… I can see now that it was wrong and I scared you, even though that was the complete opposite of what I wanted. I'm so sorry, Jo. I never meant to hurt you. I've turned into a creep and I don't even know how," Elliott explained.

"Are you seriously trying to raise sympathy now?" a stern female voice shot out from the other side of Jo's car and startled both of them. "Really? And you are actually approaching Jo for it? This is unbelievable," Stephanie stated, walking over to stand next to Jo and crossing her arms, awaiting an answer.

"Steph," Jo whispered, touching her arm. "It's okay, let's not make a fuss, alright?"

"No, Jo, I don't wanna hear it. I know you can't remember what he did to you. But so does he. He's playing you again. He's using the fact that you have no idea just how bad it got in the end. It's nice and all that he wants to apologize but one of the conditions he got listed from the board was either he stays away from you by choice or we are going to get him a restraining order," Stephanie spat out. Jo looked at her wide-eyed. _Oh, so that's what the board meeting had been about. _

"It's the hospital parking lot, you know, doctor. It's not like I followed her here. I ran into her," Elliott pointed out.

"Oh, cut the crap. If you hadn't, you'd probably have waited for her to come by at some point. Or worse, you would have lingered at the bar. Or, I don't know how far you'll go with your craziness… maybe stalk her at their house?" Jo could feel how Stephanie got agitated. She put an appeasing hand on Stephanie's crossed arm and looked at her sharply.

"Steph, that's enough. I love you for caring so much but I can handle this, I promise," Jo looked at her intensely, trying to make her back off.

"No, Jo, you don't understand. He's… he… God, he is obsessed with you," Stephanie spat out in a whisper, pointing at him.

"Yeah, okay, I get it. But he's backing off, now. Right, Elliott? You're backing off?" Jo turned around to look at him. He nodded. "See," she told Stephanie.

"Really? You are taking his word?"

"Yes. You wanna know why?" At this, Jo turned around to look at Elliott again. She took a step towards him, both pairs of eyes watching her movements precisely, Elliott's breathing hitched. "If you are going to do anything like you did to me the last several years ever again, I'm not only going to call the police on you, but I am going to hurt you. And trust me, my husband's threats may be scary but they're cute compared to mine. I _can_ hurt you. And I will if you give me the chance to. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to. I really don't. I hate that I'm doing this right now. But I am scared out of my mind. I mean, what the hell, Elliott? I woke up to this life and without even knowing, you infiltrate it again, just like that, trying to get into my good graces again. And then the asking me out at the baby shower? _What the hell, Elliott? _I'm so sick of telling you again and again, but I'm married, happily married. I don't care about you. I'm sorry. Asking a married woman out? No-go, I'd say. But then again, this turns into cute once I hear all the things you _did _do the last years and it gets me thinking. _Can I go out by myself ever again? Am I safe going to the store? Am I safe having a drink with my friends at the bar? Am I safe taking my kids out? Am I safe without you stalking me wherever I go? _But you know what, it's not the fact that you actually _are _doing something like that – at the moment – but you _could _do it… anytime. So, I'm scared. All the time. So, yeah, if I'll ever see you again, without having someone to hold hands with, I'm gonna hurt you. Because it's scary. Do you get that at all? It's scary! It isn't normal! Please, Elliott, I really get it, I have been letting you explain it for a few times now, and I really get it… trust me. Sometimes you just fall for the wrong person at the wrong time at the wrong place. That's life. Stalking that person is just creepy. It's not _life. _It's not _love. _It's sick. So, please, _please, _leave me alone. Go somewhere else and be happy. Preferably out of state," Jo finished her talk, taking a deep breath for having rushed out the words that were all bubbling up inside of her. Elliott looked at her with wide eyes.

"Okay," he just said, and Jo could feel how pain seeped through her guts. She hated herself for it but she hated to see him hurt. She hated to see him walk away, most probably not knowing what to do with his life next. She hated that she actually felt for him. But the only reason she did was because she hated seeing people lonely and beaten. She had been like that before in her life. Lonely and beaten. But at that very moment, she knew, _that guy_, he had done it to himself. She never had. She had lived lonely and beaten without ever asking for it. Without ever doing something seriously wrong. But that didn't change the fact that she _did_ feelfor him. And the only thing she was really glad about at that very moment and she hated herself even more for that – but for a very different reason – was the fact that she couldn't remember just how scary it was, being the focus of obsession of her colleague. If there was one thing she really had no desire to remember, then it was this. He looked up at her one more time, searching her eyes.

"I am _truly _sorry," he voiced. Jo nodded.

"I know," she said, but that was all she could give him. He gave her a small smile and turned around, walking away. Both girls stood in silence, watching him walk away on foot, out of the parking lot, out of the premises of the hospital. After a couple of minutes, Stephanie turned towards Jo.

"You okay?"

Jo nodded, feeling how her heart was heavy with sympathy but her everything else was light as a feather, for finally having gotten rid of her little sticky problem.

"How did you find me out here? Do I have a motion sensor on me or something?"

Stephanie chuckled. "No, I was going to get lunch at _Julio's_ when I saw you guys standing here," she explained. "Jackson told me about the board meeting yesterday," she expressed herself further. Jo looked at her friend, exhaustion mirroring within her eyes. "Have you guys had a chance to talk yet?" Stephanie looked over at Jo compassionately. Jo just shook her head, sighing.

"I was gonna go home and see if Alex was up yet when Elliott came in between," she clarified. Steph nodded.

"You wanna go talk about it?"

Jo shook her head. "No. Thank you, though. You're being sweet. I appreciate that. But right now, there are only two things that I would be truly okay with doing," she said. "Option A, talk it out with Alex. Option B, sleep," she said, chuckling. Stephanie smiled at her.

"Alright, you go do that," her friend said, squeezing her arm again. "Let me know what option took home the victory, later," she smiled, before waving her goodbye and jogging towards the hospital entrance. Jo watched her cross it and then walked over to the car and climbed in. She sighed, leaning her head onto the steering wheel. _Ugh, this was definitely not her day. _


	32. Chapter 32

**Hey guys! I'm so sorry you've all been depressed and negatively affected by my story. However, I do think it's great you guys care so much. It makes me think, maybe I did good with portraying everything as I did. This chapter is LONG. Just fyi, as I have reported before, I have been dividing chapters due to their length, so the story now has reached close to 40 chapters. I hope I'm not already boring you with where I'm going and you'll stay hooked. Also, due to that dividing plan... some of the chapters may seem like 'fillers', which they really aren't it was just that for example this fight that's going on right now was initially handled within one chapter... which now I divided to be 4 chapters or so... it would have been an endless chapter to read so I decided against it. But still, most of the interactions (even if they're not Jo/Alex) on the chapters (or descriptions) make sense for me somehow because either I want to release some part of information or I wanna explore how Jo and Alex are doing in contact with other people which is very important to me, too. So, I really hope you guys aren't too disappointed with me if a chapter is not what you hoped for it to be! Alright, now get ready, this is long and well... exhausting ;-) THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR AMAZING SUPPORT!**

When Jo arrived home, she walked upstairs quietly and opened the door to their bedroom, checking on Alex. She looked at his outlines intently. He looked like a pouting little kitten. She chuckled voicelessly. Hours ago, she would have dubbed him as the angry kitten. Even though his face might tell the world he was angry, however, the rest of his body surely radiated peace and softness. Alex was lying on his stomach, gripping on to his pillow tightly, still wearing the clothes he had been wearing all day.

Jo closed the door behind her smoothly and walked over to the window to close it, as well. The unpleasant smell had diminished almost entirely overnight and she really didn't want Alex to catch a cold, it was freezing outside. She took one more look at Alex before rounding the bed over to her side and tried to not wake him while lying down on it herself. As soon as she had hit the mattress, deep fatigue overcame her and her body felt like it was melting. Finally, she could let everything loose, unclench her muscles, and relax her knuckles - every single cell of her body eased. It was only a matter of minutes before she had fallen asleep.

Hours later, Jo awoke due to a loud snore on Alex's side. She startled and sat up, sighing, rubbing her face and looking over at Alex. She put her hand on his back and stroked it softly, for him to stop snoring. The sleeping noises he was able to produce when sleeping off a night of too much alcohol were unbelievable and she surely wasn't going to let him off the hook. He settled as soon as Jo had put her hand on his back and turned his head back towards the window, still sleeping soundly. It was only 1.30, though; Jo had thought she had been sleeping a lot longer. She kept studying her husband's outlines, pondering. _God, baby, you must have been so freaking exhausted and I didn't even realize. _Being that tired, sleeping for almost 12 hours straight – even though, of course, the alcohol intake had affected this as well – it couldn't have come from one day of exhaustion but from ongoing fatigue and overextension. She sighed.

Jo looked over at her nightstand and grabbed the papers that she had brought up with her. She perused the first few pages of the _Seattle Times _before she heard soft groaning and small tossing from Alex's direction. She put the papers down to look over at him, her eyes finding his immediately, sharing a long exploratory gaze. Both their expressions didn't say much, and Jo wasn't going to give him much, either. She didn't have to, though; Alex was already putting his head into his hands and groaned a little louder.

"I put some water and an aspirin on your nightstand," Jo told him soberly, going back to reading her newspapers. Alex looked up at her fleetingly before reaching over and taking the said headache relievers gratefully. His head was pounding; he felt like his field of vision was being compromised by how bad his headaches came in. When he had finished the whole cup of water, he lay down again, turning to face Jo.

"What time is it?" Alex asked quietly after a second, trying not to move too much. Jo shrugged, looking over at the alarm clock.

"2.40," she answered, not looking at him quite yet. It wouldn't help him to get stared down with a hangover like that one. She wasn't going to push him, especially after having overdone it the previous night. She could make out serious groaning and cursing before looking back over at him.

"Why didn't you wake me?" he spat out madly.

"Have you looked at yourself?" Jo gave back dismissively. Alex didn't say anything for a while, having turned around to lie on his back and his hands covering his face. When Jo looked over, she didn't know how to feel. She hated seeing him like that. She knew how much he regretted his actions already. "I called Lucy in the morning to cancel the meeting," she tried to soothe him at least a little. He looked over at her, almost a little embarrassed.

"Thanks," he gagged out for the first time that day, before covering his face again. "Kids sleeping?"

"Nah, I mean… I don't know," Jo answered looking back down at the papers, getting annoyed by not being able to finish the article she had started a while ago.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Alex looked over her sharply and regretting it immediately with a sharp pain flashing through his head. Jo smirked, shaking her head.

"I really hope those beers or whatever you had last night been worth it," she said, hearing and knowing the bitterness of her own voice. She looked over at him, who was staring at her angrily. She chuckled. "Don't be mad at me, I didn't make you," she said, switching to serious in a second and adding quietly, "even though I might have been the trigger for it."

Jo looked down awkwardly, when Alex took a deep breath. He couldn't do this right now. He had to get up and wash and try to feel a little more like his normal self again before talking everything out with Jo. He played with the thought of putting a comforting hand on her thigh but then he didn't, feeling stupid about storming out like that and even more… what he said in his drunken stupor the night before. He closed his eyes and tried to block it out.

"So, where are the kids?"

"With Lauren," Jo answered quietly. "I needed some quiet time as well," she admitted. Alex nodded understandingly. He kept looking at her, while she was looking down at her newspapers, not sure if she was actually reading or just trying to avoid his eyes. He felt how she was blaming herself for what had happened the night before. He could see it in her eyes and face and entire posture. But then, he could also see anger and disappointment mixing up within her shame. He sighed, biting his lips. He was mad, too. But he was also so unbelievingly sorry. He hadn't meant to make Jo his scapegoat, he really hadn't. He kept looking at her for a while, not knowing if or what to say. After a while he decided he had to get up and get cleaned before anything else could happen.

He tried to switch to a vertical position, feeling how his balance hadn't kicked in yet. Jo looked up at him, when he walked past the bed towards the bathroom. "Do you want me to order you some food?" she asked him insecurely. "Something to absorb all that alcohol that's still in your system?" Alex looked back at Jo, pondering, clutching the doorframe to steady himself.

"That'd be awesome, actually," he managed, before smiling slightly. She nodded before he walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Jo sunk down into the bed. _Alright, you have like 20 minutes to get ready for this. Don't get scared, now. It's just Alex. The man you love. Then man who loves you. It's just him. Nobody to be scared of. Just, try to get ready for what you're both going to say. _She got up slowly, trying to fix her hair and looked in the mirror above the dresser by the back wall. She still looked drained. _Oh well, least of her problems right now. _She walked downstairs, calling the pizza place and ordering some, before cleaning up the kitchen from breakfast and fetching a Gatorade from the laundry room for Alex.

Jo sat down on the couch, legs crossed, waiting nervously, playing with her fingers restlessly. Her breathing was somewhat irregular, and she could feel her accelerated heartbeat throughout her body. When the doorbell rang several minutes later, she got up and tipped the pizza delivery girl generously for being so quick. When she waved the girl good-bye and turned around, Alex was just coming down the stairs, looking a lot better already. She gave him a small smile and he followed her into the living room. They both sat down on the couch, Alex tucking in greedily. Jo bit her lips. _How were they going to go about this? _They sat in silence for a while before Alex finished his meal and took a few big gulps of the Gatorade she had brought out for him. Jo had been looking down at her lap, only listening to the noises he made while eating and shifting around on the couch, breathing in the pleasant smell of Alex's body wash and counting the seconds. When all the small noises subsided, she looked over at Alex and found him facing her. They shared a short gaze, before Alex opened his mouth and tried to shape words.

"Jo," he started out shakily, and this was all he needed to say to make her realize she had already started to tear up. She took a deep breath, trying to make her eyes un-water. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Jo," he said again, trying to get her to look at him. "Before I say anything else," he continued when she finally looked up at him. "Before we get into whatever it is… before we… well…whatever it is we are both going to say next, I just want you to know that I _am_ truly sorry for how I behaved yesterday," he got out, his voice steady but his breathing a little hitched as well. Jo nodded when she matched their eyes, eventually.

"I am too," she whispered, not trusting her voice. He nodded, letting her know he accepted her apology. They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, not knowing how to move on. Jo tried her best not to lose tears quite yet, not even having started their big argument but looking at him sitting there chewing on his own behavior and mistakes and trying to work it out with her was too much to bear. She could feel how her chin started trembling and she looked up at the ceiling, losing a couple of tears, wiping them away again furiously a second later.

"Hey, hey, hey," Alex whispered immediately, grasping the wrist of her arm that she had used to cover the tears and pulled her over towards his lap. Jo, who had not anticipated this sudden action, looked at him in surprise but immediately changed to emotional overflow when she realized he was actually trying to console her. She crawled over into his lap, latching her arms around his neck tightly and started crying uncontrollably. Alex held Jo's trembling body in his strong embrace, trying to shush her, trying to soothe her into well-being. When Jo's tears had finally succumbed, she rested her head on his shoulder, focusing on Alex's hands drawing shapes on her back, breathing in his unmistakable scent. After a while, she took the initiative and looked up, their faces only inches apart, trying to search his eyes for an answer.

"Can I kiss you? Just once, just…I just… I really just need to kiss you before we start talking and everything's going to be messy and we will be screaming at each other and be upset with each other, can I just kiss you-," Jo started frantically, before Alex had shut her up with his lips on hers. Their encounter was gentle but intense, Alex pecking her lips a thousand times it seemed to her, Jo holding on to the back of his head tightly. The last kiss lingered, and they both just put their minds to rest and enjoyed the feel of each other's bodies. When they broke apart, Jo pulled Alex into a tight hug, kissing his neck frantically, trying to give him all she had.

"I love you, Jo," Alex whispered. "You know that, right?" Jo nodded barely noticeable, not letting go just yet. "It's just… it's not that easy sometimes for me either," he admitted, trying to start explaining himself. She nodded again, still keeping him in her strong arms. When he pulled her back with emphasis, she knew, this was it, they had to talk it out, now. She nodded again, crawling back out of the safety of his arms and sat next to him on the couch, wiping away a few stray tears that were still bothering her face and took a deep breath.

"Okay, let me have it," she said, eventually, bringing her eyes back up to his.

"Oh come on, Jo, let's not start like this already," Alex said, exasperatedly looking up at her.

"Well, I was the reason you got so mad last night, right?" she came back questioningly.

"No," Alex shook his head. "I mean, yes. Well, part of it. You just… Jo, I told you like a thousand times I didn't wanna talk about it. I didn't need you to poke around my stuff, I didn't-," he defended himself before she interrupted him again.

"I'm sorry if I pushed you too hard. I know that was wrong. I just… Look, I know the board meeting was about Elliott. And this is something, you _have _to tell me. You really do, Alex. I mean what if I go out and meet him again and don't know anything about what you guys talked about. What if it were something even more serious? You didn't have the right to just withhold that information from me," Jo explained her actions.

"It's not like I was withholding that information. I just really needed a couple of hours to relax. I didn't mean to not tell you. I would have told you eventually. Maybe not last night, but I would have told you," Alex said.

"Well, but that's my point, Alex. I could have gone out today and met him. You were upstairs sleeping off your 2% alcohol level. You couldn't have protected me. You always preach about how you have everything under control and you're making sure that I'll be safe and whatnot but you know what would be a great start, trying to communicate and tell me what things are out there to keep an eye for," Jo spat at him, becoming a little more agitated.

"Yeah, I know, Jo, I know that very well. And you've been telling me an awful lot of times. I just… don't you get it? It wasn't about the board meeting yesterday. The board meeting wasn't what upset me most last night. I had a full day of crap going on and the board meeting was only the cherry on top of my big fat cup of crap-ice cream. My head was in a bad place – again, and I just wanted to be left alone. I'm sorry if you feel unsafe or unprotected because of that, I really am, but it had nothing whatsoever to do with that stupid freaking idiot," Alex worked himself into a rage, getting up from the couch and pacing back and forth the living room.

"Well, but you could have told me so," Jo pointed out half-heartedly.

"Like I didn't? A handful of times even?"

"Yeah, okay, you're right, I shouldn't have bugged you. But, Alex, you have to stop this pulling away crap. I mean what the fuck? You told me that everlasting story of how we overcame our differences a few years back and all and you concluded to something like, we're being great at communicating now and we're great at fighting because we're so secure in our relationship and we know how much our relationship can take and whatnot. Was that a big fat lie, also? Cause our communication sucks. _Telling_ me to shut up and not bother you is not a way to make me care less. You could have… I don't know… given me something. You know, I'm not bugging you because I wanna annoy you. But I wanna know things. I want you to tell me things. I want you to tell me when you're having a bad day and I want you to open up to me because I can feel how you're pulling away again and I don't like it… because that will only be the start of something even more terrible and you know it as well. I just… I just can't put my finger on what it is that makes you pull away again," Jo talked herself into frenzy.

"Look. I can't tell you about every single second of my life-," Alex countered.

"I'm not asking you to tell me about your lunch sandwich or your bathroom routine, idiot. Please, don't patronize me. I just want an in to your life but you are denying me one. I can't believe for one second that _this _resembles the way it was when I was still your wife with a functioning memory," Jo shot back before even letting him finish. Alex flung his hands madly in the air.

"That's exactly the point, Jo. NOTHING, _nothing, _is the way it was before the accident," he spat out angrily, immediately regretting it for knowing how she was going to react but having had to say it since he had been carrying it around with him like a big fat rock latched onto his shoulders. He put his arms into his sides and turned towards the window, not facing her. Jo sat on the couch, speechless. She opened and closed her mouth a few times to say something but she was unable to form a single word.

"What…what are you saying?" she whispered after a moment, completely panicked about the answer he was going to give her. When Alex didn't say anything and just looked out the window, biting his lips, she got up and walked several steps towards him hoping she could make him react. "Alex, what exactly are you saying?" When he turned around to look at her, he looked… torn.

"I'm not sure," he started voicing before being interrupted again.

"Alex, you need to tell me exactly what it is you want from me, in fact, you need to do it right this second. I'm so done with all this. I can't do this anymore. I've been so freaking scared, every freaking day, and I'm so tired of it. I'm scared that I won't be enough for you, I'm scared that I can't live up to that perfect image you have going in your head about me, I'm scared you get tired of trying to help me with this, I'm scared you'll decide this is not what you signed up for, I'm scared that you don't want me anymore – because, let's be realistic, you have had so many freaking chances, it's becoming more and more ridiculous, and you still haven't touched me, I'm scared you'll find your interests and needs and wants and desires fulfilled somewhere else, I'm scared I'll ruin your career because you spend so much time trying to make _me_ feel better. So, basically, all I'm doing at the moment is being scared. I can't do it anymore. Because I for one freaking _love _this life. I freaking _love _you. I thought it was enough. I thought me surviving and me reciprocating your feelings was enough. I really thought, for _us, _love was enough. But apparently, it isn't. So, please, just tell me what the fuck it is you want from me. I mean, are you trying to say that you're done with me? Are you trying to say that you are thinking of leaving me? Because you can't do this anymore? Is that what you are saying? Because I just need to know… and for once, you gotta stop babying me in putting me first. If you don't wanna be with me, fine, then let's go from there, but please, you need to think about yourself for once and then you need to think about what _you_ want. This is our life now. No, let me correct that, this is _my _life now. As of right now, it doesn't look like my freaking memory is coming back anytime soon. So yes, this is my life now. I thought we would pull through this together. Apparently we can't. You told me a week ago that we could conquer everything. But can we conquer this? Have you included this situation into all your thoughts?"

After a few sentences, Jo had started yelling. She didn't know what had overcome her but she couldn't keep it in anymore. She just needed it out. She needed a vent and she needed it fast. And while at it, she threw in every other thought she had been harboring inside her as well. When she was done, she took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and looked at him expectantly. He hadn't said a word or expressed a reaction on his face at all. She shook her head at him questioningly in irritation about his stoicism.

"I told Meredith yesterday about how badly I need my wife back," Alex started out, quietly. "How I can't see myself go anywhere from here without my old Jo," he said, looking up at her face and meeting confused but at the same time mad eyes.

"Well, you know what, I can't give you that. I can't. I'm not the person I was before I lost my memory. I'm sorry. I haven't grown to be her. That's the one thing I can't give you," Jo yelled at him frantically. Alex only smiled at her in return which made her even more furious and she groaned, loudly, feeling how her head reddened gradually and her ears felt like they were fuming. "What the hell are you smirking about right now? You really think that's funny?"

"No," he shook his head, still smiling. "No, I really don't," he said, trying to explain himself. "I haven't finished my thought," he offered.

"Well, then," Jo waved her hands around in the air in frustration, "ugh, just do it," she spit out.

"Well, I told her how I can't do this anymore with you not going back to who you were. Because I miss you so much. All the time. And I seem to not be able to handle my freaking life without you. And I had been pondering about that and becoming more desperate and desperate about it because it felt like… everything was slipping through my hands… with you not… you know… by my side," he tried for her to see.

"I'm right here, Alex, I am here," Jo pleaded with him.

"Yeah, I know. But I need old you back. I need you to go back to be your true self. I need you to start being who you were… because even if you don't remember, I know it's in you and I know you would be like that if you weren't that self-conscious and insecure. Because that's who I fell in love with. It's nobody you grew to be but that was the person I fell in love with initially," he told her, Jo looking at him desperately.

"You can't make me be somebody I'm not," she told him quietly.

"But that's exactly what I'm saying, Jo. I'm not making you to be someone. You _are_ that person, you're just too insecure and so scared – just like you told me a minute ago – that you can't seem to live up to who you used to be. I can see it in you all the time when you're not thinking about it," he pointed out. She shook his head at him in confusion.

"So, what were you smiling about?"

"I was trying to voice how much I missed old you when you started yelling at me… and that is _so _old Jo," he said, giving her a small smile. "Being pissed at me and yell at me and just… talk back, you know?"

Jo looked at him in surprise. "Oh," she said, sheepishly, making him chuckle. They stood there in silence for a while, looking at each other.

"I'm being an asshole and you still love me," Alex just said all of a sudden, looking at her straightly, taking her ready wit away from her momentarily.

"Well, of course I do," she looked at him with quizzical eyes.

"I just… I just can't get that into my head. Look, Jo, I'm sorry for having behaved like that last night, I shouldn't have and I know that, I do. It's just… I wanted to talk to you so badly but I couldn't because at that moment, everything was too much. And I'm scared, too. There's so many things that scare me. I'm scared you'll never be happy again. I'm scared you'll find a better life if you just try hard enough. I'm scared you aren't ready for things. You know, with us only being friends and all in your time frame. I'm scared I leave you alone too much, I'm scared I hover too much, I'm scared you'll never go back to being self-confident. I'm scared you'll always be scared. I am scared a lot, too, Jo. But that doesn't mean I'm calling it quits or worse even, I don't want you or need you or love you. There's no way you can think like that. Look, there's always going to be rough patches. And even if we overcame it years ago, there's always going to be that one time or the next when you will have to force me to open up to you because people change but they don't change. I'm still the person that I always was. With you, life's a little easier and opening up became a little simpler. But that doesn't mean I'm mastering the art. There's always going to be fights and there's always going to be situations when I say pretty nasty things because I can't help it and that's the way I am. But the best thing about all that always had been that you didn't care. You loved me anyways. Because you were cut from the exact same cloth. You get pissed a lot, you yell, you snark, you grunt, you fight back, you're mad…. And then we fight and then we talk it out and then everything turns out okay. That's the way it works between us," Alex told her patiently, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"So, what do you want me to do? I mean, I'm not gonna start dating you again, by all means… I can't see that happening," Jo chuckled, turning to serious in a second though, not knowing if they were there yet.

"No, no, Jo, that's not what I want from you. I just need you to keep being yourself. Stop being so insecure. I mean, _please, _don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be extra insensitive here. I get why you are being insecure and you have been entitled to be and behave so completely…but there are so many things that we _have_ talked about already and we _have_ 'settled' to put it that way… you don't have to chew on them over and over and over again. It drives me crazy. I love you. I want you. Please stop questioning it," he told her matter-of-factly.

"If that is so, why are you still not sleeping with me?" Jo looked straight into his eyes, determined not to let this go for once. Alex sighed heavily and looked at Jo, helplessly. He tried to say something but couldn't. "Look, Alex, I don't know what the deal is and I really don't wanna seem like this is all I want… I just… come on, you can't be that disciplined, right? I mean… it's been 41 days. And you feel me up all the time… and we kiss… and we… I mean, God, Alex, can you please just say something? Please just tell me you have a sensible reason for not sleeping with me, okay? Please tell me it's not some crap about me not being your 'old wife' or worse… you don't want to," Jo had taken a few steps towards Alex to stand closer to him and urge him towards an answer. Alex took a deep breath and shook his head violently.

"No, no, Jo, stop," he told her. "You know that's not what it's like," he tried to make her see.

"What is it, then? Please, just tell me," Jo pressed, feeling how she was hitting her bottom with not knowing and feeling so unbelievably insecure because of it. It really did make sense what Alex had been telling her about having to take a leap from where she was now to get to who she really was. It was just… she couldn't do it if there was still so much that they were ignoring… she needed his help in finding her way back but he didn't seem to be ready to tell. Once again.

"Jo, come here," he told her, reaching out for her arm and pulling her closer, so they stood face to face, Alex cupping Jo's cheeks, her looking up at him with big, watery eyes. "I want you so much, it's not funny anymore. It's not about exploding or rather imploding, or self-discipline. I just… I'd probably die living without your touch. I need you so much. No, let me finish, please," he said, when Jo tried to go in between. She bit her lower lip. "I have never wanted anyone so much in my life. It's always been like this. And thankfully, you think along the same lines. I just… I need more answers," he rambled on.

"What do you need answers for? I don't get it, Alex, I really don't. This isn't one of the things we have to figure out, right? I mean, there's you and there's me and there's attraction and love and desire," she shook her head sadly, begging him with his eyes. "And usually that's all it takes… even less sometimes for other people," she tugged at his shirt, inching closer to him. "I just… Alex, I can't do this anymore. I'm serious, I'm going to explode sooner or later," she confessed. He smiled bashfully.

"I know, Jo. I just… okay, trust me, I know you are going to hate me for what I'm going to say next… but _please_… can I please just keep this one to myself for a little bit longer. I just… I've been trying to share everything with you for so long now and I'm trying to do everything one by one. Baby steps, remember? So, please, I'm just… not ready to talk about it yet," Alex explained slowly. Jo sighed, looking up at the ceiling in frustration.

"You do know the longer we wait, the more awkward it will get," she pointed out to him, making him smile.

"Nah, just because we've been having a dry spell doesn't make it awkward later on. I promise. There won't be any nasty surprises or something," he chuckled, making her laugh against her will, trying to stay mad.

"So, what? I'm gonna have to wait until _you _decide we're ready for this?"

"I don't know to be honest… I really don't. Maybe the feeling I have will subside… just pass by… maybe it's just a momentary thing," he told her, insecurely.

"How about you just tell me about it? How about you let me in for once in your life? You know, maybe I can help… I didn't lose my brain cells with the car crash, just to remind you again," she told him, punching him lightly before turning around and sitting back down on the couch.

"No, I think I have to do this on my own," he told her, genuinely, Jo flinging up her hands in frustration and putting her face into them. "Jo, this doesn't mean that I'm pulling away from you again-," Alex started out, realizing what he had been insinuating once again with his statement. Jo got up and stared him down with gleaming mad eyes.

"Oh, doesn't it? Really? Because I can't see the difference between you not telling me about… whatever – the board meeting for instance – and you not telling me about that stupid reason you're hiding for not wanting to sleep with me," Jo started yelling at the top of her voice.

"There is a freaking difference," Alex shouted back, frustrated beyond belief for not being able to make her see.

"Really? I can't see it! I just don't get it. One day everything is awesome and you tell me stories about our six years of happiness and we get along and we laugh and we make out and everything's perfect and the next day you push me away and you're mad at me for wanting to know why the hell you're not sleeping with me. I feel so stupid already. I am your wife, right? I mean… what the hell does it mean to you that I'm your wife? Even though I might not remember anything from our marriage… but I AM YOUR WIFE. And I'm not only talking about the sex… but everything… the whole thing… everything is so messy and complicated. I just really wanna go back to who we were but you won't let me… so, let me ask you: what does our marriage mean to you? What does THIS," and at that she pointed to the rings on her necklace. "What the hell does this mean to you?"

Alex had put his face in his hands again and took a deep breath.

"Look, Jo, I don't know where all of this will take us… I don't know what this accident means to our lives-," Alex started to calm her down.

"No, don't give me that crap again, I don't wanna hear it anymore. I just wanna know if you actually, truly, genuinely wanna be with me or not?" she shouted at him, making them both stop in what they were doing and looking at each other in shock. Jo could feel how pain slowly started creeping through her guts for having said the unspeakable, for having floated the suggestion that may have not been there before. She could see Alex's unbelieving eyes, which soothed her a tiny bit, but then again, there were so many other emotions swimming in his eyes as well. She startled when he suddenly took two long strides towards her and reached for her throat.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jo asked him frantically, when Alex opened up her necklace, holding it in his hands, looking down on it, Jo looking at him in confusion. "Alex? What are you doing?" He turned his back towards Jo and strolled away, pacing up and down the living room, with the necklace in his left hand and his right hand still switching between covering his mouth and rubbing his forehead. "Alex, give me back my rings," Jo said in a sharp tone when he wouldn't budge. He stopped pacing and looked at her from across the room.

"You are driving me crazy," he spat out towards her, making her take a step back. "You are driving me nuts," he repeated, in a rude tone. Jo didn't know what to say. "You are making my life hell," he spat out, making Jo tear up once again.

"Wha-at?" she croaked out slightly, through a trembling voice, feeling how it hurt having him say mean words like that. He looked at her, realizing what he had said. He strode towards her with conviction, making her lean back slightly in fear.

"You make my life hell, Jo," he repeated, standing right before her. "You made me love you and you made me adore you and you made me promise to do so for the rest of my life but it doesn't matter what you made me promise because I wouldn't be able to do any differently anyways. I love you so much, it hurts. It hurts to see you hurting, it hurts to see you that insecure, it hurts so much that I apparently make you feel like you're not enough. It hurts," he spat out, tears in his eyes as well. Jo just kept looking at him, a deep crease forming between her eyes. "So, yes, you make my life hell. Because I was just fine before I knew you… you know with not accepting my feelings and all… and now I have so freaking many," he yelled in frustration. Jo sighed and smiled sadly, putting her head to the side. "Don't look at me like that, Jo," he ordered her, trying to stay calm.

"But it's your fault, Alex," she just replied, making him look up at her eyes in confusion. "You made me fall in love with you. Twice. It's definitely your fault. I just can't seem to be able to stay away from you," she concluded. He looked at her in pain. "Can I please have my rings back now since I'm not allowed to doubt the future of our marriage anymore?" she told him firmly. He looked at her for a moment, and then shook his head. "What? Why? Give me back my freaking rings, Alex," she told him sharply, flustered.

"Promise me something," Alex started up, ignoring her agitation.

"What?"

"Promise me you'll never doubt my love for you again," he asked her, looking up at her eyes in pure honesty.

"Alex, that's only human," she countered, knowing his request would take a whole lot of effort on her side.

"I know it is but you are a smart woman. You are smart and you are observant and you know, for God's sake. And I just… alright, let me say it like this. It doesn't matter if you have doubts about whatever… it's natural to have doubts about a period of time that you can't remember. And it's completely legitimate to be scared and insecure. But you need to trust me when I tell you: I have never once in my life met another human being that I have loved as much as I love you. And I know you know it and now I only need you to trust your instincts and not doubt it anymore. Because I can't make you believe it anymore if you don't believe it yourself. Alright?" Alex looked at her genuinely. After a second, Jo nodded.

"Yes, okay," she said, taking a deep breath. "I know you love me, I do. It's just, I'm so scared," she repeated again.

"I know. But that's okay. We will pull through this together, remember?" he smiled at her slightly, feeling stupid about the words they had been telling each other over and over again. He clutched her left hand shaping it into a little bowl, hesitating shortly, looking up at Jo's eyes for reassurance but only got confusion mirroring within her eyes. He chuckled. He let the rings slide down from the necklace into Jo's hand who tightened her grip on them immediately. "I'm not done," Alex told her sternly, making her smile.

"What are you doing?" she shook her head in amusement.

Alex didn't answer but took the rings out of her hand and turned it around. As soon as Jo had caught on, she turned her head around to look at the wall and tried to keep her tears in.

"Hey," Alex shushed her, stopping his actions, turning her face around to look at him, a single tear fleeing her eyes. He smiled. "I promise to love you forever and I will do everything in my power to make your life the most beautiful anyone of us could imagine… because you deserve it," he told her, and after giving her one more reassuring squeeze of her hand, he first pushed the engagement ring on her left ring finger, wedding ring following swiftly. He looked up at her face, seeing all the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.

"I love you, Alex," she sobbed, before he took her into his arms and kissed her passionately. They stood in the middle of the living room, completely oblivious of what was happening around them, trying to grasp as tightly to each other as possible. Jo was trying to savor every tiny second of their kiss. The passion, the need and want and love and hurt and desperate pain, the sweetness of Alex's gesture and the impact of what his promises meant. She could feel him kissing her so deeply, she almost buckled. She was just trying to get a better grip around Alex's neck before she could suddenly make out a heartbreakingly sharp cry of a baby and quick footsteps from the door. She flung around wide-eyed, feeling how her heart sunk into her guts. Lauren ran in hastily, looking desperate. Alex and Jo both rushed towards her with panic written across their faces.

"I'm so sorry, guys," Lauren started, shaking her head. "I swear I tried everything, she just wouldn't stop screaming," she explained. Jo took Madison over into her hands, trying to shush her. Alex stood by her side, kissing the baby's head and petting her back softly. Ethan who was still in Lauren's arm, looked a little distraught but okay.

"What happened?" Jo turned back to Lauren to find out everything they needed to know, while swiftly wiping her remaining tears out of her face.

"Well, when we drove away today at noon they both slept for another… hour I'd say. She started fussing and I got her up and took her temperature just as you asked me. It actually had come down to 101.4 which I thought was great. So, I just cradled her and gave her fluids. She had a whole bottle of water. I tried to feed her some carrots as well but she wouldn't open her mouth for me. She was quiet after that, wouldn't wanna sit up without me holding her, wouldn't wanna play, just stayed in my arms, indifferent to everything that was going on, eyes wide open, watching. I thought it would pass but then a little later she started screaming from one moment to the next, I really don't know what had happened. I took her temperature again, it was 102.1, diaper was clean, couldn't find anything weird on her… but she wouldn't stop screaming. I tried feeding her again, I tried everything… nothing worked. I'm so sorry guys, so sorry," Lauren concluded heartbrokenly.

"Don't worry, Lauren, everything's going to be fine. Calm down, you did the right thing, bringing her back home," Jo tried to soothe her, directing her towards the couch where she sat herself down with Ethan. "Is Ethan okay?" Lauren nodded.

"I took his temperature as well… just as a measure… to try to catch it early… but he's completely normal. No fever, playing and acting normal, eating his usual meal sizes, everything okay," she informed them, both following her statements closely. They nodded.

"Alright," Jo smiled at her and then looked down at Madison. "Oh, sweetie, what's wrong with you, baby girl?" She looked over at Alex who looked puzzled as well.

"How long has the temperature been up?" he asked his wife in concern, both looking down at the fussing baby.

"Since this morning. I took it at like… a little after eight when she started fussing wildly. She did take her breakfast though, just as usual. I don't actually think there's anything wrong with her, Alex," she looked over at him, seeing him ponder about it.

"We can't know until tomorrow, anyways. If there's nothing else except the fever there's no way of showing she's having an infection or at least which one. But I think you're right. She might have had a rough couple of days or she's teething again. Temperature going down after napping and up in the afternoon is a classic. So, I guess we shouldn't be worried, right, little miss? Yeah, you're having such a terrible time, oh baby, come here, sweetheart," he ended his musings with taking Madison over from Jo and putting her on his shoulder where she quieted down gradually. Jo looked at her daughter's back worriedly.

"Are you sure there isn't anything we should do?" Lauren asked, still seeming anxious. They both shook their head at her, Jo smiling slightly.

"We're doctors, it's okay, don't worry. If anything comes up in the next hours or overnight, we'll catch it. Really, Lauren, it's okay. She'll be fine, I promise," Alex told her. Jo walked over towards her and took Ethan out of her arms.

"Hey baby boy," she kissed him repeatedly making him chuckle. "Hi sweetie," she purred. "How was your day, huh? Did you have a better time than your sister? Yeah?" Jo cuddled him for a moment, before turning back towards Lauren. "Can I get you anything to drink? You look like you need to calm down a bit," she observed, smiling a small smile at her. Lauren took a deep breath.

"Yeah, that would be great," she murmured, rubbing her face.

"I'll get it," Alex noted before leaving the room towards the kitchen. Jo who had sat down next to Lauren, nodded at Alex and started petting the babysitter's knee understandingly.

"It's not your fault, Lauren, you know that, right? She had been carrying a fever before you left with them. And she'll be fine. She's just exhausted. Her small body can't take the strain of an infection yet. She just needs to sweat it out overnight. Don't fret, everything's going to be just fine," she said.

"But she calmed down immediately when Alex took her in," Lauren stated frantically, taking the soda can from Alex gratefully, almost tearing up. Jo smiled.

"Yeah, but that's just Alex. He has his ways with the kids. It doesn't reflect badly on you, trust me," Jo winked at the nanny who just nodded curtly.

They sat together for another little while before Lauren finally calmed down a good bit and was ready to leave. Alex kept sitting with Madison who seemed to be genuinely happy being cradled by her dad while he was watching TV whereas Jo was doing dinner and bathroom routines with Ethan. When she had put the boy down for the night, she walked downstairs and sat with Alex and Madison, who lay on her dad's stomach, sucking on her thumb, wide awake. Jo inched closer into Alex's side, residing face to face with the baby. She caressed her back slightly before turning around facing Alex.

"What do you wanna do?" Jo asked him, making him shrug and looking down at their precious.

"We should maybe put the pack'n'play into our room for tonight. Just to make sure she's doing okay," he told her, hidden worry lacing his voice. She smiled at him.

"You big softie. Can't sleep without keeping a controlling eye on your little girl, huh?" she accused him lovingly, turning serious again in a second. "But do you really think that's a good idea? She'd be sleeping a lot more comfortable in her crib. And within her familiar surroundings," Jo pointed out.

"It's not like the bedroom is too unfamiliar for her. Also, I really don't want Ethan to either get sick as well or wake up and have a bad night's sleep because of her fussing. Let's just try it for tonight and then we'll go from what we know tomorrow, alright?"

They agreed on the plan eventually and Alex got Madison ready to go to bed and put her in the pack'n'play that they had set up in their bedroom spontaneously. He stayed with her until she had fallen asleep and walked downstairs again to meet with Jo. He sighed when sitting down at the couch and rubbed his eyes.

"You should have told me about Madison," he accused her immediately.

"She's fine, you said so yourself," Jo gave back indifferently, munching on a piece of pizza, watching the on-goings of the show on screen dazedly.

"This is something important to talk about, Jo. It could have been a lot more serious," Alex wouldn't let it go. Jo looked over at him in offense.

"I know that," she spat out sharply. "Are you saying you do not trust me with making good decisions about our kids' health?" Alex rolled his eyes at her statement.

"You know that's not what I mean," he defended himself, sick of fighting about stuff they both knew weren't like that at all.

"Well, it sure sounds like it. I would have told you if you had resided amongst the living this morning. I would have told you if we hadn't have fifteen other serious things to talk about. She's fine. She had a temperature but she's fine. Nothing much to worry about, don't freak out," Jo told him off in a bitchy voice.

"I'm not freaking out. I know she'll be fine and I know you are competent enough to judge the situation right, I didn't doubt that. You gotta listen to me more closely. I just said, you should have told me. Even though it wasn't serious. But you should have told me. They're my kids as well, you know? I wanna know what's going on with them even though I might have missed something because I was at work or sleeping or drinking or whatever. I just wanna know things," he countered explanatory. Jo snorted.

"Really? You wanna know things?" Jo couldn't help but fume again. "YOU WANNA KNOW THINGS?" she yelled at him, furious with him about being so dumb and blind and seemingly unable to see what the point of all this was. Alex looked back at her in surprise, not having anticipated such a steep drop of emotions.

"Whoa, Jo," he tried to calm her.

"No, listen to me," Jo started back fiercely. "I have been begging you to tell me things. I have been begging you to let me in on stuff. I have been trying so hard to make you see that it feels crappy to such an excruciating extent to not know about stuff. So, shut the hell up, asking me to be sorry because I hadn't told you about Madison sooner. I know she's sporting a fever and I know she's your daughter and you worry about her. But she's fine. And I forgot. Okay? I forgot! I'm sorry! But I did because there's like a thousand other things at the moment that we seem to not be able to handle. So please, stop acting like you can't see the parallels," she yelled.

"It's not that easy, you know. It's freaking tiring to tell you story after story after story. It's exhausting to relive everything. Of course I need to tell you things, I know that, trust me, it's just… it's not only that I have to tell you what happened but I have to relive it for you. I have to go back and think about sometimes painful things I really don't wanna think about. And worst thing about it is… you don't remember. I know, that sounds stupid because I'm telling you just _because _you can't remember. But telling you all these stories…all these happy stories with happy endings and you know… stuff you find really funny or make you hit me because I behaved badly… it's hard to tell you about those and then you're like… I can't imagine that happening to me at all… and then I feel terrible because you can't remember _any-freaking-thing_ concerning our marriage. Not one thing. You can't remember falling in love with me, you can't remember how you couldn't wait for me to propose again, you can't remember the tears you shed when I finally did, you can't remember standing opposite each other and promising each other a future together, you can't remember how we were having the babies, and how happy we were. You can't remember anything. You just can't remember. And to me, every freaking time you ask me to tell you a story about something, it's like someone is stabbing me over and over and over again because it makes me feel like I'm making up stories because the only other person that could verify this all happened, is you. But you can't. So, yes, I'm sick and tired of telling you stories. I'm sorry, I really am. And I'm not saying I'm not doing it anymore. Of course, I will tell you as many as you need to hear. But you need to cut me some slack, Jo. Sometimes I just can't hear myself talk anymore. And last night was one of those days. I just couldn't. And I'm so, so sorry I hurt you. I am. But you're not the only one suffering through this. I am, too," Alex sighed heavily before trying to make his point, looking over at Jo who had grown very quiet. "So, please, Jo, there _is _a difference between you telling me about Madison and me telling you about how we fell in love," he said. There was a short silence when both of them tried to collect all their thoughts.

"But there isn't a difference between me telling you about Madison and you telling me about the board meeting," Jo pointed out weakly, watching his reaction closely.

"Yeah, you're right on that one. I'm sorry I snapped about it. Last night I couldn't distinguish one thing from the other anymore. I wouldn't have snapped about you asking about Malawi, either. I just… everything came down on me at once and I couldn't differentiate between what was the problem itself and what was just too much to handle at that moment. So, yeah, I'm sorry for just… blowing you off like that," he offered.

"It's okay," Jo gave him a tiny smile. "But what's not okay is the fact that you seem to not be able to help me with my recovery anymore," she added quietly.

"No, Jo, I didn't say I'm not able to or I won't. I will, absolutely. I just… I begged for some understanding. I just can't re-tell you everything without being emotional about it. I might seem like a robot but I'm not, trust me," Alex tried to joke.

"I know that, baby, I know," Jo looked over at Alex with hurt in her eyes. They shared a long gaze after which they both sighed. "You know, that'll sound so childish. But right now, I just wanna call a time out somehow… I just… can't fight anymore. I mean, I'm not even sure what else there is to talk about… I know, there's a whole lot to still talk about… but for right now… I really just wanna be done with today. I'm so tired. And as much as I hate to say it… I really don't wanna hear it anymore," she chuckled slightly, trying to read his reaction on his face. He joined in immediately.

"It's fine. I really don't wanna fight anymore, either," he admitted, leaning back into the couch.

"Are we good, though?" Jo glanced at him unsurely.

"Of course, we are," Alex told her instantly. "I mean… unless we're not?"

Jo smiled at his reply. "No, no, absolutely. This day was _really_ messy… my head is all over the place," she confessed. "We have approached so many subjects and I haven't even begun to understand half of them," she laughed exhaustedly. "But we're good. At least, I need us to be good because I _really_ need a massage right now," she twinkled her eyes at him. Alex laughed out loud at this, shaking his head.

"You are unbelievable," he replied, pulling her closer, tucking her under his long arm and running his fingers up and down her back soothingly, both trying to process what all they had talked and fought about that day, just glad to still have ended up in each other's arms at last.


	33. Chapter 33

**Hey everyone! For this chapter, let me advise you- if you really wanna get into Jo's head, unpack your MP3-Players or YouTube, depending on if you know the songs mentioned or not, it'll probably be worth listening into the lyrics! Enjoy!**

They stayed on the couch for another few hours before walking upstairs quietly and spending a night of sleeping and waking due to Madison's frequent cries and fusses and woke up in the morning, tired as ever. Madison was already sitting up in her makeshift crib, looking a lot better than the day before. Her parents watched her from their bed, Alex spooning Jo from behind, his arm wrapped around her lazily, their fingers entwined.

"I don't wanna get up today," Jo groaned, yawning widely. Alex smirked knowingly. They lay in silence for a bit, enjoying the peace while Maddie was still quietly playing with her blanket and pacifier.

"You know what," Alex whispered after a while. "I know exactly what to do with ourselves today," he exclaimed.

"Yeah, me too. You will go in and apologize for being a drunken asshole who ditches important meetings and then actually lead one of those meetings and I will try to not fall asleep while juggling the twins," she replied softly.

"Yeah, yeah," Alex waved her comment away, dryly. "I'll go in. But I won't be any longer than noon. It's my day off, and I already know how we're going to spend it," he offered excitedly.

"You took your 'day off' yesterday, Mister. I don't think you are important enough to actually be 'allowed' to stay away this often," Jo pointed out, comfortable in his tight embrace.

"Uuugh, don't be a killjoy. I promise I will manage all my stuff sufficiently before making your day, alright? I'm not compromising my career. But today, today is the perfect day for this," he smiled, completely abuzz with whatever idea he was having.

"Perfect day for what?"

"You'll see," he just replied, making her turn around within his embrace and narrowing her eyes at him. He just chuckled and pecked her lips. "It's going to be awesome!"

"I don't like to be kept in the dark, you should know that," she pouted.

"But it's a lot more fun this way," Alex laughed, "And also, I wanna prevent having you chicken out later," he told her sheepishly. Jo raised her eyebrows at him.

"So, it's something dangerous and/or stupid? You could have led with that," she looked at him skeptically.

"It's neither dangerous nor stupid. It's fun and…, " Alex started, trying to think of a word that would describe his plans somehow but not give anything away. "…productive," he finished.

"Okay," she grinned at him, rolling her eyes at his secrecy.

"You'll be fine, you'll see," he murmured through light kisses to her neck and shoulders, making her sigh.

"Why can't we just spend a normal day?"

"Because… we need some… spirit," Alex suckled on a sensitive spot right underneath Jo's left ear making her eyes flutter close. He hadn't gone _there_ in a long, long while. Last time he did that, he wasn't even _really _aware of doing it, Jo remembered. "All the frustration and insecurity and stuff… we need a break from it. And as it happens I thought of the most perfect thing to make that happen. So just roll with me, alright? I'll arrange everything, you won't have to lift a single hand," he promised her. She nodded silently, still being engrossed in what Alex did to her with his lips.

"You had me at spirit," she breathed out. She held on tightly to the back of his head when he shifted a tiny bit and kissed up a trail of light pecks to her neck, towards her chin, finishing with a long kiss to her lips.

"Hey," she broke the kiss to murmur against his lips. "Can I ask you something without you getting mad immediately?" Alex frowned when she had finished her question.

"Sure, what's up?" he pulled away an inch to have a shot at her eyes.

"About the sex… I mean, I told you I'd give you time to figure it out, and I will, totally. I just… please don't ignore it again, okay? I mean, please think about it actively, so it won't take too long and please just… don't not talk about it, okay? I don't wanna be the one who asks you about it every day. It's creepy and It'll feel like sexual harrassment to me," she finished with a chuckle. Alex stroked her cheek before nodding. He leaned back in to kiss her again, this time a little more heatedly.

"And Alex," she broke the kiss again to see him roll his eyes. Her soft eyes changed to glaring ones in a heartbeat and he looked at her warily. "_Do not tease me," _she spat out, clearly frustrated with his half-going at it. "I swear I will _make_ you sleep with me if you won't respect my boundaries. As creepy as _that _sounds," she told him, making him laugh even more. He groaned, hugging her to him.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Most of the time I just can't help it. It feels so good to touch you," he admitted sheepishly.

"Well, then get the thinking going, get over yourself, and get ready to have your world rocked," Jo stared him down mockingly, eyes narrowed, building a little smirk. Alex chuckled. Jo pecked his lips again, before pulling away and rolling herself over to the edge of the bed to look at Madison.

"It does feel too good," she murmured to herself, although Alex could clearly make it out and smiled quietly. "Good morning, baby girl," she whispered towards Maddie. "How are you feeling today? Any better?" she asked, picking the little girl up to cuddle her. Maddie smiled underneath her pacifier. When Jo pulled it out, the girl looked at her momma strangely making her laugh. "Look at her face," she lifted Maddie a little higher for Alex to see. He chuckled.

"Yeah, she can't be sick anymore if she's mad at you for taking her pacifier away," he agreed.

"Are you gonna have a shower? Can you just shower her down real quick beforehand so she'll cool down some more," Jo questioned Alex, while she looked at the thermometer. "It's 99,1. That's good. She's fine," she added. Alex nodded and got up, taking Madison with him. Meanwhile, Jo walked over towards Ethan who was awake and looking around the room helplessly, making Jo give him her saddest smile.

"Aw, baby boy, you miss your sister? Oh, come here, sweetheart," she picked him up immediately and pulled him closer. He snuggled against her without making a sound. "It's okay, Madison is fine. She'll be sleeping with you from tonight on, again. She kissed him repeatedly before changing his diapers and getting him dressed. She walked over to the master bedroom, knocking at the bathroom door.

"You done?"

"Yeah, give me a second," he told her before opening the door. Jo laughed out loud. Madison was wrapped in one of their big white soft bath towels looking like a polar bear. The baby gave them a dismissive look when they all laughed at her. Jo took her over before Ethan grabbed his sister's nose wildly.

"Hey," Jo warned the baby, not having a hand to stop him from hurting his sister. "Alex, make him stop," she urged him who had turned away again to get his own shower going.

"Hey, hey, hey, what's going on, Mister?" he started, trying to get his hand off of Madison's face.

"I think he's mad because he woke up all alone this morning," Jo informed him, looking down at the babies almost looking like they were glaring at each other.

"You really think he realized that?"

"Yeah, of course he did. He may only be 9 months but first of all, he's super smart. I mean he's probably gonna invent a time machine or something… maybe he's going to inform us that there's life on Mars," Jo got going, Alex shaking his head laughing about her silliness. "And second of all, they haven't slept apart since the day they were born. Of course he realizes. You should have seen the face he was giving me when I went over to get him," Jo told Alex frantically.

"Alright, alright," Alex lifted his hands in the air. "Okay, I really gotta get showered, otherwise, I'll be late again," he said, turning around and going back in. Jo started their morning with breakfast and some music, the twins both bouncing in their high chairs to the beats. When she could hear Alex stamp down the stairs, she poured him some coffee in a to-go-mug and turned to talk to him. He chuckled at the sight of their kids dancing in their seats and suckling on their bottles before making his way over towards Jo, putting his bag on the counter.

"I will try to handle everything as quickly as I can and then I'll call you, alright?" he smiled at her gratefully, when she placed the coffee on the countertop in front of him. She nodded, awaiting more information. "Maybe once I'll call you, you could drive over to the hospital to meet with me. We'll go from there, alright?" he thought about it for a minute. She nodded again. After a moment of silence and Jo staring him down amusedly, she spoke up.

"Do we all need some kind of… bad weather gear or something?" she tried to steer the conversation towards what they were going to do. He smirked at her knowingly, before kissing her cheek and turning towards the door.

"Yeah, I'm not going to answer this. You won't need anything in particular. Just dress casually. As usual," he told her, winking before saying his good-byes to the kids and rushing out. Jo rolled his eyes at Alex before walking over to the twins again, joining their party.

The morning went by slowly with the kids playing by themselves mostly and Jo trying to catch up on some more basic textbook reading. She was a little nervous. She had arranged her first day of work for Monday, which meant, only six days left. She wanted to be prepared. She needed to get it over with smoothly. If that first day went smoothly, she was sure that she would find herself become more confident about the rest. She sighed, looking down at the step-by-step report of a tonsillectomy. She knew how to do a stupid tonsillectomy. This was stupid. She wasn't going to prepare herself much going over intern stuff. She hadn't forgotten those kinds of procedures. It was the freaking huge amount of rest that she couldn't remember… but then she also didn't know how to prepare for that, whatever that was. Jo sighed, closing the million pages of the textbook noisily, making Madison who was sitting closest startle.

Shortly after 11, she could make out her cell phone that she had left lying around in the kitchen. She ran over quickly to retrieve it and picked up the call.

"Hey," she said a little out of breath, strolling back into the living room.

"What's with you?" Alex chuckled slightly.

"Oh, I just sprinted to get my phone from the kitchen," she explained, taking a sip of water.

"Oh, alright. So, I'm pretty much done with today already. The meeting was postponed until tomorrow since Nkumbwa and our attorney have another sitting with the president later this afternoon and we thought it might help us advance. I don't have any patients for right now, so you can come meet me anytime," Alex told her busily.

"Alright. Is this going to include the kids at all?" she realized she hadn't asked him before.

"Um, just take them," he told her matter-of-factly, and she could hear him whisper something towards a nurse or someone.

"Okay," she concluded. "I'll be right over," she said, hanging up. She got the twins ready and grabbed the already packed diaper bags and whatnot before walking out the door and driving over to the hospital. She parked and took the kids out to walk in, since she had forgotten to ask Alex about where to meet or wait. She took the elevator upstairs and walked out towards the nurses' station. Jo had barely made it around the corner when she heard squeals coming her way. Before she knew it, two women had taken both of her kids out of her arms and cuddled them.

"Oh, baby boy, I have missed you, yes I have missed you so much. Your mommy never comes by to say hi," Arizona purred towards Ethan with the most ridiculous voice Jo thought she must have ever heard. She laughed at her, giving Arizona a side hug.

"How are you?" the older one questioned her immediately, still beaming at the baby.

"I'm good, everything's good," Jo replied, looking over at Callie who was tickling Madison making her scream. "And how are you guys?"

"Oh, perfect, now that we get to babysit these treasures," Callie answered joyfully, kissing Maddie's cheek. "Right? We're going to have so much fun? With Sofia and Zola coming by after school?" Meanwhile, Jo had raised her eyebrows at their rambling.

"So," she started, making them both look at her. "You are relieving me of my kids?"

They laughed good-naturedly, looking back at their respective twin. "Yes, daddy is going to hijack mommy for a while and you guys are going to stay with us, right? Isn't that going to be fun?" Callie chirped up. Jo nodded questioningly.

"Any idea what Alex is planning?" Jo tried her luck with the couple. Callie turned her face back towards Jo and smirked.

"Yeah, Wilson, we're not dumb. We know he's surprising you," she told her off for going behind Alex's back. Jo sighed, rolling her eyes.

"You are going to love it, I promise," Arizona told Jo with a friendly expression. "Alex can be such a sweetheart," she added, making Jo smile.

"Now I'm definitely scared," she said, chuckling.

"Jo," Stephanie called out, taking a few steps back not having seen her before. She turned around to look at a doctor who seemed to be her intern who got lost instantly. She walked over to her friend and hugged her. "You didn't call me," Stephanie looked at Jo sternly, still smiling. Jo made an apologetic face remembering her promise.

"I'm so sorry, Steph, I totally forgot," she confessed, slightly embarrassed.

"It's fine," Stephanie waved her away, kissing Ethan's cheek lightly. "How's everything going? Are you okay?" she looked at her, trying to form rather neutral sentences with Torres and Robbins standing right next to them.

"I'm perfect, really," Jo smiled at Stephanie, nodding. "Everything's okay," she repeated since Stephanie's face was showing suspense.

They all walked into the attendings' lounge getting some coffee and meeting some more doctors, including Jackson, April and Meredith who all greeted her joyfully.

"Wow, don't you guys ever work?" Jo joked seeing all of them just relax and chat. "Every time I come in here, it's packed," she chuckled to herself. "I sure should get back to work, being an attending apparently has its perks," she winked at them. They all laughed merrily.

"Here you are," Alex came in looking a little out of breath. She looked over her shoulder, seeing Alex enter, Lucy following him, going straight over to the coffee machine before waving to Jo. Alex walked up behind Jo and hugged her, kissing her neck and whispering into her ear. "If you think you can make any of them talk, think again," he murmured in a low voice making her beam widely, shaking her head.

"No, no, I do realize they're all your bitches," she whispered back before turning her head slightly towards him and pecking his lips softly. Then she turned it back towards all the people and realized something else.

"So you _all_ know what he's doing with me today?" she looked at them wide-eyed, all of them nodding with a big grin. She rolled her eyes at him sighing.

"You'll love it," Lucy said, standing closer with her freshly brewed coffee in her hands. Jo smiled at her.

"Are you sure he did his amends, though?"

Lucy chuckled at Jo's question, nodding. "It's fine. We'll start being productive tomorrow. Then they can all work it out over the holidays, really, it's fine. Go ahead, have some fun," she told her good-naturedly. "Thanks for making him come in, though," she winked at her colleague's wife.

"Well, somebody had to kick his ass, right?" Jo replied, feeling how Alex's arms squeezed her a little tighter and while looking over towards her babies, she saw Meredith give him a meaningful smile and look. She squirmed a little uncomfortably not quite as chilled for so many people seemed to know what was going on with them. Or at least Meredith did. But well, she couldn't be mad at Alex. _She _had told Stephanie about their fight all the same.

She sighed and got Alex to unwrap her before dropping the diaper bag with Callie and looked at her worriedly. "You sure you'll be fine taking care of them?" she asked her in concern.

"Get lost, already," the orthopedic surgeon came back readily. "We'll be fine."

Jo rolled her eyes and turned around towards Alex to signal she was ready.

"You guys have fun," Meredith chimed up before they both walked towards the door. They had just reached it when Madison started fussing and reaching towards their parents. Jo turned around immediately, giving her a pained face.

"Go," Callie mouthed at her sternly, while Alex kept pushing Jo out the door.

"They'll be fine," Alex reassured her, pulling her towards the elevator.

"Alex, she's sick. She wants her parents. Are you sure we can't postpone our trip?"

Alex rolled her eyes at her, shoving her into the empty elevator. "She's not sick anymore. She's fine. Just relax and enjoy having some time off. I want you to be as comfortable as possible today," he told her, squeezing her hand that he had grabbed earlier. She looked up at him in part concern, part overwhelming love.

"I really can't wait for you to tell me what the hell it is you are planning," she smiled, making him step closer.

"I really hope you'll be as excited about it as everyone I've told," he chuckled, pecking her lips again.

"I'm surprised you talked about it to so many people. I wouldn't have judged you as the chatty kind," she winked at him, before kissing him again. Their kiss instantly took a life of its own, as it had been for a while now with all their kisses. Jo knew that was bad. At some point they weren't going to be able to stop and turn around and as much as she was annoyed with Alex not wanting to sleep with her, she respected his wishes. Nothing good was coming from pushing him towards something he didn't want. Yet. He may regret it later. She breathed in his scent and moaned into his mouth, feeling how Alex's hand had found its way to her bottom. He groaned slightly, realizing this was bad the very same moment but not able to let go either. It was ridiculous. She was probably right, there wasn't anything reasonable he could argue with about them not having sex. They needed each other and it got more ridiculous every day. But every time this thought shot through Alex's mind, his guts immediately cramped. As stupid as this feeling was, he couldn't quite get rid of it. Maybe he should really talk to her about it… maybe she could help him with it. But then again, she would only hit him and tell him he was being stupid. They broke the kiss when the elevator doors dinged and ran right into Elliot, making them all sigh.

"Hi," Elliot said, sheepishly.

"Hey," Jo said back, smiling slightly.

"Aren't you supposed to be out of here already?" Alex questioned him in annoyance, pulling Jo closer to him.

"I was just going up to finalize all the papers with the chief," Elliot explained. "I'll be out of here by the end of the hour, I promise," he looked at them apologetically.

"It's fine, Elliot, don't worry, we're out of here anyways," Jo said, tugging Alex towards the entrance. "Good luck," she voiced quietly towards him, so Alex wouldn't hear. He smiled at her sadly before the elevator doors hit close and they had walked out of the hospital swiftly, climbing into Alex's car.

"He quit," Alex enlightened her when he started the engine.

"Oh, really? I thought they must have fired him," Jo answered, ponderingly.

"Nah. He presented before the board and was confronted with all the facts and I think when he realized what was going on… with the board and the chief and the police involved, he stepped back," Alex explained, looking over at her cautiously.

"Oh, okay. Well, thanks for telling me, Alex," she told him with a smile, grabbing his hand.

"Well, I should have told you earlier, as established. Good thing you only ran into him when I was with you," he concluded.

"Yeah, about that," Jo coughed up. "I actually did meet him yesterday. I got your car from the hospital after your night out… and I ran into him," she told him, watching his reaction closely. She couldn't make out what he was thinking, him having put a mask on. Jo sighed. "It's fine, Alex, we talked and I told him to stay away and he apologized and we went separate ways right after. Stephanie was there, too. I was okay," she assured him.

"Sorry," Alex mumbled, pulling up her hand and kissing it. "I didn't realize when you threw it at my head yesterday that you were actually talking about experience," he told her.

"Yeah, that was intentional. I wasn't going to bring _that _up also, I think we would have escalated," she smiled at him. He looked over at her swiftly when the lights switched to red.

"Good call," he said, sheepishly. They locked eyes for a moment.

"Dr. Fields is growing on me, though," Jo winked at him, changing subjects. Alex snorted.

"How so?"

"Well, when I called her yesterday morning I thought she was kind of bitchy. But then she calmed down after talking to her for a bit and today she was really nice actually," Jo recalled. Alex chewed on this for a second before clearing his throat.

"In light of being honest with each other," Alex said slowly, Jo raising her eyebrows. "You should probably know that Lucy and I have history," he said, turning to look at Jo's expression. She snorted.

"Of course you do," she laughed. Now it was Alex's turn to raise his eyebrows quizzically. "Well," Jo sighed, seeing his confusion. "Who don't you have history with at the hospital?" He rolled his eyes.

"Do you actually know how big this hospital is and how many employees we have? There's no freaking way I have history with all female staff," he pointed out. She laughed about the direction of his reply.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Still, it doesn't surprise me. She was all awkward towards me when we first met," Jo told him again. He nodded.

"Yeah, she's always been like that. She _kind of _has _you _to thank for her job," he said.

"How so?" Jo frowned.

"When the project started growing rapidly, we needed all hands on deck. When Lucy was brought in – actually via some African co-worker – I was concerned that it might not be the best idea for us to work together," he said. "Since we kind of parted badly. You begged differently, though. You pointed out that even though we have history, it would be stupid to let a talented and experienced doctor pass by. We needed anyone, really," Alex told her. Jo smiled.

"Good. So I _did_ know before," she singled out that thought. Alex nodded.

"Yeah, of course you knew," he told her, surprised. Jo smiled again.

"I love how you seem to think it's a ridiculous thought of me to not know stuff about the other's past," she pointed out, squeezing his hand, when he pulled into a parking lot.

"It _is _ridiculous. I mean you aren't the person to push for information or pull jealous stunts. But I'm not the person to lie, either," he told her matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," she chuckled, leaning over to kiss him when he had killed the engine. "Thanks for telling me again, though," she said. "I'm glad you don't think it'd be a problem for me to know now."

He smiled at her before she looked up and studied the premises. "Lebackes Pediatric Surgeons," she read on a huge sign on top of the modern looking building. "I've heard that name before," she mused, looking over at Alex. "What are we doing here?"

"I told you about it, remember," he tried to coax her. "This is the private practice I worked for a while after finishing my fellowship." Jo's eyes widened, nodding appreciatively.

"Oh yeah, that's it. Lebackes. I knew I heard it somewhere. So what exactly are we doing here?"

"Just wait," he grinned at her, climbing out of the car and pulling her towards the entrance. Jo groaned in frustration. They entered the building, encountering a huge waiting room that looked very fancy to her and going straight to the registration desk. "Hey Jenna," Alex greeted the middle aged woman sitting behind the counter.

"Dr. Karev," she squealed, getting up with a huge smile on her face and hugging him tightly. "We haven't seen you around here in ages," she said scolding him lightly, her eyes glancing over Jo who was standing beside her husband.

"Jenna, this is my wife, Jo Wilson," he told her, introducing her.

"Oh," she immediately lightened up, squeezing Jo's hand tightly. "I have heard so much about you," she said, beaming at her. Jo's heart skipped a beat for the secretary welcoming her so graciously. "What a pleasure seeing both of you," she repeated, looking up at them expectantly. "Are you here to see Dr. Lebackes?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, he knows I'm coming. Does he have a patient with him or can I pop in really quick?" he asked Jenna, pulling out a couple of forms from his bag, turning them away from Jo when realizing she was trying to make out what they were about and grinned.

"No, he surely has a minute for you, go on and head in," she told him.

"Wait here for a second, will you?" Alex looked over at Jo. She nodded. He rounded the registration desk and knocked at a door on the left, entering immediately. Jo looked back at the secretary, a little uncomfortable not knowing how to proceed.

"Would you like some coffee, Dr. Wilson?" Jenna offered her instantly. Jo agreed happily and they walked over to a little kitchen. While Jenna busied herself with pouring out the coffee for Jo, she pondered.

"So, do you know anything about what Alex's secret plans are?" she started her investigation up again. Jenna turned around to look at her in amusement.

"Secret plans?" she giggled lightly. Jo nodded. "I have no idea," the other woman smiled at her. "Sounds intriguing, though," she smiled, shoving the mug into her hands. "Sugar?"

Jo shook her head gratefully, following the secretary out to the waiting room and sitting on a chair that Jenna had pulled out for her. She watched her do some business and talk to patients while waiting. Several minutes later, she saw Alex opening the door to the office again, strolling out with another very tall, handsome looking man who must have been Dr. Lebackes. They chuckled.

"You know, when you told me I still owe you, I didn't think you would demand something that pleasant from me," Dr. Lebackes remarked towards Alex, who laughed.

"Well, I'm glad you think that way. This really helps, actually," Alex replied, looking down at the forms.

"You know your way around, right? Just take anything you need. Make sure Dr. Wilson signs the forms though, we don't wanna mess with the authorities, right?" the older doctor reminded him good-naturedly, while Alex nodded. "I already called Holly, they'll be ready whenever you are," he told him, his face looking over to where Jenna and Jo were sitting, his eyes lighting up immediately. "Jo, it's so good to see you," he called over to her, waving. She smiled at him politely, surprised about him seemingly knowing her well. "Come find me later, I wanna hear all about it," he winked at her, strolling over to the waiting room and finding his next patient.

"Thanks, man," Alex yelled after him before walking over towards them and putting one of the forms in front of her, flipping through the pages to get to one specifically, instructing her to sign the papers.

"What are they?" Jo frowned at him suspiciously.

"Just sign them, already," Alex urged her. Jo shook her head.

"Alex, this looks like an official contract," she told him a little affronted. "I'm not just gonna sign this, not knowing what it is," she looked up at him expectantly. He sighed.

"Please, just sign them. I promise you're not entering some kind of contract or agreeing to something you don't want to. It's just. We need this to continue," Alex looked at her pleadingly.

"Why don't you just tell me what it is we're about to do?"

"Because," he pouted. "I want it to be a surprise," he said, stomping his foot. Jo laughed at his silly fake tantrum and looked at him, feeling torn.

"Alex, I can't just sign a contract. This is serious. What if it gets me into trouble?" she looked at him, pleadingly as well, seeing how Jenna had succumbed to watching them in amusement.

"Jo, I promise you, nothing will happen if you sign this. It's just official forms. And besides, I should probably tell you, you overcame your fear of signing anything 'official' years ago," he winked at her. She rolled her eyes at him, smiling about how pleasantly surprised she was about him knowing her so well. She sighed, looking down at the contract. "Pleeease," Alex whined.

"Alright, alright," Jo said, switching off all reason for a second for the benefit of Alex's happy day, taking the pen from him and signing. "Just promise I will not regret this, alright?" He nodded at her vigorously. He took the contract papers from her and put them on Jenna's desk, winking at her.

"You know what to do with them," he said, smiling charmingly. Jo's eyes widened at Jenna's smile.

"You played me? You _did_ know what he was planning?" she asked the other woman in fake offense. The other one nodded happily, making Alex laugh.

"Come on, grumpy," he said, pulling her from the office chair and leading her towards the back of the practice building. He entered a storage room, rummaging around for something and eventually shoving plastic wrapped scrubs into Jo's hands, taking some himself.

"Alex? What the hell are we doing here?" Jo asked him suspiciously. He winked at her, guiding her towards another door.

"If you think hard about it, you already know," he said, turning around and pecking her lips. "Go in here and come back when you're done changing," he told her and pushed her inside another room. Jo sighed. _What the hell? Why would she need scrubs?_ She did as he told her, locking her stuff in what seemed to be an empty locker and looking herself in the mirror, considering her outer appearance. She hadn't seen herself in scrubs in a very long time. She liked the turquoise color of them. But she was still confused. _He wasn't going to make her do something medical, right?_

When she stepped out to the corridor again, Alex was already waiting for her, smiling. "I have missed you wearing scrubs," he said, stepping closer and pecking her lips again. "Come on," he took her hand and pulled her towards the very back of the corridor, opening a door and jogging down the staircase. When they got out, they entered a scrub room.

"I take it you remember how to scrub," Alex winked at her. She nodded slightly, intimidated.

"Alex, I don't know what you are up to but I'm in no means ready for going into the OR," she told him, feeling insecure about voicing it for dubbing it ridiculous to even be allowed to step into an OR within the premises of an unfamiliar private practice where she didn't even have any privileges – _oh, no, Alex you didn't. You made me sign a contract to give me privileges for that day. And of course the whole board at the hospital knew about it because they had needed to extend insurance coverage for me. _Jo looked at Alex exasperatedly who was watching her catch on.

"You are, I'm right with you," he smiled at her, starting to rinse his hands. She looked at him, propping her head towards her shoulder.

"Alex, I haven't seen the inside of an OR in months. I can't remember most of my surgical career. Do you really think the parents of this young child," at this she paused slightly, looking how a little girl was wheeled into the operating room, "would agree to let me 'rehearse' on their child?"

"The parents of this little girl know me very well. I have actually operated on their older son a couple of years ago. I won't let you do anything to her that will harm her, I promise," he winked at her. When she still hesitated, he sighed. "Look, Jo, this gives you the opportunity to ease into surgery again. Nobody knows you here, nobody watches you. It's only me and you, the anesthesiologist and the scrub nurse. It's only us in there. I want you to realize that being back in the OR is something to look forward to. I want you to lose some of your fears and concerns. That's the reason why I didn't tell you before. But you're going back into work on Monday and you are going to have to get over it sometime. And I think it will do you a lot better if you have the chance to do so without the prying eyes of the entire hospital on you," he concluded, looking back at her. Jo sighed, looking at him realizing what he had done for her.

"Oh Alex," she sighed softly, smiling a tiny smile at him. He smiled.

"Just scrub in already and don't get all mushy," he said, chuckling. She walked over standing next to him, loosening her rings off of her finger and putting them on the necklace.

"Take mine, too," he told her pointing at his wedding ring lying on top of the sink. She smiled, doing as he told her. They stood in silence for a minute, scrubbing. Jo could feel how nervousness creeped into her guts. _Was she ready for this? _But then she felt how exhilarated she was feeling, having Alex by her side, knowing nothing bad would happen as long as he was there. She looked up at the on goings in the operating room. She looked at that little girl. She was so young.

"Alright, Wilson, tell me everything you know about appendectomies," he looked over at her sharply, making her eyes widen. She chuckled, her heart almost bursting with love for Alex. He smiled back at her, knowing she was positively surprised about the fact that they were 'only' doing an appendectomy and she _did _know how to do that. Jo started to recall the details of the procedure out loud with Alex making remarks and questioning her moves now and again. He waited for her to finish scrubbing and they both entered the OR, the scrub nurse awaiting them with sanitized towels and their gear.

"Well, hi there, Madeline," Alex walked over towards the little girl lying on the operating table with a huge smile that he reserved only for his tiny patients. Jo had to smile at him. He was such a natural. The little girl looked up at the doctors with fear in her eyes.

"Hi doctor Alex," she croaked out, her voice slightly shivering.

"It's okay, Madeline, everything's going to be fine. We're going to let you sleep for a while before we fix your tummy ache, alright? Once you wake up, everything will be better, okay?" he continued, looking down at the girl.

"You can call me Maddie," the little girl smiled up at him, blushing a little. _Oh sweetheart. _Jo thought to herself, trying to not get soft knees regarding the adorable girl. Alex raised his eyebrows at her and chuckled lightly.

"You know what, Maddie? That's perfect. Dr. Jo here, who will help make you better today, and I, we have two little babies at home as well. They're called Ethan and Maddie. Baby girl is actually called Madison but you definitely share your nickname, right? You know what else you girls have in common?" he asked her, the girl smiling brightly, shaking her head. "We will take _very_ good care of you today, alright? Just as we do with our little Maddie. We'll be with you all the way through, I promise, okay?" Maddie nodded happily.

"Alright, are you ready to take your little nap?" he asked her, awaiting her nod. When she did, he gave the anesthesiologist a sign and walked towards the instruments, bumping into Jo. He chuckled. "No, Jo, you're on the wrong side," he told her, making her stop.

"What? No! I'm not going to lead the surgery, please, Alex, I'm not ready," she pleaded with him.

"Yes, you are. Get your ass over there, I'm your intern for today," he told her, winking. She sighed deeply, narrowing her eyes at him but did as he told her eventually. They shared a gaze standing opposite each other rounding on Madison. When after a minute, they still hadn't begun Jo opened her mouth to say something. Alex stopped her, raising his hand gently.

"Jo," he said his eyes boring into hers. "I just want you to take a deep breath and close your eyes for a minute. Visualize what you are about to do," he instructed her, Jo following stat. He smiled at her focused demeanor for a second before continuing. "Think about the first couple of steps you are going to take," he gave her a minute.

"Okay," she breathed out, still not opening her eyes.

"Good. Now, try to relax. Put your mind in a good place for a moment and listen to this," he told her, motioning for the nurse to start the record he had brought into the OR. It only took 2 seconds for Jo realizing what Alex had just given her. Realizing how far he had reached to make her truly be comfortable with going at this. She smiled underneath her surgical mask, leaving her eyes closed. She would recognize that song anywhere. She took a deep breath and felt as the tension washed away and she only focused on the sharp beat of one of her most favorite records by Leonard Cohen. _Different Sides. _

She knew the song well. She knew its beats, its rhythm, she knew its structure. It only took 8 seconds for the drums to set in, and it only took 14 seconds to lay out the base for the whole thing. At 15 seconds, Leonard started his hymn, rasping away in his low-pitched, soothing voice, and simultaneously, Jo knew she was ready for this.

"Ten blade, please," she said with a steady voice, holding out her hand in anticipation. When the nurse complied with her request, she opened her eyes, matching them with Alex's who was smiling underneath his mask, nodding at her. She marked her incision and cut. Something inside her sprang to life. It felt good to make that first cut after what felt like ages. She opted for a rather small incision, matching the little girl's size. Alex held the retractors while she demanded surgical scissors to cut the peritoneum. When she was done, she looked down into the peritoneal cavity.

"Talk to me," Alex whispered towards her, not wanting to disturb her surgical flow which he knew she enjoyed at the moment. He knew his wife. She could maybe forget how to do certain procedures. But she wouldn't forget basic movements. He watched her steady hands move over to give her more room to assess the appendix.

"It actually doesn't look like there's a whole lot of inflamed tissue," she reported back dutifully. "Given her size and age, we should probably progress through an antegrade technique. She looked up to search his eyes for approval.

"You go, girl," he agreed with glimmering eyes. Meanwhile, the song had progressed to the fifth and last verse, making Jo smile at Alex. He chuckled when he listened to the words. They both looked down at the opening again.

"Clamp," Jo ordered.

"Right away, doctor," the nurse replied dutifully.

Jo's body felt completely steady and she knew what she was doing. It was like she didn't even have to think, she just focused on the visuals that the body of her patient gave her and listened to the rhythm of the music intently which gave her a flowing motion. She placed the clamp at the end of the supposed ligation spot and demanded Vicryl for the actual deed of the ligation. Meanwhile the various songs of the record accompanied her on her way to success.

Alex watched Jo do the sutures seamlessly. Her small hands moved flowingly working with the surgical Vicryl to tie off the appendix. She didn't rush but she didn't hesitate either. He could see how confident her hands were. And that was all he had wanted to see for the last few weeks of their lives. Confidence. He knew she knew what she was doing. He just needed her to see it, too. When Jo was done suturing, she tested for inadvertent contamination and looked up at Alex swiftly to check with him before she proceeded to divide the appendix sharply from its stump.

"Appendix is out," Jo declared, tossing the medical waste and the clamp into the tray the nurse held out for her and closing her eyes, taking a deep breath. When she opened her eyes another song had started playing from the LP and she looked at Alex, chuckling humorlessly. He didn't know the lyrics well, but she surely did. Jo wasn't a religious person. She wasn't even spiritual. But there was one thing she did love. Leonard Cohen's music. Usually she was the type to listen to more upbeat dance music but when the record had come out years ago, during her last year of med school, she had fallen in love with it. For some reason she found it immensely soothing to listen to his voice. The words to the song they were hearing at the moment gave her goose bumps. _Come Healing. _It was definitely fitting their situation. Alex didn't break her gaze when he listened to the words of the song. Jo smiled at him slightly, knowing he would see it in her eyes, and she looked back down to finish the surgery, closing up the little girl skillfully, leaving a scar that was only minimally visible.

When they both stepped out of the OR, readying themselves to scrub out, Jo avoided Alex's eyes and sighed. "I can't believe you let me do this," she voiced quietly, rinsing her hands. He smirked.

"You did a beautiful Job on Maddie," Alex complimented her, trying to match their eyes but he couldn't. They scrubbed in silence for a bit, before they both reached for the towels to dry off. Alex leaned against the sink, glancing at her. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I'm going to cry," she said, truthfully.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm perfect," Jo gave back to him, finally looking up. She beamed.

"Are you relieved?"

"Immensely," she nodded.

"Was it easy?"

"As pie," she said, biting her lips looking at Alex giving her the brightest smile.

"Did you get the feeling like your hands were doing the thinking for you?"

Jo looked back up at him in shock. "Yes, yes," she nodded frantically. "That's exactly what it felt like," she agreed. Alex felt like he couldn't stop smiling.

"Good," he said. "I thought you would."

"What do you mean by that? Or what does this mean?"

"It just means, you might not have to worry about going back to work too much," he winked at her. She pondered about it for a while.

"Still, it was only an appendectomy," she said.

"No, Jo, it wasn't just an appendectomy. It was the kick-off to a new era in your life," he told her.

"Uh-uh, which one's that?"

"The era of the new you," he told her ceremoniously.

"You know, you should be glad I kept my hands steady in there," she countered again.

"You're a surgeon, you're supposed to keep your hands steady," he replied quizzically.

"If you hadn't taught me self-discipline that vigorously the last few weeks, I would have cracked in there, you know," she pointed out.

"What are you saying?"

Jo sighed, taking a step closer to Alex, his arm immediately snaking around her waist to pull her closer.

"You find me an OR where it's only us and nobody else watching? You find me a little girl who has like the perfect little problem for me to solve? You bring in a copy of one of my favorite records ever? You remind me of what it is like for me to hold a scalpel? You make me go back to who I used to be in the OR? Like, knowing exactly how I go about surgeries?"

"So you remember how you go about surgeries?" Alex asked in between, not being able to let her finish.

"No, I mean I don't know… it just… it feels like this is exactly how I had been doing it," she explained. "Visualizing. Listening to a beat. And letting all my energy flow to my hands and let them do it," she said. He smiled at her.

"That's called remembering," Alex told her. She smiled skeptically, insecurely.

"I'm not sure," she replied.

"That's okay. I am," he wriggled his eyebrows at her.

"Well, anyways, going back to what I wanted to scold you about. Doing all of the stuff I have listed two minutes ago – you almost made me crumble in there," she looked at him with earnest eyes, feeling the burn of the tears covering her eyeballs.

"I told you," he said. "Somehow, I will always try to help you find a way back to who you were," he said, quietly. She smiled.

"I love you," she whispered, taking a deep breath, putting her head on his shoulder and kissing his neck. "I can't believe I did it," she said, chuckling. "Thanks for holding my hand at it," she said sheepishly, referring to something Alex had accused her of a couple of weeks earlier in therapy regarding her starting back at work. Alex held her tightly, resting his head on top of hers.

"I only let you think I held your hand. You did it all by yourself," he murmured.

"That's all I'm asking for, Alex," she said, shifting her head to look up at him. He smiled.

"Thank you for letting me show you how great you are," he told her, before leaning down and kissing her, finally, both of them forgetting everything around them and celebrating the feeling of overcoming their biggest fears together, once again.

**Note: People, don't fret! I really appreciate you all dreading the end of the story, but trust me, there's still a lot to come! I know I said something a while ago about the initial story being 34 chapters long but as of today, I'm up to 45 LOL. Again, when I wrote the story, I didn't divide chapters to equal lengths but rather contentwise. Today, for example, I broke up a flashback that'll be coming up shortly from 22.000 words into 4 meaningful parts, and the outcomes are still reasonably long (especially compared to f.e. chapter 1 haha). It won't be unlike chapters 24-27 which originally were crammed into one excruciatingly long chapter :D And I can't even promise if I'm done with dividing chapters since I'm still updating a lot of them and I haven't decided on the rest. So, much to your satisfaction I hope, there's still gonna be like 2 to 3 weeks of updating left on my part! Enjoy the ride! :)**


	34. Chapter 34

When Jo got out of the car and touched her feet to the ground she could feel and hear the frost underneath her soles. It had gotten so cold rapidly, the weather forecast had been warning people of Washington about the winter coming in early this year every day. Since it was after five already, the sky had darkened and she could see her own breath solidify before her, looking like a dark white cloud of smoke. Even though she had climbed out of the heated car only a minute ago, she was already shivering when she took out Maddie from the backseat. She joined Alex and Ethan at the back of the car and looked up at the huge residence of the Grey-Shepherds which was illuminated and looked warm and comfy. Alex had already taken several steps towards the front door when she started following him.

"Are you sure there isn't anything we should have brought?" Jo asked him after Alex had rang the doorbell. He rolled his eyes.

"I told you, I paid Meredith to cover our part of the dinner," he said. "Besides, we brought Lauren's pecan pie," he reminded her. She nodded.

Jo was a tiny bit nervous. Even though she had been conversing and hanging out with the one or the other doctor from her workplace throughout the previous weeks after her hospital stay, she hadn't ever gone home to any one of their houses, let alone celebrated a holiday in such an intimate setting together. For all she knew, they were all good friends – hell, Meredith had even counted her as her family. But in her time reckoning… well, with her everything was different. They were her bosses for God's sake. How in the world had she grown to not mind them being her closest friends and family? It wasn't that she didn't like them. But she just… she just couldn't wrap her head around it. She shook her head slightly before plastering on a smile when the door was being opened by a - what looked like - all grown up Zola.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Zo," Alex greeted her, a huge smile on his face.

"Uncle Alex," she replied enthusiastically, forcefully slinging her arms around his middle. He puffed slightly, for Zola had thrown herself at his stomach violently. Jo chuckled.

"Hey, you guys," Meredith immediately rushed over, waving them in, "come on in, it's so cold outside," she said, smiling brightly. They walked inside a couple of steps, Jo pushing the door closed behind her, before Zola came to hug her.

"Hey Aunt Jo," she looked up at her insecurely. Given her age Jo thought Zola's parents must have told her about what had happened. Jo smiled down at the girl she remembered barely talking, playing with dolls and looking cute in a princess outfit.

"Hey, Zola," she answered, pulling her closer to tell her it was okay for her to act just as she would have if everything hadn't happened like it had. It felt good to realize she was indeed very integrated in Alex's group of friends, especially with the kids respecting her as their aunt. But it hurt her heart for knowing that especially at Zola and Sofia's age, who she had spotted across the room already, they were too old to not know about what was going on in their parents' life but too young to fully understand. When Zola let go of her, the girl immediately demanded to hold the baby and Jo complied gratefully, chuckling. She got rid of her coat and Alex presented Meredith with their pecan pie.

"Oh wow, is that a store bought one?" Meredith asked merrily.

"Nah, our nanny was kind enough to bake one for the occasion," Alex replied sheepishly. They all laughed, Jo and Alex joining the already present families.

"You're late, though, let me remind you," Meredith looked sharply towards Alex who just snorted. Jo looked at her apologetically even though she saw sarcasm written all over the hostess' face.

They mingled among their fellow doctors for a while, small talking their way through. Alex had just brought Jo a glass of red wine and joined Jackson and Owen talking about something she couldn't make out, when April came to stand with her. They hugged awkwardly, April smiling brightly at Jo.

"So, how did it feel?"

"How did what feel?" Jo questioned back.

"Standing in the OR again! Holding a scalpel," April almost squealed, making Meredith and the woman she had been introduced to as Owen Hunt's wife Melissa look around and join them interestedly. Jo chuckled at their expectant faces.

"It was…," Jo sighed, glancing over towards Alex who was engrossed in his conversation. "…so comforting," she decided to say. The other ones looked something in between surprise and understanding.

"That sounds good?" April stammered out slightly. Jo smiled at her widely.

"It was. It was great. It was brilliant. I'm… I still can't believe I did it… I mean, I know it was only an appendectomy," Jo turned towards Meredith, trying to make her understand that she didn't mean to sound like she was making medical history or anything. The attendings laughed.

"Well, and I heard you did a beautiful job. I taught you well," Meredith winked at her. Jo smiled at the older woman sheepishly, trying to suppress the fact that she messed up her first appendectomy with just that doctor standing opposite her now, beaming at her good-naturedly.

"Moooom," Zola came to stand by Meredith's side, sporting a very annoyed look on her face. "You said Tuck was on his way," she complained.

"Well, he is," Meredith answered, rolling her eyes.

"What's taking them so long?" the girl whined.

"I don't know, sweetie, meanwhile you can go play with Sofia," her mother instructed her.

"Can we put on our costumes already?" Zola's eyes started gleaming. The other ladies looked at each other in surprise.

"Your dad's going to help you with that as soon as Tuck has arrived, alright? I don't want you to run around in it and get all sweaty and subsequently grumpy," Meredith rolled her eyes at the other moms in the room, all smiling understandingly. Zola stomped away with a disgruntled pouting face making them all chuckle.

"I didn't know Ben and Miranda were coming," April noted after she had turned from watching Zola walk away from them and clutching her belly in front of her.

"Yeah, they were planning to go visit Bailey's parents in Baltimore but then that fire truck accident happened last night and we all got called in again, so they decided to stay. It was a last minute thing, really," she explained. "My daughter freaked out a bit this morning when she realized Tuck was coming and she wasn't prepared," she chuckled.

"Aw, young love," Melissa commented airily. "You know, my oldest actually came home the other day and told me she had dumped her boyfriend and gotten it on with the next already," she narrated. Everyone except for Jo laughed. Melissa who had caught on to Jo's face immediately explained herself with a mockingly exhausted look on her face. "Charlotte is 4," she enlightened her. Jo laughed.

"Oh my," she said. "I better get myself ready. I can see Madison starting to date even before that," Jo said, eyeing her daughter from afar who was passed around between Sofia and Zola.

"Yeah, I don't know much about _your_ dating history but she sure will if she's at all planning to honor the Karev genes," Meredith laughed merrily, making Jo snort.

"Yeah, but he'll also be the one who'll freak first once she starts dating," Jo pointed out, making them all nod and smile.

"Mhm, Zola gives Derek some headaches, trust me," Meredith followed up. "And he's not even the overprotective type," she smiled over at her husband who was standing with Callie and Arizona and had just glanced over at his wife, mirroring her face.

When the doorbell rang, Zola immediately sprang up, almost forgetting having Maddie sit in her lap which gave Jo a heart attack for a second before she dutifully put the baby on the carpet with her brother and ran to the door. Once her mom had opened the door, she grew very silent though and Jo could see a blush creeping up Zola's cheeks. _Young 'love' really was cute. _She smiled, and waved over to Ben and Bailey who all seemed extraordinarily appreciative of the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with their colleagues and friends. Behind them, a very grown up Tuck Bailey Jones had trailed in – looking rather bored. Jo choked on the sip of wine she had just been wanting to take when she realized how inappropriate and yet so funny Zola's crush on Tuck was. He was probably a good bit older than her. A hand clapped onto her back softly when she coughed and she only realized it was Derek's once she had turned around.

"You okay?" he asked her smilingly.

"I'm fine, thanks," she just laughed, looking up at him sheepishly.

"How are you doing, Jo?" Derek looked at her piercingly. "We haven't seen each other in ages," he told her.

"Good, good, everything's good. No memories, though, if that's what you're asking," she smiled a small smile at him, knowing he felt somewhat responsible for her healing process.

"Yeah, I didn't think so. Good news travels faster, you know," he countered. She nodded and they stayed in silence for a bit.

"Don't you dare blame yourself, please," Jo told him sharply, when she saw the expression on his face. "You saved my life," she said, pronouncing every word. They looked at each other for a minute, before Derek shook his head.

"It's not that…," Derek seemed to be trying to find the right words. "It's just… I think I got more excited than all of you when you seemed to remember a tiny something back when you were still at the hospital," he explained, Jo nodded. "I can't get that out of my head… so now I must say… I'm a little disappointed that you haven't had any more memories coming back," he told her, before adding hastily, "I don't wanna be insensitive, Jo."

"No, no, it's okay, really. I've been giving it a lot of thought, as well, of course," she tried to make him feel better. "But I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

The whole party helped together to get the dinner table ready and one by one they took their seats along the table, the kids sitting down on an extra table besides. Jo walked over to pick up Ethan who had been snatching away toy trains from who Jo remembered being April and Jackson's son Liam and joined Alex who had sat himself next to Arizona. He smiled at her before putting an arm around the back of her chair and awaiting the 'official' start of the dinner.

"Well," Meredith said, trying to get all of her guests' attention. "Thank you all for joining us to celebrate Thanksgiving this year again," she started her little speech. "Actually, Sofia and Zola have prepared a short _show_ _act _for us," she stressed the word purposefully, earning some light chuckles from the adults. When she was done, she got up and hit the play button on the docking station sitting on a shelf by the wall and Zola and Sofia made a dramatic entrance into the dining room, both wearing glittery costumes and looking all smug. The adults all smiled in anticipation. They walked all the way up to the far side of the table, all eyes on them. Once the beat started, the girls began dancing a little choreography that they seemed to have studied diligently. At the chorus they both started singing enthusiastically, making all the adults laugh and cheer. The song ended in an abrupt pose, and the dining room erupted in applause and laughter. Jo smiled at the girls trying to remember what it was like to be at an age between being a child and becoming a teenager, seeking attention, wanting to stand out and trying to be cool. Ethan was standing in her lap, bouncing wildly and laughing. She matched eyes with Alex who shook his head, smirking at the hysterical movements of their son.

"Thank you, Zola and Sofia," Derek chimed up when they had all calmed again. "I believe we have all had extraordinary years which we can be proud of and thankful for," he stated, everyone around the table nodding and smiling. "I suggest, we have earned ourselves some turkey," he said, making them all chuckle.

"Isn't everyone going to be saying fanks, daddy?" a small voice from the kids' table chimed up upon seeing Derek walk over to cut the turkey. Everybody looked at a little girl not older than 3. Owen smiled.

"You're right, Gracie, we really should, if that's okay with everyone," he replied, looking around the room for approval. They all nodded, except for Alex, who groaned. Jo looked over at him, smacking his shoulder, not being able to hold back a grin.

"I think you have a lot to be thankful for this year, Uncle Alex," Zola snapped, making them all roar with laughter. Jo raised her eyebrows, laughing as well.

"You heard her," she said, giving him big eyes, nodding exaggeratingly.

"Ugh, you are too smart for your age, Miss Zola," he directed towards Zola, winking good-naturedly. She looked back at him with a smug face.

"Do you wanna start?" Owen asked his daughter who had initiated the topic, still chuckling. The little girl nodded enthusiastically, thinking hard.

"Thank you for my new baby doll I got for my birthday last week," she concluded to, smiling brightly. The girl was adorable.

"You're supposed to be giving thanks about something that really matters," her sister Charlotte scolded her roughly. Jo laughed. "I'm giving thanks for my mom and dad, and of course my sister," she said pompously, adding the last part in reluctance.

"Thank you for all your applause," Zola chimed up, drowning out the Hunt girls' bickering. Alex chuckled besides Jo. When the kids had all said their thanks, the grown-ups started giving theirs one by one. When it was Alex's turn, he groaned dramatically, Arizona flicking his head lightly, giving him her stern face.

"Hmmm," he hesitated theatrically.

"Alex Karev," Bailey gave him a warning glare while Jo smiled and bit her lip. She knew he didn't wanna talk about everything that had happened lately this publicly, she could feel how he was struggling with voicing his affection in front of everybody. It was fine with her, she knew how he felt. She startled mildly when Alex's hand which had rested on the back of her chair only a moment ago found its way to her thigh, squeezing it lightly and intertwined his fingers with hers. She smiled up at him, blushing slightly.

"Thanks to Jo, I got a lot of sleepless nights this year," he started, making her chuckle again. He smirked at her before continuing. "But I wouldn't wanna have it any other way. We had two beautiful babies," at this he pointed towards Maddie sitting in his lap and Ethan in his mom's, "we both logged a lot of successes regarding our careers. And of course, the thing I'm most thankful for this year and will be every year from now on is my beautiful wife surviving that very ugly accident and pulling through it with amazing strength and endurance," he said, looking at Jo's glimmering eyes, smiling. "Also," he turned his eyes towards the crowd, seeking out two people specifically. "Thank you, April and Derek, for saving Jo's life. I owe you more than I will ever be capable of making up to you," he concluded, April sniffling quietly smiling back at Alex and Derek nodding his appreciation.

"Yeah, same here," Jo agreed, making the people who had been mesmerized by Alex's eventually very serious and loving declaration towards his family focus on her. "I'm most thankful for Alex and the babies who give me unconditional love every day and show me just what family really means, and," at this she turned around to graze all of them with her eyes, "of course, all of _you_, who have given us unbelievable support through this very hard time Alex and I've been having since the accident. You all know that I can't remember a large part of the last years which means, I have forgotten a whole lot of friendships between me and you, which makes me even more grateful to see how much all of you care," she said, watching people hide their tears. Except for April. She was already blubbering.

"I'm sorry, it's the hormones," she got out through sobs, making them all laugh. Jo shook her head, smiling.

"Thank you so, so much, everybody, I couldn't do it without your help. I mean it," Jo finished her speech which had gotten slightly longer than she had anticipated but she felt like she owed all of their friends. They finished all their thanks and when Derek got up a second time to a lot of cheering and grumbling stomachs, Jo could feel how Alex squeezed her hand lightly, making her look over at him.

"Hey," he whispered, not wanting to attract attention. She smiled at him with pure love in her eyes. "Come here," he said, leaning a little bit closer, meeting Jo halfway. "I love you," he said, holding Madison tightly to him who had already started reaching out again and leaning in all the way to kiss Jo gently. When he pulled back, Jo felt her insides prickle and she smiled. "I love you, too, Alex."

They all tucked in wildly, enjoying the perfect Thanksgiving dinner, chatting with whoever was sitting closest in pairs or groups, laughing merrily about jokes and teasing each other heavily. The room was buzzing with the good mood and the joy everyone was spreading. Jo had been varying between feeding Ethan little bits of food and having some herself which was slightly more complicated with a pretty hungry and greedy baby in her arms. When they were all done, the party moved over to the living room where they all sat and relaxed, their talking never ceasing.

"Cristina says happy Thanksgiving, y'all," Meredith declared when she rounded the kitchen island and sat on the arm of the couch, Derek's arm wrapping around her.

"Oh, how is she?" Bailey chimed up delightedly.

"She's good. Busy. She says she hates missing out on Thanksgiving because holidays always provided the best cases in the OR," Meredith laughed. "Europeans apparently aren't that effusive. Well, at least not without a Thanksgiving," she winked.

"Ah, that sounds like the Cristina we all know and miss," Bailey replied joyfully. They shared some good stories about Cristina and Bailey gushed about how well she had taught her interns that she had once dubbed to be unteachable. Everybody was laughing and joining in their conversation, the only person looking a little uncomfortable was Hunt. Jo looked over at him and his wife who was following the conversation intently and wondered what their marriage was like. She had only ever known Hunt being with Cristina and from what she had heard everybody had once thought they were endgame. She hadn't asked Alex much about Yang's relocation to Europe but she couldn't get the feeling out of her head that Hunt looked like a tiny part of him was still pining for his ex-wife. Even though from what she had been observing, Hunt had found himself a very lovely family and loved his current wife very much. Jo kept on pondering. It was weird. Although loving Alex was very new to her – at least the romantic kind of love – she couldn't imagine loving him but separating from him due to career reasons or whatnot. She didn't even know why Hunt and Yang had separated. Still, Jo was sure it would drive her crazy knowing that Alex was somewhere out there, still holding feelings towards each other and deciding to not be with him. Unthinkable. Jo was completely engrossed within her thoughts, when a shred of conversation hooked her.

"Speaking of interns," Meredith exclaimed happily, detaching from a conversation about diverse mistakes they had made throughout the years, some turning out to be funny to tell now, some still a sore point in their respective careers. She turned her face towards Alex who had joked about something with Avery. "Have you heard from Izzie lately at all?"

Jo looked over at her husband in interest. Alex shook his head slowly. "Nah," he looked up at Meredith. "I think that time I told her to go off and be happy and never to come back, she actually took my word for once," he said, sighing, looking down at his sleeping daughter lying on his chest. Jo looked at Alex's face. It was quite neutral but there was something she could see in his eyes. The pain of his past. Jo looked over at Meredith who smiled at Alex's current wife and mouthed a 'sorry' towards her. Jo smiled back and shook her head slightly before turning to Bailey who had just cleared her throat.

"Izzie Stevens," she said slowly, "has been sending me Christmas cards every year since she left."

There was a short silence before Jo heard Alex chuckle, all eyes turning towards him. "That actually sounds a lot like her," he offered, smiling slightly. Meredith nodded.

"Has she ever said anything? Where she lives now or what she does?" Mer asked towards Bailey who shook her head, still looking at the floor and sighed.

"Not once, no," she answered, disappointment lacing her voice. "But I await her card every year and without fail, it always lies in the mailbox on Christmas Eve," she narrated. "It's good to hear from her, though, knowing she's well," Bailey stated like she was sad about a child never showing its face to the momma.

"I'm glad to hear it," Meredith just responded, still hurting about how everything had ended between them when thinking about it. However, knowing Izzie was up and well soothed her immensely.

"It's been such a long time and I still can't believe she's really gone sometimes," Bailey admitted, once it was only Bailey, Meredith, Callie, Arizona, Alex and Jo listening in any more since the others had started another conversation topic again. "I mean, I'm not a dreamer, I'm not a, you know… I'm not… ugh. It's just… It has bugged me for a long time that I couldn't make her stay. I was her teacher. I should have made her believe in herself more," she illustrated her feelings of guilt. Meredith had put a comforting hand on Bailey's shoulder and Alex sighed.

"You know as well as I do that you couldn't have said or done anything to make her stay. You had nothing to do with it, you know it and if you don't I promise you now. We all know that I had everything to do with her leaving and never coming back," Alex offered towards Bailey who looked up at him with a sad smile.

"You two would have been great, you know. I was always rooting for you and Stevens," she chuckled slightly. Alex frowned at her while Jo hiked her eyebrows and smiled.

"Really?" Jo intervened Bailey's gushing about her husband's ex-wife, sarcasm lacing her voice. Bailey looked over at Jo and screwed up her face, waving Jo away which took her aback a bit.

"Oh, everybody knows you two," Bailey pointed in between Jo and Alex, "are weirdly perfect for each other," she said dismissively, making everybody laugh. Jo chuckled looking over at Alex who shook his head in amusement about his former superior, now highly respected colleague. "It was just… for a long time I really believed that your precious husband and Izzie Stevens would have had a great future ahead of themselves, as well. They were good together, there's nothing wrong about that," she defended herself.

"It's fine, Dr. Bailey," Jo laughed. "I'm okay with being his wife _now_," she said, squeezing Alex's hand, having felt how he had connected their hands a couple of moments ago and smiled at his face. "And I guess _my Alex_ wouldn't be that Alex if he hadn't experienced everything he had before we met," she concluded, feeling stupid about how sensible that sounded. Bailey smiled at her before looking at Alex.

"Yeah, you got yourself _som_e man, there," she commented in her usual demeanor, smirking at him with her usual self-confident teasing tone. Alex chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah," Alex replied. "Keep telling me how perfect I am," he chuckled, matching his eyes with Jo, showing her all his love and appreciation for her for being the person she was, accepting him for who he was and had been before they had met and for helping him be a better man every day.

The conversations shifted to light-hearted again pretty soon and everyone was happily chatting while resting on the couches tiredly for eating too much. When Meredith got up to go prepare pies and coffee, Jo followed swiftly, trying to get some alone time with the host. Before she had the chance to turn around and present Alex with Ethan, April had already put out her hands and offered herself to cradle him while he was already sleeping soundly.

When Jo entered the kitchen behind Meredith, the older one looked surprised.

"You need any help?" Jo offered immediately, smiling.

"You need any gossip?" Meredith shot back, smirking at her with shining eyes. Jo chuckled.

"Well…," Jo looked over at Meredith sheepishly. She just laughed.

"Who do you need the juice on?" she asked, boiling up water for coffee and tea.

"Can I ask you about Owen and his wife?" Jo asked slowly, surprising Meredith.

"Oh, okay, yeah, sure, go ahead," she said, hooked. "I mean, I'm not sure if I can answer anything but yeah, go ahead," she said.

"I don't even know why I care… it's just… you know I've only ever known Owen with Cristina, so when I woke up and they had told me that she had moved to Europe, I was actually surprised. I mean, I remember them being on and off again, I never really understood what was going on… but there was one thing you could always count on… and it was them hooking up again after some time. But now he seems… I mean his wife is so lovely and his kids are so sweet, they really seem perfect," Jo rambled a bit. "So…," she asked. "Are they? I mean, perfect?"

Meredith chuckled while getting out dessert plates and forks while Jo was cutting up the pies. "What's your definition of perfect?"

Jo rolled her eyes at her. "You know what I mean… it's just… when you all talked about Cristina a few minutes ago, Owen looked really uncomfortable and his wife looked… intrigued," Jo reported.

"Oh, really?" Meredith enquired. "I didn't even see that," she pondered. "Well, you are right… Cristina and Owen didn't part because they were over… they just… they had different expectations of life itself… so, when she decided to move… well, it was the best thing for both of them… but I don't blame him for still feeling sad thinking about her… Cristina was the love of his life. You don't forget that so easily, you know," Meredith tried to explain.

"Yeah, I can see that," Jo answered. Meredith looked at Jo skeptically, watching her cut.

"Are you asking because of Izzie?" she asked her straight forwardly. Jo turned around sharply, not having anticipated the question but then smiling slightly.

"No," she shook her head and turned back. "I was genuinely interested in how their marriage worked… because… well because they seem… I'm not sure… on the one hand they seem so perfect with each other, like it was meant to be, and then on the other hand they look very… distant actually," Jo mused. Meredith nodded.

"As said, I don't even know much about them. Owen knows I'm in touch with Cristina… he hasn't ever given me much juice to gossip to her," Meredith winked. "But what I definitely know and will surprise most people is that he actually knocked Melissa up first, and then they decided to get married," she smiled at Jo who had hiked her eyebrows.

"Wouldn't have thought," Jo admitted.

"Why are you two gossiping when we are craving for pie out there?" Alex came in after them, leaning against the counter opposite from the girls. He hadn't brought in Madison, making Jo look back at the living room where she actually couldn't spot her either. "I put her in the pack'n'play in Zola's room," Alex answered her questioning gaze. She nodded.

"Your wife needed gossip about the Hunts," Meredith chuckled. Alex rolled his eyes, popping grapes that were lying around the kitchen island into his mouth.

"They're happy, though, right?" Jo tried to find out eventually.

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, of course it wasn't easy over the years," she confessed. "But they're trying and they actually make a good fit and Owen has seemed really comfortable and genuinely happy over the years. Right, Alex?" Meredith looked over at Alex, who had hiked his eyebrows and just grunted. They chuckled. "I think, he still thinks about Cristina a lot," she said.

"And vice versa," Alex chimed up, making them look at him. He shrugged dismissively.

"And vice versa, apparently, as your husband confirms," Meredith looked back at Jo, surprised about Alex actually joining the conversation. "But he _is _genuinely happy with having found a person he loves to have a family with and grow old with," she concluded.

"They're having problems, though," Alex said, moving closer and looking over Jo's shoulder to decide what pie to get first. She slapped his fingers when he tried to get some making him chuckle and back away.

"What do you mean with that?" Meredith asked.

"I met him at Joe's after the board meeting," he explained, Jo turning around, leaning against the counter as well when she was done cutting the pies. "He was… well, drunk," he said.

"Well, who wasn't?" Jo's eyes glimmered at him. They exchanged a look, Meredith looking in between them.

"Anyways, he told me they were having problems because Melissa wanted to know about Cristina and he wasn't ready to tell," he recalled. He looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember if Hunt had said anything else about that. He couldn't. Maybe that was because Alex himself had had way enough liquid toxic that night.

"Yeah, I imagine," Meredith said after listening to the short flashback closely. "Melissa is a very straight-forward, honest person. She doesn't mince the words. When they got married, she was very matter-of-fact about it. She knew he was married before, she knew she was carrying his child, she knew not everything was going smoothly or perfectly, but she also knew that they had fallen in love in only a minimum of time, so she thought, that's all that mattered. They could have a family that was built on love, no matter what kind of love," Meredith shrugged. "And they did, and their family is beautiful," she looked over at the Hunts, Jo's gaze following. "But Owen not being cooperative about Cristina seems like something that would bug her," she ended her thoughts. Alex nodded. There was a short silence before Meredith spoke up once more.

"Your wife tells me she's all good about your first marriage," she winked at Alex. He rolled his eyes.

"Why wouldn't she be?" he asked, dismissively.

"Well, I wasn't okay with Derek's first marriage for the longest time," Meredith admitted.

"That's different, you knew Addison. He was still married when you guys met," Alex pointed out, Jo listening intently. She hadn't known any of this.

"Well, yeah, but Izzie was a big part of your life, as well," Meredith countered.

"You don't say," he teased her. "She was my wife," he said.

"All I think," Jo interrupted their bickering. "is that Alex seems to be definitely over it," she stated, looking at Meredith first and then glancing over at Alex, smiling about his stricken face.

"I am," he repeated.

"I know that," Jo said again, pushing herself from the countertop to walk two steps over to where Alex was standing and letting him embrace her. "Also, how could you still be hung up on an ex when you have the perfect girl all to yourself, anyways," she teased him, making him laugh.

"Indeed," he nodded exaggeratedly, kissing her. She moaned quietly at their contact and pulled back instantly to not get carried away.

"Oh, stop making out, you two," Meredith chided, not being able to hide a smile, though. She had needed to see them happy and okay for a while now. It soothed her stomach immensely. She left towards the living room with a pot full of coffee and one full of tea.

Jo smiled at Alex when he pulled her tighter, not letting go yet. She cupped his cheeks. "What is it, baby?" she asked him in concern now.

"Nothing," he smiled back at her, kissing the palm of her hand. "Just being grateful," he said, giving her a sheepish smile. She grinned widely before leaning in once more and wrapping her arms around his neck, kissing him passionately.

"We can see you from over here, you know," Arizona called over to them from the living room, people chuckling. Alex pulled back slowly, looking at her eyes intensely.

"Don't get all mushy, Mister, just because it's Thanksgiving," Jo teased him. He smirked and finally let her loose, smacking her ass lightly when she turned around and carried over two plates of pie. She turned around, biting down on her lower lip and giving him a once over, smirking. He laughed at her innuendo and pushed himself from the counter as well, following her to meet with the crowd again. They let the evening fade away gradually, conversing slowly and finally saying their good-byes, one by one. When Alex and Jo had retrieved their sleeping kids from the dark bedrooms of their hosts' kids and walked out the door, Jo realized that it had started snowing flimsily. She belted up Madison before rushing to climb in and turning on the heat. When they had gotten onto the road, Jo turned to look at the cursing Alex, smiling.

"The road is terrible," he explained, trying to see in the darkness. She nodded.

"Let me ask you something," she started what she had been thinking all evening. "Remember, when you said something about other people not thinking our marriage is all too perfect," Jo asked him. "Remember that?"

"Um… yeah," he said, narrowing his eyes at the street. "You mean when I told you about Landsfield, right?"

"Yeah, you said something about how our lives are perfect because we have each other but other people don't think like that," she asked, gradually going to where she wanted to have him.

"Yeah, I remember," he confirmed.

"I don't get it," she said. "People genuinely seem to think of us as _the_ perfect couple. I mean, did you hear Bailey today? She even said that you and your ex-wife were great together, but then she said that we are perfect together – she even literally said those words," Jo said.

"Okay?" Alex asked in confusion.

"And the other day, when we went to dinner with Lauren," she continued. "When she squeezed us for information on the 'perfect relationship'? You can't tell me that people don't think we're perfect! They do, it seems," Jo stated.

"What are you saying?"

"Well, I was just wondering why you might think people don't think that… or why you said it at all," Jo explained. Alex nodded.

"I think you got it wrong… I mean, maybe I think I expressed myself wrong," Alex pondered, cruising around the darkest of Seattle.

"I was actually not talking about what other people think about _us _as a couple but what they'd think if they were a _part_ of our couple," he said, Jo looking taken aback.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she chuckled slightly. Alex smiled, catching on to what his words must have sounded like.

"I mean… alright, since we've been speaking of it anyways today… like if I was still with Izzie… and I had the same relationship with Izzie that I have with you," he said, glancing over at Jo quickly before looking back at the streets. "I know, I know," he nodded, acknowledging Jo's skeptic face, "that wouldn't be the case because everyone's different, blah, blah," he explained himself immediately, Jo chuckling about his couldn't-care-less-attitude. "But if it were the case… she probably wouldn't like our marriage much. Do you know what I mean?"

"Not sure, but I think so…yes," Jo said. "You mean, if I was married to someone else and had the exact same stuff going on…same kids, same interests, same jobs, same problems, same whatever… that my hypothetical husband and I would not dub it as perfect because what makes it perfect is that it's you and me and we just… work, right?" Jo tried to summarize.

"Exactly," Alex smiled at her proudly.

"Alright, yeah, then I really did get the wrong impression of what you said. I was actually really confused about that… cause people keep telling me how good we are together and that they really enjoy our company and whatnot," she said. "But like that… yeah, that makes sense," Jo pondered for a bit before laughing out loud.

"What is it?"

"I was just thinking… Jason would hate our marriage… he's the jealous type," she commented. Alex nodded.

"Yeah, Izzie wouldn't like it much either. It's a little too casual, I'd think," he tried to explain. "Izzie liked the glamour," he winked. Jo nodded.

"It's funny how we go through so many relationships in life… and then where we end up liking it," she fantasized.

"Well, it doesn't mean you didn't like the relationship before…it just means you're completely right and content with how it is within that one setting you like better than any other before," Alex pointed out making her nod again.

"True," she said, hiking her eyebrows eventually. "We are being so grown-up right now," she laughed, making fun of their selves. Alex joined in.

"Yeah, it's pretty ridiculous," he joked. They led easy conversation until they arrived home finally and walked into their warm and comfortable house. Jo only took one step inside, Alex bumping into her as she stood still in the doorway, making him curse lightly. She took a deep breath and looked up at the dark hallway, feeling Alex's impatient breathing on her neck, holding on to their babies tightly – and she knew, she knew with all her heart that she was at the right place and she wanted to stay there until she had finished all the deeds she had always dreamed of achieving within her lifetime.

**Hey guys, just fyi I'm gonna treat you with extra special care next week ;-) I'm planning two double updates, since I'm having exams this week and next week and I really need the positive reinforcement of the reviews I will hopefully receive to pull through those couple of weeks. Haha I'm just kidding, I mean of course, it's an obvious bonus to have you all comment on my story to make me feel good while trying to keep my career up but the actual reason of the double updates are #1 I'm going on a trip in three weeks' time and I wanna have the updating finished by then, cause I decided to not be cruel and let you wait a week in between chapters, especially cause it'd be right before the 'finale'. So now I'll be rushing the chapters out a bit but I guess you won't be angry with me for that ;-) #2 it actually contributes to the content of the upcoming chapters, so I thought... I might as well try sucking up a bit with my readership :D Alright, hope you guys have a great week! Plan in some extra time for chapters 35 through 38 ;-) **


	35. Chapter 35

"I'm home," Jo yelled when she entered the house, tossing her keys at the little dresser placed by the wall and getting rid of her coat, shivering the cold that she had left behind from outside away.

"Nursery," Alex called back from upstairs.

Jo jogged up the stairs slowly, taking a right and entering the kids' room. Maddie was lying down in her crib, sucking on her pacifier and rubbing her eyes, while holding her blankie against her head whereas Ethan was sitting up on the changing table fussing about Alex trying to hold him still to zip up his onesie pajamas.

"Are you all ready to go night night?" Jo walked in and tangled her arm down into Maddie's crib, rubbing her tummy. The girl looked up at her sleepily, smiling underneath her pacifier. She smiled down at her. "Close your eyes, sweetheart, they're already so heavy, aren't they?"

She got up again to turn towards Ethan who was reaching for her. "Did you all have a fun afternoon?" she looked at the boy, not meaning to take him over but standing closer to give him a hug and kiss. "Yeah, did you have fun with daddy?" Jo bubbled up, while Alex had moved over a bit to give her space and stood behind her bending down to kiss her cheek softly, making her smile. Ethan smiled back at her widely before taking the pacifier that Alex held out for him and cramming it into his mouth. She kissed her son one more time and walked out, waving good night to both of them before leaving the room and going over to the master bedroom to change into comfortable clothing. She walked downstairs and lay on the couch, retrieving the Sunday papers from the coffee table and turning towards the page she was aiming for. _Apartment building in Magnolia collapses – more than a dozen casualties already. _Jo sighed. It was her first day back to work the next day and she sure was anxious about what was awaiting her. She scanned the article for hospital statements. None as of that day. It was only early though. The collapse had happened in the very early hours of Sunday and they were still retrieving people, dead or alive.

Jo could hear how Alex moved down the stairs quietly to not wake the kids and glanced up quickly to see him smile at her in passing, going over to the kitchen. She looked back down at the pictures. _How in the world could an apartment building just collapse? _Jo startled when she could feel how Alex's body weight came down on top of her slowly starting at her feet, not having heard him come in and still focusing on the article. She looked at him quickly before going back to studying the report from the scene with a frown on her face. Alex who had lowered himself onto her spread out body on the couch was inching upwards to lie on her stomach and rest his head on her chest. She moved her legs apart and lifted the papers in the air to let him get comfortable, still reading.

"I thought you were on call tonight?" she asked him lazily after a while, Alex seeming to have dozed off already. He just nodded into her chest. Jo smiled at him lightly before finishing the head article and turning the page. "Aren't you planning to drive over?" Alex just grumbled at her suggestion, wriggling around to get more comfortable, Jo lifting her right leg up to rest it on the back of the couch, giving him more space.

"How was your day?" Alex murmured into her t-shirt, making her giggle.

"You're tickling me," she said, lowering the papers onto his back to look at him. She petted his head lovingly, making him look up at her. He smiled, propping himself up on his elbows and kissing her softly, immediately lying back down again, feeling oh so comfortable in her embrace. "It was fun, actually," Jo answered his initial question, running her fingers up and down his spine. "I re-met Stephanie's mom, she's really nice. I didn't really get to talk to anybody else there, I mostly hung out with those two. It was fun, though, everybody seemed to enjoy the laid back atmosphere," Jo recounted her day at the spa. Stephanie's mother was a very well-liked and sophisticated socialite back inher home town and as far as Jo had gathered from Steph's stories, she always liked to throw get-togethers and other really _important _things even when she was here on visits. Since Mrs. Edwards had come to town for a whole weekend for the Thanksgiving festivities, she had invited a whole bunch of female characters to a day out at the spa, treating everyone to free massages and whatnot. Jo hadn't been sure about going initially but since Stephanie had begged for her assistance with her mother she had of course gone to help her friend out. Also, Alex had pointed out for her that it might do her some good to take her mind off things before going back to work again the next day.

"Good," Alex answered lazily, and his deep breathing told Jo that he was on the verge of falling asleep again.

"Alex," she poked him slightly, squeezing her thighs together to make him move a little. "Baby, I don't think it's such a good idea for you to relax too much if you're actually on call," she advised him. Alex faked some whining sounds before groaning and propping himself up again, inching up a little more, looking at his wife.

"Well, then, entertain me," he told her, Jo laughing in surprise about the suggestion.

"What do you wanna hear?"

"I don't know," Alex gave back, pulling himself up and kissing her again. "You've been distant lately," he told her, looking at her for an answer.

"Distant? Really? How so?" she asked him, astonished, putting the papers away to focus on Alex.

"I don't know, maybe I'm just imagining things," he said, lying back down, the top of his head grazing her chin. He started playing with the sleeve of her shirt.

"Well, I'm sorry if you feel that way. I really didn't mean to act distant," she told him soothingly, still rubbing his back with her other arm. She could feel him smile against her chest.

"Alright, I'm glad. Maybe I got so used to you needing me I miss having you hover now," he told her, chuckling.

"So, you actually think I made progress?" Jo questioned him further.

"Absolutely, wasn't that your intention?" Alex looked up at her in surprise.

"No, not really. I mean, of course, after we talked I tried to reflect on my behavior. However, I didn't necessarily try to distance myself from you," she explained.

"I didn't ask you to distance yourself from me, God, no, don't do that," he told her with wide eyes making Jo laugh.

"I won't," she said, cupping his cheek lovingly.

"Okay, good," he said, putting his head back down. Jo kissed the top of his head, playing with his hair while they lay in silence for a bit before Alex broke the quiet once more. "Can I ask you something?"

"Obviously," Jo rolled her eyes at him good-naturedly.

"It may sound stupid though," he warned her.

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time," Jo teased him. He looked up at her with narrowed eyes making her laugh. "What is it?"

"Well, it's… it's about us… and this," he tried to shape an explanation. "Today I was thinking, since your accident we have talked about us so many times and we have talked about us being friends and crossing the bridge to being a couple and about the insecurities of how all this works and you know… the whole thing with the sex I'm denying you…," he added sheepishly. Jo looked down at him with a mixture of a frown and a grin on her face.

"Okay…?" she faced him quizzically.

"So, we have talked a whole lot. But today, I realized… I never really… I mean… I have always told you 'let's take it slow' and 'I can't do everything at once because you still think I'm your friend' and stuff like that… but I never really asked you… how all this feels to you… I mean… not necessarily what you feel for me but how all _this," _and at that he looked up at her, making a gesture to express the situation between him and her, "feels to you," he ended his inquiry.

"Okay… what exactly is it that you wanna hear, though?"

"Um… you know… like what is it like for you if I… hug you or kiss you… or we lie in bed together… or you know…," he blushed slightly, "me lying on top of you right now," he added very, very quietly, realizing how bold it was of him. Again, he found himself in a very compromising position because of not thinking about their situation actively before and just behaving like he would have if the accident hadn't happened. Jo smiled at him, though.

"It feels… good," she told him, half teasingly, feeling how her guts turned to excited within a second for him talking about lying on top of her. It was fine that he was, it was just... now that he had voiced it out loud to her, she felt like it pronounced the act even more. At least all her sensors said something like it.

_Great, she was making fun of him now. _Alex thought.

_"_Oh, come on," she scolded him when he looked at her grumpily. "I'm just teasing," she said.

"No, no, it was stupid, forget I asked," Alex's gaze fell and he moved to get up.

"Will you just lie down," Jo looked at him with glaring eyes, holding him to her. "I just need a minute to think, alright?" She stared him down before finally he settled again, nodding curtly.

"I just… I mean… we weren't the touchy kind of friends before… and I just realized that we or I kind of… re-established our… closeness without really asking you," he explained himself better.

"I urged you to if you remember," Jo pointed out for him.

"Well, yeah, in the beginning you did, but that was just… you know… a kiss or two… or a hug or holding your hand for comfort that you asked for," he came back. "Now I'm just… come on, this," he said again, showing her with his eyes that he was talking about their current bodily arrangements, "this is much more than that. I kind of… stopped thinking about it at some point," he said.

"And I'm glad you did," Jo reassured him, listening to the uncertainty in his voice. "In the beginning, it was… well, it was weird. I was trying to set my mind straight, and I was trying to process, you know… and when you came in… you know when I first woke up… when you kissed me, you kind of… took all remaining floor from underneath my feet," she smiled at him slightly. "That was when I realized that I had fallen for you… _so_ hard," she admitted towards Alex for the first time, still shaking her head in disbelief. They had said their _I love you's _several times already after the accident, however, Jo had never had the chance to really explain to him of how it had happened. Jo felt elated for being given the chance to tell him that it wasn't a platonic _I love you _she had been talking about all those weeks.

"So, the first few days were odd… I wanted you so much all of a sudden and you were trapped in between wanting to give me comfort but also, trying to process what had happened, so everything was awkward, but you remember that, right?" she searched for his back-up. He nodded. "So the first time you kissed me and then the first time you hugged me and then the first time you put your arm around me while walking down the hall… all the firsts gave me unbelievable butterflies," she smiled down at his slightly embarrassed looking face. "Everything still does… it's just… now, I'm more… well, if you wanna hear it, I'm more _confident_ with seeking out your touch as well," she tried to form her thoughts. "Because… I don't think about the fact that two months ago I thought you were my friend all too often. I mean, I do. Actually, I do a lot… but not like this, I don't think about it while I seek you out but more times than not when I'm alone and pondering about everything. When you do touch me or you know… pull me closer, I just… it feels good and right and everything I want," Jo voiced, seeking out his eyes to support her statement. "I think it's because for me, now, you _are_ my husband. Even though I might not remember, it's been over a month now… so, yeah, I'm completely fine with it, if it's approval you're looking for," she answered. Alex pondered about it for a while before speaking up again.

"So, you're saying, you don't feel awkward anymore…at all? About anything?" He looked up at her face, which looked like she was thinking hard.

"Well, I can't really say awkward, no… it's just… it always comes with a lot of emotions because I get really excited when you touch me," she laughed. "And I don't mean it t_hat _way… I mean, I do, obviously, sometimes, but what I mean is… every time you give me the comfort of your arms… or even just a small gesture… it makes me so happy. I think the 'unfamiliar' part… or the part you're asking for is still there… it's expressing itself in the way of me never expecting you to actually do it but then you do and everything's just perfect," she smiled again. Then she chuckled. "Okay, scratch that, I do remember a situation that was… a bit too intimate for me," she stated.

"What's that?"

"I'm not even sure you realized it, which made it even more awkward," Jo laughed. "It was like… a week or two ago, I can't really remember. I was in the bathroom after the shower and standing in front of the sink dressed in panties only… and you just came in and got something from the shelf and kissed my shoulder on your way out… and closed the door behind you. And I was like… _What the hell just happened?_" Jo closed her eyes, grinning. "It was… I don't know, it just felt like… ugh, it's not that easy to describe. Even though I'm used to all the touching and stuff… and talking of course… I was a little uncomfortable with you entering the bathroom when I was half naked…," Jo looked for a reaction with Alex. He grumbled something, closing his eyes in embarrassment.

"Yeah, I do remember that," he admitted. "But, I swear to God, at the time I realized what I had just done, I was already out the door and…I just… I was hoping you hadn't realized it yourself," he chuckled, opening his eyes and looking at her apologetically. She chuckled, shaking her head.

"_And you didn't even look at me," _Jo expressed in an exasperated voice, breaking out in laughter.

"You just said you were uncomfortable with being naked in front of me," Alex shot back in confusion. "And now you're saying you're mad because I didn't look at you when I had the chance to?"

"Well," Jo sighed, still smiling. "I don't know. It was a surprise and I didn't expect it and of course, for me… from what I know you've never seen me naked," she told him sheepishly, making him chuckle now, earning a light smack. "I mean, I haven't ever seen you naked, either," she added. "So, I was kind of… self-conscious… but then you not even realizing OR looking… that bummed me out a bit," she confessed.

"Sorry, babe," Alex apologized, giving her his very rare cute eyes, melting her immediately. "I really… I think I wasn't on top of my game that day at all. First walking in on you which I would have never done if I had been thinking clearly, I promise. Then not even thinking to catch a glimpse of your gorgeousness even though I haven't been able to do that in weeks," he said, making her blush. "I totally would have if I had realized, I promise. No, wait, if I had realized, I probably wouldn't have because I would have respected your boundaries. Ugh, whatever," he shook his head slightly. "Point being: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," he stated. She smiled at him again, leaning down to peck his lips.

"You're good," she told him.

"But, wait. You're saying you're uncomfortable with me seeing you naked but you do wanna sleep with me? How do you think that is going to happen?" Alex pointed out for her, making her smile again.

"Well, I'm not saying I don't want you to see me naked I'm just saying that because of never having experienced it before and it happening so unceremoniously while you having your blind eyes on… you caught me off guard. I was uncomfortable at that moment. I won't be once you finally decide to rip my clothes off," she murmured seductively, wriggling her eyebrows at him.

"M-hm," he just grunted, kissing her again.

"And also, I'll take your clothes off, too, so I won't be the only one feeling self-conscious," she voiced against his lips.

"Jo, I do remember you seeing _me _naked before. I couldn't care less about it," he said, biting her lower lip softly.

"Yeah, true," she sighed into the kiss. They made out for a while before Alex retook his previous position, resting his head on her chest, Jo closing her eyes in content as well. They lay in silence for at least half an hour, Alex having dozed off, whistling slightly with every breath he took, while Jo's mind took her to a place she had been visiting increasingly often in the last couple of weeks since that topic had first been introduced to her. She had been pondering about it frequently, torn between the decisions of wanting to know about it or leaving it be. She still wasn't any further with that decision. However, the thoughts about it hadn't ceased. She needed help. She needed Alex's help deciding. Jo looked down at Alex's peaceful resting, biting her lip. _If you don't wake him now, you're probably going to chicken out again later. He's not gonna kill you if you wake him now. It's now or never_. Jo sighed, nudging Alex softly, trying to bring him back to a mindful state.

"Hmmm?" he just questioned her, not pleased about the wake up call.

"Are you going to go in at all unless you're actually called in?" Jo decided to ask first. Alex looked at her grumpily, his eyes still heavily dazed from the dozing.

"You woke me for that? You really wanna get rid of me that badly?" he rasped drowsily.

"No," she replied, apologetic about waking him. "No, actually I was trying to find out if there was some time for me to ask you about something as well," she said in a very low voice.

"What is it?" Alex tried to shake the sleep away, seeing the concerned look Jo was giving him. He propped up on his elbows, matching their eyes.

"Promise me first that you'll only answer my questions. Just… don't add any information I don't know I even wanna hear yet," Jo asked, Alex frowning.

"Jo, whatever it is, just spit, you confuse me," he urged her.

"Was it my mother that had been contacting me? I mean… you know whenever that was," Jo revealed her sorrows. Alex sighed and leaned his head a little to the right.

"Are you sure you wanna know this?"

"I'm trying to find out about that," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Okay," he said, narrowing his eyes at her, gulping. "Then, yes. It was her," he answered, dutifully. Jo nodded lightly, feeling how her heartbeat had accelerated and her hands started shaking on their own accord. Alex noticed the change of air and reached his hand towards Jo's hair, stroking it softly. "It's okay, Jo, I don't have to tell if you're not ready for this," he assured her.

"Did we ever meet?" Jo continued her interview not reacting to his soothing. Alex hesitated for a moment before obliging. He nodded. They looked at each other, searching the eyes of the respective other for answers to their particular inquiries.

"Why now?" Alex asked her after she didn't seem to want to question him further. Jo sighed, shrugging.

"It hasn't really left my mind since the one time you talked about it," she admitted. Alex nodded.

"I'm sorry I did," he apologized, stroking his thumb across her cheek. Jo shook her head at him, closing her eyes.

"No, that's okay. The story wouldn't have been complete if you hadn't included it," she came back. "Alex, do you think I can handle it? I mean, do you think I would wanna hear it again? After I met her… did I regret it? Or was I okay with it? What do you think?" Jo begged him frantically. He sighed.

"Jo, I really can't decide that for you," he replied, looking at her apologetically.

"Alex, I have this one chance… this one positive thing I can deduce from the amnesia… it's the fact that I can 'forget' about things I might have wanted to forget in my old life," Jo explained her feelings.

"As wonderful as that sounds, Jo, I really don't believe that's the way to go. First of all, we don't know if you'll get your memory back. Don't look at me like that, we don't. There's still hope. I know it's been a long time, but there's hope," he told her when she gave him an exasperated look. "And either way, if you do get it back, you'll know it anyways. If you won't, you'll miss out on a part of your life… a part that shaped you to be who you are just as much as other stuff did. I'm sorry to take this away from you but I have a different opinion on this… handling your amnesia as a filter for good and bad memories? Not good. But as said, I don't wanna be the judge of that," he concluded. Jo gulped.

"Yeah, I thought you might say that. However, please, Alex, just… is there anything…anything at all you can tell me that'll make this decision easier for me? I really don't know where my head is at momentarily… It's out there and I know I should wanna know about it… and I do… but then again, I'm so scared I'll… be angry afterwards… or sad," she confessed. Alex took a deep breath before biting down on his lips. He thought back. _What in the world was he supposed to tell her?_

"You know, Jo, that's exactly what I've been trying to voice the other night… it's so damn hard to relive _your _feelings for you," he said. There was a short break with them just looking at each other. "I think it will upset you. Actually, I'm sure of it. But I also think that you would rather wanna know about it than wonder for the rest of your life," he said, hoping that he had made the right decision. She looked down at him, pondering. "I'm not saying you have to hear it today. I'm just saying, if the amnesia will 'stay' permanent… I'd consider it," he added.

"Thanks, Alex," Jo replied. She hesitated. "I actually… I believe I have decided a week ago that I do wanna hear it. I just needed your back-up. And… if it's not too much to ask, I'd really like for you to tell me about how I met… her_,_" she said.

"What, now?"

"Yeah," she replied, soberly.

"That was fast," he smiled a tiny smile. Jo shrugged.

"I'm probably as ready as I'll ever be," she said.

"Okay, so, you wanna know the whole story? How you met… and what you talked about?"

"Yeah, I just… just tell me what the situation was or is like," Jo replied. He nodded, trying to find a good way to begin.

"Okay… so, remember I told you that she had called you back in… what year was that? Christ, you really are making me do some serious brain cell work out here," he chuckled. She smiled at him lovingly. "Okay, wait, that was… 2015, is that right? Yeah, I think… so that's when she first tried to contact you and you told Mrs. Schmidt to tell her not to call you again. That was actually it for a long while, it took you years to even consider the possibility of contacting her. You still had her number, I was aware of that. And I also knew you thought about it quite a lot. I asked you about it once, you know, with all the work I did on the Malawi project… and you urging me to do something about foster homes… we both put a lot of energy into that… thinking up ideas… so we talked about foster homes quite often… and then it just came up… and I think I actually just wanted to let you know that I hadn't forgotten either and if you ever wanted to talk about it… or if you ever decided you were ready to contact her… that I was there for you," Alex narrated, busying himself with the hem of Jo's neckline. "You totally blocked me off though, and that was okay. I didn't mean to push you, I just wanted you to know. And I didn't want you to push it farther and farther down until it ate you up. After all, it was you who were the first to tell me to rather face problems or face the past than let it eat you up. _Because it's torture if you try to deal with it later on. _That's what you once told me. So I wanted to give that back to you. But you weren't ready," Alex spoke slowly, Jo nodding.

"Why did I decide to contact her later on?" she spoke up after a while.

"Well, it happened last year. We had been planning to go to Malawi over the summer but then we learned that you were pregnant," he started up again. Jo nodded.

"And then we didn't go, right?" she asked. Alex nodded.

"You were hospitalized for the better part of two weeks and even after… your morning sickness was terrible. You had such a hard time. But I told you about that already. So, you didn't go back to work right after you were discharged, mainly because I made you stay home," he said, Jo chuckling. "And you… you started thinking about it again, a lot. Of course you didn't let me in, this is what you told me in retrospect, I might add. The whole thing actually started the day you told me you had made different vacation plans for us…," Alex remembered back.


	36. Chapter 36

_[Early August 2018]_

_"__How was your first day back?" Alex strolled into the kitchen, getting a bottle of water out of the fridge and leaning against the counter. _

_"__Fine," Jo said, her hair up in a sloppy bun, wearing joggers since she was feeling all bloated and uncomfortable – already, one might add – and skimming through what looked like a travel brochure. _

_"__What are you looking at?" he asked further, taking a sip of his water. _

_"__The travel information of the airline I booked two tickets with for us to go to Boston next month," Jo answered nonchalantly. Alex choked on the water he had just sipped on and coughed loudly, making Jo look up at him in surprise. "Are you okay?" she asked him with a patronizing smile. _

_"__You did what?" Alex gaped at her. _

_"__I booked us two tickets to visit Boston in September," she repeated for him, as if they had talked about this before. _

_"__What did you do that for?" _

_"__Because," Jo said. "I wanna go to Boston this year," she stressed the fact repeatedly._

_"__Why?" Alex asked her in confusion, shaking his head. _

_"__I don't know… I'm from there, I haven't been there in a long time, I just wanna go back for a few days. Is that so hard to understand?" _

_"__Jo, you are acting really weird. What the hell is going on?" Alex looked at her skeptically. Jo sighed. _

_"__I cleared your schedule for that weekend, if you're worried about that," she just replied, going back to perusing through the products of the sky mall. _

_"__Jo, look at me," Alex frowned. "It's fine if you wanna go to Boston. What's weird is that you have never brought that up before. Not once. We could have gone anytime. Any-freaking-time. And you choose _now_ to want to go to Boston? You really think that _now_ is a good time? With you being pregnant and all? I mean… what about your morning sickness? We really shouldn't risk flying, don't you think? And then, I can't imagine you being comfortable enough to go visit Boston or with friends or with….," Alex trailed off, slowly realizing what was going on. Jo who hadn't caught on to Alex finding out about her secret plan rambled on. _

_"__I'm not sick, I'm pregnant," she told him off sharply. _

_"__Did you call her?" Alex asked straight-forwardly, making Jo look up in shock. They looked at each other for a moment, before Alex stretched his head towards Jo and shook it at her to show his expectation of an answer. Jo shook her head, looking down at the brochure, appearing defeated. Alex took a deep breath and rounded the kitchen island to where Jo sat on a bar stool, sitting down next to her and turning her whole body around in one swift move to face him. _

_"__Talk to me," he told her sternly._

_"__I'm pregnant," Jo sighed. _

_"__Are you really? That's fantastic," Alex rolled his eyes at her. She looked up at him in annoyance._

_"__I'm having a baby. We're having a freaking baby. I need to know. I just… I need to know what made her leave me at the fire station. What made her give up on me. What made her give up on herself. I just… I need to know what it was so I can make sure to never make the same mistake," Jo rambled, looking down at her hands. Alex reached over to squeeze both of them, making her look up at his eyes. _

_"__Jo," he said, sighing. "You're not going to give your baby away," he told her. "You're not going to be a bad mom," he repeated. _

_"__You don't know that," she shook her head in what looked like offense. "You can't ever know before you actually have a baby," she stated. Alex closed his eyes. _

_"__Jo, we're in this together. We love each other. We're going to have a family. And it's going to be awesome. We'll work through it together. Whatever it is that may worry one of us or makes us doubt… we'll do it together. We'll be great, Jo. We already love our baby more than anything. And we've only known for – what? 3 weeks now? We are going to be fine, I promise," he tried to reassure her. Jo looked at him not quite believing what he said. _

_"__I just wanna know, Alex," she told him. "I wanna know what it was. I'm going to be a mom within the next year… I just wanna know. I wanna know what dangers are out there. I just wanna protect my baby. Please, Alex, just do this for me, please?" she begged him now. _

_"__You don't even know if it was your mom calling," Alex mused slowly. "You can't know that until you contact her. And you haven't, right? Contacted her?" Jo looked up at him slowly, trying to conceal the guilt that she felt bubbling up inside of her. She reached for her phone that was lying on the counter and scrolled to a specific thread between her and a person she had named _Potential Mother._ She pushed the phone into Alex's hand, watching his jaw muscle clench. _

J – Are you my mother? Sat 3.55 am

S – Depends on who you are… Sat 7.18 am

S – Josephine? Mon 1.39am

_Alex looked up at Jo exasperatedly. They shared a short gaze, Jo biting on her lips. "Why didn't you tell me?"_

_"__You were sleeping," Jo replied soberly. Alex sighed, looking at her exhaustedly. He rubbed his face with his hands before putting them down onto his thighs, musing. _

_"__Are you sure you wanna do this?"_

_"__No," Jo answered truthfully. _

_"__Why are we, then? I mean, it really… I support you 100%. This is absolutely not my decision to make. I have no idea what it is like to be in your position. I get that. So, I support you, one hundred percent. But I don't want you to do this because of the wrong reasons. If you do this, I want you to do this for yourself and not because of the fact that we're having a baby," he urged her. Jo shook her head. _

_"__You don't understand. I don't care about her. I care about the baby. I care about our family. I couldn't care less about _her _or what she's going to say to make me feel better," Jo yelled that last part. Alex put a hand on her thigh, trying to calm her. She breathed in deeply before continuing. "Please, Alex, I need you to do this with me. I can't do this alone. Booking the flight was on impulse. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it behind your back. I really… it was a kneejerk reaction. I was thinking about it and then I just… I just felt like I had to do this," she explained herself. "Please?" she looked at him, wide-eyed, pure desperation written all over her face. Alex sighed again and then shook his head. _

_"__Of course, Jo, of course I'm coming, that's not even the question at hand," he reached over to get a hold of her waist. "I'm just worried, you know that," he told her, pulling her closer towards him, hugging her. Jo put her arms around Alex tightly and tried to steady her insides. _Just don't cry. Remember, you're not doing this for her. You're doing this for the baby.

_[Late September 2018]_

_"__Did you find it?"_

_"__No," Alex glanced over at Jo grumpily. She was lying in their bed, looking awful. She had been sick for the better part of the last two days. She was throwing up frequently, not digesting any food, dehydration setting in slowly for not being able to drink a whole lot, sweating, cramping and… just feeling miserable. "It doesn't matter anyways, we can't go if you're like this," he pointed out to her._

_"__No, Alex, we're going," Jo told him with emphasis. "I told you, I'm going to be fine. The worst days have never lasted longer than this. I'll be fine by the time we're in Boston," she repeated. Alex shook his head, dutifully packing Jo's suitcase. He would argue with her until they had boarded the stupid plane but he knew there wasn't anything that could change her mind. So, he was packing her suitcase. _

_"__Are you done with yours?" Jo asked, before scrunching up her face and rolling over suddenly, violently barfing into a bucket that they had placed there a while ago. _

_"__Oh baby," Alex looked over at her painfully, walking closer and rubbing her back softly, sitting on the edge of the bed beside her. _

_"__Don't fuss," Jo shot back immediately, rinsing her mouth with a water bottle. "Are you?" Alex sighed and rolled his eyes at Jo's behavior. _

_"__No," he said. "It takes forever to pack yours. I'd be done in a minute if you decided you have packed enough unnecessary clothing. We're only going to be there for 3 nights," he reminded her, sharply. When he looked over at her, she had succumbed to silence, leaning against the headrest, looking at him with big eyes. Alex sighed again. "I'm sorry," he added, impulsively. _

_"__No, don't be," Jo snapped. "I'm trying to get my hormones under control, so I'm going to cry now but you're right, I'm behaving irrationally," Jo explained to him before the first tears were rolling down her cheeks. Alex smiled at her in pain. He couldn't believe how much he loved Jo. She wasn't even just herself even though she was pregnant with twins – they had found out at their last ultrasound and were still trying to deal with the shock – she even tried to overcome all clichés for him, fighting the hormones and getting mad with herself for being grumpy or bitchy or emotional for no good reason. It was so Jo even though he had told her a million times that he was okay with pregnant Jo. Hell, it was _pregnant Jo. _Alex leaned over to squeeze her thigh, trying to calm her. _

_"__No, don't, I'm okay," Jo stopped him immediately. "You got lots to do," she pointed out. "Also, I haven't brushed my teeth since throwing up. I have succumbed to a rhythm of brushing my teeth every third time, since this will still give me a clean mouth approximately every half hour of today. Uggghhh, I swear, I will dry out at some point," she ranted. _

_"__I told you, Jo, let's go and get you infused at the hospital. It'll be quick and effective and you'll feel a lot better and you know it," Alex said, throwing some random jeans and shirts and underwear in an extra suitcase for himself. _

_"__I'll be fine," she defended herself again. _

_"__You would be if you'd just let me take care of you," Alex barked. "Look, our flight goes out late tonight. We can swing by the hospital on our way to the airport. It'll take half an hour and you'll feel so much better and then we can just relax and try to sleep on the plane. Trust me, you'll wanna do that. And the flight attendings won't be happy with you looking like you do right now, either," he theorized. _

_"__We'll see," she just said, spitting in the bucket, feeling miserable. "Ugh, this is so gross," she complained. _

_"__Yeah, it really is," Alex chuckled. Jo got one of her pillows and threw it towards her husband, surprising him. He hiked his eyebrows and grinned at her maliciously. "Oh, really?" he said, walking closer intentionally slow, making her grin in anticipation. Alex made a sudden movement and jumped onto the bed, pinning her down and tickling her, making her scream and laugh. After a moment the tickles succumbed to soft touching and Alex started kissing her cleavage and neck all over. Jo still wriggling underneath him sighed and pulled him closer. His hands found their way underneath her shirt, stroking her waist and putting some pressure on the skin just underneath her elastic waistband hearing how Jo sucked in a sharp breath. When he had reached her pulse point through gentle kisses, Alex sucked on it lightly, making Jo squirm and moan subsequently. He rolled over onto his side, taking her with him, hugging her close, knowing that teasing her wasn't going to get him anywhere since she was way too miserable to have sex that day. _

_"__Have you at least called her by now?" Alex asked, his voice muffled by her hair. He could feel her shake her head. "What if she's not even there? What is it you wanna do then?"_

_"__Well, I'm not only going for her. I can't wait to see Mrs. Schmidt again. And I've been in touch with some of my college friends," she pondered, still a little out of breath but glad Alex had stopped since she really wasn't by any means capable of having sex with him in her state but on the other hand couldn't restrain herself once he started, either. _

_"__Yeah, but that's not why you wanted to go, and you know it," he pointed out. _

_"__I'm not sure how to contact her," Jo admitted. _

_"__Hit the call button," Alex suggested. Jo rolled her eyes at him, still quiet. "Or text her again," he varied his reply. _

_"__It's not that easy," she got defensive. _

_"__Jo, nobody said this was going to be easy. But you wanted to do it, so now it's time for you to take action. I'll be with you the entire time, I won't leave you alone," he promised her. _

_"__I know," Jo replied, looking up at him. "I know that. I'm sorry, Alex, I know I'm giving you a hard time, I do realize that. I mean, I know this is all far from perfect and I _do _feel crappy but it'll subside and I'll be just fine. I promise. And if I really feel worse than now, we can always go to a hospital in Boston. They have those, too, you know?" she winked at him. _

_"__I just need you to be okay. You're carrying my babies," Alex grinned at her for saying it like that. They both hadn't grasped what having twins meant to their lives entirely. She smiled slightly. _

_"__I know. And we're taking good care of them," she reached down to pet her slightly curved stomach. _

_"__I'll make sure of that," Alex told her while pulling her close again and kissing her forehead, her head nestling in the crook of his neck, before falling asleep gently. _

_While Jo was sleeping, Alex finished packing all their stuff and called into the E.R. to let them know they were coming over later that evening to get a bag of fluids shot through his wife before going on the plane. He sat himself down at the computer and looked at the search engine. He didn't know what to do. There wasn't anything he would find if he was going to type in 'Boston' as much as he wanted to get answers for her. He sighed. For the lack of a better idea, he checked them in on their plane online, considering where to best place themselves to sit close to the bathrooms, and then signed into his e-mail account to check their reservation at the Boston hotel. Alex sighed again when he could hear Jo throwing up again upstairs. He walked upstairs quickly, finding her clutching the bucket, crying her heart out silently. _

_"__Oh baby," Alex immediately rushed over and took her into his arms. "Oh God, you're killing me," he said, when Jo sobbed into his arms. "I would have never knocked you up if I knew this was what you'd have to endure," he whispered into her hair. Jo smiled in between sobs. _

_"__Stop talking," she got out before another wave of nausea overcame her and she rather closed her mouth opposed to accidentally barf while talking. She could feel how her head was lightly dizzy and her body started shivering for not getting enough food into her systems. _

_"__Do you think you can shower yourself down?" Alex asked her after a moment. _

_"__Of course," she glanced up at him in amusement. _

_"__No, I mean it, you've been lying down all day, you haven't eaten, and you've been throwing up everything that you tried to get into your systems. You might buckle under the pressure of standing up," he told her with emphasis. "I can help you if you want," he offered. _

_"__Oh, you just wanna catch a glimpse of me naked," Jo laughed, trying to diffuse the tension. Alex rolled his eyes. "But I'm really not up for any strenuous activities in the shower today," she blew him off. _

_"__I wasn't suggesting that," Alex told her in frustration. "I mean it, you should really get ready but I don't feel too good about leaving you to it," he said. _

_"__I'll be fine. Help me get up?" Jo looked at him with her pleading eyes. Alex pulled her up from the bed, helping her walk over to the bathroom. _

_"__Holler if you need anything, alright?" he told her again, Jo nodding. While Jo had her shower and brushed her teeth and got ready, Alex carried their entire luggage downstairs and opened up a can of chicken noodle soup to warm it. She probably wasn't going to keep it in her but they had to at least try. He perused the papers that were lying on the kitchen island and startled when Jo came up behind him, not having heard her take any steps. He looked back at her worriedly, watching her bend down to smell the soup and scrunch up her face immediately. She looked so fragile. She had put on an oversized wool sweater with black leggings and running shoes. You couldn't even make out she was pregnant underneath the shaggy pullover, and that said something with her 16 week twin belly that was growing at remarkable speed. _

_"__Have some soup," Alex ordered immediately, pulling her down on the barstool next to him. Jo groaned. _

_"__I don't feel like eating soup," she whined. "I'm just gonna throw it up again."_

_"__Try," Alex insisted. "Please," he told her, giving her convincing eyes. She sighed and slowly put spoonfuls of soup into her mouth. She scrunched up her face again while having the first few bites but Alex watched her eating grow faster and faster and smiled. "Pretty good, huh?"_

_"__Oh God, I'm so hungry," Jo exclaimed wide-eyed, making him chuckle. _

_"__Yeah, you don't say," he told her, leaning over to kiss her hair. "How are you feeling?"_

_"__Much better," Jo replied, greedily emptying the bowl and looking around. "Is there any more?" Alex laughed at her sudden appetite and got another can out of the laundry room and warmed it for her. _

_"__I'm glad you feel like eating," he told her. "I'm still a little nervous about flying out tonight," he confessed._

_"__I'll be fine," Jo promised, watching Alex's demeanor, studying his face. _He looked so worried. _When he came back carrying her second helpings, she reached for his hand and pulled him closer. "Hey," she whispered, directing him to bend down towards her eye-level and smiling. "Come here," she ordered, leaning in and kissing him. When he pulled back, they looked at each other. "Thank you for trying so hard to support me with my decision to go to Boston," she acknowledged his efforts. "I know you are fighting with yourself," she said, making him smile and nod slowly, sitting back down on his stool. _

_"__I'm just worried," he told her again, watching her tuck in healthily. _

_"__I know that, I really do, Alex, and that's why I love you even more," Jo slurped, making him chuckle. "I didn't plan it like this, either. But we both know that _this _really is just that. It's morning sickness," she emphasized. _

_"__Well, not exactly, it's hyperemesis gravidarum," he pointed out. Jo rolled her eyes. _

_"__Which is_ _extended morning sickness," she told him. _

_"__I know… but at this point I really… I'm wondering if those medical textbooks got it all wrong or if you are the worst case scenario they had never met," Alex sighed. Jo smiled at him. _

_"__We're going to get through this, okay?" _

_"__I don't have to get through it, though, Jo. _You_ have to. And I can't help you one bit. Aaaand it's driving me crazy," he chuckled. _

_"__I know it does, baby. Stop chastising yourself, though, for getting me pregnant," Jo looked over at him earnestly, putting her spoon down and reaching for his hand again. "This is the best thing that has happened to me since I've met _you. _And I might as well add that after I met you I really didn't think there would be more things that could hold a candle to having you in my life," she smiled at him lovingly. "I _wanna_ have your babies and I'm gonna carry them to full term no matter how much they'll make me barf and how many fluid bags they'll have to shoot through me, okay?" While she had been talking, Jo had grown the widest smile she had given him in a long time. "Alex," she said, trying to make him see which overwhelming emotions she had harboring inside. She pulled his hand an inch closer and put it on her belly that she felt was growing second after second. "These are _our _babies. _We _are having babies _together. _Like… they're going to be a mixture of you and me," she told him as if he hadn't realized that before. Jo could feel herself getting emotional again. "So, please, stop thinking stuff like if I hadn't knocked you up you wouldn't feel this crappy. Cause more than anything else… it just feels amazing," she chided him. He smiled and nodded. _

_"__Yeah, I know… it truly is one of the best things that have ever happened to me… I still don't like you suffering because of it," Alex told her. He hesitated shortly before shaping the next sentence. "But I'm not only worried because of that… you know that, right?"_

_"__Yeah, I know," Jo replied, having gone back to sipping her soup. They sat in silence again. Alex really didn't wanna push her. That was the last thing he wanted. But they were going to Boston _tonight._ She needed to make a decision. She needed to take action. He sighed. _Alright. They'd have a whole plane ride to think of something. Maybe she just needed to…be there before she knew how to face it.

_"__So, I know you haven't been out all day but, Jo… seriously, that's what you wanna wear?" Alex opted to leave the topic alone for the moment and instead eyed her doubtfully. _

_"__Yeah, what's wrong with it?" Jo looked up at him in surprise. _

_"__It's like 86 degrees out there," he told her. "And they said Boston is even worse this year. They're having a really late summer," he informed her. _

_"__That's why I'm wearing wool. You know, from a sheep," Jo pointed out wriggling her eyebrows at him, talking teasingly. "Those _sheep _that have to manage to regulate their body heat summer through winter. Wool keeps you cool when it's hot and it keeps you warm when it's cold. And since we'll be flying overnight… I really needed something to keep me warm. Also, I'm kind of cold I must say," she added. _

_"__You're cold? Ugh, Jo, you really aren't feeling well. You can't be feeling cold if it's that hot outside," Alex started worrying again. _

_"__Can you just go back to being a jerk? You make me worry now with all those frowns and painful eyes you give me. I have literally never in my life heard you think about my clothes. Well, except if you wanted them off," she pointed her spoon at him and chuckled. _

_After Jo had been done with eating they had packed and left, going over to the hospital to get Jo's fluids regulated – making her feel like the insides of her body were being showered, and best thing about it was… she didn't feel the need to throw it up again – and then went over to the airport. After some time Alex realized that with every step they were taking closer to Boston, Jo grew a little quieter. When they were standing in line for boarding, he pulled her into a side hug, making her smile up at him, obviously having surprised her during some serious spacing out. He kissed her head again, and Jo sighed against his chest, closing her eyes, letting herself be led towards the flight attendants who were checking tickets. Once inside the plane, Alex took the window seat while Jo took the aisle seat as a precaution to make her way to the bathroom the shortest they could prepare for her. Jo got herself belted, before tucking her feet underneath her bottom and getting mad with the uncooperative arm rest that parted her from Alex and wouldn't budge momentarily. When having eliminated all barriers between her and Alex, she snuggled into his side and closed her eyes immediately, not waking up again until they had hit ground in Massachusetts. _

_"__Hey, sweetie," Alex whispered towards a heavily sleeping Jo who hadn't moved once since they had boarded back in Seattle approximately 6 hours earlier. His wife was clinging tightly to his chest, her head resting in his arm crook and breathing evenly. He admired her peacefulness, especially regarding how cramped she must have been in her airplane seat. He smiled down at her. _Well, I'm glad she slept through it rather than barfed through it. _He admitted to himself. "Wake up, baby, we're here," he told her again, smiling back at the flight attending who had just passed them and looked down at Jo good-naturedly. Alex had asked them a little earlier if it was possible for him to take a muffin or two for his wife since she would be starving once they had landed and he didn't know how long it would take for them to find something to eat for her. Jo stirred lightly, grumbling something into his shoulder, turning her face into it as well and rubbing it on his shirt. He chuckled. "Come on, we're almost parked, you need to stretch your legs again, they must have died by now," he told her. _

_Jo looked up at him, stretching out her arms and then rubbing her eyes, smiling. Alex smiled back at her sleepy demeanor before pecking her lips softly and unbuckling himself to reach down for something in his bag. "Did I actually sleep all the way through?" Jo unbuckled herself as well, stretching her legs, feeling pretty energized. _

_"__Yes, ma'am," Alex grinned up at her. _

_"__How in the world did I do that?" Jo wondered genuinely. _

_"__You were exhausted from feeling so crappy," he pointed out for her, before getting up and ushering her out, racing all the people from the other rows behind them who had gotten up already. They walked towards the exit swiftly, fetching their suitcases from the flight attendants and entering the airport. "How are you feeling back on your feet?" Alex looked back when they passed security and walked out the doors on to the streets. _

_"__Actually, I feel pretty awesome right now. No nausea, no vertigo, no nothing. Well, hungry. I'm hungry," she widened her eyes at him, laughing. He waved down a cab for them and put the suitcases into the trunk. When he sank down into the seat next to Jo, he presented her with two blueberry muffins, grinning at her cheekily, before turning around to tell the driver where to go. He heard Jo groan in relief and chuckled. "You're really supporting my decision of marrying you so much right now," Jo sighed, already having stuffed half a muffin top inside her mouth, crumbling all over. Alex snorted. _

_"__You are being at the heyday of sexy right now, babe," he told her winking, earning a smug grin, before looking out the window. They sat in silence for a bit, Jo munching away on her muffins contently, her right leg draped over Alex's left, him running his fingers up and down her shin. _

_"__Welcome home," Alex could hear Jo say to herself in a dismissive tone, catching her look out the window for a second before turning her gaze downwards again, ignorant of the on goings outside and very interested in her left over muffin. He squeezed her knee for a second to make her look up. _

_"__Indeed, welcome home," he repeated, smiling. She smiled back insecurely, amazed by her husband who knew just how to say or do stuff in any situation to just… make it better. Even if it was only repeating something for her that she wasn't sure she liked saying out loud that much. Her eyes warmed up to him and after seeking his reassurance one more moment, she let her gaze wander out the window, watching the houses fly by, the parks and the cars, the little spots she knew so well, the hiding spots, the corners. All of a sudden, her heart swelled for having had the courage to come visit again. Even though she had been to Boston once after she had moved to Seattle, this time… it just felt like this was more than just that… coming to Boston. But it was like… coming to visit home. She smiled, grabbing Alex's hand for she knew he had everything to do with it. It was almost like… like she was bringing her boyfriend to meet with… her hometown. It felt weird. _

_"__This is Boston," Jo said sheepishly like she was introducing them, making him chuckle._

_"__You know, I've been to Boston before," Alex's eyes twinkled at hers. She sighed before laughing. Of course he had to ruin the moment. _

_"__But you've never been to _my_ Boston," she pouted slightly, making him laugh even more. _

_"__Yeah, why haven't you ever taken me, huh?" he participated in the silliness of the moment instantly. They laughed softly before the cab eventually dropped them off at their hotel. After checking in, Alex immediately dropped onto their bed since he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep on the plane due to his mind wandering over to possible mother daughter reunions and whatnot, and also in their time reckoning it was still 4am. He could feel Jo lie down and spoon him from behind and when she put an arm around his waist, he intertwined their fingers, feeling her soft breathing on his neck and the lightly curved baby belly touch to his back. He smiled before falling asleep gently. When he woke up again, he could hear Jo talking on the phone frantically. He turned around to lie on his back and rubbed his eyes, watching Jo stand at the window, looking out, walking from one spot to the other. When she realized he was up she smiled and immediately came to kneel down next to him on the bed, bending down to fetch a kiss. Alex wrapped an arm around her while she was still talking. _

_"__No I really don't see that happening, trust me," she told somebody on the other line. _

_Meanwhile, Alex had started running his fingers up and down Jo's thighs, teasing the insides of her legs lightly, making her look over at him, and biting her lips. Alex grinned at her cheekily before she leaned down and kissed him longingly and straddling him. _

_"__So, why aren't we just going over to _Queen's Head_?" Jo broke the kiss and directed the question into the phone, smiling at Alex's slow advances, him having put a hand underneath her sweater and running his fingers up and down her waist. He knew just how to drive her crazy._

_"__Yeah, whatever. Hey, so, my husband just woke up and we're going to go out in a minute, so can you just let me know what ya'll decide?" Jo spoke quickly before smiling and hanging up, throwing the cell away and bending down to kiss Alex deeply, snaking her hands around his neck and pulling him up to sit with her. When he started to kiss down her neck, she closed her eyes and moaned. _

_"__Who was that?"_

_"__Meg," she informed him without much fuss. _

_"__Who's that?"_

_"__One of the girls I hung out with at Harvard," she elaborated, losing her sweater. _

_"__Are you going to meet them?"_

_"__No, _we _are going to meet them," she smiled down at him, slowly peeling his shirt from him as well. When she came down to kiss him again, she startled, taking in a deep breath. _

_"__Oh no, what time is it?"_

_"__Um, 10.52," Alex replied, eager to continue what they were doing. _

_"__Fuck, Alex," she said, jumping up and hurrying into the bathroom. _

_"__What? Where are you going?" Alex whined being deprived of his gorgeous wife. _

_"__We're meeting with Mrs. Schmitt at 11.30," she explained. "And it's not a 5 minute stroll," she added, Alex falling back down on the bed, fake crying. Jo rushed over towards the suitcases when seeing his pathetic sniveling. She laughed. "Oh baby," she said, climbing him again, but only for a minute. She pecked his lips. "We're going to have enough time here to make up for that," she smiled widely, deepening the kiss for two more minutes before finally getting up for real and shooing him up, too. _

_A little later, when Jo had changed into shorts and a t-shirt that were pronouncing her belly a lot more than before and once Alex had also gotten rid of his long-sleeved gear they took another cab to go where they were planning to meet with Mrs. Schmitt. When they exited the cab and Jo looked around nervously, Alex grabbed her hand and squeezed it. She smiled, not looking at him, pulling him towards a café. When they walked closer, Jo started waving to somebody and grinning widely. Alex's glance turned over to the recipient of the smile when he made out a sixty-something good-looking woman, seemingly pressing her hands over her mouth and tearing up at the sight of Jo. They walked closer and when they stood before her, no words were exchanged but the two women hugged tightly. Alex smiled good-naturedly, sheepishly grazing the other guests with his eyes since quite a few of them were watching the scene. After a long moment it seemed to Alex, Mrs. Schmitt pulled back but held Jo at arm's length and observed her meticulously. _

_"__Oh, my girl," she breathed out after a while, Jo blushing slightly. "You look so well," she commented, not quite knowing what to say. _

_"__I've missed you," Jo just said, a tear running down her cheek. _

_"__Oh, now, what's that all about," Mrs. Schmitt chuckled, wiping the tear away with her thumb. _

_"__Yeah, sorry, I'm not quite myself at the moment," Jo tried to defend herself. _

_"__I can see that," Mrs. Schmitt nodded excitedly, smiling brightly and pointing at the baby belly. "I am so, so happy for you, Josephine," she exclaimed. _

_"__Oh, please, I might not be the angry teenager anymore but, please, don't call me that… that one didn't change," she spat out, making them all laugh. _

_"__Alright, alright," Mrs. Schmitt said, finally looking over at Alex. "Now, introduce me to this fine looking man, who's probably responsible for this," she again pointed at Jo's belly making her smile and readily held out her hand towards Alex. _

_"__This is my husband, Alex," Jo told her. "But you know that, I sent you wedding pictures," she scolded her. _

_"__Yeah, but that doesn't mean I've been properly introduced before," Mrs. Schmitt scolded Jo back in a very teacher like manner and chuckled, looking back at Alex. "I'm so happy to finally meet you. I can't tell you how grateful I am that Jo has found herself someone she truly wants to be with and trusts," she said. _

_"__Oh, can we stop talking about me as if I wasn't there at all?" Jo inquired, already sitting down at the little round table. They all laughed and started ordering their lunch choices. _

_"__So, how are you doing, sweetheart?" the older woman questioned Jo. "How's your pregnancy going?" Jo sighed. _

_"__Well, it's okay," she said, seeing how Alex was rolling his eyes at her statement out of the corner of her eye. Mrs. Schmitt looked over at him interestedly. "It _is_," she emphasized. _

_"__Why? Are you having problems?"_

_"__Well, I've been dealing with a condition called hyperemesis gravidarum. It really only is extended morning sickness. Alex here seems to think, though, that I'm suffering from a very serious disease," she winked at him. _

_"__That does sound bad, though, Jo," Mrs. Schmitt turned to worry in a second. "What exactly does it mean?"_

_"__It means my body can't cope with the fact that I'm carrying twins now and it's trying to… you know… accommodate. And while that is still happening… yeah, I'm having a bit of a hard time ingesting and digesting stuff – I mean not all the time… as you can see, I'm pretty hungry right now," she explained to her former teacher. "Which probably again can be detracted from the fact that the two days before we came here, I was throwing up all through," she narrated, making Mrs. Schmitt scrunch up her face. _

_"__I'm sorry, I know you taught me better about table talk," Jo immediately said, making Alex laugh and both women look at him. _

_"__I'm sorry," Alex chuckled, Jo trying not to lose her face and laugh with him. _

_"__Did I hear you were having twins?" Mrs. Schmitt turned back towards Jo who was smiling at her. She nodded. _

_"__Yeah, we found out… like 2 weeks ago? Is that right?" she turned over towards Alex who nodded. "It was quite the surprise," she admitted._

_"__Oh, that is wonderful," the older lady cooed. "I bet you all must be so excited," she looked at them expectantly, both of them nodding and smiling. _

_"__Well, more like nervous to be honest," Alex chimed up after having chewed on his pita. Mrs. Schmitt waved the comment away, meaning well. _

_"__That'll be over soon. It's just the first few weeks that'll be worth the nerves… everything else… it'll be amazing, let me tell you," she told them convincingly. _

_They all small talked for another hour or so before the conversation took a slightly different turn and they had reached a point in conversation which Jo wasn't quite comfortable with. _

_"__So, are you at all planning to go see that person that had contacted me a while back?" Mrs. Schmitt questioned Jo out of thin air it seemed. Jo looked back at her in shock._

_"__Um," she stammered, not knowing what to say. Mrs. Schmitt literally stared her former student down. "Well, actually, yes," she admitted, sheepishly. _

_"__Okay, have you been in contact with her lately?"_

_"__No," Jo immediately spat out. _

_"__What do you mean no?"_

_"__I haven't been in touch with her," Jo repeated. _

_"__But she knows you're in town, right?" Mrs. Schmitt chuckled about her own joke but turned to serious in a second when she realized she was right. "She doesn't know you're in town?" Jo shook her head at Mrs. Schmitt. _

_"__How do you think that's going to happen?"_

_"__Well…I… maybe… I'm not sure yet. I need to think about it some more," Jo nibbled at the last of her salad. "It's not that easy," she got angry again. _

_"__Easy? Tell me, which part of your life exactly has been the one that's been easy, Josephine? Don't get comfortable now! I know you can do this and I know you are not the person to hide from conflicts, so I don't see a problem here," Mrs. Schmitt shook her head at the younger woman. Alex smiled. That's exactly what Jo had needed to hear. Somebody else believing in her confidence. He knew Jo valued _his_ opinion and support above everyone else's, however, sometimes he just needed some back-up. Even though Jo had lots of friends and colleagues that supported her, she always seemed to look for a kind of family support. Usually she got that from Ruth and the Brans. But Mrs. Schmitt seemed to be just as much family as their Seattle family had grown to be._

_"__I'm not getting comfortable. I just… I needed a plan first, and I haven't thought about one. I mean, what am I even going to say? _Hi, my name's Jo Wilson and I might be your daughter; would you like to meet with me?"_ Jo looked at them with googly eyes, making fun of herself. Alex sighed, looking at her in pain, however, Mrs. Schmitt didn't seem to know any boundaries. _

_"__Yeah, that's exactly what I'd tell her. Look, Jo, if she wasn't your mom or she wouldn't wanna see you, she hadn't come see me all those years ago. And from what I heard, it took her a few years of courage as well, to talk to _me! _And she didn't even know what kind of relationship we uphold. So, I don't think she'll be complaining about how you introduce yourself. Just go for it. You'll never know otherwise and I don't think you'll be content with that, either," Mrs. Schmitt looked at Jo, both musing about what she had just said. _

_"__You're right," Jo sighed after a minute. _

_"__I know I am. Name one time I wasn't," the older woman looked at Jo making her laugh. _

_"__God, what would I have done without you while growing up?" she looked back at her, smiling gratefully. _

_"__You would have been just fine," Mrs. Schmitt patted Jo's arm affectionately. _

_They all sat and talked to each other about light-hearted subjects well into the afternoon and when they said their good-byes both women tried to keep their tears in. Mrs. Schmitt promised to get herself some much needed rest after a lifetime of teaching highschoolers and visiting with them in Seattle once the babies were born. They spent the rest of the afternoon walking around Boston, Jo telling stories from her childhood through to her years at medical school, some of them hilarious, some of them heartbreaking. Alex just enjoyed watching Jo relive her early life and getting to know her even better than he thought he already did. At night they met up with Jo's supposed college friends, which was rather funny and partly enlightening for Alex, again. Jo was completely beside herself with joy and content. Nothing soothed her hurting heart more than having Alex with her on this journey. When they lay in bed together, Alex scooted down to run his fingers across Jo's belly, resting his head on her thighs, showering her with light kisses to the growing babies. Jo smiled down at him in complete satisfaction. _

_"__Your mommy really was _something_ when she was growing up," he started talking, feeling a little sheepish but also knowing that people kept saying it was important to talk to the unborn. Moreover, it gave him the chance to talk about subjects she had been trying to dodge for months now. Jo chuckled. _

_"__Talk about yourself," she pointed out, smirking down at him. _

_"__Tell you what, you guys, let's make a deal. We'll give you everything you need once you're out and in return you promise you'll neither turn out like your angry teenage mom, nor your passive…or sometimes active aggressive teenage dad," he continued, making Jo laugh even more. _

_"__Can you say that again, I wanna record it on my phone and keep it for their 18__th__ birthday," Jo roared, kicking her feet out a little too hyped. Alex chuckled, feeling completely content. _

_"__Or we'll just let you be who you are and be there for you from beginning through end and then we'll just have to deal with the repercussions of that… cause, to be honest… I don't have any friends who grew up in utterly normal circumstances. Well I do, April Kepner. But see how that one turned out," Alex commented sarcastically, Jo's tummy shaking with laughter. "But that's okay. Your daddy, which is me by the way – let's make a deal there as well, once you come out, I'll expect you both to know me and call me by that name! So, I was raised in a very broken home and see… I didn't turn out too bad. Your mommy was raised in various homes… one of them consisting of a car and the 'raising' part done by herself… and look how she turned out… the most beautiful, gorgeous, smart, funny and lovable woman one could ever meet. And I bet it's really comfortable in there, too. Your mommy really did well for herself. Even though she didn't have any mommies or daddies for all too long to care for her while she was still young," Alex turned the conversation to where he wanted it to be. _

_"__Oh Alex," Jo whispered, knowing exactly what came next. He wouldn't let himself be interrupted, though. _

_"__I promise you guys, we'll never leave you or forget about you. Never ever. I'll make sure of that. But I think your mommy really needs closure to know why _her_ mommy decided to give the best baby a person could ever raise away from her," he pulled through, even though he already heard his wife sigh dramatically. "But that can only happen if she calls her, right? You guys are thinking along the same lines? Well, I knew I could only create smart babies… Yeah, I did know that. So, let's help mommy be smart as well, huh? Cause we all know she is but sometimes she needs a little family support to guide her. You guys up for that?" Alex listened to Jo's tummy theatrically. "Yeah, I knew you were. We're a team right. All four of us. We're a team," he repeated, before propping himself up on his elbow, glancing at her face. What he could read on it was love, probably due to Alex's sappy gig, insecurity, mostly he guessed because of him pushing her towards something she knew had to happen but scared the shit out of her, however, the third thing he thought he could spot somewhere in between those emotions was… confidence. And that was what he had tried to achieve in telling her that she _had _a family. And they were all with her. "Yep, so it's three against one, I'm sorry," Alex told her matter-of-factly. Jo closed her eyes and laughed silently, shaking her head. _

_"__You have no idea how much I love you," she stated when she opened up her eyes again. He smiled, inching up to be eye level with her. "And I know you're right," she told him, when he looked at her as if he was expecting an answer. She sighed heavily. "Give me my phone," she directed him. He turned round to retrieve it from the nightstand and pushed it into her waiting hand. Alex watched her type away on her phone before tossing it on the other side of her bed. "Now," she turned around to stare at his eyes with wild passion gleaming in them. "I have this itch that has to get scratched," she told him, making him frown for saying something so unlike Jo. She just laughed at his face. _

_"__Aren't you going to call her?"_

_"__No. I texted her. I can't talk to her. Not now, not on the phone. If I'm going to talk to her, it has to be face to face," she said, trying to finalize the matter, reaching over towards her husband, grabbing his shirt. "Now, make me squeal," she ordered him, earning a big laugh before they succumbed to the throes of their passion._

_-To be continued- _


	37. Chapter 37

_[Next day]_

_"__Are you even close to done? I'm bored out here," Alex yelled towards the closed bathroom door, lying on the bed and switching through the TV channels the hotel provided. _

_"__Just give me a minute," Jo yelled back, turning on a blow dryer. Alex sighed and rolled his eyes. As much as he understood where her fidgeting was coming from, by now he was getting tired of waiting for her. When the sounds of the blow dryer died down, he could hear her drop something on the floor and curse, rushing out of the bathroom the second after. Alex had to do a double take on his wife. _Whoa, she was hot. _When Jo nervously packed her purse and looked around for randomly strayed things, she noticed his googly eyes in passing. _

_"__What?" she barked at him. He smirked at her. _

_"__You are _hot_," he stressed the last part. She rolled her eyes at him, finishing up her packing. _

_"__You ready to go?" she asked him, realizing there was nothing left for her to do to postpone leaving the hotel room. Jo stood next to the door, looking at Alex a little flustered. She was pale, like she had been since the start of the pregnancy, but her cheeks were lightly rose colored probably due to nerves. Her hair looked perfect, like it always did and Alex couldn't by the life of him understand how she managed to do that with _all that hair _she had. A few strands in the front were disheveled like a wind breeze had just hit her. She was wearing a long, airy summer dress in all black that reached way down to her ankles and was belted underneath her boobs with golden brown leather. She was wearing sandals on her feet and a tight light-colored denim jacket to cover her shoulders. If he hadn't seen her every day of their lives together, he would have thought she had walked straight out of a catalog. His wife was so hot. Alex who was still lying flat on the bed tried to not drool all over her. He got up, switching off the TV and walking over towards her._

_"__I didn't know this was a dressy thing," he told her, looking down at his jeans and button up shirt. _

_"__It's not," she told him in irritation, walking out of the room. _

_"__Well, you look kind of dressy," he pointed out, following her to the elevators._

_"__No, I don't. This is completely undressy. I bought it last year at that crazy awesome Swiss department store when we went to Zurich. It was their summer collection. It's not dressy," she told him, stressing the last part. He smiled at her when they both leaned against the elevator walls opposite of each other. _

_"__You're still hot," Alex replied matter-of-factly. _

_"__You say that with everything I wear," Jo pointed out for him now. _

_"__True," he mused, grinning. She smiled back slightly. They rode down silently. _

_"__You can't make out I'm pregnant underneath the airily, black fabric," Jo admitted when the doors dinged open. Alex nodded, understanding where her thoughts were coming from. He took her hand and squeezed it, strolling out of the elevators. _

_"__She can't take anything away from you, Jo. You don't have to tell her anything about you. And she won't gather anything with just looking at you," he told her quietly, knowing she didn't want to say it out loud, let alone let anyone hear it. Alex knew she had heard him but was fine with the fact that she was ignoring it. They walked out of the lobby onto the sidewalk and Jo directed him through the streets towards their destination. "Where are you meeting her?" _

_"__Just up the street. I told her to wait for me by the ducklings in the public gardens at noon," Jo responded soberly. _

_"__It's only 11.30, you know," he told her, acknowledging the information. _

_"__I know," she said. "I wanted to have some time," she admitted. He nodded. When they waited for the lights to turn, he tugged at her arm, making her look at him. _

_"__Did she text you back?" Alex looked at her eyes deeply. She nodded. "So, she's coming?" Jo sighed._

_"__Well, apparently she is," she told him, pulling him across the street and strolling upwards, entering the park. It was a really nice Sunday morning and lots of families, kids, joggers and church goers where strolling in the park and by the pond. They walked around the waters and Alex could feel how Jo was growing slower and slower, gripping onto his hand tightly. They were nearing the golden ducklings but he couldn't make out any isolated person looking out for someone else. It was still early, though. He startled when Jo stopped abruptly. _

_"__Are you okay?" he turned around instantly, looking at her in horror. Jo frowned at him. _

_"__Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" she chuckled with a questioning look. "Why are you looking at me like that?"_

_"__Oh," he answered sheepishly. "I don't know. I was spacing out, I kind of thought you stopped because you weren't feeling well," he said. Jo smiled at him, shaking her head. She turned around to face the pond, watching the on goings on the opposite bank. Alex let go of her hand and walked up behind her, embracing her, putting his head on her shoulder and looking straight ahead, watching the same thing she was. _

_"__You know," she said after a while. "When I was little…," she started, making him smile. _

_"__You used to dream that your dad would materialize and take you here to feed the ducks," he finished for her. "I know the story, Jo," he smiled. She looked back at him in surprise. _

_"__You remember that?"_

_"__Of course I remember that. What kind of stupid ass husband do you think I am?" Alex chuckled at her. _

_"__No, stop it, you know I didn't mean it that way," she told him, smiling. "I love that you remember that," she said. "I'm not even sure when or why I told you that," she mused._

_"__You tried to make a point about having a dad when mine was strapped to a hospital bed on cold turkey," he recalled for her. _

_"__Yeah, that's right," Jo said, chuckling. Alex bent down to kiss her shoulder, Jo playing with his fingers that were entwined with hers on top of her tummy. They succumbed to silence while still watching the on goings. Alex could feel a shiver running through Jo and held her to him a little tighter. _

_"__It's going to be okay," he whispered into her ear, even though he knew that wasn't making things easier. But he sure knew she just needed to hear his soothing voice at the moment. "Don't worry, just relax, you'll be just fine. Remember, you are only going to ask her what you wanna know… you don't have to answer any of her questions. You don't have to let her upset you… it's not family you're looking for, it's answers," he said, Jo making very tiny head movements in agreement. She closed her eyes and breathed out heavily, focusing on Alex's arms around her and his low soothing voice. _

_"__Is she there yet?" she asked, eyes still closed. Alex pulled his head around to study the general area. _

_"__Um," he hesitated, trying to identify every person within the surroundings. "Doesn't seem like it. But you know, she could be anyone… and also, she could be anywhere," he tried to console her. She nodded again. _

_"__What time is it?" Jo asked again. Alex looked down at his watch._

_"__It's 5 till," he replied dutifully. _

_"__Alright," Jo decided after a minute, turning around in his embrace. "Let's go," she said, kissing him softly. "I'm sure as hell not going to be the one approaching her. The ball is in her court," she said. Alex nodded, looking at her deeply. _

_"__You gonna be okay?" _

_"__Yeah, I'll be fine," Jo smiled back at him, initiating a slightly longer kiss. "I have _you_ by my side," she said, running her fingers through his hair. Alex hiked his eyebrows. _

_"__Do you want me to actually come with to talk to her?" Jo looked taken aback by his question._

_"__Yes," she nodded heavily. "Yes, of course," she said. "I can't do this without you," she panicked a little. _

_"__Hey, hey, it's okay, I'll come, I just…. I wasn't aware that you'd want that," he replied sheepishly._

_"__Yes, absolutely. I'm sorry I'm pulling you into all of this… I really am. But right now, I really don't feel like I can do this without you. I just need you to be there with me, alright? You don't have to say anything. Anything at all. I just… I need to know that there's someone I can count on," Jo rambled quickly, her pulse accelerating already. _

_"__Always," he told her, his eyes not letting go of hers. "You can always count on me," Alex repeated, before matching their lips together and trying to tell her even more within that kiss. When he pulled back, Jo took a deep breath and nodded. _

_"__Okay," she said. "I'm ready." _

_They walked the little path up towards the ducklings, both searching the area without talking much. Alex had no idea who to look out for. He was definitely on look out for a woman. And she had to be at least… in her… late forties, minimum… but other than that… he didn't know anything about that woman. Worse even, Jo didn't either. His glance grazed over all park visitors, getting caught on every female person, letting his filter run over her and deciding if she was a suitable candidate. How would she seem? Nervous? Indifferent? Concealed, maybe? Young? Old? Regretful? Was she going to be alone or was she going to bring someone herself? When they had reached the height of the ducklings, Jo pulled him over towards the next bench and sat herself. She took off her jacket, slinging it over her purse and leaning back on the arm Alex had put out and crossing her legs. Alex knew from another angle nobody would be able to make it out through her dark sun glasses but he could see her eyes searching about restlessly from the side. They sat for a while before a rather young woman, maybe around fifty, materialized from the other side of the bushes, walking towards the golden duckling statues a little fidgety, looking around for what seemed… another person. Alex felt how Jo stiffened beside him and he unceremoniously grabbed her hand to squeeze it. _

_The woman who was still looking for who- or whatever was standing about fifty feet away, her back towards them but they both knew she was who they were expecting to meet. She was slim, and she was wearing tight navy blue jeans and a short sleeved pink and white shirt, clutching a purse underneath her armpit. Her hair was long and wavy, a little darker than Jo's. Alex didn't know why but the unfamiliar woman's demeanor gave her away immediately. At that moment, the woman had turned towards the pond, raised her sunglasses from her eyes a couple of inches and squinted her eyes at the people, slowly turning in a circle. Jo had let go of Alex's hand and uncrossed her feet, supporting herself with both arms on the bench, leaning forward a bit and tangling her feet. She looked at the person straightforwardly. The lady was still slowly turning towards them and froze as soon as she laid eyes on Jo. It took her a minute to unfreeze; meanwhile Jo had let her head hang lazily and watched her own feet tangle to the ground, waiting for the woman to approach her. Alex kept watching her. It took a minute but then she lowered her sunglasses altogether and looked like she was taking a deep breath and started walking towards them. Alex could feel a big lump rising in his throat, apprehensive of what was going to happen. The first thing that came to mind when the lady was only feet away was shielding Jo from her. Emotionally. But also physically. _

_Since Jo was still looking down at her feet, the woman locked eyes with Alex, looking at him questioningly. Alex would have laughed if it hadn't been that serious. He knew how tense that person had to be in her situation but if they really weren't who she was looking for, Alex or Jo would have certainly already told her to get lost. So, he tried to not laugh at her questioning look. _

_"__Josephine?" the woman jerked out when she was in talking distance, her voice trembling. Alex could feel Jo sigh before she looked up at the woman, who was hovering at a safe distance to just apologize and get lost if this wasn't who she was here for. He startled when Jo got up and stared at the woman for a second. After a short moment, she stretched out her hand towards the woman, anticipating a greeting. _

_"__Hi," she said, clearly having put on a mask. Alex got up as well. "My name's Jo Wilson," she said, matter-of-factly. The woman looked at her in wonder. She shook her head slightly as if to keep her from spacing out and shook Jo's hand. _

_"__Hi," she replied. "I'm Samantha," she hesitated. "Samantha Wilson," she stated heavy-heartedly. Jo looked taken aback. She didn't know what to say for a second, both staring at each other warily. _

_"__Um," Jo said, grabbing Alex's shirt nervously, pointing over at him, "this is Alex," she introduced him. Alex smiled slightly, offering his hand to Samantha who shook it slowly, glancing at him quickly, giving him a smile, before staring back at Jo. "He's my… he's Alex," Jo stumbled out, thinking about how Alex had assured her that she didn't have to give anything away if she didn't want to. _

_"__Okay," Samantha voiced quizzically, not wanting to push it either. _

_"__He's my husband, actually," Jo finally said, deciding that there wasn't any scenario she could imagine in which she wanted to hide who Alex was to her, the other woman nodding appreciatively. The air between all of them was tense and Alex could feel how both women were thinking along the same lines. What were they going to talk about? Who was going to initiate talking first? How were they going to part? Alex felt a little needless. "Let's walk up this way," Jo decided suddenly, pointing towards Boston Common, startling him. Samantha nodded immediately and they moved. _

_"__So, how did you get my number?" Jo asked straight-forwardly, still keeping her mask in place._

_"__Your teacher, Mrs. Schmitt, gave it to me," the other woman told her. _

_"__How did you find Mrs. Schmitt? How did you know this was the high school I had gone to?" Jo looked at the older woman sharply, not intending to let her off the hook. Samantha tucked in a sharp breath. _

_"__I have this picture of you from when you were little. Like only a couple of days old. I left town after… you know… but I came back years later and I… started looking for you. All over. Of course, I couldn't go to the fire station to claim you back, I mean what I did was illegal… at least at that time," she rambled, Jo following her narrations with an unimpressed look plastered on her face. "Well, so I started looking for you… I would go and watch the kids at the school parks… to try to make out which one you could have been… with only that one picture tucked into my wallet. I never really found a girl that I thought might actually turn out to be you. Until that one time, years later. I really only still went to schools to watch because it had grown to be a habit of my life," she explained. _

_"__You know for all you know they could have introduced all those kidnapping laws of Massachusetts because they were thinking you're a crazy stalker," Jo interrupted her. Samantha chuckled slightly about her… about Jo's sarcasm._

_"__Anyways, I was on my way to work one day and I saw you drive by… you must have been… well 16 or 17 I guess. Around the same age that I was when I had you. You looked just like me. I didn't know if it was true or anything else… I didn't have proof of course. For all I knew you could have been adopted into a family in Hawaii. But I saw you that one time and I _knew _… I knew it was you," Samantha told her, her voice laced with something that sounded like hope. _

_"__Well, don't pride yourself with mother's intuition, as we can see it's not like anybody could miss it. We look alike," Jo stated, looking at Samantha's face, studying her features, seeing so much of herself in that face. It was so unfair. There were people, families, families that were more family than any other freaking family that really deserved to have kids looking like them. Families that would boast about having kids that look just like them. Families that would grow closer together just because of that. And then she knew so many families in which none of the kids had any similar features to their parents', not even talking about all the adoptive or patchwork families she knew, but their biological kids and she really wished she could give that to them. But no, her _mother_ it seemed who had abandoned her when she was a week old, who had left her to the hounds, that mother had apparently needed to hand her looks down to Jo. Of course, she would have hit that jackpot. _

_"__I know that, trust me. So I followed you and you parked behind that school. All the time," she said. "I… I didn't know what to do, I really didn't. When I started this whole… initiative of trying to find out who you were…well, it started way back… you must have been… 11 or something. I had this short streak of… what if… what if I had never given you up, you know? I just… I really wanted and needed to make amends… but once I finally found you, years later, I… I couldn't. I wasn't ready to be a mother. Just like on the day you were born. I just… I wasn't ready. So I never approached you. But then, a couple of years ago… I… well, your grandmother died," she explained. "And it was always her wish for me to just… to make contact with you," she said. "So I did. And your old school really was the only lead I had," she finished. _

_"__So you're here to stem your guilt towards your own mother," Jo concluded after hearing out the person saying she was _her_ mother. Samantha looked at Jo bewildered. She had tried to imagine for years what it was going to be like when she finally met the person who she had once had the chance to claim as her daughter. She had tried to imagine what kind of life she would have and what she would look like. Jo hadn't let her have a lot of information yet, but she seemed self-confident and settled, and even though she seemed angry at the moment, she looked like she was happy with her life. And she was beautiful. Even more beautiful than herself, and she knew that's the only thing everybody had always told her._ Don't let your beauty get in the way of your life. _But she had let that slip. She had let herself be seduced…by several men, and then she had gone down a wild slide… Samantha shook her head to clear her thoughts. Anyways, she was taken aback by how cruel a person that looked so unbelievably content could be. _

_"__I guess I deserve that," Samantha replied, looking up at Jo apologetically. Jo held their gaze, not wanting to be the one who broke under the pressure. Samantha bit her lip nervously, fidgeting with her hands and eventually glancing down to her feet. They had stopped at a little creek by the frog pond, the three of them standing awkwardly beside each other. Jo sighed, turning back, facing Alex and matching their eyes. She looked exhausted. She didn't look nervous anymore or all too agitated. She just looked exhausted. Like... she was trying to listen and understand but she just couldn't because she just wasn't the person to even hypothetically grasp the concept of leaving their own kid behind. Alex looked back at her eyes steadily, trying to give her as much space as she needed, trying to not give her too many emotions with his look, so she wouldn't feel pushed into a direction. She smiled at him slightly before turning around and leaning onto his broad frame, his hands immediately snapping up to rub her arms up and down, while she stared at Samantha directly. _

_"__I really am sorry, Josephine," Samantha tried to voice. _

_"__Don't call me that," Jo snapped back immediately. _

_"__Okay," Samantha looked taken aback. _

_"__What she means is, you should call her Jo," Alex chimed in for he knew Samantha was going to run again after a moment or two if Jo kept biting her head off every chance she got and he couldn't deal with an angry pregnant Jo who would be even more miserable because her mother would have left her twice. As much as she tried to deny it, he knew exactly what she was thinking. Samantha nodded gratefully before Alex bent down and kissed Jo's neck softly, telling her he wasn't playing against her. Jo sighed. _

_"__Why?" Jo questioned out of thin air. Samantha looked up at her, uncertainty mirroring off her face._

_"__I… I was so young," Samantha tried to explain. _

_"__That's not a reason to leave a baby at the fire station," Jo came back. _

_"__I didn't have any support," she went on. _

_"__That's not a reason to leave a baby at the fire station," Jo repeated. "Oh, and I doubt _that_ if you had a mother who wanted you to be in touch with your daughter," she added, surprising Alex since this was the first time she had actively labeled the relationship between her and Samantha as what it was but he knew that Jo hadn't realized it herself. Samantha had though, he could see it in her eyes. _

_"__I didn't have a baby daddy to turn to," she tried. _

_"__Well, really, you're trying to score sympathy points with that? Not knowing who my dad is? That's… that's awesome," Jo chuckled. "Oh, and still no reason to leave a baby at the fire station," she added, Alex rolling his eyes. _

_"__I would have been a terrible mother, Jo," Samantha begged with her now. "If I hadn't given you up, I would have probably brought you up in some drug junkie's dirt hole. Or maybe let you sleep in the car while I was doing shifts at the Shake Shack, like I did it the first week," she pleaded. "I was a terrible, terrible person back then. I had no idea what to do with a baby. I had no idea how much responsibility a baby meant to my life. I had no fucking idea, Jo. I was sixteen. Look, I know it's bad, I know, it's terrible. I know what it must look like to you," Samantha took a step closer to make her see. "But I think I did you a favor, not taking you on the joyride that's been my life until now," she said. Jo chuckled, evil glittering in her eyes. _

_"__That is no reason to leave a baby at the fire station," Jo just repeated, finally making Samantha lose her cool. _

_"__You were crying all the time," Samantha yelled, making some people around them startle. "You were crying when you were hungry, and when I had fed you, you had a messy diaper, if that wasn't the case you were hot or cold or it was too loud or you just… I don't know… you just cried, all the time. You never let me have an hour of sleep. I slowly realized babies were only really cute when their memory was cherished on a picture. I was so tired. And I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go back to my parents… I just wouldn't. And I couldn't handle you myself. Look, Jo, I understand why you are angry with me… but can you please at least try to see why I did it?"_

_Jo looked at her with wide eyes and a forming smirk on her face. She really couldn't believe how bold that woman was. And then she couldn't believe that she had still not gotten the point Jo was trying to make. _

_"__Okay, I'm going to say it one last time: that's still not a reason to leave a baby at the fire station," Jo stressed every word, her mother looking at her like she was scared that Jo was going crazy._

_"__She's saying you could have opted for ten different solutions that would have provided Jo at least a little bit of comfort during her childhood instead of leaving her at the steps of a fire station with only her name and birth date and whatnot," Alex clarified for Samantha, even though he could hear Jo sigh in his arms for him being too 'kind' towards her. Samantha looked at him questioningly. _

_"__What do you mean by that?" _

_"__Well, you could have given me up for adoption, you could have let your parents raise me, you could have left me at the hospital with the nurses, for all I know you could have given me to a church and they would have raised me," Jo ranted. _

_"__Wait, I thought I did that. With leaving you at the fire station… I thought I did give you up for adoption," she questioned her. _

_"__Well, sadly, it's not that easy. It was a crime you did, at least back then. There weren't any baby safe haven laws out there to protect you or me. You abandoned your child, do you get that? I was lying on the steps out in the cold for hours before somebody found me. They took me to the hospital and I came to live with a foster family for a while but with all the investigations that were going on for trying to find out if I was a kidnapped baby or an abandoned baby, and most of all by whom, I never stayed long in one of those homes. Also, as you said correctly, I was a fussy baby and people who are not a baby's parent usually tend to not want to deal with a fussy baby that isn't theirs. So yeah, _mother, _when you abandoned me back in 1987, you made my life _pretty _complicated," Jo barked at Samantha who looked like somebody had just given her a blow to the stomach. _

_"__Are you saying you have never been adopted? You never had a family?"_

_"__Bingo," Jo sighed, looking down at her feet. Alex knew Jo was mad beyond belief but also fighting desperately with her pregnancy hormones that would have actually made her cry twenty minutes ago and Alex was impressed of how long she had endured it just to not let Samantha see the pain she was going through. _

_"__That's… that is… I mean… can that even happen?" Samantha stumbled out. _

_"__Apparently, yes," Jo gave back to her. They watched each other in silence for a while. _

_"__I'm so, so sorry, Jo," Samantha voiced, genuinely seeming to hurt. Jo kept quiet, staring at her. "But just look what you've become," Samantha started gushing, not able to keep it in anymore, pointing a finger at them. "You look so well," she said. "You look so much better than I ever did in all my life," she admitted. "You're all grown up and you seem so well and you have a handsome husband who supports you and from what you're wearing you must do very well in your job and… you just… you're practically glowing," Samantha rambled. "You really look like a lot of people could envy you for your life," she finished, giving Jo a pleading look._

_"__First of all, you don't know that. You just made that all up… You have no idea who I am or what I do for a living. Second of all, you have _nothing, nothing whatsoever, _to do with who I grew up to be. I had other people care for me. Not many, but I did. There was Mrs. Schmitt who got me through high school and then there was Megan Brailer who would kick me through college. Cause even though I eventually graduated on top of my class, sometimes I just felt like there was nothing and nobody whatsoever that would benefit from what I was doing. I was wrong of course, _I _benefitted from it. But it took me years, decades, to realize that I'm not living for somebody else, I'm not leading this life for a mother or a father I never had or any other person than me. I'm doing this for me. And it's perfect. And then I met Alex and he's been my family ever since. I don't need you. I don't need anyone else, I have my family right here," Jo rushed out, holding Alex's arms a little bit tighter. "I don't care if you feel guilty or ashamed or rueful. I don't need you. And my life has nothing to do with how you did or did not raise me. It's true, I would have probably turned out differently if you had raised me, however _that_ would have gone. But I'm not gonna have you say that I was better off without anyone to love me. Do you know what it's like? What it's like to have nobody love you? Nobody care about you? Nobody even claim you?" Jo begged her now, and Alex could feel how she started shivering from inside and tears started running down her cheeks. She stared at Samantha for a moment, trying to get an answer from her, but said one was too hurt to say anything. After a moment, Jo shook her head and turned it over towards the frog pond, wiping the tears away madly, Alex seeing the irritation on her face for succumbing to tears. He bent down to kiss her head, making her eyes close for a minute. When she opened them up again, Samantha was trying to form a sentence. _

_"__I do know what you do for a living," she said. _

_"__How?"_

_"__I googled you," she replied. _

_"__You googled me?" Jo answered quizzically and Alex could hear that if it wasn't Samantha standing opposite Jo she would have chuckled due to the ridiculousness of the situation. _

_"__Yes. You are a trauma surgeon in Seattle. You work with a person called April something. You are very successful they say even though you are so young and just finished your training," Samantha recited everything she could remember from the article she had bookmarked on her laptop at home. Jo looked at her in surprise. _

_"__I didn't know you could find a medical article as an amateur. I thought they were exclusive to people accessing a medical database," she mused. _

_"__You've been published in more journals than the _Annals of Surgery_. Also, Mariah definitely put you and Kepner on the GSMH website when you got published. If you google your name I bet that'll come up first thing," Alex pointed out for her quietly. _

_"__Kepner, that's the name," Samantha nodded, looking deeply in thought, Jo frowning at her. _

_"__Why do you wanna know things about me now?"_

_"__You're my daughter, Jo. I can't help but be curious," Samantha smiled at her cautiously._

_"__Yeah, but I'm not. I'm not your daughter. I won't ever be your daughter. You gave up that right when you put me on that freaking ice cold doorstep 31 years back," Jo told her. _

_"__You think about me, right? Sometimes, at least? You think about me? I mean, I made you cry a couple of minutes ago. You can't not be affected by this just as much as I can't pretend like I'm not shaken by all of what's going on… right?" Samantha begged with her again. _

_"__You didn't make me cry, my hormones made me cry," Jo cut her sharply, immediately regretting what she had given away with that statement, turning her face to look over the water, taking a deep breath. _

_"__You're pregnant?" Samantha's eyes grew wide and suddenly Alex could see regret and anger and helplessness and desperation wash over her. "Oh, Jo," she said, trying to match their eyes. "Is that why you've finally decided you wanna meet with me? Because you wanna not make the same mistakes?" Jo looked up at Samantha, who had momentarily taken her ready wit away. The older one smiled at her. "It's okay. I don't claim to know you or anything. I just… it's natural to wanna know things about your own past when you're creating the future," she told her, trying to mend fences. _

_"__Well, you did help me with this," Jo told her matter-of-factly, having gotten her angry voice back. "I know now that I will never ever be able to leave my kids for whatever reason," she said, clutching her belly. Samantha looked at her with a sad smile. _

_"__You have no idea how much I wish I could say the same thing for myself," she confessed. Jo looked at her, pondering. From the side, Alex could see how her chin and the crease on her forehead trembled slightly with unshed tears and how she bit down on her lips, almost making herself bleed. _

_"__Yeah, don't we all," she said after a minute, trying to catch herself. _

_"__I feel like there's so much I wanna tell you," Samantha said after a while. _

_"__Don't," Jo advised her sharply. They stood quietly, nobody knowing what to say anymore. _

_"__So, Wilson is your married name?" Samantha tried to find out about the weird circumstances. _

_"__No," Jo shook her head with a frown. "Didn't you write it down for them when you left me?"_

_"__I did," she said, nervously. _

_"__You know how stupid that is, right? With having done something illegal and all?"_

_"__I didn't really think back then. And I left the state right after. I just… I couldn't leave you with just that. I… felt like you needed to have a name. And… when I tried to decide what to give away about you… I was actually hoping for somebody to make a connection to my hospital stay… when I gave birth to you… and bring the baby back to my parents or something. I only realized a lot later how many freaking Wilsons are out there. It was impossible for them to connect the dots, I guess," she tried to reason. _

_"__Why didn't you just give me to your parents?"_

_"__My parents despised me, Jo. I was a disgrace to their family. But I was hoping if the police brought them a young child that they knew could only be mine… they would take care of you. Cause they didn't hate you… they just hated me. And with me gone… they could have taken care of you," she said. _

_"__But why didn't you just leave me on their doorstep?"_

_"__Because… well, look, I was in a bad place. I didn't think straight. I was hormonal," she pointed out for her, smiling slightly for trying to connect to something Jo knew a lot about at the moment. Jo's face didn't flicker one tiny bit. Samantha sighed, looking down at the ground. "I was hoping somebody else would make a decision for me. I was hoping that even though I did something despicable that you wouldn't have to suffer and the authorities would do the only reasonable thing I could think of and put you back with my parents. But that was a decision that I wasn't able to make. I was a dumb teenager. I know that now," she concluded. They stayed in silence for another bit. _

_"__I really wish your ego and pride would have been a little smaller. And I hope you learned that some actions you take in your life really aren't all about you but affect other people so much more," Jo spat out, anger raising in her voice and her cleavage getting flustered with spots of red. _

_"__You sound like a mom already," Samantha pointed out half-heartedly. Jo sighed, Samantha awaiting her reaction patiently. Jo let go of Alex and took a few steps away, turning around swiftly, making her dress get caught by the wind and outlining her small but defined baby belly perfectly. Samantha smiled at the sight of her. _

_"__Thanks, really, I needed that," Jo said without any emotion showing on her face. "But please, don't ever contact me again. I don't need you. I have learned to live without you. You taught me well in that regard," she gave her one more burning look, before shifting her gaze towards Alex who was still standing next to Samantha, looking at her in pain, before turning around and walking downwards directing herself to their hotel at a fast pace. Alex stared after her for a second before looking over at Samantha who had one single tear running down her cheek which surprised him. When he looked at her, she turned over towards him, matching their eyes. _

_"__I'm so, so sorry," Samantha voiced again, Alex nodding curtly. "Please take good care of her. I know you will. She looks so happy. You both do. Don't let anything get in your way," she said, pleading with him. He jerked away slowly when she tried to squeeze his arm. _

_"__She has had the most terrible childhood a girl could have. You can't take that back with apologizing. I know you think you did the best you could at that time but you didn't do enough. I know she's trying to understand but she won't. Don't expect to hear from her ever again. You'll only be disappointed. You've given her closure now. And I'm grateful for that, I really am. But I won't be grateful for you. You've missed out on one of the most amazing people there are on this planet, I promise you. Yes, she's done well for herself. But you did not deserve to know about it or her," Alex told her, holding her gaze intently. He felt like even he had to make closure with the woman who had dared giving up on his girl. Samantha nodded, tears covering her eyes. _

_"__It seems like she has found herself a pretty amazing person herself," she stated, smiling slightly. "I'm backing off now, I promise. She deserves the life she has. I don't. I get that. But you know… making bad decisions doesn't make you a bad person," she pointed out half-heartedly._

_"__That's true," Alex gave her after listening to her closely. "It doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. It just makes you a person that Jo and I don't wanna get to know," he said, also smiling curtly now. "Have a good life," he said, turning around and jogging after Jo who had already walked out of his eyeshot, leaving a much shaken Samantha standing alone, not once turning back. _


	38. Chapter 38

_When Alex opened up the door to their hotel room with his swipe card, he spotted Jo leaning against the dresser casually, looking down at her feet. He closed the door behind him, hovering at the spot, making her look up at him. Her face was steady; she didn't seem to have shed anymore tears. When their eyes matched, he couldn't read her expression. After a moment, she pushed herself off the dresser and walked towards him. _

_"__Shower, now," she ordered, walking by him into the bathroom. Alex sighed deeply, following her into the bathroom, where she stood, turning to face him, loosening her dress which fell to the bathroom floor immediately and stepping out of it. She still looked at him steadily, prompting him to move. _

_"__Jo," he started, unsure how to handle this emotion-void Jo. _

_"__Lose your clothing," she requested again, getting rid of her wrap-around bra. Alex let his head fall towards his shoulder, looking at her in desperation. "Come on," she said, sounding impatient, standing before him half naked. _

_"__Jo," he said again, a little sharper now, walking towards her, trying to make her stop. She grabbed the hem of his shirt and took it off, her eyes burning into his._

_"__That's better," she smiled up at him, ignoring his attempts to talk about what had happened. She took another step closer, wrapping her arms around his waist loosely, touching her breasts to his chest, moistening her lips and looking up at him for a reaction. He sighed before cupping her head with his hands and swooping down slowly to kiss her. Jo closed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose, anticipating his tongue opening her mouth gently. She ran her hands up his chest before locking them around his neck, standing on her toes to get closer to him, deepening the kiss. Alex's arms moved down her back, making her moan quietly, moving underneath her panties and squeezing her butt. Their touches were feathery light and slow and the passion inside burned continuously, gradually building up to the deep desire they felt for each other. Alex backed her up towards the glassed-in shower, meanwhile pulling down her panties just enough for them to fall down on their own. Jo sighed when she hit the cold glass behind her, moving her arms down towards his pants and opening them up. She could feel how his erection was slowly building with every move they made, and the slow rhythm their kissing had taken up. Her mind was cleaned of anything but their lazy encounter, feeling every touch and every kiss deeply in her guts. She clutched the elastic waistband of his boxers and pulled them down towards his feet, breaking the kiss and showering him with affection to his manhood. Alex groaned, leaning his arms against the glass, closing his eyes when he felt her exploring his penis and balls with her soft, small hands. He felt dizzy with all the blood rushing towards where Jo was entertaining herself, sucking lightly on the tip of his penis, rubbing it gently. _

_After a moment, Jo looked up at Alex who was moaning quietly at the encounter of her hands and mouth to his penis, matching eyes with him, feeling how they just connected, without words, without anything but the gestures to each other that radiated love and affection and lust. He looked down at her burningly, before grasping her underneath her armpits and pulling her up, embracing her with another kiss that took both their breaths away. Alex held her tightly to him before opening the glass door slowly and backing her into the shower, turning on the water. They both gasped at the cold water hitting their heated bodies, Alex breaking the kiss and trailing sloppy smooches down her neck, sucking on the skin covering her collarbone. Jo's head was leaning back against the tiles, watching and feeling the sensation of him taking care of her. His hands found their way towards her womanhood, teasing her lightly, Jo's eyes fluttering close when she felt his fingers grazing her outer lips, invading them and starting to bother her spot. _

_"__Alex," she sighed, her body reacting to his touch like it never had with anyone else. Alex who had been biting down on her neck slightly harder, brought up his head and matched their eyes, when he felt Jo's fingers running down his spine, cupping his ass in pleasure. He almost lost it when she gave him the tiniest smile once their eyes were burning into each other. He kissed her again, reaching down her throat metaphorically making her emit noises of pleasure. Alex retrieved one of her arms to intertwine their fingers and press it up against the tile wall behind her, Jo's second hand finding its way towards his penis again. He groaned loudly, breaking the kiss and leaning his forehead against hers. They were both biting down on their lower lips, trying to elongate their foreplay before they couldn't take the tension anymore with Alex wrapping his hands around her and lifting her up, her body held up between his and her back pressed into the wall. She smiled slightly, turned on by how strong she knew Alex's muscles were, holding her up during their lovemaking even considering that she had been gaining considerable weight since the beginning of the pregnancy. She moaned loudly when he guided his penis against her already pulsating clit and further down towards her soft, very wet and ready confines. She held herself up to his shoulders tightly, closing her eyes, when she felt him penetrating her, breathing out all the air she had been holding in anticipation, immediately writhing at the touch of him. Alex slid in all the way before halting and kissing Jo's shoulder slowly, passionately. They looked at each other for a second before Jo pulled him into a kiss and Alex started moving slowly, deliberately. Jo could feel how the kiss turned to sloppy and she could make out Alex's hitched breathing within her mouth, hot air exchanging, their tongues fiddling with each other. Their movements were small and Jo felt how it satisfied her to feel Alex's girth stretch her immensely, her insides welcoming his pulsating length, vibrating at a small motion at the back of her vagina, them being so close, his sparse hair tickling her clit and giving her just the right amount of attention for her to know it wouldn't take long that time. _

_The water drops kept falling on them, steadily enveloping them in warmth, the steam rising from their bodies, clouding the whole bathroom. She could feel how slowly but surely her insides started convulsing, making her whimper quietly, and Alex's gradually quickening jerks inside her. When he came, she could feel how it was only seconds before she would completely lose her mind from a gut-wrenching orgasm, taking her to another universe as it always was with that heavenly man within her embrace. Alex rested his head on her shoulder, trying to not buckle underneath Jo's weight with his knees shivering from just having spilled himself within her, still moving rhythmically inside her. He knew she was so close to coming herself, he could make out how her body cramped slightly around him, her feet tightening around his waist, her nails digging into his back and finally her insides tightening dangerously around his penis, making him see black spots. Jo cried out loudly, endlessly it seemed before crumbling on top of him, Alex trying to keep steady for her. Jo's orgasm made her lose muscle control, as usual, and her legs slowly dropped to the floor, Alex sliding out of her and holding her tightly to him, searching her lips with his, eyes still closed tightly. When he finally found them, Jo welcomed him into the kiss, and he forgot everything around them for a bit. They succumbed to standing still within each other's embrace, feeling the water drops on their naked skin. When Alex could feel Jo starting to shiver since after their lovemaking she sometimes even lost temperature control on her body, he turned off the water and stepped outside the shower, holding out a towel for her. She accepted it immediately, standing in the warm embrace of him hugging her with that soft towel. After a minute, he let her go and dried himself off with a towel as well. He wrapped it around his waist before walking out to the bedroom, lying down on the bed, rubbing his face. He felt how Jo hit the mattress on the other side of the bed and inched closer only for him to wrap his arm around her again and enjoy the sensation of being with each other. _

_"__How are you feeling?" Alex murmured against her hair after a long stretch of silence. _

_"__Knocked out," Jo whispered. _

_"__For a moment I was thinking you were saying knocked up," Alex chuckled, Jo joining in softly._

_"__Well, that's self-explanatory, don't you think," Jo squeezed Alex's hand that was resting on her belly. Alex sighed. He hesitated, not knowing if or what to say to get her to talk. That thought resolved itself when Jo shifted her head to look up at his eyes. "How do you feel about me changing my name to Karev?" she beamed up at him with what Alex knew had to be insecurity about what he was going to say. He took a deep breath, biting his lips before deciding on a response that wouldn't offend her. _

_"__Remember what reasons you had not to change your name in the first place?" he glanced down at her face, making her nod slowly and look down at his chest, playing with his hair. "It wasn't because you had been anchored in your medical career already or because your name meant that much to you with not knowing where your name came from at all," he continued, trying to make his point. "It was because you realized that it didn't matter where your name came from, what people decided to call you Jo Wilson, who was being honored with giving you that name, but you realized that it was _your _name. _You _were being honored by that name. You had carried that name all your life. Jo Wilson is _you. _And you know how I think about that. I don't have any objections about you changing your name to mine. I really don't. I just don't want you to do it because of the wrong reasons," he said, grabbing her chin and turning her face to look at him. She nodded. _

_"__I know," Jo sighed. "It's just… I really haven't regretted keeping my name because I really believe what you just said. And I really wanna be that person I am. I wanna be Jo Wilson. It's just… I really don't wanna share _her _name, now that I know…," she tried to explain herself. _

_"__Hey," he pulled her closer. "Remember what she said today? There are so many Wilsons out there… and you don't know one of them. Well, you do now, one. But that doesn't mean you have to think of it like she gave you her name. It's still your name, and not hers. Sharing your name with her… it's like sharing your name with the next stranger. It's really just that. You shouldn't be intimidated by that," he finished his reasoning, holding her gaze before it dropped. _

_"__Yeah… I'm not sure about that anymore," she said. "I mean," she chimed up a little more excitedly. "It'd be so much more convenient, you know? Half the people I meet already call me Mrs. Karev! Remember that one time you got paged and they were like… but we paged Dr. Karev and you were like, but I am Dr. Karev and they were like, no, not you, the other Dr. Karev and you were like… there is no other Dr. Karev," she laughed. "And just because you introduced me to the new E.R. nurse as your wife and she didn't know my name," she said. "And then, you know, with the babies… It'd be so much easier if we all had the same name. You know with people always being weird about mothers who don't share their name with their kids," she trailed off. _

_"__We can name the kids Wilson. Or Wilson-Karev. Or whatever, I really don't care," he countered. _

_"__No, absolutely not. I don't want them to have that name. It may be my name but now that I know I really don't want them to carry her name forward. I really just want them to be all yours," Jo said, determination mirroring on her face. Alex smiled down at her. _

_"__You're an idiot," he told her, smirking, earning a slap. _

_"__I mean it," she pouted. _

_"__Alright, alright, they're going to be baby boy and baby it Karev, fine with me," he told her, pulling her towards his lips. Jo smiled against them. _

_"__Good," she decided. "Can I still think about it? Will you be mad at me for changing my name even though your reasoning is very well founded?" she glanced up at him in half insecurity, half teasing. _

_"__Of course not, Jo, please, it's your decision. I'd love for you to become Mrs. Karev. But it won't change my feelings about you. You're my wife. You're the love of my life. I don't need you to be an 'official Karev' to prove that. I told you before. I fell in love with Jo Wilson. And that's who you'll always be to me. And also, for what it's worth, to me you're already a Karev, so don't fuss, it's fine with me either way," he told her, making her smile and shake her head. _

_"__Ugh, I'm so in love with you it's annoying," Jo said, laughing. She pulled him down to kiss her again, a little more heatedly. She groaned when he pulled away. _

_"__Tell me how you feel," Alex ordered looking at her sternly. She rolled her eyes. _

_"__I feel fine. I swear. You were right, I don't need her to be my family. I have a family. And today, she gave me all I needed to hear. I'm one hundred percent sure now that whatever will complicate our parenthood, we'll pull through it. It'll be fine. It ripped my heart out what she said today. And not even because it was me she left. It ripped my heart out because when I tried to think about what she did to her baby and thinking about my own babies, I just… I just… I couldn't do it. They're _my babies_, for God's sake. I could never leave them. Never! So, I'm pretty hyped actually for having come here. Of course I was wondering before… I was wondering what it'd be like to meet her. What kind of person she is and how she'd look like. But I really don't care now because, okay, she conceived me and gave birth to me, which means, yeah, apparently I have inherited her looks, but it doesn't mean she's my mother. She has proven more than once today that she really isn't, my mother that is. And she's right – of course it doesn't right her wrongs – but I turned out just fine. And I choose to not let my past get in the way of my future anymore. My unbelievably awesome future," Jo chuckled, "Oh speaking of future and looks. At least we finally know now that there's a pretty good chance the kids will end up looking like me," she mused, looking at him joyfully. Alex couldn't help but frown. Seeing his face, she immediately cupped his cheeks. "Alex, I know you're hurting for me. And I love you for that. But I swear to you, I'm okay. I'm okay now. Of course it hurts. Of course I wish it wouldn't have turned out like it did. But I'm glad I met her and I'm glad I can have some kind of closure now. I'm okay, really, I am. My heart is bursting with love for my life, I can't even pretend I'm unhappy, because I really am not. Will I cry over it another time? Maybe… I don't know. But right now, all I know is how much I love this life," she urged him towards well-being. They stared at each other for a moment, before Alex sighed and nodded, Jo forming a smile. She leaned in to kiss him again before she could feel him whisper something against her lips and pulled back to make it out. _

_"__What was that?" she asked him, straining to hear what he was saying. _

_"__Why do we know now that the kids'll look like you?" Alex looked down at her, pondering._

_"__It appears, I have very dominant genes," she winked at him, Alex rolling his eyes. _

_"__You know that's not how it works," he pointed out for her, making her laugh. _

_"__So? Let me dream a little," she said, her arm snaking around his waist and pinching his ass lightly._

_"__Alright, but if it were so, just let me tell you, I look a lot like my dad did as well. And I share similarities with all my siblings," Alex pointed out, clapping Jo's hand away, making her smirk. _

_"__Yeah, yeah, let's just see whose genes will make a more pronounced entry," Jo lowered her voice before pulling him closer again, a little roughly this time and pressed her mouth to his. This time the kiss immediately took on its own life and Alex rolled over to lie on top of her, both of their towels shifting out of place. Alex groaned, rolling back over for her to lie on top. _

_"__Are you okay?" Jo frowned down at him with a half smile. _

_"__You're killing me," he admitted, making her laugh. _

_"__You always say that," she pointed out for him, pecking his lips. _

_"__Yeah, but I'm nearing the big 4-0 so fast now, you'll need to cut me some slack," Alex whined. Jo snorted. _

_"__You are nearing the big 4-0 just as much as I recently turned 30. Namely, not. You have one and a half years to go. It's not like I'm that much younger," she told him amusedly. _

_"__You are 31," Alex countered. _

_"__And a half," she said. "As I said, I've passed 30 just as long as you have until you're 40. And also, what are you saying? I mean, I'm not planning to let our sex life decrease until we're both old. No, not even then. We will have you prescribed to the magic pills and I'll need… well, probably a hip replacement with all the bending you keep doing with my legs," she joked exuberantly, wriggling her eyebrows at him. Now it was Alex's time to snort. _

_"__Ugh, I can't wait for Grandma Jo mounting me," he laughed out loudly, making her giggle. _

_"__Yeah, you know what the best thing about our age difference is?"_

_"__What's that?"_

_"__I'll always be the younger woman and you'll never have the urge to cheat on me with an even younger one because you'll always see the difference between us and it'll at least last until after your midlife crisis," Jo spluttered. _

_"__Well, good point. Now it's just me who's left with the doubts. It's not going to be long until you're going to want to have a younger…gigolo or something," he said, running his hands through her hair. Jo inched closer towards him, whispering into his ear. _

_"__Fortunately I seem to be really attracted by… more mature men," her voice radiated confidence and lust. Alex closed his eyes, chuckling. "Now, stop whining and present me with an orgasm," Jo ordered, not mincing the words. "Or two, if that's possible with you," she grinned at him cheekily. _

_"__As if that's something hard to achieve," Alex rolled her over again, ripping the towel off her body and immediately finding the right spots to pleasure, making her moan loudly. He smirked. _

_"__You are evil," she pressed out through gritted teeth, before they were defeated by their respective desire that took them into a land far beyond any reason or reality. _

[Back in 2019]

Alex was still lying on top of Jo, playing with the hem of her neckline, looking up at her when he had finished the never ending story of everything they had encountered in Boston a year ago. He knew he had gotten carried away a bit. But it was just… easier to recall it wholly than pick out a single thing and try to make her understand without context. He didn't know what to expect to see in her eyes, Jo having succumbed to listening silently throughout the story, only smiling now and again and rolling her eyes at unnecessary detail Alex gave her to prolong the time before actually having to tell her the outcomes of meeting her mother. Even at the mother part, Jo hadn't reacted weirdly or seemed upset. Maybe the amnesia did that to her. Maybe she really just couldn't relate with a lot he had been telling her, even though she tried, and concerning this particular subject, he was partly glad she couldn't. Thinking back about their activities back at that hotel room at Boston Park Plaza, Alex's insides churned, acid burning in his throat, pulse accelerating. What he saw in Jo's eyes, even though he had expected agitation or pain for having met her mother, Alex met the exact same emotions. Both of them were burning. Alex stopped fiddling with her neckline, lying completely still in her embrace, feeling how her hands rested comfortably on his back, how her pelvis bucked the tiniest bit, also trying to stay still for Alex knew after he had told her he needed more time, she'd never try to convince him or push him into something he didn't want. But right now, all he wanted was her.

Jo's lips that were slightly apart, her tongue that licked over them before she pulled in part of that lip while biting on it insecurely, tensely, her chest that was going up and down with the shallow breathing he could make out she was fighting with. He looked back up at her eyes, and in one split second he had thrown every reason he had for waiting to sleep with her overboard and decided he needed to have her – now. Jo's eyes didn't unlatch from his when he propped himself up on his elbows, pushing himself on top of her, her legs moving in sync with his body, letting themselves get dragged upwards as well, until their lips were only inches apart and he stared down at her eyes, slowly letting his gaze drop to her lips.

Within a second, Jo's burning insides had started screaming. Not because he had moved on top of her which did crazy things to her body as well, however, seeing the look Alex gave her at that moment, she felt like this was more that she could take. When he crashed down and kissed her, she knew, this was it. Jo grabbed the backside of his neck tightly, reciprocating the kiss immediately, passionately, bucking completely underneath him, pulling her shoulders up reflexively for her guts had wrenched terribly inside her and moaning loudly into his mouth, breathing completely gone overboard by the time their kiss had taken them to another planet. As pondered, Alex's kissing was different every time, but this time, it was clear. There was no exit. To her it felt like he was sucking all reason out of her, succumbing to a body full of heat and lust and driven only by the motions between hers and his. Even if she tried to she couldn't form a single thought in her mind, her brain having enough processing to do with all the sensations between them. Alex groaned wildly, running his fingers down her torso, wrestling with the hem of her shirt to get underneath it while he was biting and sucking at her neck, making her squeal in pleasure. Both their breathing came out loudly, rasping away between kisses and touches, Alex's face turning to her cleavage now while she reached down to pull his shirt up although even that seemed a workload too much for her right now, her head clouded with uncontrollable built-up desire for Alex. When he looked up at her before letting her pull his shirt over his head, their eyes matched and the emotions felt like a blow to both their stomachs. Alex instantly reached up to her face again, kissing her senseless. Jo's soft hands had found their way to his chest, roaming his muscled torso until reaching his belt, trying to unbuckle it before opening his button and fly. He groaned when she touched his penis gently, flicking the waistband of his boxers teasingly,

"Jo," he breathed out heavily. Hearing him say her name like that, she wanted to drown. He kissed a trail down her collarbone, shifting her hair out of his way when suddenly their actions were interrupted by Alex's vibrating phone inside his jeans pocket. Jo closed her eyes in irritation when Alex groaned and got it out swiftly to look at the display. He closed his eyes in indifference, silencing the phone and pushing it over on the coffee table before resuming what he had been doing.

"Alex, you're on call," Jo whispered towards him even though she really hated the thought of stopping what they were doing.

"I don't care," he rasped back and for a moment he really meant it, biting down on her lower lip before kissing her wildly. Jo held onto his head when he climbed her further, reaching up higher underneath her shirt before his pager started beeping.

"You gotta be kidding me," Jo whined in a low voice, immediately succumbing to fake moaning and sobbing when Alex pulled away and looked at his pager.

"Crap," he spat out, pushing himself off of her and sitting at the edge of the couch, only touching her thigh with his backside, trying to catch the still flashing incoming call that was Lucy.

"Talk to me, Lucy," he said, silencing his pager, and looking over at Jo who was biting her lip, watching him expectantly. He draped his arm over her propped up legs, stroking her stomach.

_"__It's Chiwa, Alex," _he heard her tell him frantically. "_She crashed when the plane was pulling into the airport," _she let him know. _"They immediately called the on call doctor on the premises and they have her on life support right now. Where are you? Are you at the hospital? They're driving her in right now, she'll be there in approximately 5 minutes, we need you at the hospital, Alex," _Lucy called into the phone, seemingly anxious.

"Prep her for surgery as soon as she's there," Alex instructed immediately, getting up and trying to close up his pants and belt, looking at Jo apologetically. "I need you to check her for rashes, swelling on her belly and temperature," he went on, looking around for his shirt and picking it up frantically, trying to get it over his head.

_"__Okay, what do you need me to do, then? Alex, I'm no pediatrician," _Lucy exclaimed in shock.

"Yeah, but you're a surgeon. Just…," Alex sighed, already gathering all his things to leave and putting on his coat, Jo watching his every move, "just keep her alive, alright?" He ended the call, jogging over towards Jo, bending down to peck her lips, her right hand cupping his cheek immediately, reciprocating the kiss.

"I'm sorry, Jo," he whispered, before she pushed him away and looked at him sternly.

"Go," she ushered him out with wide eyes and frantic hand movements. He smiled at her sheepishly, already taking fast strides towards the door.

"Alex," Jo called after him, sitting up on the couch. He turned around sharply in surprise. She shook her head at him and showed desperation written all over her features. "Just tell me we would have stopped anyways, right? You wouldn't have let it get that far, right? You're not ready, right?" she begged him with her eyes. Alex's eyes melted at her sight and he smiled at her apologetically again. "Noooo," she called out, clearly frustrated with his answer, flinging herself back into the cushions and making a sound between crying and laughing. "Have you heard of lying before?" she yelled at him in half amusement half genuine frustration. Alex gave her one more very guilty look before running out the door and slamming it behind him. Jo turned into the back of the couch, groaning out loudly, kicking against the couch. _You gotta be freaking kidding me. _


	39. Chapter 39

**xsweetgirlx91 - yes, you were the 400th review! :) speaking of which - _AND skip bold face part if you don't care_: **

**It's Thursday night. I'm sitting in front of my laptop. I'm supposed to review for tomorrow's exam. I'm exhausted for just coming home from work and it was awfully demanding today which is great, considering this is one of those weeks in which my mind is ruminating completely different subjects. Which is not good at my kind of job. It was hot today, even though it was really cold in the morning and I didn't dress accordingly. So, now I'm sitting here, tired, hot, sweaty (sorry, tmi!), hungry, unmotivated, ignorant of the workload I still have to do for tomorrow and Monday, my cell is contantly vibrating telling me my friends are so not pleased with me right now because they never get to see me, since it's been a crazy time. My precious other half is sitting on my couch, watching the world cup. Who cares if Germany wins or loses? I know a lot of you care. I usually do, too. Not right now, though. I just really wanna drown out the noise. So, basically, I've been having a very long day. But what do I do? I sit in front of my laptop and while I'm thinking 'go review for that freaking exam', I light up and think to myself... 'go look if you've got some new reviews'. And I do. And they've hit the big 4-0-0. And I think back to the first day I published my first three chapters. I remember as clear as day. Within minutes I think I had 4 reviews. Which took me aback completely. I was like... (and yes, I do realize this will sound lame)... I published 3 chapters and already have 4 reviews (which is already one more than I had chapters. which meant that there were at least two people reading my story). OH MY GOOOOD! People are actually reading my story. _Of course they are, idiot, you just published it, what do you think they're doing?_ So I completely freaked because I was so scared of what all of you were going to say and then the reviews climbed up to 10 and then 50. And I was like, _what the hell is happening? _And the more I published, the more reviews and follows and favorites came in and I was completely, utterly overwhelmed. I couldn't think anymore. I couldn't breathe anymore. I updated my laptop like ten times a minute to see if there were more reviews. Then I started to update the review page on my cell every time I had a minute, in the elevator, on the way to the bathroom, on coffee break, on the metro. Every freaking time. I was really close to developing OCD. Sorry, not meaning to offend. But seriously, it was freaking me out. And there weren't many times when there weren't any new reviews. And today, they hit 400 and now I'm sitting here, my mood as described above but all of a sudden my guts wrench and goosebumps creep up my neck and my eyes water - for God's sake! And he's sitting there and he's like... _what the hell's going on?_ And I just laugh and wave him away, tell him to fetch me a beer while he's standing because I really need a beer to digest all that. And it goes really well with the sounds of the soccer match on TV. **

**Point being, I cannot believe you guys. It's been 2 months and we've almost crossed the finish line and you still amaze me every freaking day and I do not know how to express my gratitude to you. This is so amazing, I'm actually speechless and what you can detract from my writing, that's not a feeling I know very well ;-) So, thanks, guys. It's been such a great journey and I hope you guys stick with me through to the end and I hope to God that I'll not disappoint you but I kind of started doing the math and since there wasn't one review yet that was in some way negative - which I can't even comprehend, I write very opinionated I'd say and I'm so surprised that until now you've taken everything as I had it served to you. Which I appreciate, obviously, I just can't believe it. So, I'm not encouraging you to give me bad reviews but please know, I can take it. But if you guys really, really, really, truly, genuinely believe what you constantly write in your reviews... then yes, I'm gonna cry. It's amazing. Oh, and don't make fun of me... or do... I don't care ;-) but the other day... I realized for the first time, that this awesome website has this tracker and it tracks how many people visit my story and the chapters and blah... and I really... I completely freaked out because I was always thinking... you know... there's like... about 10 reviews per chapter and there are like 20 follows or something... and I thought maybe there were 10 other readers that do not review or follow which makes like...40 people that read my freaking story but NO! I think I might have had an actual heart attack when I read the number tracking visitors to my story. I was like... no that can't be the truth... I mean that has to be a mistake. Do you actually know how many people are reading this freaking story? I was so out of my mind that day... I.. just... yeah, it was an awesome day. I'm still on a high. So, THANK YOU EVERYBODY, READERS, FOLLOWERS, FAVORITES, REVIEWERS, GUESTS, EVERY-FREAKING-ONE, you guys are so appreciated and I... I'm unbelievably touched by your support! Thanks!  
**

**P.S (Sorry, almost there): Of course, I _am _reading all your reviews and I _do _realize that some of you have a lot of questions. I don't actually reply to a lot of those because mostly I hope that they'll diffuse with the progress of the story. But I have been noting down all questions that needed to be answered that won't be answered in the story itself and I'm going to give you all these answers after I've published the finale. Just letting you know - I'm not ignoring you ;-) And if you have any more questions, hit me :) NOW, have fun!**

Jo woke up at the crack of dawn to the annoyingly loud beeping alarm clock. She rolled herself over across Alex's side of the bed and turned it off immediately. She groaned. _Yeah, getting up when other people were still out partying. Best thing about the job. _Jo thought to herself, yawning widely. She hadn't hit the snooze button due to the fact that even though she was super tired she felt wide awake. Which was weird but she couldn't describe it any better. It was her first day back to work. Jo inched over towards her own nightstand, retrieving her phone and looking down at the display. _One new message from Alex Karev_.

_A – She's still alive, thank God. I would have probably never forgiven myself if Chiwa died on that plane while I was getting you laid. Even though that was incredibly hot. Let's do that again sometime… Mon 2.49 am_

Jo smiled down at Alex's message. She could feel a blush creep up her cleavage way towards her cheeks thinking about the way Alex had looked at her the night before, touched her, kissed her. It sure had been incredibly hot. She got up, immediately feeling better about starting the day with having something in mind being that… entertaining. Jo got in the shower and tried to get all necessary day dreaming about Alex doing mind-blowing stuff to her out of her systems before she was headed to work where she needed to keep a sharp mind. When she dried herself off, she looked into the mirror and decided this was going to be a good day. Jo got herself ready and picked one of her simple black button up dresses to wear in front of the board that morning. When she had finally succeeded in pulling up tights without ripping them at her ankles already, she put on some make up and walked downstairs to ready the babies' breakfast. She would let them sleep until just before she had to leave, not wanting them to be all too grumpy for waking them. She had some coffee and a leftover bagel from the day before and then bridged the time before the babies' bottles were boiling with replying to Alex's text.

_J – Well, I for one can't wait… even though saving a little girl's life must be quite the rush as well… but surely not the same as having me on top of you, Mon 6.12 am. _

She smiled cheekily before hitting the send button and retrieving the bottles from the bottle warmer, walking upstairs and entering the nursery quietly. She put down the bottles on the changing table, opening up their blinds slightly only to realize it was still way too dark outside for it to make sense. The rustling of the blinds made Ethan stir, stretching out his chunky arms and legs and rubbing his eyes, showing her a little yawn. Jo smiled down at his sweet little face as he mirrored hers once he realized what was going on.

"Hey baby boy," Jo whispered in a low voice, bending down to pick him up and cradling him to her chest. "Good morning, sweetheart," she murmured into his hair, Ethan sucking on her neck quietly when she took his pacifier away. "Oh, really, are you giving me a hickey on my first day back to work?" While Jo purred soothing words towards her son, she walked over towards Madison's crib to see if she was awake, meanwhile pondering about her own words, trying to make out why she had gotten hooked on them. Her eyes widened when she realized what words she hadn't digested. _Crap. _She walked over towards the small mirror they had set up for the kids to learn to recognize their own appearances and stared at her neck frantically. _Really, Alex? A hickey on my first day back to work? Ugh. _Jo groaned, irritated with herself. _I will so get back at you for that. _She promised herself, already thinking about what kinds of stuff she was going to do to him once they finally had time for each other. _Alright, alright, stop thinking about it, you're only gonna get more excited. _She bent down to tickle Maddie's tummy, petting her head softly to wake her. It was always harder to wake the girl. When she rustled grumpily and made a sleep heavy face at her smiling mom, Jo straightened up and sat Ethan down at the changing table. When she was done with him, she handed him his bottle and put him back into the crib. Madison still looked mad when Jo picked her up and kissed her gently, trying to soothe her. Jo managed to change and dress her in record time before handing her the bottle also and putting her back into the crib, rushing over to the bedroom again, examining the traces Alex had left on her. She sighed. _Well, not bad. _She had to admit, considering how excruciatingly short their way to lovemaking had been the previous night. She put on some light powder matching her skin tone before deciding it wasn't even that bad and nobody was going to notice unless they were _examining _her themselves.

Jo got everything ready and carried the twins down, dressing them fully for outside and walking towards the car. When she stepped outside, she cursed, for her high heels were so not suitable for this winter wonderland that had spread out over the entire city of Seattle. It was still dark outside but the snowflakes came down breezily, immediately draping the kids gear with little crystals. When a snowflake came down on Ethan's nose, he stared at it in surprise, making Jo laugh and lose her balance for a tiny second for slipping at the pretty icy stairwell. "Oh, crap," she cursed under her breath, trying to not make herself fall. Maddie laughed, trying to reach for the snow, making Jo smile instantly. "Yes, baby, that's the snow," she told her in a chirpy voice. "It's falling from the sky because it's all cold and wintery," she explained even though she knew they were way too little to understand. "We can go out another day and try catching some snowflakes, huh? You've never seen the snow, right? No, you haven't," she blinked her eyes at them cheerfully, shortly trying to think back if there was still snow falling last February when she had the twins. _Oh, yeah, I can't remember that. _Jo chuckled about herself for forgetting about her amnesia. She put the twins into their car seats one by one, strapping them up tightly, carrying around a huge smile. _This was an extraordinarily good day. She had even forgotten about the amnesia altogether. _Jo got into the car herself and started the engine, looking down at her phone again which had flashed a minute ago.

_A – Save the dirty talk for later, I really won't be able to concentrate with you spoiling me like that, Mon 6.50am_

Jo chuckled at his reply, putting the phone down and backing the car out of the driveway, realizing how slippery the road had gotten. She felt how anxiety creeped over her. Jo knew she was a good driver and she knew how to manage a car in the snow. But the last time she had apparently thought she was a good driver, keeping her babies safe, another driver had ruined that plan. She wasn't sure how much she trusted all those other drivers on the road anymore, especially with weather like this. She slowly curved the car around the neighborhood, taking a right on Queen Anne Avenue, relaxing a bit. They had cleared the road there at least, this street being one of the bigger ones within their neighborhood. She let out a deep breath when she turned into the parking lot of the hospital approximately 10 minutes later. She quickly got the babies out who had both finished their bottles and walked them in. When she arrived at daycare, she handed Madison to their supervisor gratefully, before getting her own coat off for it being completely drenched with all the snow that had stuck to her from the two minutes she had spent outside and then taking off Ethan's winter gear. He looked at her happily, bouncing within her arms once he was all unwrapped. She chuckled at him.

"Yeah, you like that, huh? Winter clothes are a pain, I know," she agreed with the little boy whose face was flushed with cold. Ethan kept on bouncing wildly, Jo trying to calm him for knowing he had just ingested a whole bottle of formula and wouldn't have digested it yet. Jo's eyes grew wide when she watched Ethan look at her weirdly for one second and the next it was too late. He had spit his formula right back up while she was still thinking about it. _Way to go, baby, reading mommy's thoughts_. Jo sighed deeply. The caretaker looked at her sympathetically, handing Jo a burp cloth to clean up Ethan's face and her dress as much as possible. _Black dress with a baby. Nice choice. _Jo thought exasperatedly. She looked down at Ethan who was grinning up at her. She snorted. "Yeah, you little rascal, you thought that was such a good idea, huh?" She tickled his tummy before kissing his cheek and handing him over to the caretaker as well.

"I really need to get going," Jo explained to the woman, fidgeting with her purse and still trying to get rid of the spit stain on her shoulder. "There's formula in the diaper bag. Would it be too much to ask to prepare some for him? I'm sure he'll be hungry and fussy again after spitting up half his breakfast on me," she looked at the woman pleadingly.

"Of course, of course, Dr. Wilson, that's what we're here for. It's okay, you can go," she said, shooing her out. "Say bye bye, mommy, Maddie and Ethan," she turned around to them both sitting on the carpet, playing with some foam blocks lying around. Jo waved them good-bye, smiling about their cheerful faces and walked out towards the lobby to board an elevator that was just about to close.

"Jo," Stephanie tugged her from a little farther back. Jo turned around, surprised about the encounter.

"Hey," she said, a little exhausted already. When Stephanie had wriggled her way forward to stand with Jo, much to the dislike of all the other passengers, she scrunched up her nose.

"You smell like…," she spat out, disgust written all over her face.

"Baby spit? Yeah, I know, trust me," Jo said, rolling her eyes and laughing. Stephanie joined in.

"Welcome back, you look just like you always do," she said, cackling.

"Really?" Jo tried to get some strands of hair out of her face, looking for her phone in her purse, praying that she hadn't left it lying in the car. "Spat at and late?" she looked back at Stephanie part of her amused, part of her annoyed.

"Yeah, pretty much," Stephanie nodded heavily with a frown, trying not to laugh out loud again. Jo shook her head laughing about herself.

"Great," she said but immediately cheering up when she found her phone. "Alright, I gotta get out here, they'll probably all be waiting for me," she said, rushing out quickly, waving her friend good-bye.

"I actually don't think so," Stephanie managed to call out of the already closing elevator doors. Jo couldn't make out what else she was saying and rushed over towards the bathroom really quick to get the spit stain washed out and put on some perfume for the smell to diminish before moving over to the conference room, swinging into it, breathing heavily.

"I'm here," she exclaimed to an almost empty room. Hunt looked up at her in surprise. "Oh, am I late?"

"Wilson," he greeted her cheerfully. "It's so good to have you back," he looked at her questioningly, seeing how stressed she was. He came over to hug her before pulling back and trying to answer one question after the other. "You look… very much like you always used to," he chuckled lightly.

"Why does everyone tell me that? I have kids, alright, I can't help it if they spit up on me and make me late," she called out in frustration, however, simultaneously laughing about herself. Hunt joined in, grabbing her shoulder to give her some back up.

"I know the feeling, trust me," he said, winking at her.

"So, where is everybody?" Jo looked at him a little puzzled, motioning at the empty room behind him.

"Oh, yeah, right," he said, already busy again. "You heard about the Magnolia apartments?" he asked her, while retrieving stuff from his bag. Jo nodded anxiously. "Yeah, they brought in four more traumas overnight and two more ambulances are on their way in right now," he informed her, already directing her outside of the conference room towards the attendings' locker rooms. "We need all hands on deck. The board meeting has been postponed, well, cancelled to be frank, we don't have time for that right now. I'm sorry, Jo, we really wanted to give you a big welcome," he rambled on, walking steadily beside her.

"No, no, it's fine, I don't need a welcome committee, chief," Jo immediately replied, not even having realized that the board meeting she had been summoned to was nothing official at all but just a friendly get together. "Where do you need me?"

"I need you in the E.R. ASAP," he told her sharply, grateful of her productive demeanor. "Here's your ID and your pager," he shoved the mentioned things into her hands, arriving at the door of the changing rooms. "Find Kepner as soon as you're done, she needs all the help she can get," he instructed her, already walking away again. Jo turned around swiftly, opening up the door.

"Wilson," she heard Hunt call, leaning out the doorframe once more, seeing him walk backwards and smile at her widely. "It's good to have you back," he exclaimed before turning around and racing off towards wherever he needed to be. Jo's face was plastered with a big smile when she got out her scrubs and changed in a heartbeat before pulling up her hair in a quick bun and lacing up her running shoes. She locked her stuff away before running out the door towards the again already closing elevator barely making it into it. While going down, she put on her lab coat, clipping her ID to her chest pocket and pocketing her pager and phone. She glanced at it one more time before rushing out at ground level and grabbing a gown in passing, wriggling through a group of doctors standing awkwardly at the back entrance of the E.R.

"It's so good to have you back here, Dr. Wilson," an intern called after her and when she turned around she could make out the doctor who had wrongly diagnosed her as pregnant several weeks earlier. She smiled at him politely before rushing into the bustling emergency room.

"April," she called out from afar, seeing the heavily pregnant woman waddle in next to an incoming trauma, closing her eyes in relief when seeing Jo.

"Oh, thank you Lord," she exclaimed, pointing towards the trauma. "Jo, you're here," she said, hugging her quickly, Jo looking at her questioningly, impatiently. When she didn't say anything but just leaned against the nurses' counter breathing heavily, Jo looked around the E.R. and spotted an empty trauma room.

"Get him to Trauma 1," she directed the paramedics, startling herself for not knowing where that had come from. April opened her eyes and smiled at Jo brightly.

"Welcome back, Jo," she said, beaming.

"Talk to me," Jo walked next to the paramedic who enlightened her to the state of her patient.

"Larry Mannings, 67, buried under the debris of his own apartment. Breathing is shallow, blood pressure is down to 70 over 50, he has contusions all over. We couldn't find a pulse in his left leg. He was aware at the scene, coughing up about 2mg of blood but lost consciousness on our way over after an approximately two minute long seizure," the paramedic spit out, Jo nodding the information off, already rounding on the patient.

"Push 10 mg of epinephrine, stat," she ordered, looking out the door to see if April was coming, turning towards the nurse. "Page Neuro and Ortho for me, please," she asked while listening to the patient's very worrying breath sounds and measuring his blood pressure. "I need an intern in here, and also a _doctor,"_ Jo yelled out frantically, doing everything she could for the patient. She watched as the epinephrine set into the patient and slowly raised his pulse a bit. At the same time she could feel how her own adrenaline was rising within her and her pulse was racing. _Calm down, you've got everything under control. You're not alone. There's a bunch of doctors just outside of this room._ Suddenly, the patient choked on the intubation. "What the hell," Jo grumbled under her breath, "we need more morphine," Jo ordered towards an incoming intern, instructing her with what to do. She walked over towards the patient's head to flash light into his eyes. "He'll probably show a brain bleed, let's get him over to MRI. How's the pulse on his left leg?" she directed towards the intern.

"Um," the young woman stuttered. "I can't find one," she spat out frantically.

"Talk to me, Wilson," Callie rushed in and pushed the lost looking intern out of the way. Jo repeated everything for Callie watching her take a scalpel and make tiny incisions on the patient's left bottom of his foot.

"Compartment syndrome," Jo nodded at Callie's action. "That explains his vitals at least," she nodded heavily. Callie looked up at her, smiling. Jo felt for a pulse, ignoring what Callie was about to say for not being able to hear it anymore. "Yeah, it's low but it's there," she said, glancing at Callie appreciatively. "Where the hell is April?" she directed towards her colleague while prepping the patient to rush him to the MRI. Callie just shrugged.

"The CS seems sub acute, it can wait," Callie let her colleague know instead. "What else do you need to do with him?"

"I'm gonna check for a brain bleed and I need more scans to look out for possible bleedings in the gut area. The contusions look bad and he was apparently coughing up blood before his seizing. His shoulder is dislocated, but we can fix that during the surgery, right?"

"Um, yeah, let me look at it though, if it's not bad I can do it now," Callie ran around the table, immediately popping the shoulder back in. "That's done," she smiled back up at Jo. "Alright, let me know once you have his scans, it's probably safer to do everything at once, not open him up twice. His vitals don't look like he can take two surgeries right now," the orthopedic surgeon pondered before turning around swiftly towards Jo, clapping her shoulder and smiling. "It's good to have you back, Wilson," she grinned before leaving the room. Jo rolled her eyes and turned towards the intern, looking at her sternly.

"I know I'm in no position to give orders," Jo started her instructions.

"Actually you are," the intern hovered slightly. Jo rolled her eyes again.

"Yeah, whatever. You know how to do CPR, right?" Jo smirked at the frantic looking intern who nodded quickly. "So, will you manage to get him up to the MRI without him dying on the table?" she asked the young doctor suspiciously. Said one nodded frantically, again. "Alright, page me when there are results and page Dr. Shepherd again, he needs to look at his brain," Jo looked down at her pager going off again and rushing out while saying her last few words. _Yeah, yeah, I'm right here, you idiots don't need to page me. _The nurses started clearing the trauma room for the next patient, Jo looking around the E.R. for April frantically.

"Where the hell is she?" Jo questioned Hunt who was directing interns towards their respective attendings for the day. He shrugged, also glancing over the cubicles. "She was just behind me, I swear," she said. "She can't just leave me alone with a patient," Jo ranted. Hunt smiled at her.

"You did well in there, Wilson, you didn't need any help," he smirked.

"You weren't even in there," she accused him.

"Oh, trust me, the entire E.R. was tracking your every move and word," he wriggled his eyebrows at her, making her look back at him with wide eyes.

"Did you set me up?" she asked him in suspicion. He laughed at her accusation.

"No," he grunted. "That was purely coincidental. There's another trauma coming in, take Roberts with you, he seems lost somehow," the chief directed her, immediately nodding over at the blonde intern she never seemed to be able to recognize to clarify which one he meant after seeing her face.

"Come on," she told the intern quickly before jogging out to meet with the ambulance. "There you are," she called towards a sitting April. "You can't just leave me in there," Jo told April frantically.

"Oh, you did awesome," April smiled at her, obviously uncomfortable.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It just feels like… it feels like she is turning upside down," she said, trying to get up. "Which is weird he should have already turned like two months ago," she mused, her face scrunched up.

"Well, maybe he…or she," Jo looked at her colleague quizzically, "is turning again. You know, that happens," Jo pointed out, waiting impatiently for the incoming trauma. "Just, next time you leave me with a patient, would you warn me beforehand? I'll be getting another attending to watch over me," she looked at her with narrowed eyes, smiling. April chuckled.

"You're doing just fine," April soothed her.

"April, listen to me," Jo told her once superior sharply, taking both of her upper arms and looking her straight into her eyes. "I lost my memory. I am not the doctor I was before the accident. I know it's there somewhere and I know I can do all this, but you cannot leave me alone with a patient. Do you hear me? Especially if he's going to an OR," Jo tried to give the fellow doctor a wakeup call. April sighed and nodded.

"I know, Jo," she said. "I won't leave you alone anymore, I promise. But you need to learn to do stuff by yourself. You can do it, we all saw it a minute ago. I wouldn't have done anything differently," she shrugged. Jo snorted.

"I can't believe the chief of surgery has the same opinion on that," Jo rolled her eyes.

"I actually do," he said, rushing up behind her. "You're fine. You won't be left alone but you can do this by yourself," he said, nodding.

"There's a difference between leaving me to it and leaving me do it while you are watching," Jo pointed out to them, making them nod in agreement.

"Yeah, true. Sorry I left you alone," April admitted finally.

"Thank you," Jo said faking a cheerful voice, staring April down mockingly. The ambulance they had been waiting for turned into the drop-off area and the doors banged open presenting what sounded like a screaming kindergarten. April and the intern immediately shielded their ears while Jo looked up at the paramedic with a painful frown on her face, trying to make out what she was saying.

"Danielle Copeland, 32, buried alive under the debris of wood, bricks and sand. She's not breathing on her own, we intubated her at the scene. She has burn marks all over from the sand, infection prone. She's allergic to penicillin," the paramedic talked to Jo frantically.

"Trauma 1," Jo told her, Hunt nodding it off and following the patient.

"Mindy Copeland, 7, found next to the mother's buried body. She collapsed after we found her and took her in, breathing is shallow, pulse steady," the paramedic pointed at the older looking girl.

"Get her to Trauma 3 and page Peds," Jo directed her intern, sending April with him. "April," she called her back for a moment. "She'll be fine, Alex or Arizona are gonna come look at her in a minute, you won't be needed much," she tried to console her when seeing April's face. Said one smiled at her gratefully.

"I really thought I'd be the one comforting you through today," April managed to say through nerves.

"It's okay, you're hormonal. Cut yourself some slack. But don't let the patient _die,_" Jo descended to only mouth the last word.

"I know, I know, it's just… she's just a kid," she almost sobbed.

"I know, April, try to keep it together," Jo soothed her before turning back to the paramedic. "And who's this?"

"Levi Copeland, 5, he was holding his mother's hand, having digged it out," the paramedic gave Jo a burning gaze. Jo's hand flew to her mouth, hurting for the boy._ Oh God, that sounded like he had seen how everything had happened. Poor baby._ "His vitals are stable, he has a bad gash on his forehead and his left eye looks affected by it. He's been screaming ever since we took the mom out," she added. Jo nodded, already helping to push him into the remaining Trauma room. "Hey Jo," the paramedic called after her. Jo turned around, raising her eyebrows in surprise. "It's really good to have you back," the paramedic said smiling, before turning around and rushing out. Jo smiled a small smile for everyone seemed to be so happy about her return and rushed in with Levi.

"Hi Levi," Jo ran over to stand with the kid, trying to make him lie still, his head being fixated on a tray. "I'm Jo, can you lie still for me for a moment? I'm going to try to make you feel better, alright?" she talked to him in a soothing manner. She sighed, wrestling with him to not move too much before adding some more information. "You know what, your mommy and your sister are in the adjoining rooms and have a lot of doctors with them as well," Jo tried to small talk a little, before cleaning up his back of the hand and setting up a morphine supply for the kid. "So, they're being taken care of just as you are, alright?" The boy looked up at Jo with huge shimmering eyes but nodded and stopped screaming. "Try to not move your head too much, alright? We'll have to take a look at all your injuries," she told him, moving up to his head, shining the flashlight into his eyes.

"Does your head hurt a lot?"

"A little bit," he answered quietly.

"Alright, we already worked on that, you'll feel better in a minute, okay?" she calmed him, giving him a smile. "Can you show me all the spots that hurt?" Jo tried to push him for information before the morphine set in. The little boy pointed at his head again and at his ears, and then he pointed at his tummy. "Alright, good job," she praised him. She looked over the head wound and adjudged it superficial before moving over to his stomach, discovering a gaping flesh wound, completely dirty from the scene and bleeding slowly but surely. "Alright, I need some help in here," Jo cried out immediately. "And get me Dr. Avery," she added, trying to start cleaning the wound, stopping the bleeding while at it. "Levi, does it burn a lot? Your stomach?" The little boy just shook his head and she concluded that the morphine must have set in already.

"You paged me," Jackson rushed in, immediately taking a closer look at the wound.

"Uh, ouchie, huh?" Jackson turned around towards the boy who chuckled quietly. "It's okay, buddy, we're gonna fix this right up again, alright?" He nodded. Jackson turned around towards Jo. "What do you know?"

"He didn't seem to be buried at the scene from what the paramedics said but he has these wounds, also, look up here," she illuminated the head wound for him. "There's tenderness around the flesh wound on his stomach, he probably has swelling and/or fluid buildup in there. I ordered a CT for his head, since his sclera of his left eye is covered with blood. His vitals are stable but I wouldn't wait too long to clean this, he's prone to infection. I gave him morphine but you should probably push for antibiotics," Jo said, already rushing out. "Do you need me in here?"

Jackson shook his head. "No, you're fine. Send me an intern," he called after her. "Hey, Jo," he called again, making her turn around. "Have you seen Alex?" Jo shook her head. "Ugh, okay, send Peds over here as soon as you spot any of them, alright?" She nodded and walked over towards the Trauma room April and the Roberts kid had been working in.

"Update?" she entered the room, looking over the patients updated chart on the tablet.

"She definitely has several broken bones and her vitals haven't gone up," April said, her face distorting.

"Alright, April, sit," Jo looked over to her colleague and rushed towards the patient.

"No, I'm fine, I gotta get her stable first," she replied stubbornly.

"Sit. Down. Now," Jo ordered, pointing at the chair that was leaning against the wall. April gave her big eyes before sighing and sitting down. Simultaneously, the monitors started beeping loudly.

"What's happening?" April yelled hastily.

"Crap, her lung is collapsing," Jo shouted, her mind racing, thoughts suffocating her, and she felt like she had frozen. _Crap, crap, crap, crap. What am I gonna do?_ Jo stood there, nurses bustling around her, Roberts staring at her from opposite the table and April yelling stuff at her she couldn't make out. _Don't freeze now; don't let this little girl die on the table. She'll be fine, this is nothing to worry about, you know exactly what to do. _She grabbed for the needle a nurse was holding out for her and pushed it down into the little girl's chest cautiously but with pressure, knowing about the girl's age and size. When she was through, she ripped the tiny tube from Roberts' hands and tried to steer it in successfully without loosening a bleeder. When she heard a slight puff from the catheter, Jo closed her eyes and slowly exhaled the breath she was holding herself. She watched how Mindy's lungs filled with air again with the help of the breathing machine and her vitals stabilized. She glanced over at April, whose face was in her hands, rubbing her belly slightly.

"You guys need to give me a moment to think, alright?" she barked towards both April and Roberts, concerning their panicking the previous minute. She looked up when Arizona came barging in.

"What happened?"

"Tension pneumothorax," Jo reported immediately, "Page Cardio for me, please," she directed towards the nurse who complied instantly. Arizona walked closer, observing the girl's vitals and the catheter. "She hasn't been to CT yet but I guess her lung is torn, she's had problems breathing since she was first aided to at the scene. No other internal injuries as of right now, just these fractures, here, here and here," Jo pointed at the x-rays on the wall. Arizona nodded.

"Roberts, order a CT and don't come back until you have the go for taking her up," Arizona ordered sternly, making him run out instantly and turning back to Jo. "Running your own trauma room on your first day back?" she smiled at her good-naturedly. Jo raised her eyebrows, sighing and nodding.

"Several actually," she pressed out. "And, yeah I can't believe it either. But this one," she pointed over towards April who was bending and obviously in pain.

"Is going into labor," April chucked out. Arizona and Jo both approached her instantly, trying to comfort her.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, take care of Mindy, alright? And get me my husband," she ordered. "And a wheelchair," she said.

"Alright," Jo immediately went back to not let her sharp mind cloud with unnecessary things just as she had decided for herself in the morning. She looked up at the nurse. "Call GYN and tell them Dr. Kepner will be up shortly and please, get her a wheelchair," she instructed before turning towards Arizona. "You have this handled here, right? I paged Cardio, they'll be down in a minute. I'm gonna go over and relieve Jackson from Mindy's brother Levi," she informed the board member who nodded everything off appreciatively. Jo rushed out of the trauma room, spotting more paramedics coming in with what looked like injured firefighters. "What happened?" she called over to the one who had welcomed her back an hour ago.

"The rest of the front wall of the apartment building collapsed on top of the rescue team," she exclaimed, looking over at Jo frantically. "We've been trying to divide them all between Northwest, Central and here but it's a madhouse," she explained, already running out again. Jo took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, feeling like her mind was already exploding on information overload. She rushed over towards the next Trauma room.

"Jackson, April's in labor, go," she informed him curtly. He looked up at her in shock.

"What, now? It's too early!" he exclaimed, spluttering. Jo rolled her eyes at him.

"Yes, now, go," she ushered him out exasperatedly. "How's he doing?"

"He's okay, I tended to the superficial wounds and pushed Amoxicillin, it should be fine. Keep an eye on the bacteria growth, though," he recited.

"Peds?"

"No sign," Jackson said, shaking his head, finishing up the wound and getting up.

"She's in Trauma 2 with Arizona. Tell Arizona to come over here as soon as Cardio and/or Ortho are tending to Mindy," Jo called after him quickly before the door banged close again and she ran over to look at her patient's vitals.

"Dr. Wilson, the CT is ready for him anytime now," the nurse informed her when she got off the phone.

"Alright, thanks," she said. "Arizona," she chimed up when she got in, "How's Mindy?"

"She's doing good. Dr. Pierce and Edwards are looking at her right now," Arizona spat out before looking over Levi.

"You gotta get him up to CT," Jo told her quickly, "I need to run over to Hunt and see where I'm supposed to be right now," she explained. Arizona nodded at Jo but stopped her by grasping the wrist of her arm before the slightly stressed looking doctor could run out.

"Jo," she said in a calm voice.

"What?"

"You're doing just fine. Breathe. You've already saved a couple of people's lives today, alright? You are doing an excellent job. Don't panic now," the blonde doctor told her in a soothing voice, staring at her with her deep blue eyes Jo thought might hypnotize her. Jo nodded quickly before taking a few deep breaths.

"I know, I know," she said, shaking her head. "It's just… this all was a lot to take for my first couple of hours here," she said. "You should have really held that board meeting, I'm not even sure if I'm allowed or supposed to run my own traumas and give instructions. I'm only an intern," she coughed up.

"Except you're not, Jo. Don't think that much about having forgotten everything, you haven't. You knew what to do the last couple of hours. And there's always someone with you, alright? Heck, even the nurses would stop you if you did something wrong, alright? Don't fret, everything's fine. You learned to triage back in med school. And you're not going to be leading an OR all by yourself. Alright? Not if we can prevent it," Arizona winked at her. Jo nodded, trying to calm down.

"Okay, yeah, it just… it's a lot," Jo repeated.

"I know. But you're doing more than okay," Arizona repeated as well. When Jo turned around to walk out swiftly, Arizona called after her one more time.

"Alex had to go back in with Chiwa," she informed her, knowing exactly what Jo was thinking. "That's why he hasn't been down to consult," she said smiling. "He hasn't vanished," Arizona replicated. Jo sighed, smiling.

"I know," she said. "I also know that I don't need him here, I just… ugh," she groaned. "It's just…," she looked for the right words.

"A lot," Arizona nodded, "I know. Go, now, we don't want the day go to waste with being slow," she winked at her again and releasing the younger doctor who immediately ran over towards Trauma 1.

"Chief," she stormed in, "how is she?"

"She's stable for now. I'll need to go in ASAP, though, as long as she's _still _stable. I already booked an OR and told them we're coming. How are her kids?"

"Mindy had a tension pneumothorax but is fine now, other than her fractures and her lung, she'll probably be okay. Pierce and Edwards are with her," Jo recited again. "Levi has bad flesh wounds. We pushed antibiotics, Avery cleaned the wounds, Robbins is with him in CT right now. We gotta go in, though, as soon as there's an OR. He probably has bad bleedings and/or fluid build-up," she finished.

"Any news on your CS guy?" Hunt looked up from tending to his patient. Jo shook her head.

"Haven't heard back from the intern who took him up to MRI. Crap, I forgot what her name was. Ummm," she pondered impatiently. "What's that redhead's name?"

"Are you talking about Kerry?" Hunt frowned.

"Yeah, that's it. Kerry, I knew it was some kind of politician's name," she said, Hunt chuckling. "Speaking about redheads, Kepner has gone into labor," she informed the chief helping him wrap the patient's burn injuries who sighed dramatically.

"_Now?_" he spat out unbelievingly. Jo laughed.

"Well, nature doesn't wait," she pointed out for him. "Where do you need me?" Hunt put his face into his hands for a second while the mother was wheeled out of the room towards the elevators to get prepped for the OR. He sighed.

"Alright," he went back to business. "Go find out what's new with Larry Mannings before you do anything else. If he's stable, push him back on the OR board and scrub in with one of the kids, they need a trauma surgeon and we don't have enough at the moment," he instructed. "I'm going to try to fix up Danielle as quick as possible to free an OR," he rambled. Jo nodded, already making her way through the E.R. to get to the elevator. She hopped in before the doors closed in front of her and she tried to calm. _Everything was going just fine, she thought to herself. _She looked down at her phone. _Alex still wasn't out of surgery. What had happened with Chiwa? _She shook her clouding thoughts away when stepping out of the elevator and rushing towards MRI where Derek was sitting in front of the monitor, Kerry looking over his shoulder.

"What's new?" Jo surprised them, looking at the monitor herself, wincing.

"He has a massive brain bleed. I can't go in there, though, before his blood pressure has lowered again," Shepherd looked up at Jo's knowing face.

"What do you mean by that? You want his vitals to drop again?" the intern spoke up lamely. Derek turned around to the young doctor and sighed.

"The compartment syndrome keeps his blood pressure down. When they fix his leg, the blood pressure will go up rapidly within seconds and the already consisting brain bleed will worsen. Also there's increased risk for him to stroke out on the table. The procedures need to be planned carefully. Since Dr. Torres already relieved a little bit of pressure on the patient's leg, his vitals are up, but they'll come down once the initial surge of relief has passed. I need all surgeons to be ready precisely when that drop is going to happen. We'll need to have all of them present. As soon as the blood pressure drops, I will go into his brain and will try to fix the bleeder. After that, Torres or Edwards will have to work on his leg immediately in order for it to not be at risk for amputation or for him to walk out of the surgery paralyzed, and of course for his heart to pump sufficient amount of blood and oxygen and nutrients through the patient's body that he's lacking a bit of now . After that, everything else can be repaired. You got it?" Derek directed towards Kerry. She nodded with an impressed look on her face.

"Alright, give me a time frame here," Jo asked Derek. "I need to go scrub in with another patient," she explained.

"It could take an hour or two, I guess," Derek said. "I'll have you paged," he said, "you can rush from one OR to the next," he winked at her. Jo sighed, rolling her eyes again.

"Yeah, alright," she said. "Keep an eye on his vitals, Kerry, and let Ortho know what the plan is," Jo instructed, rushing out again with Derek having smile after her. Jo ran down to the OR floor, where Arizona was already scrubbing in.

"Wilson, I need you with me in there," she said.

"Which one?"

"Levi, he's not good," she reported, Jo nodding and immediately moving to scrub.

"Is there any more bacteria growth?" Jo frowned at her colleague.

"No, it's his organs, his vitals are pretty much done for," Arizona came back before rushing into the OR and Roberts came to scrub next to Jo.

"Dr. Wilson, how does it feel being back?" he exclaimed half excitedly half tensely. Jo looked over at him, frowning.

"I think I'll pass on the small talk right now," she came back, sighing. "And so should you, you should focus on what's going to happen in there," she advised him. She glanced at the intern from the side, trying to decide if what everyone had told her today was actually true. They had all insisted that she didn't need to remember because she was doing just fine. _But why? She knew that when she was thinking about it actively, nothing came back to her. But as soon as she was looking down at a patient, she knew what to do. Was it the adrenaline? Or the pressure? Or was she remembering without realizing? _Jo shook her head. _But one thing just got cleared up for her. She really didn't feel like an intern any more. _

Jo pressed the button to open the door with her elbow and accepted the sanitized towel the scrub nurse held out for her before slipping into the gown and gloves, walking over towards where Arizona was already looking down at the small body.

"Hey Levi," Jo called over to him with a smile on her face. "We're gonna let you take a little nap now, alright? When you wake up we can go see how your mom and your sister are, okay?" she winked at his lopsided smile and nodded towards the anesthesiologist.

"How are we gonna go about this?"

"We'll need to open him up before we can decide on that," Arizona said, picking up a scalpel. She did the first cut and directed Roberts to hold the retractor for them to see.

"There's some inflamed tissue," Arizona detected, "probably from the infection," she mused. "When did you guys push antibiotics again?" The nurse went over towards the tablet and answered her with the exact time and dose. "Oh okay, alright, then it was maybe already a little late, he must have been on the scene forever," she thought about it before rolling her eyes at herself. Jo chuckled.

"Yeah, with the building collapsing early Sunday morning, that might have been the case," Jo replied. Arizona laughed.

"Yeah, sorry, didn't think properly it seems," she waved the comment away. "Alright, let's get started on this," she said. They worked on the inflamed tissue for a while, everything going very smoothly, chatting casually, before Arizona's pager went off.

"Dr. Robbins, you are needed in OR 2. Mindy Copeland is crashing," she informed her. Both their eyes went wide with the information. Arizona hesitated, not knowing what to do.

"Alright, Jo, I know I told you differently earlier in the E.R. but I need you to finish this by yourself. You have Roberts and I'm going to send you another intern, alright? We're almost done here anyways," she said, looking at Jo's panicking eyes. "You'll do fine," she said again, already backing up. "Remove the tissue, check for contamination, and close him up. You know the steps," Arizona insisted. Jo's eyes were wide with fear. _Why do people keep dropping on me today? Is this some kind of stupid ass welcome back stunt they were trying to pull?_ She took a deep breath. _Calm down, get your mind cleared, just as you decided this morning. _When she looked back up, Arizona had already left. Jo collected herself and carried on. She continued to work on the inflamed tissue of the little boy's torso.

"Give me a little more suction here," she instructed Roberts before all of a sudden, her hands were covered with blood. "What the hell did you do?" she yelled at Roberts, trying to see what the hell happened. Roberts looked struck. "Roberts, unfreeze, what did you do?"

"Um, um," he stuttered, panic mirroring in his eyes. "I don't know," he stammered out. Jo sighed in frustration. The machines were beeping wildly while Jo tried to find the source of the bleed.

"More suction," she demanded in a sharp voice, Roberts complying.

"Page Peds for me again, please. No scratch that, page _anyone_," she yelled back at the nurse who immediately ran over to the phone. "Uuugh, come on," she looked down at the open patient and searched frantically. The beeping of the machine drove her crazy. She glanced up towards the gallery for a second only to see that it was empty which wasn't surprising with all the incoming traumas going on.

"Dr. Wilson, his vitals are dropping rapidly," the nurse warned her.

"Give me a minute," she yelled out.

"Dr. Wilson, Dr. Robbins cannot leave her patient, she's…," she looked over at them and gave them meaningful eyes not wanting to say it due to the relationship of this patient to the one that was crashing underneath Arizona's hands. Jo sighed, biting her lips.

"What about Dr. Karev," she yelled back, still frantically looking for the bleeder. "Oh, fuck that," she decided suddenly and threw the instruments she was holding back on the tray. She took her whole hand and plunked it into the open patient, feeling around for the bleeder. "He's losing too much blood," Jo shouted out. "I need someone to get me transfusions," she called, another nurse leaving the OR and running towards the blood bank. "More suction, Roberts," she barked at the intern again.

"I'm doing all I can," he replied desperately.

"No, you're not doing enough! You haven't told me what the hell you injured when you suctioned the last time," she shot back madly. She closed her eyes. _Just calm down and try to feel where the blood stream is coming from. _Jo told herself while taking a few deep breaths, trying not to panic for this boy's life was literally in _her_ hands now.


	40. Chapter 40

Alex had gotten out of the OR with Chiwa for the second time already that day and it was only a little after 10 in the morning. When they had called him in the night before, she had crashed on the plane from Malawi which was one of the reasons they had set up three clinics over _in _Malawi to lower the risks of the stress of going to another country to get your diseases fixed initially. Chiwa was one of the rare exceptions by now. The birth defect Chiwa had and they were trying to treat was a malformation of the cervical spine, which was growing into her brain steadily, pressing up against important brain areas. Derek, Callie and him had been researching and practicing at the skills lab for months now and had tried to prepare for the numerous surgeries they knew it would take. Even though the clinics in Malawi were very well stocked and staffed, this was one of the procedures that none of the surgeons at site were able or willing to do. With everything that was going on with Alex privately, they had decided a while ago that flying out was not an option they could follow through.

Chiwa crashing in the plane had taken Alex aback, though. The girl wasn't in a life-endangering situation per se; she had been carrying around her malformation from day 1. Of course they knew they had to act rather sooner than later since the growth of the spine wouldn't stop and just press into the brain higher and higher until at some point there was no going back and she would die because of it, however, there was no reason for her to crash on the plane. Also, from what he had known and arranged himself, they had hospitalized her before her flight to the States to make sure she was healthy and ready for the surgery. Nothing had come up when he had checked with Nkumbwa the day before. So, he had insisted for Derek to do a spinal tap on the young girl to test for serious disease. They had closed her up around two in the morning, him falling into a bed in one of the on-call rooms exhaustedly.

When the results had come back in the morning, Alex had to gulp at the confirmation of Chiwa's tubercular meningitis. They had immediately retested her for the HI virus and Malaria since those further syndromes would have complicated the regeneration of Chiwa's health dramatically. Fortunately, they had been able to rule them out by 7 o'clock. They had gone in again, knowing they had limited time with the infection of the meninges to close up the spinal work they had done so far and prevent the infection damaging further brain regions. They had known all along that Chiwa's arrival would take a lot of efforts on both the medical and the social worker's side of the equation since even without the meningitis she would have had to stay for at least 8 months to repeatedly go into surgery to repair her defect. However, in light of finding out about her disease, they were looking at years of treatment. The TB meningitis alone would take up to 10 months to cure and there was no way he was going to operate before that had happened. Alex sighed, hurting for his kid patient. The girl wasn't that much older than his own kids. She didn't have a family at home; she had come over here with one of the foster mothers that were employed with their projects. Having informed the woman about the circumstances, he had seen in her eyes that she wasn't up to the challenge of what was the future of the little girl. Alex rubbed his face, stepping out of the scrub room after the second surgery. Derek walked out behind him.

"Good work, Karev," he clapped him on the shoulder while looking down at his beeping pager. "Hey, it's your wife who's demanding a consult," Derek grinned widely before walking past him and boarding an elevator. Alex walked towards the nurses' station to update Chiwa's chart before calling Lucy.

_"__How's she doing?"_

"She's fine. She's being wheeled into the ICU right now," he let her know.

_"__Did you manage closing her up?"_

"Yeah, we finished. I'm gonna go up and talk to Daneela, the foster mom," Alex sighed, grabbing his lab coat on his way to the staircase. He yawned. He was exhausted. "She's probably taking the next flight home. We should start recruiting one of the Seattle based foster families. Chiwa is going to need long-term care," he pointed out.

_"__I'm on it," _Lucy told him, hanging up the phone. He was grateful that Lucy wasn't here to see any patients but to handle logistic stuff with the project and taking a lot from his own hands at it. When Alex had informed Daneela of the on goings, he decided to take another leap and board the elevator up to the fifth floor to stalk Mina some more. He had already been up there once early that day, not quite sure if and what to talk to her but he sure needed a vent and he didn't know who else to confide in. Before he could talk to her about something serious a couple of hours ago, though, Alex had chickened out and told her some nonsense about the coffee running out on the surgical wing and getting some from them. He knew Mina had given him a patronizing look, however, not wanting to push him but he didn't care. She was their therapist. She could think whatever the hell she wanted about them; she wasn't going to do anything with that information except maybe try to help them. When the elevator dinged, he stepped out and looked around if he could spot the psychiatrist. He leaned against the counter at the nurses' station waiting, pondering about what to say to her. He had just decided about the silliness of him and had wanted to turn around to leave when he heard a by now familiar voice greet him.

"Dr. Karev," Mina smiled at him. He turned back and looked at her sheepishly. "I can't believe you're still on the coffee run," she said, winking at him. He grinned like a little boy caught in a white lie. "You know, I have 20 minutes before my next patient, we could… maybe get some coffee _together_ and… talk about why you are stalking me," she suggested slowly, trying to watch for a reaction on his face. Alex opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. When he had decided what he wanted to reply a second later, he was interrupted by _OR 3 _calling him.

"Excuse me for a second?" he looked at her apologetically. She nodded smilingly, typing something into the tablet she was holding.

"Karev," he answered.

_"__Dr. Karev, this is nurse Lavinia calling from OR 3. _Please_, we need your assistance," _she rambled into the phone frantically.

_"_What is it? What's going on?"

_"__Patient is 5 years old, he was found at the Magnolia crash building site with severe…," _the nurse went on and on, seemingly panicking but he startled when he heard a very familiar voice shouting about in the background of the call. _He's losing too much blood for God's sake. I'm going to ask you one more time, Roberts: where did you hold the freaking instrument when you ripped open a bleed? _

"I'm on my way," Alex sprang back to life, his heart racing, already running towards the staircase, leaving a completely stricken Mina behind, having completely forgotten about her. "Talk to me, Lavinia, what's going on?"

_"__We don't know, the boy was fine. Dr. Wilson was removing the inflamed tissue within his torso and Dr. Roberts was suctioning and he ruptured something, they just don't know what," _Lavinia told him. _I've got blood. _He could hear someone else bang the door open near the phone and the OR erupting in more noise.

"Who else is there? Besides Wilson and Roberts?"

_"__It's just them, doctor," _she answered. Alex gulped. _What the hell?_

"Put me on speakerphone," Alex breathed heavily, rushing down the stairs frantically.

Jo had succumbed to silence, Roberts watching her in fear. She was having her eyes closed and felt around for the bleeder. _Oh, come on, you gotta be somewhere, this is ridiculous. _She had drowned out all noise from outside, not even realizing they had Alex on the phone and him coming for assistance. She was doing visualizing without her eyes. _That worked even better. _She could hear the faint beeping of the machines, telling her the boy was bleeding out on the table underneath her slowly but something had settled in her guts. _Determination. _Nothing was going to happen on her watch. When the door banged open and somebody shouted about the blood, she just nodded, whispering for them to attach the boy to the supply. She opened up her eyes wide when a frantic Dr. Roberts yelled her name, looking up at him in confusion first, and then smiling brightly.

"I got it," she let him know, feeling the pretty nasty bleed on the boy's spleen, immediately taking action and putting pressure on the tear.

_"__Jo, what's going on?"_ she startled when she could make out Alex's voice through the receiver Lavinia was holding out for her.

"Everything's fine, the boy has a ruptured spleen, I found the tear, it's small but tricky. I'm gonna try to repair it. Blood's clotting already, nothing to worry about," Jo told him dismissively. That moment Alex was already banging the door of the operating room open fiercely, holding a mask to his mouth and nose and almost buckling from a shortage of oxygen due to him sprinting maniacally.

"Jesus Christ," Jo spat out, startling even more with Alex's entrance. She couldn't help but chuckle. "You know, first they all leave me alone in here, making me think I will be the reason for this cute little boy to not survive a minor procedure, and then _you_ come barging in here like you've just crossed the finish line of a marathon! Too late one might add," she pointed out for him. "Victory is mine, my love," she winked and gave him a gleeful face, making him shake his head and bend down to support his arms on his knees, breathing it out.

"Is he okay?" he coughed out a few moments later.

"He's fine," she replied, already back to removing the tissue. "I need more suction, Roberts," she told her colleague sternly.

"I didn't even go near the spleen, I swear," the intern chimed up all of a sudden. Jo looked up at him in surprise and kept quiet for a moment before glancing back down.

"I know," she said, looking up when she was sure the body was stable enough for her to focus on the intern for a second and seeing an offended face.

"Why did you make me think I was the reason his spleen ruptured on purpose?"

"I didn't," she said, rolling her eyes. "I actually _thought_ you had done something but you could have told me that you didn't feel anything sucking into your instrument. I didn't know that. If you had told me, not just stood there and looked at me like _I _was going crazy, I could have ruled that out and looked for another source of the blood gushing out sooner," she stressed every single word for him and stared him down with big eyes. Alex chuckled on the other side of the OR about her ferocity.

"Do you need me to scrub in?" he questioned her after a second, smiling.

"No, I'm good here," Jo looked up quickly, matching their eyes and feeling the effects of his look on her. She smiled underneath her mask. "I got it, trust me," she said, focusing on her patient once more. When Alex turned around to walk out, she called after him having had a quick thought. "Alex, go check on Arizona in OR 2. They had a crash a while ago, they might need your help," she told him, making him nod and moving over instantly.

"Sorry, everyone, that was quite the rush," Jo looked around the room, only meeting smiling faces. Roberts had grown very quiet. She looked at him while feeling for any more bleeders in the body cavity of the small boy. "It's not your fault, Roberts," she told him again. "But you need to learn to speak up in the OR. I can't follow every move you make in there, I have my own hands full with important stuff and my eyes usually focused on what_ I_ do," she explained to him. "Or is there something else bothering you?" He immediately tried to put his mask back on after the senior doctor had put him on the spot but he didn't succeed. He sighed.

"Well," he said. "I was scared for a moment that you weren't ready to do this by yourself when you didn't respond to us anymore," he admitted slowly. Jo chuckled.

"Yeah, sorry about that, I needed to shut everything and everyone out to find that stupid bleeder," Jo apologized. "I guess we both need to learn to communicate better," she winked at him good-naturedly. He nodded, delighted about her honesty.

"Well, I for one knew you were going to find it, doctor," nurse Sylvia told her knowingly. Jo laughed and looked over at her.

"How so?"

"Well, you always used to have that look on your face. That look of complete peace. And focus at the same time. And when you did, you succeeded 99% of the time," the nurse told her with a grin. Jo smiled back.

"That must mean we work together a lot," Jo questioned her further.

"Yeah, we do," she said. "And on behalf of all of us scrub nurses, welcome back, Dr. Wilson! We genuinely missed you around here," she added. Jo looked around the OR, trying not to tear up seeing all the joyful faces. _What the hell did I do to have so many people like me? _Jo really wanted to shake her head and snort about what she had just thought but instead kept her smiling face on and tried to say something.

"Well, it's really good to be back," she just voiced before having checked for all bleeders, removed all tissue and closing the boy up skillfully, sending him into the ICU for aftercare. When she stood in front of the basin already having scrubbed out and rubbing lotion onto her hands before sliding her rings back on, she sighed, the surgery shown as a re-run in her mind. _She had done very well. She had missed the rush of being the only person responsible for a patient's life at a certain time and knowing that she _was _able to safe that person. _Now her entire body felt heavy. She cracked her neck before loosening her personal surgical cap which she had been surprised to retrieve from her locker that morning, and running her hands through her hair.

"I didn't mean to be disrespectful back in there," Roberts chimed up after watching his superior ponder in silence for a bit. She smiled over at him.

"It's okay," she tried to calm him. "You were right in questioning my competences," she said. "You shouldn't be sorry about that. I was in no position to stand in there by myself, I know that. I hope the chief knows that. Surely, the board knows it, judging from the reaction my husband showed when he stormed in," Jo chuckled. "Everything's a bit messy," she confessed towards the younger doctor.

"So, you haven't remembered anything yet? Since the accident?" The intern looked like he was very uncomfortable about the subject he had just raised but couldn't help himself either. She shook her head at him. It didn't bother her that people were curious. After all, it wasn't something that happened every day. At least not to a doctor that needed her brain to function seamlessly in order to go to work every morning.

"I can't even imagine," her conversational partner spat out before realizing that he might have just been a bit insensitive. Jo laughed.

"Yeah, I don't think anybody can imagine until he or she's in that exact spot. Unfortunately, I can't even tell you what I would have imagined before I had the accident since I can't remember and the time before I can't remember has passed for so long now that I can't remember either," she stated mockingly, winking and turning around to leave. When she walked out, she bumped into the chief.

"Wilson," he chirped, immediately giving her guilty eyes. "I heard what happened," he said. "I am so, so sorry you were left alone in there. That really shouldn't have happened. I promise you from now on we will try to keep everything a little bit more under control. It's just… today is such a mess," he ranted, smiling at her insecurely.

"It's okay, chief. Everything turned out okay in the end. Levi will be perfectly fine," she responded with a smile herself.

"Yeah, that was the second thing. Congratulations on your comeback, Wilson. You really impressed me. From what I've heard, you did an exemplary job in there. I couldn't be any prouder of my student," he told her. She beamed up at him, realizing for the first time that she must have been working together with him just as much as with April, regarding their medical specialties.

"Thank you," she blushed slightly. "So," she changed the topic to more pressing matters. "Have we contacted any family members yet?" Hunt nodded and directed her towards the elevator.

"Yes, the husband has arrived a little while ago I've been told," he elaborated. "I'm going to give him the news concerning his wife right now. You should probably come and talk to him about the boy," he suggested. Jo nodded.

"Hey, what happened in OR 2? Did they revive Mindy?" Hunt sighed in exasperation.

"Yeah, they did, luckily," he added, seeming genuinely glad about that outcome. "She seems stable and they could do all repair. She'll be out in a little while," he informed her.

"Good," Jo sighed. When they had arrived on the main floor, they walked out the lobby and glanced over the dozens of people all looking back at them anxiously hoping that they were here to inform _them_ about their loved ones.

"Mr. Copeland," Hunt called out for a lack of a better idea. A terrified looking mid-thirties guy got up swiftly and jogged over towards them, fear in his eyes.

"Please tell me they're alive, doctors, please," he begged them immediately. They both smiled at him understandingly, Hunt nodding and ushering the guy over to a corner to have some privacy.

"I was working on your wife, she had serious burn marks and minor internal damage but she's out of surgery and stable. She's going to be fine. She has been wheeled up to the wake up rooms and you will be able to visit with her shortly," he started the report, the husband closing his eyes thankfully, losing a tear.

"Oh thank God," he spat out, before looking over at Jo. "What about my kids?"

"I was doing the operation on Levi. He has lost a lot of blood and he will be spending a lot of time in the ICU since his external and internal injuries need time and a sterile environment to heal but he is going to be fine, also," she smiled at his crumbling face. He let out a small sob before looking back up again.

"What about Mindy? Is she okay?" The doctors sighed in unison, making him look back at them in shock.

"Don't panic, Mr. Copeland," Jo's hand shot out instantly to squeeze his arm. "Mindy is still in surgery. She came in with several fractures and a collapsed lung. Unfortunately she crashed on the table a while ago but they could revive her and she will be out of surgery shortly, as well," she explained to him.

"What does that mean?" the little girl's father's voice trembled.

"It means that she will probably have a long stretch of recovery before her but she's going to be okay. She's going to live," Jo told him reassuringly, smiling at his outburst of emotions.

"Oh God, thank you, thank you so much, doctors," he shook his head at them, pulling Jo into a hug. She beamed; reciprocating the sentiment for nothing was more beautiful than telling people their loved ones were going to live. They accompanied him to the front desk to make arrangements for him to go see his family members one by one and promised him to send him someone with an update on Mindy's condition as soon as there was one. Both doctors beamed when they got back onto the elevator.

"Hey, do you have an update on Kepner?" Hunt turned around, looking at Jo expectantly. She startled, not having thought about her colleague for hours.

"No, actually I don't," she fumbled for her phone. "Let me check on them real quick," she announced, typing in a message and inserting Jackson Avery as the recipient to it for the first time in her life. She didn't blink twice before her phone vibrated with a reply.

_J.A. – False alarm. Still only Braxton Hicks contractions or whatever they're called. She's on strict bed rest though from now on, the baby was in slight distress after today, Mon 11.05 am _

_J – Alright, then. I guess this is an acceptable excuse for leaving me alone in the OR :), Mon 11.06am_

_J.A. – WHAT? Mon 11.06am_

_J – Haha it's too late to freak out now. Everything went smoothly. Well, not true but point is patients are fine, Mon 11.07am_

_J.A. – We really need to do that board meeting. We did not mean for you to lead an OR on your first day back, Mon 11.07am_

_J – Yeah, trust me, I wasn't prepared for it either. Tell April to stay the hell in bed. She needs the rest. Labor will be knocking her out soon enough, Mon 11.08am_

_J.A. – Well, thanks for those comforting words. I actually think she had forgotten about that part when she wanted a second one, Mon 11.08am_

_J – It pleases me immensely that other people forget big stuff like that, too, Mon 11.10am_

_J.A. – Haha, you idiot. Get to work, Mon 11.10am_

_J – Talk about yourself, Mon 11.11 am_

Jo laughed inwardly about her exchange with Jackson. He was such a dork. It didn't surprise her that he had grown to be Alex's best friend over the years. They had always been close but since she had woken up from her accident she had seen their friendship in a whole new light. Especially with April and her having grown a lot closer as well. Jo bid her temporary good-byes towards the chief and walked out of the elevator, immediately bumping into Derek.

"Good, I was just about to go look for you," she greeted him. "How's Larry?"

"I'll give him another hour," he replied. "His vitals are dropping but he's stable. Callie has been informed. We have booked the OR for noon. Are you in?"

"Absolutely," she beamed up at him. "Page me if anything happens in between," she told him, already moving away. She looked down at her watch and realized how hungry she had gotten. _Alright, patient care first, then eat. _She thought before walking up to the ICU and checking in on Levi.

Meanwhile, Alex had gone down to the cafeteria and looked around the crowd impatiently. He sighed, getting a coffee from the cart and actually already wanting to leave when he spotted Mina from afar waving at him frantically. He smiled slightly before nearing her and stopping at a talking distance.

"You look like your coffee date has stood you up," she grinned at him. "Why don't you join me on my quick lunch here and tell me what's going on with you," she suggested, motioning for him to sit in her usual polite manner, cleaning her mouth with a napkin. Alex hesitated shortly before sighing and taking a seat. Mina looked at him expectantly before picking up her fork again and taking a bite of her salad. Alex watched her eat for a moment, trying to shape thoughts in his head. "It's Jo's first day back today from what I've heard," Mina tried to start the conversation as well.

"Wow, this hospital really does have whispering walls, huh?" Alex chuckled.

"Well, I keep track of my patients," she winked at him, silence embracing them again. "Is that why you sought me out? Because you're worried about her going back to work?" Mina looked at him pointedly, trying to make eye contact. Alex shook his head at her, taking a deep breath.

"It's something else," he said, still not knowing how to introduce this very delicate topic.

"Okay, let's hear it," she poked him a little.

"It's about… being intimate with Jo," he choked out awkwardly, immediately blushing. Mina tried to not consider his current looks and kept her neutral face on.

"What about it?"

"Well, we've been having… troubles lately," he slowly confessed.

"In bed?"

"Well, yeah," Alex responded in irritation, looking down, trying to shape meaningful sentences. Mina who was thinking that was already the gist of what was bothering him, immediately started her treatment plan it seemed.

"Well, you know, it's not uncommon for couples who have gone through rough patches like you have to not quite click again, even if it's sexually we are talking about. You probably just have to give it some time until it sparks again," she looked up at him after having skewered pieces of lettuce and tomatoes on her fork meticulously. Alex looked back at her in confusion.

"No, that's not it," he told her. "I didn't mean to say we are having problems while at it," he clarified for her. Mina looked at him puzzled, Alex rolling his eyes for having to spell it out for her. "We haven't done it yet," he whispered in a low voice, letting his eyes glance over their immediate surroundings for potential listeners.

"Oh," Mina coughed. "I'm sorry, I should have heard you out," she said sheepishly. "I'm on lunch break, so please forgive me for having harmed the rules of a conversation even though that's what I specialize in," she winked at him. Alex chuckled.

"It's fine. Thanks for listening, anyways," he told her, feeling embarrassed about approaching their therapist while she was off duty.

"You're good. I invited you to sit with me," she pointed out.

"Because I stalked you," he came back. They both laughed.

"Alright, so you're concerned about your sex life because it's not happening," Mina brought them back to their initial topic. Alex nodded, trying to elaborate but before he had the chance, she cut him again, not having realized for the second time this day that he hadn't finished his thought. "You know, at this time I'd urge you again to give Jo some slack. She has been through a whole lot and she has coped very well from what I see and hear. Living a life that you know nothing about is harder than we both probably will ever know about. You gotta remind yourself that she's not your wife as we speak. In her mind, correct me if I'm wrong, you have never been intimate before," she told him with emphasis. When Alex smirked, she looked at him in surprise.

"What?"

"You really do switch off from being a therapist when you are on lunch, huh?" he teased her lightly even though he wasn't sure he was in the position to do so.

"Why? What did I say now?" Mina said in what sounded like part offense, part embarrassment.

"You didn't let me finish," he pointed out to her, making _her _blush now and form an _Oh _on her lips. He smiled at her before continuing. "It's not her that's the problem. It's me. I haven't been able to… do it yet," he said, growing more serious when voicing it. Mina studied his face for a little bit before responding.

"Okay, but now you're done, right? Nothing more to add?" she chuckled lightly, him joining in and nodding. "Alright. So, do you have any thoughts on that? I mean do you know why that's the case?" Alex sighed deeply.

"That's what's bugging me most. For the longest time I didn't have the slightest idea. I mean, of course, in the beginning I was thinking along the lines of giving her space and time and doing baby steps… you know… but since the day I realized that she really wasn't the one having any objections about it, I've started thinking… and I do think I have _some _kind of explanation, I'm just not sure about it yet… and I just… I've tried but I can't seem to get myself to talk to her about it," he rambled on, trying to make sense.

"At all? Have you talked about it at all?" Mina checked.

"Yes, yes, we have talked about the matter. And fought about it. And whatnot. But not about the reasons. I have been trying to… conceal them from her. Because they are… hurtful," Alex whispered the last part.

"Hurtful? Towards her?" Mina asked. Alex nodded curtly.

"Or not, I don't know anymore at this time," he said, scrunching his face up in exasperation.

"Care to enlighten me about them?"

"Well," he looked over at her pondering. "It's… I mean…," he stuttered.

"I guess it has nothing to do with wanting to do it, from what I can see in your whole attitude," she said, gesturing her hands at him.

"No, no, absolutely not. Nothing like it," Alex denied instantly.

"Okay. Does it have to do with your difficult circumstances now?"

"Of course it has to do with that," Alex told her a little affronted. "Why would I be talking to you about anything else?" Mina raised her eyebrows and laughed. "I mean, no offense," he added when seeing her face.

"Well, it could have been anything, really. I don't know. Maybe with all the changes and frustrations and whatnot you guys have to deal with, maybe you have found your… sexual desires fulfilled somewhere else," she stated, completely emotionally void. Alex looked at her in offense now.

"What? No, no, God, no," he shook his head violently, his face distorted in pain for the stupid suggestion. "Ugh," he groaned for it being so complicated.

"Alright, alright, I really didn't think so," Mina flung her hands up to show she was backing off. "I just tried to rule out everything else for me to understand better," she explained. He nodded, rubbing his eyes.

"I would never cheat on Jo," he stated. "That's a ridiculous thought," he added, completely neutral. Mina smiled at him.

"You guys really are something," she admitted, looking at his face almost admiringly. "I can't believe there really is something that you guys are having serious problems with. I mean ones you can't deal with yourself," she clarified her statement, seeing his eyes and chuckling. "Every couple fights, Alex. I just meant, in the context of therapy you guys have given me amazing insight into your relationship and I really do think, as I have told you, that you guys have an extraordinary bond between you. So, whatever it is that makes you pull away from her physically, it's probably either something r_idiculous _– as you would dub it – or it's something that is very common in couples that experience trauma like you did," she went on.

"What would that be?" Alex asked in interest, not feeling like giving away anymore of his private life with Jo.

"Um," Mina pushed her plate away and supported her elbows on the table. "Well, there's that one problem a lot of spouses experience that they can't relate to their partners anymore, especially if the amnesia covers a time frame which includes forgetting about that person altogether," she started her listing. "Then, some people feel like they're cheating on their 'old partners' with the 'new one', if you know what I mean," she looked at him for reassurance. Alex hiked his eyebrows and snorted humorlessly for knowing it was a serious problem that wasn't to be laughed at.

"That'd be kind of… sick," he pointed out insecurely. Mina narrowed her eyes at him.

"You know, actually that's one of the most common emotions people experience," she pointed out for him.

"Yeah, that's because all the most common features in a person are prone to develop into actual diseases or disorders due to them often becoming over pronounced or feigning too much attention and people obsessing over them," he shot back immediately.

"Good point," Mina nodded acceptingly. "So, I detract that none of my reasons have anything to do with yours?"

Alex shook his head again. "No," he said, defeated. "I guess that makes me obsessive as well, dragging something out of proportion," he winked at Mina.

"Alright, you going to tell me or am I going to have to summon you back to my couch and charge you for the answer?" she grinned at him evilly. Alex snorted. He hadn't thought it before but the woman really was nicer than expected. Maybe her office just gave him the creeps. Or maybe he had just been too prejudiced, just as Jo had told him he was. He chuckled at the thought of that. _Yeah, you are always right, I get it. _He talked to the mental image of his wife.

"Okay. What if…," he started, trying for the last time to say a meaningful sentence. "What if Jo-," he said, startling when he got interrupted by momentarily discussed person sneaking up on them from behind and letting herself fall down in the chair next to him, pulling up her knees and smiling at him cheekily.

"Yeah, what if Jo….?" Jo repeated his last musings, her eyes sparkling at him before biting into an apple enthusiastically. She wriggled her eyebrows at Mina in recognition and awaited a reply staring at Alex with a smirk on her face.

"Jo," Alex choked out, his pulse accelerating. He tried to find some sensible reason for him to sit with Mina at lunch without having to tell her that he had been trying to talk something over with her but couldn't find at least one by the life of him. Jo laughed at him and sighed.

"It's okay, Alex, I'm just kidding. I don't wanna know," she tried to soothe him.

"No, Jo, it's not like that," he tried to tell her. She leaned forward, dropping her feet back to the ground, chewing on her apple happily and squeezed his arm.

"Alex, I'm serious, I don't wanna know. You can tell me if you want to but I'm not making you. I'm glad you are talking to Mina. I wouldn't have thought," she admitted, looking over at the therapist and sharing a quick knowing glance, "but I'm glad you are. I just spotted you and had a single minute to kill and wanted to come say hi before I go back in the OR," she told him, joy lacing her voice. Alex looked at her part sorry part happy for her being that hyped.

"I just needed…," he tried to explain one more time before Jo shushed him again.

"Shut up," she looked at him sternly, making him smile. They shared a long gaze before Alex broke the silence.

"So, you've been kicking major ass this morning, huh?" he looked at her proudly. She nodded heavily, munching away on her apple. "Well, good for you, you deserve it," he told her, squeezing her thigh. She smiled at him. "Hey, do you have any idea where Jackson might be?" he asked her casually, a deep crease emerging on his forehead.

"Oh, you haven't heard?" Jo looked at him in surprise, putting a hand up to her mouth for having talked with her mouth full and swallowing before continuing. "April went into false labor. They put her on strict bed rest. I texted him a while ago, I'm actually not sure if they sent her home or left her in a room here somewhere," she looked at the ceiling, trying to recall if they had brushed that topic. "He's probably with her," she finished after realizing the information really didn't benefit Alex in any way. Alex had hiked his eyebrows in interest and nodded. "And for that same reason I've been flying solo this morning," her eyes twinkled at him again. He smiled. "Alright, I'm not gonna disturb your therapeutical flow any longer, I really need to get going," she told him.

"What's on your agenda?"

"Scrubbing in with Shepherd and Torres for the guy with the brain bleed and the compartment syndrome on his left leg and whatnot, I don't know if you've heard," she summarized it for him quickly.

"Alright, have fun, you can tell me all about it later," Alex concluded, making her smile and lean towards him.

"Or not," she said, smirking against his lips. He chuckled.

"You're thinking about last night, aren't you?" he murmured against hers. She nodded in contentment, leaving her lips on his for a moment longer before pulling away and looking at him cheekily, wriggling her eyebrows. He smiled. "Go kick ass," he told her, Jo bending down one more time to peck his lips before turning away and jogging towards the surgical wing. When he turned back towards Mina, she was gathering up her things as well, smiling at him.

"I'm sorry, as much as I wanna discuss this, I really have to get going. I have a patient in," she looked down at her watch. "10 minutes," she said. "Ugh, I'm already late," she apologized. Alex looked at her, torn. "Look, Alex," Mina said. "Whatever it is, and I'm not quite sure if my mind is creative enough to go there and find out without you telling me, I really believe you can work it out with Jo or it's going to pass," she stared down at him, already standing. "But you are most welcome to come find me on my regular consultation schedule if you're still at odds with yourself," she offered him before waving to him and taking a couple of steps from the table. Alex looked after her, pondering about her words. _She was probably right. He was going to have to figure it out between Jo and him. After all, last night Jo had him as far as throwing all reason to the wind and succumbing to their passion for each other. _Alex looked up in surprise when Mina turned around walking backwards to initiate one more question.

"Hey, how did the story with Jo's mom turn out? Did you decide to tell her?" she asked him in curiosity. He smiled.

"Actually, Jo did ask for it herself in the end. She wanted to know about it and I told her I would tell her but she needed to decide for herself if she was ready for it," he narrated.

"Good," Mina smiled at him. "Means I was right again, doesn't it?" she chuckled, turning and leaving the cafeteria, Alex shaking his head at the overly confident therapist.

The afternoon passed fairly quickly. Jo had scrubbed into Larry Mannings' surgery and they had had a half-success at it. Their plan of letting the body's vitals guide their procedures worked well and they could fix all internal bleedings, Jo working on his torso while Callie was fixing his left leg with the compartment syndrome and a crushed ankle on the right. Shepherd had been able to stop the brain bleed, nevertheless, he had injured the brain while at it and even though Larry hadn't woken yet, he had taken the defeat and expected memory, speech and/or hearing loss. Jo really felt for him. She still was riding out her high, but she really did feel for him. Even though she had been a surgeon for such a long time now and she had always realized how unbelievably important and complicated the human's brain was, she had a freaking lot more appreciation towards it now that she had experienced brain injury on her own life. The brain was a very delicate matter. And brain injuries the possibly worst there were. She patted Shepherd's back in sympathy when they walked out of the scrub room. He looked back at her, giving her a sad smile.

"We don't even know yet what's going to happen," Jo tried to soothe him.

"Well, he's going to wake up with the one or the other damage," Shepherd replied hopelessly.

"He's going to be happy he survived," Callie pointed out for him, scrolling down the patient's history they had gotten from Larry's wife eventually. Jo nodded.

"Yeah, I know," Shepherd responded, putting his elbows down at the counter of the nurses' station and lowering his face into his hands. "It's just been…. A whole lot of failures lately," he commented.

"What?" Callie frowned at him, not having heard anything about that. "I can't recall even one in the last couple of months that didn't turn out successful," she mused. Shepherd looked at her pointedly before his eyes grazed over towards Jo who closed her eyes in pain.

"Oh, Derek," she spat out, sighing, looking back up at him. "You are kidding me, right?" Jo could see the pain and desperation flash up in the neurosurgeon's eyes. "Oh, come on, you can't be serious," she urged him one more time, squeezing his shoulder. "I was a huge success," she told him, chuckling humorlessly. "You freaking saved my life when everyone else had given up on me," Jo reassured him. Callie nodded heavily to stress Jo's point. "Don't you dare call me a failure," she pressed on, Derek still silently following their arguing. "Look, I saw the scans. I'm no neurosurgeon but from what I saw on these scans, I would have thought that my case was hopeless. You freaking gave me back my life," she said.

"No," Derek spoke up for the first time. "No, Kepner did. She was the one reviving you when you had crashed," he pointed out, Jo rolling her eyes. "I took the life you knew from you," he added sadly.

"Now, stop with the pining," Jo got mad. "I'm trying to cope here, alright? You did not take my life, are we clear? I have a life, and it's perfect. And nobody says that this amnesia will be permanent. Because believe it or not, I'm working on it. It hasn't shown any successes yet but I'm being positive. You really shouldn't let your emotions cloud what you know is true. There's nothing more you could have done for me than save my life and remove the brain bleed. You don't even know the amnesia set in because of something you did or because of the trauma of having tons of metal blow against my head," Jo reasoned angrily. "Oh wait, except for all the scans that show that nothing is wrong with the physical part of my brain," she pointed out to him. "And you know it."

"Look, Derek," she smiled at him, more softly now. "I know this feels like a loss. And I know it's frustrating and sad. Trust me, I know. But I will get over it, I promise," she stared him directly into his eyes, making both Derek and Callie narrow their eyes at her.

"Are you saying you remember stuff?" he pushed himself up from the counter and looked at her with the hint of hope.

"No," Jo shook her head. "But I will," she decided. "I'm sick and tired of hoping. Now I'm believing. And you should, too. Don't punish yourself for something that isn't your fault," Jo said, already walking away, leaving two astonished faces behind that were just trying to digest Jo's speech. "And don't give up on Larry yet," she called back. "He might not be at such loss either," she winked before once again, boarding the elevator to take her to another scene.

Jo spent the rest of the day in the E.R., gladly settling to do sutures and help with admitting patients and administering first aid to them. It calmed her heavily storming mind down. She was still recovering from her mind-blowing high she had been carrying around all day and she really didn't anticipate hitting the low when all the endorphins had calmed down, so she prepared herself with doing hypnotizing errands that were still productive. When it was about time to finish her shift, she walked towards the coffee cart, fetched a cup of the heavenly smelling liquid and strolled around the halls on lookout for the one person she already felt deprived of and needed to see badly. She smiled when she finally made him out at the opposite end of a corridor, looking up at the OR board in concentration. _Perfect. Exactly where she had wanted him to be. _

Jo walked closer slowly, still remaining unseen by her husband for the moment, holding out the cup of coffee for him in front of his chest whereas her right hand was snaking around his waist, squeezing it tightly and her nose nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"Hey stranger," he greeted her in positive surprise.

"Dr. Karev," she looked up and approached him with a fake suck-up voice. He frowned at her slightly, trying to conceal a grin. "Can I scrub in on your _really _cool and highly educational surgery tomorrow morning?" she blinked her eyelashes at him flirtingly. He laughed out loud for referencing _the _intern way to get into surgeries – disregarding sexual favors – as such. She smiled up at him sweetly, before he took over the cup and took a sip, turning his head around to the board and wriggling his eyebrows at it to make her look.

"Seems like you don't need no attending to scrub in with anymore," he smirked, the head nurse momentarily updating the board and wiping away Kepner's name on a couple of surgeries and replacing it with Jo's as lead surgeon. Jo raised her eyebrows also and laughed in surprise.

"Apparently so," she nodded, still a little shocked with the unannounced presents she was being rewarded with. She looked back over towards Alex and grinned widely.

"Looks like you are pretty much back to business within one day," he commented, competing with the brightness of her smile. She nodded, leaning in and kissing him passionately. When they pulled apart, she sighed deeply, still looking at his eyes warmly. "Contact high," Alex chuckled, remembering the few times somebody had talked about it after surgeries and always having waved it away but with Jo… well, with Jo everything was different. She laughed and pecked him again, shortly this time, nodding.

"Ugh, you have no idea how good it feels," she groaned, having put both arms around his waist and Alex still side hugging her, studying the board again. They startled when somebody bumped into them on Alex's other side and both rolled their eyes when they saw who it was.

"What's up, love birds?" Stephanie exclaimed cheerfully. "What has you so extremely affectionate lately? Is it just the very successful day you both had… oooor did you finally seal the deal?" Their friend cackled wildly, seeming to be on a high herself. Alex looked at her with wide eyes, trying to decide between a frown and a grin, whereas Jo tried to keep the chuckling in and looked around for potential listeners, warning her.

"Shhhhhut up," Jo hissed, giving Stephanie a warning glare, however, said one just laughed louder.

"So, you're generously sharing the details of our sex life now?" Alex looked back at Jo with amusement written all over his face.

"What details?" Jo shot back instantly, her competitive face plastered on. Alex's eyebrows hiked way up into his hairline, opening his mouth in disbelief, still good-natured, though. Stephanie had distorted her face watching their back and forth eagerly.

"Touché," Alex gave Jo making her wink at him lovingly before shifting her gaze slightly to look at Stephanie.

"What's up?" she asked her friend who had linked her arm with Alex's who sighed exasperatedly seemingly trapped between the ladies.

"You guys up for a drink at Joe's?" Stephanie suggested light-heartedly. "You sure have lots to celebrate," she pointed out. Jo smiled, looking back at Alex's face who was still looking at Steph.

"Thanks, but no thanks. Disregarding the two and a half hours of sleep I got in the on-call room last night, I haven't slept in ages. I'm gonna pick up the kids and go straight home," he said, smiling at Stephanie, grateful about the offer.

"Jo?" she asked, leaning her head over to see her face. Alex turned towards her as well.

"Um, do you mind?" she directed at Alex.

"No, no, you should go," he told her, scrunching up his face. "You _do _have a lot to celebrate. And you girls should hang out a bit," he added, smiling at her. Jo smiled back at him with pure love in her eyes and sighed before groaning.

"You really are the best husband 7 years ago Jo has found for me," Jo said, making Alex chuckle and pulled him closer again, smacking his lips noisily before he had turned around fully into her embrace and kissed him deeply. Stephanie rolled her eyes at them, already taking a few steps past the couple and tugging at Jo's scrubs.

"Come on, Jo, this is awkward," she said dismissively, making both of them chuckle into their kiss. Jo held herself up to him, their eyes only inches apart, both sets of pupils dilated in dark passion, eyes glazed over with desire and their smiles radiating nothing but love and pride for each other. Jo pecked Alex's lips one more time before sighing and jumping down from his embrace, linking arms with Stephanie and strolling away, throwing back one more look at him, matching their eyes, realizing for one cheesy moment that the saying everybody was tossing around and warming up for no good reason that successes meant nothing in life unless you had the perfect person to share them with was actually one hundred percent true.


	41. Chapter 41

Over a week had passed since Jo's comeback to work and she felt like she was still flying a pretty steady high. The day after her first had started with the board meeting both Jackson and Owen had promised her in which they had all agreed on a kind of slow skill adaption training for her to ease into her specialty again with Owen supervising her most of the time, since April had succumbed to being strapped to her bed – much to her own dislike – and Jo switching in between specialties or rather attendings to work with since the chief was a very busy man himself, not always actively representing on the floor. Jo's adrenaline level on her blood count had to be on overflow she had decided a while back with all the fun she had going at surgeries. It was difficult coming back but since she had decided on her first day to go about it with as much confidence and open-mindedness as she could muster she felt pretty good about being back to work. She found herself at the skills lab more times than not making a lot of fellow attendings roll their eyes at her but she wouldn't let herself get dragged into something she wasn't ready for. Jo had readily taken over April's surgeries as they had come in but she had insisted on going through every procedure with a fellow doctor beforehand and practicing them on dummies. Alex had been trying to help her out as much as he could even though his schedule had been as full as ever. They frequently spent their lunch breaks at the skills lab together, him watching her do procedures on the plastic bodies while forcing her to eat which she had stopped thinking about at all. In between doing surgeries and getting back to her usual workload and still being the best mom she was trying to be for her kids even though she was hurting for barely spending time with them, she had found herself spending less and less time with Alex. The first few days she crashed down on their bed every time as soon as she was in the vicinity of it and couldn't move anymore, apologizing to him every single morning when she woke cuddled up in his arms to the obnoxious beeping of their alarm clock and after a week they had succumbed to completely opposite schedules, so they didn't see each other at all much. She missed him terribly, however, there was one good thing to detract from their situation – at least there was always one of them who had enough time on their hands to be with their kids.

That night, Alex and Jo had both feverishly anticipated, for they were supposed to be getting off at the same time. When a trauma had gotten in 20 minutes before they would have left, Jo was torn in between not wanting to decline the unbelievable chance Hunt gave her to scrub in and mourning for the lost time with Alex. When she had encountered him, he had only laughed and kissed her and told her to have fun. Once they got out of surgery and had saved a person's life at it even though it really hadn't looked like it at all 3 hours earlier, Jo and Hunt had immediately noticed the commotion going on around the nurses' station and when they switched on the news channel they realized how bad the weather had gotten. Forecasts were warning to go out at this time for the snow had left half the city stationary, with streets being barred and parts of downtown registering mass power outages. Hunt had immediately argued with her when she had let him know that she was going to drive home anyways, as fast as she could before there wasn't a chance left to do so and stay separated from Alex and the kids for who knew how long. Hunt had pointed out to her how dangerous driving would be at that time but after a while even he had accepted that there was no reasoning with Jo about this. So, he had let her go, with pain in his stomach and a very big lump in his throat still trying to think positive and not letting himself think back to the accident she had had a couple of months before.

Now, Jo was cursing as she was trying to park herself in their driveway, getting out of the car swiftly to retrieve a snow shovel from their garage and clear the spot that had already been completely snowed in. Luckily, their house wasn't all that far from the hospital but still, the way over had been terrible. Jo's heart had been beating at a very high rate, however, she really didn't want to stay at the hospital. Not that night. The one night she could spend with Alex. And thinking about what all those forecasts were saying, she'd rather stay home with her family for a few days, being snowed in, than spend them at the hospital all alone. When she had managed to shove all the snow out of her way and move the car a few more feet up the driveway even though she was fighting with some serious wheel spinning, she made her way up the front steps, shivering from the cold and the wet that was already seeping through her coat and unlocked the door, immediately pushing it close quietly for she knew the kids must have been in bed for hours already and losing her overcoat, trying to shake out her hair from the huge snowflakes that had covered it up completely.

Jo immediately peeked into the living room, having seen the TV lighten up the semi-dark room and hallway upon entering, volume turned down to the very low. She smiled when seeing Alex sitting up on the couch, remote in one hand, his head leaning back slightly, mouth wide open, having fallen asleep it seemed while waiting for her. She tried to approach him noiselessly, climbing up to straddle him and reaching for his cheeks to wake him gently. She startled heavily when Alex woke with a jump, yelling and giving her frantic eyes, clutching his left hand to her hip and almost hitting her with the remote control before realizing that it was only her and not some mugger or murderer. They looked at each other wide-eyed for a moment before Jo started laughing full-throatedly at him, bouncing up and down, shaking with amusement.

"Owwww," she cried out, rubbing her hip that he had clutched a little too tight during his shock moment and grinned down at him who was looking up at her still recovering from the heart attack she had been responsible for.

"What the hell, Jo?" Alex grunted at her, rubbing his eyes to calm himself down.

"I'm sorry," Jo responded, giving him an apologetic face while still chuckling mildly. "I didn't mean to startle you," she said, leaning down to kiss him. She could feel how he was reciprocating only grudgingly and she broke the kiss, cupping his face with her hands and running her thumbs across his cheeks repeatedly, both pain and amusement reflecting her eyes.

"Don't do that," he told her again, sighing deeply. She just chuckled.

"I'm so sorry, Alex, I didn't think you would actually hit me," she pointed out, giving him a small smile.

"I was about to strangle you if you wanna know the details," he told her with sharp eyes before closing them for a moment and trying to get his heart rate down. Jo waited for a moment before snaking her arms around his neck and pulled herself closer, their faces only inches apart, waiting for him to accept her apology. When he opened his eyes, he finally put his hands around her and reached up to kiss her. They immediately deepened the sentiment, his tongue grazing the insides of her mouth, Alex holding her in an iron embrace and pressing their bodies flush against each other.

"Mhhm," Jo sighed, smiling against his lips when they took a break from exploring each other.

"You shouldn't have driven home in this weather," Alex scolded her, thinking about how bad it had already gotten when he was driving the kids home hours ago. "It's awful out there. They've already put out a blizzard alert, no going in or out wherever you are," he informed her, trying to give her stern eyes but she still had her eyes closed, enjoying their close embrace.

"Are you complaining?" she whispered against his mouth, shaking her head slightly, rubbing their noses together.

"I'm just saying, you are supposed to take care of yourself," he replied grumpily.

"I'm taking care of you at the moment," she smirked, kissing him again. He groaned, feeling how their bodies reacted to each other, anticipating her deep, sensual movements with her lips and hips, grasping her a little tighter, before snaking his right hand underneath her shirt, exploring the soft skin beneath it. Jo sighed into the kiss, feeling how her head already felt dizzy with the overwhelming sensation of Alex actually willingly doing stuff to her. _She really needed to stop. _She moaned quietly, tightening her left arm around his neck, running her right arm down between his back and the couch, making him shift a tiny bit. _Stop it now before you regret it later. _She told herself. _But this is too good_. Jo's insides were burning for the man underneath her. She could feel a big knot forming in her gut when she sighed deeply and broke the kiss, biting her lips while he was kissing down her throat. Jo startled 'awake' when both of Alex's hands found their way underneath her shirt, slowly dragging it upwards, feeling up her boobs. She pulled back a bit, Alex looking at her in surprise.

"What are you doing?" she looked down at him, taken aback, meeting questioning eyes.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he shook his head at her with a frown on his face, pulling her closer again.

"No, Alex," she said, slapping his hands away.

"_What_? What the hell's your problem?" he asked her, irritated.

"I'm on my period," Jo told him, still looking at him quizzically.

"_What?" _he spat out angrily. "Why the hell did you seduce me like that if you're on your period?"

Jo looked at him, her mouth gaping open. "Um," she voiced insecurely. "I didn't realize that you were ready to go there…," she said, a little confused. "I mean… I thought we weren't doing it anyways," she explained slowly, trying to find out what the hell was going on. "I didn't expect you to wanna go there," she repeated.

"What did it look like to you?" he still sounded mad.

"Well, we've been doing _that_ kind of stuff all the time," she defended herself, a little hysterically now. He sighed.

"Can you even _remember _last Sunday when we were about to do it before I got paged? What did you think we were going to do if I hadn't left?" Alex questioned her with an unbelieving face.

"Well, I thought you just… I thought that was a onetime thing… because you were telling me a hot sex story – which by the way I still don't get with you actually not meaning to sleep with me_ but okay_ – and I just thought… I thought you couldn't control yourself anymore… I didn't think that was the go for… your insecurities to be over for good," Jo voiced, still very slowly, sighing deeply for feeling stupid thinking like that. When she looked back down at him, she bit her lip and bounced back to giving him her innocent eyes. "Sorry?" He rolled his eyes and laughed, annoyance lacing his voice, retrieving his hands from underneath her shirt and covering his eyes, leaning back slightly.

"You know, that still doesn't justify you being a horrible tease while knowing exactly that you can't or won't have sex with me," Alex looked up at her judgingly.

"Well," she smirked down at him, running one finger down his chest, grabbing a handful of his shirt and pulling herself closer with the help of it, kissing him again, very seductively before trailing kisses across his jaw line to whisper in his ear. "I thought I might be of some assistance with… taking care of _this_," she murmured, her voice laced with dripping desire and running her left hand further down towards his buckle. His hand gripped onto her wrist tightly, stopping her from going there, making her look up at him in surprise.

"I've got _this_," he said, stressing the last word and waving his other hand at her, "to take care of myself," he told her with an evil look on his face. Jo's eyes bulged.

"Are you being serious right now?" she asked him incredulously. He nodded at her with a smirk. She opened her mouth and let out a humorless laugh, shaking her head and trying to keep the anger down, narrowing her eyes at him.

"You know, until now I was _really_ trying to be supportive and understanding and giving you space and time… but _this," _she raised her voice a little. "This is too much. Now I'm just offended," Jo told him madly. "I mean, you know I do not have a problem with you entertaining yourself as long as you give me what I want and need, like when we're having a forced dry spell since you need to go to Malawi or something…whatever. But telling me to my face that you are having sex without me while I've been begging you for some… While I have been _offering you to do it for you,_" she spat out, trying to unmount him but Alex grasped her tightly, feeling her pull away and realizing how hurtful he had just been even though he had meant it as kind of a playful revenge for her seducing him like that. Which was cruel. He couldn't help himself. "Now I'm really taking offense," she finished her rant. "Let me go," she ordered.

"Jo," Alex told her soothingly.

"No, don't give me those eyes," she said. "You told me a minute ago that you were ready to do it and then the next I tell you I'm going to do everything in my power to… make you happy, and then you tell me you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself… so, no, don't give me that look," she said.

"Jo," he said a little louder, catching her wrists and trying to make her look at him. "Jo, look at me for God's sake," he said. She did so but grudgingly.

"No, if you don't want me to, it's fine," she shot back, crossing her arms and almost looking a little like she was pouting. He smiled at her, not able to help himself for she was being so cute. He brought his hands up to her upper arms and rubbed them up and down, soothingly, matching their eyes, not speaking. After a while, she let his gaze melt her and leaned down to bring their foreheads together, her still having her arms crossed in front of his chest, not letting him quite in. "Well, you're the one who's missing out," she hissed at him grumpily. "I give wicked blow jobs," she said, making Alex chuckle loudly, earning a very, very unwilling small smile from her.

"I know that, baby, trust me," he said, trying to soothe her with drawing shapes on her back. He kissed her forehead before she finally got sick of shielding herself from him and uncrossed her arms, pulling back a little to look at him. He reached up towards her hair and entangled his fingers in it. "I didn't mean to offend you. I was mad because you were teasing me that badly and I'm just… _so over _not sleeping with you," he righted his actions, making her chuckle.

"Does that have anything to do with you meeting Mina behind my back?" she smiled down at him, trying to inch closer to where his mind was at.

"Um… yes and no," he said, making her nod. "I did approach her on that subject… but we never actually talked about the reason that made me practice sexual abstinence," he winked at her. "But she helped me realize that… that I was completely wrong in thinking that you were a different person and we are a different couple now. Because it's so not true. Last week, when we never got to see each other, I had so much time on my hands to think about it… and I actually realized I totally ran myself into something stupid with my fears. We're still the same people we always were. We're the same couple we always were. I didn't see that before. I was so scared of having lost you and having lost _us_ that I didn't even give you the chance to be that person that you always were," he tried explaining, all of a sudden feeling the urge to talk about everything. Jo nodded, smiling at him to show him her support. "I was so stupid," he pointed out. "At Thanksgiving… when you said that thing about Izzie… that you were just glad that I'm married to you _now_ and it doesn't matter to you that I was married before and that you genuinely believe that I'm over it and that you're the love of my life… that was so true, everything you said is so true – but that's not my point. _That_ moment I realized… I kind of caught on… that even though we hadn't even talked about it before – I mean after your accident," he clarified, making her nod again, "we hadn't talked about Izzie but you still had the very same opinion that my 'old wife Jo' had… seriously, I kinda wanna bet that you've even told me the exact same words before," he said. "And that's when I first realized… it's _you… _it's still you," Alex repeated, amazed by his own words again even though he had been thinking them for weeks now. He looked up at his wife in wonderment. "God, it's you," he said again making her sigh and smile with pained eyes.

"That's what I've been trying to communicate to you," she murmured, before leaning down to kiss him softly. When she pulled back she frowned. "Wait, does that mean you've not been sleeping with me because you didn't wanna cheat on old Jo? Or something like it? Cause I have asked you about that before and I have told you if that's the reason I won't accept it," she looked at him chidingly.

"No," he said, shaking his head with a soft smile, looking defeated. It was time for him to come clean and he knew it. He just didn't know what to tell her. When he looked up at her expectant face, he sighed deeply, showing his concern. "Jo, it's… I'm not sure if you'll understand," he voiced his uncertainty.

"Try me," she urged him, shaking her head. "I swear, I won't make fun of you or hit you or yell at you or whatever… I'm just… I'm so tired of not knowing… it feels so crappy not knowing why my husband refrains from sleeping with me and even though I rationally know that it's not something related to me… it's not because you don't want me or I don't attract you or something, I know that… but you know… the longer you haven't told me… the more my mind was dealing with those kinds of thoughts," she said. "I just need to know," Jo cupped his face and kissed him deeply, surprising him. _"Please," _Jo almost made him buckle with her plea. He grabbed onto her waist tightly, pulling her close again, sighing. "I need to know," she urged him again, pecking his lips and trailing down kisses to his neck and shoulder.

"Okay but please, promise me something," he asked her.

"What is it?" she immediately inquired, running her hands through his hair.

"Please don't pull away. Please don't be hurt without saying anything. I think it'll hurt you and I think it'll be… hard… but I need you to talk to me, alright?" he begged her with his eyes.

"What the hell is it?" Jo came back again, desperation written all over her face, kissing him again for that was the only thing she knew momentarily. She needed for them to connect.

"I've been waiting for you to remember something..anything. It's…it felt wrong to just…_settle_-," Alex started to voice when Jo's eyes grew wide and she sucked in a deep breath, looking shocked. "What? What is it? Jo, are you okay?" Alex said, trying to make out what had happened.

"Oh my God, Alex," she told him, shaking her head. "I just realized why you're not sleeping with me," she told him with tears in her eyes, her face looking like she was hurting so much – but not because he had hurt her but because she was hurting for his pain. He looked at her slightly insecure since he doubted that she would have actually realized what had been going on herself, and he hadn't even gotten that far with explaining. "Oh God, Alex," she pulled him closer, leaning her forehead against his, shaking her head, trying to not lose any tears. "God, you're such an idiot, oh my God," she said, not believing it.

"Jo, you haven't even heard half of it," Alex tried to tame her. She pulled away from his face, cupping his cheeks and looking at him straightforwardly.

"You've not been sleeping with me because you feel like if you sleep with me, go that one last step with me, you're giving up on me," she told him matter-of-factly. "You literally believe that in sleeping with me you give up all hope for me to regain my memory," she told him, certainty in her voice but her eyes questioning him to see if it was true. They looked at each other for a long moment before he nodded curtly. "Oh my God, baby," she completely broke on top of him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him into a tight embrace, him reciprocating the sentiment. "Oh, baby, you are such an idiot. You are so, so, so stupid, it's unbelievable," she told him, not in the least comprehending his thoughts. Alex pulled her back with emphasis when she started laughing. "Oh God, baby, I'm gonna cry," she said in between chuckles, wiping away stray tears. "How can you even think that?" she asked him, glaring at him as he was silently taking her reaction. When he didn't say anything, she lunged down and kissed him, passionately. Her body felt like it had been dipped in boiling water, Alex's ironclad hands on her waist, his tongue doing gut-wrenching stuff with hers. Jo pulled away from him, leaving them both breathing heavily, looking at each other.

"Jo, I'm sorry, I really am. And it hurts that you think that this is ridiculous-," he tried to explain himself before she interrupted him again.

"No, Alex, no, stop there," she told him, grasping his hands from her waist and intertwining all four of them in between them, kissing them. "I do think it's ridiculous but there's a difference in thinking the matter is ridiculous and thinking _you_ are ridiculous. Because you are _not _ridiculous," she stared down at him.

"I'm not?" Alex asked her in a very small, insecure voice. Jo wanted to cry. He had been hurting so much and she couldn't get over the fact that he hadn't been able to tell her.

"No, baby, you're not ridiculous. But you should have told me," she enlightened him exasperatedly. "You should have told me that while _I_ was thinking you were giving up on me with _not _sleeping with me, you were thinking the exact opposite," she said, him looking surprised. "Oh come on, that wasn't so far-fetched. Of course I thought you were giving up on me… on our marriage… I thought you were giving up hope. But you thinking with sleeping with me you'd accept my 'new me' and give up hope for bringing 'old me' back? I'd have never guessed," she told him, almost a little apologetically. They looked at each other deeply, gathering themselves.

"I love you so much, Alex," she said after a while. "And I _know _with all my heart that you are the very last person on this planet that will ever give up on me, alright?"

When Alex nodded to her exclamation, she bit her lips and sighed, letting go of his hands and petting the side of his head.

"Come here," he ordered, taking initiative for the first time this evening and pulling her into a kiss. They almost lost control over themselves again when suddenly, the TV made a loud zoom and they found themselves sitting in pitch black darkness. Their lips smacked apart Jo looking up at the ceiling for the lights had gone out while Alex looked past her at the TV and other devices which all showed blackened displays.

"Okay…?" Jo voiced slowly, chuckling.

"It must have hit our block, now," Alex said, trying to look out the window. He looked back at her, bouncing his thighs to usher her up. "Just," he said, trying to roll her off him, "let me go look real quick if I can do anything," he directed towards her disappointed face, rolling his eyes. She pushed herself from him, getting up as well, stretching out her legs for having straddled him for such a long time. She followed him into the kitchen where she tried to gather up all the candles she could find and a flashlight.

"Here," she held it out into the laundry room, not quite able to make out where he was and hitting him with it unintentionally. "Sorry," she voiced quickly, scrunching up her face. Alex snatched it from her and snorted, turning the flashlight on.

"You could have just used it, smarty pants," he told her, still chuckling. Jo laughed about herself before taking all the candles and a lighter and strolling back over to the living room. She startled ferociously when she caught sight of a person standing on the other side of the glass door that she was walking towards almost dropping the candles. She closed her eyes and took a couple of calming breaths before walking over swiftly and opening it up.

"Lauren, what are you doing here? Come in, it's freezing," she pulled their nanny inside, looking her up and down. Lauren was covered in snow, seemingly not wearing weather-appropriate gear and shivering to her bones. She tried to get something out but her teeth were chattering. "Oh, come in here," Jo pulled her into the living room, watching Lauren lose her uppermost layer in sympathy. "Here, sit down," Jo told her immediately, pushing her on the couch and wrapping her in one of the blankets, rubbing her upper arms up and down after she had dropped all the candles on the coffee table. "Wait here, I'm gonna go fetch something warm for you to wear," she said, turning around instantly and rushing up the stairs. She peeked into the nursery fairly quickly to see if the twins had woken up before walking over towards the bedroom, wrapping herself in her wool cardigan and pulling out oversized college sweaters and woolen socks for Lauren.

"Seems like it's not only us, the entire block has blacked out," Alex walked back into the living room, trying to make out where Jo was at. "I can't do anything to put the power back on before they've worked on the central supply. And that's probably gonna be a while," he strolled closer towards the person sitting on the couch, wrapped in layers of blankets. He chuckled. "Oh come on, just because the power went out doesn't mean you need to overreact, you won't freeze to death in here," he said, reaching Lauren's immediate vicinity and startling when she looked up at him in the dark, still fighting against the chattering teeth. "Whoa, you are _not_ the girl that I left in here a couple of minutes ago," he said, confused. Lauren laughed softly.

"Actually, it's not only this block, it's the entire neighborhood that's out," she choked out, trying to calm her muscles that were trying to keep her from freezing to death with the jerky movements. "I never thought this neighborhood could give me the creeps but trust me, waddling in the never-ending snow in all darkness… it was pretty creepy out there," she chuckled lightly. Alex looked around when he heard Jo's soft steps on the stairs.

"When did you come in here?" he looked back at the nanny, still confused.

"I let her in a minute ago," Jo passed him and immediately unwrapped Lauren from the blankets and helped her put the clothing on. Lauren looked at Jo gratefully who had squatted down in front of her, watching the younger woman in concern. "Lauren, what were you doing out there? Nobody should be walking around a blizzard," she scolded her.

"I told you my boyfriend lives close," she pointed out to her. Jo nodded questioningly.

"So, why didn't you just go over to his house?"

"Well, I kinda just came from there…," Lauren looked down at her feet.

"Why? Why would you go out in this weather? They have been forecasting this storm in forever," Jo tried to look for reasons frantically, not realizing Lauren's demeanor.

"Jo," Alex tried to soften her a bit, having watched from a few feet away. When she looked back at him he nodded towards Lauren's face which had teared up. _Oh. _Jo mouthed silently, making an embarrassed face and squeezing Lauren's thigh slightly.

"Oh, Lauren, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive," she said, trying to take back her nosy questioning.

"It's fine, really," Lauren said, wiping away the single tear she had lost. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to barge in like that, it's just… I didn't know where to go and I just… I couldn't stay there, knowing that it'd probably be days being stuck with him," she tried to explain, not ready to give anything away yet. Jo nodded at her, biting her lips.

"Of course, you were right in coming here, I'm glad you did before the snow swallowed you up as a whole," she said, glancing over at Alex pleading for help.

"I… actually… left the… um… flashlight in the laundry room," Alex shaped a sorry excuse and walked over towards the kitchen again, leaving an exasperated Jo with the stricken Lauren. When Lauren had succumbed to silence, Jo got up and busied herself with spreading candles all over the living room to give them some light. She watched the wild snow flurry outside the window, seeing the weird pinkish color of the sky, even though it was pitch black darkness. The snow made it appear that way and with no other lights out there, no street lamps, no illuminated windows, no nothing… it looked… peaceful, somehow, but at the same time… scary, wild. Almost like a threat. She was just about to light the last few candles on the coffee table when Alex appeared back in the doorway, looking at her. Jo looked back at him and a weird feeling seized her. She straightened up and looked at him in worry.

"Are you… about to yell at me?" she asked him uncertainly.

"_What?_" Alex asked her, completely taken aback. "Why?" he shook his head. Jo looked at him in confusion herself before shaking her head and bending down to light the last candle.

"I don't know where that came from… you kind of… looked at me… in a strange way," she said, trying to voice what she had just felt but couldn't put her finger on it. Lauren looked in between them, not comprehending what was going on. Alex hovered in the hallway, not quite sure what to do with himself.

"Did you go check with the kids?" he asked her, Jo nodding.

"They're fine," she responded lazily. "It's not like more darkness is going to wake them up," she chuckled. She busied herself with getting more blankets from the wall cabinet when Alex chimed up and reported that he was going to make some tea. She nodded, not really looking at him and glanced back at Lauren in surprise when she got up.

"I'm…um… I'm gonna help him," she stuttered, pointing her thumbs towards the kitchen, making Jo nod in confusion.

Alex heard steps coming in behind him and sighed, switching on the gas on the stove. "Well, that's awkward," he said, turning around and stared at Lauren sheepishly who was holding out a candle in front of her to give them some light. "Oh, sorry," he said, blushing for having anticipated Jo following him and not the person he was actually talking about. _That's twice this evening._ Lauren chuckled.

"It's fine," she said, still laughing softly. "I know it is," she said. Alex looked at her in confusion before filling the kettle with water and placing it on the stove. "Can I ask you something?" Lauren chimed up, looking back towards the door to check if Jo was behind them but couldn't make anything or anyone out.

"Sure, what's up?" Alex turned around to face her, leaning against the counter next to the stove. Lauren shook her head and tried to voice her thoughts.

"Believe me, I completely understand if you're going to dub me crazy," she started, Alex looking insecure. "I know you guys are doctors and everything and you know a lot more about it… and also I actually have no idea if you have been onto something with this or not…," she tried to prerecord.

"Just spit already," Alex got a little impatient.

"It's just… has Jo been remembering stuff lately?" Lauren looked up at him, seeing utter surprise on his face.

"What? Why?" Alex asked, confused.

"It's just… I haven't realized it before but she has been saying a lot of stuff… I mean it's usually small stuff… stuff that can be overlooked or not even realized… nothing too big or important… but she has been saying a lot of things and I've been wondering if you have been telling her stuff or if she's actually remembering?" Lauren tried to explain.

"No," Alex shook his head. "No, she hasn't been remembering anything," he said, completely convinced, shocked about what Lauren was on about. "What kind of stuff are you talking about?"

"Um… I can't even remember what she said to me the other day… but I remember that was the time that I realized that she couldn't have known it unless you had told her before unless she remembered. I couldn't ask her about it because she got paged away at the same moment," she explained. "But you know… the other week, when we were all out having dinner… I only realized later that she told me something about… whatever… Madison taking up all the space in her belly and Ethan always having been a bit slower in his physical development since," she pointed out, scrunching up her face at him showing insecurity. "Oh and I meant to ask you if you had been to the _Little Gym_ lately?" she looked at him in anticipation.

"I haven't been there in forever," he said. "Last time was way before her accident," he added.

"Did you show her videos of them from there? Since the accident I mean?" He shook his head.

"Yeah, okay, she remembered those, too. And then she told me some stuff about being in a relationship with someone the other day… because she was asking about how it's going with… you know… what I've been dealing with lately," she said. "And I kind of thought you told me that she can't remember you being in a relationship… so, first I wasn't sure if that was something she could have 'picked up' the last couple of months… but it was… it just didn't sound like it… it actually sounded like she had remembered… but… I mean that sounds really stupid and I'm not meaning any offense in saying this but… I don't even think she realizes that she remembers things…," Lauren faced Alex with complete uncertainty and quizzical eyes. They stood in silence for a moment, digesting what had been said. When Alex didn't respond, she closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. "Okay, I realize this all sounds made up out of pretty thin air…," she started, when Alex interrupted her.

"You're right, Lauren," he told her, completely taken aback by his own words. She looked up at him in surprise.

"You've noticed it too?!" she spat out excitedly. Alex still looked like he was in shock.

"No, no, not until now. But it all makes sense. She has been doing so well at work, which is… well, it's awesome but it's creepy…. If you know what I mean… I mean it's surgery, it's not some damn office job that you can do even if you have forgotten all about it," he started. "And it's true, she has said some stuff, some details that she just can't know…," he trailed off, thinking hard, so many moments shooting into his mind. "I'm not quite sure if I'm making that up right now… but I kind of think she told me the other day that the kids have never slept apart one day in their lives… and how would she know that?" Alex looked over at Lauren puzzled. She smiled slightly. "And oh my God," he went on, all of a sudden completely abuzz. "Did you see her reaction to me standing in the hallway a moment ago when she asked me if I was going to yell at her? That was weird, right?"

"Yeah, _pretty_ weird," Lauren said, making a strange face, nodding heavily.

"We had a power outage once," he said, and suddenly everything was coming down on him. "Years ago. Before we even started dating," he explained. "And now that I think about it… she was in the exact same spot doing the exact same thing, lighting candles, and I came in and started yelling at her," he remembered, his eyes burning. "That couldn't have been a co-incidence, right?"

"But didn't you say she only lost her memory over a period of time while you were dating? If you weren't even dating yet, she should remember that okay," Lauren pointed out to him. Alex shook his head.

"No, that was like a day before we got together," he narrated. "That happened a day after the amnesia kicked in, actually," he reminded himself as well. Lauren looked at him with wide eyes.

"She's remembering," Lauren stated again, not believing it herself.

"She's freaking remembering," he said, already storming out the kitchen.

"Wait, Alex," Lauren tried to stop him. "You know… it sounds like she really isn't realizing all that… maybe… maybe you shouldn't just… confront her with it… but take it easy on her," she pointed out. Alex stopped, thinking about it for a second before nodding and walking away, Lauren following. When they walked into the living room again, Jo looked up, having seated herself on the couch and smiled.

"What did you guys do for so long?"

"Hey, Jo, we were just talking, where did you get that first couch we had? The one you bought with the money you won? You know the one that was ruined by the tree?" Alex scrunched up his face at her as if he was trying to recall the detail. Jo looked up at the ceiling pondering.

"Um… _Kasala_, I think," Jo said before turning back to the magazine she was holding in her hands. "Why?" she asked without looking up.

"Oh yeah… so is that where we got this couch afterwards as well?" he pointed at Jo's seating arrangement.

"Yeah, you know that," Jo responded in irritation, "you made fun of me for ages for wanting to buy a similar couch because our first couch was _special_ to me," she looked up at him with mocking eyes and stressed the word with extra sarcasm lacing her voice. What she saw made her narrow her eyes. Alex was hovering in the doorway, looking something in between amazed and somebody just having him punched in the guts and Lauren was smiling at her widely. "What the hell's going on?" she asked, a little worried about their behaviors.

"Jo," Alex walked closer towards her and shook his head in disbelief.

"What is it?" Now she was getting scared. When he sat down in front of her and tried to voice what was going on, Jo's face drained. "Oh my goodness," she exclaimed, her hand clapping over her mouth. "Oh my God, where the hell did that just come from?"

"Jo, you remember for God's sake," Alex told her, now his eyes were shining with something in between anger and relief. Jo looked at him, trying to think. Then she shook her head.

"But I… I don't," she said, looking for an answer within his eyes.

"Lauren just drew my attention to you having been remembering lots of stuff… tiny details…about the kids, about us, about work…," he said, trying to coax her.

"But, Alex, I don't remember. I _swear_, I can't remember anything. I'm trying but no, I can't," she told him frantically. "I have no idea where that information just came from. Now that I think of it and try to remember when or how we bought that second couch – I can't remember. But while I was saying it, it was clearly a fact for me," she said, confused about herself. Alex laughed, squeezing Jo's hand, while Lauren quietly excused herself to walk back to the kitchen to give them some privacy.

"Jo, with trying so hard to remember… we didn't realize that your memories have slowly been trying to come back to you. They seep into daily conversations as it seems…," he told her excitedly.

"No, Alex, stop it, I can't remember anything," Jo tried to calm him before he was getting too excited once again.

"Yeah, I don't understand it either. Apparently your explicit memory does not work yet as it should be but the memories are there… you just can't retrieve them by yourself it seems," he said, trying to ponder if that made any sense.

"Ask me something," she told him.

"When did I propose to you for the second time?" he shot out. Jo looked at him questioningly for a second before her face fell and she grasped Alex's hand and pulled him closer.

"I have no idea," she said, tears shimmering in her eyes. Alex sighed.

"It's okay, baby, maybe you need more time. But this is exciting. This time you cannot tell me I can't get my hopes up because this really, actually is the beginning of your memory coming back," he told her, stressing every word, Jo hanging on every word he was saying.

"I do remember," she said all of a sudden.

"What do you mean? You mean, you remember? Everything? Or you remember when I proposed to you?" Alex inquired frantically, his hands still holding on to her waist.

"No, no, nothing like that. But I think… I think I… I just remembered… oh my goodness," she said, suddenly tears erupted on her face and she pulled him closer to lean her forehead against his.

"Hey, baby, shhh," he told her soothingly, not quite catching what was going on. "What is it?" He was surprised when she looked up at him and smiled through her tears.

"I think I just remembered what it _felt_ like when you asked me to marry you," she stated, looking deeply into his eyes. Alex's head fell to his side slowly and his face was hinting a tiny smile, eyes wide, trying to keep the tears in. "And it's overwhelming," she said, breaking out in even more tears, laughing softly in between sobs. Alex watched her for a bit before pulling her into his chest and wiping away the tears that had been caught in his eyelashes. They startled when they heard the soft whistling of the kettle behind them, looking over at Lauren who was staring at them in pain.

"Is everything okay, Lauren?" Jo immediately asked, seeing how the nanny had been caught by something while staring at their affections towards each other. Lauren's eyes shimmered.

"Simon asked me to marry him… and I just…I ran out."

* * *

**Note: Alright, sigh. Trust me, I'm not trying to piss you guys off. Actually, when you guys first commented that you were excited for them to be intimate again, that was in Chapter 9! So, I got really nervous about lots of you being cross with me because I knew how long their journey was still going to be. I actually considered cutting entire chapters to get them to have sex earlier. But then I remembered why I prolonged their wait for it in first place and I realized I had profound reason - that I am happy to share with you once all of this is done with - but I really don't want you to be mad at me. I know it's frustrating. However, I really thought you guys would only start anticipating it later on (like maybe after I let them have sex in the fight-flashback). I know you guys think I'm leading you on. But again, I have my reasons for writing my story as I did. So sorry if you feel like I'm tormenting you :( Only thing that's comforting right now is that the story will be done within the next 5 chapters and you'll finally get there at some point in between. What I'm most sorry about is that with you all anticipating for them to have sex every new chapter, you may not appreciate the 'normal scenes' for how important they are, also. In my opinion. Or at least... some of them you know... are really beautiful and I'd hate for you to be too frustrated to notice. Oh, and btw... just fyi... this is a _fiction_ dryspell. haha. how bad can it be?! :D alright, that was uncalled for. but really, guys, even though I know I wrote them all over each other from the start - because for me... that's just them... - I _did not mean in any way_ to make it that frustrating for you and lead you on. I swear. **


End file.
